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It was a normal day in the phouse— Dan had been gaming with his online friends for one hour too many for his own productivity standards. He was annoyed with himself for not having stopped sooner. Usually this didn’t happen thanks to Phil. Yes, Phil usually creeped into the office at around hour five, craving for attention, an ear that listens to his yaps or a companion to watch Buffy with.
Tonight is different— Phil hadn’t interrupted him, which is unusual. Dan frowned and pulled his earphones off. Had Phil been caught up in some other kind of activity, making him lose track of time?
Dan stood up to investigate this weird phenomenon. He himself was craving some cuddles and chats with his best friends after so many hours, and he was going to get what he wanted.
Dan stood in the hallway for a moment, trying to decide whether he should go up the stairs and try looking for Phil there or if he should check the bedrooms first. Just as Dan was about to take a step toward the stairs, something caught his attention— a faint noise was coming out of the green bedroom.
Dan’s heart skipped a beat as he recognized the tune as the theme music from Final Fantasy. His feet immediately started walking toward the bedroom. A tight feeling settled itself in his chest, making everything feel more uncomfortable.
Carefully, he opened the door to the bedroom, bracing himself or what he was going to find there. The light was off which Dan found concerning. Then, a sound that he hated more than anything— Phil drawing in a labored breath. Dan stopped in his tracks and calmed himself down. Phil was crying or almost crying. That’s one of the things that Dan hated the most in the world.
“Phil?” Dan said quietly. Phil didn’t respond, but Dan could see him shift. Phil was laying on his side in the bed, back to the door. Dan needed to evaluate the situation before going into a full panic mode. It might not be as bad as his anxious brain was making it out to be.
Dan turned the lights on and slowly approached his shivering partner. The Final Fantasy music was playing gently in the background.
Dan saw Phil’s face when he got to his side of the bed. His face was scrunched up with a few tears on his cheeks, but not inconsolable sobbing. He could deal with a few tears. Yes. It was a salvageable situation.
“Phil?” Dan tried again.
Phil shifted again, but this time he opened his eyes to look at Dan from the bed. His eyes were red-rimmed and puffy. A look that Dan wasn’t used to seeing on Phil. His boyfriend was a silly, chill guy that rarely was sad or cried. It made Dan feel all the more useless and hopeless when Phil did cry.
Dan crouched down next to the bed and placed his hand on Phil’s cheek gently. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
Phil looked at him and tried to smile. “Sorry, it’s stupid. I don’t know what got into me.”
Dan didn’t like the dismissive tone. Phil had comforted him hundreds of times when he was feeling sad or depressed over the years. He wanted to do the same for him.
“No, none of that. What’s wrong? Are you feeling sad?” Dan smoothed his hand over Phil’s side in comforting motions. Phil looked at him with glossy eyes and sniffled a bit more.
“It’s stupid. I didn’t want to worry you, but look how that turned out for me,” Phil said quietly.
Dan leaned closer and pressed a little peck on Phil’s cheek. He loved these little, mundane ways of showing affection, and he knew that Phil loved receiving them.
“Please, don’t shut me out, I want to hear the stupid things too,” Dan whispered, knowing that Phil was about to bend to his wishes and open up to him.
The music stopped playing, drawing both of their attention. Phil took the little music box into his hands and twisted the lever to make the box play the tune once again. It brought back many fond memories for Dan, just as it did for Phil. Memories from the beginning of their relationship, all the excitement and butterflies in his stomach.
“Can you cuddle me? It would make me feel better,” Phil said. He was looking at Dan with those perfect, sky blue eyes. There was no world in which Dan would deny such a request. Dan nodded and climbed over Phil’s body onto the bed. He stretched his arms, one over Phil’s torso, the other under his neck and clasped his hands together on Phil’s chest. Simultaneously, Phil inched himself backward, closer to Dan’s chest and grabbed Dan’s upper arms.
Dan snuggled his head into the crook of Phil’s neck, placing kisses there to comfort his boyfriend. Phil sighed like a content cat and snuggled closer to Dan’s chest.
“Is this good?” Dan wanted to confirm. Phil nodded and wiped his cheek. It was quiet for a moment, the both of them were enjoying the closeness that they had craved for hours while Dan had been playing. The music was a soothing presence in the room that helped create the perfect atmosphere for a heart-to-heart.
“Mom called earlier,” Phil started. Dan’s heart skipped a beat. If Kath's phone call was connected to Phil suddenly crying, it could be very bad. Dan hummed in response, almost holding his breath.
“It wasn’t anything bad, don’t worry. I mean, she talked about all the mundane stuff that’s been going on over there. But then she mentioned dad having been to the hospital. He had been stubborn and not wanting to go for a mole mom had been worried about. Turns out it was skin cancer,” Phil said quietly. Dan’s stomach dropped upon hearing the c-word. He squeezed Phil a little tighter and gave him a kiss to the neck.
“Skin cancer? Is he okay?”
Phil chuckled humourlessly. “Yes. It was caught early thanks to mom and they just cut it out. It hadn’t spread and it wasn’t even melanoma.”
“That’s good, right? Why are you sad?” Dan said, breathing in Phil’s scent.
