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Jack shoved his shaking hands into his pockets, grinding his teeth as he stood in the ambulance bay watching the fading red taillight of Robby’s bike as it left the bay and turned the corner. He had thought. Had hoped. That he had finally gotten through to his husband. That Robby would wait to go on his trip until he had given therapy another try.
But his husband was stubborn and instead Jack was left watching his husband leave wondering if he would see Robby again. Some part of him wondered if this crushing pain in his chest was something Robby had felt watching Jack leave on his tours with the army. But then he shook that thought away. Robby never watched him leave with suicidal tendencies. Jack always intended on coming back and he did. Even down part of his leg he came back.
“Hey Abbot. You going to stand out here all night and sulk?”
Jack’s lips twisted in the faint imitation of a smile at the sarcastic bite. Turning he found Emery Walsh stood behind him with her arms crossed over her chest. “Just taking in the night air,” he responded gruffly.
Emery rolled her eyes. “Ah yes, the lovely burnt smell from leftover fireworks. Truly peaceful.” She then stepped closer and nudged his shoulder. “You forget I have known you a long time and I know when you are sulking.”
Jack sighed and just rubbed a hand across his face. Emery had known him a long time. Technically speaking she was his sister-in-law. She still called him her brother despite Lizzie dying in a car accident twenty-two years ago. Jack had met Lizzie and Robby in college. Lizzie was a history major, and Robby was a few years ahead of him in med school. They became fast friends and when Jack started dating Lizzie, she took him home to meet her family, where he met her little sister Emery.
It was a relief for Jack to have Lizzie and Robby. Two people who called him family and brought him home whenever there was a break at college. Lizzie’s family loved him and Robby’s Bubbe insisted on feeding him up.
His parents worked and worked themselves to the bone to pay for college, but Jack wanted to be a doctor, and he knew his parents would never be able to pay for med school. So, he did the only thing he could think of during his senior year of high school and joined the army. Promising after he graduated med school to serve the minimum required years to pay back the army. His dad who had served in Vietnam broke at that; he had wanted Jack to stay as far away from the army as possible. Despite being a doctor and knowing what caused a heart attack. Jack remained convinced that since his dad died of a heart attack his first year of college, that it was his fault. Lizzie and Robby over the years tried to tell him it wasn’t his fault, but he never believed them. His dad continued to work harder than he should have to try and undo Jack’s commitment to the army. How could Jack go home to see his mom then? How could he look her in the eye knowing she was a widower because of him?
So, Jack, the coward that he was, didn’t go home much, unable to see the heartbreak he caused. He still talked to his mom, who lived with his aunt, she even came to his wedding to Lizzie and later his wedding to Robby. But they weren’t close. Jack’s own decisions did that.
Lizzie’s parents still spoke to him on occasion, but Jack didn’t call them much. He lost contact with a lot of people he served with in the army. Robby had always been the one person he thought he would never lose. But as with everyone in Jack’s life, he didn’t do enough to keep Robby.
“Jack,” at Emery’s soft tone, he blinked and turned to look down at her. She rubbed a hand up and down his arm. “He’ll be back.”
“Maybe,” Jack murmured, looking back at the street hoping to see Robby had changed his mind and come back.
“Hey,” he flinched when Emery pinched his arm. Jack turned to find Emery glaring at him now. “Don’t give up. I was there when you were co-dependent best friends. I was there when he was your best man and stopped you from puking down your suit. I was there when Lizzie and Robby got drunk after you left on your first deployment. I was there when Robby pulled you out of your grief after Lizzie…” Emery’s voice cracked and then she shook her head and then shook his arm. “I was there when you idiots pined after each other. I was there when Robby finally kissed you and told you he didn’t care about having to hide because of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. I was there when he watched you leave on three deployments as his partner. I was there when he was there every day after you lost your leg. I was there as he drove you to PT and therapy. I was there when your PTSD was so bad we didn’t want to leave you alone. I was there when he beamed with pride when you started working at PTMC. I was there at your wedding. Robby has never once given up on you. He won’t start now.”
Jack felt tears sting his eyes and he blinked looking away from Emery. He swallowed tightly. “You haven’t seen the past ten months since Pittfest,” Jack ground out. “You haven’t seen how he avoided talking to me. How he took extra shifts or changed the schedule to limit the time we had together. You haven’t seen him not spending our days off together, he has been with Duke and his bike. I’ve tried to keep hoping,” Jack coughed into his hand and turned back to Emery. “I’ve tried to help him as he helped me. But he doesn’t want my help. And I am scared Em. I’m scared he’s not coming home.”
Emery stared at him in shock and then pulled him into a tight hug, Jack let his head rest in the crook of her neck and absorbed the contact. It had been months since he and Robby shared a hug, let alone held hands.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Emery’s voice cracked slightly.
“Because he was already pissed at me trying to convince him to try therapy. I figured if I talked to anyone about what was happening, he would have left then and there, and I would have lost him.” Jack leaned back and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to force his tears back.
“Well, I’ll just hope for both of us then,” Emery stated, forced cheer in her voice. She looked at him and squeezed his shoulders. “He’ll be back. I know it.”
Before Jack could say anything, the shriek of ambulance sirens pulled his attention away from Emery and he rubbed his hands across his face again. He still had a shift to finish. He couldn’t fall apart now. So he did what he had done since Pittfest ten months ago, he shoved his feelings down so he was able to help.
In the two days since Robby had left, Jack had gotten sporadic text messages. Mainly pictures of different views or random objects Robby had seen. Jack responded to each one, but Robby never sent a reply to his questions. How are you? Have you found any good motels or are they all creepy? Any good diners?
Jack had ended up picking up another shift with SWAT, he was unable to stay in their house. The quiet pressing in on him in a way it hadn’t in years. Since losing his leg, Jack had his bad days, but they had gotten better, even his bad days now were nowhere near as bad as they used to be. But the old creeping dread was coming back. So, when his phone buzzed, his heartrate had picked up hoping it was Robby, desperation increasing when it wasn’t. But it was SWAT and despite the exhaustion settling into his bones, despite knowing better, Jack took the shift.
While SWAT wasn’t the best choice of a hobby, one his therapist didn’t approve of. Since Pittfest it had helped keep his mind off how similar that night was to what he saw in the army. Between SWAT and worrying about Robby, Jack found he was able to get through the day.
Four hours later, Jack was rushing around their single-story house, getting changed and showering before hastily making and eating a sandwich before getting ready for his night shift, exhaustion still pulling at his limbs. That was when he looked at his phone to find three missed messages from Robby. Two were pictures of the view. But then a short: you okay?
Jack laughed bitterly to himself. So that was what it took for his husband to message him? Completely ignoring him.
All good. Sorry just finished a shift with SWAT.
Unexpectedly a reply came back instantly.
You still doing that? Jack could hear Robby’s judgement through the screen.
Yep. Gets me out of the house.
You should be sleeping. You don’t need to ‘get out of the house’.
You know me. Can’t sit still. Need a hobby.
Pick a hobby that doesn’t involve getting shot at.
Jack huffed an annoyed breath. Trust Robby to ooze judgement and disappointment when Jack had begged for months for Robby to not buy the bike or ride it without a helmet.
Says you.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
You know exactly what it means.
Jack.
Going in for my shift.
Jack pocketed his phone and didn’t know whether to feel disappointed or not when his phone didn’t buzz again. With a sigh, he grabbed his backpack and started the walk to work. As he ambled down the street, he let his mind wander. Thinking back on when he started with SWAT.
It was a month after Pittfest and Jack could see Robby needed help, had constantly tried to get Robby to go to therapy. Despite being shut down, Jack persisted. He even talked to Robby about his own therapy sessions, something had never done, in the hopes Robby would try it. Showing that even he needed some help after Pittfest.
