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Freya finally gave birth. This was a rather new and unexpected event. Kalliniki hadn't imagined it was even possible, given the procedures and experiments the unfortunate dog had undergone to have the appearance that she has now. Something vaguely reminiscent of a dog and more like something you see at night in the periphery or in nightmares. However, she was completely harmless, well, at least for everyone except the rats that filled the bunkers and sometimes even climbed into the Rezzer, acquiring its most charming appearance.
But she didn't think it was anything bad, the pregnancy went well and the dog was perfectly healthy, fortunately she wouldn't have to write her off. Kaliniki wouldn't have been upset if she had to be euthanized. After all, as she said in an interview a few weeks ago, all dogs are like her children. And Freya was one of her few, so to speak, daughters. She was in the bunker even before her handler. Is it possible to just get rid of her just because she's a little sick? Yes, it is. Well, that's what other more experienced handlers have said.
— Good girl, Freya. You did so good... —
The woman sat down next to a shabby bed in a small, makeshift dog maternity ward. It used to be a storage room. It was filled with shelves full of empty cans, broken lamps, expired medications and other junk that dogs sometimes dragged away in here despite many attempts to teach them not to do so. She scratched the dog behind the ear, causing her to lower her head into her cold palm.
This wasn't the first time she'd delivered a dog. At least it was easier than with the horses on her aunt and uncle's farm.
Everything was lit by the warm glow of burning candles, which had been placed in several empty cans for safety. The candles were only near the bed itself. The rest of the closet was in semi-darkness. The bed lay against a yellowed wall with torn wallpaper painted with a small and very old fresco of God. There were still a lot of them like that, well, before, when soldiers still looked after them.
Freya was covered with Kallinika's doublet to keep her warm and comfortable. It was especially chilly today. The heating in the bunker is poor. Almost all the energy is being drained by the Machine.
She held the bowl of water to the dog's face, stroking its dark, skeletal torso, which bore several long but functional extra legs. Freya lowered her head into the bowl, her movements becoming more lazy, which is understandable, it’s hard to be energetic after such an adventure. Kaliniki examined the litter a second time. Four puppies, as before. All alive, clean, and seemingly healthy. Which isn't surprising with a mother who eats so often and lives a lifestyle outside of the trenches. They all looked a bit like Freya and much more like a regular dog, perhaps a Doberman or some mut. Perhaps they would help their mother catch rats in the bunkers. Or perhaps they would help the wounded in the trenches. Childhood was so short for these poor innocent creatures.
Kalliniki lowered the bowl of water next to Freya, yawning through her practically lipless mouth, baring her teeth. She covered her mouth with a gloved hand. It was now three in the morning. She usually went to bed at ten o'clock, but she stayed late to be with Freya. This was her first litter, after all. She couldn't possibly leave her precious one here, all alone to these strange things that were happening to her in darkness and coldness.
She rubbed her hands together, breathing in air to warm up. She was wearing her pants, boots, and only a yellowed, alcoholic T-shirt. It was cold, but nothing fatal. She'd probably die tomorrow anyway. Not getting enough sleep, and not getting enough sleep would make her absent-minded. Absent-mindedness was deadly.
Kalliniki bit her lower lip, or rather, what left of it. She died hundreds of times, but that didn't make the process any easier. It was always cold, scary, and damp, or hot, depending on the weather. It was a... Chemical thing. Being always afraid of dying, even when it happened to you more than you could count.
The door behind her opened and a familiar silhouette appeared. She wasn't surprised to see him here at this hour; no one actually observed the curfew; the guards simply weren't enforcing it. The soldiers slept because they were tired, not because the rules said so. Their non-compliance, especially in this minor form, was not punishable. Usually, soldiers had to bribe the kennel keepers to look at the puppies, but Ascetic didn't count, at least for her. She respected him and even found him attractive; she wasn't going to lie to herself. Not anymore.
He was charismatic, eloquent, kind, and knowledgeable. His past was unknown, but she had reason to suspect he might have been either a teacher or a church minister. He was nice, compared to other men. Gender boundaries certainly blurred over time, but sometimes echoes and human natures surfaced. They were all just animals at the end of the day.
It was a special kind of torture: being pushed out by the Rezzer, lying naked, surrounded by a bunch of men, still afraid, shocked after witnessing their own death and being pushed out again. She felt like a piece of meat even more than usually at these moments. There was a time when some soldiers would come to the car solely to... Stare at their revived comrades of the opposite sex. Fortunately, this practice was quickly stopped by the management, prohibiting entry to those who were not revived by the Machine.
It wasn't that Kalliniki believed what he preached. Well, she knew about the sun god and certainly feared it, but at the same time, she wasn't really keen on worshiping him. Would a good god allow such sufferings? An endless war in which it's children die every day only to be born and killed for nothing again?
But at the same time, she liked being in a group with him. Firstly, they were in the same company and slept in the same room, so it was better to be on good terms with him and the others. Secondly, it gave her the illusion of hope that tomorrow would be better. And thirdly, the people in his group were friendlier, kinder, more polite, and unlike most, they didn't show their old personalities and upbringing. She felt comfortable with them; they were her friends.
— You came. — It was all she could say. It was sometimes so awkward with him. He spoke in long and complicated sentences and she felt like a simpleton.
Ascetic nodded, closed the door behind him, and walked into the closet, kneeling on the floor next to her. Kalliniki unconsciously adjusted the glowing bandana around her neck and brushed a strand of red hair behind a torn ear. She tried to look good. It was stupid.
