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A few days, a few days.
Days turn to weeks, which fall to months. Months become lost and disperse into defined moments. Nights and stars dominate one’s headspace, along with the hushed words shared among lovers which can’t be reclaimed.
A few days, he said, a few days.
--
The situation wasn't meant to last. It was a simple offering from him (his friend?) and the offer remained what it was--a living accommodation. He wouldn’t last in Naruto’s apartment for more than a week. He didn’t know what to even say to his old team mate. He couldn't imagine the obligations involved with living there for free, the mind-numbing small talk and quick exchanges necessitated by invading one’s home. He couldn’t imagine having to look Naruto in the eye after all he had done. After all he had done. Yet, the fool still directed his whole, sunshine smiles at him, his sunsweet teeth and gums saved just for him, eyes closed in sincerity. Sasuke always looked away.
The arrangement was approved by Tsunade, who was concerned with Sasuke as soon as the war ended. She didn’t trust him as easily as Naruto did, accepting him back only for Naruto’s sake as was the case for a majority of the villagers. The boys were temporarily committed to the Leaf Village hospital on their arrival to recover from the war. Tsunade came to visit Sasuke only once. She confronted him in his hospital room about Naruto’s proposal, and Sasuke only nodded in assent. He didn’t need to recount to her Naruto entering his room two days prior, head bandaged and warmth brandished. He didn’t want to tell her that he woke up to the sight of his dark face looking down upon him. The words coming forth so easily, as if nothing ever happened between them. Sasuke, come stay with me after we get out of this place.
So he just pretended that those soft words were spoken to him first by the Fifth.
--
The day they were let out, all their friends came to see them. It wasn’t until Sasuke saw the way their eyes were directed toward Naruto and the way they grinned with familiarity that the realization seeped through like bitter honey. They came to see Naruto. He was met with glances and small smiles. Focus darting away in awkwardness. A light touch on the shoulder from Sakura and even Ino, cautious fingers seeking memories of affection. Ultimately he felt isolated. He stayed by Naruto’s side, stoic and burying the echoes of hurt down inside of him. He especially tried to avoid those whose relatives’ lives had been lost during the war. The casualties had run high by the end of the disaster. More than anyone he didn’t want to meet Shikamaru’s eyes, who had led the mission to retrieve him and whose father was dead--all for someone who he had never even had a conversation with. He never felt such shame before. It was new, bitter and burning. It spun in his stomach and beneath his cheeks like a poisonous swill. Feeling sick, newly out of the hospital.
Eventually they parted ways and only the original Team Seven remained. Sasuke on Naruto’s right, Sakura on his left; silent company. Sasuke was relieved to detach from the others. He hadn’t felt like that since he was a child, just after his family perished. He hadn’t felt that kind of isolation from the village in a long time, knowing all that he mattered to them was in whispers of pseudo-sympathy. He was back to square one and for some reason, it wasn’t refreshing. He felt more weight than ever before.
Sakura stopped and spoke. “Hey, guys, why don’t we go out for dinner to celebrate tomorrow night? I’m sure you two still need time to settle in and get used to your new situation right now, I mean,” she pointed in their general direction and smiled fondly, “it’s something to get used to again.”
Sasuke looked down at his feet feeling that bile burn underneath his skin again but Naruto gave the most sincere, foolhardy grin. “You’re right. Tomorrow’s a brand new day...are you coming with us to my place?”
Sakura placed her hands on her hips. “I think I should go back to the hospital, to be honest. Right now I’m one of the best medic nin they have, and they’re a little short on staff, as you can imagine--” Naruto nodded grimly, Sasuke’s fists clenched “--but I’ll catch up to you later maybe. For now I’ll leave you boys alone.”
She locked eyes with Sasuke and there was a moment of friendly recognition, acknowledgment of aged camaraderie, and then a nod. Naruto and Sasuke kept walking. They came to the thick metal door entering Naruto’s apartment building. He turned to the dark haired boy and gave him his personal sky-bright brand of smile. Sasuke felt a warmth like an inner light, and it was the most reassuring gesture anyone had made toward him all day. They entered the building and through the mottled gibbering of Naruto, the other boy was uneasy in the haze of his own mind. He wasn’t sure if this was alright. He didn’t know why but when Naruto unlocked the door and the smell of him like soil, salt and dandelions touched him like a pat on the shoulder, an old friend feeling for the familiarity of comfort, it felt more like being at home than anyone else could make him feel.
“It’s just like old times,” Sasuke said simply.
