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It was incredibly rare for Keng and Namping to be in their hotel bathroom at the same time when sharing a room.
Namping was very particular about the concept of alone time after being in each other's orbit for practically the entire day, “So we don't get bored of each other!" He'd explain, exasperated.
It became an unspoken understanding that keng would go first, take his sweet time while namping meticulously fixed his bed and prepared his pyjamas, followed by namping who was the quickest out of the two.
Except tonight, shin and p'thop had somehow roped keng into drinking two full glasses of whiskey during dinner as a bet over some Thai language trivia and unfortunately for namping, his partner was famously a terrible lightweight.
Now standing by the bathroom door regretting every life decision that led him to this moment, namping stared at the red-faced man laying haphazardly on top of the cream tile, smiling like an idiot.
"Piiiing.... " He called to him with his eyes closed. "Poooong..."
Namping let out a long sigh before walking over.
"Just wash your face and brush your teeth for tonight. You can take a morning shower tomorrow before we fly back." Namping explained patiently, opening the cabinets below the sink to look for the care bag keng lugged around with him, containing all his usual products.
Keng craned his neck around to face the long mirror behind him, comically touching his face like he'd never seen it before. "No, no... I was—I was going to shave!...Look at my beard, ping, it's so long mae cha said I look like an uncle now..." He spoke that last sentence with outstanding sadness, grabbing at namping's shoulders in utmost desperation.
"Harit!" Namping scolded as gently as he could manage, "you can't shave while drunk, you'll end up hurting yourself!"
Keng stared at him, uncomprehending; those big bright eyes reflecting the warm bathroom light in a way that reminded namping uniquely of stars. His chest tightened.
Holding him by the jaw, namping inspected keng's messy stubble and tried not to give in. He'll tell him no, he assured himself, wrestle the big baby onto his separate bed and call it a night.
Keng's hand covered namping's fingers clumsily. "I know you don't like me with my beard like this..." The saddest little whisper.
Namping's heart cracked in half, a wave of raw affection and sympathy washing away the vestiges of the day’s stubborn exhaustion.
"I like every version of you, harit." He corrected the elder quietly. "Now sit up straight, let me shave this mess off."
Keng, who had been staring down at his feet morosely, instantly lifted his eyes in shock. "You... Nong will shave it for me?" An incredulous tone to his question.
Making sure keng's back was firmly against the mirror and not inching clumsily off the bathroom tile, Namping began combing through the care bag in search of a razor and shaving cream.
"Who do you think helped my grandpa shave when dad was off working and mom at the salon? My little sister?" The mental image of his spoiled sibling attempting to shave their irritable grandpa's mustache had namping giggling uncontrollably. "You just need to stay still while I do it."
Bending down to eye level, namping stared into keng's hazel eyes. "Can you do that for me, uan?"
Keng seemed to momentarily stall, his long eyelashes trembling every time he dazedly blinked up at him.
Namping was unfortunately and against his better judgement, weak to keng. Weak in the general sense but especially in these rare instances. Small moments where keng's inhibitions were lowered and his guard was down, where no traces of the once intimidating older man carrying the saddest eyes he'd ever seen, were left. Where namping felt special to him.
Looking away, Namping carefully wetted a clean towel and began cleaning keng's small face. He was unintentionally standing right in between Keng's spread knees and trying very hard to ignore it.
"I haven't had anybody...I mean—ever since my last girlfriend I haven't... It's only me shaving..." Keng explained, unprompted. He looked up at namping only to look away awkwardly.
Namping pushed away the innate envy that filled his chest at the mention of keng's ex and forced himself to respond the way a true friend would, the way he was when he wasn't caught up in this tangle of stupid emotions.
"Do you miss her? More so when you're drunk?"
Keng's neck snapped up into an immediate shake, his eyebrows furrowed and his lips pressed into a thin line. He was the picture of disapproval.
"No! Of course not! I only thought—cause you're helping me shave now and you've never...I mean this is new!" He tried to catch his eyes but namping was busy pumping the shaving cream onto his hands.
Rubbing them together to get the right consistency, he moved back to face keng and slowly lathered it on the lower half of his face.
They were closer now, their breaths mingling in the fragile silence where neither wished to say the wrong thing.
"I'm serious." Keng insisted passionately. His left hand stilled namping's wrist, forcing him to look back at him. "It's in the past." his eyes shone with sincerity and namping attempted to squash the useless hope it provoked in him. "....I'm not there anymore."
