Chapter Text
Phil is at the club with his friends and most importantly— his long time partner Dan. While he himself might have outgrown clubbing, it is worth it to go out since Dan still likes it. That’s how Phil finds himself at a gay club, one in the morning even though he has to record a podcast the following day.
That’s an issue for tomorrow, right?
For the first time in a long while Phil feels like he, too, enjoys his time at the club. Hard launching the relationship has had surprising side effects. Maybe holding himself back, minding his distance to Dan and trying not to say too much while drunk had contributed to his distaste for clubbing.
It’s been a little over a month and he feels amazing. The kind of freedom and happiness you only hear about in cheesy romance books. That’s Phil’s reality now.
He’s pretty sure the current picture of him clinging to Dan and Dan’s hands resting on his hips could be from a romance movie. Slow dancing, in public? A few years ago Phil couldn’t have even imagined such a thing happening to him.
Now, he is in heaven. Nothing could make the moment better.
He leans a bit closer to Dan’s cheek. The closeness is intoxicating. The lack of prying eyes is just the finishing touch.
Unfortunately, the song comes to an end. Phil would have liked for it to last forever. He leans back and can’t help but glance around out of habit. Old dog and new tricks, right?
“It’s okay, Phil,” Dan says and lifts his hand from Phil’s waist to his cheek.
Phil realizes that Dan’s right. He smiles at his boyfriend, “I guess it’s still hard to get used to.”
“Hey guys, should we drink some more?” The voice belongs to Johnny, one of their longtime gay friends that had tagged along for the night out. He had probably been impatiently waiting for the song to end.
“Sure. Dan, would you go to the bar and get us some drinks? I have to piss,” Phil says, looking at Dan. He really needs to find a toilet or there will be an unpleasant accident.
“I’ll do that. You just don’t want to queue at the bar, I know your tricks,” Dan says playfully. Phil pouts humorously, being called out by Dan is funny to him.
Dan places his hands on Phil's shoulders from the back and helps gently guide him through the crowd. Maybe he thinks that Phil would get distracted on the way, or maybe kidnapped.
They reach the point where Phil needs to go forward and Dan needs to turn right to reach the bar. Suddenly Phil feels needy, like the distance of a dozen meters is too much to handle even for a piss break.
Phil turns around, slowly. He feels bashful being so close after hiding for so many years. Dan looks surprisingly confident. Maybe it’s the alcohol.
Phil wants to kiss Dan, even just a peck would be enough. He looks around, to make sure no one is pointing a camera their way. He wants them to be just the gay couple, Dan and Phil, in a dim club tonight.
To Phil’s surprise, Dan leans ever so slightly forward, looking between Phil’s eyes and lips. The signal is clearly there.
Phil feels emboldened and leans forward to give the corner of Dan’s mouth a little kiss. It feels like he has done something naughty. Maybe he’ll get used to this, eventually. He isn’t there yet.
“I’ll be back soon. I love you,” Phil says. He wants to say it for some reason.
Dan rolls his eyes dramatically, “Oh— you love me, do you now? Where are you going? To the war? I think we’ll be able to handle the separation for five minutes, silly boy.”
Phil nudges him on the shoulder playfully. “Sorry for being loving to my situationship of sixteen years, I should have known I was getting too attached.”
Phil loves this kind of banter. It makes him feel closer to Dan.
Dan chuckles and shakes his head. “Okay, get going. I’ll get you the sweetest drink they serve here.”
Phil almost turns around, but that instinct is overwritten by his need to touch Dan one last time. He grabs Dan’s hand and squeezes it slightly. “It had better be fruity too.”
Phil can see Dan smiling as he turns around and continues his walk to the bathrooms.
The closer Phil gets to the toilet, the less people there are. Suddenly it feels like he has entered another dimension. The air feels different, still. The music is nothing but a faraway background sound.
Phil doesn’t have the capacity to think about it deeper, he has to pee too badly. He opens the door to the men’s toilets and steps in front of the urinarial, his belt already unbuckled.
The sigh of relief is well-deserved as he empties his bladder. Phil must have been drinking more water than he had thought. Dan had been offering it constantly throughout the night, the worry-wart that he is.
