Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

After years of isolation, both forced and self-imposed, Haruka thought he would never actively seek out company. Not when company would bring along sneers, glares and accusing fingers. Staring at a wall in his shed and letting the hours pass seemed much more appealing than hanging around a bunch of faceless people who where not worth his time. Like that, he used to spend his days in a small, empty and bare world of his own, slipping back into reality only when he came across the wrong kind of crowd. The kind that was out for blood, too big mouths and too much pride.

Yes, that Haruka would have scoffed at him now. Not that he would blame him, though. That past version of him didn't know any better. Couldn't have known, at that point.

But Haruka has spent almost two years in Makochi now, and he's been pushed, pulled, kicked, punched and prodded out of isolation. He has learnt he is not a loner like he forced himself to believe. With no need for self-imposed isolation, he seeks out the crowds of vendors who know him by name, greets them good morning and good evening. Seeks the crowds of dark green uniforms who welcome him with open arms, or the ones in orange bomber jackets or stylish suits.

He seeks out company.

He likes his alone time and values his independence, but he loves company. Sometimes to a degree it scares him. The part of him that craves has grown smaller over time; it seems that the more Haruka opens up to people, the more friends he makes, the more it settles.

Still, two people have taken to spoiling that side of him too much, it seemed.

Suo and Nirei spend hours with him everyday. They are together during classes and most patrols, and they insist on dragging him around town during weekends. And he knows he has grown spoiled, because like any spoiled child would, Haruka doesn't think it's enough. It stirs that something inside that is no longer in a constant frenzy but it's also never satisfied. It's only made worse by the way Nirei and Suo manage to make time fly when they are together. It frustrates Haruka to no end, making him grind his teeth each time he steals a glance at a clock, willing it to slow down, go back a few rounds and give him more time to just be with them.

Even if they tease, even if they make his heart race and his face burn, he still longs for more. It's weird, it's embarrassing, and it's all he wants; to be closer to them, to spend more time together, get to know them better.

(More and more, as always).

It gets a little overwhelming at first, wanting something he doesn't know how to get. He barely knows how to make friends, let alone how to get closer to them. But eventually he figures that if talking is a good way to get to know new people, then talking more should bring them closer. Not that they don't do that when they are together, but if Haruka wants to feel close to them even when they are in the same room, he has to go for the next best thing: texting.

So, he starts texting more. Or tries to, at least, but he still finds pressing keys too tedious, and coming up with topics or deciding how to reply to a never ending string of messages is hard. He knows he's not much better in real life conversations either, but texting adds a shit ton of rules he barely understands and gets rid of the few things he does, like tone and facial expressions.

Haruka is committed though, too tired of letting technology beat him and too determined to give up. And he does find a middle ground, eventually, once he resorts to sending pictures instead. Whether they are related to the conversation, with or without caption, his friends seems to appreciate them all the same.

It started the day an overeager dog ran off its leash and an promptly decided to tackle him on his way home from school. The fluffy beast licked all over his face before its very apologetic owner, a young girl, managed to get it off of him. Admittedly, Haruka was a bit shocked, but as he took a proper look at the dog, an idea occurred to him.

He thought the request would sound weird to the girl, but maybe not weird enough, because a few minutes later he was sharing the blurry picture of the dog to their group chat, with the caption 'a dog tackled me'.

('Oh? It looks like such a good boy though.'

'IKR!! But it tackled you?? Are you alr, Sakura-san?' 

'He reminded me of you, Nirei.'

'Could it be because of golden fluff, Sakura-kun? Or is it its cute smile?'

'Yes.

 His breath stank, too.'

'Sakura-san wdym?? :(' )

After the first one was well received, he kept going, finding it much easier than constantly having to agonise over messages. A picture of the box of colourful mochis forced on him during patrol, a selfie with half his face cut out and Tsubaki on the background, even the one Kotoha called a "candid photo" of him at Pothos. He sends all kinds of random pics to their group chat of three, eliciting a string of responses that he enjoys reading over and answering at his own pace.

Texting is for when they are not together though, and if Haruka intends to shorten those moments as much as possible, he can't stop there. Because it's still not enough.

He thinks he's being subtle, that he isn't rising suspicion when he starts going out of his way to stretch their time together. Maybe he lashes out a little when Nirei questions why Haruka suddenly wants him to change their patrol rotation (so they are grouped together more often). Perhaps he stutters through a few words when he asks Suo to prepare some tea with the set he got him recently (Suo always indulges him, even though Haruka always asks right as he is getting ready to leave.) And, ok, he might have stared at the ground too long that one time before their left for their training session, as he struggled to invite them over for dinner at his place. Haruka would have joined them, but Nirei always seemed mildly uncomfortable with the idea of him tagging along, so he gave them their space (he could use the time to get started with dinner, anyway).

("Kotoha says I'm good enough to fend for myself now, and she's been lending me the old kitchen stuff she doesn't use at Pothos, so…"

He rolls a strangely fascinating pebble around with the sole of his shoe, and stuffs his hands in his pockets when the way they hang at his sides starts feeling too awkward.

"It won't be anything fancy, of course, and… I don't really know about the taste either. So I guess it's fine if you guys don't want to come, actually. You'll probably be tired anyways…"

Haruka stops himself there. He doesn't know why he's saying that, he sounds lame even to himself, and he is not being truthful either; he actually really wants them to come, and getting turned down would upset him a great deal.

Frustrated and angry at himself all of a sudden, he looks up from the stupid pebble to his friends, only to find them staring at him.

Distantly, Haruka finds the differences of their shocked expressions funny: Suo's eye shines so bright it's almost dazzling, his eyebrows are all the way up to his hairline, his mouth is set on a thin line and the muscles of his jaw clench and unclench. At his side, Nirei grips at his shoulder with an iron fist, probably for support. His lips part on a gasp when Haruka looks his way, and his eyebrows are scrunched together as he tries to keep the mistiness of his eyes from spilling over.

Haruka is not sure if those are good signs or not, but thankfully Suo comes back online before he has time to wonder too much.

"Nirei-kun, I'm afraid we have used up all our luck this year. We might be in serious trouble for the remaining months."

"Tha-That's fine! When it comes to Sakura-san's home cooking, it's totally worth it!!" he says, rubbing at his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket, and Suo nods fervently in agreement.

When Haruka embarrassingly chokes trying to spit every insult he can think of at the same time, he kicks the pebble he had been playing with at them and hurriedly turns around to start his walk home.

"You guys are actually the worst, forget I said anything!" he yells back and deliberately avoids looking back at them, too aware of the heat raising from his face to the tips of his ears.

"We'll text you when we're done, Sakura-san!"

"Sakura-kun, remember you have to say 'welcome back' to us!"

