Archive of Our Own

While Robby had to finally admit his sabbatical did him some good getting away from Pittsburgh, stopping him from being tempted to go back to work too soon. He could also admit that leaving the way he did hurt Jack. Originally his plan on not coming back seemed good, finally he could rest. But during his zoom therapy sessions with Caleb, he had to confront the notion that really, he was just running away. That his brain tricked him into believing that he wasn’t good enough and didn’t deserve Jack. That Jack deserved better. That Jack was better off without him to worry about. That his brain had taken his fear over Jack moonlighting for SWAT and twisted it into anger and the idea of driving his motorcycle for his sabbatical was a way to get back at Jack.

The whole situation left Robby feeling ashamed.

Who did that to their spouse? Especially a spouse who had already lost so much.

That was the extra level of guilt Robby had to work through with Caleb. He had seen what the death of Jack’s father when he was in his first year of college had done to Jack. The guilt Jack carried over his father’s heart attack. He had seen how Jack came back changed from his first deployment, how he tried to hide the tormented parts of himself. He saw how grief had crippled Jack when Lizzie was killed by a drunk driver a mere two months after his first deployment. He watched as each subsequent deployment took something from Jack, until his fifth deployment ended early with his leg being amputated.

Each time Jack lost something he managed to fight back. And there was Robby, crumpling under the weight of his job and ready to be another person Jack lost.

Robby mentally shook himself; it was that thinking, that comparison which led to his worsening mental health in the first place. Putting himself last, comparing his suffering to Jack’s. He didn’t let Jack help him in the ten months after Pittfest because he thought Jack must think him weak, after everything Jack had survived, Robby’s suffering was insignificant.

But as he slowly got better, Robby realised Jack would never have thought that.

Some distant part of Robby’s brain before his sabbatical knew Jack was also struggling post-Pittfest. But he hadn’t said anything. Already running away.

But then he heard Jack’s voice during their phone call the night Jack had been informed someone he served with had died. Had jumped off a bridge. Robby had made plans as they talked, was ready to be home and go to the funeral with Jack. But Jack stopped him. Told him not to come home. It was then Robby fully understood that Jack was struggling. He hadn’t come home. Because he knew Jack wouldn’t take it well, would blame himself for Robby coming home early. So, Robby had called both Dana and Emery. Asked them to keep an eye on Jack for him.

He got daily reports and it was the same every time. Jack looked tired. Jack didn’t laugh anymore. Jack didn’t run his nightcrawler huddle. Jack didn’t go for dinner or breakfast with them.

Two days after the funeral Emery called him.

“How is he?” Robby asked, sat on the end of the bed in his motel room, staring at his bag.

Emery sighed. “Not great. Not bad like when he was first discharged or after Lizzie…but not good.”

“Like after his second deployment?” Robby asked. Jack never spoke about his second deployment; he barely talked about any of his deployments but usually would talk about someone he served with. But he never spoke about the second one.

“Yeah,” Emery agreed. “Withdrawn like he was then. Trying to make everyone think he is okay but isn’t.”

Robby sighed. After his second deployment Jack had been resistant to visit Pittsburgh, it had been Emery threatening to drive to where he was stationed and drag him back by his ear that had convinced Jack to spend his post-deployment leave in Pittsburgh. Robby, Emery and Dana had all seen how exhausted Jack was, saw how he forced himself to eat when they went out and saw how he fought to smile around them.

It was during that leave Robby finally kissed Jack. Promised Jack he didn’t care about hiding because of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, promised he didn’t mind waiting to live together until Jack left the army. He just wanted to be with Jack. It seemed realising he wouldn’t be alone, life had been breathed back into Jack.

“I’m coming home,” Robby stated. His eyes flicked to his bike parked up outside and knew he was going to sell it. He couldn’t afford the week it would take to drive back. He needed to be home sooner. He remembered the look on Jack’s face when he first kissed him, the disbelief someone could love him like that again, the disbelief that someone would stay. And he knew in the past few days Jack had started to think Robby was better off away from him. He knew Jack had started to avoid his phone calls in an attempt to not worry Robby, but all that did was convince Robby he was right to go home.

“Oh, thank God,” Emery sighed. “I am glad you are doing better. But you are the only one who can get past Jack’s bullshit excuses that he is fine. You are the only one he will listen to.”

Robby chuckled. “Comes from knowing him so long.”

“You forget I’ve known him almost as long,” Emery countered.

“Yes, but you were Lizzie’s teenage little sister when he first met you. When I met him, he was a desperate college student pestering me for textbooks,” Robby smiled fondly.

Robby had been a couple years ahead of Jack at college. They had met in the library, Jack trying to find second-hand medical textbooks because he couldn’t afford buy all the ones he needed brand new. Robby was the type of student who couldn’t sell or get rid of any textbook until he graduated in case he needed them again, so he struck up a deal with Jack. They would study together. Jack could borrow the textbooks he needed, and Robby got to keep the textbooks. It was those study sessions that solidified their friendship. Then Jack started to bring Lizzie who was a history major and would stare at their textbooks in horror. When Emery had met Jack and Robby for the first time, she had nicknamed the three of them the three Musketeers.

On ending the call with Emery, after making her promise not to tell Jack he was coming home. Robby looked up flights on his phone. Buying a ticket to travel home in four days’ time. Giving him enough time to travel to Calgary to sell his bike and get to the airport.

Two days before Robby was due to fly home, he was staying at a hotel at the airport when he got a call from Dana. He didn’t even get chance to say hello because Dana was already talking once the call connected.

“Jack looks ready to drop, and his shift is only just starting,” Dana’s tone was terse, clearly trying to hide her worry. In the background Robby could distantly hear the commotion that was normal in the ER, he strained his hearing just trying to get a glimpse of Jack’s voice. “The flu is going around,” Dana continued. “Jack has given up days off to work extra shifts and three days ago he worked a double shift. I was off that day so I couldn’t send him home. Shen called out sick today, so Jack is insisting on staying. I tried to send him home tonight, Robby. I almost convinced him to come home with me for dinner, but a heart attack patient came in.”

“Was he limping?” Robby asked as he stood up and started throwing clothes into his bag.

“No,” Dana commented. “But he looked uncomfortable, so he’ll probably start limping soon. I’m sorry I couldn’t get him to come home.”

“It’s not your fault Dana. I’m going to go into the airport and see if I can move my flight up,” Robby commented.

“Good,” Dana sighed in relief. “Honestly Robby I’m surprised he is still standing with how exhausted he looks.”

Robby closed his eyes, his stomach twisting. He couldn’t see Jack right now, but he could imagine what he looked like. Following his discharge from the army Jack had looked hollowed out for months and couldn’t sleep through the night.

“See you soon Dana,” Robby said. He hung up and once he grabbed his bag and went to check out of the hotel. He didn’t care how much it might cost him to move his flight up two days. Jack needed him now.

Sat on the plane, his legs uncomfortably folded into the economy seat Robby let his mind wander. His thoughts were consumed by Jack. The different versions of Jack he had known over the years. He first met Jack when his husband was eighteen, new to college and already shoulders weighed down with the knowledge that after graduating he would be serving in the army.

