Work Text:
December 29
Maddie knocks softly before asking, “Buck?” No response. She tries the handle but it’s locked. “Evan, it’s me.”
She knocks again on his bedroom door, harder this time. “Buck, open the door.” Still nothing. Maddie presses her forehead against the wood, hoping to hear something, anything from the other side. “Please.”
The silence that follows is deafening. Maddie doesn’t know what happened, but she knows something is wrong.
Her hands shake as she pulls out her phone. She scrolls quickly to the one person who will be able to get through to her brother.
Eddie.
He answers his phone quickly. “Maddie?”
“Eddie…” her voice cracked halfway through.
“What happened?” Eddie rushed out.
“I can’t get to him, he’s locked in his room and he won’t answer me.” Maddie hopes Eddie can hear just how scared she is.
“Is he hurt?”
“I don’t know-“ Maddie says. “He needs you right now.”
A pause answers back, followed by shuffling and the sound of a door closing. “I’m on my way.” Eddie finally responds, his keys turning over in the engine of his truck. “Maddie, where’s Theo?”
____________
December 24 - Christmas Eve
Christmas Eve rolls around and Buck’s kitchen is a mess. There’s flour everywhere, icing on the counter and tiny shards of candy cane stuck all over his Christmas sweater.
All in the name of making Theo’s first Christmas with him special, they were making homemade cookies for Santa. Theo grins at Buck, as he’s standing on a kitchen helper that Buck got as soon as he noticed Theo’s interest in helping in the kitchen.
There’s a dot of red frosting on his nose, that Buck quickly takes a photo of. He catches Theo looking like Rudolph, his cheeks flushed from excitement with his Christmas pajamas on despite bedtime being hours away.
“Can I see! Let me see, Mr. Poop!” Theo squeals. Buck turns the phone around and Theo squints at the screen, then beams. “I’m making Santa cookies! And we’re leaving milk. And carrots for the reindeer.”
“Obviously, can’t forget the reindeer.”
Theo leans against the counter. “Do you think Santa knows where I live now?”
Buck doesn’t hesitate. “Definitely. Santa knows exactly where you live.” He’s got better at answering these questions in the last six months.
“How?” Theo asks, tilting his head slightly.
“Magic.” Buck smiles softly.
Theo considers this carefully, before he goes back to decorating cookies, humming something that may or may not be a Christmas song. Buck watches him for a moment. This was what he had imagined when he first started the process for fostering Theo.
Yes it came with paperwork, and inspections. Countless meetings where strangers discussed whether he was stable enough, responsible enough or suitable enough. But this? Standing in his kitchen, with this little boy in matching Christmas pajamas? This was something he had always hoped for.
Theo looks up at him. “Buck? Next Christmas can we make even more?”
Buck smiles, carefully piping a red nose onto the reindeer cookie he was icing. “Absolutely.”
“And when I’m six? And when I’m seven?” Theo quickly says, eyes growing wider at the thought of more cookies.
Buck laughs. “Every Christmas, buddy.”
Theo smiles and goes back to his cookies before Buck’s phone rings.
The change in Buck is immediate. His eyes flick to the screen. It was an unknown number, but he knows the number anyway. He’d been getting calls from this number all week.
“Hey, buddy?” Theo looks up. “Can you keep decorating these for me? I’ll be right back.” Buck walks into the hallway, checking over his shoulder that Theo is focussed on the cookies before answering the phone.
“Hello?” He says.
“Mr. Buckley?” The voice answers.
Buck closes his eyes. “Yes.”
“This is regarding Theo’s placement.”
His hand tightens around the phone. “I know.” Every call this week has been about Theo’s placement.
“I wanted to inform you that the placement decision has been finalised. The move will take place tomorrow.” The social worker says.
Buck’s throat goes tight. Tomorrow. He looks through the doorway, Theo is humming to himself, completely unaware. “Tomorrow?”
“Yes.”
“But it’s Christmas Eve.” Buck didn’t know what to say. He was making cookies, he had perfectly planned the evening to lay out Christmas presents after Theo went to sleep.
“I understand that.”
“Then-“ Buck stops as his voice cracks. “Please.”
There is silence on the other end. “Mr. Buckley-”
“Please. Just-” He presses his free hand against his forehead. “Let him have Christmas.”
“Mr. Buckley,” the voice was more insistent now.