But instead, Robby bought his bike that needed fixing up and spent a lot of his time with Duke. So, when Jack was approached by SWAT, asked if he would moonlight with them for some shifts. Jack hadn’t hesitated and said yes, he couldn’t stay in their house on his days off and wish Robby would just talk to him. He hadn’t told Robby, just went to the training sessions and met the team. Robby only found out a month later when Jack came home with the uniform, the rest of his gear stored at the SWAT facility.
Robby turned at the sound of the front door closing and Jack internally groaned, forgetting Robby was off that day.
“Where have you been?” Robby walked towards him and spotted part of the camo uniform peeking out the bag. “Jack?”
Jack had sighed and shrugged. “Been training with SWAT the past month. They want me moonlighting for them and helping out with some shifts.”
Robby had stared. There was a glimpse of his husband. A glimpse of fear, of desperation. A glimpse of the look Robby would give him whenever Jack would tell him he had been given another deployment. But Robby’s expression shut down to the blank slate it had been the past two months.
“Are you insane?” snapped Robby.
“Robby,” Jack sighed.
“Don’t ‘Robby’ me!” Robby stepped closer and tried to pry the bag of the uniform out of Jack’s hand. But Jack side stepped him and started walking to their bedroom to put the uniform away. “How does this even happen? You work the night shift; you should be sleeping in the day not running off getting shot at!”
“I am not joining as a SWAT officer! I am a SWAT physician I am just there in case anyone gets hurt,” Jack put the uniform in one of his drawers and turned around to find Robby stood in the doorway of their bedroom with his arms crossed over his chest. “And this happened because of Pittfest,” Jack ignored Robby’s flinch knowing his husband wouldn’t appreciate him mentioning it. “Remember the police officer I treated with my cric kit? Well one of the officers watching works in SWAT and asked if I would help out.”
“But why?” Jack could tell Robby wasn’t thrilled. The usual judgemental and pissed off expression on his face, it was an expression that usually made Jack rise to the challenge of trying to make Robby laugh. But Jack didn’t try to make Robby laugh this time.
Jack shrugged. “Well, you’ve got your bike as your hobby. We don’t see much of each other right now and I need a hobby.” Jack had hoped Robby would remember Jack’s concerns about his bike and promise to sell it. But all Robby had done was shake his head at Jack and turn and walk away.
Jack felt his throat tighten as he recalled the previous eight months. Instead of Robby giving up the bike and finding another hobby, he doubled down. Started talking about his trip. It almost seemed like he was goading Jack. If Jack wasn’t going to give up SWAT, Robby would keep the bike, drive it to work and travel for three months. Not for the first time Jack wondered if joining SWAT had pushed Robby out of the door. Maybe he was too much. Maybe he wasn’t good enough for Robby. Dana had begged him to talk to Robby. But all he seemed to do was push Robby out of the door.
On walking into the ER, Jack tried to smile as day shifters left and fellow night shifters arrived. But the smile felt wrong, it was as if his face pulled awkwardly and he was left grimacing. No one seemed to notice as they bustled about, no one except Dana. As he leaned against the central desk after putting his bag in his locker, he looked up to find her looking at him with a raised eyebrow.
“Can I help you?” Jack asked, fighting to keep some of his usual snark in his tone. Going by the soft look in Dana’s eyes he failed.
“What’s this I hear about you doing a SWAT shift today?” at Jack’s look of confusion Dana added, “Robby text me.”
Jack’s hands folded into fists as he pushed his hands against the desk until he was stood upright. “He text you a lot?”
“A bit. Not a lot. Pictures of the view. What the motels and diners are like.” Jack looked down at his feet, grinding his teeth until it felt like his jaw was going to pop. He jumped when Dana’s hand came to rest on his. “Robby not texting you?” the look of protective fury on her face brought a genuine small smile to Jack’s face.
“Just pictures. Won’t answer me when I ask about the motels and diners,” he shrugged, but Dana’s knowing look had his eyes skittering to look up at the board.
“Well. You must have talked today for him to rat you out to me about SWAT,” Dana tried to sound comforting, but Jack could hear that she was trying to sound hopeful for him.
Jack huffed and rolled his eyes. “He sent me two pictures I didn’t respond to. Then he asks if I was okay. Just said I was with SWAT. He was all judgy about it.”
“Jack. He isn’t judgy. He’s worried,” Dana’s slight tone of admonishment had Jack pulling his hand back from hers and let his arms hang at his sides.
“Could’ve fooled me,” Jack bit out.
Dana looked surprised at his tone and leaned across the desk more. “Hon. What’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Jack.”
“I needed to get out of the house okay!” Jack threw his hands up and whisper shouted at Dana, not wanting the whole ER to find out about the distance in his marriage. “He wouldn’t talk to me. Worked more shifts. I tried to encourage therapy. But he bought the bike. Then he spent our days off working on his bike with Duke. And when SWAT asked me, why say no? I couldn’t stand sitting in our house waiting. And with him gone I couldn’t sit in that quiet house sitting around waiting for him to text me. I’ve given up hope of him calling me.”
“I didn’t realise,” Dana stepped around the desk to hug him.
Leaning into the hug Jack shrugged slightly and then stepped back refusing to look at Dana’s pitying gaze. “We could still work well together,” he stated. It was one thing that was normal. It was the one thing Jack got to keep of his husband. But then Robby left. Then he stepped further back putting more distance between him and Dana. “When you report back to him. Just tell Robby its fine. I know what I am doing.” With that Jack turned away to gather the night shift for their nightly huddle, feeling Dana’s eyes on him the whole time.
Once the night shift dispersed to take over patients. Jack felt his residual limb itch and leaned over to scratch just above his prosthesis. As he straightened up, he found Joy looking at him with her backpack slung over one shoulder. He watched her eyes take in the ankle of his prosthetic leg as his scrub pants rightened themselves to go back to covering up his prosthesis. Jack just stared back, waiting.
“You’re a vet, right?” Joy asked in her usual deadpan tone.
“I assume you mean a veteran,” Jack teased, smirking as Joy rolled her eyes. “Yes.”
Joy’s head jerked down towards his prosthesis, “World War Two? Normandy?”
Jack chuckled, as he stepped around Joy he leaned in to mutter, “World War One actually.” As he passed Joy, he half turned to see her smirking at him. Jack stopped and then said, “ever thought of joining the night shift?”
“I don’t plan on working in the ER,” Joy stated blandly.
“Heard about that,” Jack commented with a slight shrug of his shoulder. “Damn shame. You’d make a great ER doc. Also, I think the night shift would suit you. You’d fit right in.”
“Really?” Genuine surprise flickered over her face and Jack was left wondering when the last time was someone truly told Joy where she fit in.
“Yeah,” Jack stated. He then shrugged; shoulders pointing across the ER. “Also, would mean no Ogilvie.”
Joy’s gaze drifted across the ER where Ogilvie was talking with Al-Hashimi, clearly still trying to make a good impression. Joy’s eyes narrowed as she glared at the other med student. “Don’t threaten me with a good time,” she commented dryly.
Jack barked a short laugh and then stepped closer. “Seriously. Think about it. I would happily talk to Al-Hashimi for you.” Then he turned and continued on his way, checking in individually with all his night crawlers.
As he talked to Mateo by the ambulance bay doors, Joy passed them with Ogilvie closely trotting beside her. “What did Doctor Abbot want with you?” Jack rolled his eyes as the med student clearly missed him, Mateo chuckling into his hand.
“You to take a hint and stop being such a suck up,” came Joy’s biting and bored tone.
