Chapter Text
There's a starman waiting in the sky
He'd like to come and meet us
But he thinks he'd blow our minds
There's a starman waiting in the sky
He's told us not to blow it
'Cause he knows it's all worthwhile
- "Starman" by David Bowie
Ryland Grace was dying.
He had been for some time.
Of course, you could argue that technically every living thing was always also dying. Some were just doing it faster than others.
Grace was one of those dying things.
It was a state of being that he was quite familiar with. He and dying were old friends. They had walked many miles (many trillions of miles, in fact) hand-in-hand together. By rights, he should be dead already. Had the universe been even just a little bit less kind, he would be.
But no matter how many times he had held death’s clammy hands and stared his own mortality in the face, one singular, glaring, terrifying fact remained: He did not want to die.
And so when he learned that he was dying (faster than he should be), he did the only thing he could think to do. He pretended it wasn’t happening.
He kept to his usual routine. He woke up and did his morning stretches, ignoring the twinges in his knees and hips and back. He shaved his face and trimmed his hair if needed, working around the tremors in his hands. He ate his breakfast, me-burgers and vitamin shakes, choking the food down past the ever-rising, ever-present nausea. He walked to class, trying not to worry about how the walk felt longer every day or how unsteady he sometimes felt, even with his cane.
His classroom was where it was easiest to pretend. He sat at his modified organ and played out his lessons, smiling as his students scrambled to be the one to answer his questions. He lost himself in the lessons, teaching them about physics and chemistry and life on Earth, that distant planet that was as mysterious and marvellous to his students as Erid had once been to him. And if his fingers ached and his knuckles swelled after only a few hours of lessons, well, he just ignored that too.
He knew that he couldn’t ignore it forever. Dr. Grey had been firm in their prognosis, and he trusted that they knew what they were talking about. They had been his primary physician since he had first arrived on Erid ++∀ years[1] ago, and they had dedicated their life to helping keep him alive. They had read just about every medical text and journal that had been stored on the Hail Mary’s computers, more than probably even most human doctors. They were without a doubt the foremost expert on human physiology on Erid.
That did not make it any easier to accept their prognosis.
“Saviour Grace, you would be lucky to live another century[2].”
They had rattled down the laundry list of diagnoses. Most of it wasn’t new to Grace: arthritis in most of his joints; micro fractures in his legs and spine; an enlarged heart; heavy metal toxicity. But things had deteriorated faster than he had hoped. He had hepatitis, which was developing rapidly towards fibrosis. The swelling in his hands and ankles had worsened, and it wasn’t just because of the gravity pulling fluids down.
His heart was failing, and his kidneys and liver weren’t far behind.
The Eridians had done what they could for him. Over the years, the biochemistry team had managed to synthesize a number of medications—pain meds for his joints, blood thinners for his heart, chelating agents to remove the heavy metals from his system. But no amount of medication could change the fact that it was the planet itself that was killing him.
The bottom line was that humans weren’t meant to live in these conditions. The double gravity was wearing his joints and bones to dust and working his heart twice as hard. The heavy metals were poisoning his kidneys and liver, and despite his care team’s best efforts, the toxins were impossible to avoid. They were everywhere on Erid, and they made their way into the food he ate and the water he drank and the very air he breathed.
His body was a ticking time bomb. His biological age was somewhere around sixty-four, but he had the ailments of a man twenty years his senior. A man who had spent half of his life in a heavy metal factory, maybe, but an older man nonetheless. If triple organ failure didn’t kill him, then cancer from the toxins would creep in and finish the job.
Logically, Grace knew all this. He knew that if he stayed on Erid, he would die, sooner rather than later.
But he wanted to keep pretending, just a little bit longer.
In the evenings, after his classes were done and his students had gone home, Grace liked to go for a swim. It was more of a float, really, as he rarely had the energy to do any actual swimming anymore. But the temperature was just right, warm and relaxing as bathwater, and it was the only place his aching joints found any relief these days.
He floated on his back, arms and legs splayed out like a starfish as he stared up at the ceiling of the biodome. He watched as the lights shifted from yellow to orange to red in a vague approximation of a sunset. The simulated waves rocked him back and forth, soothing in their motion, and if he wasn’t worried about drowning, he would fall asleep then and there.
