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Christmassy Selfies

Phil has always been a maniac for Christmas. As a child he could never wait for the Christmassy season to start. Even if he had always started relatively early being excited for Christmas when he had been younger, he felt like crossing a line thinking about putting up the Christmas tree – in October. To be fair he only thought about it for a nanosecond. He was after all Phil and therefore far too lazy to do something that required him to be active for more than a minute. Additionally, it might have been a bit too quick labelling the thing he did as a ‘thought’. Nothing Phil thought about and did not tell his roommate Dan was qualified to be a proper thought. When Phil had been younger he had never shared his thoughts with anyone but since he knew Dan and especially since they moved together he always told Dan about everything. However since it was the Christmassy season he had to make an exception with Christmas presents. Phil was convinced that surprising someone on Christmas was one of the things that made it so special so he simply had to keep it a secret as long as possible. This year however he would not get to keep it a secret till Christmas morning because unfortunately he wouldn’t spend Christmas with Dan in their apartment this year.
Phil shook his head, no idea why his thoughts had wandered all the way back to October. He sighed and tried his best to wrap all the presents he had bought throughout December as neatly as possible.
He was a clumsy and relatively messy person so this task really had him concentrated for several hours. To be fair he was distracted every now and then either by Dan or by Youtube videos.
Dan occasionally opened Phil’s door, simply to annoy him and because he couldn’t think of anything else to do. Dan had already wrapped all the presents he had to give to others. He was convinced they were nothing near acceptably neat. He didn’t really care though, for him all that mattered was inside the wrapping paper. Just as Dan was about to burst into Phil’s room once again he smiled to himself thinking about the funny present he had gotten Phil. Before he actually opened the door he listened carefully and heard Phil mutter something. Dan smiled once again and forcefully opened the door.
“Surprise!” he called and cracked up laughing.
“Dan!” Phil complained. He had dropped the sellotape in shock and had now difficulties finding it again.
“Are you finished yet?” Dan asked in a mocking voice.
“Obviously not.” Phil sighed.
“Why?” Dan asked and sat down on Phil’s bed.
“You are distracting me, that’s why.” Phil said matter-of-factly and shot an annoying glance towards Dan who played around with Lion.
“Uh! I’m distracting youuu!” Dan said in a silly voice.
“Stop it. You’re doing it again!” Phil said and blushed. He quickly returned to his wrapping paper trying to concentrate which wasn’t that easy with Dan chuckling behind him. Phil folded the paper once again only to remember that he had lost the sellotape. He sighed and looked for it.
“There you go, turnip.” Dan said softly, handed him the tape and walked out of the room. Phil took a deep breath and tried his best to simply forget about Dan. That was not easy and to be fair quite unrealistic, considering that Dan was constantly around him and therefore a huge part of his life. Not that Phil would have ever said that to Dan but deep inside he knew it was true.
Phil pushed the thoughts away and finished wrapping the present for his mother. While he was wrapping a present for his brother he suddenly heard Dan singing “Santa Claus is coming to town” in a silly voice. As Phil imagined Dan dancing around funnily his work was interrupted by a fit of giggles.
Phil was not that wrong thinking Dan would be dancing around funnily. In fact that was exactly what Dan was doing. He had grabbed a polar bear from their Christmas tree, using it as a microphone and was now dancing around the lounge pretending to be a rock star with a huge stage to perform on. If anyone was wondering, Dan would probably never grow out of something like that. His family had accepted that that was simply part of who Dan was. By the way, Dan thinking about his family usually included Phil. He was simply always around and they understood each other well enough to be brothers. Even though Dan was more than happy to say that he understood Phil well enough to be his brother, something felt wrong saying it like that. Dan just wasn’t sure what…

About an hour later Phil triumphantly threw away all the little snippets of paper he had created and walked into the lounge. Dan had stopped singing and dancing and was now staring into the television.
“Finished!” Phil exclaimed and beamed at Dan.
“What?” he asked absently and slowly turned around to look at Phil.
“I have successfully finished wrapping all the presents.” Phil said proudly and stole a Malteser out of the bag on Dan’s lap.
“Congratulations.” Dan said and smiled. “I still don’t understand why you had that many presents.”
It was true. Phil had bought irrationally many presents. So far, he had been too ashamed to tell Dan why but that moment would surely come soon, considering the fact that both him and Dan would be leaving to their families tomorrow.
“Do you think we should do it now?” Dan asked excitedly.
“Pardon?” Phil asked, mouth still full of Malteser.