They weren't in high school in her northern seaside town. And he wasn't the best-looking boy in the whole class. He literally had no face and he was the leader of a cult who, as she heard and rumors said, had taken the celibacy. And she looked after mutated dogs, she had no skin on her teeth and she died God knows how many times.
— Yes. I came to see the arrival of new life. — Today it was a little easier, maybe because it was late?
Kalliniki nodded, turning her gaze back to Freya, who was resting peacefully on the couch with her first litter. It turned out she had only recently been pregnant, but fortunately they had managed to prepare and the management did not protest. She was glad that everything went smoothly and the puppies seemed healthy. Sometimes she had to bribe respirator specialist to get them medication, but considering that this was Freya's litter (not the most usual dog) they either all will be extremely good or extremely sick.
She prayed for the first option. Even if no one was listening on the other end, it was nice to have at least some hope that they were being watched. Even if that hope was illusory and called self-conviction.
— Do you want to hold one of them? —
Before he could answer, she was already holding out to him a small, soft creature barely covered in dark gray smooth fur. He was one of the most normal puppies in the litter; he inherited only his mother's muzzle shape and elongated body. He literally fit in her palm, like a tiny hot water bottle with a wet nose and muzzle. Perhaps he will change in the future, but not now. Now he had a caring mother who could provide him with warmth, care and comfort, brothers and sisters with whom he would play and most likely work. The creature was not loud, did not even make a noise, feeling too comfortable for this place that goes against the laws of ethics and science.
Ascetic stared at the small creature, then at her face. This continued for several minutes, until he finally took the puppy into his hands, which looked like they were bones covered in charred skin. His palms were warmer than her own, perhaps because he was fully clothed and she was not. It didn't matter. Kalliniki had to make a great effort not to lean in for the warmth. Iy would be so awkward.
She didn't even know if his feelings were mutual, if he even liked women? And what about his religion? He was a preacher, after all. Priests don't have romance outside of marriage. And they certainly can't marry in here.
They were at the front. And at the front, there are no vacations or romance. Only battle, horror, hunger, suffering, and small joys like the birth of these puppies. She felt so silly. Especially after her last death. She lay across his lap in the trench, clutching his uniform, crying and talking about how much pain she was in and how she didn't want to die, and he calmed her down, stroking her forehead and cheek. From what she'd been told, her entire lower body had been torn off. It was sickening. Embarrassing and disgustingly horrifying.
Women often became the butt of jokes when they died unseen deaths on the battlefield. While they weren't laughed at during the action itself, they might be taunted behind their backs afterward. Men, no matter how stupidly they died, didn't receive such treatment. Their feelings are trauma and something serious, while women are simply creatures who interfere where they don't belong and eventually break under the pressure that only men can survive.
— Life, is a light in the darkness that finds it's ways even in the most hidden corners of our world. It's a blessing, a gift from above. Proof that despite all the horrors, there is happiness somewhere. —
Kalliniki raised her head, which had already dropped down in thought. He and his religious ramblings again. She wasn't opposite of this, anyways. His voice was nice, and he knew how to cheer someone up and distract you from the dark thoughts you fall into during moments of silence. And he was so charming when he was talking.
Ascetic placed the puppy on his mother's side, giving the dog three brief strokes under the chin. He wasn't very tactile with anyone fragile or unfamiliar, afraid of scaring or harming them. The man turned his head towards the woman, briefly examining her. Not like the others, more like simply observing her condition. He took her hands in his just to warm them up after he saw how they were red and shaking a little from the cold.
Kalliniki flinched. Her heart jumped, and for the first time in a long time, blood rushed to her face, creating a barely noticeable blush on her cheeks in the half-shadow. She swallowed. She licked and pursed the remains of her lips, trying not to move, so as not to ruin this moment. She knew he didn't mean anything by this gesture; he often shared his warmth with other acolytes; this gesture was purely platonic care. But she liked to think that he wasn't so romantically blind.
Many other soldiers in their cult often hinted to her that her sympathies for their leader were more than obvious, but he simply did not notice it or ignored it.
— How much will you stay here? — He asked, looking into her dark eyes with his white ones, caring for his "flock" as usual.
— Another half hour, I want to make sure that everything will be okay with them. —
He nodded, settling himself more comfortably next to her, folding his legs into a meditative pose, and she repeated the movement. Kalliniki knew it was useless to dissuade him; he was always close to his acolytes when he thought that one of them needed his company or help. Now he looked like a man on a mission. So it was useless to try to persuade him to go to bed. Tomorrow they would most likely die together.
He let go of her hands, and an involuntary shudder of utter disappointment ran through her body; her hands had only just stopped going numb and she was just beginning to feel comfortable. However, things only got better from there.
Ascetic removed his own top; he wore a shirt underneath, unlike hers. He covered first her shoulder, then his own, moving closer so there would be no room for the cold air. His side by her side. She could practically feel his ribbed, burnt skin under his shirt, his raspy breath and the warmth radiating from him, his heart beating softly and evenly, unlike her own. She hoped that he wouldn't notice. He, in his usual manner, turned his head again to the mother and her young children.
This. He did this with other members of the cult, he treated other acolytes a little more formally, despite the warmth he gave them, he kept his distance. It made her feel special and it was so in style of her teenage-self.
Kaliniki gently rested her head on his shoulder, using the pretext of keeping warm, pressing herself a little closer to him. She didn't want this moment to end. The trenches and bunker were always so cold, lonely, either dark or too light. Such comfort was a luxury.
They may die tomorrow, but tonight it did not mattered.