Naruto looked back at him, with an expression of faint surprise.
“Yeah, it is. Isn’t it?”
Naruto led him to his room and gestured toward the side opposite to his bed space. “I’m going to have to lay out bedding and stuff for you, but I think you’ll be totally comfortable. Even if it’s, you know, on the ground. It’ll be fine, I must’ve knocked out on the floor plenty of times, so I’m sure you can take it, right?”
In the past, Sasuke’s response would’ve been natural and automatic. He would have known exactly what to do and when. With Naruto, he knew when to mock back harder, when to roll his eyes, and when to deliberately ignore. But at this moment, he found himself like a cogless machine, sans galvanization and social cue. He was stumped. He just stared at Naruto until the other’s smile faltered and he moved to the closet to gather sheets. Sasuke felt bland frustration. Here he was, in the Leaf Village, after almost four years. Wasn’t he? Nothing felt the same. It was exactly what he wanted. To make a change, to radically overturn his life, find his brother, gain answers. All those years, he felt like he was part of something critical. He was leading something critical. But as he watched his old friend arrange the sheets uncharacteristically gingerly, patting out the wrinkles in the blanket, he felt himself at the edge of a yawning chasm inside him. There was no way to move forward.
His friend turned back to him.
“So, what do you think?”
“It...” Sasuke managed to sneer out of his reverie. “It looks alright, I guess. I guess arranging beds for a living is your niche.”
Naruto frowned, but his cheeks flushed healthy and bright with happiness, betraying him. He wore his emotions on his face like a uniform. His skin was sewn with colors of pleasure and his brows knit with his righteous fury. He was a hard molten rock and a breath of air all at once. He fumbled forward into Sasuke’s favor, and it was all that he could do to suppress his smile. The worlds between them were beginning to touch.
--
Naruto woke up to the view of Sasuke opening the bedroom door, illuminated by watery dawn-blue light. He left before he could call his name. Groggily Naruto stumbled out of bed to check the time. He knew that Sasuke had woken himself up early for a reason, because the guy always took every chance he could get to sleep in. He was cranky and bitter otherwise; more so than usual. Naruto himself didn’t wake up this early, who was only eager to wake up energetic and ready to take on the day. He headed to the bathroom, and only after he ritualistically splashed his face with water did his heart drop. Where was Sasuke even going, and would he come back? What if he realized he didn’t want Naruto as his friend anymore, if the Village became his enemy once again? He gripped the side of the basin, and felt his breath leave him. He had to have faith in Sasuke. He had to believe.
--
“Sasuke, you can’t go back to your family’s compound.”
“…Why not?”
“There’s nothing for you there.”
“Hmph. Except for everything I’ve ever known.”
“You know me now. You won’t be alone anymore.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I’m here with you. You have my word, Sasuke. And it might not be much to you, but it’s all I’ve got. Sasuke, come stay with me after we get out of this place.”
--
That afternoon, he did return. He was sweaty, sinew worn and tired but he was alive.
“Where the hell did you go?”
His response was so simple. So matter of fact. It bubbled out of his mouth like he had just taken a nap. Shuriken training, at the break of dawn. What else was there to do, he said bitterly, let myself rot? I have nothing else.
Naruto couldn’t help but show plain concern on his face, but Sasuke didn’t even glance at him as he walked past into the apartment and sat down at the table. He was starving, Naruto knew. Sasuke stared at the lukewarm cup ramen before him, and then lifted his bloodshot eyes toward Naruto. There was silent understanding. Naruto had prepared it for him in hopes that he would return soon. Sasuke devoured it, quickly yet with innate grace. His Uchiha manners were still with him. After all these years, Naruto thought, of living in dirt and mud, blinded and bloodied and alone, he was able to hold chopsticks at the perfect angle, fingers placed near the end of the length of wood.
“We’re still going out with the others tonight. I hope you didn’t forget, jerk.”
His head slowly turned. “I didn’t. Idiot.”
And just like that, the morning was forgotten.
