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On the second day of vacation, Doyoung doesn’t wake up with Jaehyun’s lips around his morning wood.
That’s disappointing, there’s no point in denying it, but they have more than two weeks to put Jaehyun’s oral skills to good use, so Doyoung doesn’t resent him that much. When he rolls over on the big bed, he finds out that Jaehyun indeed has his lips occupied, but for a reason that, if not sexy, is rather predictable coming from him.
“Did you order cake at 7 a.m.?” Doyoung groans, voice hoarse from the sleep.
His boyfriend can’t hide his surprise, caught red-handed, eyes going round for a second. But when he stares back at Doyoung, he smiles so wide that he’s all teeth and chocolate stained dimples. He would look like a messy kid except because he’s still half-naked, since he only bothered to wear his underwear to get the order, and Doyoung’s thoughts stray dangerously.
“Morning, baby,” Jaehyun sings-songs. The way he passes his tongue over his lips, trying to clean the chocolate, reminds Doyoung of a very naughty feline. He admits that would be adorable except for the fact that he’s familiar with the wonderful aptitudes of that tongue, but Jaehyun ignores his transparent expression and extends his arm, offering him a bite of the cake. “Here.”
Doyoung accepts it, albeit he’s not enthusiastic about sweets, but it’s worth it to see Jaehyun’s satisfied face. For Jaehyun, Doyoung has tasted even the most disgusting dishes, indulging his boyfriend’s penchant for innovative ideas, be it food or strange activities and ideas. Much to his luck, Jaehyun is that adventurous in bed too, so he doesn’t have that much to complain about.
“I will have to put up with your whining about the weight gain once we’re back,” Doyoung mumbles, soft enough so that Jaehyun doesn’t swat him for trying to restrict his eating habits. “So control yourself.”
Although he’s focused on the cake again and he’s clearly ignoring his words, Jaehyun nods to appease him. Doyoung sighs and throws the covers off, since if he doesn’t get up first, Jaehyun will never do it. As he strides to the bathroom, he hears an incomprehensible protest behind him, and when Jaehyun finally manages to swallow the cake, he repeats, “Don’t jack off in the shower.” And Doyoung laughs, of course, because the next sounds are the plate being dropped on the bedside table, spoon clattering, and Jaehyun’s bare feet running across the room, “Wait for me!”
The trip was Jaehyun’s idea, but that isn’t so extraordinary. He has always been the romantic one, the one who prepared special plans for each anniversary, or the one who showed up at home with a gift just because he thought Doyoung would like it. It’s not that Doyoung isn’t sentimental or passionate about the relationship, but taking the step from friends to lovers wasn’t easy. It brought tons of doubts, of wondering if Jaehyun was using him as a rebound, because it seemed impossible that after years of friendship, Jaehyun suddenly fell in love with him. That is their dynamic, however, because Jaehyun has never doubted Doyoung’s feelings. It makes sense, of course, when he spent their teenage days like a fool in love, kissing the ground Jaehyun walked on.
Thus, when Jaehyun proposed a trip for Christmas, Doyoung accepted the idea, letting himself be pampered. Jaehyun chose an isolated resort that allowed them intimacy, except for the other guests -all couples-, so that they could spend the whole holiday there. Both of them were too busy lately, leaving home early and arriving when the sun was already down, and tiredness occupied the space they needed in a relationship. Most nights they only got to give each other handjobs or blowjobs, and the other times they were so exhausted that they merely cuddled and told each other about their day in mumbles.
That’s why it seems reasonable they spend the first day inside the hotel room. And the second. But then, during Christmas’s eve, Doyoung stands firm and forces Jaehyun to get out, even though the younger makes some tempting offers.
“You’re no fun,” Jaehyun protests for the thousandth time as they walk through a crowded street. Doyoung has dragged him to do some Christmas shopping, which Jaehyun detests, but they don’t even have enough presents for each other yet and that’s inexcusable.
“No, you are no fun,” Doyoung retorts, though he still holds Jaehyun’s hand so hard that it might seem he’s going to escape anytime soon. “Imagine when we come back and people ask you how the vacation went. The only thing you would be able to talk about is my dick. Spare your siblings the terror, yeah?”
Jaehyun looks beyond amused, yet Doyoung isn’t sure if it’s because he would enjoy his siblings’ suffering or because he enjoys Doyoung’s bickering. “Your dick is all I talk about anyway,” he announces, proud. “And buying gifts when the other person is right next to you is the opposite of romantic.”