“He’s four. He’s been talking about Santa for weeks. It’s his first Christmas without his mom and dad, don’t make him spend it with strangers.” Buck pleaded into his phone.
“I understand. But we have to follow policy.” The social worker states.
“He doesn’t know.” His voice drops to a whisper. “He doesn’t know he’s leaving for good. Please don’t do this tonight.”
The social worker sighs. “We can delay the transition until the morning of the twenty-sixth.”
Buck’s eyes close. He gets one more day. One Christmas. “Thank you.”
“We’ll be there the day after tomorrow.”
“I understand.” He hangs up. Buck doesn’t move. He can’t go back into the kitchen just yet. His thoughts are interrupted by a little voice. “Buck?”
He wipes quickly at his face before turning to see Theo is standing in the doorway. “Who was that?”
Buck looks at him and the lie comes before he has time to think. “Santa.”
Theo’s eyes go enormous. “Santa? Santa called YOU?”
Buck forces a smile. “Yeah. He did, buddy.”
“Why?”
Buck crouches down. “He wanted to make sure you’re going to bed tonight.”
Theo gasps. “Because if I don’t, he won’t come?”
“Something like that.” Buck chuckles.
“I’ll go to bed!” Theo squeals. “But that’s after we put cookies and milk out right?” Buck laughs, and it nearly breaks his heart. Theo throws his arms around his neck. “Did he say I’m on the good list?”
Buck closes his eyes. “Yeah, buddy. He said you’re at the very top.”
Theo pulls back, delighted. “Did he say anything else?”
Buck looks at him. His eyes drifting over the little boy who has come to trust him completely. “No,” he says softly. “Just that he knows where you live.”
Theo grins. “I knew it.” Theo’s expression changes slightly. “Buck?”
“Yeah?” He answers.
“Are you gonna be here when I wake up?”
The question catches somewhere beneath Buck’s ribs. “Of course, Spiderman.”
“And tomorrow?” Buck nods softly. “And next Christmas?” Buck can’t breathe for a second as Theo waits for an answer.
Buck reaches out and fixes the crooked Santa hat on his head. “Every Christmas.”
Theo smiles brightly. “Promise?”
Buck’s eyes burn as the words fall out of his mouth before he can stop them. “Promise.” And Theo believes him. Of course he does, Buck has never given him a reason not to.
That night, Buck reads the same Christmas story twice. Theo insists the second time was necessary because he wasn’t listening properly the first time. Buck pretends to believe him. Eventually, Theo’s eyes start to close. “Stay?”
Buck settles onto the edge of the bed. “Always.”
Theo reaches for his hand and Buck gives it to him. Within minutes, Theo is asleep but Buck doesn’t move. He sits there in the soft glow of the night-light, watching Theo breathe. Eyes catching the little rise and fall of his chest.
Buck bends forward and presses a kiss to his forehead. “I love you, buddy.”
Eventually, he forces himself to stand and slowly walks to the door. Buck makes it three steps down the hallway before his hand flies to his mouth. The first sob is almost soundless.
Buck presses his back against the wall and slides slowly to the floor. He curls in on himself as his shoulders shake.
Tomorrow is Christmas.
____________
December 25 - Christmas Day
Christmas morning begins with Theo bouncing on Buck’s stomach. “BUCK.” Buck groans as the air is bounced out of him. “Buck!” A knee lands somewhere dangerously close to his ribs. “Buck, wake up!”
Buck cracks one eye open and Theo is practically vibrating. “Santa came!”
Buck blinks. “What?”
“Santa came!” Theo grabs his hand and tries to pull him out of bed. “Come on!”
“Buddy, it’s-”
“PRESENTS.”
Buck laughs, shoving a shirt over his head. “Okay. Okay, I’m coming.”
Five minutes later, they’re both sitting beneath the Christmas tree. Theo tears into his first present with absolutely no regard for the wrapping paper. Then the second. And the third. Buck barely manages to keep up. Every few minutes, Theo stops to hold something up.
“Look!”
“I see it.”
“Look!” Theo demands.
“I’m looking.” Buck’s eyes have pointedly stayed looking at the firefighter costume Theo is holding up.
“BUCK, LOOK!”
Buck laughs. “I see you, buddy.”
At some point, the front door opens. “Ho, ho, ho!” Theo’s head snaps up at the noise. “EDDIE!” He launches himself across the room. Chris follows behind his dad, wearing a lopsided Santa hat. “Dad said I had to be festive.”
