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It was dark outside, only the stars witness to his thoughts, nothing else outside here in this godforsaken place. Only the stars and him, only the darkness of the night and him. An old friend, a silent one, one who would never betray, never hurt. A constant companion, a loyal companion, giving strength when it was needed and when there was no energy left to ask for it, lending a listening ear when he couldn't even sort himself anymore through the chaos in his head.
Once upon a time, Jace had been that friend.
His best friend. His brother. His parabatai.
Once upon a time there had been a complicated and stressful but still happy family, and now, nothing was left anymore.
Nothing but darkness and him.
And the loneliness in a broken heart that didn't even know anymore that it could feel such a breathtaking pain.
It hurt. His heart, his body, his mind. Every breath, every thought.
It was like Jace's betrayal, his sacrifice, him giving up everything to save them, like it had taken half of Alec with him, ripped it away without knowing. And every single day now it got worse, like he was still breaking apart. He couldn't sleep, couldn't stay awake. Couldn't think, couldn't fight, couldn't practice.
His heart a mess, his head a single jumbled chaotic frantic pounding.
Alec couldn't even remember anymore when he had last gone a day without a headache. Without this constant reminder that everything was slipping right out of his control, more and more, had it first been just at the tip of his fingers, just out of reach, was it now so far gone that he couldn't even see it anymore.
Everything was just falling apart. Everyone was falling apart or moving on and no one had the strength left or even a thought to looking over their shoulders and seeing that Alec hadn't been able to keep up for weeks now.
Ever since this redheaded child had stepped into their lives and turned everything upside down.
They had been happy, content, they had had a good life. And of course nothing had been perfect and of course there had been conflicts with his parents and there had been stress. But their world hadn't been at war, hadn't even been on the brink of it.
And now?
Now Valentine had the cup. Jace was gone, half of their world deemed him a traitor, the other a hero, and they were fighting against each other instead of uniting against the Circle.
And Clary and Izzy, so utterly focused on getting Jace back, on proving that he had a plan, that he hadn't been led by his stupid blind need to protect the people he cared about, hadn't thought twice before jumping into action.
Because he had Alec. Alec to figure out the rest, Alec to find a way out, Alec to be the smart one.
Just...He wasn't there. No Alec. No Jace. Apart.
No sign of Jace for weeks, no way to know if Valentine hadn't broken him by now.
Isabelle. Lydia. His mother. Everyone looking, everyone waiting, everyone judging, but no one saw him, no one heard him, now one could understand.
He was alone.
For the first time in his entire life he was utterly and truly alone, and Alec had no idea what to do, what to think, what to say. He wanted to be alone, wanted to disappear into the darkness and make sure that his decisions would never hurt another person, would never push anyone away again, would never have anyone look at him with shame in their eyes again.
He had fucked up. Created one mess after the other, and there was no way out anymore.
None.
It was over.
The darkness crept closer, clouds falling over the stars in the night sky and the world was thrown into black shadows. Alec didn't even really notice, eyes set on nothing in particular, mind pleasantly blank where he was sitting in the middle of the clearing of a forest hours away from the Institute, knees drawn to his chest, arms hugging his legs with a strength that he was surprised to still be capable of.
There was nothing here that could draw his attention, just trees, just nature and the sky above him. No heartbeats, no voices, no movements, no looks. He had tried mediating upon first arriving, tried to let familiar techniques clear whatever chaos he had fallen into away, but nothing had worked, and he had continued to stare into the darkness until it had all but consumed him and locked his troubles and fears away.
Fears.
When had he gotten so scared, when had he let himself be controlled by fear, by emotions? Hadn't be always be so fixed upon following the rules, upon not letting feelings get in the way?
And now?
Now he couldn't even breathe because there was so much inside of him, unable to get out, unable to find a way to let him live them, show them. And Magnus? Whatever he was feeling for Magnus had just over night become the least of his problems. Too much, it just was too much, and Alec didn't know what to do, no one around to teach him, no one with time to explain, to understand.