“I mean, exchanging presents.” Dan said and blushed. He usually tried to hide his excitement for Christmas but with Phil around, aka Mister Christmas, he felt less childish and ridiculous. Phil always managed to make him feel that way. A character trait Dan was honestly thankful for.
Dan jumped to his feet as Phil nodded slowly and raced into his room, looking for the present he had bought Phil. Well, he ordered it online but he paid for it nevertheless…
Just as Dan raced out of his room Phil opened his door and stepped outside. They collided and being very tall and clumsy in general they did not manage to stay on their feet but fall over.
“I’m so sorry!” Dan said with flushed cheeks. He had fallen right into Phil’s lap. Phil didn’t mind him there. In fact he was kind of enjoying the contact he usually never was allowed to share with Dan because he chickened out.
“That’s alright. Shall we exchange our presents here or do you want to sit in the lounge?” Phil asked and smiled gently. He definitely didn’t want to exploit Dan in any way. Not that Phil would have been able to, Dan was quite strong but Phil knew Dan didn’t realise half as many things he usually did because it was Christmas. Every got a bit carried away in the Christmassy season.
“Lounge.” Dan shouted and got up quickly. Phil sighed quietly and followed him. He had done the right thing, even if he wasn’t completely sure if he would ever be completely happy if he put everyone’s happiness before his own.
They sat down on the sofas and looked at each other excitedly. That was when Dan noticed that the present he was about to hand to Phil was larger than the one Phil had in his hands. Even if his was bigger, Phil had a bag full of presents next to him. And apart from that. Neither size nor quantity mattered, all that mattered was the sheer idea of giving something and having thought about it for long enough.
“Okay, who is first?” Phil asked.
“Are all those for me?” Dan blurred out and blushed. He couldn’t shut his mouth, at Christmas he still behaved like an excited child.
“I’m afraid not.” Phil said and winked.
“You go first then.” Dan said and practically threw the present into Phil’s face. After he had gotten the question off his chest he wanted to see Phil’s reaction to the gift he had bought hm.
“Why thank you.” Phil said and smiled. He carefully opened the wrapping paper which earned him an annoyed moan from Dan.
“Hurry up. It’s hideous! You won’t get to keep it anyways it’s not square it’s nothing! Hurry up!” Dan said and leaned his head onto his hand. Biting his lip excitedly.
Phil tried his best not being irritated by that and hurried with tearing the paper apart. When he had finally finished unwrapping the present he firstly looked at it in confusion. In all the rush he wasn’t able to distinguish a certain shape let alone a function.
“What is this?” He asked and held it up. The only thing he figured out was that the thing he was holding was supposed to be a plushie.
“Can’t you see?” Dan asked and smiled broadly. Phil turned to him and gulped, there was no denying that Dan looked incredibly beautiful looking at him like that.
“No.” Phil said eventually.
“Neither do I, to be honest. I thought it would be cute nevertheless. You always wanted a pet so I thought why not give him a hideous pet toy.”
“You seem to have thought quite a lot.” Phil mumbled and smiled.
“What would you say it is, then?” Dan asked and shuffled closer causing Phil’s heartbeat to go unconditionally fast. Phil tried to ignore it and swallowed.
“I don’t know. I suppose it’s meant to be some kind of sea animal.”
“A fish?” Dan asked and frowned.
“Yes. A Blobfish.” Phil said and started laughing.
“Why you laughing?” Dan asked, the corner of his mouth already twitching.
“You got me a plushie Blobfish for Christmas?” Phil asked and started laughing again.
“I already told you. I thought it would be funny.” Dan said and sounded a little disappointed.
“Oh. I didn’t say I don’t like it. I think it’s cute. But well, let me say, it is a very Dan present.” Phil said and blushed at his own words.
“Did you just use my precious name as an adjective?” Dan asked.
All Phil replied before handing him his present was: “That was a very Dan thing to say.”
Dan shook his head and started unwrapping Phil’s present. He wasn’t wasting anytime with it even if he had to admit that Phil’s hard work kind of payed off as his presents looked really good – compared to Dan’s. A reason for Dan’s rush was also Phil who looked at him closely while cuddling his Blobfish. He would never tell him in a century but some things in his behaviour usually caught him off guard and made his body do all the weird things, including a fast beating heart for example.
“You are relatively neat this year.” Dan commented while loosening the sellotape, a method to distract himself from whatever his brain wanted to tell him.
