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Is it the smartest idea to sneak out of Sakura's apartment in the middle of the night after Sakura and Nirei dragged him back? No, no, it probably is not. But Suo feels restless and shifty under everyone's gaze and attention. Sakura and Nirei had passed out on either side of him, likely equal parts exhausted and relieved, and Suo had blinked blankly, waited a moment, and listened to their even breaths before sliding out into the kitchen. He unfastened his earrings and left them on the counter along with a note promising he'd be back.
He doesn't really have anywhere in mind to go, just wants an out from keen and sharp eyes that feel like they're watching his every move. Really, this is all his fault. He knows, but he can't stand it.
He lets his legs take him wherever, and that's how he finds himself near the river. The moon is still shining high above him, casting a shimmering glow on the still water. He sits down on the steps by the riverbank, crosses his arms, sets them on top of his knees, and watches the light catch on the water.
He's only there for a few minutes at best before he hears the distinct clacking of wood against concrete. He knows whose footsteps those belong to, but there's really no reason for them to be in Furin's turf, especially this late at night.
"It feels a bit dangerous leaving you alone on the night of a full moon."
Suo's eye flicks to the drawl of a breezy voice. Togame flashes an easy smile back at him. In his hand is a small bottle of tea extended towards him, and his other holds a ramune. He pauses. His gaze shifts from the tea to Togame's face and back again. He slowly unfurls himself and takes the tea. His fingertips are dusted pink. He hadn't noticed how cold his fingers were until the heat from the warm tea bottle seeped into his skin.
"Why are you here?" Suo asks. "It's late."
Togame tilts his head at him a little. "You're out here too." He sits down on the step next to Suo as he answers his question. "It's an old habit. Choji used to have too much energy at night and come barging into my place if I didn't answer the phone at four in the morning, so I ended up dragging him on long walks in hopes of tiring him out."
Suo listens to the clink of the glass marble being pushed down. "I see."
He stares at the bottle of tea and debates on whether or not to open it. It'd give him something to do with his hands, but then he's acutely aware he's consuming something that was given to him by someone who is also consuming something right beside him.
Togame is someone he hasn't interacted with one-on-one. Togame is Sakura's friend. A member of Shishitoren who is an ally of Furin's. He's Shishitoren's second-in-command. Someone with bite and a sharp tongue but also heavily guided and reliant on the people closest to him. Suo's not sure how he's supposed to behave in front of him.
In truth, most of his relationships have been formed through proxy. It's like everyone is intrinsically entangled in a web, and he's watching from the sidelines as strings get pulled and tied.
Everyone expects something from him. Of course, some expectations are not as outstanding as Red Chanpuru's, but there's a specific space everyone expects him to occupy. And sometimes it's Suo who takes the initiative and steps forward to carve a space for himself in people's lives, even before the people involved realize the weight behind it. The moment Suo fixed his eyes on Sakura, Nirei, and Sugishita, it was obvious they'd long grown acquainted with loneliness and needed a hand in building a bridge to connect with the rest of the class.
He doesn't mind helping. It's one of the few things about himself he is genuinely grateful for: his ability to shape himself into an empty vessel for others to fill. Others' hurt is worth far more than his own, and it's so much easier to extend a hand than it is to take an offered one.
Before, everyone back at Furin was expecting a reliable — albeit a bit of a tease — vice-captain. He's not sure if they're still expecting that from him, and the thought has settled like a sinking stone at the bottom of his gut. Suddenly, he feels too cold.
He's starkly aware of the silence hanging heavily between Togame and himself, but quite frankly, Suo's a bit too in his head to get his mouth to form a complete sentence.
"I don't mean to pry, but is everything alright?" Togame rubs the back of his neck, and given what Suo knows of him, he's probably a bit outside of his comfort zone as well. "Sakura basically turned the city upside down searching for you."
Suo winces a bit. "I'm sorry for dragging Shishitoren into my mess."
Togame waves him off. "At this point, it's kind of a given. We drag you into our messes; you drag us into yours. Fair trade."
"But that's…" Suo bites back the childish whine of this is different. This isn't a Furin problem. This is his mess, really. One that he should have been able to handle on his own. It's hardly a fair trade if there's little reward.
Maybe this is just one of the many things he should attribute to Sakura's never-ending list of miracles. He's relieved Sakura is capable of becoming great friends with what started as formidable enemies. How is he ever going to repay him, he thinks as he rubs his finger on the ridge of the plastic bottle.