Doyoung scrunches his nose, “You know what isn’t romantic? Not having a gift for your boyfriend on Christmas”
“I have your gift!” Jaehyun protests immediately, in a tone that Doyoung would never admit as cute, though it is. “But I’m not going to give it to you on Christmas.”
That, Doyoung suspects, might be a lie. It’s a tradition for Doyoung to look for his present every year, and given his skills to read Jaehyun’s mind and Jaehyun’s lack of skills to come up with good hiding places, he always finds it. This year, however, the present was impossible to locate, which is obviously a consequence of Jaehyun not having bought it.
“Then it doesn’t count,” Doyoung concludes, knowing that Jaehyun is going to whine at him. But much to his surprise, his boyfriend merely smiles at him, as though Doyoung is a child who can’t even imagine what great presents are waiting for him.
“Merry Christmas, fool.”
Doyoung uses the same exact words he spoke four years ago, except this time he’s sitting on Jaehyun’s stomach, and he’s his boyfriend. Back then on this day, Jaehyun had recently broken up with his boyfriend, had spent the whole Christmas’s eve crying on Doyoung’s lap and had woken up with red eyes and lips. Doyoung still doesn’t believe Jaehyun was such an idiot to resort to him for consolation, because during the time Jaehyun had been dating Taeyong, Doyoung was miserable. Now, every time Doyoung mentions it, Jaehyun defends himself by reminding him that Doyoung regularly slept with Ten, even though he still ignores that it was just sex. Maybe a bit of Ten’s pity towards him, too.
And Jaehyun’s answer, upon rubbing his eyes and groaning at Doyoung’s wide smile, is very different this time, “I love you, but it’s too early to live.”
“Your lazy morning ass is starting to annoy me,” Doyoung jokes, pressing a chaste kiss on Jaehyun’s lips. “Get up and open your present.”
It’s considerably more difficult than saying a few words to convince Jaehyun to leave the bed, especially because he keeps holding Doyoung back, whimpering and nuzzling his neck. It’s a good strategy, but Doyoung is a Christmas enthusiast and therefore he’s looking forward to Jaehyun’s expression once he sees what’s inside the box.
In the end, Doyoung picks up the little box and sets it on the bed, close enough for Jaehyun to extend his arms and grasp it. However, Jaehyun frowns at it for a second, and then stares at his boyfriend’s excited face with something akin to remorse. “I spent all the money on our anniversary gift. And on the trip. I really don’t have anything for you today,” he confesses in a mumble.
As the younger is the romantic one, Doyoung suspects this present may upset Jaehyun because he doesn’t have anything to give him in return. It’s true he paid for the trip, though, and if the anniversary gift is so expensive that Jaehyun didn’t have any money left to buy even a small gift, Doyoung can’t predict what it will be.
“I don’t care, okay?” Doyoung assures, grabbing his arm and resting his head on Jaehyun’s shoulder. “Somehow, this is for me too.”
Unconvinced, Jaehyun bites his lip, and only unwraps the present once Doyoung pinches his side impatiently. It’s a light box, which he mentions right before pulling the lid. Inside, there are several photos in a pile, and on the first one the protagonist is a little puppy, one that looks like a Labrador breed. Doyoung watches the confusion flash across Jaehyun’s expression, and then his boyfriend moves onto the next photo. It’s then, when he spots the picture in which Doyoung is cradling the puppy in his arms, that he drops the box with a gasp.
Not able to contain himself, Doyoung laughs, “Sorry, I bought her before you told me about the trip. She’s at Ten’s home now.”
Instead of replying, Jaehyun simply observes him with his mouth open, speechless. His gaze shifts from the box to his boyfriend, from his boyfriend to the box, but he emits no sound. “Are you that shocked?” Doyoung teases him, satisfied.
“I’m going to cry. You bought a puppy. A puppy,” Jaehyun remarks, and has to swallow to hide the knot in his throat. Not like Doyoung hasn’t seen him cry before, since he tends to cry because of sad movies, books and, for some reason, delicious food. He breathes out through his mouth, trying to calm himself down, and announces, “I’m cancelling the trip, we’re going back home.”
Jaehyun had always wanted to have a dog. Growing up with his older sister and brother, both allergic to dogs, he never had the chance to have one, while Doyoung spent half of his life with the dog his parents adopted even before he was born. The way Jaehyun would stop by any dog on the street to pet them and coo a bit, not minding some of their judgmental owners, convinced Doyoung to buy one for themselves. When they moved in together at the beginning of the year, Doyoung had already planned everything, but the long wait is worth it now.
