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Eva and Ryland sit in the middle of a cramped and dimly lit office in Baikonur with shaking hands and red-rimmed eyes in the late hours of the night, or maybe it’s the earliest hours of the morning.
The time was irrelevant, it’s not like they had much of it left now anyway.
It would’ve been easy to default to stolen glances and keeping their distance, there were too many people crammed into this tight space with them, and they weren’t used to letting anyone catch a glimpse of this thing that they’d kept to themself for the last five years. But when you’re living on borrowed time, there’s just no use in hiding what everyone has suspected all along.
So they cling to each other, fingers interlocked and everything from their temples down to their knees pressed together. They aren’t even sure how many times they’ve whispered their ‘I love you’s to each other, but neither of them can stand the thought of hearing it for the last time.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“I always have.”
“I’ll never stop.”
“Do you remember the first time you said it?”
“I couldn’t forget if I tried.”
No one around them is even looking in their direction, despite the two of them being the reason everyone had gathered here. People were signing names on dotted lines while others typed up more contracts and took phone calls from officials in every country imaginable. There was this dull roar of voices and sounds that surely couldn't be as loud as they seemed right now, but everything was elevated and overwhelming, and they were torn between needing this to all just be over already and praying to god that time would slow down just this once.
What they were doing was unprecedented, the whole situation was, really. The woman tasked with finding a solution to the sun dying suddenly requesting a last-second wedding to marry said solution had never really come up before, after all. There was nothing saying that this wasn’t allowed, why would there be? This wasn’t the type of thing the world’s governments planned for when they assigned Eva Stratt to lead the Petrova Task Force, so when Eva made the request over the phone just two hours after the explosion that killed her entire science team in the blink of an eye, no one knew how to react.
She wasn’t willing to hear any excuses, wasn’t willing to hear anything at all besides the way Ryland’s breaths mixed with her own during their final fleeting moments alone in their shared quarters. She’d never been one to waste time, it’s never been an option when the future of every human on Earth was at stake. But this didn’t feel like a waste of time to her, it felt like giving herself just a few more moments with the only person who had ever seen past the walls she’d spent years building around herself. This was very likely the last time these walls would ever be let down, and nothing about that felt like a waste.
So as she was pacing around their room, angry that anything else would even need her attention right now while Ryland sat shaking in the chair in the corner, “I don’t care, figure it out,” were the last words she spoke before hanging up the phone and turning it off, sending everyone in her command into more of a panic than they were already experiencing.
And so, in the final stages of everyone ‘figuring it out’, she and Ryland sit in the corner, surrounded on all sides by gray walls that matched the clouds that were starting to become visible out of the window across the room. She knew in her heart that this was the right choice, marrying him before she no longer had the option. She knew it more than she’d ever known anything. She knew she may never survive the ache of seeing the day they had originally planned all of this to happen be marked off on her calendar without him by her side. The thought of sitting alone in her office trying to get work done and pretend everything was normal while he was light years away on a ship that would never bring him home on the day they were supposed to say their vows was too much.
So they had put on their nicest clothes and bravest faces, and walked out of the room that everyone generously pretended they hadn’t been sharing for years, down the hall to what should’ve been a much happier moment in their lives.
When Ryland first proposed, they stayed up all night talking about what they pictured their wedding to be like. They gave themselves those few hours in the middle of the night, away from everyone and everything else, to just pretend that things could be normal. They’d imagined a small celebration with the people they loved, someday when maybe they weren’t as busy as they’d been for the last few years. They had not pictured a hurried ceremony surrounded by people whose names they didn’t even know, but sometimes plans change at the end of the world.
“Ms. Stratt, Dr. Grace, it’s time.”
The words came from a man that Eva had met a few times, but she wasn’t even sure what his actual job was. Whatever it was didn’t really matter right now though, all that mattered was that he was the one who would be officiating this makeshift wedding. Ryland’s heart beats faster now. Not from nerves, no, the last thing he felt about marrying Eva was nervous. It felt more like a clock that was ticking too fast, like time is racing and he can’t keep up. The feeling shows on his face, the desperation to hold on to every fleeting moment making his jaw tense and his eyebrows knit together. He expects to see more composure from Eva, her usual collected expression that only softens when they’re alone. But when he looks at her, he sees the same dread that sits heavy in his chest reflected in her eyes.
“Are you ready?” Ryland asks, failing to hide the way his voice quivers.
“Is it possible to be ready for something like this?”