Jack had grown up in Pittsburgh, same as Robby, and a couple of times brought Robby home to meet his parents. On meeting Jack’s parents, it was easy to see that he looked like his mother, except his eyes, those were just like his father’s. Robby could see clearly how much the Abbots loved their only child and how heartbroken they were that they couldn’t afford med school for him. In halting conversations, whispered in study sessions, Jack confessed he knew he had broken his father’s heart in his senior year of high school. Jack signed a contract with the army, and it was the last thing his father ever wanted for him. Jack’s father had served in Vietnam and almost didn’t survive being home. Jack’s mother, Emily, had admitted years later once Jack and Robby were married that it was her getting pregnant with Jack which stopped her husband, Thomas, from doing anything permanent.

The last time Robby ever saw Thomas Abbot, he and the older man were quietly talking in the living room watching as Emily and Lizzie teased Jack in the kitchen. Robby had turned when Thomas gently grasped his arm, his hazel eyes wide. “When Jack comes back…” he trailed off looking over at his son. Robby had swallowed tightly, because he knew what Thomas meant. When Jack comes back from war, comes back from seeing terrible things. Robby didn’t want to imagine what might become of his best friend, hadn’t wanted to listen to Thomas. But he remained standing where he was and listened. Thomas turned back to him, his eyes full of unshed tears. “When Jack comes back. Please don’t let him drown.”

Robby had grasped Thomas Abbot’s arm and quietly but firmly said, “I promise.” To the clear relief of the older man.

A month later Thomas Abbot died of a heart attack. Leaving Jack convinced it was his fault. Some part of Robby often wondered if Jack’s father knew he wouldn’t be alive the day Jack returned from war the first time and wanted to ensure someone was there for Jack.

Sat in that cramped seat, Robby’s eyes stung as he thought back to that night in 2008. Jack had been home for four months. Discharged from Walter Reed and the army. Lost and in pain. Robby had used all his personal leave when Jack was newly discharged. But between himself and Emery, who refused to let go of her brother (despite Jack technically being her brother-in-law no more after Lizzie’s death in 2002), they were there for Jack. But a multi car pileup on the highway had him, Emery and Dana working late into the night.

Robby had been given the go-ahead by Adamson to go home at eleven and just as a med student asked for his advice, suddenly Robby felt sick and he just knew something was wrong with Jack. Adamson, mistaking this bad feeling for just being worried about Jack, talked to the med student himself and shooed Robby out the door. Robby had run back to their newly bought single storey house, almost banging the front door against the wall as he opened it.

On entering the house Robby found it too silent. Yes, Jack being asleep would mean no noise, but there was something eerie about this silence. Robby rushed through the house, heading to the back where their bedroom was with the ensuite. Entering their room Robby’s heart was in his throat on seeing their bed empty and the covers strewn over the side of the bed and the floor. Jack’s crutches were on the floor leading Robby to realise wherever Jack was, he had crawled there.

Robby stood, breathing heavily, panic starting to take over when he heard it. A faint splashing sound. He tried the doorknob of the ensuite to find it locked.

“Jack? Honey are you okay?” his voice shook despite his best effort. When there was no reply, Robby jiggled the doorknob again, this time barging the door with his shoulder. “Jack!”

When there was still no answer Robby put all his weight into the next shoulder barge and the door flung open, knocking against the wall. In a second Robby saw Jack, lying in the full bath, still wearing his shorts and t-shirt, just lowering his head under the water, up to his mouth.

“Jack!” Robby rushed forward and put his hands under Jack’s arms and pulled him out, shocked at feeling the cold water. Jack slid from the water limp and once they crashed to the floor, Robby encircled Jack in his arms, pressed tightly against his chest with Robby’s chin on his head.

“I’m sorry,” Jack sobbed, his face pressed into the crook of Robby’s neck. “I’m sorry Robby. I’m so sorry.”

Robby knew he was sobbing into Jack’s hair, ignoring his own scrubs getting wet from Jack in his arms. “I’m here. It’s alright. I’m here.” He ran a hand up and down Jack’s back, trying to soothe both of them.

“I’m sorry,” Jack repeated, his voice cracking. “I just wanted my head to stop. I had a nightmare and I just wanted it all to stop.”

Jack continued to sob, apologising. Robby gently rocked him from side to side, fighting his own apologies. As he held Jack tightly against his chest, he recalled his promise to Thomas Abbot. He had promised he wouldn’t let Jack drown. And he almost failed.

They didn’t know how long they were huddled on the bathroom floor. But once they had calmed down, Robby had pulled the plug in the bath and got them both dry and a change of clothes. Neither of them got much sleep that night. As the night dragged on, they lay on their sides clutching at each other desperately. Then when Jack was roused from sleep from another nightmare, he saw Robby was still awake and pushed at Robby until Robby was lying flat on his back, then Jack lay his head down heavily on Robby’s chest.

“I’m sorry,” Jack mumbled, one hand clutching at Robby’s t-shirt. “I understand if I’m too much.”

“No Jack,” Robby instantly refuted, his arms wrapping around Jack tightly. He kissed the top of Jack’s head, burying his nose in Jack’s curls. “Don’t say that.”

“But I’m exhausting you.” Jack whispered, voice cracking. “You’re working all day and then baby-sitting me at night.”

“I am not baby-sitting you,” Robby argued firmly. “I love you and I want to take care of you.”

Jack scoffed, looking down Robby could see Jack’s eyes were tearing up again. “All you’ve done since we met was take care of me. And I’ve done nothing for you.”

“That is not true,” Robby croaked, gently grasping Jack’s curls with one hand. “You have loved me. And you were there for me when Bubbe passed. You make me so happy Jack. You are not a burden. If the law was different, I would marry you tomorrow.” Jack quietly sobbed as he curled against Robby’s chest more. “I love you, Jack.”

“I love you too, Robby,” Jack murmured.

The next morning, Jack insisted on finding a therapist, his eyes filled with guilt. Rather than wait for the VA, where waiting could mean it was too late for Jack, Robby called in a favour with Caleb and asked for private recommendations. Between Robby’s attending salary and Jack’s pension, they were not short on money and Robby was dammed if he was going to risk Jack’s life again. That was how Jack met Pete and slowly, with therapy and meds, Jack got better.

Looking out into the night sky from the small window of the plane, Robby twisted his wedding ring around his finger. Dana and Emery in their check-ins had said Jack hadn’t been on the roof in the six weeks Robby had been away. Despite Jack’s habit of standing on the hospital roof, Robby knew he was never going to jump. There was a calmness when Jack stood there. For too long he had functioned in the army in times of extreme stress, his body always seemed to calm down when he was stressed. So, standing on the roof’s edge was Jack’s way of self-soothing. If Jack didn’t feel safe standing on the roof with no Robby to start handover there. It led Robby to wonder what state his husband was in.

Nightmares and flashbacks used to drive Jack into finding cover from a threat his mind insisted was there. That cover was the bathtub. Jack would have bruises from lying on the porcelain. So, Robby had started leaving pillows and blankets for him. Now Robby worried that Jack’s mind was driving him back to the bathtub and no one was there to put pillows and blankets there for him. His heart broke again at the thought of Jack struggling and not asking for help because he didn’t think he deserved it, because he thought he was a burden.