Movement on the beach caught his eye. He lifted his head and saw Rocky making his way down the beach, coming from the direction of Grace’s house. He raised an arm and waved, and Grace waved back.
By the time he made it back to shore, Rocky was there waiting for him. He picked up Grace’s cane from where it had been resting nearby and passed it to him. He took it thankfully.
“How’s the water today?” Rocky asked.
Grace couldn’t help but smile at the old joke. “Same as it was yesterday.” He hobbled over to where he had left his glasses and towel. The towel was Eridian-made, but the glasses were his own, though the frames were mostly xenonite now and the prescription hardly cut it anymore. The Eridians had yet to crack corrective lenses.
He started drying himself off. Rocky stood nearby, rocks skittering beneath him as he shifted from arm to arm. Grace eyed him. “You alright, pal?”
Rocky drew his arms together. “Yes. I’m fine! How… how was class?”
“Goooood…” Grace wasn’t convinced, but he could tell that whatever was bothering him, Rocky didn’t want to talk about it yet. “We learned about Newton’s laws of motion today.” He laughed, remembering a funny moment from the lesson. “I told them the story about the apple tree, and you’ll never guess what Worm said.”
He gave all of his students “human” names, even though his organ meant he could call them by their Eridian names. But it had become something of a tradition, and the kids loved it. Most of them chose a word themselves that they wanted to be called, and a lot of them chose Earth animals they had learned about. A not insignificant number tried to choose food words, but Grace had learned a long time ago to put a swift stop to that.
Potty humour—beloved by kids everywhere.
Rocky made a vaguely curious noise, and Grace realized he wasn’t really paying attention. He was distracted, bouncing on his arms and clicking his claws. It was a nervous tic Grace hadn’t seen in a while.
He poked his suit. “You sure you’re alright?”
Rocky swatted Grace’s hand away. “What? Yes, yes, I told you, I’m fine. Let’s go inside. You’re cold.” He turned without waiting for an answer and started to walk back up the beach. “Come on!”
Grace was a little chilly. The biodome always dropped a few degrees when the lights went down, and he had forgotten to bring his sweater. “Yeah, alright.”
He followed Rocky back towards the house, towel wrapped around his shoulders, and tried to ignore the way his heart sank.
The walk back to the house wasn’t long–not that the walk was long to get anywhere in the biodome. The whole place was less than two square miles, and some of that was inaccessible to him. But even a few minutes of walking felt like a lot to him these days.
Rocky didn’t say anything about how slowly he moved, especially on the stairs up from the beach. Grace was starting to hate those stairs. He kept his eyes on the house at the top of the cliff and the xenonite tree that stood tall beside it, willing them closer with every aching step.
“Have you eaten?” Rocky asked as soon as they were inside. He had lost whatever squeamishness around eating he still had somewhere between Tau Ceti and Erid, when the amount of calories that Grace was consuming had started ruling both their lives.
“Not yet.” Grace ducked into his room, changing from his wet shorts into pants and his sweater. Some of his clothes were Eridian-made, but others had come with him from Earth. Most of these were patched a few times over, the sweater most of all.
“You should eat.”
Grace rolled his eyes. “Yes, dear.”
Rocky flicked his claws.
It was an old conversation, one that had been played out a thousand times. Grace shuffled to the kitchen (hidden away behind soundproofed walls; he did want to have some Eridian guests besides Rocky) to prepare some food. He ate in the living room, and Rocky sat nearby and half-listened while Grace told him the rest of the story about Worm and the apple tree. He didn’t say anything except to tell Grace to keep eating.
“How’s Adrian?” Grace asked when he was done his story. He forced another bite of burger down past the rising tide of nausea, knowing Rocky wouldn’t leave him alone until he’d eaten every last bite.
Rocky crooked his arm dismissively. “Fine. Busy. You just saw them λ days[3] ago, didn’t you?”
He had, but he had hoped Rocky might offer more than that. “What about you? Anything new?” Not that it had been that long since he had last seen Rocky either. He stopped by the biodome every I∀ days[4] at least.
“Nope.”
Grace set his fork down. “Okay, what’s going on?”
“I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?”
Grace put his hands up. “Wha—what do you mean? Nothing’s going on.”
Rocky pointed a claw at him. “That’s not true and you know it.”
So that’s how it was going to be.
Grace leveled him with a stare, though he knew it wouldn’t have quite the intended effect. “What did Dr. Grey tell you?”
