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Shiori Novella does not think about the past. She can't.
It isn't from a place of not remembering, mind you— shes's a fucking Archiver for crying out loud — but because, what was there to think about?
It wasn't like she could turn back time and change whatever horrible thing happened. She didn't have that ability. It was someone else's. Even if she did, she highly doubts attempting that would be, in any way shape or form, a good idea.
(She tries not to linger on the possibility long anyways. Lest the Cell have another reason to keep her.)
Besides, it was one of the core things about being an Archiver.
Her purpose was to write things down. Archive them. Obviously. A three-year-old could figure that out. She wasn't some sort of hero or savior. All she does is note down mistakes others have made in hopes that, but not usually, others might learn from them.
And what has the great Archiver learned from all of this?
Life sucks. Life really fucking sucks.
And nothing could change that.
"Nope. Not at all."
That's why she had said what she said.
Nerissa and her end up going to the movies anways.
There wasn't anything else to do besides read while Nerissa pestered her endlessly — which she didn't mind, though she'll never admit it out loud — and nothing exciting was bursting through the doors of the library demanding their utmost attention. So watch a movie they did.
The movie they decided to watch was one Shiori had heard absolutely nothing about. Usually that would discourage her from watching it until she got some idea, but Nerissa practically begged. Had given her best puppy dog eyes and Shiori eventually, begrudgingly, agreed.
(She was already mentally deciding what snacks to buy for the both of them for the movie.)
In the beginning, the Archiver thought the movie was okay.
She liked the world-building. Dystopian. Dreary. Brutally realistic.
It didn't mean anything, of course, she was just interested. She's seen several cities, worlds and universes in that 'setting' with her own two eyes. To see how someone else might imagine it despite most likely never having actually experienced it was, again, interesting.
A lot of comparisons could be made but Shiori kept that at a minimum so she wouldn't unintentionally ruin the experience for Nerissa. That, and also because she didn't need anyone else in the theater wondering why she was saying the things she said. All they needed to know was that they were just two girls having fun.
She liked the protagonist too.
Not that much, but she felt attached.
She liked the character because she thought they were smart. Mellowed out and weathered by their experiences, they were practical, capable and level-headed. They had all the traits necessary to not only survive their dystopian world, but conquer it.
But then, the protagonist made some friends. Got a love interest—
(Yuck. That earned her an elbow in the rib by Nerissa.)
—and suddenly, everything was all rainbow and ponies and candy.
Except it wasn't. The world still sucked, but they kept acting like everything was okay.
It didn't matter. Shiori had never been one to judge a book or story too early.
By the end, she decided she didn't like the movie.
"You didn't like the movie?"
Shiori took a sip of her drink, trying to prolong giving an answer for as much as she could. When she could drink no more without seeming like she was deliberately avoiding the question, she puts her cup down and sighs.
"No, I didn't."
"Why not?"
Nerissa wasn't offended. Wasn't upset or confused. She was simply curious. Like a cat asking for attention you can't ignore.
Damn it, Reese.
Shiori sighs again, leaning back into her chair and looking around as if she was worried someone in the restaurant would hear.
They wouldn't. The two of them were the only ones sitting outside on the balcony, and even if there was someone eavesdropping, Shiori had no doubt Nerissa would have long done something about it.
She was stalling.
"The ending made no sense."
"How so?"
Shiori resists the twitch in her lip. There was no use getting frustrated at her dearest, beloved friend. (Ambiguous lover? Cellmate? Whatever.) They were just engaging in normal conversation. Shiori could do that. She was perfectly capable of doing that.
She doesn't even know why the movie has her so worked up in the first place anyways.
"It was too cliché," Shiori shrugs. She wanted this to be over with quickly, but because she couldn't go too long without being as contradictory as the colors of her hair, she just had to say more.
"It was stupid. The main protagonist was already set. They could've made it to the very top with all that money and fame. Instead, they didn't. And not only did they purposely choose to miss out on that, they're just plain delusional now."
Nerissa laughs. Normally, Shiori liked hearing her laugh. Right now, though, she feels far too antsy.
"I thought it was great. It was so heartwarming to see them take down their walls little by little and open up to people. See how they bonded with the other characters and become domestic with their partner at the end."
"It doesn't matter. In that kind of world, now they're even more in danger. The protagonist and their new family. They just made it worse."
Will make it hurt worse.
"They should've just climbed that corporate ladder or food chain or whatever and stayed there untouchable. Could've lived out the rest of their days unbothered. There. Story end."
Shiori didn't know how things had gotten so wildly out of hand. Out of her control.
She couldn't explain it. Couldn't think. All she felt was unarmed.
Like a cornered, feral animal. Swiping with claws and snapping with teeth at any hand that dared draw close. Eyes slitted and focused only on survival. An instinct that could only be born from being chained for so long.
Shiori swallows as she feels a phantom weight on her wrists.
The Demon of Sound's harmonious giggles pull her out of that dark pit.
"Yeah, maybe you're right. The penthouse they showed was really nice. All the cars too. And the endless variety of food."
Nerissa smiles softly. The kind of smile that really reaches her eyes. The kind of look that makes you feel as though you're being wrapped in soft velvet sheets.
"But… I think it would've been lonely living like that. Really lonely. And sad."
Shiori scoffs. She scoffs so hard the drink she swallowed earlier could've come back up her throat.
"But then they're just going to get really depressed when it all ends. When they fuck up or when someone else decides to fuck them up cause that always— it's always bound to happen. And when it does happen — cause it will — they're never going to be the same ever again."