Robby was still shaking the stiffness out of his limbs as he got out of the Uber and walked towards the ambulance bay. Almost seven hours flying in a cramped seat, three of those hours as a layover in an uncomfortable gate seat was not how Robby wanted to spend the night. Exhaustion stung his eyes, but as he walked through the ambulance bay, he felt a surge of energy knowing he was finally going to see Jack for the first time in six weeks.

He paused for a moment, bag slung over his shoulder. A moment of fear pulsed and he pushed it down. He loved being a doctor but hated what his job had done to him. Robby shook his head, that was something to deal with in his next session with Caleb. Right now, he was here to take Jack home. Checking the time, there was still forty-five minutes left of Jack’s shift, but he was sure the ER would cope without him for that time.

Taking a deep breath and nodding to paramedics he passed and the guys in the security office. Robby cast his eyes around and found Jack stood in front of the central desk. Well, standing was generous. Jack was clearly leaning against the desk, and Lena was glaring at him as if she was tempted to forcefully make Jack sit down, telling Robby that his husband hadn’t sat down much during his shift. He took in Jack’s ruffled curls and smiled at the sight; he always loved starting his shifts to see his husband’s curls in disarray.

As Robby started to walk across the space, his heart lightening at the proximity to Jack. When the rattling of a stretcher had Robby turning slightly to get out of the way of the paramedics. He caught Lena giving a pitying look to Jack before he winced watching as Jack pushed himself off the central desk with visible effort while grabbing some gloves and began limping around the desk already heading in the direction of the trauma bays, meaning he didn’t see Robby stepping closer.

Lena looked past Jack and perked up with a smile. “Well, this is a good surprise!” she said. Robby frowned seeing that Jack didn’t turn around to see what was happening and instead walked into trauma two.

“It was time to come home,” Robby smiled at Lena as he put his bag down behind the desk and walked closer to trauma two. He watched as Jack was standing at the foot of the gurney after the paramedics left. Jack directed Henderson to the airway and Ellis to do the primary exam, letting her take control of the patient and treatment surprising Robby. He just stood there and watched as Jack was visibly struggling with focusing, constantly shifting his weight and wincing telling Robby how badly his leg was hurting. As Jack limped across the bay towards the foam splints, Robby could see the dark circles under Jack’s eyes which were only made worse by how pale he was.

“He hasn’t sat down once the whole shift,” Lena commented as she came to stand beside Robby. They didn’t look at each other, just looked through the glass as Jack continued to limp back to the patient.

“Has he done that for the past six weeks?” Robby asked quietly, dreading the answer.

“No. Just tonight,” Lena answered. “But he has looked tired. He’s looked worse since the funeral last week.”

Before Robby could say anything else the alarms shrieked as the patient went into flatline just as Jack was putting on the second foam splint. Robby flinched and just managed to force himself to not go running into the trauma bay to lead the code. He was on sabbatical and so couldn’t treat any patient, he just had to stand there and watch as Jack began CPR.

Watching as Jack just focused on CPR, putting continuous stress on his leg made Robby wince. But he was more worried about Jack not running the code, not giving out orders, just letting Ellis take over. Robby knew Ellis was more than capable, she was close to finishing her residency and not only that, but she was Jack’s resident. Jack had been mentoring her since she was a med student who discovered she loved the ER night shift. But usually, Jack would be stood back watching, ready to step in if needed and would have given verbal control of the code to Ellis. Jack wouldn’t just start CPR and practically ignore the rest of the room.

Robby watched as Jack stepped back and saw the shock did nothing, so Jack immediately restarted CPR, his right leg giving slightly which told Robby how much pain Jack was in. While Jack continued, ortho surgeons rushed into the room and waited. Eventually a second shock brought the patient back. And Jack’s legs almost gave out. Ellis reached out but Jack steadied himself before she could help as the ortho surgeons took the patient.

Jack’s head dropped forward, clearly taking deep breaths. Robby saw Jack’s hands shaking and watched as his husband pulled them into fists. Ellis leaned close to Jack, Robby unable to hear what she said. But Jack nodded at her and tried to smile but both Robby and Ellis saw the grimace behind the fake smile. Then Jack nodded at the rest of the team and left but took the back doors out of trauma two and heavily limped to what Robby guessed was the elevator.

Ellis looked like she was about to follow Jack and as Robby stepped into the trauma bay, she sighed in relief. “Good to see you, Robby.”

“And you Ellis,” Robby smiled as he walked through the bay. He nodded at her, “don’t worry. I’ve got him.”

On reaching the elevator he saw it was travelling up, so Robby turned and took the stairs two at a time. Unable to wait for the elevator to make two trips, he just needed to see and speak to Jack. He just needed to hold his husband now.

Robby pushed through the roof access door with more force than needed, but as he stepped out, he saw Jack. He could see Jack’s toes were in line with the lip of the roof and he was leaning forward staring down as his hands were shoved into his pockets. Panic surged through Robby; this was the closet he had ever seen Jack to the edge of the roof and what scared him was he couldn’t read Jack’s expression. “Jack,” he called out. Jack didn’t respond, he just watched as Jack’s shoulders shook slightly as if he was trying to shrug. “Jack, can you take a step back? You’re scaring me,” he kept his voice soft, trying not to spook Jack. He wanted desperately to reach out and pull Jack back himself but knew that could make things worse.

Jack didn’t say anything or turn towards him. But Jack did shuffle back a step, but still leaned forward, his stethoscope dangling.

Robby breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you.” Knowing Jack was responding to him, Robby stepped closer, so he was leaning against the railing, the cool metal digging into his chest. “You going to turn around brother? I’ve missed your face.”

“Should have taken a picture,” Jack retorted, his voice a quiet hoarse statement. Robby almost smiled, it was such a Jack comment to make.

But fear still twisted his stomach. Jack was leaning, his right leg obviously hurting and Robby still wasn’t sure if Jack was seriously considering jumping. “Baby, can you come back to the railing? I can see you're compensating with your leg. Can you step back please?” Robby tried to keep his voice even, but he knew he sounded scared.

“I’m just wondering what made Harold jump,” Jack stated blankly. With a lurch Robby realised Jack was talking about his friend he served with, whose funeral he went to last week. “Why the bridge? Was the river more inviting? Maybe he wanted something that we didn’t see in the desert. Lots of buildings there. No big bridges over rivers. I’ve wondered did he find peace standing at the edge or when he was falling?” Jack shrugged, still looking out at the view of Pittsburgh waking up. “I know I’ll never get the answer. But I hope he wasn’t scared.”

“Jack. I want you to take a step back.” Robby made sure his voice was firmer, but his voice still shook slightly with fear. He just stared at his husband’s back. Please step back, please step back, he repeated in his head. Wondering if he had to risk it and just pull Jack back by the collar of his scrub top.

“I’m not going to jump,” Jack stated calmly, which didn’t soothe Robby. He would only be calmer once Jack was away from the edge of the roof.

“Okay. But I’m still worried that your leg might give out,” Robby stated. He was just about sure that Jack didn’t intent to jump, but the way he was compensating with his leg, Robby was petrified he was going to watch his husband slip from the roof.