Ogilvie paused, “did he really say that? Oh, come on tell me, what could Abbot want to talk to you about that he couldn’t say to me?”
“How Joy is doing a good job,” Jack called out to the pair of them as they were between the two sets of automatic doors. The med students stopped and turned. Joy looking like Christmas had come early as Ogilvie visibly wilted at Jack’s glare. “Joy, think about what else I said.” Joy nodded and waved good night as she continued on her way out. Ogilvie opened his mouth but at Jack’s look slinked away as Jack watched him go with a shake of his head.
A short, sharp slurping noise came from behind him and Jack turned with an eyebrow raised ready to meet Shen’s bored gaze. “Yes Doctor Shen?”
“Didn’t realise you were adopting again,” Shen commented around the straw in his mouth.
“What are you talking about? I haven’t adopted anyone.”
Shen pulled his straw from his mouth and shook his head in disappointment. “The eldest and middle children do truly get forgotten.”
“John-”
But Shen continued as if Jack hadn’t interrupted him. “I am your long-suffering eldest who has developed a caffeine addiction.” Here he gave his iced coffee a pointed shake, the ice rattling. “Parker is your sarcastic middle child and looks like your youngest, Joy, is also going to be a sarcastic delight. To be honest. My bet was on you adopting Mel from the day shift. But I guess Robby didn’t want to lose her. So, not upsetting the spouse. I can respect that.”
Jack’s stomach twisted at the mention of Robby and ignored the comment about his husband. “I haven’t adopted anyone.”
“Uh huh,” drawled Shen, disbelief evident even as he slurped his iced coffee louder than necessary.
“You kind of have,” Mateo commented lightly with a shrug of his shoulders, ignoring Jack staring at him with a raised eyebrow. “Everyone on day shift refers to you as Shen and Ellis’s ER dad.”
“Don’t you have somewhere to be,” Jack pointedly asked the nurse. Mateo grinned at him and then fist bumped Shen as he passed him. Shen grinned as he slurped his drink obnoxiously again. Jack walked towards him to pass the other doctor. “You keep that up I will shove that drink so far up your ass the straw will be coming out of your nose.”
“Whatever you say pops!” called Shen, talking another loud slurp.
Jack shook his head, but when no one was looking he let himself chuckle. He couldn’t deny he did sort of end up adopting his night crawlers. He didn’t know about being called John and Parker’s dad though. He had tried to recruit Mel for the night shift, but Robby had put a stop to that before it had gotten anywhere. Jack sighed at the thought of his husband. Once again wondering why Robby couldn’t talk to him. Why Robby could talk to Dana but not him. Forcing Robby out of his head, Jack rolled his neck and went over to check in with Lena. Thankfully his charge nurse didn’t ask about how he was doing or about Robby.
The next morning Jack was walking home when his phone started to buzz. Getting his phone from his bag he was surprised to see it was Robby calling him. He accepted the call and put his phone to his ear.
“Morning Jack,” Robby’s voice was the usual quiet greeting he gave Jack every morning for handoff. But Jack could hear uncertainty in his husband’s voice.
“Morning Robby,” Jack murmured, eyes flickering as he waited for the crosswalk lights to change.
“Good shift?”
“Pretty good. Some traumas but no one died,” Jack started to cross the street and then side stepped a man in a business suit who was rushing while looking down at his phone. Jack sighed, “don’t look where you’re going then.”
Robby huffed a breath of amusement. “Business suit?”
“You guessed it,” snarked Jack. There was an uneasy pause and Jack braised himself for the dial tone. Pressing his phone more against his ear Jack desperately soaked in the faint sounds he could hear, Robby’s breaths, the shuffling of a jacket as Robby moved.
There was a short, huffing breath before. “Are you okay? Sleeping alright?”
Jack smiled faintly at Robby’s questions. “I’m alright. You know keeping busy helps me sleep.”
“Busy. Right.” Jack flinched, at Robby’s unimpressed tone. “Well. I’d best let you get on with your day of sleeping and SWAT before your night shift.”
“I’m still walking home,” Jack hastily said, trying not to tear up at Robby trying to end the call. “It’s really nice to talk to you. Especially as I missed you at handoff.” When Robby still didn’t say anything, Jack rushed to find something else to say. “I was trying to convince Joy to move to the night shift.”
“Why?” asked Robby, but there was no interest in his voice. It was as if he was only asking to humour Jack.
Jack frowned and took a breath before forcing a cheery note into his voice. “We both know she would fit in with the night crawlers. She also asked if I lost my leg in World War Two.”
Robby snorted faintly in amusement. “Of course you’d want her on your shift after that. You thrive with doctors who insult you. So, she’ll be joining Shen and Ellis as your adopted children.”
“You knew about that? And you didn’t say anything about day shifters saying I was adopting?” exclaimed Jack, letting his amusement show.
“Yeah, I knew.” Robby’s voice sounded so fond tears stung Jack’s eyes, this was his Robby. Maybe the trip wasn’t so bad after all. Robby then coughed, “well I have to hit the road. Love you, Jack.” Then he hung up before Jack could respond.
Jack pulled his phone back to look at the screen, sniffling as a tear escaped. He forcefully wiped the tear away before texting Dana.
You responsible for Robby calling me?
Just reminded him that he should be talking to his husband more than me.
Thank you.
You know I’ve got your back.
Jack walked home a little lighter at hearing from Robby, but there was a heaviness that still squeezed his chest tightly. There was some hint of his husband, but Robby was still slightly reluctant to talk to him, and Jack couldn’t work out what he had done. Perhaps this was just Jack’s life. Eventually he lost everyone close to him one way or another.
Over the next two weeks, Jack had sporadic phone calls from Robby. All of them short and Robby hanging up before Jack was ready for the conversation to end. But they hadn’t talked on the phone for a few days. While Robby’s text messages remained mostly pictures of views.
But rather than be reassuring, all it did was confirm to Jack that he didn’t help Robby. Rather he was the reason Robby needed to get away to heal. So, rather than mope around the house, he took a few more SWAT shifts. It wasn’t like he was sleeping well anyway. Might as well make himself useful.
It was the latest SWAT shift that had him going to the Pitt earlier than normal. As he had been treating a shot suspect, another suspect for reasons known only to the guy with the worst aim Jack had ever seen, ended up shooting his partner again, and also caught Jack in the chest. His vest stopped any major injury, but he was finding his chest tight, and it was hard to take deep breaths. So, he resigned himself to getting checked out. He knew he could have gone to Presby or another hospital. But factoring in wait time it would be time for his shift to start after being treated so it was easier to go home, get changed and get his stuff before walking to work.
It was uncomfortable as he walked, but strangely the pain as he took each step centred him. As the days wore on without Robby, there was a numbness encroaching into Jack’s life, so the short bursts of slight pain were a welcome distraction. Walking into the Pitt Dana spotted him immediately.
“Why are you here so early?” she demanded, the mama bear look she had perfected over the years on full display.
“Can you grab Mel? I just need her to authorise a chest x-ray,” Jack commented, then added, “is there a free bed?”
“Why?” Dana began to look mad, as if she already knew why Jack was asking for an x-ray.
Biting the bullet Jack sighed, rubbing the back of his head with a slight wince. “Vest took a bullet; think I’ve got bruised ribs.”
“And you clearly went home first. What if it was worse Jack?” oh wonderful, Dana was using her ‘you’re an idiot’ tone that was usually reserved for Robby.
“If it was worse, I wouldn’t have been able to walk off the scene. Therefore, most likely bruised ribs. But figured might as well confirm it,” he shrugged.