“Thanks. I tried really hard. Especially with your present.” Phil said before noticing it. He perhaps even meant it but admitting something like that didn’t feel right. Not yet and probably never.
“Why that?” Dan asked. Luckily he did not notice Phil’s flushed cheeks.
“Well. Giving my very best… I don’t know.” Phil mumbled and cursed Dan for asking. While Dan continued unwrapping the present Phil pretended to examine his own one.
“What is this?” Dan asked after he had finished, mocking Phil’s voice from earlier.
“What would you say it is, then?” Phil asked, mocking Dan’s voice from earlier.
“A phone case, perhaps?” Dan asked smiling brightly.
“Yes!” Phil shouted and threw his Blobfish into Dan’s face.
“Oi! Take care! You don’t want it to break!” Dan shouted and threw the toy back. “This is seriously beautiful though.” Dan admitted and took a closer look of his present.
“Surprised?” Phil asked and examined Dan’s face.
“Well. You seem to know me quite well judging that you went for a black case with golden stars which represents my personality perfectly.” Dan said and smiled fondly.
Lacking of a good answer Phil simply asked: “Surprised?”
“Not really. Thanks so much!” Dan shouted and squeezed Phil’s knee.
“Oi!” Phil shouted and bat his hand away. “You know perfectly well that I’m ticklish there.”
“What?” Dan asked, pretending to be surprised. In revenge he poked Dan’s side for a while, making best use of the fact that he knew where Dan was most ticklish.
“Alright. Sorry.” Dan said and stared laughing. It took them both a while to calm down.
“Okay. Now tell me. Whose are those presents?” Dan asked pointing towards bag full of presents.
“I’ll only tell you if you promise me not to laugh.” Phil mumbled straightening non-existing wrinkles in his shirt. He felt nervous and silly right now. What if Dan called him a weirdo once he told him?
“Alright, I promise.” Dan said with a little chuckle. He couldn’t think of anything Phil might want to tell him right now.
“Well. Okay. I guess I had to tell you eventually anyways so… well. In that bag I got presents for your… well for your parents, brother and even Colin. I mean pets should have a nice Christmas as well, shouldn’t they. Well anyways you have to take them with you now as I have already wrapped them and stuff so well, yeah. Tell them I wish them a merry Christmas, would you?” Phil asked and stopped, suddenly realising how much he had spoken. He felt awfully silly for the time it took Dan to say something.
“Thanks, I guess.” Dan said, his cheeks a deep red. Dan knew that Phil was always very considerate with his actions, always wanting to please everyone but this was something else. It was safe to say that Dan was deeply moved by Phil’s gesture.
“You’re welcome.” Phil said and shot a beaming smile towards Dan. He was incredibly relived that Dan wasn’t freaked out but seemed to be happy. He continued to smile at Dan who felt himself getting warmer within seconds. Something about Phil really made him appear like a sun.
“I’m so sorry that I don’t have anything for your family.” Dan said suddenly realising how ignorant he was and blushed once again as Phil handed him the bag.
“That doesn’t matter. As long as I can tell them you wish them a merry Christmas, they are going to be more than delighted.” Phil said and smiled.
“Well, then tell them I wish them a very merry Christmas!” Dan said and smiled. He still felt bad but he knew Phil was right. Phil’s family did not expect him to give them anything. Well so to say, neither did Dan’s but as Phil had already done it, it was too late now.
“Okay. Well. As we have finished exchanging our presents would you care watching…”
“Anime?” Dan finished Phil’s sentence.
“Yes. If you want to.” Phil said.
“I would indeed.” Dan said and to his very own horror, winked at Phil. Winking was definitely one of the things Dan was not proud of at all. He tended to do it in the weirdest scenarios imaginable.
“Okay, I get the anime then and you take care about what we’ll eat and drink, alright?” Phil asked. Dan nodded and they both took care to spend a nice last evening together, before their ways parted.

The next day was pretty stressful for them both as they had to pack all the things they needed. To be fair it shouldn’t have been too much, as they were spending nothing more than an entirety of three days away from home. Yes, even though Dan would be going back to the house he grew up in, the only place on earth he would ever call home, was his London apartment, he shared with Phil.
At around lunch the next day Phil was the first one to leave. He took a suitcase and two bags with him. He obviously took his phone and laptop with him, to keep him entertained on the train ride. Even though Phil loved Christmas and celebrating it with his family in particular, he felt bad, leaving Dan alone. Okay, perhaps it was less the fact that he left him alone and more the fact that they wouldn’t spend Christmas together. Phil honestly loved being around Dan so it was always a pain in the chest, leaving him for Christmas.
