Chapter Text
It was well past noon, and Dazai still hadn't shown up to work.
Kunikida had tried to be patient. He really had. But after watching Dazai's empty desk for hours, his patience had officially evaporated.
“Ranpo.”
“Hm?”
“Do you know where Dazai lives?”
Ranpo looked up from his snacks with a suspiciously cheerful grin.
“Oh, absolutely.”
Atsushi looked over.
“You do?”
“Yep.”
Kunikida adjusted his glasses.
“Then tell me.”
Ranpo gave him the address.
A short while later, Kunikida, Ranpo, Atsushi, and Yosano were standing in front of an enormous penthouse.
Atsushi stared upward.
“Dazai-san lives here?”
“Apparently,” Yosano replied.
Kunikida looked at the address again.
“A penthouse?”
Ranpo shrugged.
“You'd be surprised.”
They knocked.
Nothing.
Kunikida knocked again.
Still nothing.
Finally, footsteps approached.
The door opened.
Chuuya Nakahara stood there.
He was tall, his red hair was messy, and he looked like he'd been awake for approximately thirty seconds.
He stared at the Agency members.
They stared at him.
“...What?”
Kunikida recovered first.
“We're here for Dazai.”
Chuuya sighed.
“Yeah, I figured.”
He stepped aside.
“Come in. I'll get the mackerel.”
Atsushi blinked.
“The... mackerel?”
“Dazai.”
“Oh.”
Ranpo smiled knowingly.
Of course he knew.
Chuuya disappeared down the hallway.
---
The bedroom was quiet.
Dazai was still completely asleep.
He was curled into a tiny ball in the middle of the enormous bed, tucked beneath **five blankets**.
One pillow was tucked beneath his head.
Another was firmly hugged against his chest.
And beneath his cheek was a ridiculous fish-shaped pillow.
There was even a little bit of drool on it.
Chuuya stopped in the doorway.
He stared.
Then he quietly pulled out his phone.
“...Mackerel.”
Dazai didn't move.
Chuuya took a picture.
*Click.*
He smiled at the screen.
Dazai looked ridiculously peaceful.
His messy brown hair was sticking up everywhere, his bandages were slightly crooked, and one of his Hello Kitty socks had somehow escaped the blankets.
Chuuya slipped his phone back into his pocket.
“Alright, sleepyhead.”
Dazai stirred.
“Mmm...”
“Wake up.”
“No.”
“You've got visitors.”
“No visitors.”
“Agency.”
Dazai immediately pulled the blanket over his head.
“Tell them I'm dead.”
Chuuya snorted.
“You're unbelievable.”
He carefully peeled the blankets back.
Dazai blinked sleepily up at him.
His eyes were barely open.
“Chuuya...”
“Yeah?”
“I'm comfortable.”
“I can tell.”
“I don't want to move.”
“You have to.”
Dazai frowned.
Then he lifted his arms.
“Carry me.”
Chuuya sighed.
“Of course.”
He picked Dazai up, and Dazai immediately wrapped his arms around Chuuya's shoulders.
The fish pillow was still clutched in one hand.
Chuuya glanced at it.
“You're bringing that?”
“Mhm.”
“Why?”
“Fishie is coming with me.”
“That's not Fishie.”
“Fishie is whatever I say Fishie is.”
Chuuya laughed.
“Whatever you say, mackerel.”
---
When Chuuya walked back into the living room, everyone went silent.
Dazai looked absolutely adorable.
He was still wearing Chuuya's oversized shirt and Chuuya's pants, which were slightly too long on him.
His bandages were crooked from sleeping.
His hair was a complete mess.
His Hello Kitty socks were visible beneath the fabric.
And he was still holding the fish pillow.
Atsushi stared.
“Dazai-san...”
Dazai gave him a sleepy wave.
“Hello.”
Kunikida crossed his arms.
“You've been absent from work for hours.”
Dazai nodded.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I was sleeping.”
“That is not an acceptable excuse!”
Dazai immediately buried his face against Chuuya's shoulder.
“Chuuya, he's yelling.”
“I know.”
“Make him stop.”
Chuuya glanced at Kunikida.
“Could you lower your voice?”
Kunikida looked horrified.
“Why are you taking his side?!”
“Because he's my husband.”
Silence.
Atsushi's jaw dropped.
Yosano raised an eyebrow.
Kunikida froze.
Ranpo continued eating his snack.
“Yep.”
Kunikida whipped around.
“YOU KNEW?!”
Ranpo nodded.
“Obviously.”
“HOW LONG?!”
“Long enough.”
Dazai, meanwhile, seemed completely uninterested in the revelation.
Chuuya carried him over to the couch and sat down.
Instead of putting Dazai beside him, he simply settled Dazai onto his lap.
Dazai immediately relaxed.
He tucked the fish pillow against his chest and leaned back against Chuuya.
“Better?” Chuuya asked.
“Mhm.”
Dazai closed his eyes.
Atsushi stared.
“Is... is this normal?”
Yosano smiled.
“Apparently.”
Kunikida looked between them.
“You're seriously carrying him around?”
Chuuya shrugged.
“He likes it.”
Dazai lifted his head.
“I'm comfortable.”
“You're spoiled.”
Dazai smiled.
“Correct.”
Chuuya laughed.
At that moment, his phone buzzed.
Dazai opened one eye.
“What's that?”
“Nothing.”
Dazai narrowed his eyes.
“You took a picture, didn't you?”
Chuuya froze.
Ranpo immediately perked up.
“A picture?”
“No.”
Dazai pointed at him.
“He did!”
Chuuya sighed.
“Fine.”
He pulled out his phone.
Atsushi leaned closer.
“Can we see?”
“No.”
Ranpo leaned over anyway.
“Too late.”
He saw the picture.
Then he burst out laughing.
“What?”
Yosano took a look.
Then she laughed too.
Atsushi looked next.
His face immediately softened.
Kunikida reluctantly glanced at the screen.
The photograph showed Dazai completely asleep beneath five blankets, curled around another pillow, his cheek resting against the fish-shaped pillow.
There was a tiny spot of drool on it.
His hair was messy.
His Hello Kitty sock was sticking out from beneath the blankets.
And despite his usual dramatic personality, he looked completely peaceful.
Atsushi covered his mouth.
“That's... actually adorable.”
Dazai immediately reached for the phone.
“Give me that!”
Chuuya held it away.
“Nope.”
“Chuuya!”
“You're not getting it.”
“Delete it!”
“Absolutely not.”
“I'm your husband!”
“Exactly. I'm keeping the picture.”
Dazai puffed out his cheeks.
“You're mean.”
Chuuya smiled and wrapped an arm around him.
“You love me.”
Dazai grumbled.
“Unfortunately.”
“Sure.”
Dazai settled back against Chuuya's chest, still hugging the fish pillow.
A few seconds later, his eyes started closing again.
Kunikida stared.
“Is he seriously going back to sleep?”
Chuuya glanced down.
“Yep.”
Dazai mumbled sleepily,
“Wake me up when everyone leaves.”
Ranpo grinned.
“Oh, this is going to be fun.”
Kunikida sighed.
He had come to find Dazai.
Instead, he'd discovered a secret marriage, a penthouse, a spoiled husband, five blankets, Hello Kitty socks, a fish pillow, and photographic evidence that Dazai apparently slept like a very comfortable mackerel.
And Ranpo?
Ranpo was already planning how much he could tease Dazai about it later.