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Mack talks too much, well, that’s what people have always told him. He didn’t understand why people got so peeved about it. Talking was normal. He learned young that people seemed only able to tolerate him in small doses.
Which for a while mack didn’t understand, like, he was a delight to be around. He could keep up a conversation for hours, like if anything, he filled time, spoke crying toddlers into sleep, i mean really he should’ve been paid for his efforts. And god forbid he was passionate about shit. But he spoke too much and the looks started. He asked too many questions, voiced his observations and thoughts a little too frequently, too much excitement over dumb little things nobody cared about.
So yeah he talked too much. Teachers wrote it on report cards dressed up in nicer words - disruptive, easily distracted, overly social. Coaches snapped at him during drills to quit yapping and focus. Kids in school learned that if they ignored him long enough he’d eventually trail off mid sentence, cheeks burning red, pretending he never wanted an answer in the first place. Funny actually, his parents figured out that same technique to shut him up too.
He didn’t realise the nuisance it created until he was older, old enough to actually care for other people opinions, when it it stopped being cute and became annoying. But Mack, is smart, and he’s a good learner so he eventually figured out things too. Like how to measure peoples tolerance by the way their eyes glazed over, like how to swallow half his thoughts before they made it out, like how silence could sit inside your chest so long it started turning rotten.
So he kept it in. Mostly. It took a while to haul it in. More would slip out then he wanted and he distinctly remembers lying in bed one night before he even reached double figures, regret regret regret seeping so deep into his bones he felt nauseous.
But mack was teachable. He could break himself down and build himself up gain. He could become likeable. He swears.
Except, like, he didn’t consider that the thoughts still had to go somewhere. So after years of attempts to rail it all in. Nights of holding his ear to the door as he listened to the mamas gossip, his name being flown around like an insult. After years of friendless summers, of his brother looking at him like he was the embarrassment. As if. Aidan was much more of an embarrassment, like, he tried to look cool skating, doing cool tricks so he could look good in front of this figure skater he liked, but instead he did a thing thought impossible with his body and dislocated his elbow and cried, snot and tears and everything, right there on middle ice in front of his crush.
But he also learned that if he didn’t let the words out somehow, they built pressure under his skin until he felt like he’d crawl out of it. So, he compromised. He talked to himself. It was honestly a genius development. Mack smiled so wide for so long, like longer than ever before he swears, at leas several hours where he was entirely on top of the world. He wonders if this is how Crosby feels when he scores a goal thought impossible. Mack thinks so. Nothing can be this feeling he swears.
So yeah, he talks to itself. Not full conversations unless he was alone, but just commentary. Muttered observation. In the locker room while tapping his stick. Walking through the school hallways with a running commentary muttered quite enough that people couldn’t always make out the words, only the fact that he was speaking at all.
people thought he was weird for it. Likes Mack’s parents heard him one time and they had snapped at him, “macklin, stop talking to yourself, people will think there something wrong with you.” Which offended Mack. But that was better than people getting fed up with his talking. Honestly. He talks too much so he only does to himself, and not even loudly! Sometimes it’s just done in silence, his mouth moving around nothing but air. Honestly they needed to pick aside. It didn’t really matter anyway, they already thought he was weird. There probably was something wrong with him. At least that’s what if felt like sometimes. despite the change. He never fit right anywhere. not at school, not on teams, not even in his own house sometimes. Friends came few and far between, and even then they always seemed temporary, like eventually everyone reached their limit with him.
But he grew up, became a teenager and suddenly everyone had to fit into this very narrow stereotype or they were deemed a loner and an outsider. Luckily Mack had spent his whole life being on the outside so it wasn’t all that tedious when he didn’t fit in. He moved from speaking out loud to just running commentary in his head. He didn’t want people to like think he really was insane, he wanted to make it to the nhl and to do that he could only be like likeable weird which admittedly he was still working on. So he spent those years mostly alone, his subconscious and his notes app on his phone his only outlet, and it was miserable but dealable and fuck yeah Mack would make the nhl, it had to be worth it, it was going to be worth it. He swears by it .
-
By the time he gets drafted, Mack has mostly mastered the art of restraint. Interviews? Short answers. Team dinners? Smile at the right moments, let louder personalities dominate the table. Don’t laugh out loud at your own budding commentary or little quips!
he had admittedly been stressing over locker rooms since forever. Because locker rooms are dangerous. They’re the rooms where personalities become reputations, and reputations stick. One bad impression and you’re done. And that might like legitimately kill Mack, in a totally normal sane way.
So during the beginning, during rookie camp Mack kept to himself, kept himself wound tight, spoke only when spoken to, headphones on even when nothings playing. he was the quiet rookie, the one who kept his head down, gave short answers to reporters and didn’t really engage beyond what was necessary, because Mack knew if he started opening up he wouldn’t be able to reign it in so the longer he could keep it down, the better it was. The coaches liked that. Teammates who were barely with one another for a week didn’t think much of it. It was easier to exist like that. Simpler to survive in locker rooms which thrived on quick impressions.