The Archiver is left panting. She doesn't get it. She's gone on enough tangents to fill the Archives several times over. Why was she so out of breath now?
"That— that stupid, fucking idiot shouldn't have done that. It doesn't change anything. Nothing changes anything."
Shiori doesn't know how much time passes.
All she knows is that by the time she's calmed down enough from her unexpected outburst, she can feel the night's cool wind on her skin. She can feel the indents in her palms from clenching her fists too tightly.
She can feel the gaping hole between her ribs. The severe guilt.
"Nerissa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean—"
"I still think about life before the Cell. From time to time."
Shiori snaps her mouth shut.
"I get sad, of course. The grief for my horn. For my powers. For those happier and simpler times. Things I can never get back. I used to think a lot like you said. Nothing changes anything. Especially during my time in the Cell. What's the point, right?"
Nerissa's gaze falls to her hand, held out open on the table between them, eyes brimming with such immense fondness it makes Shiori's chest hurt.
"Then you came bursting into my cell. Literally." A small grin tugs at the corner of Nerissa's lips. "Debris in your hair. Wild look in your eyes. Two demon dogs and a tiny gem with you. You took me by the hand and led me out with the rest. Out of the Cell. Out to freedom. And you kept leading us forward."
The Archiver clenches her jaw. She's not a hero. She's not a savior.
"Do you remember the day you came to my room with food?"
"Those were… a lot of days, Rissa."
Nerissa chuckles. "Right, yeah. But do you remember the first time?"
Shiori nods. The usually chipper demon had been particularly quiet that week. She hadn't left her room a lot and she'd been skipping meals.
Shiori may be decent at whipping up some food now, but she was especially bad during that time. So much so, she might as well have had a health hazard sign magically appear on her forehead anytime she was remotely close to the kitchen.
With Nerissa obviously being out of the question to ask and Shiori not wanting to bother the other three, she decided to go out and buy some food.
It's utterly embarrassing whenever she thinks about it. She hadn't even fully realized what she was doing until it was too late. Until she was at Nerissa's door while clutching several bags of fast food in both her hands.
(She never and has never found herself regretting it though.)
"That day, it made me realize something." Nerissa stands up from her seat and walks over to the railing, leaning against it as she looks up at the night sky. "I might not be able to get back that life before the Cell, but I can definitely feel happy again. I just have to let myself. Wanna know how I came to that realization?"
"How?" Shiori asks.
Nerissa turns to her. "You, Shiorin. You made that change."
"Rissa—"
"And not just for me. But for the other girls too. That'll continue to spread, you know? To the next person they meet, then the next person, then the next. Maybe what you do seems small and inconsequential to you, but there is an effect. Doesn't matter how small it is, it will always mean something."
"Those words… those words don't mean anything to me anymore, Rissa." Oh, but Shiori wants them to. So, so badly she wants them to. But habit punches her hopes down like it always does. Like it always has.
She's an Archiver after all. All she does — all she's done — is note down her own mistakes in hopes that she might learn from them.
"I'll prove it to you then. Just watch me," Nerissa says, all determined. Like the love interest in the movie.
Except the woman in front of Shiori, haloed in moonlight against the backdrop of the starry night sky, looks much more beautiful than the love interest. Shiori meant no offense, but she stood firmly by her statement and opinion.
When Nerissa beckons her over, Shiori obliges. She lets the demon charm her and entrance her. Lets Nerissa take her by the hand gently and draw her close.
Shiori's grip around Nerissa's hand tightens ever so slightly. She's always liked how they felt. Soft skin beneath her calloused fingertips.
"Reminiscing about the past isn't all that bad. Sure, we can't change anything, and sometimes it leads us down an endless spiral of 'what ifs' — but it can also give us good things. Like courage and faith to keep looking forward to the future. It reminds us that we can feel happiness. That it exists. You might think never looking back frees you from the past, but how will you ever know how far you've gotten without glancing back once in a while?"
Huh.
Shiori barks out a laugh. A sound stuck between genuine laughter and the need to cry. She might actually cry, the jury is still out, but Nerissa holding her hand was doing a phenomenal job keeping her together like the world's best superglue.
"I might be the worst Archiver ever."
"And why, pray tell, would you say that?" Nerissa asks, patient as a saint.
"I'm a dumbass."
Nerissa shakes her head, reaching up to cup Shiori's cheek with her other hand. "You're one of the most incredible and talented people I know, Shiorin. You just hit a rough patch and got stuck. It's okay. It happens."
She brushes her thumb against Shiori's cheek affectionately, then plants a chaste kiss there. "Just let others be there for you when that happens. Let me there for you. Free you like you've done for me, hm?"
"…okay…"
Shiori leans in to Nerissa's touch more firmly. "Okay."
Then, because she's already done a number of things out of character today — what's one more? — Shiori leans up to kiss Nerissa. She has to get on her toes because Nerissa is tall, and it isn't the biggest gap in the world, but it still hinders her.
(Why is she so damn tall? She wants those lips, damn it.)
Finally. Finally—
"Excuse me, would you two like to order dessert?"
Shiori doesn't answer. She's too busy trying to make the poor waitress turn into a bird and go away with her mind. An idea strikes her. If she lifts her pen she could—
"Yes please," Nerissa says politely, cutting Shiori's 'turning the waitress into a bird' plot short. "We'll just take two of whatever's most popular."
"Right away, ma'am."
"Thank you."
Once the waitress leaves and is out of earshot, Shiori huffs.
"I was just about to have my dessert…"
Nerissa laughs, and Shiori savors the sound.
"You still can Shiorin. I'm right here."
Fin.