And could someone? Explain this? Any of it?
He was too far gone in his head to see the portal between the trees on his left, too far gone to see the person stepping out of it and looking around until they saw his sunken self sitting in the middle of the meadow. Open. Raw. Defenseless. Alone.
So so alone.
Alec only got aware of the other person's presence when gentle fingers stroked through his hair and softly parted them, and he breathed out loud and long and dropped his forehead onto his knees, shoulders sinking even lower as he let the last of his guards down and his defense melt away.
Open. Just for him now. Only just for him now.
The one person maybe that he would never be able to be strong for.
“Did someone sent you?” he whispered as Magnus sat down next to him, one hand still in his hair, gentle dragging fingers back and forth and the gesture was so soothing that it nearly sent Alec back into that tailspin of panicked overwhelmed everything. He didn't deserve this, didn't deserve the softness, the carefulness and the gentle care, he had fucked up, he had fucked everything up. He deserved the shame, he deserved the pain and the blame and everyone looking at him not knowing what to do and then getting angry when he didn't have any answers as well.
“No.” Magnus answered, strangely subdued, no bright cheerful excitement and Alec rolled his head to the side until he could look at the warlock who was looking at him as well, face cast in shadows, but his eyes he would see everywhere, even with eyes closed Alec would always be able now to know exactly how Magnus' eyes looked.
Was that love? Was that trust? Being in love? Falling in love?
It was so frightening, so much. So beautiful and big.
“I came here on my own, out of...concern for you.” Magnus continued and his fingers stroked down sideways until the tips of them caressed Alec's left ear and then his cheek, before Magnus curled one warm palm around his jaw. “Isabelle wrote me about the lock down at the Institute, that no one had seen you for hours but Lydia of all people was covering for you? Found that very peculiar. And look at that, a little search brought me right here. Far away from New York.”
Alec sighed and closed his eyes, focused on the feeling of Magnus hand on his face, the warmth and the strength behind it, this simple act of care.
“I'm sorry if I worried you.” He said quietly, powerless, breathless and Magnus gave a small sound of annoyance, but Alec didn't have the energy left for a long moment to open his eyes again.
“Don't be sorry, you have all reason to need to get away, after everything these people are pushing onto your shoulders.” Magnus explained just as quiet and when Alec opened his eyes again, he found Magnus looking up at the sky.
“Izzy told you some more than just about the lock up.” He tried to deadpan but choked up somewhere in the middle, even his voice betraying him now, Magnus turned his face towards him again and smiled, and that alone chased away a part of the darkness inside of Alec again.
He didn't understand it. Not at all. Didn't know if he should welcome it or not, but it felt so good. It felt so good to stop pretending, to stop being strong all the damn time, to just give in.
“She worries, apparently you've been too quiet. And evading.” Magnus recited from memory almost and Alec rolled his eyes, closed them again because they were so heavy, “When's the last time you slept? A full night.” Magnus threw in afterward as if he already knew that Alec would have found a way around the right answer, it almost made Alec smile, that after so little time they already knew each other so well it seemed.
“The night before Clary turned up?” Alec threw out as a question, leaning into Magnus' hand as the other's thumb slowly began to stroke over his cheek. “Honestly though, I can't even remember, it feels like too long ago.”
“You need a break.” Magnus told him and Alec snorted, felt his entire chest constrict painfully with that move, “Get away from all of this, if only for one day. Alexander, you are hurting yourself.”
“I'm...” And he didn't even have the words to lie, to distract, to deflect, so Alec just sighed again and slumped further into himself, “Magnus, I...I don't think I can talk right now.” And Magnus moved his hand away from his cheek and for just one short moment Alec panicked, deep and quick, thoughts over what he had done now already flaring up, but it all disappeared when Magnus pushed an arm around his shoulders and tugged until gravity let Alec fall against him.
“Then we won't talk.” Magnus spoke out and leaned his head against Alec's, “I just don't want you to be alone, Alexander. Our worlds are not...safe anymore, not for Shadowhunters. Especially not for Jace Wayland's parabatai.” And the reminder of that had Alec wince, Magnus tightened the hold of his arm around Alec's shoulders.
