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Brandon cuddled up to his pillow absentmindedly, resting his chin on the soft fabric. He was off to bed at just 7:30, like a good downer.
Good downers sleep early to watch the sun rise. Good downers look out the window in the evening to watch the sun set.
He did it every day. Every dawn, every dusk, was spent watching the sun. Watching the sun and praying to the Goods. Even if he was ill and coughing, or hurting in his body from the tedious rituals and practices performed on him, nothing could change his routine.
Brandon was a good downer. He kept himself clean, he refused to watch TV, he isolated himself from others, and he laid his trust in the Goods. He was a perfect, pure boy. Pure and clean. Clean, clean, clean.
Brandon yawned, feeling exhaustion wash over him like a tidal wave. He tried to fall asleep, but his thoughts kept him wide awake. Soon, he would join the Goods in heaven, and live in harmony forever! All he needed to do was give up his current life. Brandon was excited for this. He couldn’t wait to join the Goods. Though, part of him didn’t want to. Even though he yearned to go to heaven, the thought of leaving his friends behind made him feel empty inside.
How would they feel if he was gone?
They had so many memories together. Playing with his friends on Roblox, recording stupid movies for them to post on YouTube, playing Heli Wars with Ozo..
Ozo.
Brandon had completely forgotten about Ozo. Since there was so much going on in his life, he didn’t have the time to worry about his friends.
Ozolog1, or just Ozo, was someone he had met at school, before he became homeschooled.
He remembered laughing and playing with Ozo, working on little projects together and sitting with each other at lunch. One day, Ozo had slipped a piece of paper with his Roblox username into Brandon’s hand.
“If you wanna, y’know, play together someday, that’d be fun..” Ozo had said.
Brandon had promised that he’d add him once he got home. And so, he did. After school, he and Ozo would play Roblox. They always had fun, managing to do comical things worthy of being recorded. They’d somehow glitch through the floor, or giggle at their avatars losing their legs from bazooka explosions..
Brandon loved how Ozo laughed. It always made him feel warm on the inside. Brandon had never truly had camaraderie of any sort, and having Ozo by his side made him feel like he was worthy of something. Like he was worthy of having friends outside of his church.
Brandon shook himself.
This was unhealthy. He shouldn’t be thinking about a boy like this.
Stop it, Brandon. Stop.
You’re sinning, Brandon.
You’re unclean, Brandon.
You can’t love a boy.
Pray, Brandon.
PRAY.
Brandon got on his knees, clamping his hands together.
“I’m sorry.. I’m sorry for sinning.. I-I’m sorry.. please don’t send me to hell.. I’m a good downer, right? I’m not a sinner.. I swear.. I’ll be clean again..”
Brandon sniffled.
“I’ll stop.. I’ll stop.. Please don’t be mad at me..”
Brandon shoved his head in his blanket, trying to clear his thoughts. He instead tried thinking of other things, simple things, like dogs and cinnamon and the color green..
Though, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get Ozo out of his thoughts.
Ozo was pretty, Brandon had to admit.
He wanted to spend every waking second with him.
Playing games, having fun, just spending time together in general..
It made Brandon feel happy.
But feeling happy with Ozo was a sin. He could never truly be happy, if it would leave him to punishment.
Brandon was not clean. Brandon was not pure. Brandon was not perfect.
He was a sinner, and that was all that he’d ever be.