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Yuri had gotten a pretty good grip on his anxiety in the past couple of months. Well, after his devastating performance and break down at the last Grand Prix Final anything was better then that. Even with Victor around, nudging him about loosing the weight he had gained, and Yurio being the Russian Punk that he was, his anxiety hadn’t reached a point that he couldn't manage… or hide. Onsen on Ice he had conquered and now he was training with his idol, the legend, Victor Nikiforov. It’s simple to say, there was no way in hell he was going to let his anxiety disorder show itself to him.
At least that was his plan.
Starting his free skate was seemingly more difficult then he would have thought. Victor had insisted that he make his own free skate, to the music he wanted. And while that was a normal thing for Victor, Yuri didn't have that confidence. If he did his entire free skate how he wanted then he would be putting it all out there for the world to see. If he messed up, which he knew he would, it would affect everything. Would he even be able to make a good enough program? He needed to impress Victor and the thought of being shot down and having Victor walk away because of his incompetence was stressing him to say the least.
It started when he wasn't able to sleep. He blew it off as just wanting to finish his program, so he stayed up as long as he could looking up music and writing possible programs, browsing the internets of all of victors previous performances, looking for inspiration. He did this until he fell asleep at his desk. Thankfully, even though he was tired it didn't seem to affect him during practice. Not saying he didn't crash later in the day but at least he could just say he needed a nap to chase away any questions.
One night during his usual restlessness he came across an article that instantly shattered everything he was trying to keep together.
“Victor Nikiforov coaching Japan Failure Yuri Katsuki? Waste of Talent?”
Yuri had seen his fair share of bad articles about himself. He tended to avoid them like the plague. Phichit had told him that they were in bad taste, people who actually didn't realize how good of a skater that he was, but it still hurt him.
This, on the other hand, shattered him. His hands instantly started to shake, and the more he read the article his entire body followed suit. Tears started to flow down his cheeks before he even realized. Sure there had been talk of if Yuri was even worthy of Victor’s attention but Yuri ignored them. Victor had chosen him for a reason right? Right…
Every doubt that he ever had about letting Victor be his coach came out right then in there, and the next thing he knew he was running to the bathroom to vomit. He hoped that his frantic running hadn’t woken anyone up. He couldn’t deal with anyone at that moment. After emptying the contents of his stomach he sat back on the wall with his knees tucked to his chest and cried.
There really was no good reason for Victor to be his coach. He WAS a waste of talent. Victor should be out there on the ice, not sleeping in a bed a couple of doors down from him. Its not like Yuri could ever get to the same rank of Victor Nikiforov. If anything this last season proved it. He should just tell Victor to leave tomorrow and coach Yurio instead. He was going to retire before he could tarnish the record of his idol.
A quiet woof interrupted his thoughts. He looked up from his knees to the door where he heard sniffing by the door. Makkachin was awake. Another quiet woof had Yuri scrambling to the door to shush him before he woke up the entire house. He was greeted by a wet nose when he opened it a crack.
“No, go away.” Yuri squeaked out, still crying. The dog stayed, trying to shove his head into the door. Yuri managed to push him out and close the door. A small whimper at the other end but he gave up and walked away. Yuri sighed. He didn’t deserve the attention of his idols dog at this point. He laid himself on the floor as another sob escaped his lips. The tears wouldn’t stop, and he knew himself, they probably wouldn't stop for another couple of hours.
Not even 5 minutes after he had laid down Yuri heard Victors voice on the other side of the door.
“Yuri? You in there?” Yuri could hear Makkachin’s collar jingle on the other side of the door. Did that dog really wake Victor up? He couldn't say anything he was so confused.
“Yuri, I’m coming in.” Victor said before waiting a second, and opened the door. Blue eyes meet brown swollen eyes that still had tears in them. Yuri couldn't hold eye contact and looked down at the ground as more tears dripped out. Makkachin had beat Victor in and was already licking Yuri’s face. Yuri put a hand up to stop him as he was also licking his glasses.
Victor closed the door behind him and knelt next to Yuri. He had a small frown on his face, his eyes searching Yuri’s face for answers. “What’s wrong?”