“Might as well?” Dana’s eyebrows raised up into her hairline and then she was grasping tightly to Jack’s arm and pulling him towards central ten. “So, I can keep an eye on you,” she growled and then left. Hopefully in search of Mel.
A minute later, as Jack sat on the edge of the bed, his legs swinging as he waited. Mel entered the room. “Hello Doctor Abbot,” she smiled warmly. “Dana said something about a chest x-ray?”
“Took a shot to the vest with SWAT just want to confirm bruised ribs,” he stated, reminding himself not to shrug as he took a light breath.
Mel nodded and grabbed a pair of gloves. “Do you mind if I examine you?” her hands clasped together, the only sign she was nervous about treating him. Jack smiled at her and began to remove his scrub top, wincing and grunting as his chest protested. “Let me help,” Mel quietly said. Usually, Jack balked at anyone helping him, but Mel did it in such a way Jack didn’t feel like she was patronising him or taking over. She was simply letting him take the lead with some assistance from her.
“That’s a bruise.” Once Jack’s scrub top and under shirt had been removed, he looked around to find Dana stood in the doorway with her arms crossed over her chest.
“Aren’t you too busy to lurk here?” he bit out. Dana didn’t answer, she just leaned against the wall and continued to glare at him.
“Okay,” Mel whispered to herself. She then examined Jack, apologising every time Jack winced.
By some miracle not many patients needed an x-ray, so Jack was not left waiting for long. And while Mel was seeing another patient and Dana was distracted at central by Ogilvie, Jack logged onto the computer in his room and found his own chart and loaded up the x-ray. Happy to see no breaks or cracks in his ribs, Jack printed off his own discharge paperwork and found Mel to sign it. She seemed amused by this and shook her head with a smile as Jack folded his discharge paperwork and shoved it into the pocket of his scrub pants.
“I will be sure you give you full marks for your patient satisfaction score Doctor King,” he grinned.
“Thank you,” Mel chuckled with an incline of her head before she was walking back into the midst of the ER.
Looking at the time Jack saw it was only an hour until his shift started so he went to the board and started picking out patients. Whittaker and Santos didn’t even look surprised to see him working, so used to him working earlier than normal.
Three patients down and Jack was into the swing of things. He wasn’t breathing too hard and the pain in his chest was barely registering. He had even managed to work with Joy for a patient and seemed to be making ground in convincing her to give the night shift a chance.
“Abbot!” at Dana’s frustrated tone, Jack winced slightly, looking over to where Dana was stood at central with her phone against her ear.
“Ooooh you’re in trouble,” Joy snarked as she picked up a chart and continued on her way.
Jack rolled his eyes but slowly made his way to central. Seeing Dana on her personal phone, Jack paused. Realising she must be on the phone to Robby. A sudden, horrible, fit of bitter jealously swelled within him. Robby was clearly reluctant to talk to him and only seemed to call him because Dana prompted him to. He knew Dana was one of Robby’s best friends, but Jack in that moment had a sinking realisation that even if Robby made it back from his trip, maybe he was going to lose his husband anyway. Maybe Robby would divorce him. See that Jack was nothing but dead weight.
Dana looked at him in confusion and there was a hint of worry hidden in her expression, so Jack shook himself and finished walking over to her. “What can I do for you?” he asked, fighting to keep his voice light.
Saying nothing, Dana passed him her phone and as she walked past him, she squeezed his shoulder comfortingly.
“Jack,” he shuddered slightly at Robby’s voice.
“Hey Robby,” Jack breathed out, looking down at his free hand that he pressed down on the desk.
“I was just updating Dana, and she said you were at the Pitt, so I wanted to tell you as well.” Robby sounded nervous and then took a deep breath. “I don’t know why this is scary to say,” Robby muttered to himself, pulling a small smile from Jack. “I’ve started doing zoom therapy with Caleb. The past two weeks. I didn’t say anything before because I didn’t know if I was going to stick it out. Didn’t want to make you hopeful and then rip it away. But…well…I think it is beginning to help. You were right that it does suck in the beginning. But…well…you know.”
“I know,” Jack murmured. “And I am really glad to hear that.” Jack’s knees almost gave out in relief. To know Robby was getting help was good. But there was still that niggly part of him that wondered how long he got to call Robby his husband for. “I’m proud of you.”
Predictably, Robby changed the subject, not one to listen to praise. “Why are you in early? It’s still fifteen minutes before your shift and Dana seemed to suggest you’ve been there nearly an hour.”
Jack bit his lips in a grimace. He could lie. But Jack had always made it a point to never lie to anyone. He might not tell someone everything, but he never lied. “Was on a SWAT shift. Suspect had really shitty aim and got me in the vest. Just came in earlier to confirm it was bruised ribs. Which it is, so I am fine. And thought why go home to come back?”
There was a pause, Robby’s shock and disbelief evident. But there was an undercurrent of total fear. “You were shot?”
“In the vest,” Jack stressed, looking at the ceiling. “I am fine.”
“You should be at home with bruised ribs,” Robby snapped, his voice shaking slightly.
“I am fine to work. Yes, if I had cracked or broken ribs I would be sitting at home. But I haven’t. They are bruised and I’m okay to work,” Jack argued.
Robby heaved an incredulous sigh. “You’ve got to be fucking joking. You can’t be serious Jack! You fucking idiot!”
Jack closed his eyes as Robby ranted at him. Part of him soaking in the normality, taking him back to when Robby cussed him out for trying to visit Robby at the Pitt when he had lost his leg and had hobbled to the hospital with crutches while he waited for his prosthetic leg. But then the hurried steps of paramedics worried about running out of time crashed into the ER. Jack looked over to see one of the paramedics doing CPR.
“We have a gunshot victim!” the other paramedic screamed out.
“Love you, Robby. Got to go,” Jack wasn’t even sure if he hung up the phone, just letting it thump down onto the central desk as he ran over pulling gloves on.
Emery insisted on driving him home after shift. Once she found out about the bruised ribs, thanks Dana, Jack was forced to listen to her rant at him about how much of an idiot he was. Her rant was alphabetised with chronological examples thrown in. She really did have a way with words that actually left Jack impressed, if not still disagreeing with her after it was over.
Rather than taking Jack home first, Emery took him to their favourite diner for breakfast. Both working the night shift, they would try and make time twice a month to go for breakfast together. Since Pittfest Jack had been bad at making time for her.
As they ate, Jack tried to focus as Emery moaned about one of the med students on their general surgery rotation, but he couldn’t focus on what she was saying. His favourite pancakes didn’t even taste right. Taking a gulp of coffee, Jack just shrugged it off. Maybe he was coming down with a cold. That would just be the cherry on top of his life right now.
On making it home, Jack text Robby.
Emery took me for breakfast. At home and about to sleep. Don’t worry, no SWAT shifts for at least a week.
He wasn’t surprised when there was no response from Robby by the time he was finished with his shower. He could see Robby had read the message. Robby could be petty when he wanted and that side of his husband was often seen when Jack had done something Robby deemed very stupid. So, Jack resigned himself to the silent treatment for now with a faint smile at the normality. But the silent treatment was made worse by the fact he couldn’t endure it with his husband still in the same house. He actually missed Robby silently making him coffee but making it decaf or switching the shower temperature to freezing to further punish Jack for his stupidity.
The silent treatment lasted for three days and then Jack was back to just getting pictures from Robby. At least he got two or three pictures a day. But he understood better now. After having Emery and Dana invite themselves for dinner one evening when he and Emery were off shift. They made him acknowledge how scary that would have been for Robby, especially when Jack was known to brush off a patient once slashing him with a stolen scalpel which ended with Jack needing eight stiches on his arm. And this time Robby couldn’t be there to check on Jack himself.
