Chapter Text
Haruaki remembers that day as if it happened yesterday.
He remembers the quiet classroom after the last bell, the warm orange light falling across the desks, and the faint sound of students leaving the building somewhere beyond the windows.
Haruaki remembers him standing by the teacher's desk, sorting through worksheets and homework, trying to arrange everything into neat piles. He hadn't even noticed that Mikoto was still there at first, lingering near one of the desks, one hand in his pocket, apparently in no particular hurry to leave.
Haruaki assumed he had a question to ask, - perhaps something about the lesson.
Instead, Mikoto had looked at him and said, in the most indifferent voice imaginable:
- You know, Seimei, I like you.
The papers Haruaki had been diligently stacking into neat piles scattered across the floor with a rustling sound.
Huh...?
- Y-you are joking, right, Sano-kun..?!
- Unfortunately, I'm not.
- "Unfortunately"?!
No.
That wasn't right. That couldn't be possible.
Surely Sano-kun knew that too - he had to.
Surely this had to be a joke - it had to be.
A particularly cruel one, perhaps, but still just a joke.
Because what else could it possibly be?
Sano Mikoto was the most handsome student in all of Hyakki Academy. He was confident, clever, talented, and drew people's attention wherever he went. There was his completely unexpected yet utterly adorable weakness for cute things. Sano Mikoto could have anyone he wanted.
He was a God, after all.
And Haruaki…
Well.
Haruaki was Haruaki.
A clumsy, overly sensitive teacher who could barely go through an entire day without embarrassing himself somehow. A crybaby. A scaredy-cat. An easy target for teasing. Someone who on his almost thirties still had absolutely no idea what he was doing whenever the romance came up.
There was nothing about him that could make someone like Sano-kun fall in love with him.
If anything, Haruaki was the kind of person Sano-kun had to look after, not the kind of person he could possibly...
The thought was too absurd to finish
But why was Sano-kun looking at him like that?
- You're really joking... - Haruaki stubbornly said again, though this time it came out much quieter.
Mikoto raised an eyebrow.
- I already told you I'm not.
- But…
Haruaki almost wanted Sano-kun to laugh and to tell him that he'd been fooled.
Because that would be easy, - painful, definitely. But easy.
The alternative was impossible.
The alternative meant that Sano Mikoto somehow decided that his pathetic homeroom teacher was the person he wanted.
Haruaki couldn't dare believe that.
- Why would you even… - His voice trembled. - Why would you like someone like me?
Mikoto let out a long, irritated sigh, as though he'd been expecting Haruaki to ask exactly that. He crouched down and started picking up the papers one by one.
- Because you're you, Seimei.
As though that alone should have been enough.
Those words struck somewhere deep inside him.
Of course, Haruaki remembered them.
Whenever his doubts became too loud, whenever he wondered if he was really good enough to be a teacher - he remembered them.
Because you're you.
Sano-kun hadn't told him he was talented or impressive or special; instead, he had simply told Haruaki that being himself was enough.
He'd carried those words with him even when he was having bad days, cherishing them more than Sano-kun could have possibly known.
But hearing them now, after a confession, made something inside him tremble. Haruaki just froze there, absently looking down at Mikoto sitting beneath him.
- You... You said that before...
- And it's still true.
Haruaki's heart thudded painfully. He wanted to scream, to cover his ears, to do anything to make Sano-kun stop. He even opened his mouth, but his throat felt like it had been squeezed shut.
- You keep thinking you have to become someone else... But I don't want someone else.
Mikoto picked up one sheet of paper.
- I like the way you cry over stupid things.
Another.
- You worry about your students more than yourself.
And another.
- You remember everyone's in class 2-3 little habits.
And another.
- The way you get excited when you're talking about your sailor uniforms.
Mikoto stacked several sheets together, gaze remained fixed on the floor.
- I like your smile.