Buck smiles knowing Christopher loves Christmas. Eddie raises an eyebrow. “You’re welcome.”
The Christmas morning chaos doubles as presents get passed around and wrapping paper covers the floor. Chris pretends he’s too old to be excited while watching Theo open something particularly cool. “Chris, look!”
Chris looks and smiles. “That’s actually pretty cool.”
Theo grins like he’s just received the highest praise imaginable. Buck grabs his camera and takes a picture. He keeps taking as many as possible. That is until Eddie catches him. “You’ve taken about fifty, Picasso.”
Buck smiles, gesturing back to the piles of presents. “Keep opening.”
By the time they leave for Maddie and Chimney’s, Buck has three minutes to get himself and Theo dressed. He is still laughing as he pulls on his shoes. Theo is halfway down the hallway. “Buddy! Pants!” Buck shouts.
“I have pants!”
“Those are pyjamas.” Eddie adds, following behind the screaming toddler with his outfit for Christmas lunch.
“They have Christmas trees!”
“They’re still pyjamas.” Eddie chuckles softly.
At the Buckley-Han house, Christmas is louder and somehow more festive. There is food everywhere and decorations covering every open span of wall and floor. Jee immediately drags Theo into whatever game she’s invented. And then Mara makes the mistake of running past them. Theo follows and Jee follows Theo, while Mara bolts.
The chase is on.
“Get her!”
“THEO!”
“JEE!”
The adults watch helplessly as Mara tears through the house after two laughing toddlers. Denny leans against the wall while Chris stands beside him. Both of them look profoundly unimpressed.
“This is stupid,” Denny says.
“Yeah,” Chris agrees.
Neither of them moves as Mara runs past again and Theo screams with laughter. Chris straightens. “Should we-?”
“No.” Denny pauses before adding. “Probably.”
They take off after them and Buck catches Maddie’s eye. They both laugh at the trail of noise following all the kids.
And for a moment, nothing else exists.
By early evening, the noise has softened. All the presents have been opened, the food has been eaten and the children are running out of energy.
Theo barely makes it through the front door when they get home. Buck carries him inside, one arm beneath his knees, the other around his back. Theo’s cheek is pressed against Buck’s shoulder. Thank goodness for someone giving Theo some firetruck pajamas. Buck was able to do almost his entire night time routine at Maddie’s house.
Buck looks down at him and smiles, while carefully carrying him to his room. He settles him into bed and pulls the blanket over him slowly, careful not to wake Theo. Buck stands there for a moment before he leans down and kisses his forehead. “Merry Christmas, buddy.”
It was the perfect Christmas Day.
Buck makes it down the hall a few minutes later to a living room that looks like Christmas exploded. Wrapping paper was scattered across the floor with ribbons tangled between. Half-opened boxes sit beneath the tree, forgotten in the chaos of the morning. A new toy is lying on its side, still waiting to be played with.
He should clean it up. Instead he just stands there and looks. Buck’s smile fades as his eyes move across the room.
Tomorrow.
He turns toward the hallway and opens the storage cupboard and reaches past the Christmas decorations boxes, the spare blankets and the boxes of things he hasn’t touched in years. His hand finds two suitcases.
They were brand new, still wrapped in plastic. Buck pulls them out and sets them on the floor before moving back to the living room. For a moment, he just stares at them before he takes the plastic off of one. The sound seems far too loud in the quiet house.
He unzips it and opens the empty case. Tomorrow, Theo’s things will have to leave. Buck kneels beside the suitcase and he reaches for the first thing he sees. A pair of pajamas. He holds them for a second, breathing in the smell of freshly washed laundry and something that was just inherently Theo. Buck folds them carefully and places them inside the suitcase.
He moves methodically, having pulled out most of Theo’s clothes to wash earlier that week when he was first told of the impending move. Another shirt, followed by underwear and socks, shorts and pants. All tucked carefully into the suitcase.
Buck keeps going as though if he folds everything neatly enough, packs everything carefully enough, he can somehow make this feel less like losing his son. Not his son. No. Never his.
He opens the second suitcase and does the same thing, this time with Theo’s toys and books. His favourites near the top. Stuffed animals and cars, dinosaurs and superheroes.