"Shut-UP. Don't come!")

That false sense of security and his confidence on his subtlety makes it all the more mortifying when Nirei finally points out his recent change in attitude.

It all comes to ahead at a sleepover, or a hangout that is on its ways to turn into a sleepover at least, once Haruka shyly suggests Nirei is welcomed to stay over if he doesn't feel like walking all the way home.

He can tell Nirei wants to accept, his eyes go all starry and he hears a small squeal of excitement get stuck in his throat. But when he goes to speak he freezes, as if someone had literally pressed the pause button on him. Haruka waits for him to unfreeze, to move or say something. When Nirei continues to stare at him, his mouth hanging open but no words coming out, Haruka worries he's not actually breathing.

"Are… are you good?" he asks, as he waves a hand in front of Nirei's face.

That seems to do the trick. Nirei comes back to himself, and he sputters quick apologies at the same speed a subtle blush settles over his freckles. It makes them pop out, Haruka thinks, I kind of want to poke at them. Or something. He shakes the thought out of his head when he notices Nirei is looking at him expectantly.

"Sorry, what was that?" he asks, and tries to not let Nirei's anxious fidgeting with the buttons of his shirt distract him again.

"I said," Nirei repeats, "is there a reason? You know, for inviting me over?"

The question is innocent enough, and there's nothing in his tone that hints at Nirei being particularly bothered or angry. Even so, Haruka feels himself instinctually bracing for rejection. He hates the way his heart skips a beat for all the wrong reasons, and the way something in him goes very still with apprehension.

"I mean, you don't have to—" he tries, because he figures taking the stupid offer back is the next best step.

"No! Sakura-san, don't get me wrong, of course I want to! I didn't mean it like that, I just— ugh, here, it'll be easier if I just show you."

Reaching for his schoolbag, Nirei takes out a notepad. In the two seconds glance he gets before Nirei opens and shoves it in his hands, Haruka recognises it as the one he uses to keep track of his vice captain duties. Despite his surprise, he is just fast enough to catch it before it falls, and he grunts annoyed at his friend.

"Sorry, sorry," Nirei grimaces, apologetic. Then he points to the page he opened before. "Here, this is what I wanted to show you— sorry for the messy handwriting, by the way. I've always gripped my pen too tightly, and my letters are really small because I tend to run out of space, it's a bad habit—"

"Nirei." Haruka interrupts. He doesn't mean for his tone to come out as cold as it does, although it does reflect the way the blood under his skin cools down several degrees, carrying a fore-bonding chill all throughout his body. "What is this?" he asks.

"It's the class' patrol schedule. Suo-san and I usually sort it out together at the start of each month, once the third years figure out the rotations. It pretty much stays the same every month, but here, see the red writing? Those are all the times I've modified it these last few weeks. See? Like here, and…"

Nirei goes on, carried away by his usual enthusiasm for his notes, which sends him into long rambles about his thought process and his system. Overtime, Haruka has grown familiar with his friend's habit, fond even. At present, however, Nirei's voice dissolves into background noise, swallowed by the buzzing that washes over his senses.

Haruka really thought he had been sneaky about it all, that any changes would be brushed off as his general awkwardness. Staring at the page in front of him, he realises it had been so obvious from the start. Haruka thought it had been only a few times—maybe once or twice every other week—that he would ask to patrol with his vice captains specifically, regardless of the schedule.

The red ink staring at him told a different tale, however. It was a glaring accusation, a red alarm screaming at him that he had not gone under the radar, nor had his selfishness.

Not only was he apparently hoarding and clinging to his vice captains, he had also made their work harder for them, and pushed his own workload onto the rest of their classmates too. His requests to patrol together more often, to leave early, to hang out after school, all his dumb swings translated to crossed out or added names to the schedule, big question marks, and scribbles all over.

All this time, everyone had been going out of their way to accommodate him. Haruka would like to think that no one said anything sooner because it's not really as bad as it looks to him, but he knows his friends. They're good and nice and understanding, and he likes that about them. But it's probably because they are the way they are that they haven't said anything. After all, Haruka knows they have a soft spot for him, that they are always extra patient with him. It would make sense if that was the reason for their silence, just as Nirei being the one tasked with finally telling him would too.

Nirei is good at uncomfortable conversations. He would know how to tell Haruka that he's been inconveniencing them, that he's been annoying, too clingy, and that he needs to stop. Yes, Nirei would know how to word it all without sounding like an asshole, but Haruka is hit with the sudden realisation that he really, really doesn't want to hear it, no matter how much Nirei manages to sugarcoat it.

The resolve is the result of the fear that remains when the kid that spent his days in a shed and the teen that got used to his friends' warmth clash and crash and yet fail to kill each other. It leaves Haruka feeling off centred, not sure how to face the imminent rejection, or how to apologise for imposing when he knew he should have just… stayed in the shed.

"Leave," he whispers, his lips barely moving around the word.

Nirei, whose ramblings had only been fuelled by Haruka's silent spiralling, falls silent immediately, leaving his last sentence hanging halfway through. Haruka doesn't look up at him, his eyes are stuck on the red scribbles on the notebook's page. He can no longer make sense of it, the ink moving around and playing tricks on him until all he sees is the physical proof of his stupid neediness.

"Ah— I'm sorry, what?" Nirei asks. Distantly, he thinks there's a certain note in his voice, maybe hope that he had misheard, or fear that he hadn't. Haruka isn't sure, and the silence that follows grates against him, charged in a way he's not used to. He's familiar with the silence right before a fight breaks out, tensions high and waiting to be snapped. This is nothing like that, the tension around them is begging to be defused—too bad Haruka is no good at it.

"Just go!" he snaps, hastily shoving the notebook in Nirei's hands. He turns and heads towards his apartment's door to avoid having to look at him as he fumbles to get a grip on it. He'll find time to feel guilty about being rough with the notebooks he knows Nirei cherishes later. Right now, he needs him out.

Nirei scrambles to follow, hurriedly picking up his bag and shoving the offending notebook inside. Haruka is silently relieved he doesn't have to look at it (or avoid doing so) anymore, but still curses inwardly when Nirei stops by the counters right before reaching the entrance.

"Sakura-kun, I can go, just— Please, talk to me. What happened? Was it something I said?"

Nirei is good at conversations that don't involve active physical fighting, but Haruka isn't. He's certainly been trying to get better. He texts, asks to hang out and invites people over, even cooks for them. It's the fact that he had somehow managed to screw it up (and even take advantage of his friends in the process) that annoys him, and the thought that they might have been too nice to tell him scares him.