Phil finishes his business, buckles his belt and washes his hands with soap. Men are gross and he doesn’t want to have any germs from the cursed toilet on his hands when he leaves.
While drying his hands, Phil takes out his phone and checks the time, 1:32. It’s getting late. Normally he would be already asleep at home. Today is a special day, so he decides to solder on until Dan is sick of the club.
Suddenly the lights start to get dim. Phil looks up and it looks like someone is dimming the lights intentionally. He frowns, confused. It feels odd.
There’s no one else in the bathroom. A chill runs down his spine. It feels like he shouldn’t be there either.
Phil turns and is about to leave when the bathroom turns completely pitch black, and then, within seconds, so bright that he has to cover his eyes with his hands. While doing this, his phone flies across the floor.
“What the fu—”
Phil kneels down, overwhelmed by the brightness.
Philip.
Phil is confused. The voice is not coming to him from the outside, but he can hear it everywhere.
“Wha— what’s going on?” Phil asks, confused.
Uncover your eyes and turn to look at me.
Phil tests it out, he feels compelled to. His hands slide down his cheeks onto his lap. The brightness is still there, on the other side of his lids, but it doesn’t feel painful anymore. Carefully, Phil opens his eyes. Everything is bright. He can barely see the features of the bathroom. Is he dreaming?
Slowly, Phil turns around and sees an even brighter, is that a person, in the middle of the room. They have dark brown skin, stars shining brightly near their head and long, raven black locks of hair. Their clothes are spotless, white, long robes that don’t make logical sense with all the drapings and details.
The weirdest of all, the person is floating above the ground.
The image knocks the air out of Phil’s lungs. He forgets that he had wanted to go back to the club, the environment he finds himself in is too incredible to ignore.
Here, Philip. I have come to get you home.
Home? Phil has only one home, with Dan. But how can he explain that to this person that looks like an actual angel? Is he dreaming? Or perhaps—
“Am I dead?” Phil asks. It’s the only logical conclusion in such circumstances.
The person looks at him with warm eyes. You would think that facing an angel might be terrifying and life altering, but for some reason Phil doesn't feel panicked. He looks at the person with a sense of peace he has never before experienced.
You are not dead, Philip. You were never meant to stay here.
Phil doesn’t understand what the person means. “Meant to? What do you mean?”
You are still confused. Don’t worry Philip, you shall remember everything when we get back.
“Get back? Where?—” Phil doesn’t understand what the person means. Then, he hears a voice coming from outside the bathroom, for the first time.
“Phil!” It’s Dan’s voice.
Phil turns to look at the door. On the other side of it is his person. His world.
The person moves for the first time, or floats, would be more accurate to say. They get closer to Phil.
We must leave. I don’t have time to explain everything to you Philip.
Phil looks at the person, now right in front of him, and then back at the door. He is sure he can hear the door handle creaking, maybe Dan is going to come and figure this mess out with him.
Then, the person touches his glabella and everything goes black.
Before Phil knows it, he opens his eyes and he isn’t in the bathroom anymore. He is confused and disoriented.
The surroundings are bright, white, there are pillars so high that the tops of them are covered in clouds. The decorations are golden, with symbols and designs so beautiful that he could never recreate or describe them.
In front of him stands the same person that he saw in the bathroom.
Philip. Welcome home.
Phil looks around. Everything is unfamiliar and so grand that it makes him feel dizzy.
“What’s going on? I— I want Dan. I’m scared,” Phil manages to say. He wraps his arms around himself and takes a step back. He realizes that he isn't wearing his going out clothes anymore. Now he has silken trousers and a sleeveless top, everything in white. He doesn’t even have his shoes on. There’s something heavy and foreign attached to his back.
That earthling? Philip, you are not going back there. This is your real home.
For the first time since Phil saw the light, his heart beat starts to increase in panic. Everything hits him all at once. This place, this person, the clothes.
He is not on Earth any longer.
“Earthling? Dan is my partner, my lover. I can’t live without him,” Phil says. He needs to get back to Dan.
You don’t remember your mission? Or who you truly are?
Phil starts to really panic. This isn’t a practical joke or a hidden camera prank?