Buck pauses when he reaches for Theo’s Firefighter Bear. His fingers tighten around the soft toy and presses it briefly against his chest. Before the bear was zipped away like the rest of Theo’s things.
It wasn’t the perfect Christmas Day anymore.
____________
December 26 - Boxing Day
The knock comes at eight thirteen but Buck is already awake. He hasn’t slept much. He spent most of the night sitting on the floor beside the suitcases, folding and refolding things that were already packed.
Now they’re waiting by the front door. Two suitcases, ready to go next to Theo’s backpack. Theo doesn’t know yet, he’s still down the hall in his room. Buck hears his little footsteps before he sees him. “Buck?”
“Yeah, buddy?”
Theo appears in the doorway still in his pajamas, hair sticking up in every direction. “Someone’s here.”
Buck’s stomach drops. “I know.”
Another knock sounds through the house as Theo comes into the living room. “Who is it?”
Buck looks at him before glancing at the door. “It’s someone from social services.”
Theo’s face changes, a clear lack of understanding taking over his features. “Why?”
Buck crouches in front of him. “Remember how I told you we’d have to say goodbye after Christmas?” Theo nods slowly and Buck’s throat closes tightly. “Today’s the day.”
Theo stares at him. “But I thought I was staying.”
“I know-“
“You said.” Theo’s bottom lip starts to shake and Buck has to look away.
“I know, buddy.” Buck pulls him into his arms but Theo doesn’t hug him back immediately. Then his little arms tighten around Buck’s neck.
The knock comes again and Buck closes his eyes. “It’s okay.”
Theo pulls back. “Are you coming with me?”
Buck’s heart breaks. “I wish I could.”
“But you’re my Buck.”
Buck can’t answer for a second. He reaches up and brushes Theo’s hair away from his forehead. “I’ll always be a phone call away.” The words hurt coming out and Buck doesn’t know what to do anymore.
Theo looks toward the front door. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No.” Buck’s answer is immediate. Theo could never do anything wrong. “No, buddy.”
“Was I bad?”
“No.” Buck’s voice cracks. “You weren’t bad. You didn’t do anything wrong. This isn’t because of you.”
Theo looks at him. “Then why?”
Buck has no answer that a four-year-old should ever have to hear. Because a system decided. Because adults who don’t know him decided. Because Buck wasn’t the kind of family they thought Theo deserved. Because loving him wasn’t enough.
So he says the only thing he can. “Sometimes grown-ups make decisions that kids don’t understand.”
Theo’s lower lip trembles. “I can be good….” Buck closes his eyes as Theo presses his face into Buck’s shoulder, his cries muffled in Buck’s shirt. “I wanna STAY. I wanna stay with YOU.”
“I know. I want you to stay too.” Buck holds him tighter and the knock comes again. This time, Buck stands, he takes Theo’s hand and together, they walk to the door.
The social worker smiles gently at Theo. “Hi, Theo.” Theo hides behind Buck’s legs as Buck’s fingers tighten around his little hand. “Do you remember me?”
Theo nods while the social worker kneels. “Are you ready to go?”
“NO! I’m staying here!” Theo shouts and looks up at Buck, who forces himself to smile.
“You’ve got everything.” He points toward the suitcases. “Your clothes. Your books. Buck Bear.”
Theo looks at the bags then back at him, something painful flashing across his eyes. “You packed them?”
“Of course.”
“You want me to go?”
Buck’s eyes burn and he has to quickly sniff to stop the tears from falling. “No! No, buddy. You have to go with the social worker okay?”
Theo’s tears are jumping out of his eyes as he refuses to step out of the house. The social worker reaches for his hand but Theo doesn’t move. Instead, he grabs Buck around the waist, and Buck wraps both arms around him. His face disappears into Theo’s hair. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Buck.”
“More than anything.”
Theo sniffles. “Promise?”
Buck pulls back enough to look at him. “Forever.” Buck lets go first, he has to. He watches Theo take the first step toward the door. Theo looks back and Buck smiles, he doesn’t know why but he does.
The door stays open even as they’re gone from sight.
Buck stays standing in the doorway. The suitcases are gone. Theo is gone.
But everything else is still here. His shoes by the door, the Christmas stocking sitting by the tree. All the toys, wrapping paper and half-opened presents. A mug Theo painted at preschool sits on the kitchen counter.
