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Shannon
I pulled my legs up onto the toilet seat, curling in on myself and counting to ten again and again. It was a technique that Joey taught me to help stop the viscous attacks of anxiety that I was prone to. It never worked but I still clung to the lifeline anyway.
It was my first day back at school since Ciara had hacked off my ponytail a whole week ago and I was living in a constant state of fear, even when I knew she couldn’t get to me.
Joey was supposed to come back to school with me this week too but after his arrest outside our house, his suspension had been extended for a whole month. Terrified of the prospect of facing school without him, I’d tried to beg Mam to let me have the whole month off too but Dad had been in such a fury that he’d dragged me down the stairs himself by what little remained of my hair, screaming that I would get off my ass and get to school. Of course, that caused a whole fight between Dad and Joey and I, feeling guilty enough about how much trouble I’d gotten Joey into recently, agreed to go to school.
I was ashamed how much going to school without Joey scared me. I really was trying to be independent and rely on him less but I didn’t have anyone else to turn to. I only had two real friends, Lizzie and Claire, and they both went to Tommen and lately we felt like we were on different planets. Whenever my dad was in a good mood and I was allowed to leave the house to go see them, which was rare these days, it was like there was a chasm between us. I knew they still loved me and I still loved them but they talked about the things going on in their school, things that I’d never know about.
I’d debated killing myself before I had to return to school. I’d thought about it a lot over the course of my short life but this was the closest I’d ever gotten to actually doing it. I’d stood in the bathroom with a bottle of pills in my hand, wondering what it would feel like before it was all over. Would it hurt? Would I regret it? Would death be as relentless as life was? In the end, I’d flushed the pills down the toilet, my hands shaking. I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t brave enough and so, like a coward, I returned to school with my head down.
Also like a coward, I’d decided that I was going to spend most of my time from now on locked in the safety of the toilet cubicle.
Except even that was making me anxious. Ciara knew where I liked to hide. What if she came after me again? The doors to the cubicles had large gaps underneath, she could easily crawl in and get to me.
My breath started shortening at the mere thought of it.
Right now, I should’ve been in Maths class but out of terror, I’d scampered off to the bathrooms and spent the hour there instead. Maths was my least favourite subject mainly because I sat in between Ciara and Hannah and it made my life a living hell. No matter how much I begged Mr Crawford to change the seating plan, no matter how much Joey stomped in and threatened him, he was adamant in his refusal to ‘change his classroom to accommodate the friendship dramas of teenage girls.’
Not only was I hopeless at Maths now, but I didn’t show up to half the lessons.
I’d snuck a book into my school bag with the intention of giving myself something to do when nobody wanted to talk to me but I was too anxious to focus on the pages.
I was anxious to eat as well and my ham and cheese sandwich stayed untouched in my bag. I would give it to Taghd and Ollie when I got home. They were always eager for more food.
I glanced down at my watch, knowing that lunch was starting soon and they’d be out of class and looking for me. I should probably go find a different bathroom to hide out in because I had no doubt this would be the first place that Ciara looked when they inevitably went to hunt me down.
I took several deep, calming breaths, whipping my eyes and smoothing down my hair – trying not to let out a sob when I felt it stop just below my chin. I wasn’t deluding myself into thinking I had been especially pretty before but now I hated looking in the mirror and seeing my hair so short. It looked like someone I didn’t recognise.
Before I managed to summon the courage to leave the tiny cubicle, voices sounded as the door to the bathroom opened. I flinched back on instinct, taking several seconds to steady myself.
“So you and Paul are really off for good then?” A girl was asking as they clattered loudly into the Girls Bathroom, moving immediately to the sink by the sounds of it.
“Yep, I’d rather shit in my hand and clap than even look at his face again.”
“You said that last time.”
“Yeah, but I mean it this time. Seriously, Case, if I’m even thinking about going back there, I need you to beat some sense into me.”
The girl laughed. “I’ll be sure to remember this conversation when you next message me telling me about that tongue of his when you guys are back together.”
“Urgh,” The other girl groaned. “That’s not happening. He can beg all he likes but I’m not taking him back. But I don’t think he’ll be begging, from what I heard, he’s already moved on to Danielle.”
“She’s such a bitch,” Her friend was quick to agree. “Never liked her anyway. Have you seen her lips? I swear she’s had some filler done.”