--
They sat there in the meadow in silence for a while until the clouds in the east began to grumble with the promise of thunder and a storm. Not in any mood to return to the Institute anytime soon, Alec took Magnus up on the offer to return to his apartment. A quick travel by portal later, he found himself standing in the middle of Magnus' living room, ready to fall asleep where he was standing, exhaustion falling over him like a landslide the second he realized that he didn't have to keep any guards up any longer.
Magnus' apartment was safe, safe from everything. Might it be demons or Maryse Lightwood. Might it be vampires, werewolves, seelies or Valentine. Neither would be able to get to him.
Here he was safe.
Here he could be himself.
“Sleeping while standing is not an option I'm gonna let you get away with, Alexander.” Magnus drew him out of his thoughts and Alec blinked open his eyes, unaware that he had closed them. He found Magnus standing right in front of him, smiling in half amusement and half fondness, jacket already taken off, “And if you even bring up any strength runes, I'm going to take that stele and drop it off the balcony. Dare me, Alexander.”
“I won't.” Alec promised, “I know when I've stepped past my limits, Magnus.” He continued and bit back the sigh when Magnus reached up to unzip his jacket and slide it off his shoulders, “Just because I remain stubborn over it most of the time doesn't mean I don't see the signs.” Magnus snorted and then walked over to the couch to drop Alec's jacket over the back of it. Alec tried to get himself to move but it was as if his feet were suddenly too heavy.
“Are you gonna make an argument for the couch as well?” Magnus wanted to know and turned back to him, one eyebrow raised, challenge in his eyes. Alec could feel his face heat, throat getting tight for a moment and he looked down at the ground, at least until fingers tipped his chin up again, “Are you?” Magnus asked him, eyes making clear that he wasn't pushing Alec to do anything.
“I was raised to do so. It is the honorable way to ask.” Alec smiled weakly and Magnus snorted again, louder this time while he let his hand cup Alec's face.
“You're currently hiding out here to get away from your mother. I think we can let go of that honor for one night.” Magnus pointed out correctly and Alec met his eyes.
“We still haven't gone on that date.” He whispered and Magnus chuckled, dropping his hand from Alec's face and holding it out in a silent offer until Alec grabbed it.
“Well, blame that on Valentine, hm? We'll get our time.” Magnus promised and began to walk down the corridor, tugging Alec gently behind him.
--
The bed – Magnus' bed – that Alec dropped down on after kicking off his shoes was so soft and so welcoming that he nearly fell asleep the second his head hit the pillow. And though everything smelled like Magnus in this place that couldn't have any more privacy, his bedroom, Alec had no thought left for awkwardness or embarrassed stutters. No energy anymore for over-thinking everything, rules be damned, he was tired and lonely, he was hurt, and he didn't want to be so alone anymore.
Marcus laid down next to him, on his side and facing him, pulling the blanket over them and Alec sighed when Magnus' hand stroked through his hair again. It was too good to not welcome it openly anymore and he curled closer against Magnus, smiled against his chest when Magnus let his other arm fall around Alec's waist.
“Now, sleep.” Magnus told him, voice barely above a breath and Alec let his eyes fall shut, “Sleep, and the rest? We'll face that tomorrow. Together, Alexander.” And his name falling from Magnus' lips was the last thing Alec heard before sleep finally claimed him.
Magnus though laid awake for longer still, watched the young man in his arms, the dark bags under his eyes, the strain he had thrown his body under, the pressure on his shoulders, put there by others but most of all by himself. He noticed and saw how Alec slipped away into the peace of sleep, body going entirely limp and as Magnus noted with a happy smile melting further against him until Alec was resting his head right next to where Magnus' heart was beating inside of his chest.
And it floored him, let his veins fill with something so pleasant that he couldn't even name it, this was more than just love. This was something deeper.
Something that Maryse Lightwood would not be able to take away from them.