Buck stares at every corner of his house. A house that had been so loud and full of life mere moments ago. Now a house that is silent. There were no footsteps coming from down the hall. No laughter bouncing between the rooms. No little voice calling his name from outside. Nothing.
Buck closes the door, and locks it, his body refusing to move as he stays standing there with his hand still on the handle.
He doesn’t tell anyone.
He doesn’t answer any of the calls coming through on his phone. Maddie. Eddie. Christopher. That one hurt, he always answers Chris’s calls. But what’s the point?
His phone eventually dies. And he doesn’t charge it. He doesn’t go to work or leave the house. The Christmas tree stays up, surrounded by wrapping paper. The dishes stay in the sink. Everything stays where Theo left them.
One afternoon becomes another as Buck stops knowing what day it is. He sleeps when he can’t stay awake anymore. He eats when he remembers. Mostly, he sits. Sometimes in Theo’s room, careful not to touch anything. Sometimes on the couch. Sometimes on the floor by the front door, staring at the space where Theo had walked out from.
Eventually, sitting wasn’t enough. It became…something else.
The first thing Buck throws is a lamp. It hits the wall and shatters, Buck simply stares at it. But something inside him breaks with it, and it feels…good. The dresser drawer comes out next, clothes hitting the floor as the drawers break. The book shelf follows as Buck pulls everything out. Books, frames and ornamental decor landing with a thud on the ground.
He grabs a pillow and throws it across the room. Buck’s hands are shaking and he's breathing too fast. There had to be more. He punches the wall. Once. Twice. Then again.
“Fuck!” His voice cracks. He grabs the blanket from his bed and yanks it onto the floor. He tears through drawers and knocks more things from shelves. Everything that has been building inside him for days finally has somewhere to go.
All of his anger, fear and guilt. So much guilt. He screams until his throat hurts, until there’s no noise left coming out.
Buck stands in the middle of the wreckage, his chest heaving and hands trembling. He looks around and his bedroom is destroyed. The room where he slept. Where he kept his things. Where he comforted Theo after so many nightmares.
Across the hall, Theo’s door is still open. His room hasn’t been touched. Buck can’t bring himself to even go in there now. He had tried to be enough for that little boy. He knew it was temporary. It was always temporary.
Buck closes his bedroom door and curls up on the blanket on the floor. This was it. There was nothing else he could do.
So he cried. His body was numb and his mind scattered. His heart was shattered on the floor with the remnants of his bedroom. Sitting on top of his bedside table, the only thing he refused to touch was a photo of Theo.
It was from their first weekend together. Eddie and Christopher had come round to go on a trip to the zoo. Theo had been ecstatic, smiling from ear to ear as Eddie swung him around on his shoulders. Buck had asked a stranger walking past to take a photo of them. And it was his favourite photo he had in the house.
This wasn’t a week that Buck wanted to remember.
____________
December 29
Maddie lets herself into Buck’s house with the spare key. It had been a couple days since the chaos of Christmas and she hadn’t heard from her brother at all. “Buck?”
The house is exactly as he left it. Christmas is still everywhere, with wrapping paper covering the living room floor. Maddie slowly steps further inside, still not seeing her brother. “Buck?”
She pulls out her phone to check again. No missed calls or messages. Her stomach twists as the silence of the house looms around her. Maddie walks through the living room, past the Christmas tree, and toward the hallway.
Theo’s door is open and the room is untouched. The bed is made, with his stuffed animals exactly where they should be. The drawers are closed and the room itself is empty. Maddie takes a shaky breath as she turns toward Buck’s bedroom.
Maddie knocks softly before asking, “Buck?” No response. She tries the handle but it’s locked. “Evan, it’s me.”
She knocks again on his bedroom door, harder this time. “Buck, open the door.” Still nothing. Maddie presses her forehead against the wood, hoping to hear something, anything from the other side. “Please.”
The silence that follows is deafening. Maddie doesn’t know what happened, but she knows something is wrong.
Her hands shake as she pulls out her phone. She scrolls quickly to the one person who will be able to get through to her brother.
Eddie.
He answers his phone quickly. “Maddie?”
“Eddie…” her voice cracked halfway through.
“What happened?” Eddie rushed out.
“I can’t get to him, he’s locked in his room and he won’t answer me.” Maddie hopes Eddie can hear just how scared she is.
“Is he hurt?”
“I don’t know-“ Maddie says. “He needs you right now.”