(Where are you then? Are you with me?) Namping desperately wished to ask, the words were on the tip of his tongue but he resisted. His past experiences held him tightly in a bubble of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment.. fear of giving so much and receiving so little.
Shaking off keng's warm hand, namping slipped away to the sink. His heart was hammering in his chest while he washed the shaving cream off, keng's pointed gaze following his every move.
"Okay." Namping offered softly in the tense air between them.
Now with the razor in one hand and a bowl of clear water sitting beside him, namping breathed through his teeth and set on painstakingly running the blade over keng's upper lip.
It was impossible not to lean over him, not to settle within the gaps of keng's sharp features and feel the tremors in his skin as he steadied his jaw. Keng's breathing was small and shallow, almost like he was afraid. Namping felt a rush of affection.
He smiled, "Don't be scared, phi. I won't hurt you."
"I know." came keng's voice, deep and gravelly. He was trusting him completely.
Namping's chest stretched taut, overwhelmed by keng's sheer trust. He suddenly, stupidly, wished to see his eyes.
Risking a glance up, namping came face to face with keng, watching in real time as his pupils dilated. He looked stunned, his lips ever so slightly parted. Namping's pulse picked up. Shit.
It was easier to ignore his annoyingly persistent feelings for harit when the camera lights were off and they were back to basics, when they had a safe distance between them and not breathing in each other's air.
Every breath keng took felt like he was personally pulling it from namping's lungs. It wasn't enough that he occupied his thoughts constantly, that anywhere namping went, keng was there in some aspect, his face on a billboard on the side of the highway, his voice while his ad ran in 7/11s across the country, his texts and calls laying in wait for him on Line.
Keng's eyes flickered constantly down to his lips, his hand wandering to clutch clumsily at namping's arm.
"....ping." he called out in a scant whisper.
This had to be some kind of meticulously tailored hell.
Namping pulled his gaze away, the sound of his staccato heartbeat thumping loudly in his ears. He closed his eyes for a second, trying to get a grip on his emotions.
He's drunk, he thought desperately. Help him and stop being ridiculous.
With renewed vigor, Namping went through the rest of the skin he'd marked. Every once in a while, in attempts to not accidentally knick keng, he'd maneuver himself to an even more intimate position and the suffocating tension between them would stretch and stretch, seeking a moment where it could finally snap. Keng's nails would dig deeper into the pliant muscle of his arm and namping would fight not to shudder.
Having finished at last, namping blew a long sigh of relief and ran his thumb over the now freshly shaven skin. Keng's breathing stuttered.
"All better now." Namping had hoped to sound airy and light, completely unperturbed, yet his voice came out thick and dry.
Using the hand he still kept on his shoulder, keng suddenly pulled himself across the now warm tile and right into namping's open embrace. He burrowed into the soft skin of namping's neck like a particularly affectionate dog, clinging to him fiercely.
"Thank you...thank you, bibi." He mumbled quietly.
Namping was overcome so violently by need in that moment, need that suffused every cell in his body and demanded he thread his fingers through keng's messy black hair, pull him deeper into his embrace and drown in his overwhelming warmth.
Only allowing himself to press his cold fingers onto keng's overheated skin, namping breathed in his scent for a few precious seconds before tearing his body away from his.
"You seem more sober now, you can—i'm sure you can handle brushing your teeth and changing." Turning around without a second thought, namping closed the bathroom door, marched himself back to their room and promptly fell to his knees on the carpeted floor.
Before he managed to catch his breath and have the long looming mental breakdown he'd been inching towards since the evening began, the sound of the bathroom door handle turning filled his ears and namping fumbled over himself in his haste to stand up fast enough.
There stood Keng harit, face and hair positively wet, fresh droplets cascading dramatically down his thin white shirt. It looked like he had manically scrubbed his head with a bucket-full of water before impulsively leaving the bathroom.
"I brought my ex up because she's the only frame of—of reference I have for these things. I didn't date around, I didn't sleep around, I don't know enough." His expression was pained, like admitting these truths frightened him. "It's even worse actually, with you. I never thought I could be attracted to a guy before and then I met you and...and I can't think properly anymore."
He was on a roll, ranting without trepidation. The more he spoke the closer he stepped towards namping.
"I just want to be close to you." His tone was absolutely miserable. "As close as you'll allow Phi to come."