As sleep slowly began to tug at his mind as well, Magnus rolled onto his back and subconsciously Alec followed, plastering himself to Magnus' side, head coming to rest upon the others' chest, arm falling around Magnus' stomach. Their worlds were on the brink of an ugly war against a deranged man, friends were in danger and so many people were against what they had, but Magnus didn't give the smallest care about any of it anymore.
Not when he finally had Alec this close.
Not while he knew that together they could find a way out of this.
--
Alec woke up under a hazy blanket of cotton on his mind, that beautiful feeling of slowly letting your mind step out of dreams and unconsciousness back into reality. His face was half buried in a soft pillow where he was lying on his stomach, feeling the blanket only covering his legs anymore, but he wasn't cold. Mostly due to the body right beside him, and the hand softly stroking through Alec's hair.
It took a few minutes still until Alec stopped letting himself float around in this beautiful wonderful happiness, he felt reborn almost. His mind no longer felt close to exploding, his body was no longer just one heavy mass, he was even smiling, completely relaxed, and as he let his eyes flutter open Alec wondered just how long he had slept.
With his eyes open he saw Magnus sitting up against the headboard, legs outstretched and one hand flipping through the book on his thighs, just like Alec still wearing last night's clothes.
“Morning?” He mumbled as a question and Magnus started laughing, setting the book to the side and sliding down again while Alec rolled himself onto his back, dragging a hand down his face.
“You are incredibly adorable upon waking up, I should have not expected any different.” Magnus told him with a smile, reaching out to trace a finger along Alec's cheekbones, “Good morning indeed, though it's way past noon.”
“Wow.” Alec couldn't help but deadpan, “I can't remember the last time I was in bed this late.” Magnus snickered in reaction and after taking a good look into Alec's no more exhausted eyes, he moved to lean over Alec who could feel his heart skip but not break out into another panicked run. And as Magnus leaned down, Alec let his eyes slip close again, felt his breath stutter in his lungs for a quick second when Magnus' lips brushed against his own but then they were kissing.
And just like the first time, everything ceased to exist. Everything but them. For just this moment no problems, no stress, no chaos and fear.
It was perfect.
--
Alec spent the day mostly thinking and sorting things out inside his head, sitting on the balcony out of sight while Magnus worked and greeted costumers. Warlocks came and went, vampires and wolves argued over prices but then paid anyway. Even a few mundanes slipped in, bought stuff that Alec wasn't sure how they could believe in such a bullshit.
No one came looking though, even though Alec didn't kid himself, the Downworlders had definitely sensed the Nephilim sitting on a lounge chair on the balcony, alternatively scowling or smiling at the sky. Magnus swooshed in then and now in between appointments, stole a kiss or handed Alec something to eat, but most of the time he was alone and could think.
And he was actually rather surprised over how much one could figure out about things that seemed impossible to solve just a day ago if only one had a night of sleep. His brain was no longer one loud eternal scream and he downright had the beginning of a plan when a knock on the open balcony door interrupted his mediation.
Alec blinked himself back to the present and turned his head, surprised when he caught sight of Raphael leaning against the doorframe.
“I didn't want to interrupt but my time is short these days and I think we need to talk. From one of the Downworlder leaders to the leader of the New York Institute.” Raphael told him and Alec felt both of his eyebrows go up, in the background Magnus was laughing with a Seelie.
“I'm not the...” He began to protest but Raphael waved it away, shifting on his feet even though it surely wasn't necessary.
“You're the only leader we will speak to, even your people should be able to understand it, Lightwood.” The vampire pointed it out for him and Alec felt speechless, “It's either you or no one. I have to protect my people, you have to understand that. With Valentine back in the picture, we can't waste time differentiating between good shadowhunters, bad ones or the too Clave loyal ones. No angel blood near the hotel DuMort, unless it's you having called ahead.” Raphael put the deal down and Alec nodded, still too overrun to come up with anything else, “Fantastic, Magnus can give you my number. Adios.”