--
Sasuke must’ve spoken ten words that night, most of them prodding at Naruto. He mainly observed the rest of his peers and the way they laughed with Naruto, the ease of their ability to forget all their troubles. Sasuke didn’t understand. After all their losses, the pain that they each shared these past few years, why did they all seem to radiate a small glow of warmth? They each smiled with hope and affection for each other. They were united, even when it seemed like they were yelling at each other. His face must’ve been redder than ever because his cheeks had never burned like that before. His fingers were perpetually shaking and he jumped the tiniest bit whenever the group laughed. He kept to himself and his meal. He knew how he was supposed to feel from sheer memory. He remembered the smiles he shared however subtle when Naruto teased Sakura and she pushed him around for it, when Ino sighed at Chouji’s logic and when Kiba let slip something Hinata had said and she would blush furiously. But now, it was as if there was a steel wall barring him from feeling those ancient emotions. He wanted so badly to burrow them out from packed earth, to hold them in his hands and to be a part of something. It was what he thought he would return to. He was right, what he said to Naruto all that time ago back at the Valley of the End. He lives in the past. He has nothing waiting for him in the future.
On the walk home, with nothing but nighttime air clinging to them and the street lamps lighting their path, he began to relax. He no longer felt the burning heat and the hollow chill of the dark started to bite at him. “So, did you have fun?” Naruto said, with an empty, jaunty tone. They both knew how the night went for him.
“It was okay.”
--
That night, Naruto unmistakably heard Sasuke groaning in his sleep. The nights were getting deeper and more endless.
Come dawnbreak Sasuke would be gone.
--
He returned earlier than usual. Filthy and with a twisted face like gnarled wood. “I have nothing,” he stated simply.
Naruto turned to him. “Sasuke, what are you saying?”
“There’s no point in me being,” he shrugged, vaguely gesturing about him, “here. What am I doing.”
“You’re starting to get better. You need to give yourself time, need to give them time…Sasuke, don’t worry about it too much. You’re overdoing it.”
He stared back with cold black eyes.
“Let’s go to Ichiraku’s. I haven’t paid the old man a visit since we came back, you know?” Naruto said and laughed his most convincing laugh.
…
A sigh.
“Now I remember why I hesitated about coming to stay with you. Naruto, why don’t you ever eat real food?”
--
The old man was beyond glad to see Naruto again. The two of them sat down at the end of the bar, the first couple seats. He affectionately interrogated Naruto about all of the feats he heard accomplished by him since they last met, before modestly describing what had been happening at Ichiraku’s. He gave Sasuke a warm smile as well, asking him what he’d like. It was all on the house for his “favorite customer and his friend.” Naruto turned to Sasuke and gave him a meaningful look, like a mixture of excitement and pride. That’s right, they were friends. Sasuke felt oddly at ease as he broke apart his chopsticks, hands still as stone. Gratitude without the shame.
They ate together, talking between gulps of hot ramen, more delicious than Sasuke had remembered it being. The old man told them how his assistant decided to move on after the war, realizing they wanted to do more important things now. Meaningful things. The old man scoffed. Clearly, he said, they didn’t deserve to work with him in the first place if they thought so lowly of their job.
Naruto swallowed the noodles in his mouth. “So, that means you need a new guy right?”
The old man shrugged and chortled. “I guess so. I’ll need one especially when it gets busy again.”
Naruto turned to Sasuke and grinned, his eyes lighting up like he experienced an epiphany.
And Sasuke’s eyes widened too.
“Absolutely not.”
“What? Why? You didn’t even hear me o—”
“Please stop talking and eat your food.”
“Fight me. You should try it before you knock it, dummy. What you were saying this morning…maybe, it would at least keep you busy, you know?”
“I don’t need to be kept busy, like a foolish child. I need…” he trailed off.
The old man’s head was speeding back and forth between them during their exchange. “I’m sorry, did I miss something? What were you boys talking about?”
Naruto gave Sasuke a pout, and then turned towards the owner. “Why don’t you take in my friend here? He’s in need of a job.”
Sasuke choked on his food and shot Naruto a fiery glare. “What the f—”
“It’s a deal. Any friend of Naruto’s is welcome here, customer or worker.” He gave Sasuke another smile, and at this he lost his fire. He couldn’t refuse. This was the first time he hadn’t felt isolated because of his family name, and because of all his crimes since coming back. In a small way, he acknowledged that it had to be a clever idea of Naruto’s, maybe, in the long run. He supposed. They continued their meal, Naruto looking over at Sasuke every now and then with a smile, Sasuke returning it just once.
--
The night terrors were getting worse, and they started coming full force. Naruto jumped up as soon as he heard Sasuke’s first scream. He dropped to his knees before him and wrapped his arms around him until the cries blurred into small chokes and then faded into the quiet of the night. He focused only on Sasuke’s breaths until they slowed into sleepy rattles. Naruto quietly whispered little comforts into Sasuke’s ear until Sasuke stopped shaking.