Just as Robby thought fuck it, to himself and was about to go under the railing to haul Jack back. Jack sighed but did step back. He still faced the edge of the roof. But stumbled back until his back pressed against the railing. Immediately Robby wrapped his arms around Jack’s chest tightly, pulling him back against his own chest, the railing digging into Jack’s back and Robby’s chest. Robby took a deep breath, trying to slow his heart rate back down with his husband safe in his arms.

Robby knew he was looking at his husband with wide eyes but couldn’t look away. Jack gasped and twisted his neck to look at him, his eyes wide with disbelief as if couldn’t believe Robby was there. “You’re…you’re here?”

Robby nodded, leaning his head down so his nose was buried in Jack’s curls, taking comfort from the familiar smell of his shampoo and ignored the railing still digging into his chest. “I was worried about you. Then Dana called me last night. So, I moved my flight up.”

“Dana called you?!” Jack tried to pull himself out of Robby’s arms, but Robby tightened his grip and refused to let him go, terrified still of Jack accidentally slipping from the roof. “I told her not to! I told her you still needed a break!” Then Jack paused, before exclaiming. “Flight? What about your bike?”

“I sold it,” Robby shrugged nonchalantly. Staring at his husband’s face, taking in his exhaustion, disbelief and shock.

Jack gaped at him. “But you love that bike!”

“Couldn’t get it on a plane,” Robby stated. He couldn’t understand Jack’s fixation on the bike at first but then he started to understand. Jack thought Robby deserved the bike more than him, Jack really thought Robby would stay away from his husband longer to be able to keep the bike.

“For fuck’s sake. This is why I told Dana not to call you,” Jack thunked his head against Robby’s shoulder and then stubbornly looked out at the view. Robby smiled softly, how he had missed his stubborn husband.

“Jack,” Robby said slowly, lowering his head to be in Jack’s peripheral, wanting his husband to understand. “I’d already sold my bike before Dana called. I moved my flight up. I was already planning on flying home. Yes, I loved the bike. But in my sessions with Caleb, I realised I used it as an escape. I avoided being at home with you to fix it up because I thought I needed a distraction. Then Caleb made me realise that I also used the bike to punish you when you joined SWAT. I saw how worried you were and I ignored that. Yes, the trip did me good. Getting out of Pittsburgh meant I wasn’t at risk of coming back to work early. But I shouldn’t have gone on the bike and I’m sorry for worrying you.”

For a moment Jack didn’t say anything. But his eyes began to fill with tears, “I’m sorry,” mumbled Jack.

“What?” frowned Robby. “Jack, you didn’t do anything wrong!”

“I joined SWAT,” Jack continued, his voice dazed as he turned slightly away from Robby. “You needed to leave because I was making it worse.”

“Nuh uh,” Robby shook his head and pulled Jack around, so they were facing each other, the metal railing still between them, digging into their chests. “You didn’t make me worse.” Robby stated firmly, bringing his hands up to rest on either side of Jack’s face, staring into his hazel eyes. “My brain was lying to me. As your brain is clearly lying to you now.” Robby then tugged Jack’s arms gently and guided his husband under the railing until he was stood in front of Robby.

“I hurt you,” Jack mumbled his eyes looking at his feet, breaking Robby’s heart in the process. “I purposefully lost contact with Harold and the others, so I wasn’t there for him. I upset my dad so much he died-”

“Stop it,” Robby quietly ordered, he felt his eyes filling with tears as he tilted Jack’s head up. He couldn’t listen to Jack blame himself for anything that wasn’t his fault. “None of that is your fault. Pittfest was the breaking point for me. Not you. You fought as hard as you could to help me, despite your own struggles following Pittfest. You not having contact with Harold didn’t make him jump brother. Even if you talked to him every day there was not a guarantee you would stop him from jumping. And your dad?” Robby leaned forward to press a kiss against Jack’s forehead. “He had a heart attack. You didn’t cause it. He may have been working hard to pay for med school for you. But that doesn’t make what happened your fault.”

Jack shook his head. “My mom, lost her husband because-”

“Because he had a heart attack,” Robby interrupted firmly, needing Jack to understand no one blamed him except himself. “She doesn’t blame you. And you know how I know that? Because she told me. When we got married, she told me she knew you blamed yourself and that she never has. She loves you. I love you and you’ve never hurt us, Jack.”

Jack sobbed quietly as he leaned his head into the crook of Robby’s neck. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologising,” Robby chuckled wetly, soaking in the weight of his husband against him. He sniffled, “I love you. So, I care about you. So, I worry about you. That’s not something you need to apologise for.”

Jack sagged slightly in Robby’s hold and pressed himself against Robby’s chest more. “I…I…Dana probably told you I wasn’t sleeping well. Nightmares. And…I’ve ended up in the bathtub again.”

Robby tightened his arms briefly and let out a shaky sigh as his worries about his husband were confirmed. “I guessed as much when Dana said last night you looked like you were about to drop at the start of your shift.” Jack took a breath to speak but then Robby firmly talked over him, knowing exactly what Jack was about to say. “And if you even try to apologise for that I will give your chocolate stash to Dana’s girls and make you watch them eat it.”

Jack snorted faintly. “Wow, no need for such violence.” But he nodded and leaned back to look at Robby. “I’ve been exhausted since I stopped the SWAT shifts.”

“You still seeing Pete?” Robby asked, his hands resting on Jack’s sides, needing to feel his husband. Needing to know Jack was still stood in front of him.

Jack nodded. “I am but I think I’m going to have to ask for more appointments. I’ve been saying I’m fine. But I don’t think I am.”

“The bathtub is a bit of a clue,” Robby said fondly, pressing a kiss against Jack's forehead. Thankful that Jack had also realised he to help himself.

Rolling his eyes Jack nodded with a faint smile, “yeah. I should have realised that.”

“You eating?” Robby asked as he cast his doctor gaze over Jack. His husband looked slightly wan, but he wasn’t sure if that was not eating or not sleeping enough.

Jack shook his head, Robby’s eyes widened and he pressed his hands over Jack’s ribs, trying to work out if Jack had lost too much weight. But then Jack stated, “I’ve had smoothies. Figured they were better than nothing.” Robby nodded as he breathed a sigh of relief. Knowing that with time, Jack was going to be okay again. He then leaned down slightly to press a firm kiss against Jack’s lips, soaking in the closeness for the first time in six weeks.

Robby pulled back from the kiss gently and rested his forehead against Jack’s, not wanting to go far. “Take some time off,” Robby said, he knew he wasn’t hiding his worry, almost sounded like he was begging. Robby watched as tears remained on Jack’s face and used his thumbs to brush away Jack’s tears. Then Robby pulled Jack tightly against his chest again, resting his chin on Jack’s head. “I’ve still got a month, and a half left of my sabbatical. We can stay home together or go somewhere together.”

“I can’t take a month and a half off Robby,” Jack murmured, his voice cracking, his face pressed into Robby’s chest as he fought off desperate tears. “The cover it would need. There’s no one to cover that much time.” Robby’s heart twisted at the desperation. Jack needed a break, it seemed Jack knew that but still put himself last in order to try and help others. It was something Robby equally admired about his husband and also despaired at.