So, Jack made a decision and text Robby.
Taking a break from SWAT for now. Filling my days too much.
Glad you are taking care of yourself.
That was the only thing Robby said about the matter and Jack had to smile. As petty as Robby could be, he knew when not to drag something out and to let it go.
But as the weeks passed and Robby began to text him more and called more. It was nice getting to talk to Robby more, listen as his husband talked about the various things he had seen. Jack breathed easier as he listened, starting to believe that Robby would come home.
But despite this relief, Jack felt exhaustion hit him. No matter how much he slept, he couldn’t stop himself feeling tired. He wasn’t interested in his books. In listening to music. In cooking. He was making meals because he knew he had to eat, not because he enjoyed cooking. Food tasted like dust. Even coffee wasn’t waking him up. He just stared when Shen and Ellis made jokes. Barely smiled while on shift. Left Shen to run the night crawler huddle at the start of shifts.
He talked to his therapist. But he couldn’t focus on what Pete was saying. It was like he was sat in a jar of honey, and everything was muted. He nodded, agreed to let others know he was struggling. But he was just tired. Why would he bother Emery and Dana with that? One of them would tell Robby who would be worried. He was just tired.
He was tidying the house on his night off when his phone rang, turning to find it on the coffee table, he was confused to see an unknown number. Shrugging he reached for his phone. “Hello?”
“Is this Jack Abbot?” a woman sniffled on the other end. Jack frowned, her voice, it was familiar but couldn’t quite place why.
“Yes.”
“Hi Jack, it’s Kerry…Kerry Richards.”
Jack lowered himself to his couch slowly, “Harold’s wife?” Harold had been a medic assigned to Jack’s medical unit. He had completed all his tours with the other man; Harold was the one to pull him back to safety when he lost his leg. If it hadn’t been for Harold, Jack knew he would have bled out before reaching the hospital. He had lost contact with Harold, as he did with most of the men and women he served with. Two of them had been injured with him, and while they were able to return to service, they had forced Jack to exchange numbers with them. He didn’t contact them much, just the occasional happy birthday. But Harold he lost complete contact with.
“Yes,” Kerry sniffled and Jack felt his stomach twist violently. “I’m sorry to call you like this. But Quinton Rogers had your number, and I knew Harold would want me to tell you.” Jack could hear as Kerry turned her face from her phone as she audibly tried to hold back a sob. Jack clutched his phone tightly as he closed his eyes. “Harold…Harry has passed away…”
Swallowing against the lump in his throat, Jack managed to force out. “I’m so sorry Kerry. He was a good man.”
“He was,” Kerry murmured, a smile evident in her voice. She then coughed. “This might be hard to hear, but I want to let you know because it has already been reported here in Philadelphia and I don’t want you to hear it from the news…But. Harold had been struggling again…he left a note and he walked to a bridge…”
“You don’t have to explain more. I understand.” Jack choked out, his voice rough as he tried to comfort Kerry. He appreciated her telling him, but he couldn’t help but picture a desperate Harold stood alone on a bridge.
“The funeral is next week. I’m sorry it is short notice, but I’ve been trying to get in contact with someone who had your number,” Kerry murmured.
Jack winced. “Don’t apologise. I really am sorry Kerry.”
“Thank you, Jack,” she took a deep breath. “I’ll text you the details.”
When the call ended Jack just sat on the couch staring off into nothing. He thought back to how Harold liked to joke around but was always there as a good friend. As a medic he assisted the doctors or went out to get the wounded. Jack had lost count of the number of times he had stood outside the hospital tent or against a hospital building trying to get the dying screams of his patients out of his head when Harold would appear with a smile and a snack. Would talk Jack’s ear off until all he could hear was Harold’s honking laugh.
Jack had always felt guilty about losing contact with Harold. But part of him had been scared. He hadn’t told anyone when he and Robby started dating, afraid of DADT and afraid of losing his friends. But finding out Harold was only in Philadelphia was like a kick to the gut. The person who was his closest friend in the army was so close and Jack had no one to blame but himself and his own cowardice for losing his friend.
On autopilot he contacted the hospital and arranged two days off. He figured that it would make sense to drive up the day before, stay in a hotel and then drive the almost five hours home after the funeral.
He jumped when his phone began to ring again, he didn’t look to see who it was, figured it may have been another long-lost army friend. “Hello?”
“Jack? Are you okay?” it was Robby, his voice soft and worried. “You don’t sound alright brother. What’s going on?”
“It’s fine,” Jack tried to sound normal, but his voice still wobbled.
“Jack. Baby, please talk to me,” it was that soft, low tone which undid Jack.
Sighing shakily Jack murmured. “Just got a call from Harold Richards’s wife. He…Harold died.”
“Oh Jack. I’m sorry.”
“He…he jumped off a bridge,” Jack stuttered out. He heard Robby’s surprised gasp and before his husband could say anything Jack added. “He was only in Philadelphia. He was about five hours away Robby.” His voice was thick with tears and swallowed continuously to force them back.
“You couldn’t have known Jack,” Robby forcefully said.
“He needed help.”
“You didn’t know Jack. That is not your fault,” Robby stressed, voice firm. “When is the funeral?”
“Next week,” Jack sniffled. “Kerry apologised but she has been trying to track my number down while grieving her husband.” Taking another breath, he added “I’ve sorted it with the hospital.”
“I can be home in four days,” Robby said. “Then-”
“Don’t,” Jack interrupted. “You need to finish your break. You need the sabbatical.” Jack didn’t want Robby coming home too soon for him, not when he was just getting better.
“Jack. You shouldn’t be on your own,” Robby murmured.
Jack shook his head despite the fact Robby couldn’t see him. “I’m fine. Yes, I’m sad. But I’m fine. You said you are exploring more of Canada; you should finish that before you come home. I promise. I will be fine. I will be more worried if you cancel your trip and rush back home.”
“I don’t like the thought of you on your own Jack,” Robby stated and then he sighed heavily. “I won’t argue on this. However, Dana and Emery will be checking with you more, that is my only condition.”
Jack smiled faintly. “Deal. I’m sure they’ll update you on how I am anyway.”
Robby hummed. “Well, I will be home in about three weeks. But promise me. You will tell me if you need me to come home sooner.”
“I promise,” Jack whispered. He didn’t lie, but he promised himself that he wasn’t going to need Robby home. Robby didn’t need Jack dragging him down again. “I’m going to have some dinner. But text me a nice view tomorrow.”
“I will,” Robby said, his voice like a comforting hug. “I love you.”
“Love you too.”
Jack ended the call and let his phone drop onto the couch. He knew he needed to have dinner, but he just didn’t feel hungry. The thought of eating just made him feel sick, so he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He guessed having a smoothie would be better than nothing. So, he shakily got to his feet and took one step.
At the first crack and bang of noise Jack froze. Before, logic would have told Jack that someone was setting off their leftover fireworks, weeks after the fourth. But now? Logic slipped through his fingers like water and with no one home to ground him. Jack froze.
Then a sudden series of bangs ripped through the night sky. Jack flung himself off the couch and dropped to the ground. Ignored the sharp pain of his residual limb hitting the floor and crutches landing on him. Then he crawled. He didn’t see his living room. He just saw sand. And he had to find cover.
His eyes saw the living room and hallway, then saw the bedroom and the bathroom. But his mind saw sand, saw dead bodies, soldiers he couldn’t save. He paused beside each solider and felt their pulse, tried not to look too closely at their faces. Hearing screams for a doctor or medic, Jack crawled forwards.