Eridians didn’t have the same concept of patient-doctor confidentiality that humans did, and even if they did, Grace suspected he would be exempt from it. Being the only human within sixteen lightyears meant that practically everyone on the planet was interested in his medical information.
Rocky lifted his thorax, as if he meant to feign affront, but then he dropped back down as the words all came tumbling out of him. “They said you’re not well. Your organs are failing. They said your heart could stop or your blood could clot in your brain and you could die at any second!”
“Wow, okay.” That wasn’t entirely inaccurate, but Grace didn’t think either of them needed to hear that at the moment.
“They also said that they told you all of this more than I year[5] ago. Why didn’t you say anything? I’ve visited you +ℓ[6] times since then, you asshole!”
Oh, he was really upset. Grace swallowed around the guilt sticking in his throat. “I didn’t want you to worry,” he said meekly.
“You think I wasn’t already worried? I’ve observed you deteriorating. You’re sleeping more and working less. You’re losing mass and forgetting even simple things. You’re in pain. You think I’ve forgotten the signs?” Rocky tapped a xenonite-clad claw against Grace’s skull. “Dumbass!”
“I’m sorry, okay? I just… I wanted to keep acting like everything was fine. Like nothing had changed.”
Rocky pounded his two front arms onto the table. Oh, he wasn’t just upset. He was angry. “Dumbass! This isn’t new information! We’ve known for decades[7] that you were heading in this direction. Now it’s finally gotten to the point where you can’t ignore it anymore, but that’s exactly what you’re trying to do! I’ve tried to be patient with you. I’ve told everyone to back off and give you the time that you need. But enough is enough, Grace! You have to make the decision now, or it’ll be too late.”
Grace rocked back, surprised by the harsh tone in Rocky’s voice. It had been a long time since he’d yelled at him like this. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, really. But I… I think it might already be too late, bud. You know what Dr. Grey thinks. I’ll be dead in a century[8], and the journey to Earth will take about that time. I don’t think my body could handle being in a coma for that long. I’d probably die en route.”
Rocky shook his thorax. “That’s why you wouldn’t be going alone, dumbass.”
“Rock. I can’t let you do that. If I go, I’m not coming back. I couldn’t do that to you.”
“We wouldn’t be going alone, either.”
“What, don’t tell me Adrian wants to come too. What about the engineering collective? I couldn’t let them give that up for me.”
Adrian had made quite a name for themself during Rocky’s long absence, rising to be chosen as the voice of one of Erid’s largest engineering collectives. They’d spearheaded the efforts to design Grace’s biodome all those years ago. It was their life, and he didn’t think it was something they’d ever want to give up.
“No, Grace.” Rocky tapped two fists together. “The hives have decided that if you go back to Earth, they'll send a delegation with you.”
“A delegation? Well, how many people are they thinking? I know you guys aren’t that big, but neither is the Mary, and it’s a long trip.”
“That’s why we built our own ship.”
That was the first Grace was hearing about this. “What? A ship? When?”
“It was finished +ℓ years[9] ago.”
That was only IV years[10] after they’d received confirmation that Earth’s sun had returned to full luminosity. “When did you start building it?”
“VVℓ years[11] ago.”
Grace threw his hands up. “Why didn’t anyone tell me!?”
“I told them not to. I didn’t want you to feel like the decision had been made for you. But we wanted it ready if you ever decided that you wanted to go home.”
Oh. Grace lowered his hands, pulling his glasses down to rub at his eyes. They felt gritty and tired. “I… That’s… It’s still a long journey, and we have no idea what could be waiting at the other end. We don’t know what the conditions on Earth are like.”
“Ugh, enough with that stupid excuse! They were able to send the Taumoeba to Venus. That would have been almost ∀ centuries[12] ago now, and it’ll have been even longer by the time we get there. You’ve said it yourself, humans are resilient. Whatever might have happened on Earth, they’ll be recovering.”
“It’s not a stupid excuse! It’s a very valid concern! And none of that changes the fact that I could still die on the way.” A century[13] in space was a long time, as they both knew all too well.
Rocky lowered his torso. “You know you'll die if you stay here! Is that what you want? Do you want to collapse in class, in front of your students? Or—or fall asleep one day and never wake up?” His voice warbled, thick with emotion.
