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Beca loved watching the way that the wind stirred Chloe’s hair. When it caught it just right, the flame-coloured locks looked like embers, drifting from a campfire, carrying the smell of smoke and burnt wood with it, a kind of comfort that she’d never been able to truly put into words. She loved that hair. Waking up to it splayed on the pillow next to her, the sound of soft snoring filling the room. A curtain surrounding her face as Chloe rolled on top of her, giggling as she kissed her. A messy bun on top of her head as she made them blueberry pancakes just because.
At this moment in time, Chloe’s hair was being gently buffeted by the summer breeze as she sat outside a café, an iced latte in her hand and giggling at a joke a friend of hers had just told her. The sound made a soft smile tug at Beca’s lips. It was her favourite sound, that laugh, the pure joy in it, the lyrical quality it always took.
“Are you watching her again?”
The voice in Beca’s ear pulled her from her observations, fighting the urge to snap back a response.
“No.” She responded, glum and defensive, cracking her neck as the vision of Chloe in front of her faded.
“Liar.”
“What do you want?” Beca grunted, easing herself from the chair and heading for the coffee machine.
The room was, as it always was, a shroud of darkness. Faded newspapers could be seen taped to the windows through a crack in the heavy black out curtains, the kind that smothered any attempt light would make to enter. The air smelled a little musty, tiny particles of dust in the air. It seemed like years since fresh air had been allowed to enter.
Beca navigated around the furniture and empty takeout containers with ease, hands finding the switch for a lamp that flickered on with a buzz. The light was low; the lampshade covered with a thin scarf to reduce the light as low as possible. It made Beca wince a little, but she continued forward, flicking the switch for the coffee machine. Rubbing at her face, she glanced at her watch realising she’d been watching Chloe for far longer than she intended to.
“You went quiet, I knew there was something wrong when you stopped snarking at me for three whole hours.”
Beca snorted, rubbing at her face, trying to ignore the dancing lights at the edges of her vision. The coffee pot beeped, letting her know it was ready for her to get a much-needed caffeine fix.
“Here I was thinking you were getting me an update on the… um… fuck…”
She couldn’t get her mind to focus, not long enough to form a coherent sentence anyway.
“You’re getting the cluster migraines again, aren’t you? How long were you watching her?”
“Too long.” Beca mumbled, sinking slowly to the floor, her hand in her hands as her concerned friend’s voice started to warp in her ear, like she was hearing her talk to her underwater, “Didn’t even realise…”
“Bec…” The woman in her ear sighed softly, “You know what it does to you when you use your powers for too long. It’s why we–”
“I know, I fucking know okay Stace?” Beca snarled, “I didn’t mean to do it, I just… I fucking miss her.”
“I know. Fuck it, no I don’t, I can’t imagine what you’re going through Bec. It sucks ass.”
Beca snorted a short laugh that was cut off as a white-hot pain shot through her head, groaning softly. She pressed the heel of her hand into her right eye, trying to somehow stave off the pain, to drive it out of her skull. The pain wasn’t even the worst of it; she knew what would follow if she couldn’t get a handle on it fast.
“Hey, talk to me. Do you have your meds?”
“Mm, no. M’out.”
“Dammit Beca. You’re supposed to tell me when you’re running low so that I can get more. I’m coming over.”
“No.” Beca grunted, feeling the tremors in her hand start, “Gotta… gotta wait. Too dangerous.”
If Stacie said something else, Beca didn’t hear it. Her ears were ringing, gradually growing louder, and she knew that it was too late to stave it off. The tremors started, the floor below her shaking, cups on the unit above her clinking together. Her eyes were squeezed tightly shut, but Beca knew if she opened them she wouldn’t be able to see anything anyway. It would be the usual blinding white light that felt like it was melting her brain, a laser pointed right at her grey matter until she could swear she could smell it frying.
Beca could feel her chest tightening, trying to take a breath but it wouldn’t let oxygen into her lungs. She could feel her veins bulging in her neck, straining like they were trying to break free from her skin, dropping her the rest of the way to the ground, fingers driving deep into the carpet fibres, clawing at it like a cat sharpening its claws, determined to ground herself, to not blackout this time, but it was becoming harder and harder to breathe, the ringing in her ears so loud it was rattling her teeth.
The tremors in the room got worse, the cabinets shaking furiously, a glass falling from the unit and hitting the ground, smashing, small shards embedding themselves in Beca’s hands as she tried to crawl across the room, not noticing her hands bleeding as she dragged herself in the direction of her bed. If she could just get that far, if she could just pull the weighted blanket down on top of herself, it would stop this in its tracks, smother the proverbial fire.
Beca was panting as she made frustratingly little progress, whimpering and shaking, her limbs threatening to give out underneath her. She could make it. She could make it, she could make it she could–
“Hey, hey, you’re good, just breathe.”
Beca groaned as her eyes fluttered open slowly, hearing Stacie’s voice again. But instead of being in her ear, it was in the room.