Finally finding cover, Jack huddled and feeling cold realised he had pulled himself into the bath. The cold surface pulling him out of his flashback long enough to know where he was. His stomach rolled and he clutched his hands against his head. Feeling sand in his hair and on his skin, he knew he was going to sink again.
“Robby!” he called out hoarsely. But then realisation slammed into him. Robby wasn’t here. His phone back on the couch. He couldn’t call his husband. Couldn’t call anyone. He was stuck. In the bath, on his own. A sob ripped out and as another firework burst overhead, Jack curled into a ball, tugging on his hair as he pressed his hands against his head.
It wasn’t the first time his brain sought cover and took him to the bath. When he had done this, home from the hospital after losing his leg, Robby was worried and after seeing Jack bruise himself lying in the bath, started leaving pillows and blankets there to act as a soft landing. But Robby wasn’t here and Jack couldn’t force himself to move. His mind screaming at him to take cover.
As Jack looked over at Harold’s family, looking at his crying wife and children, he couldn’t help but think of Robby.
When he had been at home recovering from losing his leg. His PTSD had gotten so bad he couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. Robby was exhausted working at the Pitt and watching Jack at night. He had used up a lot of his personal leave when Jack was first discharged from Walter Reed and had no more leave to take. Emery and Dana helped where they could, but a multi car accident on the highway led to the three of them working together late into the night, when Jack awoke from a nightmare, it had been bad. Jack flinched just thinking about that night. He had dragged himself into the bathroom, locked the door behind him, filled up the bath with cold water and had just lowered himself into the bath just about to dunk his head under the water. Just wanting his head to be quiet. When Robby kicked the door in and pulled Jack out of the bath, the both of them sobbing.
Jack had insisted on finding a therapist the next morning. He saw the pain and exhaustion in Robby’s eyes, and he couldn’t do that to him again.
But he did. Every time a nightmare or flashback happened. Jack was back in the bath. At least not filling it with water. But huddling there, finding cover from a threat that wasn’t even there. Sometimes even sleeping in the bath. He knew every time that happened, Robby was terrified that Jack was going to fill the bath again. He used to wonder if that was another reason why Robby put blankets and pillows in the bath. Not only to stop Jack from bruising while he lay there, but as another way to stop Jack filling the bath with water. Sometimes Robby would fold his long limbs to be in the bath with Jack, holding him tight, determined not to let him go. They both breathed easier when Jack stopped huddling in the bath.
Looking at Harold’s grieving family, he thought about when he lost Lizzie. How he felt. How he would have put Robby through that if Robby hadn’t come home that night when he did. He thought about Robby on his sabbatical. How he had been unable to help his own husband.
Then he wondered how much of Robby’s depression was because of him. Robby’s mother, the death of his Bubbe, Covid, Adamson and Pittfest all played their parts in Robby’s mental state. But Jack forced himself to remember the pain in Robby’s eyes that night in the bathroom, remembered Robby’s unwillingness to leave him alone after that until therapy and meds finally seemed to help. He thought about Emery saying how Robby had sobbed getting the call Jack was wounded. He remembered the look in Robby’s eyes when he told him about another deployment. He remembered Robby telling him he didn’t care they had to hide because of DADT. How they were friends when he was married to Lizzie, no one would think differently. How they could wait to live together until Jack was out of the army. How Jack had the excuse of Emery and Lizzie’s parents as reasons to visit Pittsburgh and happen to catch up with Robby. But he saw the toll it took on Robby and still didn’t let him go.
The horrible thing was. Jack hadn’t needed to go on the last two deployments. He had served his time paying the army back for med school. But with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan raging on, he had been unable to step back and leave the men and women he worked with at the field hospitals behind. So, he had signed on again. He knew Robby understood, but it didn’t take away how selfish Jack was. His need to not abandon his friends in the army, who he no longer spoke to, meant he abandoned Robby. Over and over again.
Robby was right to go. All Jack did was cause pain. Robby was never going to get better with Jack around.
Sitting at the funeral, without even realising it. Something in Jack just snapped.
How was the funeral? Are you okay?
Jack just stared at his phone once he got home. Sitting on their bed, still in his suit. Jack just stared and stared. Until the light through the curtains faded to an inky dusk.
Jack?
He jumped when the new message buzzed his phone.
It was fine.
Getting some sleep. Love you.
He then tossed his phone onto his nightstand and methodically changed out of his suit and took off his prosthesis.
Over the next few days, Jack didn’t bother with cooking food. He just bought pre-made smoothies. Despite knowing they should taste sweet, they didn’t taste of anything. A flu was making its rounds, and Jack gave up his nights off to take on extra shifts as cover, even working one double shift. He also stopped answering his phone when Robby called. He would text his husband later, using an excuse that he was sleeping or at the gym and hadn’t heard his phone. He knew as soon as Robby heard his voice, he would be coming home early. And Jack couldn’t do that to Robby.
He was leaning against the central desk, forcing his brain to listen as Al-Hashimi talked him through handover. As they finished, he watched as she coughed into the crook of her elbow.
“You okay?” he asked.
“I’m fine,” she said, looking tired. “Don’t think it’s the flu yet. But I’ve got the next two days off anyway.”
Jack clapped her on the shoulder. “Make sure you get some rest.” Then he turned to find Dana stood behind him looking at him with concern. “I’m fine.”
“The fact you started with that tells me you’re not.” Dana then leaned closer. “You look like you haven’t been sleeping.” Jack grimaced. He knew he couldn’t tell her the truth that he was getting maybe three hours of sleep at most before nightmares ripped through his rest. Couldn’t say that flashbacks were sending him to the bath to take cover. He couldn’t say the thought of food made him feel sick. He knew he couldn’t say any of this because she would tell Robby who would come home early.
“I’m fine,” he stressed and reached around her to pick up a tablet.
“You’re not Jack,” Dana said softly. “I’m worried about you.” Jack closed his eyes as she rested a hand on his shoulder. “Take this shift off. Come home with me, Benji and the girls would love to see you.”
“I can’t,” Jack disputed. “Shen is out sick and everyone is stretched anyway. I can’t go home just because I look like I haven’t slept. I’m fine.”
Dana stepped into his view, and she stared at him with wide eyes. “You need to stop lying to yourself. You are struggling. You think you are hiding it, but I’ve known you too long Jack Abbot. You’ve stopped talking to Emery and me. You’ve stopped coming for dinner. Your hands occasionally shake. You need to take some time off. Don’t think I don’t know about the double shift you pulled three days ago. I may have had the day off, but I still know what goes on in my ER.”
Jack sighed as he leaned his head back, “I’m fine.”
“You are not,” Dana whispered harshly as she pulled at his scrub top until he looked back at her. “I’ve seen you’ve struggled since Pittfest, but I didn’t say anything because you seemed okay. You mentioned seeing your therapist and while you didn’t come for dinner I figured it was because you were staying in with Robby. But I’ve seen you the past six weeks since Robby left. You look lost and tired. Without him to focus on you’ve stopped pushing down your own feelings.”
“Dana…” Jack warned, his eyes starting to sting the more she talked.
“It is time to focus on yourself,” Dana stressed, reaching up to ruffle Jack’s hair. Jack felt his shoulders drop, and almost, almost let Dana take him home. But then there was a shout.
“Heart attack victim!”
Then Jack pulled away from Dana, her hands trailing through his curls as he spun on his feet and rushed over to the paramedics.
The rest of the shift passed agonisingly slowly, but Jack had never been busier. He didn’t get a moment’s rest, going between his own patients and then having his residents asking him for advice. Parker was clearly trying to run the shift, trying to get him to sit down. But it was a busy night for traumas.
