Chapter Text
𝘏𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦?
I stared at the ceiling for a long time, slowly feeling something inside me shutting down along with the tear rolling down my cheek. I didn't scream, I didn't make a scene. I simply accepted that from now on, there would be no one left to love me, and in that very moment, I didn't even feel any love for life or any emotion at all. It was as if someone had flipped the switch in my heart that released the hormones responsible for emotions.
"I have to go to work."
Reluctantly, I got out of bed and slipped on my gray slippers. I dragged myself over to my dresser and picked the first things I saw: a white T-shirt and a pair of very loose black pants, just like me at that moment.
Finally, I grabbed my things from the table and locked the door behind me as I left, only to find my neighbor, Tyler, greeting me enthusiastically as he approached to walk with me. I immediately grimaced. I was jealous of how cheerful he always seemed.
"Tyler, how are you?" I asked instinctively, out of politeness and habit.
"I'm doing great! And you, Josh? You look more depressed every time I see you." He tilted his head with an amused smile.
I stared at him for a moment, thinking about it, before sighing. I walked past him, and he let out a small sigh that sounded almost like a grunt.
"Hey! You can't just ignore me like that. That's rude!" He ran after me, and I could hear him struggling to catch his breath.
He followed me for the rest of the way. I forgot to mention that he works at the same restaurant as me. Someone save me.
"We've already talked about this. I'm not going to talk to you about it if I don't want to. You're starting to get annoying with this, and it's exhausting."
I clocked in and placed my card with the others before turning around and putting on my apron.
"I'm just trying to strengthen our friendship. Sometimes you're really rude to me, and all I'm trying to do is understand you." He stood beside me, crossing his arms over the counter.
I rolled my eyes impatiently and looked at him, already annoyed.
"You sound like an immature little girl. Go somewhere else and use your savior complex. I don't want to hear your lectures right now."
Tyler took a step back, his face filled with sadness and disbelief.
I knew I had hurt his feelings, but I didn't care. I was too deeply buried in my own misery to appreciate his attempt to help me. I'm a fucking idiot. He was only trying to help.
The rest of my day went as usual, with idiot customers and people who spoke so quietly out of shyness that it drove me insane. I swear I felt like screaming at them to stop trying so hard to be cute. Eventually, I was finally able to take my break on the restaurant's rooftop, which was exclusively for employees. At least the owners weren't complete idiots.
"Is there room for one more?"
I heard Tyler speak to me. I looked up and saw him standing in front of me, wearing that shy smile he always had after we'd argued and he wanted to make things right. I felt a little guilty and moved over to make room beside me.
"You're right. I'm an idiot. I'm your friend, and I shouldn't be so rude."
I felt even more like an idiot because I didn't really mean what I'd just said. In a way, I saw it more as an obligation than something I genuinely felt.
"No, I'm sorry. I'm the one who's overreacting, and I shouldn't have talked to you like that. I'm being dramatic, d-don't feel bad."
He put his hands over his head and lowered it as if he were the one to blame for everything. I could hear his breathing becoming uneven, as if he really believed everything was his fault. Poor guy.
"Hey, it's okay. Don't worry about it." I quickly reassured him.
I awkwardly rubbed his back while unintentionally pushing him away. I really need to stop shutting people out.
"But it's true. It's my fault. Please forgive me." His voice sounded strange, like he had a lump in his throat.
I shifted uncomfortably on the bench, preparing myself to pretend I was concerned, but my mouth betrayed me.
"You're kind of emotional, aren't you?"
I looked into his eyes after avoiding his gaze for so long, and I noticed how red they were from holding back his tears. For the first time, I felt anger... toward myself. I'm such an ungrateful asshole.
"I didn't mean it like that!" I exclaimed quickly, realizing my mistake.
I wanted to hug him, but he stood up and ran away from me and my coldness.
"Ty, wait! Come back," I whispered when I saw that he was already gone.
I started pulling at my hair, regretting what I'd said. Why did I say that?
When I left work, I saw him ahead of me on the way home. Instinct took over, and I moved faster, trying to catch up with him. When I finally did, I didn't know what to say, so he spoke first.
"I-I..." He paused for a moment, making me curious. "I think you're right. I shouldn't stick my nose into things that don't concern me."
My eyes widened. It was so easy to say that it was my fault, but apparently, I just love being emotionally withdrawn.
"You're not a nuisance, but I think you feel like you are, right? I don't really know how you feel. Everything was normal a couple of weeks ago, but then you started digging into my life, and it's annoying because I made it clear that I don't want to talk about it."
Of course. Ruin it again.
I felt like I was watching my own life from the outside, wishing this whole situation was nothing more than a cruel joke or an incredibly realistic dream.
"I know, but that doesn't justify the cold way you treat me. Weren't we best friends for years? Now everything has become awkward." Tyler looked away toward the street.
I froze, somewhat annoyed. Literally, this had become awkward because of him.
"Not to offend you, but I've always been like this. I don't like talking about my problems or feelings, but you started wanting to know everything and—" I stopped myself before saying something I'd regret. "Forget it. You wouldn't understand, and you'll just keep doing the same thing."
I looked at him, and instead of the usual sadness I saw in him, there was only anger.
"How would you feel if the person closest to you rejected the way you feel?!" he shouted, startling me.
He poked me in the chest with his finger as he stepped closer.
"I don't ask much of you. I just want you to trust me enough to tell me how you feel. I only need a little compassion from you. It shouldn't be that hard." He threw his arms up as if he were giving up.
I frowned, feeling the cycle of arguments and reconciliations repeating itself.
"I just want to get away from you right now," I said without thinking too much about it.
It felt as though I'd shot him straight in the chest. His angry expression instantly turned into one of pain. He simply walked away, as if forcing himself to leave me behind.
Some time later, I found out from a coworker that Tyler had quit. Every time I left the house, I felt like something was missing. I had finally managed to ruin the only connection I had left.
I felt empty, as if something was missing and I had ripped it out by the roots myself. I sank even deeper into my pain, and at my lowest point, I came across something that broke something inside me, like a glass about to overflow finally shattering, leaving all the water spilled across the floor.
It felt as though everything I'd repressed for years came crashing out like a tsunami, hitting me all at once.
I saw him with someone else.
He looked so happy.
Something I had never understood before was that he had been right. My coldness and bitterness ruined everything else, and I couldn't help but feel alone. He was the only thing that, even though he irritated me, brought a little warmth into my cold, miserable life.