And then Raphael was gone again and Alec didn't really waste any time on it for now, one thing after the other, just now another point on his mental list.
He could do this.
--
When the sun had dropped and Magnus locked the door behind his last guest, Alec had switched over to the couch, feeling almost himself again. Magnus got them some dinner and then amused Alec with stories about his day, and their conversation didn't switch back to Alec's problems until they were relaxed next to each other on the couch, movie playing in the background.
"Tell me three things you want. Just you, not the Shadowhunter in you, not Alec Lightwood. Just Alexander, what does Alexander want?" Magnus asked and he half expected to not get an answer, to find his lover lost for word. And indeed Alec was quiet for a long moment but then looked up, caught Magnus' eyes with ease again and reached out to intertwine their fingers. Magnus smiled at the gesture, relieved to see him strong and determined again.
"I want this, you and me. I want Jace found and brought back home...and..." Alec broke off again, frowned a little and Magnus squeezed his hand, saw it sitting on the tip of the others' tongue, waiting to be spoken out loud. A truth ready to be spoken.
"And?" He prompted gently and Alec looked out over Brooklyn, over Manhattan in the distance.
"I want my Institute back." Alec said with a voice that couldn't possibly be more filled with strength and conviction.
“Then start there.” Was all Magnus had to say, “I'll be with you all the way.” And Alec laughed, curled back against him and enjoyed the peaceful silence.
--
To Lydia Branwell:
'I have a plan. Stick to Raj tomorrow morning.'
--
“You sure you don't want to come?” Alec asked the next morning and glanced to Magnus who smiled, one hand already poised to create the portal that would bring right back into the heart of the Institute. Dramatic entrance for dramatic overtaking, Magnus had needed some time to convince him of it still yesterday but Alec had soon seen the sign behind it.
People needed to be reminded of who he was, and nothing worked better in that category than in showing them just whom he was allied with now.
Allied.
What an interesting word for what Magnus and him were.
“I am very sure, this is your moment, and I got work to do anyway.” Magnus reminded him gently and stroked one last time over Alec's hair, “You ready?” And Alec took a deep breath and then blew it out again, centering himself and then quickly leaned over to catch Magnus' lips for a quick kiss.
“Now, I'm ready.” He said and with his eyes still half closed Magnus chuckled, one flick of his fingers later they were standing in front of the purple portal. “I'll call you tonight.” Alex promised and Magnus smiled.
One last moment shared just between them and then Alec straightened his shoulders and stepped through the portal.
Right into the suddenly frozen but clearly busy chaos of the main control room in the Institute. Alec stopped and then waited until the portal snapped away behind him, and only then did he raise his head and let his eyes flicker quickly around the room, looking for a blond head in a sea of black. And he found Lydia standing right next to the other shadowhunter he needed at the moment and with a hard edged frown on his face but a smile on the inside, Alec pushed himself into striding over to where Lydia and Raj were quite wonderfully leaning right where he needed them.
People stared at him but jumped right out of his way as Alec made his way through the control room over to the stairs that led up to the walkway at the back.
“So, what's the plan?” Raj asked when Alec came to stand with them, sending the other shadowhunters scurrying off to continue their work with one dark look Alec send down to them. Raj though looked so utterly relieved and happy to have Alec standing back here with them that Alec almost felt bad for leaving and taking yesterday to breathe, he placed a hand on his friend's shoulder.
“We're taking back what is ours. And I need you to organize a portal to Idris for Maryse.” Raj nodded, all professional attitude while Lydia raised an eyebrow at him using his mother's first name, “Until then keep her in the office or her room. Same goes for Izzy and Clary, I need them out of the way for now.” Alec clarified his orders and Raj gave one more nod before turning on the spot and walking off.
“Hi.” Lydia began when they were alone not a few seconds later and Alec snorted, accepting the quick hug she offered him, “You look better.”
“Thanks for having my back.” He told her in response and she smiled, nodded in understanding and he knew that whatever could have been ruined between them had survived after the chaotic turn of the wedding. Lydia was his friend, and he could rely on her.