Doyoung is aware that if he let him, Jaehyun would actually run back home to see the puppy. But when he punches Jaehyun in the arm, pouting, his boyfriend lunges for him. “You’re the best, baby,” he yells, squashing Doyoung against the bed. He peppers his face with kisses, and Doyoung grunts and tries to push him off to no avail.
It isn’t until Jaehyun relaxes that he frees him, just to roll over the bed and admire the photos of the puppy again. Despite his complaints, Doyoung is pretty contented with the reaction, so he takes a moment to taunt Jaehyun, “How are you going to top my gift now?”
Jaehyun hums, way too confident. “If this is a competition about who bought the best gift, I’ve already won.”
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Four years ago, Doyoung went to Ten to relieve stress the day after Christmas. Having seen Jaehyun heart-broken didn’t help him with his infatuation, which at that point, couldn’t be considered only infatuation anymore. He had known since long ago, and so did Ten, but it was hard to come to terms with the fact that he was in love with his best friend and that those feelings weren’t going to disappear. Doyoung felt horrible, because Jaehyun trusted him, because he was Jaehyun’s rock, yet he was incapable of accepting him as a friend, always needing more, always empty because Jaehyun didn’t love him back. Doyoung was sure he was terribly egoistic, because the thoughts about putting some space between them were unavoidable, and somehow it was as though he was planning to abandon Jaehyun.
That day, he realized that Jaehyun crying because of Taeyong was way worse than Jaehyun dating Taeyong. It was double pain: pain because Jaehyun loved someone else, and pain because Jaehyun was suffering.
However, Ten had the ability to make him forget the agony for a few hours, and was an excellent friend, so Doyoung fell in the bed with him every time a thought tormented him. Fucking Ten until he forgot Jaehyun’s name, until he wasn’t thinking about him anymore, was the fastest path. Even if it was just sex, Doyoung took shelter in the fact that he could make someone feel good, that someone found him desirable and loved him, although not in a romantic way. Ten always had the sweetest words for his mind, and the most gifted hands for his body.
“If they broke up,” Ten asked once they showered and dressed up again, “why don’t you tell Jaehyun how you feel about him?”
Doyoung was quick to respond, “I’m his only support. And this could bring us apart.”
Even though it could destroy him, Jaehyun was the first person in his mind. Jaehyun was more important than himself.
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Doyoung would never admit it out loud, but he plays a lot of sexual tricks on Jaehyun to try to get the information out of him. It’s the first time he doesn’t guess what his present is, and the frustration invades him in a very ridiculous way. Whining about it doesn’t get Jaehyun to pity him, so he has to opt for better solutions. He might or might not give Jaehyun a blowjob at the restroom of a fancy restaurant, and the next day he might or might not finger him while he talks to Yuta on the phone. Unsurprisingly, Jaehyun develops a liking for having Doyoung eating right out of his hand, and decides to take advantage of Doyoung’s stubbornness every time it’s possible.
The biggest downside is that he realizes he has nothing to blackmail Jaehyun with, meanwhile Jaehyun has a lot of embarrassing photos of him, and knows a lot of stories that could put Doyoung to shame. This is, mainly, because when the two of them are together and a problem comes up, it’s Doyoung who has to solve it. The most traumatic case was, probably, during the first year of their relationship, that time Ten stole their clothes and towels while they were in the communal showers. Doyoung had to run naked across the whole residency to get to Jaehyun’s room, because if it had depended on Jaehyun, they would have stayed in the shower for the rest of their lives. Although four years have passed since then, Jaehyun reminds him from time to time, and it still amuses him like the first day; Doyoung thinks that at least that horrible experience is useful to make his boyfriend laugh.
But it’s satisfying to observe who they are now, college long forgotten, going steady. They are probably the most stable couple among their friends, the ones who didn’t hesitate to live together, the ones who everyone expects to never break up. Doyoung always feared that Jaehyun wasn’t ready for it, that all that pressure would force him to back out, but Jaehyun didn’t leave his side. At this point, when he wakes up with Jaehyun in his arms — or by default, with Jaehyun draped all over him like Doyoung is a teddy bear to sleep with— he doesn’t doubt Jaehyun’s feelings anymore.