Before actually saying goodbye to Dan, Phil checked that he had everything with him. He wouldn’t take Dan’s present with him, as he would turn 29 in January and being nearly 30 did definitely not require taking toys onto a train ride. To be fair it took Phil quite long to figure out it was best if he did not ruin his reputation in case of being recognized and therefore better travel without the Blobfish.
Phil concluded that he had everything and gently pushed the door to the lounge open. Dan had also already packed all his things, apart from his laptop which he was using right now to make the time pass quicker. The time, he wouldn’t be spending with Phil.
“I better get going now.” Phil said, feeling a little awkward.
“You better if you want to catch your train.” Dan said and looked up from his laptop with genuine smile which made Phil feel warm inside. Sadly it also reminded him how wrong it felt leaving Dan.
“Okay, well. Make sure you hand over my presents and my wishes…”
“I will.” Dan said and placed the laptop next to him on the sofa.
“Will you be alright?” Phil asked anxiously.
“Phil! I’m not twelve.” Dan said but a little wrinkle of worry crossed his face never the less. He didn’t think he wouldn’t be capable of staying alive he simply feared for the health of his mind. People would wonder how fast he drowned in weird thoughts if Phil wasn’t around and he was in fact all alone, not surrounded by anyone.
“I know. Sorry. Okay. I better go. I’ll miss you.” Phil mumbled and turned around to leave. Dan felt a little bad as he heard Phil’s tone. He didn’t want to hurt Phil he primarily wanted to protect himself.
“Oi, Phil! Have a nice Christmas!” Dan shouted. Was Phil actually just going to leave like that?
“You too.” Phil said and walked on.
“Oi!” Dan called. He was apparently.
“What is it?” Phil asked confused. He was a little tired and wanted this horrible scenario of saying goodbye to Dan to be as quick over as possible.
“Is that actually the way you want to wish me a merry Christmas?” Dan asked and stopped Phil from walking on. For the sake of not letting Phil just go, he had jumped off from the sofa which caused a lot of blood to rush through his brain right now. It was worth it though.
“How would you wish me a merry Christmas then?” Phil asked curiously.
“Well.” Dan said, suddenly feeling awkward. Perhaps all that jumping wasn’t worth it in hindsight.
“Tell me now or never. I have to go.” Phil reminded him, checking the time on his phone.
“Well then. Merry Christmas Phil.” Dan said and to Phil’s very surprise, hugged him. This wasn’t thought through and Dan already feared Phil might push him away but luckily he did not such thing.
“Merry Christmas, Dan.” Phil said and squeezed Dan tight. He would make sure to make the very best of this situation which occurred close to never between him and Dan. Funny enough this didn’t feel like exploiting Dan. After all it had been Dan who had initiated this situation.
After a while Dan suddenly cleared his throat. “I thought you had to go.” He said and laughed forced. He had been debating with him if he should let Phil be late for his train or be the one that pushed him away. In the end he decided reasonably and reminded Phil of the plans he had for today.
“Yes. I do. Well. See you in three days. Bye!” Phil said and loosened his grip around Dan. He felt like he had stayed a little too long in Dan’s embrace, especially after Dan had reacted this bluntly.
When Phil walked down the stairs he turned around once more and waved. He did that partly he still couldn’t forgive himself for leaving and partly to check that everything was perfectly alright between him and Dan. Dan pulled a face, turned around and walked back into the lounge laughing. What Phil did not guess was that the laugh was rather forced and was used to cover the lump of sadness that had formed in Dan’s throat as Phil had turned around to leave.

Phil rushed to the train station ignorant of any feelings Dan could have except for excitement to be seeing his family again for Christmas. When he arrived on the platform he had to practically jump into his train, realising that he still had an awful lot of time left until the train actually left London. He sighed deeply. Trains were weird. They either left immediately and left no time to have a proper goodbye or one googled at each other weirdly for ten minutes until the train cared to leave finally. Phil opened his laptop made himself as comfortable as possible to watch “The Grinch” keeping the Christmas spirit up, the whole way up north.

Meanwhile back at home Dan caught himself starring into the void which was his and Phil’s black television screen. He shook his head and decided to get lost in Tumblr for a while rather than doing less than nothing. No matter how easy it was for Dan to get lost in Tumblr till around 4 o’clock in the morning on a normal day, there was no text post, no gif-set that could stop him from thinking about Phil. His family was more than kind, not to get him wrong but celebrating with the family without Phil simply felt wrong. He was a huge part of Dan’s life and no matter how often Dan tried to persuade himself of the opposite, he could never imagine leading a life that didn’t include Phil as his best friend and well, partner in crime.