“Yeah, well, she’s more than welcome to feast on my scraps. One girl's trash is another girl's treasure and all that.”
“True, true. But I still think you’re going to cave. It’ll be a couple of months but then you’ll get lonely and bored and horny and that’s all it will take before you crawl back to him.”
“Nah, between you and me, I think I’ve got someone new to keep me warm.”
“Aoife Molloy!” The sound of screeching filled the bathroom as both girls erupted into giggles.
I don’t know why but the sound of it brought tears to my eyes that I quickly blinked away. But the hollow feeling in my chest was there to stay.
What would it be like to talk about boys with my friends in the bathroom? To be a normal girl and care about who was dating who and all that stuff that was far too shallow to occupy my mind right now?
I wanted more than anything to just have that normal secondary-school experience but I knew, deep down I’d never get it. There was something so fundamentally unlikeable about me that I would never be that girl.
Maybe if I knew what was wrong with me, then I would be able to fix myself. But there didn’t seem to be anything I could do. Everything that I did was wrong, according to Ciara and Hannah. And you might as well add my Dad to that list too. My life at home was equally as terrifying as my life at school.
I blinked back the tears that were welling up in my eyes again. Gathering my stuff in my bag to occupy myself, I made the decision to move to the disabled bathrooms in B Block instead. They had full length doors with locks that were impossible to pick. I would be safe there.
I listened for the sounds of voices and it sounded like the two girls were gone, so I carefully creaked open the door and shuffled out of the cubicle, my eyes downturned and my shoulders hunched to make myself seem smaller – not that I needed to. I was severely underdeveloped compared to most girls my age. My chest was almost completely flat and there was no sign of my period coming anytime soon.
“Hey, Shannon. How’re you doing?”
I flinched instinctively at the sound of a voice and looked up to see one of the most gorgeous girls I had ever seen. She had long hair, styled and hanging in curls up to her waist and she was in the middle of applying lipstick, leaning over the sink to see herself properly in the mirrors. She was smiling at me and it didn’t look like a fake smile or a cruel one. I’d learned what those looked like over the years.
It took me a moment to place her as one of Joey’s friends. She’d come round to drop off his bag after the hair incident that day. She was gorgeous and reminded me of the type of girls that made my life a living hell but there was something about her that seemed different from them. She smiled like she meant it and she seemed to have this goodness that just radiated out of her.
I could see why she and Joey were friends. Joey needed as much goodness in his life as he could get.
“Hi,” I said quietly, moving for the sink. Even though I hadn’t actually used the toilet, I made a habit of washing my hands after hiding out in the cubicles. Partly because the cubicles were so unsanitary in this school but mostly because the last thing I needed were more rumours circulating about any lack of hygiene. “I’m… I’m okay.”
I kept my head down and I expected her to move on but she kept talking to me. “It’s good to see you back here. I was hoping to run into you, you know? I was a bit worried when you didn’t show up to school for a whole week. Is everything okay?”
I blinked at that and stalled to look at her. “You… you noticed I wasn’t there?” Normally when people noticed where I was, it wasn’t for a good reason. Why would Joey’s friend be paying such close attention to me? Surely Joey wouldn’t hang out with anyone who’d want to hurt me?
“Sure I did,” she smiled warmly. “I just wanted to check on you after everything that happened. Girls can be such bitches, you know? I know a fair share of those in my year.”
“Yeah, I know,” I offered a small smile. I don’t remember the last time I smiled at school.
She grinned at that and hoisted herself up so she was sitting on the sink, swinging her long legs as she did. “So everything’s okay now?”
“I mean… I guess…”
She tilted her head. “What’s worrying you? Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude. You can tell me to go away at any time. I just want to get to know you.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why do you want to get to know me? I mean… I’m not… I’m not that interesting.” I look awkwardly down at my feet.
“Sure you are,” She beamed at me. “And Joey speaks so highly of you, I thought I’d get to know you a little bit.”
“Joe.. talks about me? To you?”
“Joey talks about you all the time,” She assured me. “I think you’re like… his favourite person ever. I swear, he never talks about anyone else that much.”
“So… you two are really good friends?” I asked hopefully. I was glad that Joe had such a good friend in this world, especially one like this girl. She was gorgeous to say the least but it wasn’t only that. She was full of smiles and laughter and it made me a little happier to know that Joey could leave the horrors of our home behind him and enjoy himself when he came to school and hung out with this girl.