“Always.” Lydia proved it again with the ease she had as she spoke that single word of promise and Alec nodded his head towards the control room. They both turned around, one elegant graceful movement that brought a few shadowhunters to a stop once more.
“How long do you think we'll have until the Clave is at our back?” Alec wanted to know then as they observed the people working at their stations with only some glances thrown in their directions.
Alec noted that most of them looked happy whenever they were still able to spot him up there.
“Couple of days, they're in a panic themselves over Valentine's return and the Cup. If we until then bring in some results or even in any way lessen the panicked scuttle of 'shit, shit, shit' in this city, we might actually have a chance to get away with it.” Lydia reported him almost and then there was a moment of silence, broken when they snorted in sync, “Well, a girl can dream. Let's get to work?”
“Let's get to work.” Alec agreed and then whistled, once, hard and loud, and he took probably a little bit too much pleasure in how the entire staff flinched into attention with heads snapping around and bodies freezing. “Gather around. Your new Institute Heads want to get this show back on track.”
And then while he handed out orders and demands and people nod at him, and downright call him 'Sir' a few times while showing that they had understood, Alec felt his lips curl up into what almost had to be half a smile.
This would work.
He would get this Institute back under his control, with people who trusted him, who answered to Lydia and him, they could make this work, marriage or not, the Clave would cave under results. For now Alec believed in that hope anyway.
--
In the evening he would call Magnus and tell him about his mother's temper tantrum and the utter echoing sigh of relief when Raj's trusted men had finally managed to get her into the damn portal to Idris – one way ticket if Lydia was right, the Clave wouldn't agree to another portal so soon.
Alec would tell him about the looks in the eyes of his people after Maryse had been gone while Raj snored on the other end of the couch in the living room and Lydia and Izzy were working on teaching Clary more runes, and Max was pretending not to be overly curious over their doings while reading a book himself.
And Magnus would laugh and the sound would warm Alec's heart, and he in turn would tell Alec everything about his day. About the visit to Raphael that had Magnus grumbling in no time, about the quick trips he was called out for whenever someone thought they had seen a Circle member.
But after Alec promised to send out some shadowhunters to investigate, they stopped the shop talk and quickly got back to talking as if Alec hadn't left all these hours ago.
And Alec knew that he was stronger now, that he had the part of his family at his side who would fight for him, who understood him, that he had friends standing with him. That his hands were once more holding the reigns of the New York Institute with Lydia's support to give him strength. With the wolf pack allied to them, with the Du Mort vampires at least not on any direct conflict course with them for a change, if not more if Alec found the nerve to actually hold a conversation with Raphael or his bloody fledgling for longer than one second.
And Magnus. Even without a label on what they had, Alec had Magnus, and Magnus had him, and they would get through this with their heads attached to their necks. They would win, simple as that, Valentine wouldn't succeed.
“I gotta go now, need to check on some potions before sitting down and calling it a day. Call you tomorrow?” Magnus turned their conversation to an end and Alec smiled.
“How about see you tomorrow if you have the time?” He offered and Magnus chuckled, telling him to go on, “I think I can make dinner time.” Alec said and then ignored the three looks of cheeky amusement he got from the three female shadowhunters in the room.
“I would be most happy to see you, Alexander. See you tomorrow then.” And they said their goodbyes and Alec set his phone to the side, was even half tempted to just set it on mute, but the times were too risky for that now.
“Alec?”
Looking up again, Alec found Max frowning at the book in his hands where he was still curled up on the armchair closest to the window.
“What's up?”
“Can you explain this?” And Max would stab his finger a little frustratedly onto the page of the old book, and Alec would grin and stand up, walk over to his baby brother and then pull him up and into his lap after he had sat down on the armchair himself.
“What is this and what don't you understand?” He asked and then listened to what his brother had to say, Max curled up against him.
Jace's absence was still a gaping hole in this picture, but they would get him back.
It was gonna be okay.
For now Alec was as happy as he could be.
The End.