Haruka does like that Nirei is good at this, though. And it's only that reminder—that his friend is trying his best to make sense of his fuck ups so he can fix them—that stops him from grinding his teeth in exasperation. Instead, he draws in a breath to steady himself.

"Nothing happened," he starts, "I just changed my mind, I want to be—" alone, is what he meant to say, but his voice gives out right before he can form the word, like the memory of four walls and endless hours of nothing got stuck in his throat all of a sudden.

"I just don't wanna talk about it now." It's what he ends up settling for, hoping that Nirei understands, even if Haruka himself doesn't.

Of course, because Nirei is nothing short of the smartest person Haruka knows, he does understand. Maybe not fully, but he must come to the conclusion that giving him space is the best option, because after a few moments of silent contemplation he backs off.

"I understand, Sakura-san. I wont push it," he says, as he bends down to put on his shoes. Haruka gets the door for him, the single olive branch he can offer at the moment, even if he still can't look at Nirei in the eye or anywhere near his face (and how lame is that, really?).

He goes to close the door once Nirei walks through, fully intending to skip the awkward goodbyes, but Nirei's hand latches onto his wrist. With a jolt, Haruka finally looks up at him. It's a flash, over as soon as it happened, but it's too late. Nirei's fiery eyes and the hard set of his jaw are burned in Haruka's mind now, and it makes him feel some sort of way he can't quite decipher at the moment.

"Please come to school tomorrow, Sakura-san." His tone is resolute, it leaves no place for arguments, even though he is technically making a request.

Haruka is at a loss for words, too focused on the image of those fiery eyes and the scorching sensation of his grip for speech. He settles for nodding his head, not sure whether he means it or not. As fleeting as his agreement is though, it's seems to satisfy Nirei well enough that he lets go of Haruka's wrist. Finally, after wishing him good night, he's gone.

Haruka is alone now, a thousand thoughts fighting for his attention, and yet his head is still stuck trying to decide which burns hotter, Nirei's eyes, his touch, or Haruka's own shame.

The door slams shut behind him.

.

.

.

The week that follows is… awkward.

Nirei doesn't try to get him to talk after the first few tries that Haruka shoots down, silently relenting and giving him space instead. As for him, Haruka does his best not to push his friend away just because he's embarrassed. Which means that, while he doesn't outright avoid Nirei, he stops seeking him out as much.

Apparently, this is rather strange and very noticeable behaviour, judging by the concerned sideway glances their classmates shoot their way every time they so much as breath near each other. As worried as they may be though, none of them comment on the matter, seemingly trusting their captains to solve their issues alone.

Although, now that Haruka thinks about it, maybe they are waiting for their other vice captain to take the lead.

Suo, for his part, seems all too happy to let them sort it out between themselves. It's off putting at first; if not Kiryuu, Haruka was sure Suo would be the first one to comment on the tension between him and Nirei. And yet, he remains weirdly neutral to the matter. If he's worried about his friends or annoyed at having to play mediator, he doesn't show it.

Haruka is secretly thankful for Suo's unexpected approach, and he fully intends to take advantage of it for at least one more week. Or that was the plan, until he overhears a conversation between Suo and Sugishita, of all people.

He was on his way back from the rooftop, frustrated that the fresh air hadn't done as much to clear his head as he'd hoped, when Sugishita's voice coming from their classroom stopped him in his tracks. He had thought everyone would have gone home by then (was betting on it, too, not really in the mood to chat or mingle), but perhaps Sugishita had fallen asleep and stayed back as usual.

Suo's voice however, that one was certainly unexpected.

"And what would you suggest I do, Sugishita-kun?" Suo asked, his tone tilting towards annoyance in the slight way most tended to miss.

"How would I know? This is the first time I've seen them… like that," came Sugishita's response. Haruka caught onto what they were probably discussing (there were few things Sugishita would bother speaking up for, and Nirei—as well as Haruka's shortcomings—was somehow one of them), and suddenly he found himself wrestling with both the need to not be there and the urge to hear everything at the same time.

"Certainly, I can't say I remember them being so out of sorts around each other either. Though I'm surprised, Sugishita-kun, with you being asleep half of the time, I didn't think you'd notice."

"Hard not to when it's all everyone whispers about all day. Besides, I don't think it's fair Nirei has to walk on eggshells just because that dumbass messed up."

The rest of the conversation was lost to Haruka. He had slid away before he could overhear Suo's answer. Not that he wishes he had heard it, anyway. On the contrary, although his ankle still throbs from twisting it in his hurry to escape, Haruka is more bothered by the weight of Sugishita's words in his chest; he doesn't need the added pressure of Suo's opinion on the issue.

It's not all bad though. Haruka thinks it's nice to know Nirei's got someone exclusively on his side. Not that there are sides to be taken. They're not technically arguing, nor would their friends cast aside any one of them for the other if they were. They do, however, tend to prioritise Haruka's feelings. He can't exactly blame them, what with his record of letting things eat at him in silence and his poor social skills.

Which is precisely what he's been doing, again. Haruka has been unfair, avoiding the issue and letting his doubts and feeling stew with no real outlet or progress, and behaving like an asshole overall. Yet Nirei respectfully keeps his distance while he waits for Haruka to sort himself out so they can talk, even though the issue must be eating at him too. He, too, prioritises Haruka's feelings over his own.

But Sugishita doesn't care to baby Haruka like that, he has never spared his feelings, and he obviously isn't about to start now. That he went to Suo first and not to Haruka right away was an unusual kindness coming from him, although it was probably for Nirei's sake rather than his.

For what it counts, Haruka is glad Nirei's got someone on his corner who will stick up for him even if it means antagonizing Haruka. That being said, he's not eager to get an earful from Sugishita of all people.

It's that fact, ultimately, that pushes him to actually do something about the issue (not that Haruka will ever admit to Sugishita having anything to do with it).

He doesn't feel like he can face Nirei just yet though, not when his fear of rejection makes his thoughts spiral in his head and his words stick to his throat. He doesn't want to vent everything on Nirei and leave him to do all the emotional work again, it just wouldn't be fair.

Instead, he goes to someone just as good as Nirei on the emotional bullshit stuff.

.

.

.

By the time Haruka makes it to the little tea store it's raining and he's just shy of soaking wet.

Maybe the sudden dark clouds covering the sky of an otherwise sunny day wouldn't have caught him by surprise if he had checked the weather before going out, but as it is, he was too worried getting his thoughts in order to remember.

"Sakura, over here!" He hears from further inside the store. When he turns towards the voice Tsubaki is waving him over from one of the more secluded tables at the back, a smile lightning up his face beautifully.

Before he can make his way towards him however, Haruka is intercepted by a young waiter that hands him a towel for his hair and even offers to lend him a work uniform to change into, so he doesn't have to sit around in wet clothes. He tries to refuse, but the waiter insists.