“Shhhh,” Robby soothed, running his hands through Jack’s hair. “You don’t need to take the month and a half off. But baby, you need to take some time. Even a week. You need time and space to breathe.”

Jack just nodded. Wordlessly they turned and started walking to the door, Jack almost stumbling as his leg began to give out. Robby threw Jack’s right arm over his shoulders and acted as a crutch. “Busy night,” Jack muttered as he cursed every few steps. “Not much chance to sit down.”

“Did you take chances though?” Robby asked, recalling the image of Jack leaning against the central desk and Lena’s worried look. “When I walked in you were leaning against central before the patient came in.”

Stopping Jack looked at Robby. “Oh. You were the surprise Lena mentioned.”

“Yeah,” Robby smiled and then gently nudged Jack to carry on walking to the elevator. “And seeing you let Ellis take control told me you weren’t okay. It wasn’t a step back and let Ellis lead, you just handed over control. Made me glad I came home when I did.” Jack just nodded and leaned against Robby’s side as the elevator slowly descended down to the ER, Robby clutching Jack against him.

Then they went home. Robby thankful for the angels that were Dana and Lena who changed the schedule so Jack could get two weeks off.

They had spent the rest of the day Robby came home curled up in their bed. Jack sleeping because of his night shift schedule and Robby also slept because of not getting any sleep on the flight home. Occasionally Jack muttered and tossed and turned as a nightmare begun. Robby woke and was able to soothe his husband before Jack was totally at the mercy of the nightmare.

At dinner time, they got out of bed. Jack transitioning himself into his wheelchair, knowing he needed to give his residual limb a break from his prosthesis for a couple of days. After looking in the fridge and seeing it full of only shop bought smoothies, Robby decided to order them a pizza to share. After he hung up the phone and turned away from the fridge, he found Jack starting to curl into himself, embarrassment and shame etched into his face.

“Hey,” Robby murmured as he came to kneel in front of Jack. He rested one hand on the side of Jack’s face and the other hand in his curls. “Nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Jack scoffed, his lips twisting bitterly. “Couldn’t take care of myself. Was so bad I worried you, Dana and Emery. You planned to come back early. I couldn’t even feed myself.”

“Listen to me,” Robby said firmly, meeting Jack’s despondent gaze stubbornly. “You’re still here. That is the most important thing to me. You still went to see Pete and while you weren’t eating food. Smoothies are better than nothing. You held on alone when you needed help. Now I’m here you don’t need to hold on alone anymore.”

“Robby,” Jack shook his head, his face creasing as if he was trying to fight back tears.

“Hey,” Robby said again, soft. When Jack still didn’t look at him, Robby stood and then carefully sat in Jack’s lap, his legs hooking over the wheels to dangle at the back of the chair.

“Robby!” Jack exclaimed his hands hastily coming to rest on Robby’s hips to stop him tipping backwards and off the chair.

“Good you’re looking at me now,” Robby teased, smirking at Jack’s incredulous expression. He leaned forward until his forehead pressed against Jack’s. “Now listen to me. I am going to tell you something you told me when I was struggling after Bubbe passed. There is no shame in struggling. There is no shame in needing help or support. The people who love you will support you. You do not need to earn their love or support; they offer it freely. And I am here Jack Abbot because I love you and I am selfish.”

“Selfish?” Jack asked, his voice choked up as tears filled his eyes.

Robby caressed his face and nodded. “Selfish,” he confirmed. Robby then kissed Jack briefly before twisting a hand in Jack’s curls. “I am selfish because I intend to keep you with me for at least another four decades.”

“At least?” Jack chuckled wetly. “I’ll be ninety years old!”

Robby shrugged. “Okay. Five decades.” Jack leaned his head back as he laughed. They stared at each other for a moment, and then Robby said. “I will never know everything you have been through. But I know I have nearly lost you more than the two times I know of.” He coughed to clear his throat, pushing the memories of finding Jack in the full bathtub and getting the call Jack was wounded out of his head, Emery beside him as he sobbed into his hands petrified that he was going to lose Jack before they could even live together as partners. “But you’re still here and I intend to keep you as long as I can.”

Jack smiled softly at him and raised one hand to brush the hair falling into Robby’s face to the side. “Would have thought you would have been sick of me already.”

“Baby. If I didn’t get sick of you knocking on my dorm room door asking for a textbook at one in the morning that could have waited for a more acceptable time. Then I am not getting sick of you now we are married.”

“Well,” Jack smirked. “I did suggest being roommates. Would have meant I wouldn’t have woken you up in the middle of the night that time.”

Robby rolled his eyes. “That time? That happened at least twenty times over our shared time at med school.”

“What can I say?” shrugged Jack smiling innocently. “I was always built for the night shift.” Robby chuckled and kissed Jack, unable to resist.

Jack then wheeled his chair back and forwards slightly, as if he was dancing with Robby. Looking at each other and smiling, they ignored their slight aches from the position just glad to be close together. Suddenly, Jack turned them sharply, nearly throwing Robby from the chair.

“For fuck’s sake,” Robby grunted as he clutched Jack’s shoulders, continuing to curse as his husband laughed in his face. “Seriously?” Robby growled as he leaned back to find Jack smirking at him.

“Come on,” Jack said as he slowly turned and wheeled them towards the couch. “The pizza will be here soon, and I don’t think you want to answer the door like this.”

Jack stopped his wheelchair in front of the couch, so he was facing it. Allowing Robby to shuffle backwards until he was sat on the couch, groaning a little at the aches in his legs. He ignored Jack’s smirk and then stood up, stretching his limbs as he walked back to the kitchen to get them each a drink. At that moment there was a knock at the door, and he heard Jack’s chair as he went to the front door.

“Hey Doctor A!” greeted the voice of the teenage boy who usually delivered their pizza.

“Hey Danny,” Jack greeted. “Happy to be a senior in high school now?” Robby smiled as he walked back into the living room to put their drinks on the coffee table.

“You know it!” laughed Danny. “Not long before college now! Enjoy your pizza!”

“Thanks Danny,” Jack smiled before he shut the door and with the pizza box on his lap he turned back for the couch.

Robby took the pizza box from Jack, then Jack transferred himself onto the couch. They sat watching a nature documentary as they ate. Once the pizza was gone, Jack was clearly getting sleepy again. Robby knew one pizza and one day sleeping were not going to fix everything quickly, but it was a step in the right direction. Yawning himself, Robby got up to dispose of the pizza box and when he came back Jack was in his wheelchair again.

“Sleep?” Jack asked, his voice thick with fatigue.

“Yep,” Robby nodded and together they headed back to bed.

It didn’t take long for Jack to go to sleep, but Robby found himself tossing and turning. Worrying about Jack, worrying about himself and getting himself better, worrying about what his sabbatical did to Jack. He didn’t know how long this continued for until Jack’s groggy voice interrupted his spiral.

“Stop worrying,” Jack commanded.

Robby turned over to face his husband. “Sorry,” he whispered.

“If I can’t apologise. Neither can you.” Jack then turned so he was on his back and then pulled Robby until he was lying over Jack’s chest with Jack’s hands running through his hair. “We’ll be alright,” Jack sleepily promised.

With Jack’s hands in his hair, Jack’s heartbeat under his ear and just having Jack’s arms around him, Robby found himself slipping into sleep very quickly.