“Dan!” Phil shouts all of the sudden. His body is craving Dan. This can’t be really happening. He must be dreaming or going mad.
You can shout as much as you want, but he can’t hear you. He is on Earth.
Phil looks at the person. Their calm expression stays unchanged. Phil wants to grab them by the front of the shirt and shake them. To get some kind of human reaction out of them.
“Where the fuck am I then? Are you telling me that this isn’t Earth?”
The person shifts slightly and opens their arms wide.
Philip, welcome home. This is heaven. You might not yet remember who you are, but I have brought you home, where you truly belong.
Belonging to a place where Dan isn’t is an absurd concept. It doesn’t make logical sense to Phil. If he knows one thing to be true, it’s that his soul is bound to Dan’s even though Dan doesn’t believe in souls.
“Can you explain who I am then? You keep saying that I don’t remember who I am and all of that. To me I am just an earthling, and I have a home on the Earth that I quite like,” Phil says. He tries to keep his composure. Something tells him that angering someone that’s not from the Earth isn’t wise.
Philip, you are a heavenly angel. You accepted a mission on Earth thirty eight years ago, agreeing to be born as an earthling. There you helped an earthling until he didn’t need you any longer.
Phil’s heart squeezes tightly in his chest. Surely that earthling would be Dan, right? What does any of this mean?
“You are saying that I am not a human, but an angel that worked on Earth? And now my mission is over?” Phil asks quietly.
Essentially, yes. You have accomplished your goal and now you have returned home. Welcome back, my heavenly sibling.
Phil doesn’t feel good. He doesn’t remember ever being anywhere but on the Earth. How is this even possible?
“I want to go back to Dan. Please let me go back,” Phil says. He looks the person in the eyes, desperately.
Your time with the earthling is up. Now you have to accept your heavenly duties.
Heaven, earth, none of it matters to Phil if he is separated from Dan.
“Please, I’ll do anything. Please let me go back. This place scares me. I’m sure there was a mistake, I’m just a normal human with friends and family. Please check again and take me home,” Phil says, almost yelling. There has to be a way to get back.
The person looks at him, with something close to pity. They walk over to Phil and extend their finger close to Phil’s glabella.
Look. Your soul is pure and clear. Only angels have this kind of constitution. There was no mistake.
Phil looks at the clear, bright sphere that’s projected in front of his face. Is the person calling the sphere his soul?
“Are you telling me that I have to stay here because that ball is clear? Can I tarnish it? Can I become a human and go back to Dan?” Phil says, trying to find a loophole in any way possible.
That’s not possible. Your destiny is to reside in heaven. Don’t worry, as you spend time here, you’ll regain your memories and soon enough you won’t want to go back.
Phil can’t imagine a reality where he doesn’t want to be with Dan. Not this one and not the next one. He has to find a way to get back.
“I don’t care about heaven or my duty! I refuse to stay here. Take me back,” Phil says. He tries to sound domineering, but ends up feeling like a child.
The person looks at him with an unwavering face.
Philip. You shall stay here until your memories have returned. You shall return to your duties when you feel better.
Before Phil has a chance to say anything in response, the person is gone.
He blinks a few times and glances around, desperate to find someone, anyone. He needs to get home.
In a moment the environment switches again. Now Phil is standing in an enclosed room with a bed, a desk, and a seating area. Everything is still white, gold and decorated with clouds. Phil is starting to believe that the place is actually in heaven.
“Hello!?” Phil shouts. “Anyone!?”
There are no sounds besides the ones Phil produces. He walks around the room, confused. There are no doors or windows. Just the enclosed space with the furniture.
Phil sees a full body mirror on the wall. He approaches it, looking at his own reflection on the surface.
He is dressed in all white, his skin is as pale as always, and his cheeks look like they are glittery. Maybe it’s the heavenly aura. The most bizarre thing is that he has white wings attached to his back.
“What the fuck is going on?” Phil says to his reflection. There’s no way out of the place, no one to hear him out.
Phil is a chill person. He lets things roll off his back, even when people are rude or inconsiderate towards him. Being forcefully sent to another dimension from his normal life falls into a new category of events. Phil feels panicked, angry and hopeless. All he wants is to find Dan and hug him until everything is better.