So he existed around himself, in a contained capacity. But people didn’t know him, all unfamiliar faces, stats were more known than their names. But this version of himself wasn’t his, it was a version he learned over the years. It wasn’t natural,not really, it was something he had spent years building out of trial and error, out of too many conversations that had gone wrong somewhere, out of too many moments where he’d said something that felt too normal to him and watched it land wrong with everyone else. As a kid, he had lived mostly inside his own head, where things were ordered and made sense, where thoughts and rambles could stretch out without interruption or judgement. Outside of it, everything was always slightly off beat, like he was always a fraction of a second behind or ahead of everyone else.
So, ever so coachable Mack had adapted.
Then Will sat beside him one morning before practice, gave him a frankly annoying inlay incisive smile and said “you wanna gang up on dickie superstar? Run him in circles“ he quirks a brow and honestly Mack should’ve known from that m,moment he was doomed.
mack snorts before he can stop himself. And somehow that’s it. That’s all it takes.It probably goes deeper than that. They were rookies together, both thrown into the unfamiliar world, orbitating the same expectations and pressures and yeah maybe that was part of it. The understanding that came from being thrown into your dream that doesn’t slow down for you.
So yeah, then came will. The turning point, the rookies! The bad thing about Will, is that Mack can’t help himself around him, even when he's with other people, i mean, he's more… normal when they're in the vicinity of other people but Mack is still Mack. At first Mack doesn’t allow the flicker of hope to blossom into anything substantial. Everyone has their limit with him. But when Will doesn’t shut him down he knows its rare enough that he can’t trust it blindly, as much as he likes thinking about doing so.
The vets get fed up quickly. Although they roll their eyes, their endearingness of it quickly fades but like he’s putting in results so they just like deal with it. Keeping most of their complaints for their separate group chat - he’s convinced they must have one.
The difference is, they get fed up with him and they only deal with him for practices and games, but like will is always there.. and somehow, some fucking how, will listens. Like really listens. He doesn’t just tolerate Mack, he engages with him. Mack does actually end up speechless sometimes at the beginning when he realises that will is listening, that hes matching him. Like he wasn’t waiting for Mack to end.
At first he really had tried to be normal.. he kept himself in check out of habit, only letting small pieces slip through, but will met him every time, picking up what he said and asking to it. So really Mack has to blame will for his yapping. He lets the word come faster and easier, without thinking whether they want to here it before he lets it out, whether it worth saying and just said it.
Mack will start rambling about absolutely nothing, about how skate bladed sound different on fresh ice versus chewed up ice, or some story from three years ago that barely has a point. And instead of zoning out or laughing at him, Will leans in and adds is own thoughts or questions. Like he actually wants to hear more.
it felt fucking incredible. Like finding oxygen underwater after years of waiting, of searching. Like for the first time ever, he didn’t have to manage himself carefully.He could be unfiltered and a little scattered - a lot scattered, shut up - and it didn’t immediately push someone away.
Will is easy to talk to in a way nobody else has ever been. Not that he has a lot of two way conversation experience. But Mack’s brain thinks Will is awesome and well he is his brain so he has to agree doesn’t he? Or else he’d be rude.
It’s is admittedly weird at first, because will really likes to listen to him. None of the polite pretending to listen or the waiting for their turn listening, but like it's so strange. Mack remembers sitting outside a cafe, people watching, making up the whole shebang about this couple, talking nonsense, and he goes on and on, goes deeper and stupider and yeah the women’s husband is an alien will its so obvious, and hes talking and talking to fast, words barely fitting i before hes onto the next. And will, stupid perfect will smile at him like its the most normal thing in the world. Like Mack isn’t exhausting.
And maybe Mack shouldn’t have let it feel so good because then he starts talking more around him. The floodgates open, impossible to stop. Words trip over each other because finally there’s someone who doesn’t look exhausted by him. Finally there’s someone who smiles when Mack spirals into tangents. Someone who says “keep going” and actually means it. And sure, Mack knows better than to trust good things but he can’t stop. and yeah okay maybe Mack gets attached too fast because of it. Ok, he definitely does. Btu how could he not?
The first time will falls asleep during one of Mack’s rambles, Mack nearly melts. Like it’s ridiculous. He should NOT be feeling so positively over this but the thought of being offended doesn’t even gather. Most people find his voice annoying or whatever, nobody has even fallen asleep listening to him. God, Mack might actually die. They’re on a road trip, sharing a hotel room. It’s late, their shoulder to shoulder watching a movie that was paused ages ago in favour of exchanging childhood memories and mack is talking about something stupid like how he was banned from participating in his schools science fairs for launching a homemade rocket into someone’s car, but it was totally worth it because Aidan high fived him and said he was awesome. And then he glances over and yeah wills asleep. Comfortable enough to knock out whilst Mack talked.