He wished he had an answer, but all he could offer was a brush of his lips against hers that he hoped conveyed everything he didn’t have time to say.
“I wish we had more time.”
“I wish it was different.”
“I wish I could stay.”
They hold each other’s hands in the middle of the grey conference room, the weight of everything feeling like a physical weight on their shoulders as they try to hold themselves up, to stop themselves from collapsing into a heap on the floor and hoping that the earth would swallow them whole. That fate would be much more merciful than this one, they thought, but alas they were not destined for mercy, only sacrifice.
They both generously ignore the sweat covering the others’ palms, and the way their hands shake. It was almost a comfort, feeling these things that they’d soon never feel again, like one last opportunity to remember something, anything about the other. Like maybe someday Eva would shake some government official’s hand and it would be clammy, which is never pleasant, but maybe it’d remind her of her husband, and for a moment he’d be there again, his hand in hers. And maybe someday Ryland would be working on something overly-tedious, a long night of focus causing a less-than-steady hand, and he’d be reminded of the last few moments with her. It would be gut wrenching, sure, but he’d take it over forgetting any day.
The vows are read to them, the normal ones you’d likely hear read at a courthouse wedding, because there had been no time to write their own. Another thing that had been taken from them in a matter of seconds. They had thought they still had time before they were supposed to get married, and things had been so busy that neither of them had gotten around to writing their personalized vows. They both hated it, but Eva especially. She knew that she’d never been as giving with the words and feelings she had for Ryland in her heart, and this would’ve been her final opportunity to do so. Regret swells in her chest, a dull ache that spreads through her and down to her bones. Why can’t she speak every syllable of every thought she’s had about him from the day that she met him until now? Why can’t she come up with a beautiful way of telling him that she always knew from the day she walked into his classroom all those years ago?
She had known just about everything there was to know about Ryland Grace before she walked into that room that day. Or so she had thought. She’d done thorough research, any information that existed about this man was seared into her brain, knowing that despite his egotistical meltdown at the UNESCO conference, he was the man she needed for the job. She needed someone willing to piss other people off, someone who thought that they were right when everyone else thought they were wrong.
What all of those files didn’t tell her is that she’d fall in love the first time she heard him laugh, saw him smile, saw him so hyper-focused in the lab it was like he had total tunnel vision. The only times he had looked up were to seek her approval, and those same blue eyes from her memories stared back at her now, only with a few more lines forming creases at the corners than there had been back then. She doesn’t remember when they got there, only that she had a few of her own these days, and that she wished the two of them could be together to watch as more appeared and their hair turned gray.
The files also didn’t tell her that Ryland Grace would consume every bit of her. Something in his horrible jokes and his total dedication to everything he cared about had her in a haze before she even knew it was happening. She hadn’t wanted to accept it, this wasn’t who she was. It was entirely inappropriate, and they both knew it. Yet that didn’t stop them from stumbling back to each others’ rooms after long nights spent working together in her office at every opportunity in those first few months.
She wished the time hadn’t passed so quickly. She wished she could go back, just for a day even, if it meant she could cherish it just a little bit more. Give herself just a single moment to not be Director Stratt, and to just be in love with Ryland Grace instead. But she couldn’t. She had right now, and maybe if she was lucky, another twenty minutes. Maybe not even that.
“--in the name of love, loyalty, and commitment.” The words that the man is saying were drowned out, sounding like they were underwater and he was speaking to them from the shore. It was all just a dull roar in her ears, the rushing anxiety of feeling time pass and knowing there’s nothing that can be done to slow it. It hurt to hear the second hand on the clock on the wall tickticktick-ing away their time together, each one like a shot to the chest.
The man handed them both the rings that they’d been given to use. Another wedding detail that had yet to be finalized was rings, so somehow, somewhere, two simple gold wedding bands had been sourced within the hour. The metal was cold between her fingers as the man read the part of the vows where they were meant to exchange rings. She was holding this gold band, about to put it on his finger, knowing that he’d wake up over a decade from now and see it for what would likely feel like the first time. She wondered if he’d remember right away, if she would immediately come to his mind the second he woke up and saw the glint of gold on his finger. Would it be instant, or would he have to think about it for a moment, letting a blurry memory come into focus while he tried to remember who and where he was?
She knew that the one he had in his hand to give to her would weigh heavy on her hand and in her mind every single day, knowing that the one that matches would never with hers again. They’d never sit next to each other on the kitchen counter while they cooked dinner and washed the dishes, they’d never be taken off and sat on the dresser before getting into the shower after a long day. They’d simply be two matching rings further away from each other than any other set had ever been.