When morning came, Jack was back leaning against central, his residual limb shaking from the hours he stood on his prosthesis. The plastic of his prosthetic leg rubbing and biting into his limb despite the liner. He didn’t sit down to chart because he knew as soon as he did, he wouldn’t be able to get back up. Checking the time, there was still forty-five minutes left of his shift, it was enough to almost make Jack lean forward to knock his head against the desk.
Just as Jack was contemplating sitting down because Lena looked about ten seconds away from tying him to a chair more paramedics were arriving. Jack looked up at Lena and knew he looked bad from the pitying look on her face. Not turning around, he pulled some gloves from the box and started to limp after the stretcher as the paramedics explained the patient had fallen off an apartment building fire escape. As Jack passed central, he noticed from the corner of his eye as Lena perked up with a smile and said, “well this is a good surprise!”
Jack didn’t turn around to see what the surprise was and instead walked into trauma two. He was standing at the foot of the gurney after the paramedics left. He just about followed Mateo calling out vitals and directed Crus to the airway and Parker to do the primary exam, letting her take control of the patient and treatment.
Jack could see the patient had broken both of his legs, due to the angle of the legs. Limping across the trauma bay Jack got some foam splints and as he limped back, he watched as Parker saw what he was doing and leaned closer to the patient. “Hey Oliver. Doctor Abbot is going to put some foam splints on your legs. They are going to hold them still and help reduce the pain from movement and then you’ll go to surgery to fix them.”
Just as Jack secured the second splint the heart monitor in the room started to shriek. Jack walked up the gurney and on seeing the flatline started CPR. He trusted Parker and Crus to run the code and just focused on his hands. His eyes flickered to Oliver’s face, and he winced seeing the blood. As he pushed down on Oliver’s chest his heart jumped when he didn’t see Oliver’s face, but Harold Richards looking back at him with glazed over eyes. Jack shook his head, trying to re-focus. He knew Harold wasn’t there. He was buried a few days ago.
“Come on,” Jack grunted, his residual limp screaming at him as he pushed down. “Come on.”
He stepped back for a shock, but still the heart monitor screamed so Jack immediately started compressions again. Tears stung his eyes as he wondered if anyone had done this for Harold. He wondered did Harold’s body look like Oliver’s? Shaking his head Jack forced Harold out of his head, he had to focus on Oliver. As much as he wanted to undo Harold’s fate, he couldn’t.
Stepping back again, Jack’s legs almost gave out in relief seeing the second shock brought Oliver back. Without realising while doing CPR, ortho surgeons had arrived and were there to whisk Oliver up to surgery.
Jack let his head drop forward, taking deep breaths, he saw his hands shaking and pulled them into fists. Parker, leaned close "You okay boss?" he nodded at her and tried to smile but going by the look on Parker's face he wasn't successful. Then he nodded at the rest of the team and left but took the back doors out of trauma two and heavily limped to the elevator and went to the roof. He had made sure to not go near the roof while Robby was gone, worried what might happen if he had a bad shift. But his head was buzzing, mixing Oliver and Harold together and he just needed his head to stop.
On reaching the roof, Jack limped to the railing, grasping it tightly. Then he leaned down to rest his forehead against the cool metal. Opening his eyes he could just about see the edge of the roof from where he was leaning, and his mind took him back to Harold. He wondered what his friend had thought as he stood on that bridge. Did he just want to stand there as Jack did with the hospital roof and just decide to jump? Or did he go with the plan to jump before? Kerry mentioned a note, so maybe it was planned. But while Jack often stood at the edge of the roof, he never planned to jump from it. There was a chance of survival and pain and leaving Robby to sit at the bedside of his broken body.
Without thinking about it, Jack leaned under the railing, his stethoscope clanking against the metal. Shuffling he got the closest to the edge of the roof as he had ever been. Toes in line with the lip of the roof and he just stared down. There was a faint breeze as he watched the people below, like ants entering and leaving the hospital. Shoving his hands into his pockets he leaned a bit more. Wondering if this was what Harold did. Wondering if at this point did Harold feel peace.
The slamming of the roof door shattered the silence. Jack closed his eyes wondering if it was Parker or Lena who had followed him up. “Jack.” The deep voice wasn’t Parker or Lena. But that couldn’t be right. Robby was somewhere in Canada right now. Jack’s shoulders shook as he scoffed bitterly. So, he really was losing his mind. He’d cracked. “Jack, can you take a step back? You’re scaring me.”
It was nice to know his mind could conjure up a believable fake-Robby. The voice was so soft and worried, it was as if it was real. So, Jack shuffled back a step. But he still leaned forward, stethoscope dangling.
Fake-Robby breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you.” Then Jack heard the sound of feet stepping forward. He had to talk to Pete at his next therapy session, apparently his brain didn’t only make this fake version of his husband sound believable, it created believable fake footsteps too. “You going to turn around brother? I’ve missed your face.”
“Should have taken a picture,” Jack retorted, his voice a quiet hoarse statement.
“Baby, can you come back to the railing? I can see you're compensating with your leg. Can you step back please?” Jack smiled bitterly, oh his brain was good. He could almost believe Robby was behind him. Could almost believe his husband was scared he would slip from the roof.
“I’m just wondering what made Harold jump,” he stated to fake-Robby. “Why the bridge? Was the river more inviting? Maybe he wanted something that we didn’t see in the desert. Lots of buildings there. No big bridges over rivers. I’ve wondered did he find peace standing at the edge or when he was falling?” Jack shrugged. “I know I’ll never get the answer. But I hope he wasn’t scared.”
“Jack. I want you to take a step back.” Fake-Robby's voice was firmer, it was a clear order now. But his voice still shook slightly with fear.
“I’m not going to jump,” Jack stated calmly to ease fake-Robby's worry. Jack hated worrying his husband, real or fake.
“Okay. But I’m still worried that your leg might give out.”
Jack sighed, but he did step back, he still faced the edge of the roof. But stumbled back until his back pressed against the railing. Immediately arms wrapped around his chest tightly, pulling him back against a firm chest. Jack gasped and twisted his neck to find Robby looking at him with wide eyes. “You’re…you’re here?”
Robby nodded, leaning his head down so his nose was buried in Jack’s curls. “I was worried about you. Then Dana called me last night. So, I moved my flight up.”
“Dana called you?!” Jack tried to pull himself out of Robby’s arms, but his husband refused to let him go. “I told her not to! I told her you still needed a break!” Then the word flight registered. “Flight? What about your bike?”
“I sold it,” Robby shrugged nonchalantly.
Jack gaped at his husband. “But you love that bike!”
“Couldn’t get it on a plane.”
“For fuck’s sake. This is why I told Dana not to call you,” Jack thunked his head against Robby’s shoulder and then stubbornly looked out at the view.
“Jack,” Robby said slowly, lowering his head to be in Jack’s peripheral. “I’d already sold my bike before Dana called. I moved my flight up. I was already planning on flying home. Yes, I loved the bike. But in my sessions with Caleb, I realised I used it as an escape. I avoided being at home with you to fix it up because I thought I needed a distraction. Then Caleb made me realise that I also used the bike to punish you when you joined SWAT. I saw how worried you were and I ignored that. Yes, the trip did me good. Getting out of Pittsburgh meant I wasn’t at risk of coming back to work early. But I shouldn’t have gone on the bike and I’m sorry for worrying you.”
For a moment Jack didn’t say anything. But his eyes began to sting with tears, and all Jack took from what Robby said was it was his fault. Robby left because of Jack. Because he joined SWAT. “I’m sorry,” mumbled Jack.
“What?” frowned Robby. “Jack, you didn’t do anything wrong!”
“I joined SWAT,” Jack continued, his voice dazed as everything he was worried about was confirmed. “You needed to leave because I was making it worse.”