He was saying it so calmly that Haruaki wondered if he'd imagined the confession entirely. Or something in his brain just had been broken and now he's hearing things that couldn't possibly be there.
- And your laugh.
Mikoto had already gathered more than half of the scattered sheets.
- I like how easily you trust people.
Mikoto hesitated as if being unsure whether he should say the following words. He was silent for so long that Haruaki thought he might stop, but...
- And I like that you trust me.
Then he continued collecting the papers, stubbornly keeping his eyes lowered.
- And you never realise how truly... Handsome you are.
The last words Mikoto added almost in a whisper. He cleared his throat and picked up another sheet, immediately shoving it into the stack.
- And...
Mikoto finally gathered the last paper. Young god's fingers tightened around the thin stack in his hand.
- I like that you make me want to stay.
He straightened up, placing the papers neatly on the desk.
- I like a lot of things about you, Seimei. More than I probably should.
Mikoto finally glanced at Haruaki. His face was completely red now, but his expression was stubborn and strangely determined.
- So stop asking me why.
Their eyes finally met.
Haruaki's lower lip trembled.
Every Sano-kun's word had settled somewhere inside his chest, one after another, until there was hardly any room left for anything else.
He had spent almost his whole life believing there was nothing particularly special about himself; that he is doomed to remain for the rest of his life like that. The mere idea of being cherished felt almost frightening.
Haruaki's head was spinning, and he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment.
Sano-kun had just confessed to him.
The most handsome, reliable, wonderful boy Haruaki knew had told him, one by one, all the things he liked about him. Mikoto had said those things so casually, as though they were obvious.
As though Haruaki's smile was something worth adoring.
As though his appearance was something worth liking.
As though Haruaki himself, with all his flaws and insecurities, was someone worth loving.
Why are you saying all these things to me, Sano-kun…?
- I...
Haruaki's voice cracked, and he stopped immediately.
No.
If he spoke, he was going to cry for real.
He pressed his lips together, lowered his head, and dug his fingers deeper into the fabric of his sleeves as though he could somehow keep the tears from escaping.
It didn't work.
One tear slipped down his cheek, another followed. And then the tears came all at once.
He knew what he was supposed to say.
He also knew what Sano-kun wanted him to say.
Sano-kun.
Haruaki admired him. Trusted him. Relied on him.
And somewhere along the way, those feelings had grown into something Haruaki had never allowed himself to name... But that didn't make this right.
Sano-kun was still his student. Haruaki was his teacher.
Whatever he felt, whatever Sano-kun felt, there were lines that shouldn't be crossed.
This is wrong.
And yet…
When Sano-kun had said "I don't want someone else", that disgusting, selfish little part of Haruaki's heart had wanted to believe him immediately.
When Sano-kun had called him handsome, Haruaki had wanted to hear it again.
When Sano-kun had listed all those tiny things he loved about him, Haruaki had felt something warm and frightening bloom inside his chest.
He couldn't deny it.
He couldn't deny how happy Sano-kun's words had made him.
But still...
- I'm so sorry, Sano-kun…
His voice broke completely, breathing coming out as a small, miserable hiccup. Haruaki covered his face with both hands, shoulders trembling.
- Why are you apologizing?
His student's voice was quiet, almost tender, no irritation in it this time, and that made Haruaki's chest ache even more.
Haruaki shook his head, unable to look at Mikoto. His fingers curled tightly against his cheeks, trying desperately to wipe away the tears that wouldn't stop.
- I can't do this.
- I know.
The voice Haruaki heard was nothing like what he had expected - not angry, not disappointed, just… painfully attentive.
Haruaki withdrew his shaking hands from his face, now looking at the young god through wet eyelashes, blinking in confusion. Tears continued to fall down his cheeks as Mikoto went on.
- I mean… I wasn't confessing because I wanted an answer.
Mikoto rubbed the back of his neck, suddenly looking much more embarrassed than before. He took a small, almost hesitant step toward Haruaki, as if afraid of scaring him away.