She’d considered asking him to send it back with the beetles to have something that had been his, something to try to feel close to him again after so long, but she wasn’t sure what was a harder thought: never seeing it again or knowing that he’d die without it while she knew she’d never take hers off.
She tries her best to push away the dark thoughts that someday, hopefully years from now, the ring would be all that was left of him. Of them. The gold band on a ship floating somewhere in space, further away than her mind and heart could fully comprehend, would be the only remaining proof that she’d ever been his.
Ryland takes his turn sliding the ring onto Eva's finger, and it’s almost too much. It’s almost the thing that makes her fall apart. But not yet. She can’t fall apart yet. It feels like a waste, to spend this time letting the waves of sadness wash over her. She knows that, unfortunately, she will have the rest of her life, no matter how long that might be, to do that after he’s gone.
Gone.
Her eyes sting at the word echoing through her mind.
Gone. Gone. Gone.
She needs it to stop, would do anything for it to stop. She lets her nails dig into her palm, hoping the sting will pull her out of her own head.
Focus, Eva. This is all you have left. There’s no second chance at this.
“Eva Stratt, do you take Ryland Grace to be your lawfully wedded husband?” The man asks, and her heart is beating violently against her chest. She knows that this means this ceremony is coming to an end, and while she should be excited to declare herself Ryland Grace’s wife, she knows that all it really means is one step closer to sealing his fate. She will be Ryland Grace’s wife, but she will also be Ryland Grace’s executioner.
She knows he’d never think of her that way, but that almost makes it worse. He’s so understanding, so forgiving, so kind. He’d never consider her the bad guy in this situation. He’s just doing what has to be done, but she’ll never forgive herself for being the one to ask him to do it. She’ll spend the rest of her life wishing there could’ve been someone, anyone, else. That it could have been her instead. She never lets herself be selfish, she just can’t in a situation like this, one where the world literally depends on her to make the right choices. But she can’t help but wonder, in fleeting and painfully guilty moments, if it’s all worth it to give up this. Her Ryland.
She hates that the words she says next burn, that she has to think about the fact that they’re some of the last words she’ll ever say while looking into his eyes.
“I do.”
She sees a tear fall down his cheek, and he doesn’t wipe it away. Somehow, he has a smile on his face. He knows he’s going to die, and yet he finds it in himself to let his light shine on her. If only his smile could warm the Earth as much as it warms all the parts of her that she thought were doomed to be cold forever, this wouldn’t be happening in the first place.
She musters up the courage to smile back at him. It’s not fake, really. But it is forced. It’s not that she feels no joy in this moment, but it feels impossible to stop letting the pain outweigh it. But it’s like as soon as Ryland sees the slightest tilt at the corners of her lips, every ounce of anxiety in his body melts away, and all that matters is that he’s there with her, no matter for how long. She hopes that no matter what happens out there, he never loses his light. That he can always find it in himself to emit such joy in the face of every horrible situation.
The man speaks again, “Ryland Grace, do you take Eva Stratt to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
Ryland’s jaw tenses, only for a second before taking a deep breath, trying not to let it be obvious that it’s far more labored than it should be, and then letting his jaw relax again. There’s a lump in his throat that he can’t seem to get rid of, and he’s allowed a couple of tears to fall in hopes of alleviating it at least a little bit, but he fears as soon as he speaks, it’ll be game over.
Hold it together, Ryland. Do it for her. Everything for her.
All he wants is to pull her into him, whisper his “I do.” into her ear, and run away from it all. He wants to live in a world where she is not Eva Stratt, Head of The Petrova Task Force and most powerful woman in the world and he is not Dr. Ryland Grace, the world’s leading authority in astrophage biology, solution to the world’s biggest problem.
He dreams of a life where they are simply Ryland and Eva, and they are both unimportant in the grand scheme of everything. A world where maybe they met at work, or the grocery store, or anywhere but here. He’d give anything to just do something normal after this, to spend every penny he has to his name on whatever beautiful honeymoon Eva dreamed of, to go to the DMV to get both of them a new drivers license with their new hyphenated last name on it, to do something boring, to just be together.
Since he can’t seem to think of a single way to make any of those things real in the next five seconds, he decides there’s no choice but to take what he can get, and have this brief but beautiful marriage with Eva. His Eva.
He swallows hard, willing himself to please be strong for just a moment longer, before he says his line.
“I do.”