A pause answers back, followed by shuffling and the sound of a door closing. “I’m on my way.” Eddie finally responds, his keys turning over in the engine of his truck. “Maddie, where’s Theo?”
Maddie looks back toward the little boy’s room. At the empty space beside the bed. At the Christmas presents still waiting beneath the tree down the hall. Her eyes filled with tears.
“He’s gone.”
The line goes silent as Maddie hears Eddie inhale sharply. “When?”
“I don’t know, it had to have been just after Christmas. The house hasn’t been touched.”
“And Buck hasn’t said anything?” Eddie’s voice was barely concealing his emotions.
Maddie shakes her head, even though Eddie can’t see her. “No.” She looks at the bedroom door, hoping her brother was okay on the other side. “I don’t know how long he’s been in there.”
Eddie’s voice is quieter when he answers. “I’ll be there soon.”
Maddie lowers her phone. For a moment, she simply stands in the hallway before she knocks again. “Buck?”
She sits down on the floor outside his bedroom door. And waits for Eddie.
When he gets there, Eddie doesn’t knock. Maddie opens the door before he can. He takes one look at her face and knows something is wrong. “Where is he?”
Eddie steps inside and feels that the house is wrong. Christmas is still everywhere, but it doesn’t feel like Christmas anymore. Theo’s stocking sits underneath the tree as Eddie’s eyes catch on it. “What happened?”
Maddie shakes her head. “I don’t know.” She gestures toward the hallway. “He hasn’t answered me.” Eddie walks toward Buck’s bedroom. The door is still closed. “I couldn’t get him to open it.”
Eddie puts his hand on the doorknob and tries to twist it with no luck. “Buck?” Eddie knocks once. “Buck, it’s me.” Silence follows as Eddie looks at Maddie. “I’ll stay. I’ll make sure he’s okay.”
Maddie nods but she hesitates before stepping toward the front door. “Call me if you need anything.”
He turns back toward Buck’s bedroom. “Buck?” Eddie sits down against the wall beside the door. He doesn’t knock again and he doesn’t ask Buck to let him in. He just sits with his back against the door as minutes pass him by. Eddie’s not sure how long he sits there before he hears something move from behind the door.
Eddie straightens slightly. “Buck?”
“Go away.” The words are barely audible, Buck’s voice hoarse after days of minimal use.
Eddie closes his eyes. There he is, he’s alive. “Okay. I could do that, but I’m going to sit here for a while. You don’t have to talk to me, but I’m here if you want to.”
From inside the room, probably from the other side of the door, Eddie hears Buck, his voice frighteningly small. “They took him.” Eddie’s chest tightens as he lets Buck speak. “I couldn’t stop them. They wanted to take him on Christmas.”
“I’m sorry.” Something crashes softly on the other side of the door, before Buck says, “Bobby should be here.”
Eddie closes his eyes. “Yeah. He should be.” The team had all had a chance to grieve Bobby, but Buck? Buck had been so busy being there for everyone else that he packaged it up and shoved his own pain to the back of his head.
“He’d know what to do. I don’t-” Buck’s voice breaks as he stumbles on his words. “I don’t know what to do, Eddie.”
“You don’t have to know.” Eddie tries to assure his best friend.
“I do. I’m supposed to know.” Buck was crying now, Eddie could hear it. He could almost feel his pain in every word he said.
Eddie shakes his head. “No, you’re not.”
“I lost him. I lost Bobby. I keep thinking I’m going to call him, that I’ll be able to tell him what happened and he’s going to tell me what to do. But he’s not here.” Buck’s voice cracks and Eddie stays silent as his eyes burn. “I don’t know how to do this without him. I don’t want to do this without him, without either of them.”
“Buck…I need to ask-” Eddie starts as his body goes still. He hates that he needs to ask this question, but he has to.
“I’m clean. I wanted to, I really wanted to, maybe it would’ve helped. I don’t- I don’t know. I just- I don’t want to wake up tomorrow.” Buck whispers.
Eddie turns toward the door. “Buck. I need you to open the door, bud.”
“I can’t.” Buck’s voice was so small, almost that of a child. “I just-” Buck’s breath catches. “I don’t know how much more I can lose.”
Eddie’s voice stays steady. “You don’t have to figure it out tonight, but please open the door.”
A long silence follows but there’s no movement. Eddie hangs his head but doesn’t move. He will always stay. “None of this would’ve happened if I stayed.”
