Archive of Our Own

As Tyler stepped onto the podium with the dark paint smudging over onto his lips Josh couldn't help but grow more concerned. 

The man has been behaving oddly recently, and right now the drummer could see the pinnacle of that.

When the Man rised his ink-covered arms up to the sky, he looked almost intoxicated, like a moth rapidly aproaching a memorial candle. 

"Tyler..."

He whispered, before the man picked up the mic again and started singing again. 

"You don't look around at the traffic lights?" 

"look, if a car was going to hit me, it will hit me either way."

Josh caught himself dysociating and hitting the drums a bit too hard. 

The usual ringing in his ears started getting louder and louder, slowly making it impossible to focus on hitting the right sounds. 

Only two and a half songs left. i won't ruin the show for the people.

"Hey guys, show some appreciation for the old man out there, he's carrying the show on his back right now!"

Tyler shouted into the crowd, noticing Josh's distress.

He never understood how Tyler managed to be so confident in front of so many people, even at the hardest of moments. 

The Drummer himself wanted to disapear everytime somebody noticed him at a public event and decided to give him a mic to speak. 

And yet tonight was diffrent. 

as Tyler rose on the escalating platform he wasn't just a bright star, he was a red giant, hot and bright on the dark sky. 

Cloud coverage matched my outfit to a knife,

Tyler looked like he was going to collapse into a black hole soon. 

I requested counsel with the counselor and he cancelled twice

Josh couldnt let that happen. They both would be gone if that happened. 

It's a different blue, it's deeper than it's been

Josh's breathing fastened and fastened. He dropped one sound.

He missed the third sound when he heard Tyler's voice on the word 'Indygo'. 

it was like a perfectly aligned, surgicaly-clean cut, like a haunting cry for help from a soul in agony. 

Tyler's sight crossed Josh's for a milisecond, telling him that was not a performance thing.

Josh was sure that his face in that moment was going to haunt him forever.

|-/

Tyler waited for him in the changing room. 

"Could you help me get rid of the paint? its more stubborn than usualy..."

Josh sighed and came over with cottonpads and myceliar water. He wasn't wrong, the paint really was worse than ususal. 

It took way more scrubbing to get off just a bit of it, and He didn't want to damage his skin.

"Well, i suggest we take our stuff, go home, you hop into a bathtub and marinate there with makeup remover or a whole bottle of shower gel for an hour. then i can help you, right now i'll just tear off your epidermis."

He said as he leaned in to kiss Tyler on the lips. 

"Don't- not with the paint on. its baaaad luck."

Tyler stood up and started packing his clothes.

"uh, i think your idea is alright. just... imagine somebody pulls us over and im out here in black paint..."

"You look absolutely exausted, Ty. Let me take your stuff to the car, huh?"

Tyler noded and pushed Clancy's mask into his dufflebag. 

Josh packed his stuff slowly, still sneaking glances at the man on the opposite side of the room. 

The long sleeves and the hairdying gloves were clearly supposed to protect Josh's car from black paint.

"Where did you pull these gloves from?"

"Not important. lets go, im ready."

Even though Josh helped him carry everything, he still didn't hand over the small ukulele case. he held it to himself, almost hugging it. 

While they looked for the car in the underground parking lot Josh started to worry. Tyler looked like he was about to collapse, either from exaustion or something else. He dragged his feet like a wounded kangaroo. 

"Is it just me or are we in the same place again? Don't tell me we're in the Backrooms... "

Josh was about to complain when Tyler started singing. 

Well, one thing about Tyler, if he was a mythical creature, he'd be a siren, no matter how hard he tries to convince everyone he'd be like a werewolf or something. 

"I wonder where you are I wanted you to show me
The way around those city walls"

"Well, thats new... you plan on publishing it?"

He didn't have to answer, the way his face lit up did it for him.

"Uhh yeah. I think it could be kind of an end to Clancy's and Torchbearer's story? Ya know, Clancy climbs up the walls of DEMA, fights with Nico, Torchie fails to reach him before he turns into a bishop, there's a bunch of yearning and stuff... we eventually have to doom their relationship, and you know it."

