Work Text:
Bilbo hated his friends sometimes. They claimed that they were only doing what was best for him, but they would always fall short. Dragging him to parties, bars, nightclubs, and now Erebor.
Erebor: The famed brothel in Bree.
He had no interest in casual sex, but for some odd reason, his friends seemed to disregard that notion at every turn. Always trying to set him up with someone, no matter how drunk they were. They once tried to pawn a poor, stumbling young woman onto him, but he just paid for her cab and sent her home.
Now a brothel.
Bilbo really needed to get new friends.
Ever since they pushed him inside, he found that this wasn’t some ordinary brothel. For starters, everyone he could see was male. And not a bunch of skinny, frail, men. Large, sometimes burly men with more body hair than actual hair on their heads. Which was a feet, since they all seemed to have long, almost flowing locks.
Dori, the owner of Erebor, spoke with his friends, and the next thing he knew, he was thrown into a rather lavish bedroom. He stood awkwardly at the foot of a large bed, flushing at the sight of the large amount of bottles on one of the nightstands. He didn’t like this, wasn’t comfortable, and he wanted to run as far away from that place as possible.
The moment he turned to open the door and bolt, he was blocked by one of the workers stepping inside. He flushed, for he was attractive. Very attractive. Of course, someone had to be foolish not to recognize that he was attractive. With long, dark brown hair and darker, warmer eyes.
“Hey there.” He said, slipping in, and Bilbo swallowed when he shut the door and locked it. “I take it you’re Boggins?”
“Er-It’s… actually Baggins, but-!” He started, tensing when hands grasped at his shoulders and pulled him close.
“I’m Kíli.” The man purred, and Bilbo swallowed. Hard. “You’re quite the lovely client, aren’t you?”
Bilbo felt his face heat as he tried to gently push Kíli away, even if Kíli just followed him. “Er-Listen, Mister, uh, Kíli. This… This is no slight towards you, but-!”
He squawked, tumbling backwards onto the plush mattress, stiffening when Kíli crawled onto him, straddling him.
“Just relax, baby. I’ll take care of you…” He purred, swooping in for a kiss, but Bilbo blocked it with a hand.
“Please let me speak!” Bilbo stuttered, voice high as Kíli furrowed his brow at him in confusion. “Nothing against you, but I really… I have no interest in this! I mean, I’m sure you’re good. Er, I mean, you seem very lovely, but I’m afraid that your services aren’t needed.”
Something relaxed in Kíli’s expression as he guided Bilbo’s hand off his face. “I see…” He muttered, sitting up. “So your friends set you up?”
Bilbo nodded, sitting up himself as Kíli crawled off him. “I’m sorry…”
“Don’t apologize for those arses out there.” The man said. “Just, perhaps, don’t hang out with them anymore, alright?”
Bilbo nodded, relaxing a little as Kíli stroked his shoulders.
“I… I’d hate to make you think you’ve come here for nothing…” Bilbo muttered.
“It’s a slow night.” Kíli replied. “For me, at least. Dwalin’s been fairly popular.”
Bilbo recalled the giant, bald man, and how his lose bottoms didn’t hide his… assets. “Ah…”
“And you know…” Kíli continued. “Not every man turns to a man like me just for sex. They talk. Do you? Maybe?”
Bilbo smiled a little at his question. “I’m afraid I’ll be quite a bore.”
He scoffed, adjusting the robe he was wearing. “Let me be the judge of that, Bog-Baggins.”
“Bilbo.” Said man corrected. “My name’s Bilbo.”
The smile he got in return made his heart pound. “Alright, Bilbo.” Kíli said. “Let’s talk.”
xxx
“Thank you. For listening to my ramblings.”
“Not at all. I certainly wasn’t bored.”
Bilbo shuffled awkwardly, adjusting his clothes from when he had laid on the bed with Kíli next to him.
“Yes, well…” He muttered again before finally decided on something that was probably ridiculous. He pulled out one of his old business cards and thrust it into Kíli’s hand. “Here.”
Kíli blinked, looking at the card before staring at Bilbo with wide eyes. “Bilbo, I-.”
“Look, I know this was just you doing your job. That it was nothing… important, but-.” Bilbo cut in, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I… I did like talking. With you. So, er… if you ever… just want to talk… even though there won’t be money… then…”
But Kíli just smiled, and it was a large, warm smile. “Thank you.” He said. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Good…” He said, smiling a little himself. “Very well, then, I-.”
Dori then burst in. “Come on now, big boy. Your friends are waiting.”
They said some more awkward goodbyes, and Bilbo allowed Dori to lead him back to the main hall where his friends were waiting. They all looked rather disheveled themselves.
“Well? How was it?”
“I bet you had fun, didn’t you?”
Bilbo just forced a smile, already thinking up ways to cut contact with them. “I did.” He answered. “I actually did. Now, might we go home, now? I’m actually rather tired.”