And yeah maybe Mack shouldn’t be blinking rapidly to get rid of the burning feeling that’s so often followed by tears because it wrecks him a little. Like maybe his voice can be something soft instead of irritating for once.
he rides that high for a long time.
and even better it just slips easily into their interrelated routine. Mack sprawled across wills hotel bed after a game, stills red on adrenaline and talking endlessly as wil scrolls through his phone. Long buses where they giggle the whole way back. Training where they chirp each other nonstop.
So its natural Mack guesses that they become associated with it. Mack hoped wills not angry about it or something. They get chirped like crazy and Mack laughs and fuck hes the happiest hes ever been because fuck it feels good. For the first time in his life, being attached to someone doesn’t feel pathetic or one sided. But like he feels wanted. Will becomes his person before Mack even realises that like he wants Will like yeah whether he’ll unpack that way later, probably, maybe.
But then the chirps get old and they move on and shift and yeah Mack knows hes a rookie and all but like he’s not he only one.! The chirping doesn’t surprise him. The cheap little locker room comments start at first. A passing joke about how Mack doesn’t shut up once he starts going - which fair, he’ll accept that. A light jab about needing to mute him, the sort of shit that blended into the general noise of a team environment where everyone was fair game for something. Damn it just sucks that its like his worst attribute. But Mack lets it roll of him.
“Jesus, Mack, you ever shut up?”
”poor willy. Blink twice if you need rescuing.”
“Guys got a running commentary constantly.”
The team laughs and so does Mack. He can be a chill guy, hes chill, hes so fine, yeah. At first its because he’s surprised, not at the chirps, he got used to them like a decade again. But he was so used to them being just at him. Not at someone who is okay with being associated with him. And he knows its wrong but he basks in it for a bit. Like holy hell he has a friend.
But like, it gets repetitive. And Mack still laughs along because that’s what you do. Because if you act they smell blood in the water.. like don’t show your cards and all that. And like it’s just said casually, like its not killing Mack. It’s just locker shit. Normal hockey shit. So like a pro, he grins though it. Because hes heard so much worse and these didn’t carry much weight behind them. If anything it almost felt like a sign that he was a part of things enough to be included in the teasing. Hell yeah, he's so in!
A “fuck you guys” he’ll shoot back lightly. But it does hurt pretty fucking hard like in a tender place he refuses to visit.
and at first Will doesn’t put say anything, just grins awkwardly. Sometimes pushing his shoulder against Mack’s. Sometimes he'll roll his eyes and laugh,”leave him alone,” he had said once and its pathetic that Mack rides that high for days.
But the comments don’t stay occasional. They become more frequent and harder to ignore. Still framed as jokes, Mack thinks, hes like pretty sure as they still get delivered with smiles but repeated often enough that they start to settle into something defined. Fuck, hes totally got himself a label.
And like Mack really tries not to get into his head about it because then Will starts laughing too which Mack would like to state is fine. Like its not malicious. That’s the worst part though. It’s easy and casual, like he wants to fit in with everyone else which is like so fine. But it just sucks that he starts laughing when almost imperceptibly the tone begins to shift. And mack is no genius in understanding tones, trust. He tried to watch several YouTube videos on how to pick up on them, but he didn’t really get the hang of it. Until now, now he remembers sitting in his bed, a dude using shitty animations to explain slight passive aggressiveness and yeah it feels like a harmless pass around joke and more mean. And Mack might be overthinking it, he is bad at that. So he tries to let it go, to not let it hit so hard. He told himself its normal, all teams had their dynamics, this was just his thing in the room.
but will laughs, like actually laughs and all that overcompensating dies. Like its not just once but like often and then he adds a quick addition onto a joke that wasnt even his, like the kind of reflective participation that came from wanting to stay in step with everyone else. Which as already established, Mack is totally chill about. He was dumb to think that he was like above these guys in terms of wanting to feel like in with it or whatever.
But, he supposes, you can only go so long before you blabber - Mack would know dammit.
“Trust me boys, you learn to tune him out” and Mack swears he was going to throw up. His heart physically hurts. He didn’t know it could do that. But he laughed along, because what else can he do?
Yes it feels like somebody reached into his chest and split him open. Because beautiful Will who had once been the one person who let Mack exist was now a part of the noise around it. Will was no longer the exception.
And it hurt real bad because Will knows, or Mack is like pretty darn sure that he knows this is it for Mack. Knows what it means that Mack takes so much around him. Know how hard and rare that trust came. And maybe it shouldn’t have mattered that much. Mack knew that on some level but it landed harsher when it came from will. Because he wasn’t just anyone. He was the first person that had taken something Mack had always been told - directly or indirectly - was too much and treated it like it was one. So when the same person started laughing at it even lightly without intent it didn’t feel like a joke to Mack but confirmation. Like maybe Mack had misunderstood the whole thing. Like maybe it had only ever been tolerated not actually accepted.