"It's no trouble at all, Sakura-san, really. What kind of establishment would we be if we didn't look after our customers?"

So he gives up and goes to tell Tsubaki to wait for him while he changes in the bathroom. When he steps out again, a different waiter takes his wet clothes from him and promises to have them dry and returned before he leaves. Haruka doesn't even get a chance to protest this time—he's promptly guided back to his table and seated before he manages to get a word out. Just when he resigns himself to at least being glad the embarrassing interaction is over, he hears a poorly stifled giggle coming from his companion. Haruka rises a questioning eyebrow at Tsubaki once he catches his eye.

"Here to take my order, Sakura?" he jokes, lighthearted.

"Shut it, it's bad enough as it is," Haruka says, tugging at the hem of his lent uniform and messing up his fringe self-consciously.

Tsubaki giggles a bit more, but he ultimately drops it in favour of asking about the waiters.

"It seemed like you knew each other, do you come here often?"

"Sort of, I guess," he answers. Tsubaki passes him the menu, but he just leaves it to the side of the table. "Suo likes it here, says the atmosphere is nice or something. I've tagged along a few times. The staff here really likes Suo, so…" He shrugs, not quite sure how to end that sentence.

"So they're quite taken with you too, huh?" Tsubaki finishes for him, nodding to himself.

"We are!" The young waiter from before jumps in suddenly, approaching from Haruka's blind side and making him almost jump out of his skin. He looks at Haruka funny as he clutches his chest in an attempt to calm his racing heart, and promptly ignores him in favour of taking Tsubaki's order.

"Got it, I'll be back with everything in a few minutes!" he says, then takes the menu from them and walks away.

"You're not ordering anything, Sakura?" Tsubaki asks, looking over him with worry written all over his face. Haruka huffs, fondly exasperated. It's nice to be reminded his friends know him enoguh to notice when he's got something on his mind.

And he does, of course. It's the whole reason he invited Tsubaki out today. He can tell it was the right call too, although his stomach had been tying itself in knots lately, already he can feel that tension unwind just by being here together. At least enough to enjoy some tea and sweat treats.

"Don't worry, they already know my order," he reassures, and Tsubaki relaxes noticeably. Then, a dreamy look settles over his face.

"So you come here with Suo a lot, huh?" he muses, just to wave off Haruka's following questioning frown.

They chat for a while after they get their orders, and Haruka is glad to find that the sweet taste of the tiramisú and Tsubaki's enthusiastic tales about the dancing academy he's been attending since graduating work wonders to ease his anxious thoughts. By the time he insists Haruka tell him how things have been on his side, he only needs to be prodded a few times to spill his guts.

Haruka talks for what feels like hours; he doesn't linger on his years of isolation (because the topic always brings tears to Tsubaki's eyes) but he goes over the scars his past life left him with, his yearning for connection and how he feels like he might have forced his feeling onto his friends. He keeps the conversation between Sugishita and Suo to himself though (he would take that knowledge to his grave, thank you very much).

"Even now, after causing so much trouble, I still want to spend more time together," he admits. He feels the shame creeping up on him and tries to distract himself from it while pushing the last bite of dessert around the plate with his spoon. "It's embarrassing, being so… needy."

Tsubaki doesn't say anything for a while, but when Haruka takes a peek at his face there's no judgment, so he lets himself relax minutely. His senior is looking up at the ceiling, as if they were having a silent conversation, pondering Haruka's words.

"Say, Sakura," Tsubaki starts a few seconds later. "Do you think I'm desperate, or lame, for being so open about my feelings?"

Tsubaki poses the question innocently enough, his tone is neutral and his face doesn't give anything away, and yet a cold wave of something like hostility washes over Haruka.

"Has someone been bothering you at your classes?" he asks instead of answering, because it has happened before, and if someone is talking shit about Tsubaki then Haruka would like to know.

But Tsubaki just smiles at him, "I take it you don't think like that, then?"

"Of course not! Why would— What's gotten into you!?" he asks, getting exasperated. Tsubaki just takes a sip of his tea, probably trying to hide a small knowing smile behind the cup, which Haruka notices only because he's so used to Suo doing the exact same thing so often.

The quite hum he makes as he puts the cup back down rings familiar too, and he gets the sense that his response was exactly as Tsubaki had expected.

"And how about when I hug you? Don't you think I'm at least a bit annoying then?"

Yes, is his knee-jerk reaction, but it rings false in his head. Truth be told, Tsubaki's penchant for physical contact was new and overwhelming at first, and even now he finds it hard not to squirm under his eager squishing. The contact used to feel like sandpaper against his skin, and it left his mind at war; one side waiting for the pain it learned to expect after touch, the other shyly asking for more. Luckily, Haruka has grown used to Tsubaki's loving gestures over time, at least enough not to recoil from them.

"I… don't hate it," is what he settles for, and it's still not enough to properly convey how he feels, but he fears that elaborating too much will result in tears, and he hasn't learned how to deal with people crying yet.

Still, Tsubaki smiles like he gets it anyway, and the fondness painted over his features has Haruka looking away, suddenly mesmerized by the remaining half of his dessert.

"It's a relief to hear that, Sakura, although I hope you know you can always tell me to stop. I promise I won't feel offended," he says.

Haruka can only offer a meager nod in response, the implicit care and respect in that statement and the turmoil of emotions from the previous questions getting to be too much.

Tsubaki claps his hands in front of him in an apologetic gesture. "Sorry, I know I'm not making much sense right now," he says, as if reading Haruka's mind. "I only have a few more questions, I promise I have a point!"

"It's alright," he sighs, because even though he's much more used to Kotoha's direct approach to dealing with his bullshit, he had decided to trust Tsubaki specifically, and his senior had agreed to meet up on one of his rare days off. The least he can do is be patient. "I already spilled my guts out anyway," Haruka shrugs.

Tsubaki takes it in stride. "Great!" he cheers, and without making a pause asks, "Have you ever thought I looked ugly around Ume-chan?"

Haruka looks him dead in the eye. "Hey, don't go fishing for compliments. I know what you're doing!"

"Why, I'm sure I don't know what you mean," Tsubaki singsongs, way too smug for someone who surely doesn't know what he means.

But Haruka is being patient, so he grinds his teeth and walks willingly into the trap.

"Of course I've never thought that. You look… pretty," he admits. "When you're around Umemiya, it's— you…" He motions with his hands, trying to grasp at the correct words to describe exactly how the air around Tsubaki changes when he's… unashamedly himself, but he comes up short.

"You… glow," he mumbles.

"Wahh! My Sakura turned out to be such a charmer, who would've thought!" Tsubaki coos, fanning himself with his hands.