He did know it. and yet, something in him wanted to shout 'no we don't' 

maybe he didn't want to end that story, or maybe his subconcious was telling him Tyler would end their own story with them. Well, he loved the guy. he didn't want to loose Tyler, not after all these nights he held him through his worst thoughts and worst moments. not after these years that made them so co-dependant. 

"i know, but im going to miss the lore... well, we can make new lore, but..."

"Heyy, old man, don't tell me you really grew fond of Nico?"

The blinding lights came seemingly out of nowhere. 

"Tyler, look out-" 

Josh lunged forward, pulling Tyler out of the scarlett Jeep's path. 

"Im sorry man, didn't notice yall!" 

They heard a voice from the disapearing car. The Weekend was, as always, driving even more recklessly than Tyler.

"Oh Fuck you! you could've killed him!"

Josh lashed out at the long-not-present driver. 

"Tyler, Tyler. are you alright? that guy almost hit you, you cant just zone out in the middle of the road-" 

Tyler's eyes looked weird, like he was not present in his own body. Josh knew that look all too well, Tyler had it during every one of these nights. 

"Are you okay? hey, Ty-"

The man shook his head and looked away. 

"Y-yeah. im... 'm good."

"Lets take you home, Dear."

|-/

Tyler fell asleep almost instantly after they reached the main road.

Josh wasn't in a mood for talking or singing together, and yet the thought of being alone with his thoughts and fears seemed just as bad, if not worse. 

He decided to listen to music. he caught himself reaching for the car radio, that, well, wasn't there. even though its been twelve years, Tyler refused to but a new radio, for some reason.

Instead they just had a cd player with a bluetooth speaker in the car, at all times. Weird nobody ever stole that one.

Josh reached for the play button. It suprised him that what played was "Ode to Sleep". 

Josh usualy avoided this song. Just like, and probably for the same reason,  Tyler avoided Guns For Hands.

These songs were based on their own expieriences, and after Quiet is Violent in 2014 they left these feelings behind. 

I wake up fine and dandy, but then by the time I find it handy
To rip my heart apart and start planning my crash landing

but ever since that conversation late at night, since he found that razor next to the sink, the dark started taking him as prisoner again. 

He sometimes layed in the night, flinching at every littlest noise, every sound coming from the depths of his own home that could be somebody's footsteps, but might've as well been just Jim running around eating Tyler's plants. the thought of falling asleep peacefully and waking up to someone hurting Tyler made it so hard to fall asleep that he once suggested he'd take sleeping pills. 

Well, falling asleep was the problem. he didn't want to do it.

I go up, up, up, up, up to the ceiling
Then I feel my soul start leaving like an old man's hair receding

Sometimes he'd work on anything he could get his hands on until the sun came up or he was so tired he'd fall asleep anywhere.

how many times did Tyler find him collapsed on the floor of their living room or resting his head on one of his drums because he practiced to silence the voices? how many times did he half-carry the half-conciouss Josh into their bedroom? 

I'm pleading, "Please, oh please" on my knees repeatedly asking
Why it's got to be, like this?

Josh focused back at the road and started counting the signs. it was a quick way to distrackt himself from his thoughts without dissociating and crashing Tyler's car.

I don't wanna be the one, be the one to has the Sun's blood on my hands, I'll tell the moon

The song stopped annoying him. he didn't care anymore, the feelings were back anyway.

Take this weapon, forged in darkness, Some see a pen, I see a harpoon

The song was Tyler's way to show Josh he understands, and yet all this time the song was 

I'll stay awake 'cause the dark's not taking prisoners tonight

he caught himself singing along to the chorus, puting all his pain and fear and anger into it.

Tyler woke up a few minutes earlier. he peaked from behind his arms, admiring Josh's singing. 

the drummer, had, well, severe stage fright. When they first went on tour in 2014, Josh vomited before almost every concert, to the point where Tyler was worried he had some kind of bulimia or stomach problems. he only joined the band under the condition he would never be forced to face the crowd with a mic. 

such a waste... his voice was beautiful and serene, he could easily be a vocalist himself. 