Is this when they’re supposed to kiss? To celebrate?
Ryland can’t stand the deafening silence, the uncertainty, the waste of time spent on being unsure of what to do next. Of course he should kiss her, why would he not? Not for traditions sake, but because he wants to, needs to, might die right here if he doesn’t. He reaches out to place his hand on Eva’s jaw before taking a step forward and pulling her against him and into a kiss.
Another thing that feels like a countdown. How many more of these will they get?
Five? Two?
Less than that?
He feels her body shaking against his, and he tries to hold her tighter in hopes of steadying her, but it’s only now that he realizes that he’s shaking just as hard. It’s just the three of them in the room, and Ryland feels the air shift next to them as the officiant awkwardly takes a step away and looks anywhere but at the two of them, suddenly finding a small chip in the paint on the wall next to them very interesting. He doesn’t blame the guy, this moment feels incredibly intimate, tears falling and shaking breaths, desperately clinging to each other as much as they possibly can. While they still can.
When they finally pull away, it feels almost impossible to not immediately fall back into each other, but they know this can’t go on forever. As much as they wish they could, they can’t stand in the middle of this room for the rest of time and forget that the rest of the world exists.
The realization dawns on them both at the same time, that with the end of the kiss, this wedding is over. It’s all over. The pain of knowing that what should be a beautiful new beginning is actually just the final step towards the end. Now nothing stands between them and the thing they had hoped would somehow never come.
This time the man’s voice startles them both. He’s moved over near the door, his hand resting on the handle. He clears his throat to get their attention before speaking to them,“Doctor Ryland Grace, we thank you for your great sacrifice, not only for Project Hail Mary, but to the Earth and all of its people. You will be remembered as a hero.”
All he can do is nod as the man speaks, never turning his head to give him his full attention, and still looking into Eva’s eyes.
He's fidgeting with the new gold band that feels heavy on his finger, knowing that if he tries to speak, all that will come out is ‘Please don’t make me leave her.’
Of course he cares about the future of humanity, he doesn’t want the entire population to disappear any more than anyone else would. But wouldn’t thirty years spent with Eva in the hell that Earth would become be better than a single day knowing he’d never see her again?
“We will give you two some time alone before you need to come with us. You have ten minutes.”
How do you say goodbye to the future that you’d spent years planning for in ten minutes? The door clicks closed and suddenly they’re the only two left. They know that there are at least two people stationed outside the door, they can’t risk their only hope of a scientist as well versed as Ryland Grace in astrophage going M.I.A. after all, but this is as close to alone as they can hope for in their current situation.
“I don’t want you to forget me,” Ryland says, and maybe it sounds pathetic, but they’re past that now.
“How could I?” She places a hand lightly on her stomach and their gazes both fall there, pained expressions that had been joyous only a few weeks ago when they found out, “I’ll have part of you forever.”
He mourns what could have been, the future of their family together. He’s not sure how he will bring himself to leave it behind, but he knows he has to. It’s the right choice. He repeats it to himself over and over in his attempt to believe it. He wants to be there for Eva and their child. He’d never considered having a family before Eva, assuming he was going to spend the rest of his life without something like that and feeling mostly okay with it, but things change, and now that he knows someone like Eva exists, he wants to be a husband and a father more than he’s ever wanted anything. Maybe in another life he'd get to have that with her. He wasn't sure he even believed in that sort of thing, but right now he was willing to believe anything if it meant that this goodbye might not be forever.
Have three minutes really already passed?
“It feels like I should say something important,” Ryland says, and it pulls a laugh from Eva, even if it’s only a small one. He tries to burn the sound into his mind, praying he’ll never forget it no matter how long he goes without hearing it. He hopes that when his time comes he’ll have a vision of her with a smile on her face, laughing at something dumb he said before shaking her head and telling him that she loves him. That’s how he wants to always remember her.
“I think we’ve said it all at this point, have we not?” Eva asks.
“It just doesn’t feel like it’ll ever be enough. We just didn’t have enough time.”
“I’m not sure any amount of time ever would’ve felt like enough.”
She was right, and he knew it. It wouldn’t matter if it was now or if it was sixty years from now, he always would have wished for more. But this feels particularly unfair, to be torn apart when they still had so much life left to live together. This wasn’t one of them passing in their sleep after watching each other grow old, it was them with an entire future ahead of them that was burned to the ground in an instant.
How has it been seven minutes already?
“Will you tell them about me?” He asks, glancing at her stomach again, trying to imagine what their child might be like. Would they have beautiful red hair like their mother? Would they have blue eyes to match his and hers?
