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It’s been only two days since Eddie left, and Buck feels as if his life lost a meaning. He already talked about it with his therapist, she told him to write letters for him. Not to send them, just write. Maybe show it to him when he comes back. If he comes back.
Buck reached with his hand for the nightstand, on which laid his notebook with a pen. He put it on his knees and opened it, but the pen was left hanging just a few inches from the paper. He had to think what he wants to write to him. It took a minute when he started writing.
Dear Eddie.
First, I don’t even know if you will read this. Second, It’s been two days since you left for El Paso. I already miss you. And I’m not writing this to make you come back. I totally understand why you left and I’m not angry at you. But I am upset that you left. And I don’t want to make everything about myself but it’s hard. But I hope you’re doing well and things with Chris will get better as soon as possible. I miss you.
Always yours,
Buck.
*
A week later things didn’t get better. He didn’t have any strength for anything. Everything he always enjoyed felt… boring. All he did was go to work, safe people, come home and lay in bed.
Today he woke up earlier. He also went earlier to work, so he could go to the gym area at the station to get all of his anger out. So he did.
After a while others started coming. They greeted Buck, but he didn’t answer. He was lost in his mind.
After thirty minutes of waiting, the alarm rang. Everyone got ready and they went to safe another lives.
They got called into a fire in a house, the second floor was burning. A man shouted „My son is in there!” And he pointed to the window at the top of the building.
Buck just went there straight. He didn’t even think about anything. He just ran in there, walked upstairs and started looking for the kid. There was fire everywhere. He heard shouting from the room at the end of the corridor, he went straight for it. He walked in and saw a young boy curled up under the window.
„Hey Buddie… I’m here alright? Let’s get you out” Buck said, picking up the kid. He walked out of the room going straight for the stairs and the exit. He walked out and the man came running at him to take his kid. Buck took off the mask and started breathing in and out hardly. Someone shouted. Everyone was shouting. Buck didn’t understand what they were saying. Someone grabbed him by his arm.
„Buck! Can you hear me?” Hen asked. She was the one that grabbed him.
„I’m… I’m fine” He snapped finally.
„Hen! Take care of Buck, we will take care of the fire!” Chim Shouted.
„Yes Cap!” Hen shouted back. „Hey Buckaroo come on, sit down and breathe with me okay? In and out”
Buck breathed with her. He feels tears falling down his cheeks. Hen sat next to him, wrapping her arm around his shoulder offering him comfort.
After others put the fire down and checked the injuries of others, they went back to the station. All the way there buck was silent, looking out the window.
At the station, Chim walked up to him.
„Hey man, i think you should maybe go home. Get some rest y’know?” Chim said, patting him on his shoulder.
„Yeah… yeah maybe I should” Buck was exhausted, even when he did nothing.
So he did went home. He pulled out his notebook and started writing.
Dear Eddie.
It’s been a week and two days since you left to El Paso. It’s been hard. Very hard. Without you and without Chris. I miss you both.
Today I saved a kid from a fire. I don’t know what I was thinking, I just ran into the building and went straight for him. Maybe I didn’t want his parents to feel like me when I lost you.
I’ve been barely hanging on. I barely sleep, barely eat. I don’t know what is happening to me.
Mrs Copeland told me to go see a psychiatrist. Am I crazy? I don’t know. I have a visit planned in five days.
I guess that’s it.
Truly yours,
Buck.
*
Four days later Buck went to the psychiatrist. He told her everything. Almost everything. He told about Eddie, about how he felt.
„Okay Evan. You are struggling with depression. I’m gonna write you a script for Lexarpo okay? But for the first two to three weeks you may feel worse, but after that time the meds start to work. You may feel nausea, fatigue and drowsiness or totally different, insomnia. You also may feel increase of you anxiety. If you want, I can write you a psychiatric exemption, so you won’t go to work and stay at home okay?” The psych said.
„Okay” that was all that Buck could get out of himself.
So she did. She gave him the perscription and the exemption.
The next day Buck had a day off, but he came to work to tell Chim. He knocked on his office.
„Come in!” Chim said.
Buck came in.
„Hey Chim” Buck said.
Chimney looked up at him with confusion.
„You have a day off today, what brings you here?” He asked.