At least one of us could be happy then.
“We’re best friends,” She beamed. “Which means…” she poked my arm playfully. “I’ve got to get to know you.”
“Oh.”
“So,” the girl chatted on. “Sorry, have I introduced myself? I’m Aoife Molloy, I’m in your brother’s year and we’ve been best friends since first year. I love clothes, I want to be a hairdresser when I’m older and… my favourite desert is ice cream.” She smiled at me encouragingly. “Your turn.”
I blushed deeply as I moved to stand next to her, facing away from the mirrors so I don’t have to look at my hair. “My names Shannon Lynch.” I said, my voice still quiet and small as a mouse.
She grinned. “I know that.”
“Oh right,” I blushed an even deeper shade of red. “I… like reading, I have five brothers and I want to be a vet. My favourite desert is… probably ice cream too.”
“Yay,” She clapped her hands. “We have so much in common.” She tilted her head at me. “So… you claim the mystery fifth sibling then?”
“Huh?”
“You said you have five brothers. Whenever Joe talks about his siblings he says he has four.”
“Oh, yeah. Joey doesn’t like Darren very much. Well… none of us like Darren very much anymore but he’s still our brother so I still count him.”
“Hmm, interesting.” She kicked her legs again, studying me.
I felt weird under her gaze so I turned slightly and caught sight of myself in the mirror. Catching my reflection again felt like someone had slipped a knife in my side and I hadn’t even noticed.
I didn’t look like me.
My hair hangs dead and loose in weird clumping strands and it stops short at my shoulders where it should flow on much longer than that. My eyes looked hollow and carved out. I was a zombie in my own skin, wandering through my days and just waiting to die.
The rush of it came on so suddenly. I wanted to die. I couldn’t understand the point of life, couldn’t understand why I have to keep getting up and trying when I have nothing to try for. I had no friends that couldn’t get through school without me. I didn’t have parents who would be distraught by my death.
The only one who cared about me was Joey and the only thing I seemed to do was bring more trouble into his life. He would be upset if I died, no doubt, but he would be okay. He had friends of his own, a life of his own outside our family. He had this beautiful girl that he hung out with when he came to school, who could brighten any room with her smile.
Tears prickled my eyes and I realised I’ve been staring at my reflection in disgust for about a minute now. I blink and look away but that just makes more tears come, threatening to spill over my cheeks.
I didn’t want to cry in school. I was one of those people who once I started crying, I couldn’t stop until my face was red and blotchy and I didn’t have any tears left to cry. It was then obvious to everyone that I’d been crying and it only gave my bullies more ammunition against me.
Aoife saw the tears and sprung off the bathroom sink, immediately by my side. “Oh, sweetheart. It’s alright. It’s not that bad.”
She threw her arms around me and I was so shocked by the movement that I leant into her. She was warm and soft and I don’t think I’ve been hugged this way in a long, long time.
I sniffed into her shirt as she ran her hands through my hair.
“Is this about your hair?” She pulled back to ask me.
I wiped my eyes, sniffing. “Yeah… I hate it. I hate it so much.”
“Well,” she smiled brightly. “We can’t have that. You’re absolutely stunning Shannon and there’s so much you can do with short hair.”
“Easy for you to say,” I looked her up and down. Aoife would look good with short hair or long hair or no hair at all. I think she’d look good in anything. I’m not as blessed.
She raised an eyebrow. “I can cut my hair short as well to prove a point?”
“No, no,” I said quickly. “Don’t do that. Your hair’s so pretty.”
“And so is yours.” She said, encouragingly. “You just need to learn to style it. Here, I think I might have something.”
She pulled her handbag onto the counter and started digging through, pulling out item after item. I don’t think she had anything in her bag that was actually school related, it was just full of hair-products, make-up and packets of rolos.
“You carry this with you everyday?” I let out a small giggle as the contents of the bag seemed to never end.
“Uh huh.” She grinned. “You never know when there’s going to be a hair emergency.”
She reached up and twirled one of the strands of my hair in her fingers, tilting her head and studying me. “Hmmm… I think we can braid these bits and then we can pin it behind your head like this? How does this look?”