Togame seems to be watching him carefully. "I don't know what it is that you're going through, but it's not like you're alone. Everyone at Furin's waiting on you, you know?"
Suo lets out a small laugh despite himself. That's kind of the problem, isn't it? Everyone is waiting on him; he just doesn't know why. What do they expect of him now? There's no going back for him. So what if he clears his name, lies and convinces them all he had no choice, that he made the decision he thought was best for all of them? What then? If by some godforsaken miracle and Furin's naive, pure-hearted kindness, he gets to go back and play pretend like nothing ever changed, everyone will be stuck watching their backs, waiting for the day Suo missteps once again. Every word Suo says will be regarded with suspicious eyes. Every action, measured.
He can't go back.
And it's entirely his fault.
That's the problem with making yourself a tool to be used. Every tool rusts, and once all your use has been used up, you'll be discarded. He can only be so useful, and he can only make himself so small when they inevitably decide they don't want him anymore.
"It'd be easier if they didn't love me," slips from his mouth before he has the sense to stop it. His hand moves to his mouth like he can retract the words he just let slip.
Suo risks a glance towards Togame, but there's nothing but a gentle smile plastered on Togame's lips. "I guess sometimes it's because they care so much about you that it becomes hard to talk about things with them, right?"
He's right. Everyone in Furin is so warm and bright. He doesn't want to be the reason any of that light dims. His chest still aches every time he looks at Nirei and sees sorrowful eyes and tears and hears his begging and pleas.
"They're too kind," is what he says instead, fingers pressing into the divots of plastic once again, "and far too forgiving."
"Yeah," Togame hums, "I've witnessed that firsthand."
I'm not sure I deserve it is what Suo leaves unsaid, but maybe Togame hears it anyway.
Maybe it's a bit ironic to say this to Togame of all people, the one who ruled over Shishitoren with an iron fist but found a way to pave the road back to pursuing their true ideals alongside the people he loves and cherishes, the ones who chose to forgive him and all his faults. But the difference between them is that, ultimately, Togame is kind. The facade he put up was merely a mask to hide his soft core, and even then, he couldn't properly disguise it. Meanwhile, the moment Suo lets down his mask, everyone will bleed. He is fundamentally a liar. His mask has never dropped, and once it does, he's certain there won't be anything lovable underneath it. He is not kind. He can pretend all he wants; it won't change anything.
He thinks a lot about how grateful everyone is that Sakura came to Makochi. He is too. He's grateful everyone has found a place at Furin. He's a little starstruck by how in love with life everyone is every passing day. Sometimes it's a bit hard to look at. Something dark and ugly started to fester the longer he stayed, and in the end, watching them all felt like too much.
"You're not wearing your earrings."
He's been quiet for too long evidently if Togame is diverting the conversation. His hand rises to his earlobe and presses gingerly around the empty hole.
"I left them back at Sakura's place in case they woke up after I snuck out. They know how important those are to me and that I wouldn't leave without them."
Togame's green eyes are warm and crinkling like he knows something Suo doesn't.
"Furin's a good fit for you." Togame tips his head back as he takes a sip of ramune like he just said the most casual thing in the universe. Suo is left blankly blinking at him.
"You are kind. Even now, you're worrying about your friends," Togame taps his finger against the ramune glass, "and I heard it was you who did most of the strategizing against Noroshi. You love this place. Everyone at Furin seems to love so easily."
He's scared they do. Suo's scared they truly do love him and would never admit to him how much he hurt them. He's scared they are mad at him but want to spare his feelings. He's scared the hurt has overridden the anger they feel.
Suo's scared that if he stops his lies — stops his everything — they'll forgive him simply because the rose-tinted glasses refuse to come off, and he doesn't want to have to become even crueler and be the one to rip them clean off.
Is loving supposed to hurt this much? That doesn't seem right. Or is his love so wrong and twisted that he only knows how to burn?
He has no idea what kind of face he's making, but Togame's face softens in what looks like pity, and he… doesn't know what to do with that.
"You'll be okay," Togame offers softly, like he's a wounded stray who'll lash out if spoken to.
Suo laughs absurdly, and his body curls and tightens. His forehead presses into his forearms, and he feels a bit like he's drowning.
He hears fabric rustling and thinks maybe Togame is finally leaving him to bask in his misery, but then a jacket gets draped across his shoulders. His head jolts up with a start, but Togame isn't even looking at him; he's staring at the still water.
