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Once upon a time, it was only you and me. An inseparable pair, best friends since we were only little kids.
It had always been You-chan and Chika-chan.
That's the way I liked it. I miss those days. Those days when we'd embrace every time we saw each other, even if we were together the day before. Those days when we would spend hours together at your house and my house, doing absolutely nothing but just being together. Those days when I could just barely hear your voice cheering me on from under the deep blue pool water.
Then suddenly, all I see is long and red flowing hair and everything has changed.
When I saw Riko for the first time, my heart skipped a beat. I knew things would change, it was a feeling deep down within me that things would be different from then on.
Over and over again, I would turn around just to see you two together, laughing at some joke I'm not apart of. I was no longer at your side anymore, our endless sleepovers came to an end, and we no longer hugged every time we saw each other.
The loneliness was hard. It was like jumping into the deep end without knowing how to swim, drowning without anyone around to help you. Sinking to the bottom of the pool where it's silent, the density heavy above you, not realizing you're crying because your tears are lost in the water.
Although the isolation was difficult, I had come to know a feeling much worse. A sinking feeling deep within my chest. I haven't figured out the name for it yet, it was a feeling like the flames of jealousy and the coldness of sorrow mixed together, the negative of the feeling I got when I was still best friends with you.
It came when I turned to see you and Riko's heads leaned up against each other's. Or when I'd invite you over only for you to text back hours later that you had been with Riko. Or when I'm out running errands and see you two together.
That same hollow feeling in my chest. Ugh.
I was missing something. It left me like you had left, so quick I hadn't even realized it was gone in the first place.
That night when I called Riko, it had fluttered a bit, as if it were coming back. I thought it was for you. When you hugged me, I thought that place was filling back up.
Except when I went back inside, it was still as empty as it was before.
You had come back for me. I didn't feel as left out as I had before, and I think you understood what I had been going through. I can smile and laugh with you, we're a trio. I am no longer drowning.
But if you're with me, why am I still so empty?
"You-chan," Riko said gingerly, handing me a bottled water. "It's hot out here." She smiled, and a strand of vibrant red hair fell over her shoulder.
My hand trembled as I grabbed the water from her, and pressed it to my forehead. She was right. It was hot, and my chest was filling.
Then, she turned and grinned as you, bright and happy, came bouncing up to her. "Here," she said sweetly, grabbing another bottle. "I saved one for you."
One by one, those pieces that had built up fell away and shattered on the concrete rooftop.
No, I wasn't drowning anymore. But I was floating on the surface, staring up into a blank void, not moving, not speaking, not hearing anything. Not going anywhere.
Because I had finally found what filled me up, yet I always lost it.
Why hadn't I noticed it before? Why hadn't I noticed the way my heart skipped every time I saw her, or the ripples in my heart when she talked to me? I knew she would change things, but this wasn't what I had expected.
It was her.
Finally, I could name the feeling that brought death to me. The whole of it was love. It was the lighter-than-light and the flutters and the warmth. So if that was love, the emptiness would be unrequited love.
Yes, unrequited. I think apart of me had always known that. No matter what, I would never be enough for her. You and her had clicked immediately, falling so fast for each other that you hadn't even realized I was there watching.
One summers night I was sitting on the dock, feet dangling down into the ocean, sunset in front of me.
Beside me, I saw someone sit down next to me. Quickly, I turned my head, startled, to find the girl with the flowing red hair and ember eyes staring right back at me. My heart begun to beat wildly in my chest, letting me know the pieces were coming back. This time, I prepared myself for when they'll fall back down.
Except Riko asked, "You-chan? Are you okay?"
It's funny how she can play me like a piano and not even realize it. She makes me feel whole. She makes me feel like I'm not just floating in a still pool, but I'm swimming in a vast ocean, full of life and colors.
When Riko left that night, the stars were high in the sky and the moon was staring back down on me. Watching her walk back down the dock, growing smaller and smaller until she was dissolved into nothing in the darkness, I realized I was crying. Not because she had left, but because she had left and my chest was no longer empty. Everything was still there, compact in my heart.
I couldn't tell her how I felt that night, so I'll save that for later. But she told me how she felt without even realizing it. She told me something that resonated within me:
I care.
Chika, you're my friend. I was never scared of losing you because a part of me knew I would always have you. You said that yourself when you came back for me. You still care about me—you always had. Even if you came back to me changed, you still came back.
No, I wasn't scared of losing you. I was scared of losing Riko. I was scared of losing the one I loved.