She looks shocked that he’d ask such a question, “What are you talking about? Of course I’m going to tell them about you, you’re their father.”
“I just thought maybe it’d be easier if they didn’t have to know. I thought you might want to spare them the details, at least until they were older.”
“I promise I’ll start telling them about you from the second they’re born. They’ll never go a day without knowing their father will be the savior of the world.”
“You know," Ryland says, "I haven’t even left yet, you shouldn’t be so sure.”
“I’ve always been sure of you, in every way. And I’ve never been wrong, I don’t imagine that this time will be any different.”
He huffs out a small laugh, knowing that she's telling the truth. She'd believed in him when no one else did, when he'd been shunned from the field he'd spent his whole life working to be part of, and even when she most likely shouldn't have. And he supposed she was right, she hadn't been wrong so far. He'd somehow always been able to accomplish everything that was asked of him while on the task force, and he knows that it was at least partially because of her belief in him. He hopes that her belief will be enough to get him through his biggest task yet. He hopes that she's right to believe in him this time. He'll do anything in his power to prove her right one last time.
With only a minute left, he pulls her into him one last time. Their lips pressed together, desperate for each other and knowing that this is it. This is all they’ll ever have.
Make it worth it. Remember it. Every detail.
It’s messy, like they need to get as much out of it as possible. He knows that he’ll leave this room with her lipstick smudged over his lips, and he wonders if there’s any way the color might still linger there when he wakes up a decade from now.
“I love you. I love you,” he whispers to her, “Both of you. I’ll never stop loving you. It’ll be the last thing I ever do. When the time comes you’ll both be the last things on my mind.”
It's excruciating to think of his final moments, but it makes sense that it's the thing on both of their minds. She thinks about her final moments as well, though she knows they'll be much different from his. She thinks about how she will likely receive some sort of proper funeral and burial, maybe their child and some grandchildren will even visit her grave if she's lucky. She considers that maybe she'll have a headstone made for him as well, so that even though his grave will be empty, it can still be next to hers long after she's gone and people will know that once upon a time, they belonged to each other.
God she doesn't want to think about his grave right now.
“I love you too, Ryland. I always will.”
One last kiss, and there’s a knock on the door followed by the sound of the handle turning. How can it be over already?
“Maybe I’ll make it back to you someday, somehow,” Ryland says as the men step towards him to take him away from Eva. It's an insane thought, something he shouldn't let either of them consider. This is a suicide mission, it always has been.
“I’ll spend every day praying that you do.”
She knows she shouldn’t. She should absolutely not let herself have any hope for that, it’s impossible. But she knows that a day won’t pass that she won’t hope for the possibility that maybe he’d be hers again someday.
They handcuff him, which she knew they would despite her request for them not to. He was going willingly, she just didn’t see a point in it. They had claimed it was protocol, but she didn't see how there could be protocol for something that had never happened or been planned for. But he’d asked her not to argue on his behalf, saying it was easier to just let it happen.
And with his hands cuffed behind his back, he still holds his head high as he tells her that he loves her for what they have to assume will be the last time. The people escorting him out are not lenient, they do not give them any extra time past what they were promised. These people mostly work for her, and she’s sure that if she absolutely insisted, they could be given at least a couple more minutes, but they both knew it would never make it easier. So they stick to the schedule
She barely gets her response out before the door clicks closed behind them.
“I love you too, Ryland. Always.”
Eva stares at the closed door, now alone in the empty room and allows herself a moment to feel nothing, and just let the silence consume her.
When the silence quickly turns from almost-peaceful to the horrible reminder of being alone, she walks across the room and stares out the window, looking down one story to the sidewalk that runs in front of the building, and she sees Ryland being escorted away, in handcuffs like some sort of criminal, knowing that it’s her fault. As if he can sense her watching, or sense her blaming herself, he looks up. He doesn’t have to search for her, his eyes go immediately to the window she’s standing in front of, and his eyes meet hers. He nods, just a single dip of his chin, and smiles at her one last time before turning a corner and leaving her sight.
Her vision blurs, tears pooling at her waterline, and there’s no more holding it back. She falls to her knees, all alone in this bleak, cold room, and she weeps. She lets sobs rack her body, she allows herself to be loud and not care if there’s still someone stationed outside the door or not. She cries until there are no more tears left.
And when she can’t cry anymore, she prays.
She prays that somehow, some way, her love will return to her.
God willing.