In the morning, Sasuke woke up, more exhausted than ever. Naruto wasn’t in bed. It was usual now for Sasuke to wake up later than him. He entered the kitchen to see Naruto sipping instant coffee at the table. The bags under his eyes were more prominent than usual. Sasuke frowned inquisitively, but dropped all expression when Naruto looked up at him and bid him good morning.
Sasuke woke up later, but was always on time for his shift, at least.
--
He started to appreciate the ritual of preparing ramen for customers. His actions were followed closely, of course, by his boss. But he wasn’t corrected often and he got the hang of it quickly. It was like reaffirming that he still had skill. In a way, Naruto was right. This was something to do and it carried some meaning. To go day in and day out knowing he was doing something that he could accomplish. The old man didn’t even know who Sasuke really was until he began working there, which astounded Sasuke. He thought his face was hatefully branded into the hearts of every member of the Village at this point. “I don’t like to get into shinobi politics,” he shrugged. “As long as you work hard, you’re fine with me. Naruto never cares that much about someone who isn’t worth trusting, Sasuke. Believe me, that boy is wise, for a moron. He’s the hope of this village, I know it. You’ll see,” he gave a knowing nod. “That boy’s going places.”
Sasuke was left dumbfounded.
The job became a way to leave a positive impression on the other villagers. They all identified him, and to some, he wasn’t the criminal of Konoha anymore, he was the Ichiraku boy. He wasn’t impressive, and huge and dramatic as he’d been used to. He was becoming mellowed out. He was able to serve his old peers professionally and with customer satisfaction. It was something. Something to reach out and connect with.
He still wasn’t sure how to feel.
--
After the first couple of months, Sasuke was sleeping in Naruto’s bed. The latter had confronted him about the night terrors. He couldn’t just ignore them. Only Naruto could understand why they were happening to him, only Naruto wouldn’t judge. It’s alright, he said. But I’m worried, and maybe you need someone to be with you while you sleep now.
Sasuke, surprisingly, didn’t put up much of a fight. At first he seemed confused while Naruto was describing the anxious nightmares, but then his eyes lit up with understanding. He just stopped Naruto’s fumbling, said “that’s fine with me,” and walked out.
That night, Sasuke took longer to fall asleep. Naruto noticed, and Sasuke noticed that he had noticed, so the silence was broken, and words exchanged between them like midnight clouds swirling in the air until they both lulled to rest. Sasuke only struggled a bit in his sleep. Naruto was close.
--
During the last hour of Sasuke’s shift, Naruto came by to chat and have a bowl of the Saturday special, prepared by his friend himself. Sasuke rolled his eyes but smiled and secretly tried his best. At this point, the old man didn’t even watch his actions, but chatted with Naruto across the bar. The dark haired boy returned with the bowl and handed it to Naruto gently, coughed and said “here you are.”
Naruto usually ate fast, but took his time now, slurping the noodles as if appreciating the taste rather than filling his gullet. They talked about each of their respective days, and the old man let Sasuke out early. He hung up his smock, then nodded at Naruto. On the walk home, they were quiet at first.
“So, how do you feel about the village lately?” Naruto said nervously, eyeing Sasuke through his peripheral vision.
“I’m…” Sasuke froze. His bright expression faded, finding that his answer wasn’t much changed. When Sakura and Ino came in, he felt their eyes burning into his back; when Chouji came and ordered an extra bowl, he could tell that he enjoyed the ramen but only unwillingly. He felt the isolation, stuffed down inside of his bones, lying on his ribs heavy and oppressively. He was still as lonely as ever, and was going day to day trying not to admit to himself that he was someone who was living only to serve ramen. His throat restricted.
The pause that Sasuke took was palpable and didn’t go unnoticed by his best friend. Naruto stopped walking, and Sasuke took a few steps before he came to a halt as well.
Naruto didn’t say a word, then approached him and said, “Look at me.”
He did.
Naruto smiled, took out two headbands from his pouch, and while fixing one on the other’s forehead, said, “You belong here. You were born here, and I was born here and you deserve to be here just as much as anyone. We all need you.” Then he took a step back and fastened his own headband to his forehead. Sasuke couldn’t help but smirk when he realized that Naruto had kept his headband for so long, but then his expression dropped when he saw the slash across the symbol on the other’s forehead.