“Ten has just discovered we aren’t coming back until mid-January,” Jaehyun announces as soon as Doyoung opens his eyes. Jaehyun might be snuggled up against him, but he still has the phone in his hands, quickly scrolling down. He flashes the screen at him so that Doyoung sees the pictures, though he has chosen the ones which have Ten and the puppy in it, not the ones of destroyed furniture. “He’s pissed because our puppy is eating his house, apparently. I already love her.”
Doyoung rolls his eyes. “He’s going to cry when we pick up the puppy, you know?”
“I know,” Jaehyun laughs, as though he’s going to enjoy Ten’s misery once he refuses to let the puppy go. It’s easy to make Ten cry, that’s true, and Jaehyun never misses a chance to gnaw him. Doyoung feels lucky that, considering he used to fuck Ten, Jaehyun has accepted him, even if he had to get over his jealousy issues first. He isn’t sure he would be so tolerant if Taeyong showed up in their lives again all of a sudden. “He’s lame.”
“You’re lame too, though.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Jaehyun ignores him, pretending he doesn’t care, but Doyoung knows better. And effectively, it takes him less than a minute to explode and, as he jumps out of the bed, continue with, “You aren’t getting any of this lame man today.”
“It will be our anniversary in a few hours,” Doyoung reminds him. “Don’t make promises you are going to break.”
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Four years ago, in the afternoon, Doyoung was alone. He didn’t go back home with his parents during Christmas, too busy studying and consoling a desolated Jaehyun, and neither did he during the last day of the year. It hadn’t been a good year, he could tell that much, and things weren’t about to change from one day to another. In the end, he felt bad for making up excuses not to meet his family, and he regretted his own decisions, but he was lucky that he had Ten. His friend sensed Doyoung hadn’t returned to his normal self since Christmas, and had tried to convince him that he had to talk to Jaehyun. To get it off of his chest, at least.
Doyoung didn’t listen to him, which was obviously another bad step because Taeyong did call Jaehyun to discuss their break up. And, Doyoung guessed, to make up. So there he was, on the last day of the year, phone in his hand to wait for the terrible news that Jaehyun and Taeyong were back together. No family, no friends, and a pathetic attempt to distract himself with a romantic drama. Bad choices, one after another, had brought him to this situation. Perhaps if he had confessed to Jaehyun, he wouldn’t have run into Taeyong’s arms, even if it was just out of respect for his best friend.
Shockingly, his phone vibrated right when he was about to drop it on the couch, but it was Ten’s name on the screen, not Jaehyun’s. When he picked it up, his friend didn’t give him a single second to protest.
“Soonyoung says his party is compulsory and if we don’t go, he’s blacklisting us,” he stated, very serious, though Doyoung could clearly hear the laughter in the background. Soonyoung wouldn’t say such a thing, especially knowing Doyoung was upset, so he reckoned this must have been Yuta and Ten’s idea. “I don’t care about your stupid heartbreak, you’re coming.”
Doyoung didn’t refuse, even though he knew it was an empty threat. Being lonely wasn’t helping to forget Jaehyun and the possible outcomes of that post break up talk, but getting drunk with his friends sounded like the right medicine for Doyoung.
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“You look so pretty today, now that you have stopped being a bitch about guessing your gift,” Jaehyun jokes after lunch, lying on one of the deck chairs. Given that it’s winter, it would have been impossible for them to go for a swim unless they chose a hotel with an indoor pool. Jaehyun made sure that happened, because otherwise he would have had to deal with Doyoung’s plans all the time, which often can be resumed in shopping. Instead, they spend the last day of the year drowning each other in a deserted pool, no other guests bothering them.
Doyoung suspects that Jaehyun only finds him pretty for different reasons, like he’s only wearing swimming trunks and he’s completely wet. “I wasn’t being a bitch,” he whines. “You are the bitch. Hiding information from your boyfriend.”
Jaehyun tears his gaze away, staring at his own nails instead. The lack of consternation, or at least a childish reply, unsettles Doyoung. If he’s so stubborn about not giving hints before the time of their anniversary comes, it’s because he has put a great effort in his gift. And Jaehyun may be the romantic one, but he’s horrible at finding the right gifts; Doyoung is worried Jaehyun will be disappointed after his reaction.
“Don’t ignore me,” Doyoung protests, sprawling himself on top of Jaehyun. The younger pulls a face, but doesn’t shove him away even if he’s perfectly dry and Doyoung isn’t. Jaehyun allows him to rest his head on his chest, water dripping from his hair, and Doyoung pesters, “I can’t wait to get the worst gift of my life.”