“Wh… what are you doing here?”
Stacie grinned as Beca’s eyes focused on her, pressing the icepack in her hands to her head. She let out a grateful sigh of relief, jaw clenched tight against the residual pain, feeling the soft mattress beneath her and the pressure of the weighted blanket on top of her sweaty, shaking frame.
“You needed more meds, remember?”
“Wasn’t safe.” Beca muttered, “Whole place was shaking.”
“I know.” Stacie raised her eyebrow, reaching for a water bottle that she’d inserted a straw into, holding it to Beca’s lips, an insistence rather than a suggestion, “I thought it was going to come down on top of you.”
Beca gratefully sipped at the water, letting it soothe her dry throat and chapped lips, utterly exhausted. She let out a shaky sigh, letting her body melt into the bed. Every nerve in her body throbbed, every bone ached, and she couldn’t think of anything she wanted to do less right now than hold a conversation, but Stacie was looking at her in that way that let her know that staying quiet or taking a nap was not an option right now.
“How long was I out?”
“A day and a half.” Stacie cocked her eyebrow, setting the bottle to one side and leaning back in the chair she had pulled to Beca’s bedside, “We need to talk about this.”
“No we don’t.” Beca mumbled, closing her eyes and turning her head towards the wall, “I’ll tell you next time I’m running low.”
“You need to stop checking in on her.”
“I can’t.” Beca whispered, tears slipping unseen down her cheeks, “I can’t Stacie… it’s all my fault, all of it. What if he goes after her, even if she doesn’t know anything, he still might try–”
Stacie sighed, gently brushing some of Beca’s hair from her face. Whether she chose not to acknowledge the tears or she simply didn’t notice them, Beca didn’t care, she was just grateful that she didn’t have to talk about them.
“You didn’t choose this Becs. No-one would choose to have their body almost violently ripped apart every time they think about something outside of the room. Having powers sucks, I know that.”
“Yeah, never having to worry about opening a jar must be really hard.” Beca scoffed, “Super strength is totally the same thing as physic abilities.”
“You’re a dick when you have a psych hangover y’know?” Stacie snorted, “You think I’m not scared of it? That I’ve never opened a door too hard, or fallen through a wall rather than into it? Hell, I have to be careful when I’m hooking up so I don’t crush someone or rip them in half, it terrifies me.”
Beca was quiet for a moment, wishing she could curl into herself, but the blanket was too heavy to allow her to do that.
“But you didn’t have to make the love of your life forget you existed.”
The words landed like a lead weight between them. Stacie flinched a little, guilt immediately creasing her features. She had nothing to say to that. What was there to say about it? She remembered that day, remembered how broken Beca had been, how much Chloe had sobbed and begged Beca not to do it, told her she was willing to accept the risk, that she just wanted to be with Beca.
“You… you had to do it Beca. She doesn’t have any powers, she would’ve–”
Stacie trailed off, sinking back into her chair. Beca didn’t have to tell her to shut up, she could feel the need to herself. Beca had been telling herself all of these things for months now, she didn’t need Stacie to sit here and repeat it all to her.
“What if I check in with her instead?”
Beca’s eyes opened again, head turning back towards Stacie, the ice pack sliding just out of place as she did. Stacie righted it, a soft, emotional smile on her face.
“I’ll make friends with her; she like me once already. That way I can keep an eye on her for you, and you don’t have to fry your brain just make sure she’s okay.”
“I– won’t that undo the mind wiping thing?”
“Nah.” Stacie shook her head, “I’ll just never talk about you, should be easy never mentioning my pain in the ass best friend, I kind of make a habit of it already.”
Beca laughed through her tears, pursing her lips, “Yeah. Yeah, that would be really cool of you. Thanks.”
“Anytime Shortstack.” Stacie grinned, “As long as you promise to keep taking your meds, you know Doc said if you don’t your brain will literally melt out of your ears.”
“I know, I know.” Beca grumbled, “I’ll do it. Can you take this blanket off me yet, I need to itch my nose.”
“Sure.”
Stacie lifted the blanket like it weighed nothing, despite Beca knowing that it weighed about as much as she did (intentionally of course, it was the only way to contain the tremors when her brain overloaded). She sighed in relief, itching her nose before rolling onto her side, utterly spent both physically and emotionally.
“You want to eat or nap first?”
“Nap.” Beca mumbled, already half asleep, “Too tired to chew.”
“You got it Bec.” Stacie laughed, tucking a regular blanket around her, “I’ll go get us some pizza from that place you like. Pretty sure they don’t deliver to ‘old nuclear fallout shelter in the woods’.”
Beca just hummed in agreement. As she slipped back into the welcome embrace of silence and nothingness that she got so very rarely, Beca couldn’t help letting her mind slip briefly back to Chloe, the image of her hair in the wind and the sound of her laugh guiding her into the black abyss.