“Nuh uh,” Robby shook his head and pulled Jack around, so they were facing each other, the metal railing still between them, digging into their chests. “You didn’t make me worse.” Robby stated firmly, bringing his hands up to rest on either side of Jack’s face. “My brain was lying to me. As your brain is clearly lying to you now.” Robby then tugged his arms gently and Jack let himself be guided under the railing until he was stood in front of Robby.
“I hurt you,” Jack mumbled his eyes looking at his feet. “I purposefully lost contact with Harold and the others, so I wasn’t there for him. I upset my dad so much he died-”
“Stop it,” Robby quietly ordered, his brown eyes filling with tears as he tilted Jack’s head up. “None of that is your fault. Pittfest was the breaking point for me. Not you. You fought as hard as you could to help me, despite your own struggles following Pittfest. You not having contact with Harold didn’t make him jump brother. Even if you talked to him every day there was not a guarantee you would stop him from jumping. And your dad?” Robby leaned forward to press a kiss against Jack’s forehead. “He had a heart attack. You didn’t cause it. He may have been working hard to pay for med school for you. But that doesn’t make what happened your fault.”
Jack shook his head. “My mom, lost her husband because-”
“Because he had a heart attack,” Robby interrupted firmly. “She doesn’t blame you. And you know how I know that? Because she told me. When we got married, she told me she knew you blamed yourself and that she never has. She loves you. I love you and you’ve never hurt us, Jack.”
Jack sobbed quietly as he leaned his head into the crook of Robby’s neck. “I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologising,” Robby chuckled wetly. He sniffled, “I love you. So, I care about you. So, I worry about you. That’s not something you need to apologise for.”
Jack sagged slightly in Robby’s hold, his residual limb screaming, but he held his feet together and pressed against Robby’s chest more. “I…I…Dana probably told you I wasn’t sleeping well. Nightmares. And…I’ve ended up in the bathtub again.”
Robby’s arms around him tightened briefly, and Jack heard and felt Robby’s shaky sigh. “I guessed as much when Dana said last night you looked like you were about to drop at the start of your shift.” Jack took a breath to speak but then Robby firmly talked over him. “And if you even try to apologise for that I will give your chocolate stash to Dana’s girls and make you watch them eat it.”
Jack snorted faintly. “Wow, no need for such violence.” But he nodded and leaned back to look at Robby. “I’ve been exhausted since I stopped the SWAT shifts.”
“You still seeing Pete?” Robby asked, his hands resting on Jack’s sides.
Jack nodded. “I am but I think I’m going to have to ask for more appointments. I’ve been saying I’m fine. But I don’t think I am.”
“The bathtub is a bit of a clue,” Robby said fondly, pressing a kiss against Jack's forehead.
Rolling his eyes Jack nodded with a faint smile, “yeah. I should have realised that.”
“You eating?” Robby asked as he cast his doctor gaze over Jack.
Jack shook his head, Robby’s eyes widened and his hands pressed over Jack’s ribs. “I’ve had smoothies,” Jack stated. “Figured they were better than nothing.” Robby nodded and breathed a sigh of relief and leaned down to kiss Jack. He relaxed at having his husband so close and despite being so happy to kiss his husband Jack felt more tears slip down his cheeks.
Robby pulled back from the kiss gently and rested his forehead against Jack’s. “Take some time off,” Robby said, eyes worried as he used his thumbs to brush away Jack’s tears. Then Robby pulled Jack tightly against his chest again, resting his chin on Jack’s head. “I’ve still got a month, and a half left of my sabbatical. We can stay home together or go somewhere together.”
“I can’t take a month and a half off Robby,” Jack murmured, his voice cracking, his face pressed into Robby’s chest as he fought off desperate tears. “The cover it would need. There’s no one to cover that much time.”
“Shhhh,” Robby soothed, running his hands through Jack’s hair. “You don’t need to take the month and a half off. But baby, you need to take some time. Even a week. You need time and space to breathe.”
Jack just nodded. Wordlessly they turned and started walking to the door, Jack almost stumbling as his leg began to give out. Robby threw Jack’s right arm over his shoulder and acted as a crutch. “Busy night,” Jack muttered as he cursed every few steps. “Not much chance to sit down.”
“Did you take chances though?” Robby asked. “When I walked in you were leaning against central before the patient came in.”
Stopping Jack looked at Robby. “Oh. You were the surprise Lena mentioned.”
“Yeah,” Robby smiled and then gently nudged Jack to carry on walking to the elevator. “And seeing you let Ellis take control told me you weren’t okay. It wasn’t a step back and let Ellis lead, you just handed over control. Made me glad I came home when I did.” Jack just nodded and leaned against Robby’s side as the elevator slowly descended down to the ER.
When the doors opened, Jack sucked in a deep breath and pushed away from Robby to hobble across the floor himself. “Jack,” Robby admonished from behind, but Jack shook his head. He didn’t want to be carried across the ER, so he limped across the ER heading for the lockers when Robby stopped him at central. Where Dana and Lena were waiting for them.
Lena leaned down and pulled Jack’s backpack up and handed it to Robby. “That was in my locked locker,” Jack grumbled.
Lena grinned. “We charge nurses know everything.”
“That’s not worrying at all,” Jack muttered glaring at her.
“And don’t you forget it,” Dana grinned with her teeth. “Also. You have the next two weeks off. So, go and I don’t want to see you until then.”
“What? Dana!” Jack spluttered trying to lean over the desk to see the printed-out schedule that was between her and Lena.
“Nope!” Lena pulled the schedule towards her.
“Come on Jack,” Robby wrapped an arm around his waist. “Let’s go home.”
Seeing he was outnumbered, Jack nodded and then winced as he pushed away from central. Dana and Lena looking at him with concern. He waved them off and limped towards the ambulance bay doors. Robby pressed close to his side.
After taking an Uber home, Jack started to limp towards the couch, but Robby dropped his backpack by the door and pulled Jack’s wheelchair out of the storage cabinet. Jack preferred using crutches around the house but kept a wheelchair for when the pain was bad. He didn’t fight Robby, because he could tell he was in for a bad pain day already.
Robby removed his prosthesis and liner. Before inspecting his residual limb. “No sores,” Robby stated. “But it looks red. No prosthesis for a few days.”
“Good thing I have two weeks off,” Jack tiredly stated as he looked down at Robby and ran his fingers through his husband’s hair.
Jack directed his chair to the bathroom, where he undressed and transferred himself to the shower bench, closing his eyes as the water beat down on him. Robby met him in the bathroom. “I’ve put a sandwich on your nightstand.” Jack just nodded, feeling his energy begin to fade. Robby undressed himself and joined Jack in the shower, kneeling in front of him. Usually this sight would excite Jack, but he was just too tired. Robby washed the both of them and then sat beside Jack on the bench for a few minutes, just taking in the closeness and sharing kisses under the water.
Once they were dried and lying in bed, Jack managed to eat his sandwich, but his eyes grew heavier and heavier. “Come on sweetheart,” Robby murmured as he took the plate from Jack’s hand, putting it with his own plate on his nightstand and pulled Jack down under the covers. “You need to rest.”
Jack just mumbled an agreement and snuggled in closely against Robby’s chest. He knew there was still therapy to be done. Robby was better but would still have to work with Caleb when he returned to work, and Jack needed to be more honest with himself and work with Pete to ensure he stopped ignoring his own feelings and let himself heal.
But right now, everything was perfect. Robby was home and Jack was snuggled against his husband with the prospect of two weeks off together. And with that thought Jack drifted into a peaceful sleep with a smile on his face and the press of Robby’s lips against his hair.