Haruka refuses to acknowledge him. He walked into that, he just has to bear it a little longer until Tsubaki settles back down.

Curiously, his eyes latch onto his senior's flailing hands, and he notes that his neatly manicured nails are much longer than they used to be last year. A sense of satisfaction/? settles in his chest at the sight; he's privately glad Tsubaki can indulge himself now that he's not constantly getting into fistfights anymore.

It's a nice thought. Haruka even lets it drown out the cooing for a minute, but even though he is being patient, the longer it goes on, the closest he is to snapping.

"Are you done?" he asks, sending a pointed glare Tsubaki's way. It seems to do the trick, and his senior collects himself before picking up where he left off.

"Sorry, sorry. I couldn't help it, it's nice to know that's how you see me. But, well…" Tsubaki trails off, face going back to a carefully neutral expression. "What about Ume, do you think he finds me annoying for liking him?" 

Haruka almost bites his tongue in his haste to answer.

"Of course not, how could—" he starts at first, planning to follow it with something like 'how could Umemiya, of all people, dismiss love like that?', but then thinks 'how could anyone dislike being liked by Tsubaki, of all people', and then it doesn't matter because Tsubaki can tell what he wants to say and cuts him off anyway.

"That's funny, Sakura," he says, "I was thinking the same about you."

The statement sends a shock through Haruka. In an instant his thoughts disperse, the air gets stuck in his throat and his mouth hangs open dumbly, waiting for words that never form. His eyes roam Tsubaki's face, a useless attempt at reading an expression that, even if Haruka's thoughts weren't fried, is too closed off to decipher.

If Tsubaki notices the effect of his words, and he probably does, he doesn't care. He just goes on talking relentlessly.

"You see, even though you keep jumping to defend my feelings, you don't seem to notice how quick you're to disregard your own. Don't get me wrong, I think it's good that you worry about your friends. But do you notice how little leniency you leave for yourself?"

"I— I mean—" he jumps to defend, only to deflate midway when he realises he's not too sure what he's trying to defend. "I just… don't want bother them, not when they already do so much for me."

"What do you think will happen if you do bother them?"

Haruka can't say it, what he thinks will happen if his friends become upset at him. Doesn't want to speak it into existence. Still, the haunting memory of years of isolation resurfaces with vengeance, pushing against his lungs and heart and clogging his throat, and he grimaces against the feeling.

Tsubaki notices his chocked up state and his expression softens minutely in understanding.

"Sakura, your friends won't pull away just because they might have to go a little out of their way to be there for you."

Pausing, Tsubaki moves his hand to hover over Haruka's tightly clenched fist over the table. It's a silent offer, one he could easily let pass… but he doesn't. He nods once, looking away from their table, and Tsubaki understands. His hand settles over Haruka's fist gently, barely there, and yet the contact serves as an anchor to his otherwise spiraling mind.

"And if they do have an issue," Tsubaki continues, purposely ignoring the silent interaction, "you have to trust they will come talk to you. Friends don't throw each other away at the first sign of trouble, especially not yours. But I'm sure you know this by now, don't you?"

Tsubaki is right, of course. Haruka does know the kind of people his friends are, how relentless and fierce their support is. They have been over countless of hardships since they met, and they have never backed down. In fact, anyone could tell those same hardships were exactly what solidified their bonds.

Put into perspective, it seems obvious that no one, let alone Nirei, would actually find it that troublesome to go the extra mile for him. Considering all he himself has put them through so far, a change of schedule does seem pretty mild in comparison. It's not that he's suddenly ok with pushing his whims onto his classmates, but as Tsubaki had said, they wouldn't let it come between their friendship. No, they would definitely try talking to him first.

In retrospective, Haruka can see that's what Nirei had been tying to do, that day back at his place. He had probably been trying to figure what was going on with him, but Haruka had immediately assumed the worst and had all but kicked him off. It was clear now why everything had become twisted in his head; there was no way Nirei would ever tell him off just like that, but at the time his fear of rejection had been so close to the surface Haruka couldn't see past it. The feeling is there even now, but talking to Tsubaki and having him point out the obvious was like lifting its curtain.

Still, that only makes this whole mess all the more embarrassing for him.

"I— sure, I guess so…" he mumbles, taking his hand away from Tsubaki's to fidget with an inexplicable fascinating napkin as he feels his treacherous face warm up.

"Oh? Why the sudden shyness?" Tsubaki teases, the amusement in his tone causing Haruka to lash out.

"Well I feel stupid now! I made this into a big mess and got too carried away and you just— you make it sound so obvious!"

"Sorry, Sakura," Tsubaki chuckles, not unkindly. "I swear it's totally normal to get too caught up in your head. Sometimes you just need someone to bring you back to earth, I'm glad I could be of help, really."

Someone to bring him back to earth, Haruka muses. That's a good way too put it.

"Thank you," he says, fighting to keep his eyes on Tsubaki's, or at least his face. "For putting up with me," he manages not to choke on the words, because he's grown since his first year in Makochi and he can power through something as simple as saying thank you now.

Tsubaki beams at him and smiles something bright. "It's my pleasure, Sakura," he reassures. Then, a frown settles over his face and his mouth pulls down in a pout. "But you're not off the hook yet. I was serious before, about how you keep referring to your feelings as if they were ugly or wrong. So let me make something clear," he says, and then proceeds to slam his hands down on the table, standing up so abruptly he rattles the plates and cups that are thankfully almost empty by now. "You also look the prettiest when you express your love, you glow."

When Tsubaki lets the silence stretch between them, just staring at him intently, Haruka knows he's waiting for a response, but he's frankly pulling up blanks. His head feels like it is overheating, stuck on pretty and love and glow. Finally, his senior takes pity on him and gives up his staring, sitting back down with a defeated sigh.

"Just don't call yourself needy or annoying, I for one don't like it, and I don't think Nirei would either. Just like Ume would never call me annoying for liking him, right?" he asked.

Haruka nodded his agreement, albeit begrudgingly. When he put it like that, even Haruka could see his point. Admittedly, it was hard not to think of himself negatively, especially after the recent events, but it was obvious what Tsubaki was getting at with his 'if it's ok when I do it, it's ok when you do it, too'-reasoning. 

"Good, good," Tsubaki nodded, seemingly satisfied with Haruka. "You wouldn't want to anger me when you still have to talk things through with Nirei, now would you?" he says, winking teasingly at him. 

He's glad for the change of tone, he doesn't regret being honest, he accepted spilling his guts out for Tsubaki to poke at was a necessary evil the moment he messaged him, but Haruka is at his limit, his skin feels too raw. 