"You should have an honest conversation with them," Togame says, still not looking at him. His eyes are warm and kind, and Suo doesn't know what to do with himself. "Not Umemiya's idea of a conversation. Keep your fists out of it, but talk to them. At the very least, you gotta talk about everything with Sakura and Nirei. Otherwise, they'll punch it out of you 'cause you and I both know they'll be on your case about hiding things. Well," Togame tilts his head back like he's contemplating. "I think they're less worried about you keeping secrets and more about you hurting alone by yourself."
"…Why…?"
"Hmm? They're your friends after all—"
"Why are you being so kind to me…?"
That gets Togame to look at him, and he doesn't want to think too deeply about what he sees. Gosh, he feels like a child whining because he didn't get the toy he wanted on his birthday.
"It's not like I have any reason to hate you."
"I'll go terrorize Kanuma again and then see what you have to say."
Togame laughs. "Poor Minoru," he says, shaking his head, "but you're not cruel. Even when you first fought him, you really just wanted him to do some self-reflection, right? Besides, you might not have to do any terrorizing at all. He was real freaked out when Sakura mentioned you went missing, like he'd lost the spider he was trying to kill." Togame laughs like he's recalling a fond memory. Then throws him a sideways glance. "You do remember I knocked a guy clean unconscious the first time we met? I'm no saint either."
There's somehow a world of difference between Togame's and Suo's circumstances, but Suo can't articulate it into words. Not when Togame is looking at him like he does Choji and Sakura — endlessly patient like he'd wait an eternity if he had to.
"…I'm scared," he confesses. It's startling how frigid he feels at the admission.
"Of what?"
"They might want me back despite everything. They might not want me back at all. Both sound equally as bad." He's stuck between wanting to stay beside everyone and running as far away as possible but also worried they might want the same in turn.
"Well, if you tell them everything and they want you back, you'll just have to have faith in them and trust their judgment. And if you tell them everything and they still don't want you—" Togame shrugs a bit— "we might just have to poach you."
"And give Kanuma a heart attack."
"And give Minoru a heart attack." Togame nods solemnly.
They lapse into silence after that, and Suo feels strangely less cold.
When Togame stands, a hand reaches out towards Suo, and he says, "Let's get you back to Sakura."
His hand is cool from the night, and Suo can feel the rough indents where he had his hand pressed against the concrete.
The closer they get to Sakura's place, the more fear starts clogging his throat again. His steps unintentionally slow, and Togame's pace slows to match his. He's keenly aware of Togame's attention on him, and he doesn't know what to do with it.
Suo hesitates at the door once they're outside of Sakura's apartment. His hand hasn't even reach for the door knob before it's being pulled open, and a bright eyed Sakura is standing in front of him.
"I…" Suo flounders a bit kind of like a child caught in the middle of doing something he shouldn't.
Sakura's eyes flick behind him where Suo imagines Togame is, but then his attention is solely on Suo. His hand fists at the fabric of Suo's shirt and pulls him forward into Sakura's space.
"Idiot, go to bed." Sakura grumbles lowly. Suo can only assume Nirei still has yet to wake up given how he's not up in his space too.
"Seeing as I've returned your lost cat, I'll be heading off now." Togame jokes, already turning around with a wave.
"Ah," Suo fumbles, sliding Togame's jacket off his shoulders. It's a bit of an awkward motion given how one of his hands is still holding the bottled tea that has long grown cold.
Togame stops him halfway through. He tugs the jacket snug around his shoulders again. Then, he rests a hand atop Suo's head. "You can give it back to me later, okay? When things settle down a bit."
Suo nods, oddly subdued. Togame gives him a lopsided grin. He waves goodbye again, and Suo raises a hand in return.
Maybe it's an attempt to make an excuse to see each other again or a way for Suo to subtly sneak onto Shishitoren's turf if everything blows up in his face.
Sakura seems to be quietly watching the interaction with careful eyes. He waits a beat before tugging the front door shut and dragging Suo back into his bedroom.
"'Got too much energy for someone who doesn't sleep." Sakura yawns as they both fall onto Sakura's futon. Nirei, still deep in sleep, shifts like he senses their presence and wraps an arm around Suo's.
Sakura presses his face into Suo's shoulder and mumbles, "…Thanks for the note."
"…Sorry," he says instead.
"Shut up." Sakura presses harder into his shoulder. "Go to sleep."
Suo takes in a breath, closes his eye, and tries not to think about tomorrow.