Yuri didn’t say anything he just sniffled. Of all the people he wished to not see him Victor was person number one. Just having him in the same small room on him made everything harder. He could smell the sweet soap that Victor used in the bath and it made him dizzy. He wanted Victor to be his couch, but he just wasn’t worthy. He put a hand over his mouth as a strangled sob came out. He clenched his eyes shut and shook his head. He couldn't do this in front of him, but his body wouldn't stop.
Victor didn’t say anything, Makkachin was trying desperately to shove his face in-between his hands and his face. He eventually backed up and barked at him. He only did it once but it was enough to startle Yuri out of his hands and look at the dog. He was really going to wake up the house. Yuri glanced at Victor who still had the same searching look on his face. He didn’t even seem the least bit started by Makkachin.
“Lay down” Victor said quietly. So quietly Yuri thought he was talking to Makkachin, but no… he was staring right at Yuri.
“…M-me” Yuri asked. Victor just nodded.
Yuri stared at him confused. Victor didn’t say anything more. So Yuri complied and laid down on the cool floor. Victor shifted so he was kneeling closer to Yuri, and he instantly started to panic. His heart was beating so hard he could swear Victor would hear it. But Victors eyes were on Makkachin. Words Yuri didn’t understand, but he knew they were Russian came quietly out of Victors mouth. Makkachin focused his attention on Victor in a way that Yuri had never seen before. Victor pointed a figure onto Yuri’s chest lightly enough that he barely noticed. What he did notice was Makkachin walking over Yuri and laying down so his body was perfectly placed on Yuri and his head rested down on Yuri’s chest. Instantly a sort of calm came over him, he didn’t feel the need to cry.
“Close your eyes.” Victor said to him softly. He closed his eyes, and slowly his thoughts quieted. After a while he opened his eyes and looked over at Victor. Victor had his head resting on his knee and his eyes were closed. Yuri quietly said his name and once again blue eyes meet brown. But this time Yuri wasn’t afraid to hold the contact.
“What…” Yuri looked down at Makkachin who was rested on him, “Is this..” Yuri looked back at Victor who had a small smile on his face.
“Deep Pressure Therapy” Victor said “Do you feel better?”
Yuri nodded, “How does he know this?”
Victor looked away from Yuri and at Makkachin. “Well you might not believe this but I got Makkachin to help with my anxiety.”
Yuri couldn't help but cough out a chuckle as he sat up to Makkachin’s slight displeasure. He ended up curling up as best he could on Yuri’s lap. “You have anxiety?”
Victor nodded, “Years ago when I first started to rack up on the gold meals. It started to take a toll on me. Yakov really put the pressure on me to do better, be better, because my reputation was getting bigger. I was so afraid that if I failed once I would never be able to skate again. I ended up seeing someone about it but I couldn't take any medication to help with it because it would effect my ability to skate. So instead she suggested a dog. Something that I could always count on to be there and not see me as some famous skater. And dogs have a lot of therapeutic benefits just by being there. So Makkachin came into my life.” He paused and smiled a little wider. Yuri couldn’t help but stare wide eyed. His idol had anxiety just like him!
“Being able to come back from skating to this goofball was one thing I never knew I needed. My anxiety would always spike when I was alone and never when I was out skating at a competition, which is why no one knew about it but Yakov. So being able to come home and have him lay on me to calm my nerves really saved me a lot of heartache. He’s snapped me out of crying so many times I can’t remember. He’s more then just a dog.” Victor looked over at Yuri again. “How long?”
Yuri was hesitant. Obviously they didn’t have the same experience and Victor had a better grip then he did. But hearing it all made Victor a real human and not just an ice skating god. “As long as I can remember… sometimes the most minuscule things set me off.” He heard Victor hum next to him thoughtfully.
“Well if you ever feel like this, you can steal Makkachin. I won’t mind.” Victor smiled at him. Yuri couldn’t help but smile back. As pushy as Victor could be, he wasn’t making him say anything more. And he couldn’t be more grateful.
Maybe it would be okay to steal Victor from the world, even for just a bit.