As much as he welcomes and doesn't point out the abruptness of the change of topic, how he's going to handle that conversation with Nirei is a whole other can of worms he just isn't ready to tackle today. 

"I can help with that too, if you'd like," Tsubaki proposes, when all Haruka offers are disgruntled grunts in response. Really, his senior is too much of a saint. Haruka considers taking him up on the offer, but ultimately declines.

"Nah, that feels like it's gotta stay between Nirei and me. So, I want to figure that one on my own, you know?" he says.

Thankfully, Tsubaki seems to understand. He smiles fondly at him, resting his chin on his joined hands over the table, teasing air gone with the warm look that settles over his face.

"Yeah, I do know," he says, the emotion in his tone sends a rush of warmth to Haruka's cheeks. 

.

.

The sky is no longer pouring down on them once they make it out of the shop. The soft glow of sunrays cutting through the blanket of dark grey clouds create a view that has Haruka taking out his phone to snap a pic. Usually, he's not the type to stop and appreciate the sky views, but Suo is. He often lags behind during patrol, and when Haruka and Nirei turn around to check on him, he's always got his phone out, pointing straight ahead at the view of the settling sun and the orange clouds on the horizon. 

Haruka can't say he shares whatever sentiment takes over Suo when he looks at the sky; the clouds are just clouds and the sun hurts to look at. But Suo seems to like it, so Haruka still pauses to take the picture, think about a caption, and send it as is when he can't come up with anything. 

Tsubaki pauses next to him too, and unashamedly peeks over his shoulder at his chat.

"Oh yeah," he says, perking up like had just remembered something. "How does Suo fit in all this? I thought for sure he would be the one you would ask about, but you didn't mention him at all…"

No, Haruka had not mentioned Suo at all. And for good reason, too. First, if he did he would have had to bring up the overhead conversation between him and Sugishita, and Haruka was still adamant on taking it to the grave. Then, there was the fact that this whole mess was between him and Nirei only, Haruka didn't want to drag Suo into it when he had no part in it. And lastly, there was the strange fact that Suo hadn't dragged himself into it, which was somewhat out of character of him, who was always at the ready to butt in whatever Haruka and Nirei had going on.

Haruka has a feeling there is something more to his vice captain's newfound neutrality, and he does want to talk about it, but the one person he thinks will actually be of any help he's not currently on the best of terms with, so.

"Suo is…" he trails off, finding it hard to put his feelings into words. "That bastard is for me a Nirei to figure out," is what he settles for.

Tsubaki seems taken aback, but ultimately seems to let the matter go. He giggles, walking ahead of him, and Haruka gets the distinct feeling he's being left out of some kind of joke.

He huffs, too tired to try and pry it out of him, and resigns himself to following after him. 

.

.

.

Tsubaki, as usual, is right.

Having his thoughts and feelings sorted does help keep his mind from running in frantic circles. Try as he might though, there's a lingering fear that makes it hard to put everything into words.

Still, he refuses to let another week of awkward tension between him and Nirei pass. God forbid he has to actually face a pissed off Sugishita—a rightfully pissed off Sugishita, with whom Haruka would have to agree with.

He will admit, it is that hypothetical scenario which had him rushing into things with no actual plan on how to explain himself (at least not without sounding like a dumbass), but alas, Nirei arrived at his place not a minute after the agreed time, so there was no going back. It's not like Haruka could kick him out of his apartment a second time, now could he.

"Sakura-kun?" Nirei asks hesitantly.

He calmed down considerably in the ten or so minutes since he arrived. When Haruka had first opened the front door, he was greeted by a panting Nirei, reddened cheeks and slightly sweaty forehead. Apparently, he had run all the way from his house to Haruka's. He hadn't intended to, he said, he just…gradually started walking faster, and then suddenly he was running.

Haruka…wasn't sure how to react to that, so he just told him he hadn't needed to rush, then directed him to sit down as he got him some water. That's how they have been spending the last few minutes; sitting across each other, Haruka stalling and getting lost in his own head while Nirei tried to catch his breath.

His tone is soft when he speaks, clearly trying not to startle him, and yet Haruka flinches minutely. Instantly, Nirei looks guilty, and Haruka can see the apology coming from a mile away. He's struck by the sudden realisation that he really doesn't want to hear it. Nirei means well, but the only one who should be apologising here today is Haruka, not him.

"Don't," he cuts in, maybe a tad too harshly, judging by the click Nirei's teeth make as he quickly shuts his mouth. "It's alright," he tries to assure, "I was lost in thought and you startled me a bit, that's all."

Haruka tries to shrug it off, and although Nirei doesn't look particularly convinced, he nods anyway. Then, when Haruka still can't decide how to start the conversation and silence begins to settle back down, Nirei sighs softly.

"Sakura-kun, I know you said you wanted to talk when you messaged me, but if you've changed your mind or something…well, it's ok. I really don't mean to rush you…just knowing you're trying is enough," he says, resigned.

Haruka is sure he means every word, that's just like him to say, after all. But the look reflected in his downcast brown eyes and the poor attempt his mouth makes at a smile betrays his heartbreak and grates against Haruka just as much as the unfairness of it all does.

"You know," he starts, before really knowing where he's going but needing to put a stop to Nirei's coddling. Before he continues, he makes sure to lock eyes with him. "You can call me out on my bullshit when I'm in the wrong."

To his credit, Nirei looks fairly taken aback, but Haruka thinks his way to kick start his shit apology is as good as he would get.

"Um, I mean," Nirei hesitates, eyes darting around Haruka's face in confusion. "There's clearly something that's been bothering you, and… I'm guessing it's something I did or said, so I'm not really in the place to—"

"Even if it were like that," Haruka interrupts, "it doesn't make me kicking you out and then avoiding you for days fair to you, does it? You wouldn't do that to me." He's silently glad that his tone comes out as sure as it does actually, because focusing on what he knows to be true instead of what his fear wants him to believe takes great effort and then some.

Nirei still looks somewhat hesitant, but his eyes shine with something Haruka can't name when he answers.

"No, of course not," he says. The confidence in his voice and the stubborn set of his jaw sooth something wild in Haruka, and he can feel the tense muscles of his shoulders relax with it. Thankfully, Nirei doesn't follow up with any 'buts', although Haruka hurries to fill the silence before he can get the chance, just in case.

"Right, that's why you are not the one who needs to apologise, it's me. That's what I'm--," Haruka pauses to clear his throat when his voice cracks and goddammit is it embarrassing. Still, he keeps his eyes focused and powers through it because he wants to face Nirei properly for this. "That's what I'm trying to say. I'm sorry for treating you like that, Nirei."