And yeah his chest gets that plummeting feeling every time he thinks about it because yeah Mack can suddenly hear himself the same way everyone else must hear him. Grating, relentless, annoying as fuck. Too much. Always too much.
Suddenly he’s back to being nine and trying to stop. To being thirteen and rewarding himself if he could just be normal.
—
But Mack is fucking coachable. He’s malleable. So hes going to be more likeable. When, on the rare occasion that they’re not roomed together, he withholds himself from knocking on Wills door and when hes asked about it the next day, Will asking what’s wrong, all Mack can do is shrug, “tired,” which Mack would like to note was not a lie. Keeping himself contained was like really fucking exhausting. And then he like sobs in the shower to that thought because he must just be tiring everyone out.
The problem is that Mack doesn’t know how to exist halfway. Even when the itch under his skin becomes a sharp pinch, even when keeping up conversations in his head - it’s normal. Fuck off - silence has never been natural to him. It’s work, unpaid fucking work. And now every conversation boils down to an internal battle of Have i talked to long? Am i annoying them? And its like hes outside his own body a t times, hearing himself constantly. Too loud and fast and too darn much. And every time he accidentally forgets to reign himself in a “there he goes again,” wedges its way under his ribs. Even when nobody means harm. Especially then.
He starts catching himself mid sentence. Swallowing thoughts before they made it out. Let silences stretch even when they hurt, even when it makes him feel icky inside. Sometimes he goes a whole care ride without speaking at all. And Mack thinks he’s cracked it. He just needed his heart to tear into two and that seemed to shut him up pretty well. Selfishly he wished he knew this when he was a kid. Maybe he wouldn’t be such a fuckup now.
Will notices, eventually. Stupidly observant fucker.
“Dude you good?” and Mack can only shrug, a small “yeah” he forces through.
but hes not okay, obviously. Because this isn’t just locker room bullshit. It’s his whole like condensed into one awful familiar ache,
every time he starts believing someone might actually like him as he is, eventually he gets reminded of the indubitable truth. That everyone will eventually get tired. And maybe that’s the part that’s ruining him. Maybe ruining everything, just the certainty that no matter how loved he lets himself feel, it always comes back to this in the end. Too much.
one night they’re rooming together again and mack sites silently on his bed scrolling though his phone whilst the Tv mutters in the background. Normally he’d be through like six unrelated topics by now. A rant about how much he hated car adverts because just tell me the specs and stop showing a fucking mountain range.
Will looks over, “you sick or something.” Yeah in the head.
“Hm?” Act natural, act natural, be normal.
“You’ve barely talked all night.” And how is Mack even supposed to respond? Bare his soul? No fucking thanks.
Mack just shrugs, “long day.” Let’s it sit. “Didn’t think you were keeping track,” and Mack gives a sharp smile. It doesn't last but like hes surprised he could even muster up a smile.
Will frowns, what’s that even supposed to mean. Just like tension and not in the swag cool sexy way which is a bit of a downer but whatever.
and look Mack can be a bit of a bitch okay but like eh you know, what will be will be, he can fix that after like everything else. It’s a long list.
“Nothing.” But the tone says everything. And yeah maybe he celebrates mastering a tone by playing an easy 300 elo player on chess.com. Sue him. Happiness needs to come somehow.
-
Mack would like to preface that it was not a fight. They’re alone after practice, Mack trying to stay on the ice for as long as possible, like every time. Will is there too. Everyone filtering out as they begin to take off their gear. Mack doesn't even try to fill the silence, which later, he WILL be giving himself a pat on the back for.
Will tosses his pads on the bench with force before tossing a roll of tape at him. “Seriously dude, what’s been up with you lately?” And it hasn’t even been that long since Mack has really put effort into changing and its fucked that he gets a thrill of satisfaction at Will being pissed at the change of routine.
”nothing.” He replies, because hes chill and normal.
Will huffs and Mack has to bite his lip to not hurl a comment at him for how he even huffs outta such a small nose.
“You’ve been weird for ages.” Ages being like a couple weeks.
“Weird,” he tosses it around in his head. Allows it, nods, its one of the nicer things hes been called. “Right,” he huffs a laugh out, its bratty but like Mack is confused and pissed off.
Wills, expression pinches. “Don’t do that?”
”do what?”
and Will looks ragged, his hair is thrown about and messy, well he looks annoyed. It looks good on him which pisses him off. God why does he get to be so perfect and Mack’s left with the short end of the stick. “Whatever this is.” And Will gives him a look like Mack knows and ugh. “You’ve been like off, and quiet and shit dude, so”
and that’s just unfair. Mack watched for the signs heard them and now hes trying to improve and what Will doesn't understand? He’s doing what he, what they all asked. God fucking dammit he had a throbbing headache.