“Okay, now that we’re speaking about this,” Jaehyun murmurs, strangely coy out of the blue. He brushes Doyoung’s bangs out of his forehead, uncertainty in his gaze. “I need to leave to prepare it.”
Doyoung frowns, “You need to prepare it?”
Jaehyun nods, waiting for his approval. This means Doyoung has to spend the rest of the afternoon alone, but so will Jaehyun. Unless Jaehyun intends to throw a surprise party, he doesn’t understand why Jaehyun is going to abandon him. However, Doyoung doesn’t have the heart to contradict his boyfriend when he’s staring at him with pleading eyes. With a sigh, he consents, “Hurry up.”
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“I hate you.”
Doyoung should have expected a trap like the one he was in right then. Ten was too interested in him accompanying them to Soonyoung’s party, which resulted to be an intimate meeting with around fifteen people, all close friends. The moment Doyoung crossed the door, he knew Jaehyun was going to be there. He didn’t suppose Taeyong would attend too, yet he was right next to Jaehyun on the couch, laughing at whatever Yuta was telling them.
“Don’t be a coward,” Ten chided him, pulling him into the house.
Doyoung was great at being a coward, and he liked it that way. The great problem was that Jaehyun had gone to Taeyong’s house, but he had promised to inform Doyoung of whatever they argued about. He had promised to tell him if they got back together, or if they had reached a point without return and they couldn’t give each other a last chance. But there were no messages or calls in Doyoung’s phone. He had no idea what that implied. Wasn’t Jaehyun ready to talk about it? Or was he aware of Doyoung’s feelings, scared of hurting him?
“I would have preferred to be alone tonight than with Taeyong,” Doyoung objected, no trace of shame in his statement. However, he huffily handed his coat to Ten, resigned, and scanned the room to see who he could hoard tonight to avoid Jaehyun and Taeyong.
Ten punched him in the arm, his maternal mode on, “You’re horrible. He’s a good guy.”
“Exactly. He’s smarter than me, he’s more handsome than me, and he’s a better person than me. And on top of that, he’s Jaehyun’s boyfriend.”
That shut up Ten so fast that Doyoung felt the pain inside him too. But he was tired of everyone reminding him that he should be kinder to Taeyong, as though he wasn’t trying, to begin with. They had gone out for dinner together in the past, and Jaehyun had brought him to Doyoung’s apartment several times to hang out. That had happened during the first months of their relationship, and Doyoung didn’t need to ask why Taeyong didn’t visit with Jaehyun anymore. There was a secret between them, the fact that when Taeyong looked into his eyes, he could detect Doyoung was in love with his boyfriend. Taeyong was too nice to mention it, but not enough to relinquish Jaehyun.
“Forget about it tonight, okay?” Ten whispered then, accusing eyes transforming into caring, worried ones. “I’m here for you, and so is Yuta, and Soonyoung, and Youngho. Things will get better, I promise you.”
Swallowing the lump in his throat, Doyoung croaked out a choked yes. He still stuck to Soonyoung and Youngho, trying not to cross paths with either Jaehyun or Taeyong, and he succeeded for a while. It wasn’t a formal dinner, but there was enough food for everyone, and Doyoung found out that helping Soonyoung in the kitchen was the best way to distract himself. His initial plans of starting the new year by getting drunk were cancelled, needless to say, because he was going to do something very stupid in front of Jaehyun if he wasn’t sober.
But as always, when Doyoung wasn’t looking for trouble, trouble found him. Not even half an hour passes when Jaehyun stormed into the kitchen, his eyes immediately falling on Doyoung, an awkward silence spreading in the kitchen. Soonyoung didn’t abandon him, however, because he was perceptive enough to guess that Doyoung didn’t want to be left with Jaehyun. His presence didn’t seem to be an issue for Jaehyun though, because he stepped forward and settled his hands over Doyoung’s waist.
“Are you okay, hyung?” he asked, lowering his voice in an useless attempt to have intimacy.
Doyoung wasn’t ready for this, since Jaehyun’s concern made him remember how unfair he was being towards him. Jaehyun wasn’t at fault for loving someone else, but Doyoung was treating him like he was. And if he ruined the party with his attitude, he was going to regret it tomorrow.