There, he did it. As far as apologies go, Haruka doesn't think his is too bad, voice crack included. There's still many ways this conversation could go wrong, but now the ball is in Nirei's court, so Haruka can only wait for his reaction. He had feared his friend would jump to assure him that he had done nothing wrong, but thankfully he takes a few seconds to actually mull his words over before answering.

"It's ok," he begins, just to immediately cut himself off at Haruka's sharp look, trying to communicate without words that he would take no coddling. "I mean, um, it's… I'd rather you hadn't, um, pushed me away. But I accept your apology, so, it's fine now. Thank you."

Thank you.

Hm.

That's…

"'Thank you'?" Haruka parrots back, and when he doesn't quite manage to keep from snorting, he just full on breaks out laughing. "'Thank you'? Who says 'thank you' to an apology?"

Maybe it's in bad taste, but he can't help it. It might be the suffocating nerves or the sheer wave of relief that's making him crack up, but he can't stop it now.

"I-- I mean-- well I panicked! And anyway, you're the one laughing at the person you just apologised to, who does that!?" Nirei counters.

That's a very good point, and all the more funny for it to Haruka's newly broken sense of humour, apparently. He can't feel too bad though, when Nirei's laugh joins his own once he gives up on trying to maintain some semblance of seriousness.

'This is so weird' he thinks. Of all the ways Haruka had imagined this going, laughing with Nirei at themselves was never one of them. Even so, it works to calm him down considerably; once they start winding down his shoulders feel much lighter, and his jaw doesn't feel as tight as before. Watching Nirei's lingering smile is a bonus, really, like wind to his sails or something.

Haruka hadn't even realised how much he'd missed him until now.

"I missed you," Nirei says. It's almost uncanny how he echoes Haruka's own thoughts, but he's too distracted by the warmth spreading from his neck up his face to care.

Well, the ball is back in his court now, it seems.

"Yeah, about that," he starts, awkwardly. He takes a breath to steel himself. "I… did too. Miss you. Not just these last few days, I think it's been going on for like, a while…" he trails off at the end despite his best efforts. He can't help it, no matter how much he tries to steel himself, his eyes still roam Nirei's face for a hint of understanding, just so he doesn't have to actually voice any of this.

However, Nirei's no psychic, and Haruka knows there is no easy way out of this as soon as Nirei squints his eyes and tilts his head slightly to the side, trying to read between the scarce and vague lines Haruka offers.

"You've been missing me before we, um…well, before we argued?" he asks.

Haruka grunts in frustration, scratching at his head just to keep his hands occupied.

"What I'm trying to say," he says, once he realises that the only way to do this is to bulldoze through it. Hopefully, if he gets everything off his chest fast enough he won't have time to feel embarrassed about it. "Is that I've been trying to get closer to you, you and Suo, for a while now. I know now that you noticed, but I didn't at the time. I was sure I was being subtle and chill about it. So I guess I freaked out when you showed me the patrol schedule, and somehow I convinced myself you were trying to tell me I was… annoying." He chances a quick look at Nirei to try and gauge his expression, only to quickly avert his eyes because it's just too much for him. "Or… clingy."

That garners a reaction. Nirei jumps forward on his hands and knees in such a haste that if it weren't for Haruka's quick reflexes they would have knocked their foreheads together.

"Hey, watch it--"

"I'd never think of you like that, Sakura-san," Nirei states fiercely, like he's trying to make sure it sticks. "I did notice you were acting differently, but I never minded at all, like at-all, really. I only brought it up that day because…well, because…"

He trails off, deflating all of a sudden and sitting back down on his haunches. When he speaks up again, the air around him is much more hesitant, his cheeks are faintly blushing and his eyes are partially hidden by his fringe.

"You see, Sakura-san, I thought-- I hoped you were doing it because you wanted to get closer to me the same way I want to get closer…to you," he says.

Nirei gives Haruka this look that makes something go funny in his chest, and maybe it's that distraction or the fact that Nirei is just being vague, but he can't quite make out what he's trying to say.

"What do you mean 'the same way as you'? I thought closer just meant…"

'Well, closer', he thinks redundantly. He grows more confused the more he tries to decipher it by himself, but before he can dwell on it too long, Nirei has recovered the determined air about him, and soon he's sitting up properly, settling forward and closer to Haruka, though not as close as he had previously, when they were barely a hair apart.

Then, he takes a big breath in and lets it out.

"I like you, Sakura-san. As more than friends." He pauses, then corrects himself. "Well, not more but… different, you know? Like Tsubaki-san and Umemiya-san like each other."

'Like Tsubaki and Umemiya', he says. As if Haruka wasn't still stuck on 'I like you'. As if his head could process more than the loud echo of those three words.

Turns out he can though, because the idea that Nirei likes him, like Tsubaki and Umemiya like each other, bounces around his head until it's all he can think about. Haruka pictures them together, and although he usually has to look away from them nowadays, he knows they are tooth-rottingly sweet with each other.

Admittedly, it isn't something Haruka ever imagined for himself. The idea of sharing that type of intimacy with someone is so far removed from his mind that when he tries to picture him and Nirei in their place he mentally recoils. Something in his chest stirs, a feeling akin to excitement making his heart stumble over a beat that sends his blood rushing to his face, the familiar warmth of a flush settling over it. But at the same time his mouth clicks shut and his teeth grind at the cold feeling of panic that coils around his limbs.

The idea doesn't ring…bad, or wrong, rather it's just too much, far too much to imagine without confirming that is actually what Nirei means when he says he likes him. Haruka doesn't want to do it, not if he has somehow misunderstood Nirei's words. He would rather go on as he always had, thinking that kind of thing was just not meant for him, than having thought it possible when it actually hadn't been. 

"They-- but-- they kiss and-- and they hold hands and… stuff," he mumbles, his chin tucked to his chest. When he braves a look at Nirei, he's comforted by the sight of his hands wringing together (at least they are both nervous as hell). Then he latches back onto the puppy eyes looking up at him and he's momentarily distracted from the conversation.

"Yeah, yeah they do that," Nirei says through a giggle that deflates too quickly to be anything but anxious. "Is it… it's that something you'd like to do with me, Sakura-san?" he asks.

The question shoots through Haruka's heart like an arrow and he gasps, a sharp intake of breath that sends air rushing into his lungs. Uselessly, seeing as he's at a loss for words. He doesn't know what to say. He had invited Nirei over to offer an honest yet half baked apology, determined to fix things and yet resigned to be gently let down. But Nirei was offering something Haruka had never thought would be on the table. His hesitation must be evident, because Nirei is fast to try to take it back.

"It's ok, Sakura-san," he says, in a dejected tone that conveys it is clearly not ok. "You can say no. You don't have to do anything you don't want to."