“SOMEONE!!!”
His shouts don’t sound all that loud. The place he occupies feels different to Earth. Maybe he really is in heaven. Or hell.
“PLEASE! LET ME GO HOME! DAN!”
Shouting takes a lot of energy and after what feels like an hour, Phil collapses on the floor, panting. He looks at his hands on the floor and sees tears falling on them. He is crying. Phil doesn't cry easily as the resident casual guy.
But now, there’s nothing else to do but cry.
“This can’t be real— I’ll fall asleep and wake up at the house. Yes. I’ll get back to Dan,” Phil mutters and stumbles up.
He lays down on the bed and closes his eyes. If only he can fall asleep. Then he can get back to his normal life. Yes.
Sleep sleep sleep, damnit sleep Phil!
Phil opens his eyes after what feels like hours and sits up. He looks at his palms, laying on his lap. He is crying in frustration. Trying to fall asleep made him realize that he isn’t tired in the slightest. He doesn’t need to use the restroom and he doesn’t feel like eating at all. At home he always felt like eating.
“What the fuck happened to me?” Phil whispers. Panic settles into his chest again as the realization starts to hit him: he is no longer human.
“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!?” Phil yells desperately into the room. No one is there to hear his sobs. Phil pants. He stumbles out of the bed and finds a paper weight on the desk. He grabs it in rage and throws it across the room.
“I AM HUMAN!”
Tears stream down his face as he tries to rationalize his situation. He has to get back home. This can’t be his new reality. It can’t be. Dan must be worried sick over his disappearance. Even the thought of it makes his heart squeeze tightly.
The picture of Dan, frantically running in the club, calling his phone dozens of times and not finding him makes Phil feel sick. Dan and Phil are a package deal. They can’t be separated.
“Someone! Please! I don’t understand what you want from me!? Please! I’ll do anything! Let me go back home, back to Dan! He needs me!”
Phil collapses on the ground and violently bangs his fists against the cloudy floor of the room. It doesn’t hurt, which terrifies Phil even more. He is starting to realize that his body and state of being doesn’t feel the same as they did on Earth.
There’s a sudden flash of light. Phil tilts his head to look up, to see what has changed.
The person is in the room again. Their dark skin has a glow that isn’t explained by anything other than heavenly aura.
“Who are you?” Phil asks. He realizes that he doesn’t know the person’s name.
I am Gabriel
Phil blinks a few times. Gabriel. He isn’t religious, but even he knows that Gabriel is the name of one of the most basic angels.
“You are an angel?” Phil asks quietly. It’s more of a statement as everything starts clicking into place about his situation.
Yes. We are of the same kind.
Phil looks Gabriel in the eyes. He knows the angel isn’t lying to him.
“Please, can you take me back to Earth? My partner, Dan, is waiting for me. I think I have been in this room for days, he must be extremely worried.
Gabriel looks at him with what Phil could only describe as pity. Phil hadn’t really thought about the fact that being gay is considered a sin in most religions that have a heaven and a hell. That doesn’t matter to him.
Daniel isn’t waiting for you.
Phil’s eyes sharpen. Gabriel knows Dan? Or are they bluffing to make Phil more agreeable?
“What do you mean? Of course he is looking for me. We have been together, inseparable for 16 years. Are you trying to deceive me to make me accept my fate here?” Phil asks, never breaking eye contact.
Gabriel tilts their head.
I am not deceiving you. There are certain changes that happen when an angel leaves their earthly life behind and ascends. Do you think Father has no means by which he could collect his angels back to heaven without disrupting the Earthly balance?
Father? Phil swallows as the implication of the conversation weighs heavy in the air.
“What do you mean? Everything about our lives is intertwined. Dan will immediately notice that I’m missing. You can’t just take people and expect everything to just be normal,” Phil says, trying to reason with the angel.
You don’t understand, still. Father can do everything possible and impossible. The moment I took you from that filthy bathroom, the very fabric of reality rewrote itself. You were but a thread in that fabric. When I pulled you out, your very existence on Earth disappeared.
Phil’s heart starts beating faster. New fears that he didn’t even think to have, surface. Has his existence disappeared?