“Oh, buddy.” Grace leaned forward, placing a hand against Rocky’s suit. “Of course that’s not what I want.”
“Then why won’t you go? Why won’t you let us take you home? I don’t want to watch you die, Grace. Not if there’s still a chance I can fix it.” He let out the high, keening noise that Eridians made when they were overcome with sorrow. Grace felt his own eyes sting with tears.
He pressed his forehead against Rocky’s suit, right above the top of his thorax. “I don’t want to die either, pal.”
“Then why won’t you go!?” Rocky was blubbering, his pitch quavering up and down.
Grace squeezed his eyes shut, and a tear leaked out to roll down his cheek. “Because I’m scared,” he admitted.
“Scared of what?” There was no judgement in Rocky’s voice, only concern.
God, where to begin. “I’m scared of leaving Erid. I’m scared of going back into space. I’m scared of dying up there when I could just die down here, where everything’s safe and familiar.” Safe was perhaps a bit of a stretch when the planet was actively killing him, but that wasn’t the point. “I’m scared of what Earth might be like. I’m scared of what other humans might think of me. I’m…” He faltered, and felt the familiar pressure of two xenonite-clad arms wrapping around him. He gripped the sides of Rocky’s suit with both hands. “I’m scared of losing you,” he whispered.
Rocky made a soft, whirring tone, the kind used to soothe an upset child. “Why would you lose me? I’m coming with you.”
Grace’s chest ached, and for once it wasn’t because of his bad heart. “You know you don’t have to, buddy. I know you never wanted to go into space again.” As much as it pained Grace to say it, he knew that he had to.
“I hoped that I wouldn’t have to. I hoped that you would want to stay here forever, and that you would be able to. But I always knew that if you decided to go home to Earth, I would go with you. I wouldn't let you go alone.”
Now Grace was the blubbering mess. A sob burst from his throat as tears streamed down his face, dripping onto Rocky’s suit. “I do want to stay,” he said between heaving breaths. God, his chest hurt, and now he was pretty sure it was because of his heart. “I want to stay here with you and Adrian and my kids. This is my home.”
His family was here. His life was here. Everyone he had known back on Earth would probably be long dead by now. There was nothing for him there.
Except for the chance to live.
“Erid will always be your home,” Rocky said. He rubbed an arm along Grace’s back, which was kind of awkward with the suit, but it helped. “No one will force you to leave. The choice is yours to make. But I want you to live, Grace. I want to take you home to Earth.”
Grace wiped the tears from his face. He wanted to take comfort in Rocky’s words, but the fears kept bubbling up, choking any hope he might feel before it had a chance to take root. “And then what?” he asked. “Say we make it to Earth and they fix me. I could live another ∀ centuries[14]! I could live to one hundred. You can’t stay on Earth until I die.”
He seriously doubted he would live that long—he had spent too much of his life in poor health for that—but he didn’t know how much technology on Earth might have evolved since he left. For all he knew, humans could be living to two hundred now.
“Why couldn’t I stay? You’ve lived on my planet for ++∀ years[15]. I might as well live on yours for a while. And I think I could make it longer than ∀ centuries[16] if I had to. Eridians aren’t as fragile as you soft humans.”
Grace huffed a teary laugh. “But what about Adrian? You’ve only just gotten your life back with them.” Rocky had been home on Erid for less than half the time that he had been away. Grace would hate to be the reason he left again.
“What a stupid question! Adrian doesn’t want you to die either, dumbass. They know I have to do this and they understand why. We have decamillenia[17] left together. You don’t have that long.”
Grace didn’t want to think about that right now—that no matter what he chose and what might follow, he was always going to die first. Rocky was always going to lose him.
But that was a crisis for another day.
“You don’t have to choose right now,” Rocky said, “but you have to choose soon. And by ‘soon’ I mean in like Iℓ days[18], not Iℓ years[19]. If we’re going to do this, we need to leave before next year[20].”
Grace nodded. “I will. I promise.” Iℓ days to decide, and less than a year to say goodbye to everything and everyone here. It felt like barely enough time, but he knew now there would never be enough time. He wrapped both arms around Rocky’s suit, and felt two of Rocky’s arms embrace him in return. “I love you, buddy.”
“I love you too, Grace.” Rocky let the hug marinate for a couple more seconds before pulling away. “Now stop leaking on me! It’s disgusting!”
They both laughed at that.