“It’s good. The best outcome that we could have. I can’t explain it, but I became so sad after hearing it. I mean, they are getting older. These sorts of health issues will happen more and more often the more time passes,” Phil said. His voice was slightly shaking. Phil didn’t like being vulnerable or sharing his deepest, most raw feelings. He had worked on it through the years, but from time to time Dan had to make sure that he wasn’t bottling up anything in an effort to not stress him out.
“You are scared of losing them?” Dan asked. He was trying to encourage Phil to lay it all out in the open so that nothing would be left to fester in his mind.
“I guess— it’s more than that though,” Phil said. He pressed his back closer to Dan’s chest, maybe in an effort to feel his heartbeat. Dan pressed a kiss on his shoulder in response.
“More than that?”
Phil was quiet for a moment after that question, letting the moment breathe between them. He was not in a hurry to find the right words— he knew that Dan was there for him for as long as he needed.
“It’s just scary— how fast time is passing the older we get. I’m going to be 40 next year, isn’t that crazy?”
Phil didn’t like to talk about the passage of time, oftentimes hiding behind the shield of denial about their ages, the length of the relationship or his youtube career. Dan knew that there was a real part of fearing the passage of time and the unknown in the middle of the silliness. Usually he let it pass, not acknowledging the fear because it was easier that way. Now that fear had to be addressed, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.
“It’s just another year. The number doesn’t matter or define you,” Dan said against Phil’s neck.
“I know it doesn’t, I’m at peace with the number itself. But it represents something real. My parents are getting older. I don’t want to lose them. I don’t want us to become old and wrinkly, it’s so scary to think about how the last five years have gone by in the blink of an eye. Will the next ten years pass by this quickly, and suddenly my parents are gone?” Phil sounded so sad, it made Dan’s throat feel tight.
“It won’t be that fast. We’ll live every moment together and make memories together on the way there,” Dan said reassuringly.
Phil drew in a shaky breath. “I know we will. It’s the part I’m most looking forward to.”
The music stopped again. Phil took the box into his hands and twisted the lever. The music started playing, lulling Dan into a sense of comfort, surrounded by the years of memories the song represented for him.
“But knowing it doesn’t make it less scary, right?” Dan offered.
Phil nodded. “I just love our life and what we do so much. Maybe that’s why the health stuff scares me so much. It’s something that’s out of our control.”
Dan nodded into Phil’s neck. He wanted Phil to say these things out loud, to give them shape so that they could be properly filed in his mind. Unknown things were the most frightening.
“I can’t make time stop for you, but I can promise to be there with you every step of the way. Until we are both old and wrinkled. We don’t have to think about what comes after that. Let’s worry about it when we are actually old. How does that sound?” Dan said. He was unconsciously counting Phil’s breaths, to make sure that they were getting slower.
“I would love that. To be wrinkly together and remember all the amazing things we got to do together,” Phil said. His voice was quivering again. Dan slapped himself internally, he had overcorrected the course, making Phil cry more out of his intense love for Dan. His plan had been to make Phil less sad and turn it into a more light hearted topic that ended in laughs.
“Bub, please don’t cry. You know I can’t handle it when you cry,” Dan said desperately. This finally drew a burst of giggles from Phil. They were mixed with the wet sobs though.
“Dan! I’m not crying on purpose! You rat, I was feeling sentimental about our life!”
Dan loosened his hold on Phil and inched backward. Phil let out a disappointed huff and turned to look back at Dan.
“Come on, turn around. I want to see your face properly,” Dan explained. Phil huffed once more and turned to face Dan. His eyes were still red and cheeks wet, but he looked more light-hearted than before they had talked.
Dan placed his hand on Phil’s cheek and caressed it gently. “I know that you are scared of the future and about getting older, losing loved ones. Whenever you feel like this, please come to me and don’t hide away like you did today. I want to hear all of these thoughts from you. How many times have you been there to listen to my cries?”
Phil smiled and closed his eyes. “Thank you for being there for me. I feel a lot better already.”
“Are you sure? You were so sad,” Dan said, studying Phil’s face carefully.
“It helps just to have you here with me. Being with you makes it feel like everything will be alright in the end. Isn’t that funny? It’s not like time will stop just because we are together,” Phil said.
Dan chuckled and played with a strand of Phil’s hair. “I know it. That’s how I felt all those years when it felt like everything was going to shit. There was this one twat that kept showing up for me, relentlessly reminding me of how good things could be if I just let go of my fear.”
Phil opened his eyes and nudged Dan to the side. “Hey! I’m not a twat, you rat!”
“You are my twat,” Dan said, leaning in closer. Phil’s eyes flicked between Dan’s eyes and lips before Dan closed the distance to kiss his boyfriend. Phil melted immediately into the kiss, deepening it. He grabbed Dan’s face with his slightly cool hand, making Dan shiver.
Phil pulled away, looking adorable with his red eyes and blushed cheeks. Dan wanted to put him into his pocket and keep him there forever.
“Thank you Dan, I feel a lot better. You are the best,” Phil whispered.
“I know, I’m an amazing boyfriend,” Dan said with a playful smile. Phil couldn’t disagree, instead he kissed Dan again.