Nirei rushes to get the words out, as if he's trying not to look or sound as devastated as the tremble of his lips show he is, and then makes to stand up. Haruka's hand moves out of its own volition and latches onto his shirt to pull him back down, because the one thing he's sure of is he definitely doesn't want Nirei to leave.

"I know!" he hurries to say, effectively stopping him in his tracks. He stares down at him for a moment, and Haruka can't imagine what he finds in his face, but it convinces him to settle back down. Relieved, he retracts his treacherous hand to self-consciously pull at his fringe instead.

"I know that, you just-- just don't go putting words in my mouth," he tries, eyes darting around the room, fighting to try and settle on Nirei's frame. "You didn't even let me answer properly," he pouts.

Nirei's face turns a little baffled, a little hopeful and a lot scared at his words, and Haruka has the inkling suspicion that his friend wasn't expecting him not to avoid the topic. Which somewhat hurts his pride, but he ultimately admits is fair, given his less than stellar record and its recent updates. Once Nirei seems to collect himself, nodding at Haruka to continue, he steels himself and offers the answer that rings the truest to him.

"I don't know," he says, averting his eyes from Nirei's general direction, no matter how much he fights not to. "I never thought about that kind of stuff for myself, or that anyone would want that…" Haruka can't quite manage to move his mouth around the 'with me', but by Nirei's sharp intake of breath he assumes he understands. "Anyway, what I mean to say is that I don't know how to know if… if that's something I would… want, I guess."

Haruka hates himself a little for how lame he sounds. Still, it's the truth, he has no real way to know. It's easier when it comes to other people's feelings (for some reason he's got a built in radar for it), but when it comes to his own, sorting them out is much harder. And although he can admit he doesn't immediately hate the idea of him and Nirei in their seniors' places, it's still hard to picture it in reality when he's never done anything like that.

Haruka can't just outright ask for it though, can he? He's pretty sure people don't ask other people to make out just to see if it's something they would like—not taking into account that he would explode even trying. So he has to settle with being honest, and hoping Nirei gets what he means.

When he chances a timid glance at him, Nirei looks like he's simultaneously ready to punch something and about to crumble. All of a sudden his hands shoot from where they were gripping hard at his own pants to Haruka's hands, and he involuntarily flinches. Nirei draws back immediately, but still levels an undeterred stare at him, trying to communicate a silent question.

Haruka isn't sure just what he's agreeing to when he nods his head, but this is Nirei, he reasons, and there's nothing Haruka would deny him when he looks like that anyway.

This time, Nirei's approach is much slower. He shuffles to sit closer carefully, telegraphing his movements to avoid startling him, and when Haruka lays his hands back on his lap he doesn't immediately rush to hold them. Instead, Nirei traces the outline of his fingers for a while, seemingly satisfied with the not-quite-touch. When he finally interweaves them with his own, he squeezes a little, and looks up from them to Haruka, waiting for his reaction.

Haruka… he can hardly breath. His hands are on fire, his skin feels awkward and he's too aware of each of his fingers, questioning how his brain managed to dexterously move them around all these years when suddenly they feel so disconnected from his body. Haruka is sure a black hole has sucked all the air from the room because his lungs are not getting any.

He can't quite articulate any of that however, in part because the lights are on in his head but there's no one home, but also because it would be mortifying. Still, he nods at Nirei's hesitant 'Sakura-san?' because he concludes that he doesn't hate it, and he doesn't really want him to stop.

Then Nirei tilts forward into his personal space, bringing their faces close. Too close, he thinks, but when he tries to lean back one of Nirei's hands lets go of his to settle in the space between his shoulder and his neck, startling him but effectively keeping him place. Before he can parse how he feels about that the hand is gone, back to Haruka's lap.

"Sorry, didn't mean to do that," Nirei apologises, although Haruka isn't sure it was needed. They are still seated really close, enough that Nirei just has to tilt his head slightly to lock eyes where he had been trying to hide under his fringe. "Is this ok, Sakura-san?" he asks.

He thinks about it, and concludes that it is ok, probably. The proximity isn't bad as much as it's weird. It makes his heart beat something fierce and crazy, the drumming spreading to his stomach and tying knots there. It's weird because it's similar to the feeling he gets during a fight. The adrenaline fuelled beats and the hardening of his gut before a punch, both are similar to this, except he would gladly take this metaphorical punch to the face rather than a real one. So it is ok, really. But when he goes to try to express all of that (hopefully without sounding crazy), Nirei's not looking at him anymore. Not at his eyes, at least. His eyes are drawn down, down at…

A puff of breath brushes against his lips when Nirei speaks.

"Can I?" he asks, breathy and easy, and it's all it takes for Haruka to nod his head again.

It's over as soon as it happens, Nirei leaning back but not going far. Haruka isn't sure if it should be called a kiss, a peck, or a mere brush of lips. He ponders for about a second, and promptly decides he doesn't care. Brief as it may have been, it has a weird effect on Haruka. At first it feels as if something has settled in him, some of that consuming need all of his previous attempts at intimacy hadn't managed to quell. It makes his heart beat to the tune of yeses and finallies. Then, the knots in his gut ignite, his heart skips a beat and chants for more and again with every beat.

"Sakura-san?" Nirei asks hesitantly, one look at him tells Haruka whatever courage he had gathered for this is quickly leaving the longer he waits for a reaction.

For his part, Haruka decides he has been neglecting his heart long enough. He has apologised, has been forgiven, and now he has been kissed. Surely, it's ok for him to have this, to ask for more.

"Do that again?" he tries, his voice sounding fragile even to his own ears, a fitting reflection of the big part of him that still fears rejection.

Luckily, Nirei looks more than happy to oblige, if the warmth that washes over his face is anything to go by. He holds his hands, properly now, pressing his thumbs against Haruka's palms and massaging until they relax in his hold. Then he goes to kiss him again. It's just as brief, and just as sweet, and exactly what he wanted and not enough at the same time.

"Again?" he asks almost as soon as they part.

Nirei laughs a breathy thing that Haruka kind of wants to kiss, but when he leans forward to do just that they make eye contact, and suddenly he feels shy. It's too late to back down though, he already has momentum, and finally his kiss lands more to the corner of Nirei's lips than he intended.

Nirei laughs again, squeezing his hands and ok, Haruka is confident he knows how to know if he wants this now, that's for sure.

.

.

.

"Hey, Sakura-san?"

"Yeah?"

"You know, when I told you about how I was hoping you'd feel the same way… I wasn't only talking about me. I mean, I'm glad we sorted it out between us today, but um, there might be someone we might need to talk about…"

Oh.

Oh.

Tsubaki. Tsubaki knew, he knew. That's why he asked about him.

Oh, Haruka is going to murder him.