Eddie frowns. “What?”
“In New Mexico.” Eddie’s heart sinks as Buck continues. “I would’ve stayed. When you showed up, I told Bonnie that I would stay…to keep you safe.” Buck’s voice is ragged as he spills more of his truth than he has dared to in years.
Eddie shuts his eyes. “Buck-”
“I would’ve stayed.” Buck whispers.
“You don’t know that.” Eddie says, silently pleading with his best friend through the door. He needs Buck, safe and alive and with him. Eddie was willing to kill to get Buck back. He would have burned the entire town down in order to find him.
“I do. I knew what was happening.” Buck’s voice drops. “And I thought maybe if I stayed, you’d be safe. You’d be able to come home to Christopher and eventually forget about me.”
Eddie looks down at his hands. “You know that’s not true.”
Another silence follows before Buck laughs. But it’s not the usual laugh filled with joy. This one is small and bitter. “I keep ruining everything. New Mexico. The drugs. God, I just- I wanted to be numb. To not have to think or feel anything.” Buck’s voice is barely a whisper. Buck takes a shaky breath. “You all helped me get better, but I still think about it. And right now, I really want those stupid little pills.”
Eddie lets that sit as Buck’s voice trembles. “Are you disgusted with me?”
“No. Never.” Eddie sits facing the door, hoping that it will open and he can hug his best friend.
“Do you think I’m broken?”
“No, Buck, I don’t.”
“You should. Social Services think so. I thought I could do this. I could do this one thing for Connor and Kameron, and look after their son. Look after Theo.” Eddie’s heart breaks knowing how much Buck threw himself into fostering Theo. Buck continues before he can answer. “I promised I’d look after him and I failed.”
“You love him, you didn’t fail Theo.” Eddie says softly.
“They’re dead, Eddie.” Buck chokes on his words. “They’re both dead, and I was supposed to be the person who made sure Theo was okay.”
“You did. Buck, he had the best Christmas with you.” Eddie wishes Buck would open the door. He didn’t want to break it down, but it was coming to that.
“They took him. And I should’ve fought harder, should’ve done more.” Buck’s sobs can be felt against the door as his body shakes.
“You did everything you could.”
“It wasn’t enough. I’m never enough…” Eddie doesn’t know what to say, and even if he did, his words aren’t reaching Buck, not anymore. Buck is quiet for so long that Eddie wonders if he’s going to stop talking again. “He asked me if he was bad.”
Eddie’s eyes close. “What?”
“When the social worker came.” Buck’s voice breaks completely. “He asked if he’d been bad.” Eddie presses his fist against his mouth to stop his own tears. “I told him no. I told him he didn’t do anything wrong.”
“You were right. The system made the decision, not you.”
“He looked at me.” A sob catches in his throat. “He looked at me like he didn’t believe me. He wanted me. He wanted me, Eddie. He was supposed to stay here with me.” Buck’s words are barely there but Eddie hears them as though Buck is shouting.
“I wanted him.” Buck breaks on the word. “I wanted him so much. I know I’m not his dad, I’ll never be his dad, but I thought-”
Eddie slides closer to the door. “I know.”
“I wanted to be his dad. I promised him forever and he asked me if I’d be there next Christmas.” Eddie puts his palm against the door, Buck’s voice is almost childlike now. “And I said yes.” Eddie’s throat tightens as his tears fall slowly. “I told him every Christmas. I promised.”
Eddie keeps his hand against the door. “You meant it.”
“I can’t give it to him. I can’t give him forever.” Buck cries for Theo, and for the future he had been picturing.
Eddie’s voice is quiet. “You gave him Christmas. You gave him a home. You gave him exactly what he needed.”
And finally, after days of silence, Buck opens the door. It was just a few inches at first, the door moving so slowly that Eddie isn’t sure if it’s real or not. Buck looks through the gap and his face is swollen from crying. His eyes are exhausted. “I’m sorry.”
Eddie shakes his head. “You don’t have to be.” Buck opens the door another inch and Eddie holds out his hand. Buck stares at it for a second, before taking it. Eddie pulls him gently into his arms. And Buck folds, all the fight leaving his body.
Eddie holds him. He can’t fix this. He can’t promise that Theo will come back or know he’s saying the right thing. But right now? He can hold his best friend in a tangle of limbs on the floor.
He would hold him forever, if it meant that everything was okay.