“T-Take that off,” he stammered, his hand scrambling to feel for the symbol on his own headband. The metal plate was perfectly taken care of, smooth save for the grooves of the Leaf crest. “Why? I don’t deserve this—”
“You won’t wear this headband ever again, because you’re reborn now. You’ve got a clean slate and you’ve worked for it. I told you,” Naruto said more confidently than ever, “that I will shoulder your burden; I meant that.”
--
Naruto woke up in the middle of the night to an empty bed, perfectly made where his friend was supposed to be.
He jumped out and stumbled, immediately heading for the door.
He shouted his name and the syllables echoed and splashed onto the walls, never returning an answering call.
Sasuke left, in the night. Just as before.
He started to hyperventilate and his hands were shaking. “He wouldn’t do this, not again, not again, not after all of that,” he walked into the groceries he forgot to unpack and boxes and cans spilled upon the floor. He can’t have gone far, not far, not far at all. He threw on his jumpsuit jacket and quickly fastened the headband on the kitchen table, the one he had given to Sasuke, and was about to throw upon the door when it unlocked. He felt sweat stinging on his neck when Sasuke appeared. He was covered in scratches, his legs bruised, bloodstains painting his face.
“Where the fuck were you? Do you—Do you even know,” Naruto clutched his chest. Sasuke didn’t respond but was breathing just as heavily.
Naruto decided to forego the chastising and said, “What happened to you, Sasuke?”
“I’m surprised my kirin woke you up, Naruto, I thought you’d sleep right through that just like a fucking log.”
Naruto was shocked. “That was you? The thunder...Were you on the damn roof? What the hell were you doing there?”
Sasuke spat, “I was training. I’m the strongest shinobi of this village, matched only by you, you know. Look at us. We’re like caged animals. We’re supposed to be fighting, and protecting and hurting and we’re here, serving and consuming and pretending like it’s okay to smile when your family is—” he choked, faltering, approaching Naruto, “Look at me. I’m fucking pathetic. I spent so long working for nothing but my own brother’s death, my brother who turned out to be the one who was looking out for me this whole time, and I—I’m still confused, It was always me or him, us or the village, and—fuck this, I can’t pretend like I belong here, or I deserve this. You think I deserve a clean slate—”
“—And you do,” Naruto shouted anxiously.
“No! I don’t! You can see it in the way everyone looks at me. In the way I can’t talk to them, I don’t know how to, and it’s all my fault.” Even in the dark, graced by the moonlight Naruto could see the tears streaming down Sasuke’s face. “I have nothing left. I’ve never felt so useless my whole life. I’ve never felt so helpless at everything. At least before I was always working toward something, no matter how disgusting and terrible. I was praised for being a genius, and I got by on being the best, but now the only time I can remind myself of that is when I’m in the fucking forest scraping around alone. I’m all alone and I’m—I’m scared.”
Naruto gripped the sides of Sasuke’s wet face, looked him right in the eyes, blue locked on blood black, and kissed him. He held him there and Sasuke grabbed Naruto’s arms, and nervously kissed him back. Naruto’s hands were warm. Even when he was scared, Sasuke thought, Naruto’s hands were still so comfortingly warm. His grip on the other boy loosened as the kiss came to an end and they parted a bit. Naruto’s face hovered before Sasuke’s, their foreheads touching, reminding Sasuke of the clean, unmarred Leaf Village symbol on his headband.
“You think you’re alone, but I’m here. I’m here when you need to scream and when you need to let it all out. You can throw it all on me. All the things you’re experiencing, Sasuke, is proof you’re getting better. You’re so brave right now, even I’m impressed. It’s like coming home after being in the warzone for so long. It’s like being told to sit still after you’ve been beaten down. You’re going to react badly, but you’ve got to hit rock bottom before you can feel better. You’ve got to let yourself fall, Sasuke. You’ve got to let yourself feel like fucking shit. But until you feel better, I’m going to be right by your side. And everyone will remember just how great you are, you stupid genius.”
Sasuke’s face was cold where Naruto’s hands left and drifted towards his own hands, holding them. “You’re my most important person, no matter how bad you get.”
Sasuke felt breathless and his anxiety from before eased, and a small comfort grew in his stomach. Then he began to retch. Naruto rushed him to the bathroom, and rubbed his back while he vomited.
“I...I’ll clean up and we can go to sleep.”
“That sounds good to me.”
--
Their limbs were interlaced, and all guard was down. Sasuke fell asleep in the crook of Naruto’s neck, their consciousness fading into the night as they recounted stories that happened to them while they’d been apart for years. They filled in the blanks missing until they were reunited. In the morning, Sasuke was late for work.