Work Text:
"Okay, I put in all your answers. It'll randomize them and you'll take turns guessing. Shane, you're up first." Harris gives the thumbs up after he hits record.
(Ilya lifts the phone to his forehead where the prompt is showing on the phone screen)
Shane: This is what you say when I bring you something like a Coke or a blanket
Ilya: (blushing) uhhh
Shane: (grinning) You know this one
Ilya: (quietly) I’m your baby
Shane: What’s that, I couldn’t hear you
Ilya: (clears throat, louder) I’M YOUR BABY
Shane: (looking smug) Correct.
(Shane puts the phone to his head and Ilya’s face lights up with glee.)
Ilya: This is what we call dino chicken nuggets
Shane: Okay YOU started calling them this!
Ilya: (tsks) And now we both call them…
Shane: (sighs) Scott Hunters.
Ilya: BINGO
Shane: (snorts) Oh you say this when someone misses something easy in practice
Ilya: (He beams with a bright smile) He’s trying his best!
Shane: You’re very sweet.
Ilya: Yeah I have to make up for you going “what the fuck was that”
Shane: NEXT
Ilya: This is what you say right before you tell me gossip
Shane: I do NOT gossip.
Ilya: Shane, you somehow know everything about everyone. And you cannot keep it inside, it bursts out of you as soon as you get home like confetti cannon. Come on, you know what you say.
Shane: (covers his face with his hands, muffled voice still audible) I don’t want to name names, but…
Ilya: Ha! Yes! And then he gives me all the names. I love it.
Shane: Oh, this is what you tell Anya before you take her for a walk
Ilya: (awful Shania Twain impression) Let’s go, girls.
Shane: (gets a case of the giggles) Oh my god it’s so stupid and I hate that it makes me laugh
Ilya: This is what I say whenever you try to go incognito somewhere and happen to be wearing a dark jacket
Shane: (scowls) I look nothing like him
Ilya: Shane, it is the vibes you give off but you are also very sexy like him
Shane: (rolls eyes) "Jesus Christ, it’s Jason Bourne"
Harris, off camera: Yeah, I see it.
Ilya: You see? Thank you, Harris.
Shane: This is what you say right before you make everyone do bag skates
Ilya: (big smile on his face, claps hands) Not to ruin anyone’s day, but!
Shane: Everyone knows what’s coming right after he says that. He Pavlov’d us all.
Ilya: This is what we say when someone missed a day or we haven’t seen someone in a few days
Shane: Okay *I* don’t say this
Ilya: Okay fine what do *I* say when someone missed a day or we haven’t seen them in a few days?
Shane: (deadpan) Where the hell have you been, loca?
Ilya: HA. I don’t know why you don’t like those movies, Shane.
Shane: Might be the egregious age difference between the two main characters.
Ilya: Shane he STOPPED AGING that’s the whole POINT of being a VAMPIRE
Shane: (frowning) I think you just like that half the guys don’t wear shirts in those movies
Ilya: they’re WEREWOLVES, SHANE, THEY OVERHEAT EASILY
Harris, off camera: Maybe we should move on guys?
Shane: (frowning intensifies) I’m just saying we could fast forward through a majority of the shirtless scenes and not miss any plot points
Ilya: … Moy lyubimyy, are you jealous? (Ilya reaches out to squeeze his arm)
Shane: No, don’t touch me (He crosses his arms and leans out of Ilya’s reach)
Ilya: Harris, do you mind stepping out for a few minutes?
Harris: (deep sigh) I will be back in THREE MINUTES.
(Video cuts and opens again on Shane and Ilya. There’s a tuft of hair sticking up at the back of Shane’s head and his cheeks are slightly pink. The collar of his shirt is slightly askew. Ilya, on the other hand, looks extremely pleased with himself.)
Ilya: Sorry, Harris. Had to have Husband Huddle for a minute.
Harris: Please don’t give me details. Next one!
(Ilya puts the phone to his forehead, winking at Shane)
Shane: (sighs heavily) This is what you say my superhero name would be
Ilya: (cracking up) Super Gay
Shane: You’re so fucking annoying
Ilya: This is something we say when the rookies start drinking too much when we go out
Shane: Fuller, go easy on the Pepsi
Shane: This is what we answer with when one of us needs help and we call one another from a different part of the house
Ilya: (English accent) Help is on the way, dear!
Shane: Harris, we're kind of killing this.
Ilya: You and Barrett should do this, Harris
Harris: That'd be a cute ide-
Ilya: I bet you could not beat our score.
Harris: Yup, there it is, okay, moving on.
Ilya: This is what I say when I find a spider in the house
Shane: Kill it with fire?
Ilya: Okay yes, that but also…
Shane: Oh. Pack it up, Anya, we’re moving.
Shane: Oh boy. This is what you say when you try to guilt someone into doing something
Ilya: (pouts) Please, I am an orphan
Shane: You’ve gotta stop saying that.
Ilya: Do you think I’ll ever get adopted?
Ilya: This is what I say when you THINK I’ve obviously done something. Like when you went to go eat the rest of the Pad Thai you were saving but then it is mysteriously gone. And we are the only two people living in the house. And you say “Ilya, you ate my Pad Thai.” And I say…
Shane: (rolls eyes) ALLEGEDLY.
Ilya: Yup, that’s the one.
Ilya: Also, was probably Anya.
Shane: Allegedly.
Shane: This is what you say when I mention that I don’t like Tim Horton’s.
Ilya: That it’s TREASON, Shane. TREASON. I have been a Canadian for five minutes and I am better at it than-
Shane: JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKE POUTINE AND TIM’S DOESN’T MAKE YOU A BETTER CANADIAN THAN ME, ILYA! I HAVE AN OLYMPIC MEDAL FOR CANADA!
Ilya: (blows raspberry)
Harris: Okay, last one!
Shane: (looks apprehensive) I thought it’d be funny but on second thought I’m thinking we should probably skip this one, Harris.
Ilya: What, no, no I will get whatever it is
Shane: Yeah that’s the problem
Ilya: C’mon Hollander
Shane: (resignedly takes a deep breath) We literally do not say this name in our house on your request
Ilya: CUT, HARRIS
Ilya tosses the phone back at Shane like it’s burned him. The camera catches the phone screen with a single word on it: GRITTY.
Shane: I TOLD you. You can’t be normal about it.
(Ilya shakes out his arms before taking a big inhale)
Ilya: If he sees this, though, he can go (bleep) (bleep) his (bleep) (bleep) (bleep.) (Bleep.)
Shane: Jesus Christ, Ilya.
Ilya: He knows what he did.