I took a deep breath and peeked at myself in the mirror. Aoife was standing behind me, holding the top half of my hair behind me. It’s a small difference but already I look less sunken and more alive than I’ve ever looked in my life.
“That… that looks really good.” I said, my voice still small.
“Yay.” She dropped the strands to clap her hands. “Okay, okay. Let’s do this. I’ll grab some pins.”
I stare at my reflection in silence as Aoife works, her face twisted in concentration as she braids and twists my hair out of my face, slowly bringing life back to me. I’m amazed at how quickly it changes my whole face.
“Wow.” I said softly, staring in awe at myself. “I look…”
“Awesome, right?” She squeals leaning over me to meet my eyes in the mirror. She’s tall so she can stand behind me with her hands on her shoulder and the top of my head still only starts after her chin. She’s grinning ear to ear and her grin is so contagious that I find myself smiling wider than I have in a while.
Even Joey hasn’t made me smile like that recently.
“Oh!” She ran back to her bag. “Here, let’s just put a touch of mascara on and you should be good to go!”
I faltered at that. My dad didn’t let me wear make-up at all. He said it was for sluts and whores and that if I wanted to start doing that he’d kick me out to the streets so I could do it properly. And mascara was one that I particularly avoided because when you cried it streaked down your face. It was like highlighting to everyone that you were an easy target.
“I’m not too sure.” I said quietly.
“Really?” She spun around, the mascara wand in her hand. “I think it would really finish the look.”
“I just… I don’t like wearing mascara because it runs, you know?” I said hesitantly.
“Ah,” she tilted her head at me, considering. “Well… when I’m having a bad day and I don’t want to cry, I make myself put on loads of mascara and loads of makeup. Because when I don’t, I feel like I’m giving myself permission to cry and that’s the last thing I want to do. So I put a shit-ton of makeup as a way to stop myself from crying. Do you think that would help you?”
I tilted my head. Strangely, the logic made sense. “I mean… I guess I could give it a go.”
She beamed. “Perfect. Worse comes to worse and you can always wash it off.”
I held my eyes steady and she lightly touched up my eyelashes.
“Urgh, you’re so beautiful.” She gushed. “I wish I had your eyelashes. They’re so thick and long. I’m so jealous.”
I smiled nervously at Aoife, looking up at her as I did. I flushed at the compliment. I don’t remember the last time anyone had said anything positive about how I looked.
As I turned back to the mirror, I smiled at myself for the first time in a while. I can’t believe I was saying it but I actually looked pretty.
“Thank you,” I said, turning to her, my voice filled with sincerity. “I don’t… I just… thank you.”
She beamed. “It’s no problem. It’s been good talking to you.”
“Um… how can I make it up to you? I’ll… repay you in some way.”
“No, need.” Aoife swatted her hand in the air. “I told you. You’re Joey’s sister so I want to get to know you.”
“But still,” I insisted. “Can I… do something for you?”
It was a stupid and useless statement. What could I possibly do for her? She was perfect, beautiful and clearly needed no help in her life. How could someone like me help someone like her?
She just smiled. “Tell you what. When you next see that brother of yours, can you tell him that he needs to reply to my messages?”
“Joey’s not talking to you?” I wrinkled my eyebrows in concern. If I was Joey, I would never want to stop talking to this girl.
She winked. “You know what he’s like. It’s hot and cold with him.”
I didn’t know that at all. Whenever I messaged Joey, he always replied as soon as he picked up his phone. But I didn’t say that. Instead I just nodded.
“Brilliant.” Aoife began to pack up all her stuff back into her bag, swinging it over her shoulder. “And Shan?” She turned around at the doorway of the bathroom, looking back at me one last time.
“Yeah?”
“If any of those girls give you hassle again, just say something, okay?”
I nodded. I knew in my heart that I wouldn’t go running to Aoife at the first sign of trouble, like she implied. I would likely run and hide in the bathroom, trembling, rather than go up to her and talk to her. But still, it was comforting to know that I had someone else in this school in my corner. It was comforting to know that she existed and she was nice to me and maybe, just maybe, we might get to know each other a bit more and be friends.
I watched the bathroom door as she gave me one last wink before disappearing. Like a fairy-godmother, she’d given me a new version of myself and restored what little confidence that I’d had to begin with.
I took a deep breath, pushing my way out of the bathroom.
It was time to face the world again.
Maybe this time, I could learn to be just a little bit braver.