The next morning, they got up slowly. Then as Robby went about sorting his laundry from his trip, Jack text Dana and Emery to let them know he was alright. And invited the two of them for dinner next week, Emery’s husband was unable to attend but Emery said he had promised to buy the beer for Emery to bring.

Robby was putting his clothes away in their bedroom while Jack was in the bathroom finishing up shaving. When a car drove past their house that backfired. Robby jumped at the noise, but he heard Jack’s crutches clatter to the tiled bathroom floor, and he closed his eyes for a moment, just wondering when his husband was going to get a bit of peace.

Stepping into the bathroom, Robby’s heart broke seeing Jack pull his legs into the bath, his hands pressed against his ears with his eyes clenched shut. Kneeling next to the bath, not touching Jack yet Robby softly spoke. “I’m here Jack. We’re at home in Pittsburgh. We’re in the bathroom.”

“I know,” Jack gritted out from between clenched teeth. “I know where I am. But my mind is tricking me into thinking I’m back in the desert. I know it’s not real, but I can feel sand in my hair.”

Robby nodded, understanding it was one of the instances where Jack was stuck between two places. Sometimes these could be the hardest flashbacks to deal with. If Jack totally believed he was in the desert, Robby could ground him and walk him back to the present. Stuck in between, Jack was fighting his own mind and while Robby could walk him back to the present, Jack could slip again at a moment’s notice.

“What can I do to help?”

“Can you hold my hand?” Jack asked, his voice still tight. His body tensed as if he was waiting for the next hit.

Instantly Robby reached out a hand and gently clasped one of Jack’s and pulled his husband’s hand away from his ear. He then rubbed his thumb over the back of Jack’s hand. “It’s okay,” he soothed.

Jack scoffed and his face twisted in pain. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

“What?” Robby asked, watching as Jack curled his legs up.

“Phantom pain,” Jack gasped out, wincing every time he took a breath.

With his free hand Robby reached into the bath and began to massage Jack’s residual limb. Starting from his thigh and working his way down, then he worked his way back up. He only stopped when Jack seemed to relax a little. “Do you want your pain meds?”

Jack nodded, sweat having broken out across his face. Robby kissed his forehead before he was able to stretch to the cupboard under the sink and grabbed Jack’s pain meds and a glass they kept there for this situation. With the grip Jack held his hand with, Robby knew he couldn’t let go of Jack’s hand to fill the glass up at the sink, so he shuffled over and managed to fill the glass from the bath tap without getting Jack wet. Then he helped Jack sit up to take the pill.

“Welcome home,” Jack muttered with a self-deprecating smile.

Robby sighed and shook his head and then took the glass back putting it on the floor. “When are you going to get it through your thick skull that I don’t care about looking after you?”

“You might need to remind me a few more times,” Jack shrugged. Then Jack kissed him and then said, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Robby smiled. Seeing Jack was more settled he helped Jack more upright and helped him out of the bath. “Bed or couch?”

“Bed,” Jack sighed. “Don’t want to risk moving too much and I can stretch out better on the bed.” Robby nodded and ignoring Jack’s fallen crutches he helped Jack back to their bed and stretched out beside his husband.

“It will be alright,” Robby promised as he ran a hand through Jack’s curls.

Jack smiled and patted Robby’s free hand. “I know. We’ve done this before. And I was in a darker place then.” Robby nodded, thankful that Jack was still here. “But don’t forget to look after yourself,” Jack firmly stated.

“I won’t,” Robby promised softly, smiling as Jack drifted into sleep. And he wouldn’t. He had almost dropped from exhaustion when Jack first came home in 2008 and since covid and Pittfest he had pushed his own needs to the side and then hit rock bottom. He couldn’t let that happen again and he knew now from talking with Caleb that he couldn’t let that happen for his own sake, not just Jack’s.

Three days later, Jack had gone for a therapy session with Pete and Robby had stayed home. While home he had his scheduled zoom session with Caleb and they talked about how nervous Robby had been to step back into PTMC and so they decided that soon Robby needed to try coming into the hospital for one of his sessions to see how he coped when not focusing on getting Jack to come home.

He then spent some time tidying their backyard and when he came back into the house for a drink, he found Jack stood in the kitchen, hands braised on the counter staring down at something on the counter. “Jack?” he asked, stepping closer he found Jack was staring at a bottle of pills.

Jack turned with a defeated look in his eye. “Pete felt I should go back on my meds from before to help. So, I phone my psychiatrist at the VA and she had a cancellation. She agreed with Pete and so prescribed me my meds again.”

“Wow. The VA doing things quickly,” Robby tried to joke. But Jack just grimaced at him and then with a sigh turned back to staring at the pill bottle on the counter. “Hey,” Robby said softly, stepping behind Jack and wrapping his arms around Jack’s waist, pulling Jack back so his back was pressed against Robby’s chest. “It’s okay. We know how this goes. You know Caleb has even prescribed me some pills so there’s no shame in this.”

“But I got better,” Jack mumbled frustratingly, and shook the pill bottle in annoyance before forcefully putting it back on the counter. “I took these pills from 2008 until 2014 when I took a lower dose for a year and then came off them. Seeing Pete kept me on an even keel. I was better.”

Robby closed his eyes, understanding Jack was using this as another reason to beat himself up. Another reason to prove he was a burden. “It will be okay,” he reinforced.

“Yeah,” Jack snorted bitterly, his hands closing into fists against the counter. “Because I’ve got the pills again. Guess I’m no good at being okay without them.”

“Nope,” Robby said firmly as he used his hands to removed Jack’s grip of the counter and turned his husband to face him. “What did you just say to me two days ago when I was annoyed at Caleb telling me that being prescribed some pills is the best way forward for me?” Jack remained stubbornly silent. “Okay. I’ll remind you then,” Robby snarked at his husband. “You told me it wasn’t a failure and that getting some extra help on top of therapy isn’t a bad thing. So, why are you acting like this is a failure?”

“Because I’ve already been on them!” Jack exclaimed, anger and hurt flashing in his eyes. “Because I got better! You need pills now, but one day you’ll be better and you won’t need them anymore!” Jack gripped his curls tightly and growled in frustration. “But I am just incapable of looking after myself. I just continuingly fuck up.”

“No, you don’t!” Robby argued, ready to defend his husband even against himself.

“Yeah, I do Robby,” Jack said, voice cracking. “We both know it. My last two deployments are an example. I didn’t need to go. I served the time needed to pay the army back for med school but still I volunteered to go back!”

Robby’s heart clenched. “You went back because the war was still going on and you couldn’t leave the men and women you served with behind. I understood that. I respected that.”

“But I still hurt you!” Jack countered angrily. “Because of me we continued to hide our relationship for another three years. Because of me going back and getting wounded, you ended up caring for me for months. You lived life terrified I was going to do something permanent because I couldn’t take care of myself.” Jack shook his head as he rubbed a hand across his face. “Sometimes I-” Jack stopped himself and stared at Robby with wide eyes, shocked at himself for what he was about to say.

“Go on. Say it.” Robby said quietly, feeling sick.

Jack looked back sadly and then whispered, “sometimes I felt like it would have been better if I had just bled out in the desert.”