Doyoung sent him the best smile he could invoke, but judging Jaehyun’s expression, it fell short. “I’m okay, why wouldn’t I be?” he lied. Then he patted Jaehyun on the back, pretending they were okay, everything was okay, and joked, “You should go back to the living room, I don’t want you ruining our food, yeah?”
“Says the chef,” Jaehyun weakly joked back, but there was no amusement on his face. Much to Doyoung’s surprise, he obeyed instead of quarrelling with him, throwing a last glance at him before scurrying out of the kitchen.
At first, Soonyoung didn’t comment anything, and both of them focused on cooking. But then he dropped the pan on the table, turned around to face him with his hands on his hips, and sighed in frustration, “They didn’t get back together, you stupid fuckface.”
Doyoung wasn’t sure of what was more shocking, the revelation, Soonyoung insulting him, or that his friend knew exactly what had him so distressed. Thus, Doyoung was only able to answer with a stupefied, “What?”
Soonyoung observed him like he was about to punch him, “Jaehyun and Taeyong. They aren’t together,” he explained, voice tinted with a tone that denoted that Doyoung was completely dumb. “Why are you giving Jaehyun the cold shoulder like an asshole?”
“I-“
“What’s going on in that head of yours to think they were going to date again?” Soonyoung continued, interrupting his obvious upcoming excuse. He jabbed his index finger in his chest, “They met to return their things to each other.”
The easiest solution was to believe Soonyoung was lying to him, but Soonyoung, although sensible, wasn’t one to protect his friends by being dishonest. Yet Doyoung was perplexed, because this meant Jaehyun had resorted to Soonyoung and not to his best friend, for some reason. Pondering about it, Doyoung realized that after Christmas Jaehyun had abstained from talking about the break-up at all, as though he was hiding something from him. Doyoung felt like the pieces should fit in the puzzle after Soonyoung’s clarification, but they didn’t.
Upon Soonyoung’s icy glare, Doyoung defends himself, “Why would I give him the cold shoulder if they were together?”
“Woah,” Soonyoung said, and then laughed. He grabbed the nearest knife and pointed it at him, “Get out of my kitchen, Kim Doyoung, or I’ll stab you with this knife.”
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Despite his age, Doyoung is immature enough to sulk and whine while Jaehyun is away. He goes out for a walk by the sea promenade to relax himself, but it’s inevitable for him to end up sitting at the beach and texting his friends. Almost as though his friends are waiting for him to break down, the answers are immediate. Soonyoung sends him a clear I don’t care about your petty problems, and Youngho offers one of his bad ideas, like getting a new boyfriend so that he can switch between them when one isn’t present. Ten, however, has a faster response. When he replies with a teasing, oh, did your boyfriend finally abandon you?, Doyoung suspects their friends know more than what they let on. Before he has time to pressure Ten into confessing, his friend sends him a last text. Enjoy your gift :3 Everyone except you know what it is, so no one is going to tell you.
“Incredible,” Doyoung protests to no one, staring at the screen in disbelief. When he looks up and takes in the view in front of him, a shudder travels through him. He wonders if Jaehyun wanted him to feel like this, if he left him alone so that he would be able to appreciate his effort, how he meticulously kept his anniversary present a mystery.
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Four years ago, Doyoung had no option but to escape the kitchen. And thanks to his bad luck, he ran straight into Taeyong’s chest, almost sending him to the floor. Doyoung held him in time for him not to trip backwards, but Taeyong’s reaction was very different from what he had expected; his eyes were empty, distracted, and he didn’t take the time to fake a smile for him. Muttering a dry thanks, he rushed to get into the kitchen, and Doyoung stood on his spot for several seconds, petrified.
That should have been enough of a hint for Doyoung, but his brain was too preoccupied with Soonyoung’s words to process Taeyong’s behavior. When he stepped into the living room, most of the guys were already together to welcome the new year. Yuta and Ten were fighting on the couch, which wasn’t very shocking since they always found something to nitpick about, and Jaehyun was standing with Youngho in a corner, talking in hushed voices. There were some people Doyoung wasn’t very close to as well, but in this moment in which he needed to withdraw from reality, chatting up someone he didn’t know was a great idea. He sat between two younger boys, for he recognized one of Soonyoung’s cousins, but their conversation didn’t last long. Soonyoung himself was who interrupted them, announcing they were close to midnight now. With everyone reunited, Doyoung had to stand up and let Soonyoung occupy the couch instead, since he had been serving them all night.