- And I don't expect you to… Start dating me tomorrow.
They both flinched at the word "dating", and Haruaki cursed himself for feeling that tiny spark inside his chest, flickering even through the void of all this pain and anguish.
- Then… why?
Mikoto looked straight into Haruaki's reddened eyes and took one more tiny step forward, until he was standing within arm's reach.
- Because you deserved to know.
The words struck Haruaki with a force he hadn't expected, and for a moment, he could only stare at Mikoto, forgetting to cry, forgetting to breathe.
You deserved to know.
Then tears started to fall faster.
Because suddenly, Haruaki felt as though Sano-kun was protecting him again; he hadn't pushed, he hadn't demanded an answer.
Even now, when Sano-kun was the one who had put all these impossible, obviously complicated feelings into words, he was still thinking about him.
- I know you're my homeroom teacher. Not the model one, but still.
Haruaki stared at him. Mikoto said it with his usual tone, - voice dry, mildly annoyed, and just a little insulting, - as though he was trying to make the situation feel ordinary again. But his cheeks were still flushed, and he stubbornly refused to look Haruaki directly in the eyes.
Haruaki stared at him through tear-filled eyes.
Then a tiny sound escaped his throat.
- Pff.. H-hah...
It was supposed to be a laugh, but it came out as something halfway between a chuckle and a sob. Haruaki covered his mouth immediately.
- S-sorry... I didn't mean to --
- Good.
Mikoto's mouth curved into a quiet, almost relieved smile.
Then his hand slowly rose until his fingers stopped just beside Haruaki's cheek.
Mikoto looked uncertain, almost shy, but he finally let his fingertips brush gently against his teacher's wet cheek.
Haruaki froze at the unfamiliar, inappropriate but yet so yearned tenderness of the touch. He knew that he's not allowed to feel this way. He knew that he's supposed to pull away.
But instead he leaned into Mikoto's palm slightly, allowing him to gently wipe away the tears.
Mikoto said nothing, - he just slowly, carefully wiped away the tear trailing down Haruaki's cheek with his thumb.
- I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that, - Haruaki whispered, leaning a little more into his student's touch.
- And you don't have to do anything.
Mikoto's thumb brushed gently beneath Haruaki's eye once more before before pulling away.
- Just remember it.
As if it was possible to forget.
Mikoto let his hand fall to his side and cleared his throat, his gaze shifted away again.
- But after I graduate…
He paused. Mikoto lowered his gaze for a moment, seemingly gathering the courage to say what came next. But then he looked straight at Haruaki.
- I'm not letting you go away.
His face was still bright red, and the tips of his ears were burning, yet there was no hesitation in his eyes. It sounded like something he'd already decided long ago.The afternoon light fell across Mikoto's face, catching the determined look in his eyes.
Haruaki suddenly found it too difficult to look away, - and perhaps he didn't want to.
The young god stood before him, flushed and embarrassed yet so unwaveringly certain, and Haruaki thought he had never seen anyone look more beautiful.
This was Sano-kun.
The coolest, the most handsome Sano-kun who could make practically anyone fall for him with a single look.
And yet now his cheeks were red, his ears were burning, and there was a barely concealed nervousness behind that stubborn expression.
Because of Haruaki.
Because of me.
Haruaki blinked, his eyes immediately stung again. His lips parted, but no sound came out. He swallowed and tried again, but...
- Don't give me that look like you're going to start crying again.
The familiar irritated voice suddenly came back as if the magic had dissipated.
- I-I am not going to..!
- You already look like you are.
- I am not!
He was.
He absolutely was.
Haruaki's cheeks puffed up in an indignant pout, tears still clinging to his eyelashes, and then Mikoto added in the most casual tone possible:
- You're cute when you cry, you know that?
Haruaki made a small, offended noise in a response.
- S-S-Sano-kun..!