They looked at each other silently, Robby’s heart broke hearing the words he always suspected Jack wanted to say back when he was first discharged. Without saying a word, he grabbed Jack’s wrist and pulled him to the hallway that came off the living room that went towards the back patio doors and their bedroom. He stopped halfway and pointed at the framed photograph hanging on the wall from their wedding. They were both in suits and smiling at the camera. It was 2015, a month after they were legally able to marry, and Jack’s hair just had a few greys, still mostly auburn at the time.

“If you had bled out. What about me?” Robby asked, pointing to himself in the photograph, how he had one arm around Jack’s shoulders and leaning against his husband. “What would I have done?” Jack stared at the photograph for a moment before opening his mouth, but Robby held up a hand to stop him. “And don’t say ‘find someone better’. There is no better for me. I wasn’t in love with you in college, but I loved you as you love family. Because you and Lizzie were my family. Any relationship I had, didn’t last long because they were not the right person. But when I realised during your second deployment that I was in love with you. There was no one else for me. Yes, it would have been easier to love someone else. But I didn’t want easy. I wanted you.”

Robby then pointed at the photograph next to their wedding picture. It was a photograph of them with Dana and Emery. The four of them sat on the wall outside the ambulance bay laughing at something Robby had long forgotten. It was taken six months after Jack started working at PTMC.

“What about Dana? She would have lost one of her best friends. She would have lost her only best friend willing to indulge watching the shitty reality tv shows she pretends she doesn’t like with her. And Emery? She would have lost her brother, her last sibling. What about your mom? She already buried your father young; you really think it would have been better for her to bury you young as well? And Lizzie?” Jack sucked in a breath and Robby smiled through his own stab of grief. “You and I both know she would have kicked your ass for the rest of eternity if you had bled out in the desert.” Jack stared at Robby, his eyes glistening with tears. Robby sniffled himself as he rested his hands on Jack’s shoulders.

“So, what if you need to take the pills again? If they keep you here, I’m all for it. Because if you need them, you are taking them. I never want to come so close to losing you as I did that night in the bathroom. I need you,” Robby swallowed back a sob. “And I also have no intention of breaking my promise to your dad.”

“What?” Jack flinched in surprise. “What promise?”

Robby smiled sadly, reaching up to brush a thumb across Jack’s cheek. “The last time I saw him. He looked at you and pleaded with me, that when you came back from the army. To not let you drown.” Robby coughed as some tears slipped down his cheeks. “I came close to breaking that promise once. I am never getting that close again. So, you need to accept you need the pills again and fucking take them, so I do not bury my husband four to five decades ahead of schedule.”

Jack chuckled wetly and reached out to gently brush Robby’s tears away. “We can be pill buddies.”

“Exactly.” Robby nodded, determined.

Sighing as he slowly walked through the front door, Robby closed the door with his back. Once the lock clicked, Robby continued leaning against the door for a moment. Closing his eyes he focused on taking deep breaths and stilling his shaking hands. He had just had his first session with Caleb at PTMC, they spent some of the session walking around the hospital, including the ER. Robby had remained calm and spoke to some of his day shifters. But on the way home he found his hands shaking leaving him wondering how was going to cope when it was time to go back to work in five weeks.

Jack still had a week off and Robby was looking forward to spending that time together. Jack had now accepted being on his meds again, and Robby was getting used to taking his own. Still feeling a little unsettled from being in the ER without Jack to focus on, Robby left his shoes by the door and decided to go looking for Jack.

Stepping into the living room, Robby paused and smiled softly. Jack was stretched out on the couch asleep, with his crutches leaning against the side of couch, prosthetic leg most likely back in their bedroom. He was in a pair of grey sweatpants and a very faded green hoodie from their college days. This was Jack’s comfort outfit. Whenever he was ill, tired or just wanted to relax he could be found wearing it.

Robby stepped closer and sat on the coffee table. Looking at Jack, Robby took in how much better Jack looked. He wasn’t pale anymore and the dark circles under his eyes had lessened. But Robby knew with better sleep over time they would fade, but he was happy with how much Jack had improved in the past week. The nightmares had lessened and thankfully Jack hadn’t had a flashback that sent him to the bathtub to look for cover since the second day Robby was home. But as good as this was, Robby was under no illusions that they were gone. Unfortunately, they were something Jack had to live with and would come and go over time.

 About to reach forward to brush some curls out of Jack’s face, Robby stopped, his hand outstretched and took in Jack’s slightly flushed face. Logically Robby knew it was because Jack was getting hot wearing his hoodie. But his brain decided to twist logic and the image in front of him combined with his uneasiness from being in the ER, took him back to 2020.

Three days after Adamson died, Robby came home to find Jack lying on the couch in the same hoodie and sweatpants. Jack was fatigued, his face was flushed and he was coughing and Robby immediately knew. There was no question of him going to stay elsewhere. There was no point, even being on opposite shifts wouldn’t have stopped any contamination at home. So, Robby was on the phone and letting the hospital know so they were off the schedule until Jack tested negative to covid and it was determined whether Robby caught it or not.

Those had been unpleasant days. Robby’s fresh grief over Adamson combined with his fear that he was going to have to take Jack to the ER and then lose him just like his mentor. Thankfully, Jack didn’t need to be taken to the ER, his bought with covid not serious. But Robby didn’t get much sleep back then, constantly sitting at Jack’s bedside and watching his symptoms. Worried that the blast which took Jack’s leg could have done some slight damage to his lungs which could mean covid could kill him easily.

So, looking at Jack now, Robby’s outstretched hand started to shake. Without thinking he reached out to take Jack’s pulse and used the back of his free hand to check Jack’s temperature.

“Wha’?” mumbled Jack, his eyes slowly opening in confusion. “Rob’y? Wh’t are you doin’?”

“Have you eaten or drunk anything?” Robby asked firmly, trying to quell his panic.

“Huh?” Jack slowly came more awake, but his confusion grew. Which caused Robby’s panic to rise, Jack was ill. Jack was going to need the ER. Robby was going to have to turn Jack’s ECMO off and he was going to lose his husband. At Jack’s hand gripping his wrist Robby looked down startled. “Robby. You’ve been gone two hours. I’m fine.”

Robby shook his head. “You’re sick. I need to get you some water, and you need to be in bed.” He started to stand to head for the kitchen, but Jack held onto his wrist and tugged as he sat up against the arm of the couch. “Jack!” Robby exclaimed as he was forced to stretch out on his husband, chest to chest. “I need to get your temperature down!”

Jack’s arms wrapped around his back, leaving Robby unable to get up. “I’m alright,” Jack soothed, his voice gravelly. Logically it was because Jack had woken up from his nap, but again Robby’s brain twisted this into further proving Jack was ill. That there was a chance Robby was going to lose his husband.

Shaking his head desperately, Robby tried to get up, but Jack’s grip was too strong. “Jack!” Robby panicked as he tried to pry Jack’s hands off him. “I have to make sure you will be okay!”

“I am okay,” Jack soothed as he rubbed Robby’s back. But Robby didn’t feel relaxed like he usually did when he was lying with Jack on the couch like this. Instead, he felt his panic begin to grow and grow. Jack, seemingly sensing this murmured, “come on.” Then got up and began heading towards their bedroom, his crutches making Robby nauseous. What if Jack coughed and dropped his crutches and slipped?