That proved to be his worst move, because in no time Jaehyun approached him, fingers delicately wrapping around his wrist. As he observed his friend, he felt how all his logic seeped out of him; Jaehyun looked so pretty tonight, even though he hadn’t had much time to dress up, his dark bangs falling onto his forehead and red, plush lips that were puckered in a pout.
“Can we talk in private?” Jaehyun muttered, serious, but with a soft trace of desperation that broke Doyoung into pieces.
At first, Doyoung didn’t understand. Then he checked the big clock in the living room and frowned, “It’s ten minutes to midnight, Jaehyun.”
Jaehyun glanced at the clock too, but he didn’t seem very excited about the celebration. His eyes wandered a bit before returning to Doyoung, and swallowing, he insisted in a whisper, “Please.”
This was the funny part. Jaehyun must have been aware of how much control he had over Doyoung. If Jaehyun had asked him to jump off a cliff, he would have done it. If Jaehyun had decided out of the blue that he wanted Taeyong back, Doyoung would have accepted it, even if it had taken him a while. And that made Doyoung feel so, so pathetic, yet he wasn’t able to stop himself to obey.
Jaehyun dragged him out of the living room, and even if most of their friends were too busy to notice it, Doyoung caught Ten’s eyes on them for a second. Despite the asphyxiating pain in his chest, Doyoung found consolation in Jaehyun’s touch; he didn’t care he was about to miss the celebration as long as he had his best friend by his side. However, when Jaehyun led them to Soonyoung’s room and closed the door behind them, Doyoung’s hands were shaking.
Jaehyun gazed at him with a decisiveness that was unusual to him, and Doyoung couldn’t help but step back, aware that they were too close to each other.
His action didn’t diminish Jaehyun’s ferocious eyes, and as though he had been trying to hold back the words, Jaehyun sputtered them too fast, “We broke up because of you.”
It was meaningless. Not because it wasn’t true, but because Doyoung couldn’t understand it. He hadn’t done anything wrong for Jaehyun and Taeyong to fight over, which would have been the only reasonable explanation. As he searched for the answer in Jaehyun’s pupils, Doyoung replied, “What?”
It would have been a perfect moment for Jaehyun to flinch and lie, so that they both would forget about this conversation, but he didn’t. He just inhaled and continued, “Taeyong says I’m in love with you. That I’m using him to ignore what I feel for you.” And then, he grabbed the hem of Doyoung’s shirt, not to pull him, just as if he needed the support, and admitted, “He’s right, Doyoung.”
“Don’t say that,” Doyoung cut him off, before his friend added something more that would have made his resolution crumble. “Don’t say that just because you’re sad, and you feel lonely, and you-”
Jaehyun didn’t let him finish, voice quivering, as though having Doyoung on the edge of tears affected him more than Doyoung himself. He cupped Doyoung’s face with trembling hands, and asked, “Remember the first time you slept with Ten? I had been dating Taeyong for three months. Remember Ten told you a random guy had punched him in a club?”
Doyoung slightly nodded, cheeks rubbing against Jaehyun’s palms. Jaehyun continued, “It was me. When I found out you were sleeping together.” His hands fell to his sides, and he laughed a bitter laugh, devoid of amusement. “Taeyong was so fucking mad at me because I shouldn’t have been jealous of two of my friends having sex, right? But I couldn’t stop myself. When Ten said it, I just lost my mind.”
Out of excuses to discredit Jaehyun’s reasons, Doyoung tried for the last time. He was so afraid that Jaehyun indeed wanted to take advantage of the fact he was in love with him, even though he trusted Jaehyun, trusted that he would never hurt him like that. “So what the fuck were you doing by dating Taeyong?”
Jaehyun shook his head, eyes closed, and much to Doyoung’s surprise, he explained, “You’re too good for me.”
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“Fucking finally,” Doyoung exclaims when Jaehyun crosses the door of their hotel room, with red cheeks because of the cold and his coat wet because of the rain.
His boyfriend looks at him like a deer caught in headlights, as though Doyoung isn’t supposed to be there. Doyoung knows it’s just that Jaehyun is a bit confused, since he has probably run all the way to the room and his blood isn’t in his brain at the moment. Clearing his throat, Jaehyun smiles awkwardly, “I had some… issues.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he rushes him inside, helping him remove the coat. Jaehyun is prone to sickness, and he doesn’t want to deal with a runny nose for the rest of the holidays. “Where are we having dinner?”