“What does that mean? You mean to say that everyone will just continue their lives like I never existed?” Phil’s voice is shaking. He can’t comprehend what he is saying and how it’s even possible.
Gabriel looks at him with so much peace on his face that it pisses Phil off. How can someone that calls themselves an angel be so cruel?
Essentially, yes. Your Earthly parents, your friends, Daniel. They all will continue to live like there never was a person named Philip Michael Lester. Don’t be sad. They shall not be sad either. Every picture, every memory, every place will lack any trace of you. The people you encountered shall not remember ever meeting you. That’s how it was planned.
“Planned? You threw me down to Earth to help someone and now that I’m done with my mission you rip me away and lock me up in here? I don’t believe you. Dan will never forget about me, it’s impossible!”
The heavenly plan isn’t for you to understand. What matters is that you are now home and the balance has been rostered. As for what comes to Daniel. I can show you. He is living his life well without you.
Phil stops in his tracks and looks at Gabriel. They could show him Dan?
“I want to see him. Please show me Dan,” Phil says quietly.
Gabriel steps closer and crouches down next to Phil. They place a sturdy hand on his shoulderblade. Then, they extend the other hand in front of Phil and swipe lightly. Immediately a sphere appears. It amazes Phil.
A picture forms in the middle of the sphere. It makes Phil’s heart beat faster. The familiar form of Dan is something Phil could never forget about.
In the sphere, Phil sees Dan living his life. Him sitting at the booth in the club with Johnny, Marie and Lisa. The four of them are chatting and laughing. It’s the night Phil disappeared. Then the picture shifts into Dan hurrying around the house, their house, and running out the door. Then there’s the picture of Dan arriving at the basement studio and chatting with their producer. Dan filming a podcast episode alone. Dan ordering in pizza at home. Dan sleeping in the black bedroom alone. Dan dressing himself. Dan meeting up with a friend.
Phil sees it all. Dan’s day to day life after Phil disappeared. Everything is normal. Dan isn’t crying or panicked. He is just living like Phil never existed. It makes his stomach drop. He doesn’t want to see it anymore.
“Stop it,” Phil says, closing his eyes and turning his head. He can’t handle seeing it any longer.
Can you see Philip? The one you were worried about will live a beautiful life on Earth. Your mission is complete and you can start your duties here.
Tears stream down Phil’s face. “I don’t want to see that. I wanted to live my life with Dan, together. It’s not the same like this. If he knew, he would hate this too.”
Philip. You are still thinking like a human. You have to get rid of that mentality. You are an angel, an immortal. You can’t yearn after a mortal.
Phil blinks a few times. He hadn’t even thought about this earlier. The way he doesn’t feel thirst, hunger or tired hints at what Gabriel is telling him. It frightens him beyond belief.
“What? Do you mean that I can’t die? I’ll live forever here without Dan?”
Exactly, Philip. Your destiny is tied to heaven. A lifetime on the Earth is but a fleeting moment here.
Phil turns to look Gabriel in the eyes. His breath is caught in his throat. On Earth Phil had been afraid of his own mortality, having almost died many times. The only thing more frightening is the thought of being immortal while Dan dies as a mortal. Phil doesn’t want it, by any means.
“What the fuck, I’m going to live forever here? Can I die? Please, let me rather just die,” Phil whispers. Those words don’t sound like anything he could have uttered on the Earth. In his desperation, Phil feels like a whole other person.
Gabriel stands up and looks at Phil with more pity.
Now you know the basic facts. I shall leave you here for a while to get used to your new situation. You shall regain your memories predating your earthly mission soon. That should help you get those silly thoughts out of your head.
Gabriel disappears in the flash of a light. Phil is alone again.
“Why? Why me? This makes no sense,” Phil whispers to himself, looking at his shaky hands.
Phil is a positive guy. He likes to think that things will end up alright. Now, however, his spirit is crushed. He feels like a ragdoll that was discarded from the toybox, to be forgotten forever.
Is Dan really living a normal life without him? Is he stuck here for eternity, having lost his humanity?
Phil stands up with shaky legs and walks over to the bed. He sits down and pulls his legs to his chest, clasping his arms around them.
For the first time, maybe ever, Phil feels completely hopeless and alone.