So, Robby got up and hurriedly followed Jack.  “You need to rest! Sit down!”

Jack just smiled softly at him and directed him to their ensuite. Where Jack gestured for Robby to perch on the edge of their bathtub. Then Jack, using one crutch to balance which made Robby cringe in concern, began rummaging in the cupboard under the sink. “Aha!” Jack mumbled triumphantly. He slowly turned to show Robby he was holding an old covid test box. “I know I could say until I am blue in the face that I don’t have covid. But I know your brain is tricking you right now and won't believe me. So, lets prove your brain wrong.”

Robby watched silently, his hands clasped tightly together as he nervously watched Jack, who was balancing on one leg leaning against the sink as he swabbed his mouth and nose. Wordlessly, once Jack put the solution on the test strip, Robby set a timer on his phone. As they waited for the two minutes to pass, Jack leaned his back against the sink and held his hand out. Robby shifted down the edge of the bath and held onto Jack’s hand tightly. Trying to force his heartrate to calm down and relax.

When the timer when off, Robby hastily got to his feet and peered at the test strip, breathing out a sigh of relief at the negative result. He let his body slump against Jack, tucking his face into the crook of Jack’s neck and breathed slowly. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, feeling his cheeks go red from embarrassment.

Jack’s arms encircled him tightly. “Hey, nothing to be sorry about. We both know our brains like to trick us. Fortunately, we still had a test kit so I could tell your brain that I am okay.”

They stayed in the bathroom, Jack hugging him tightly until Robby didn’t find it so difficult to breathe and let himself relax in Jack’s arms.

Over the next week Robby addressed his panicked reaction to thinking Jack was ill with covid again with Caleb, the both of them coming to the conclusion that his anxiety around going back to work, was trying to find reasons not to go back. Case in point, he had time off after Adamson died to look after Jack when he had covid. So, his brain latched onto that fact and twisted what was really happening.

Things began to reach an equilibrium and their dinner with Dana and Emery had been nice. Both he and Jack had been a little nervous having dinner with Dana and Emery, both worried about the two women would think or would say about them. But Dana and Emery only commented that it was nice to see them doing better and left it at that. There were no questions about their sleep or if they were going to therapy. So, they had a relaxed evening.

Then Jack was going back to work. Robby couldn’t deny that it felt wrong that he wasn’t also going back to work, but he still felt faintly sick at the prospect, so that was something he was going to work on for the next three weeks. Jack even suggested that he ease back in with a couple of shorter shifts or swing shifts if he felt more relaxed working with Jack. So, they were ideas he was going to run by Caleb.

Three days after Jack returned to work, Robby was up and getting supplies ready to make breakfast for them, he had slept in and was confused why at nine am Jack still wasn’t home. Jack hadn’t called or text him and just as Robby was considering turning the tv on to see the news in case Jack was treating patients from a bad accident, the front door opened. Robby walked out of the kitchen into the living room to see Jack.

“So…don’t be mad,” Jack said as he peaked around the door, his body hidden by the door.

Robby stared at his husband in exasperation and suspicion. “Why?”

“Just say you won’t be mad first!”

“Jack. Why are you home late?” he growled. Jack opened his mouth and then a pitiful squeaking meow reached his ears. “What was that?” Robby asked in resignation as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

Jack slowly slipped through the opened front door and closed the door behind him, and there held gently in his hands was a little ginger tabby kitten.

“Jack.”

“What?” Jack responded defensively. “I couldn’t just leave her!”

Robby closed his eyes briefly and knew that he was looking at the newest member of their family. “Is this why you were late?”

Jack nodded. “Heard her meowing in an alley on my way home and when I found her, I checked there was no mother or littermates and then I took her to a nearby emergency vets who checked her over. They said she was healthy and gave her a bath to help get rid of the fleas. She’s probably about ten weeks old. Then I went to a pet shop and ordered some food. As I walk to and from work and had no car, they said they would deliver everything I bought later today.”

Robby shook his head fondly. “We didn’t talk about this.”

“I know,” Jack said sheepishly. “But I couldn’t leave her. Look she’s like me!” Then Jack was holding up the little kitten to show that she was missing a front leg. Robby chuckled and walked over and let the kitten sniff his hand before he stroked her soft fur.

“Given her a name yet?” he asked smiling at the besotted look on Jack’s face as he looked down at the small kitten in his hands.

“Thought you should get a say with that.”

“Oh, so generous,” Robby teased. But he kissed Jack to let his husband know that he wasn’t actually mad at him. Stepping back, he grabbed his phone and took a picture of Jack holding the kitten up to his face smiling at her. He then sent the picture in their group chat with Dana and Emery just as Jack put the kitten down so she could explore, her gait uneven as she adjusted for her missing front leg.

Robby: Jack found this little lady on the street. So, say hello to the newest member of the Robinavitch-Abbot household.

Jack: As you can see, she takes after me.

Dana: Aww she is so cute.

Dana: Nice to see your daughter looks like you Jack.

Emery: Now Dana. She’s only just met Jack. Let’s not already scare her by saying she looks like Jack.

Jack: 🖕

Robby laughed and smiled fondly at Jack. Watching as Jack followed the kitten around the living room, responding every time she meowed with “yes? Oh really? Huh that’s interesting.”

They hadn’t talked about pets, but Robby couldn’t deny that he hadn’t not thought about it as something to consider at some point. And he had heard younger doctors and nurses talking about ‘the cat distribution system’ and figured they had simply been chosen for this kitten. He wouldn’t have put it past Lizzie knowing her. Lizzie had always said Jack was the human version of a ginger cat, even without his auburn hair.

So, Robby turned back to the kitchen and started making breakfast for them. When it was ready he turned to find Jack had showered and changed and had the kitten balanced on his shoulders as he sat at the table grinning at him. Unable to resist Robby took another picture. He guessed his phone album was going to be full of pictures of the kitten and the kitten with Jack.

As they ate Jack got out his phone and then started reading out cat name suggestions he saw online between bites of his breakfast. The kitten stepping into the hood of his hoodie and curling up with her tail sticking out.

“Bacon?”

“No.”

“Cheddar?”

“No.”

“Duchess Fluffington?”

“No.”

“Lady Sheddington?”

“Definitely not.”

“Flapjack?"

“No. You will twist that into Jack jr.”

“Bertha?”

“She’s not eighty years old Jack. No.”

“Bagel?”

Robby paused and nodded, “I actually like that.”

Jack twisted his neck to try and see the kitten in his hood. “You like Bagel?” There was a little purr and Jack turned back to grin at Robby. “Bagel it is then!”

Robby shook his head again. But after breakfast he joined Jack in bed so his husband could sleep after his shift and Robby just wanted to lay next to him. Jack more or less fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow and Robby smiled as Bagel followed them into their room and tried to jump on the bed but couldn’t. So, Robby leaned down and placed her on the bed and was pleasantly surprised when Bagel curled up on his chest and went to sleep.

With his husband and apparently new cat added to the family, Robby felt himself relax and knew despite his own worries about returning to work. They would all be okay.