”Tch, right, because you really wanna hear me talk.” He drawls out sassily.
Will stares at him, in confusion, “what?”
and Mack kind of wants to die, he wants to be a wuss and run out but he went hard today and he thinks if he stands up hes either going to collapse or throw up. Both vademently uncool. “God, you don’t- you don’t get to act confused about it.” His voice trembles, cracks once and shiiiiitttt. He yanks his shit into his bag with unnecessary force.
”confused about what?”
and that’s just, that’s just. It breaks something part. Because if Will genuinely doesn't know, then maybe it mattered so little to him he never even noticed.
“You said, y’know that you tune me out. Or whatever.” He tries to play it of like it is whatever but.
Will blinks. “What?”
Mack just stares at him. His mouth opens and closes and damn, “y’know you said - after playing winnipeg that-“
”Mack-“
”- you said everyone just learns to tune me out eventually.” So I’m giving this luxury to myself goes unsaid.
“It was a joke.” Will says, like hes out of breathe and Mack, god, he knows, like yeah sure maybe hes being over dramatic but it hurts so bad.
“Right yeah, a joke, exactly.” He mumbles out quietly. God he feels humiliated.
Silence. Great. Macks worst enemy. God his brains kinda funny.
He watches Will's face shift slowly from confusion to realisation to horror.
“Oh.”
Mack kind of hates that look. The one of sudden understanding. Likes hes finally seeing how badly he fucked up because it just makes Mack feel pathetic. Likes hes just over sensitive that he cracked open over a few stupid comments - which were objectively true. But it really does go beyond that. It doesn’t just come down to one comment, or one person or one year, this is every moment spent trying to carve himself into something easier to tolerate. And Will knew that. That’s the part that hurts.
And here Mack goes again, he really cant keep his mouth shut. “You were the one person I didn’t feel annoying around,” he admits, his voice going rough despite everything hes trying to do to control it. His nails make crescent shapes in his palms. “That’s, you don’t realise how rare that is for me.”
Will looks devastated and Mack doesnt really know what to do with that.
“Mack, I swear to god, I didn’t mean it like that.”
”i know,” he says simply. Because he does know and that sucks. Because he knows Will wasn’t trying to shut him down, he just did.
“You laughed with them,” and it comes out pathetic, like a fucking whimper.
Will opens his mouth, then closes it because there’s nothing to argue with there.
———
mack doesnt sleep well after that, he feels bad for just getting his stuff and walking out, but he didn’t wanna cry in front of Will. And now, there’s just this weird vibe between them. Like Will’s careful now. And Mack he doesnt want careful. He just wants Will and like he wants them to laugh and talk shit together, jab each other with stupid insults about how their faces look stupid or whatever, he wants to watch movies and people watch. Instead he's met with careful, and careful feels awful too. Like pity, like Mack’s fragile, which okay maybe is true, but he catches Will's eyes on him constantly, but the silence grows.
and everything feels awful. Hockey is nice, scoring goals is also really nice. But locker rooms don’t stop and Mack sits there hearing chirps whilst pretending it doesn't scrape him hollow. “Locker rooms too quiet, Mackey got laryngitis?” And Mack doesn't know what that means so he isn’t sure if he should be offended or not but the word sounds stupid so he decided that he hates it. And worst of all he ;looked up and meets Wills' gaze who looks so sad. And Mack tries to force a grin but will doesn’t laugh which hurts too.
-
it doesn't take long until Mack opens his door to a knock, Wills behind it of course, not like there many people willing to willingly seek Mack out. lol. He lets him in.
“Can we talk please,” and Mack doesnt want to.
”we are talking.”
“Mack.”
“I said it’s fine. It’s fine will.” It clearly is not fine.
Will follows him into the sitting area, “would you stop saying that.”
Mack spins around finally, exhausted more than angry. “What do you want me to say, Will? You hurt my feelings? Congratulations, so did literally everyone else.”
The word hit like a slap because there it is, in the open.
Will sits down beside him with enough space, and Mack kinda just want to like be in his arms.
Mack’s jaw tightens slightly, his gaze dropping. “It’s not a big deal,”he says after a moment, tone deliberately even. “I just talk less. Probably better for everyone.” The words were simple.
“Better for who?” He asks.
Mack lets out a short breath that didn’t hit reach the level of a laugh. “You’ve heard it, same as me, its not exactly a secret.”
”i was just messing around.” It sounds thin
Mack nodded, defeated. “Yeah, i know.”
The agreement doesnt help like at all. If anything, it makes it worse.
Will shifts his weight, moves a cm closer, frustration clear, not at Mack but at himself. “I shouldn’t have joined it,”
that makes Mack look up. He hadn’t expected will to say it outright he doesnt really know what to do with it now that he had.
