Work Text:
Sam frantically searched her shelves. “Tea. I need tea. I cannot survive without tea.” The shelves continued to not have a tin, canister, or box. “They have to stock it in the galley, right?” She ran down to galley. She swung in the doorway. “Hey, do you guys have tea?”
The staff looked up. The sous chef asked, “What is tea?”
Sam’s face fell. “I’m doomed.” She pulled her tablet out of her pocket. She sent a message to the human groupchat HomoSapiens 4EVAR!
“Tea! I need tea! None in the galley!”
She got an immediate response from Chris. “C’mon over to chem lab. We’ve got the good stuff.”
“Bless your molecule loving heart. There in 3.” She looked up. “Chem lab has me covered. Thanks though!” Sam headed for the door.
The sous chef asked, “Wait human. What is tea?”
Sam paused to answer, “Dried leaves boiled in water.”
“What?”
Sam shook her head and continued walking. “I can’t have this discussion without a cuppa. I’m heading for the chem lab. I’ll be back in a few.”
The galley crew looked at each other. The sous chef pulled up the entry for tea on the galactic encyclopedia. The head chef walked in from the freezer with ingredients for the morning meal.
The sous chef read aloud, “A plant grows out of the ground. The leaves are removed. Then humans put the leaves through many processes. The leaves are heated, rolled, and dried. Then humans take them and heat water over 100C. They pour water over the leaves. Then pull the leaves out and drink the water.”
The head chef tilted their head. “What’s the concern about tea?”
The sous chef responded, “It is a mild stimulant. It can improve reaction times and cognitive functions.”
The head chef blinked all 4 eyes. “Again, what is the concern with the beverage humans consume?”
“It’s called caffeine.”
“That is an illegal substance in the Hegemony.”
The sous chef jerked back. “What?” They scrolled further down the entry. “You’re right. Why haven’t I heard of this?”
“It is native to the human planet. Their plants developed the chemical as a defense mechanism against being consumed. Humans discovered it and found it useful.”
The sous chef continued reading. “It is an addictive psychoactive drug. It changes brain chemistry.” Their feathers started trembling.
The head chef nodded their head. “And they are all addicted. It occurs naturally in a few of their foods. Look up capsaicin if you enjoy being frightened.”
“I refuse.” The sous chef put down their tablet.
Sam strolled in with cuppa in hand. “Ahh, nectar of the gods. Now I can explain tea.”
The sous chef said, “You’re addicted to a drug that changes your brain chemistry.”
Sam nodded. “Yep. Makes the work day move forward.”
The galley staff looked at each other in confusion.
“Okay. So human biology is utterly different. If you want to make medical upset, ask about human biology. They’ll be very loud about us for hours.” She sipped more tea. “Anywho, our brains produce chemicals that tell us we need to stop functioning. It helps to regulate our waking and sleeping. We require 1/3rd of a standard galactic cycle to be spent resting. Or we can die.”
Crew is flabbergasted. A junior chef piped up, “You can die from a lack of rest?”
“Hells yeah. It will destroy our brain first. Caffeine blocks our brain from absorbing the tired chemical. We use to improve our functional productivity.”
A galley helper asked, “You addicted yourself to a chemical that can cause death by delaying your rest?”
Sam replied, “If we stop drinking caffeine, the tired chemicals are absorbed and we rest. Easy.”
The sous chef said, “But caffeine itself is dangerous.”
Sam shook her head. “Caffeine overdose is rarely fatal. It usually requires hospitalization but people recover.”
The sous chef yelled, “WAIT! YOU CAN DIE FROM CAFFEINE ITSELF?!?!”
“I can die from drinking too much water.” She continued communing with her tea.
The head chef shook their head. “I have seen your species run on broken bones while playing. Laugh after removing the ends of limbs in galley accidents. Commander Troi had a 10cm piece of steel sticking out of their middle after an accident repairing a vehicle. They giggled and asked for pliers to pull it out. And you can die from drinking too much water.”
“Uh huh. Like I said. Talk to medical. They’ll tell you all about us. I’m going to be late for my shift. Nice chatting with you!” Sam moseyed out of the galley, tablet in hand.
She typed into the groupchat. “Galley crew freaked over caffeine. Thought you would have told them about it?”
Chris replied, “They said it was illegal. They didn’t listen much after that. So, we make our own.”
Sam replied, “I’m an adult. If I want to addict myself to something perfectly legal, I can do that.”
Pete from engineering said, “Reminder: caffeine isn’t legal for them.”
Bai in navigation piped up, “Earth has the waiver thing. It’s legal for me to make and drink it with other humans. Just can’t give any to others.”
Tyrone in counseling said, “I heard to Tylxan use caffeine in battle.”
Mel from the Marines said, “Illegal stimulants during war. What a surprise!”
Amy in programming asked, “How many countries issued their people amphetamines?”
Kgosi in analysis chirped, “Let’s switch out their supplies for amphetamines!”
Chris said, “Aaaaaaaand this is why all human communications are monitored. Say hi to the censors everyone.”
Everyone replied at once, “Hi Censors!”
Kgosi sent 10 laughing emoji. “Like I’d go to the Tylaxan planet to give them amphetamines.”
Mel said, “It wouldn’t be that hard to raid a pharmacy depot and give them a few bags of Adderall. “
Sam rolled her eyes. “Go to work. We’ll plot intergalactic crimes later.”