„Well I’ve been at… at the doctors and I wanted to give you this and tell you that I will be off work for quite a while” Buck said quietly while handing Chim the paper. He read it. „Severe depression”
„Oh Buckaroo…” he stood up and closed the gap between them with a hug. „It’s okay. Go home, get some rest and whenever you need to talk to someone or just… just need company call us okay? We are here for you.”
„Thank you Chim…” Buck hugged him back. „I’m gonna head home, I’m tired”
„Alright. Just be safe okay?”
„Okay.”
So he did. He went home safely and laid on his bed. He pulled the notebook from under the pillow and started writing.
My dearest Eddie.
Things got worse. I went to see the psychiatrist. I have depression and she wrote me a script for lexarpo. I don’t know and I don’t think it will help me. I think the only thing… or person that could help me is you and I mean it. Of course this isnt caused only because of that you left for El Paso, there are other things and I think I need you. But I’m afraid to tell you. I don’t want you to think that all of this is your fault, because it isn’t. I fully understand why you left. And that’s alright.
Lately I’ve started thinking more about my past. When I was younger I’ve been struggling with depression, but I didn’t take any meds. When I tried to kill myself and was put after in a psych ward, they told me I have it. But my parents didn’t agree to give me any medication, they thought I didn’t need it. Funny, right?
I don’t know what to do Eddie. I’m lost.
I miss you.
Forever yours,
Buck.
*
For the next few days he just either laid in his bed, or he was in the bathroom puking. He didn’t cry. He wanted to, but he couldn’t. As if he’s already cried all his tears out.
This night he couldn’t take this anymore. All the pain in his head was unbearable. So he did it again. He desperately went to the bathroom looking for a blade. When he found it he just looked at it. After a minute he did it. He cut through his skin on his wrist, looking at the blood dropping down his arms. He sat on the bathroom floor. When he finished he looked at his left hand, covered in cuts and blood. He sat there for some hours and just looked at the wall, not knowing what’s next.
He finally cleaned his hand from blood with water and just left it.
He picked up his notebook and started writing.
I fucked up Eddie. I’m sorry. I did it again. After fourteen fucking years of being clean I cut myself again. I hate myself. I’m sorry.
He was only able to write this much.
He left the notebook on his couch and went to his bed.
*
The next day buck woke up very late, since he fell asleep around 4 am. He decided not to stay home and go out. He went for a walk. A long walk. He walked around the city, not knowing what to do with himself.
*
It’s been a few weeks since Eddie left for El Paso. He and Chris made up. One night Chris asked him something in private.
„Dad! Can we go back to Los Angeles? I miss Bucky!” He said to his dad.
Eddie kneeled down to his son.
„Actually I was waiting for you to ask. I also miss Bucky very much. Of course we can come back.” Eddie answered his sons question. „We can book a flight for tomorrow”
So they did.
*
They just got into Bucks house, coming into his house quietly opening the door with the spare keys buck gave him. They both looked for him everywhere but he was nowhere to be found.
„Weird. Maybe he has a shift?” Chris said.
„No, he shouldn’t have. I talked to Chim and he told me he doesn’t have a shift today. I guess we will just wait for him.” Eddie said.
„I think I will go take a nap, I’m tired after the journey.”
„Okay Buddie, you can go to sleep in bucks bed, I’m sure he won’t mind”
Chris went to sleep and Eddie sat in his living room in the couch. He noticed the notebook and took it.
„He won’t mind right?” He muttered.
He opened it and when he saw the first letter starting with „dear Eddie” he immediately started reading it. He read through it all, his heart breaking from this.
When he read the last thing he wrote, Eddie froze. Buck cut himself? Shit. That’s when he heard it.
„What…” Eddie looked up and saw Buck looking at him.
Eddie put the notebook away, stood up and hugged him.
„I’m so sorry Buck…” Eddie whispered.
Buck hugged him back. He shattered. Burst into pieces, he felt his knees were getting weak. Eddie also felt that, he couldn’t hold him up so they sat on the floor. But Eddie definitely did hold him close to himself. He hold onto him, put his hand in Bucks hair.
„Shhh… it’s okay I’m here Buck…” Eddie whispered.
„I’m sorry… I’m so sorry Eddie I fucked up…” Buck said with a shaky voice.
„No no no… it’s not your fault okay? You didn’t fuck anything up it’s just your feelings okay? It’s okay to feel bad…”
After a while Buck calmed down. They stood up and sat on the couch.