Josh's soul was standing in flames of his anxiety, and it didn't seam like they were about  to go out and leave him alone.

Why am I not scared in the morning? I don't hear those voices calling..

when the first tear appeared under his dark-chocolate eyes, Tyler decided to step in and stop the music.

"Josh?"

his voice came out way too soft. well, after the whole tour he sure did tear his throat. 

Josh would beat the moon in any beauty paegant. the crimson strands of his hair fell onto his neck and his cheeks, his dark chocolate eyes were glistening with tears.

"Ty! oh, uh, you woke up already? sorry, i probably woke you up with my singing..."

he tried to wipe off his tears, but Tyler stopped his hand.

"Josh, pull over. i'll take the wheel, you rest."

The driver was about to protest, but the concern etched in Tyler's face stopped him.

"A-Alright. just... drive carefuly."

Tyler wasn't a big fan of driving, especially after sunset. his eyesight wasn't the bestest of best in the dark, and contrary to himself, Josh never fell asleep in the car. that was, well, not suprising, taking in his anxiety, but it sometimes pissed Tyler off. 

|-/

after a week of their absence their home looked empty and soulless. while Josh went to the kitchen to create one of his culinary mirackles, Tyler locked himself in the bathroom. 

the bassess coming from Josh's earphones completly silenced the shower.

the Drummer turned the omlette a few times and threw it onto the plate. he prepared sweet tea for Tyler and black coffee for himself. he wasn't usualy a big fan of coffee, not without milk, cream and other additions, but he forgot to buy creamer and his old one was already spoiled. he plated the Omlette's, put the drinks on their table and lit Tyler's Candle. he once got it from TK max because it had skulls and stuff. honestly, Josh hated its Raspberry-and-Vanilla scent, for him it reeked of his red Hairdye.

Tyler. Where was he? a shower shouldn't take this long, even if he had to scrub his neck and arms off.

or maybe he was washing his hair with some extra stuff? after a week away from home it made some sense.

Josh decided to go and ask. he made dinner after all, it would be a shame to let it waste. 

he knocked on the bathroom door. 

The shower stoped and Josh heard a weak whisper 

"Come... come in"

Tyler sat againts the bathtub. he definently has been crying, but he must've wiped his tears when he heard Josh's knocking. he was shirltless, and he had small, almost white lines along his clearly visible ribs. a one-blade shaver layed right next to him on the floor. 

without the black paint and clancy's Jacket Tyler looked vulnerable and soft, more like a college graduade with a delicate dream than a 36-year-old succesful musician.

"'m sorry."

he mumbled, with his face hidden between his knees. Josh kneeled right next to him. 

"What happened?"

Josh reached for Tyler's face with the palm of his hand. 

"i just... I've neglected you for the last few weeks, i only focused on Clancy, and the tour and the music, and i didn't ask you if you were even sleeping, if you're managing your fear, if you've been doing anything to yourself, i didn't even ask about that book you were reading a few days ago. and when we were in the car i just got that itch again and-"

Tyler's muffled voice grew faster and faster with each word. Josh sat right next to him and helped Tyler lay his head on his lap. 

"..i didn't"

he whispered 

"I couldn't push myself to it. it felt too much like a betrayal."

Josh hugged this scrawny nad pathetic man, as he cried out the emptiness of the last few weeks. 

"Tyler? i made Omlettes with onion and spinach and tomato. im guessing you're probably hungry-"

"Oh god Joshie you're just the most perfect boy i could've met in that walmart, huh?"

His smirk was genuine, as far as Josh could see. 

"Im sorry. i made it seem like we were on diffrent continents even though we were on the same stage. "

Josh didn't care by now. maybe he should've told him how worried he was, or how lonely he felt. maybe he should cry too, maybe he should take his drumsticks from the car and play in the basement until he fainted.

but, well, he didn't. he just sat there and gave comfort. he'll play later. maybe cry too. 

but he'll do that later.