Chapter Text
Dear Drift,
I don’t know why I’m writing to you. I’m not even sure what I’m expecting from this. Flick says it’s like when someone writes in a diary because their head is too full and the words they want to say never come out if not through ink. Maybe she’s right. I mean, all the words I said that day… Fuck, Drift, I wasn’t thinking.
You don’t have to tell me I messed up. I already know I did. Seriously, I don’t even pretend that I didn’t. Every day it’s like all I can do is think about the Lavender Field. All I can do is think about you standing there and promising that if only we just talked, everything would be okay. That’s just so you, Open Book Drift. And all I could do was be… me.
You know I suck. I wish you never trusted me. I wish I never let you in, because everyone who’s ever been close to me suffers. It’s a fact of life at this point. Aj the poison. That’s me.
And I’m so fucking sorry that for a moment, looking at you, I forgot. It sounds so stupid when I say ‘I forgot’ like what I did to you wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life. That’s silly to admit, considering the complete mess my whole life is, but I think it might also be the truest thing I have ever admitted. What I did, I’ll never forgive myself for. I’m not going to be surprised when you don’t either.
To be entirely honest, I don’t know if you’ll read this, because I don’t know if I’ll have the gall to actually get Flick to find you. I mean, I don’t know if you’ll even open it, because for goodness sakes I probably wouldn’t either.
I’m just so so so sorry, Drift. And a few sorrys on a page isn’t enough, I know. It’s likely to never be enough. But that’s the funny thing. It’s not like I was ever enough, huh? I’m half the person you deserve, Open Book. I’m less. I’m nothing. All I’ve ever given you was choices that no one should have to look at and think that one was better than the other. This letter is probably the last thing you need, and I’m writing it anyway because god forbid I sit with my feelings a little longer than normal.
That’s who I am though. Selfish. I was selfish when I asked you to come to the Lavender Field and I decided that your past is exactly what defines you. It doesn’t, Drift. I promise it doesn’t. You can be whoever you want to be, whatever you want to be, wherever you want.
I just want you to know that what I said, I didn’t mean in the slightest. I want you to know that when you receive this, if ever, and burn it, or maybe rip it to shreds, I deserve that. I deserve every consequence for my actions, and if losing you is one of them, then I deserve that. The only thing I wish is that losing you didn’t hurt you just the same. The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you, Drift, please know that.
Please know that I really am sorry.
To make things easier for yourself, just forget that I ever existed.
-Aj.