Chapter Text
New York is full of life and noise; Ramona feels like she is drowning in it. Life has never been busier. The change of pace is nice, and honestly, she really needed to get away. Away from everything. She tried to leave that part of her behind. Here there are no memories of Gordon or her mother's past haunting her. She can finally begin anew.
She has made some friends already, all through Connor. Like Annie, he insisted on throwing her a party. God, she hated parties. But it was nice to meet new people with ideas completely different from her own.
Regrettably, Oona's face was still there when Ramona closed her eyes. She could almost feel the press of her fingers against her waist, her breath against her neck when she was fast asleep. Sometimes she would go to sleep just to see her again. Before it all went to shit.
Forgetting should have been easier. After all, she had all of New York to explore. But it wasn't. Oona was still her best friend. Or, she was supposed to be. If only she had done something different. If only she had said something. If only—
How could she when Oona's laughter was still fresh in her mind. The somersaults in her stomach when those pretty green eyes stared right back at her. The feeling of finally being hers after all those months waiting and pining and being so so jealous. It had felt so right. Being hers. Having her.
And it feels so wrong now.
The city is one big distraction. Flashing lights, sirens, people talking, cars everywhere. It helps with forgetting. It eases the pain. Sometimes when the noise gets to her, she buries herself in Annie's bed, her bed now. She closes the blinds, opens her brand new laptop, and puts on some shitty 2000s show Annie lives by.
Today is one of those days. She wishes Annie was with her sometimes. She is disgustingly positive, but her smile always rubbed off on her. At least she still has Connor, and her dad. Right when the show is starting to get good, she stuffs her face with a mix of snacks that definitely should not be mixed. But, whatever. She can do what she wants now. She's practically almost an adult.
She hears a knock on the door and ignores it.
"Knock knock," Connor says. He walks in anyways, all smug and full of himself.
Ramona stares at him.
"Okay, so you're supposed to say 'who's there', y'know?"
"Who's there?" Ramona attempts to say, crumbs flying everywhere.
"Ew, gross. Are you mixing sweets and sours?" He rolls his eyes and puts his hands firmly on his hips, as if to make a statement. Ramona thinks he just looks like... a lost penguin. She snorts.
"This is serious, Ramona. Don't you dare laugh."
She shifts in bed and sits upright. Her brother is nice, but damn is he a loser.
"You can't be in NYC and not date."
The word lands strangely. Date. The thought of Oona crept back into her mind instantly. Her lips against hers.
Ramona scoffs. "How the fuck do you know what I want?"
"Look dude, I'm just saying. You can't be a sad little lesbian forever."
"Wow."
A sad little lesbian, fuck him. He wasn't completely wrong, though.
"What?"
"That's your advice?"
"It's good advice."
It wasn't. It was stupid advice and the last thing she needed to hear. Connor was an idiot and Ramona did not need him telling her what to do. She could take as much time as she wanted pretending to be over Oona.
Except, it was getting pathetic. Except....
Maybe Connor was right. Oona would have been with a million girls by now. Why shouldn't she?
Finally, she caves. "Let's go out."
Connor jumps. "Fucking finally," he grins. "Get in loser, we're going shopping." He winks as he pretends to drive away.
She raises her eyebrows. "What are you even doing?"
"You don't know Mean Girls? God, you are so uneducated. Annie will flip when I text her this."
"Please don't."
Too late. Connor is already pulling out his phone.
Ramona rolls her eyes, but she's smiling.
Twenty minutes later, she's standing outside a store with Connor, holding a shirt she has absolutely no intention of buying.
"Absolutely not," she says.
Connor looks at it. "Why?"
"It's pink."
"So?"
"I don't wear pink."
"You're wearing pink right now."
Ramona looks down at her shirt.
"Shut up. It's Annie's."
He laughs.
They spend the next hour wandering through shops, Connor insisting that every remotely eye-catching item is "essential," while Ramona repeatedly threatens to leave him behind. The streets are busy. Everybody is so unique here. Surprisingly, she likes being busy. Everyone blends into one big stream of people. She isn't noticeable, and neither are those around her. They all just exist.
Nobody here knows who she is. Nobody knows about Gordon, her mother, Sterling Point, or Oona. She can just be another girl walking down the street. Maybe she is a tourist, maybe she has lived here all her life. No one knows, and that is the relief.
The city proves to be a nice distraction. Connor insisted on doing a tour around New York and clearly he meant all of it. She wasn't sure she had ever walked so much in her life.
Connor walks around with all kinds of different shopping bags filled to the brim. Ramona insists on buying nothing at first, she isn't used to having money or going on shopping sprees. She's pretty sure all her clothes are at least a couple years old. Either hand me downs or scoured from thrift stores on the mainland.
Then, when she's not even really looking, she finds a jacket. Soft red leather, slightly oversized, with silver zippers. She tries it on, and it fits her perfectly. Connor stares at her through the mirror, grinning.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Connor."
He smiles. "You look good."
Ramona looks at herself again. And, something happens that almost never does. She finds herself agreeing with him. For once, she doesn't immediately think about whether Oona would've liked it. She just likes it.
"I'll take it."
"That's my girl."
"Don't make it weird now."
They leave the store with two shopping bags between them. Outside, the city is still loud. Cars honk. Someone is shouting into a phone. In the corner a guy is throwing up, that is something she is not used to. The occasional rats cross the road. Loud music blares out from a musicbox someone across the street is holding. Ramona wonders whether the guy has already developed some sort of hearing problem.
Usually, it would be too much. Except, right now it doesn't bother her. Maybe she is starting to like the city after all.
Connor bumps his shoulder against hers as they walk.
"So," he says. "Are you ready for a potential girlfriend?"
"Don't push it."
"Potential girlfriend..."
She laughs. It's a small laugh at first, but it comes easily.
For a few minutes, Ramona doesn't feel like she's running away from anything. She's just walking through New York with her brother, carrying a jacket she actually likes, laughing at something stupid he said.
And maybe that's enough for today.