As Keng spoke those last words, his final step led him only a few tantalizing breaths away from namping. The heat radiating off of him was so tempting, making it excruciatingly difficult not to reach out and touch, as easily as he’d touched him in the bathroom.
Namping was approaching the last dwindling reserves of self-preservation left in his subconscious. He had constantly kept himself in check, dutifully aware of keng and the possibility of making him uncomfortable, of ruining their carefully sustained partnership. But now, with keng facing him as he was, the picture of an impatient angel, begging him to give in, namping, found he was unable to refuse.
Not allowing himself the time to think, namping crossed the tenuous space between them and held keng's small face in the palms of his hands. "Is this close enough for you?" He whispered bravely.
Keng's lips parted on a silent breath, his long strongly corded arms wrapped around namping's own like he wished to fuse their bodies together. "No," his voice was a hoarse murmur. "More."
Thrill pulsed through namping's veins.
Emboldened now, namping pressed their lips together but only by the barest of inches. Every shaky breath they took led them to touch again ever so slightly. It was maddening.
"And now, phi?"
Keng seemed unable to decide what aggravated him more, the sensual but brief press of their lips every time namping spoke or the purposefully suggestive way he called him phi. He came to the conclusion that it was both and greedily opened his mouth wide, "more." He grunted before swallowing namping's lips in an almost painful kiss.
Namping pressed back excitedly, the messy push and pull of their lips threatened to have him buckle to his knees a second time. It was all too much, the fragile way keng held his jaw while lapping at his mouth, their tongues dragging languidly against one another; the way their hands were everywhere, pulling hair and clothes in an effort to get impossibly close; the way their heavy breaths intermixed in the cold air of the room.
Keng was moaning incessantly, every minute press of their bodies together adding another tremor to the hands that clutched desperately at namping's flimsy henley. He was pulling up the fabric while mouthing at ping's neck only to curse out-loud when namping ran his fingernails across his tense back.
"Bed—" keng gasped breathlessly, steering namping backwards toward his bed on the far side of the room.
Namping's mind was still sluggishly catching up to what keng said when he felt himself tumbling backwards, his fall cushioned by the soft bed covers. Keng was relentless, teasing his earlobe with his teeth while his left hand made its trek down to the front of his jeans.
"Woah—harit, wait…" namping panted. "You're drunk, we can't—" pushing keng's arm away with difficulty, he struggled to get out from under him.
Keng was confused from where he was pushed to the side of the bed, his hand hanging in the air between them, itching to touch namping's skin once more. "But I'm okay," he pleaded, his lips a dark bruised red, "I'm sober now."
Namping wanted nothing more than to pull keng back by the scruff of his neck and kiss him senseless, watch him surrender his mind to lust when they finally get rid of their clothes, their bodies aligning at all the right angles, feel the pressing weight of keng's powerful thighs when they wrap around his hips...but namping simply couldn't go through with any of it when keng wasn't completely sober. He was unable to fully consent, no matter what their relationship and the situation was.
Pulling himself up, namping brushed a shaky hand through his tousled hair and took a deep breath. "Harit—ter, we can't."
The hurt in keng's eyes softened a little at the term of endearment but his eyebrows remained tense, his expression still conflicted. Namping couldn't stand to see him look that way for a second longer, laying back down and balancing keng's head on his chest, he kissed the warm skin of his cheek and jaw and sighed. "We'll talk about all of this tomorrow. You need to sleep now."
Keng seemed unwilling at first, wrestling against namping's hold for a short while before growing tired and acquiescing at last. The alcohol must finally be catching up to him.
He poked his head out of namping's embrace just to stare very seriously into his eyes and declare in the most determined tone, "I love you, ping. You know I do."
Namping instantly felt his eyes sting and his throat closing in. His fingers shook when he caressed keng's face in open adoration. "...I love you too, phi. Always have."
It was a fruitless endeavor to try and keep the tears from spilling down his face. Instead, he closed his eyes, buried his nose in keng's wild hair and breathed in.
A part of his mind was anxious, worrying that keng might wake up tomorrow and decide what happened in this room is moot, all the effects of too much liquor. But a steadier part reminded him of the vulnerable, honest sheen to keng's eyes when he confessed his love to him and his heart settled.
He loved keng and keng, seemingly, loved him. And he was going to deposit 1000 baht each in shin and p'thop's bank accounts first thing in the morning.