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1. Candidate of Unparalleled Merit by malfoyesque

   Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling  

   • Explicit
   • No Archive Warnings Apply
   • F/M
   • Work in Progress

   08 Sep 2026

   Tags

   • No Archive Warnings Apply
   • Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy
   • Draco Malfoy
   • Hermione Granger
   • Ginny Weasley
   • Blaise Zabini
   • Theodore Nott
   • Academic Rivalry
   • Hogwarts Eighth Year
   • Enemies to Lovers
   • Rivals to Lovers
   • Dubious Consent
   • Romantic Comedy
   • Gratuitous Smut
   • smutmedy
   • Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE
   • Sex Portals
   • Sex Toys
   • Draco Malfoy is a Little Shit
   • Hermione Granger is a Little Shit
   • Public Orgasms
   • Sabotage
   • Competition
   • POV Draco Malfoy
   • POV Hermione Granger
   • Porn with Plot
   • Anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts
   • Ministry of Magic Galas & Balls (Harry Potter)
   • Weaponised Dancing
   • Weaponised Orgasms
   • Orgasm Denial
   • Forced Orgasm
   • Honestly if there's an orgasm that exists its probably in here
   • Inappropriate Use of Malfoy Signet Ring (Harry Potter)
   • Inappropriate Use of Sex Toys (Don't worry this will make sense in a minute)
   • Is that a magic sex toy in your pocket or are you just my worst fucking enemy i hate you
   • MILF Narcissa Black Malfoy
   • Side pairing Theo/Everything that moves
   • No one gets pregnant for once
   • romcom
   • RomCum

   Summary

   Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger are both vying for the same competitive Ministry Internship.
   It'll go to the candidate with the best grades. The widest range of extra-curriculars. The most impressive essay.
   They're both very stressed about it.
   But when independent attempts at "stress relief" somehow link their sex toys together---

   Let The C.U.M. Wars begin.

   ———————————————————————

   Draco’s body went cold as he watched it, slow-motion as it pattered staccato against her lips.
   Tap-tap. Tap-tap. Tap-tap.
   Like a fucking heartbeat. Which he knew. Because his own had stopped dead.
   He knew that pattern. That rhythm. Knew how it felt to tap against soft, plush lips.
   Oh, Draco thought, as his mouth fell open in response.
   …
   Oh, fuck.

   Language:

   English

   Words:

   16,263

   Chapters:

   2/5

   Collections:

   1

   Comments:

   133

   Kudos:

   420

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   Hits:

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