”it doesnt matter,”
“it does.”
Mack holds Wills gaze for a second before looking away, tensions rising in his shoulders with this conversation pushing against something hes rather keep contained.
“It really doesn’t” uhuh, “i get it, its not like you said anything that wasn’t true,”
Will cuts him off, ”that you talk a lot?” Will asks, “yeah, you do. That’s not the same thing as it being a problem.”
Mack cant keep his expression neutral, “it becomes one eventually.” Trust him, hed know. He doesnt say it with any self pity just quiet certainty, because he had learned this long ago.
Will looks seconds from crying and Mack feels like hes fucked up.
“Not for me. It’s not a problem for me.” He says it firmly and Mack is weak because god he just wants to believe.
Mack doesn’t respond straight away, when he does his voice is lowered and measures. “So why do you- you still said stuff, and you were laughing.”
Will doesnt try to argue, “yeah i was.” He paused before he added, “I shouldn’t have been.”
nothing happens for a bit. No one moves.
Will breaks the silence,. “I liked it,” Will continued, carefully. “Talking with you. All of it. Made me feel like special, important. I- I didn’t think about what it sounded like when i joined in, I just - did it. That’s on me. And I’m sorry.”
Mack breathes out a breath slowly. “you don’t need to fix it,” he says, though there’s less certainty in it now.
Will reaches for him before dropping his hand before it meets his. “I’m not tying to fix it, I just don’t want you thinking you have to shut up around me. Like you need to change, when, when you don’t.. I don’t want you to change”
Mack lets out a slow breath. “It’s not that easy to just switch back.” Like yes he could just start talking a shit ton again but he also thinks he might throw up if someone ignores him or like yeah.
”i know.”
”then what?” Mack asks with uncertainties, his brow furrowed. Like what?
Will shrugged like its dimpled, the motion small but genuine,. “Then don’t force it just don’t disappear on me either.” And it comes out so genuine Mack’s stomach swoops.
Mack studies his face looking for a hint trying to decide if he could trust this.
”you actually mean it,” and Mack cant help but chuckle, his head shaking slightly.
“Yeah i do.” He answers, his chest puffing out as he sits up to fix his posture. God he is so ridiculous Mack cant help but smile.
“Okay.” And they lapse into silence. Lord of the rings playing on the background, god what a trilogy.
it takes Mack half an hour and enough internal commentating to actually like speak again.
”you know,” Mack begins, “you kind of remind me of Gollum.”
and the look of shock horror disgust on wills face is enough to crack Mack and he cant contain this giggles.
He feels wills hands on him, trying to wrestle him. “You take that back, you take that back.” But Mack cant even speak because hes giggling so hard, and so what if he and will end up cudlling on his couch, his head on his chest there legs intertwined and Mack pissing will off by using his toes to take off Will’s socks then shut up that’s none of your business. And yes they did spend the rest of the night playing smash or pass lord of the rings edition.
-
the thing is, Mack like actively really trying. He’s even in the process of starting therapy, which honestly does make Mack feel very much pathetic but he’ll live. It’s only been a month and nothing substantial has happened enough and he hasn’t even told Will hes doing it yet but soon. When he feels more in control of it all.
and honestly, Mack was feeling better from it all, like sure people found him annoying but the most important persons enjoys it so honestly, the comments still suck but they weigh much less on his shoulders. And his heart has stopped hurting so that’s super great.
honestly.
But then they have a shitty game, and they lose miserably, and Mack feels like he played like shit and his brain is in overload and he may combust.
And sure maybe the team had notices his subpar participation int he locker room as of recently. No running commentary during tape jobs, no half finished stories shouted across stalls that left everyone with more questions, no Mack arguing with himself over dumb things.
Will tells him one night, when they’re curled up together, their hands intertwined under the covers and yes Mack will address whatever they are, later, at some point. He talked about how the guys were overcompensating without even meaning to. The music got louder, more yelling and shitty chirps during practice.
about how Mack fills the space naturally.
mack does smile, like so much it hurts.
They’re all on a downer though, losing a game they shouldn’t have lost and Mack is so bone achingly exhausted he doesn’t even have the effort to speak, to move his mouth requires too much effort.
And of course, yeah of course someone jokes about it.
A “damn, miracle cure finally worked. Silonce mon friends”
and Mack tries to smile because he knows it’s just a guy trying to lift the spirits but he want to crawl into a hole and wilt away.
”can we not today, please?’ Mack's voice wavers whether in exhaustion or humiliation or hurt.
“C’mon kid, we had a shit games, yes, just some fun, no need to be dramatic.” He doesnt know who says it, frankly he doesnt care. And the guy says it teasingly but Mack is so done.
“Dramatic?’ He laugh harshly. “Sorry, my bad. Forgot I’m supposed to laugh while everyone talks about how annoying i am”
hes met with silence and Mack’s breathing is uneven, eyes glassy with some kind of panic that comes from realising that hes about to lose control in public.