„Buck… can I see your arm? Please” Eddie asked.
„Yeah… I guess”
Buck gave him his left arm and pulled his sleeve up. Eddie was shocked.
„I’m gonna take care of it okay?”
Eddie quickly went to get the first aid kit and came back. He disinfected his wounds and bandaged his arm. Eddie gently grabbed Bucks hands with his own and held them tightly.
They stared into each other’s eyes and smiled.
„I’m here now okay? We’re gonna get through this together” Eddie said.
„Okay… thank you Eddie.”
*
Weeks have passsed, but Buck didn’t feel better. He went to the psychiatrist again, she changed his meds to stronger ones. Now he’s laying on his bed, drifting away in his thoughts.
„Hi” he heard. He looked at the door and saw Eddie standing there.
„Hey” he answered.
Eddie laid down next to him.
„How are you feeling?” Eddie asked.
„Not bad. But not good either. I just… I don’t want to feel like this. Why isn’t the therapy working? And why aren’t the meds helping? I just want to be normal” Buck said, while his eyes started to tear up.
„You are normal Buck. The fact that you’re not okay doesn’t make you not normal. It’s okay to be not okay, Buck.”
Buck looked at him and didn’t look away. He smiled.
„Thanks… I needed that”
„I know.”
*
After the meds change, everything started to get better. He started to gain strength. Of course he had worse days, everyone does. But most importantly, he’s getting better.
This day Chris went to a sleepover with his friend, so Buck and Eddie decided to go to the park for a walk, and maybe a Picnic?
They are walking around the park, but decided to put their blanket down and just sit.
„How are you Buck? Like, you know” Eddie asked, simply worried about his best friend.
„I’m much better. I want to thank you Eddie. I know I do that a lot but I need you to know that I’m grateful”
„I know Buck. But I can sense something is bothering you. You’re my best friend. No, you’re my soulmate.”
„It’s just… I’ve been feeling something for… years probably. And I don’t know how to tell you.”
Eddie’s words hung between them.
“Buck… if you don’t want to tell me, then show me.”
For a moment, Buck just stared at him.
The park suddenly seemed impossibly quiet. The distant sound of children laughing, the rustle of leaves overhead, the soft breeze moving through the trees—it all blurred into the background.
“You mean…” Buck swallowed. “Show you how I feel?”
Eddie nodded, his eyes never leaving Buck’s.
“Yeah.”
Buck’s heart was pounding so hard he was sure Eddie could hear it.
He looked down at their hands, resting only a few inches apart on the blanket. Then he looked back at Eddie.
“I’ve wanted to do this for so long,” Buck whispered.
Eddie’s expression softened.
“Then do it.”
Buck hesitated for just another second.
Then he leaned closer.
Eddie didn’t move away.
Their faces were only inches apart now, and Buck could feel Eddie’s breath against his skin. He paused, giving him one last chance to change his mind.
Eddie closed the distance.
Their lips met in a soft, tentative kiss.
For Buck, everything stopped.
All the years of confusion, all the moments he’d convinced himself that what he felt was just friendship, all the times he’d looked at Eddie and wondered what it would be like to cross that invisible line—it all disappeared.
There was only Eddie.
Buck pulled back slightly, his eyes opening.
Eddie was smiling.
“Was that your way of showing me?” he whispered.
Buck let out a nervous laugh.
“Maybe.”
“Buck.”
“Okay,” Buck admitted, smiling. “I might need to show you again.”
Eddie laughed quietly, and this time it was him who leaned forward.
The second kiss was different.
There was no hesitation.
Buck reached for Eddie’s hand, their fingers intertwining on the blanket as they kissed again, slower and warmer than before.
When they finally pulled apart, they stayed close, their foreheads resting together.
“So…” Eddie murmured.
“So?”
“You’ve been feeling this for years?”
Buck nodded.
“Yeah.”
Eddie smiled.
“Good.”
Buck blinked. “Good?”
“Because I’ve been waiting for you to figure it out.”
Buck stared at him.
“You—wait, what?”
Eddie laughed, squeezing his hand.
“Did you really think you were the only idiot in love with their best friend?”
„Well yeah, I kind of did. I guess we both are idiots”
„But we’re each others idiots”
Then they kissed again.