“Here. At the hotel restaurant.” With that answer, Doyoung blinks at him, and Jaehyun doesn’t need him to express his thoughts to understand. The deadly look Doyoung is giving him means that he better hasn’t abandoned him during the whole day just to have their anniversary dinner in the hotel. Chuckling, Jaehyun says, “I rented it whole, you baby.”
Doyoung raises his eyebrows, skeptic, “Do you mean that after this vacation, we are poor?”
“Exactly.”
Although Doyoung assumes it’s a joke, he’s proven to be very wrong once he’s sitting in the restaurant, empty except for them and the whole restaurant service. He prevents himself from asking his boyfriend if he has gone crazy, or if they’re poor from now on for real. Jaehyun is glowing, very content with his own idea and incredibly proud every time he gazes at Doyoung, and Doyoung thinks that he doesn’t give a fuck if they can’t pay the rent this month. Jaehyun is happy enough with this, and therefore Doyoung is as well.
“We look so grown up right now,” Jaehyun comments with an annoying grin during the dessert, hiding his face behind his hand as the waiter leaves. “But you look damn hot.”
Considering that comment, Doyoung is tempted to reply that Jaehyun still behaves like a teenager. That smile on his lips allows the youth to shine on his face, and Doyoung is sure his boyfriend will never lose the spark of youth, no matter if he’s twenty or fifty. Perhaps it’s just Doyoung, who loves him as much as the first day, and can’t see any of his flaws. Jaehyun is someone he loves in maturity, but someone he wants to protect as though he’s a kid, and he feels like they both grew together, saw each other maturing and learning.
“We are adults, Jaehyun,” Doyoung snickers in the end, rolling his eyes.
“Yes, well.” Jaehyun shrugs and takes a bite of his cake, licking the spoon. “I’m as happy as a child when I’m with you.”
That is a very gratuitous attack, so Doyoung fusses, “Shut up.”
Pleased by his boyfriend’s embarrassment, Jaehyun releases a laugh, and then his eyes travel from his wrist watch to Doyoung. Any trace of amusement fades away, but there’s a different, deep emotion in his face, something that Doyoung can’t grasp.
“It’s ten minutes to midnight, baby,” he declares, very well aware what these words mean for them. He extends his arm on the table, forgetting about the food, and sends him such a sweet smile that Doyoung melts inside. “Give me your hand.”
Doyoung complies, containing the need of teasing Jaehyun for acting so romantic. It’s their fourth anniversary, and he knows Jaehyun can be excessive when it comes to these events, but this time Doyoung is receiving weird vibrations. “What do you need my hand for?” he plays along, patient.
Instead of answering his question, Jaehyun declares, “I love you, Doyoung.” And then he takes a deep breath, and reassures, “I will never love anyone as much I love you.”
Doyoung is already aware of his feelings, but the way Jaehyun tells him tonight makes him think twice. He examines Jaehyun’s beautiful eyes, how warm their intertwined fingers keep him, how happy he is just by sitting there with his boyfriend, alone, without needing anyone or anything else.
“I love you too, but why are you acting so formal?” Doyoung mutters, overwhelmed. He squeezes Jaehyun’s hand and jokes, “It’s not our wedding.”
Jaehyun lifts one of his eyebrows, delighted, and Doyoung’s smile disappears from his face within a second. His free hand isn’t on the table anymore, but in his pocket, and when it returns to the surface, there’s a box between his fingers. The younger places the tiny box in front of Doyoung, who trembles, really trembles at the mere sight of it. He doesn’t dare to open it, and Jaehyun is well aware of it, but he doesn’t indulge him.
“Did you buy rings?” Doyoung asks, and before he can even finish the sentence, his voice cracks and his eyes swell up with tears. He can’t distinguish Jaehyun anymore, so he wipes his eyes with the back of his own thumb and repeats, “Fucking wedding rings?”
“Just wedding rings. Without the fucking part,” Jaehyun affirms.
He leans to press a kiss on Doyoung’s hand, still in his, and upon realizing Doyoung isn’t going to touch the box, he decides to do it himself. The box has both of their names on it, and the date of their anniversary, but Doyoung seems too shocked to notice it. However, when Jaehyun opens the box and the rings shine in front of him, Doyoung lets out a pitiful whimper.
Jaehyun merrily laughs, “I love you. Marry me?”
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Four years ago, Jaehyun kissed him for the first time.