“—Mack—“
Mack cuts them off, “no, seriously it is hilarious,” his voice cracks. “Whole life always the same shit. Mack shut up you talk too much. Mack never shuts up. Mack’s exhausting,” he gestures vaguely but his hands are shaking and the room is silent and his eyes meet others and they look horrified and will looks sick and Mack’s eyes are bright now, with tears gathering despite how hard hes trying to stop them.
And its obvious it isn’t about today, but like every fucking moment of his life. “I get it, you know. Okay.” Macks voice gets louder, unintentionally. “I know I’m a lot, i know people get tired of me. You just don’t to have to remind me every fucking five minutes.”
”and i know you don’t mean harm okay I just— fuck-. Forget it.” Mack wiped furiously a this face, clearly mortified that hes crying in front of everyone,
he leaves the room before he can embarrass himself further and curl up in a bawl on the floor and sob.
will does eventually find him sitting alone in the equipment room. He’s curled forward, elbows on knees trying very hard to breathe quietly.
will sits beside him without speaking and for a while Mack just wipes his face angrily as he stars ahead.
Finally he says hoarsely. “That was humiliating.”
”No,” will says imminently. “It wasn’t.”
and Mack laughs weakly. “Dude I just had a breakdown in front of the whole team.”
”you had enough.”
Mack whispers, so small it barely sounds like him. “I try so hard to not be annoying.”
and the words look like they nearly rip will apart, he takes a sharp intake of breathe probably because he knows Mack means it.
probably looking back at all his effort just to make himself easier to be around. And will leans his body wight into him, warm heavy and comforting.
“Mack, the locker room without you, without the real you, its awful.”
That gets the tiniest huff of breathe out of him.’
will keeps going anyway. “You make everything light, Mack, you make people feel included, you fill dead silences before it gets awkward.” His throat tightens, “and yeah, sometimes you rambles. Who cares.”
Mack’s eyes shine again. “I care.”
and Will just holds him as they rock together. Because that is the problem. Mack cares too much. And he probably;y shouldn’t fucking hes too goddam sensitive he wishes it was just a button he could switch of but he cant. He cant and it sucks. And sure therapy is nice but its all about acceptance and finding the root problem but Mack already knows the root problem - which is him right - so. God, he really thought he had this therapy shit down.
——-
That same night, after a long shower and some food in his system, Mack is lying beside Will, both with their headphones on, having me time in the company of one another. Mack sits up, removes his headphones and pivots to sit facing Will, his legs crossed.
“Will.” He says quietly, but wills already looking at him, moving to mirror his position. “I’m sorry.”
Will gives him a look of confusion, his brow pinched, his dimples on display as his face looks as if he’s searching for an answer.
Mack continues, “for like blaming you, for like how I felt.” He gives himself a moment, his words not coming easy to him. “Like, when I felt really sad, I’m sorry I made you feel like it feel like your fault. And I’m sorry for not saying something sooner and instead just internalising it.”
he nods to himself, pleased with his words. Trying to let him know that he’s sorry. “Like, I mean to say, is that, its not- it wasn’t fair that I made you out to be ‘the bad person’ when it wasn’t just you like you didn’t start it or anything you know, just added a quick add on. Y’know, so I’m like yeah really sorry if I made you feel that you need to carry the burden I felt for everyone else’s actions, I guess.”
He never makes eye contact with will. He fears if he does hell like get distracted and forget his words - yes, that is a thing now, turns out all he needed to shut up was an insanely attractive man, go figure.
Will makes a noise, its like full of distress or like irritation. Mack doesn’t look at him to find the answer. “Like inherently - I know big word, I’ve been doing a word a day, its awesome -“ he hears Will snort in amusement and he can’t help a small fond smile, “inherently, I know they weren’t trying to be aresholes, and the more I think about it the more pathetic I feel in the way I felt with it.”
he goes to carry on but wills hands come to his shoulders, his face pinched, his thumb caressing his skin where his t shirt ends. “Mack, no. You. Fuck okay. You reacted the way anyone would when they spent their whole life getting told and important part of himself is annoying.”
And Mack can’t respond.
But will doesn't let the silence sit, continuing, “when you stopped talking around me..” will swallows hard. “I hated it.” And Mack stares at him. “I didn’t realise how much space you filled, here, until you were gone.” And he removes one hand to point to his heart and really. What else can Mack do but swoon?
and Mack he believes him.
-
and Mack changes therapists but honestly, Mack doesnt think talking to someone with a doctorate would really help. Like he's very self aware and shit. And like should he be offended that he’s paying someone to listen to him, because usually Mack just dumps that shit on people for free but alas. Will looks so proud every time Mack comes home from a session, or whenever he ends the zoom call he's met with hot chocolate with marshmallows and whipped cream - so obviously he keeps going, for the hot chocolate benefits only - definitely not how they end up cuddling after.
And sure Mack feels slightly less insane, slightly less insecure but he doesnt think it’s possible to outgrow.
and he doesn’t really see that much progress in terms of ‘self acceptance is vital macklin’. And he’ll only tell WIll this later under the security of his duvet covers but hes pissed it didn’t happen in some sort of cinematic masterpiece sort of way.
Mack in the middle of talking, they're nearing the end of the season now, playoffs aren’t happening which is a shame, but he'll live. He’s talking about hockey, obviously, about how the goalie prefers saving to the right, hates a slap shot, like his body flinches slightly every time before his brain realises that oh shit they’ve practiced this and how this automatically indicates that yes that means that he hates horror films and therefore, to score they just need to jump scare the guy, somehow,.
A couple of the guys nearby are half engaged, Will by his side is smiling and laughing along with whatever shit hes spewing like Mack’s a stand up comedian and he does think about getting down on one knee right there and then but he doesn't.
Dickie is clearly waiting for a gap to jump in. the gap came from someone else instead, a new guy, brought up from the barracudas.
”Jesus, you ever take a breathe,” he says, laughing not looking up from where he’s digging through his bag, ‘you got a whole podcast going on over there.”
there are a few chuckles and for a moment Mack feels it nearly melt into a moment so familiar. The instinct was immediate, ingrained to stop and shrink down, let it die. He felt it like he normally does, with the tightening of his chest, the awareness snapping into place like a reflex he hasn’t yet unlearned.
except, and hell fucking yeah, except this time it doesn’t take hold.
Mack exhaled, the pause stretching just long enough to be noticeable but he cuts it off himself,
Yeah,” he said not defensible jus grounded. “I talk a lot… but, i had a point you dickheads.” He adds, glancing across the room and he does nearly shrivel up and ascend when he looks at the pure delight on Will’s face, the way his eyes are looking at him honestly Mack feels his dick twitch.
”which was- if you’d actually been listening, holds fucking evidence. It, it’s—”
he picks the thread back up again. He finishes what he was saying and for a second no one interrupts then it does.
“Dude, you’re kinda on to something, should we like dress up as sharks on Halloween, scare the fuck out of him or something, next time we play em we can see the horror in his eyes.”
That plan gets quashed when another voice cuts in. “So we just need to jumpscar them then, sounds like a plan”
And Mack looks at will as he speaks, “Eh shouldn’t be hard with Wills face, eh.”
“You shit.” Will laughs out, hitting Mack playfully.
and just like that they move on.
everyone moves out and it’s just him and will again,
“that was new,” he says causally.
mack glances at him. “Huh?”
will leans his back against the stall. “You. Not shutting it down, not minimising what you have to say.”
Mack huffs out a small breathe, not quite a laugh. “Yeah. Well.” He shrugged “figures I might as well finish what i was saying.
And will smiles at him, so openly that if lwoeky makes Mack emotional.
“Glad you did.” Is all he says and Mack doesn’t respond straight away, mostly because all he’s thinking about is kissing will, but he doesnt wanna do that in a locker room, he has standards thank you.
”its still there,' he admits after a moment. “The whole…” he gestures vaguely, like he doesnt need to name it outright. “Thing.:
will doesnt pretend not to understand. “Yeah i know.”
Mack nods once and looks down at his hans. “Just not as loud i guess.”
It isn’t a perfect fix nor was it gone
“you don’t have to get rid of it completely.” And truthfully Mack doesnt think he ever will but still, he glances up “sounds like something I should probably aim for.”
”yeah maybe. Or.” Will says just as evenly. “You let it be there and be you anyways.”
and Mack’s holds his gaze for a second.
“Yeah, maybe.”
and when Mack starts talking about something inconsequential, something that doesn’t matter enough to overthink he doesnt stop halfway, instead he rambles on and reaches for Will’s hand, who brings their intertwined hands up to his mouth and kisses them like a fucking gentleman and mack stops speaking, his mouth agape as he just stares at will, who’s smile is getting wider and wider and he’s such a little shit that Mack does insinuate and no matter what Will says he won that pillow fight.
and now when Mack’s rambling about how shrek 2 is without a doubt the best movie, instead of being told to shut up, instead of someone walking away or getting fed up Mack’s met with a kiss and honestly, he’ll accept it. It’s probably one of the better ways to make him shut his gob. Huh. Who is he kidding it’s the best way. Every time it happens he smiles into it, and when Mack is laid out, stated and happy, their legs and hands intertwined, only then will Will ask him follow up questions, or completely disagree with whatever he was saying. And they go right back and it feels like utter acceptance and Mack at least knows that when the time comes - and it will - he’s going to write the best fucking vows ever - and yes it is a competition, one in which he will be winning.