It was important to add that Dan had not always felt this way. Since the day he had met Phil he was very happy whenever they got to spend time together but that he felt like neglecting him when they didn’t spend Christmas together was new. Sometimes Dan wondered if he had grown too attached to Phil. Perhaps it was time to loosen their bond. Even only thinking about it made cold shivers run down Dan’s spine. He sighed and took a deep breath before typing “AmazingPhil” into the search bar on top of his Tumblr desktop. He wasn’t sure what to expect, neither did he know why he did it in the first place. He probably wanted to see Phil’s smiling face again. Yes, that was weird. Phil leaving was less than an hour ago and yet Dan already experienced the need to look at Phil again. He could have simply looked at photos he had on his phone of the two of them but… Okay, you see that Dan did not have an explanation for his behaviour. He desperately wanted to distract himself from the thought of leaving Phil. He shouldn’t be thinking about those sad thoughts at Christmas.
Perhaps Dan was even guided by a longing deep down that made him want to see for himself if he could see any of the sparks the viewers seemed to notice in pictures of him and Phil. Without Phil around Dan was feeling brave enough to check. He had never told the audience precisely what he felt for Phil. Something which might as well have resulted from the fact that he didn’t know it himself. Searching for help in a group of teenagers that took anything they could get as evidence that Phan was real probably wasn’t the wisest thing Dan could have done but he felt like that was the only thing for him to do at the moment.
Dan took a deep breath and started scrolling through the pictures and quotes. If one read those without any context it was easy to interpret them in any way, Dan noticed that right away. However sometimes the viewers surprised him. At a few occasions he had secretly tried to drop that Phil meant a lot to him. All the time he tried to make Phil notice it but in the end it must have been mainly the viewers. Dan sighed. It wasn’t fair that all his attempts which weren’t even that thought-through didn’t mean anything to Phil but apparently everything to the viewers.
Dan spent about one and a half hours looking through pictures and edits of him and Phil before he had to leave for the train. In the end he had to admit that the viewers might be right after all. Judging by the face he pulled whenever he looked at Phil, he must think about him as more than a friend. Dan surprised himself with those kinds of thoughts. He had never wanted to admit anything like that but now it felt like lying not to. He obviously did not plan to say anything to Phil or anyone actually about it, he was simply happy to have made things clear in his head. Perhaps not exactly over the top delighted as this meant he was thinking through EVERYTHING Phil had ever done. That wasn’t relaxing for his mind. At all.
When Dan stumbled across edits of him and Phil “kissing” he knew he definitely went too far, so he decided to stop. He logged out of Tumblr, closed his laptop and walked to his room. He tried to stay as neutral as possible about the whole situation as possible but as soon as he spotted Phil’s room (which obviously had to happen sometime) he felt his heart beating faster and cursed himself for doing so.
When he was about to walk into his room ignoring the scream coming out of Phil’s room – only audible to his ears – something caught his eye and he turned around. Phil had placed the Blobfish under the duvets of his bed. This made him smile broadly. Phil liked the present Dan got him, pleasing someone is always great but pleasing Phil must be the best thing in the world. Dan looked into Phil’s room for a little while until he decided to grab his things and go to the train station. When he closed the door of the apartment behind him he sighed – for the thousands’ time. It really did feel weird and wrong leaving it – without Phil – to spend Christmas – without Phil.
As Dan was about to walk into the train station, he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. His first guess and probably hope was Phil but it turned out to be his mother. Dan answered the call and tried his best to stay polite even though he needed to end the call to get into his train on time. His mother only called to say that she really looked forward to spending Christmas together and to warn him that the internet was not only bad but far from working without problems. Dan groaned loudly when he heard that. Spending time without Phil and without the internet was horrible, even if it was only for three days.
When Dan finally managed to end the call politely he rushed into the station towards the platform his train was supposed to leave. As he saw that there was no train waiting he feared he might have missed it. Luckily it turned out that the train was on delay. Well, lucky for Dan as that meant he did not miss it but waiting twenty minutes felt truly cruel to Dan nevertheless. While standing with his bags on the platform he did the first thing that came to his mind, which was texting Phil. He took a picture of his bags, wrote “DELAY” in capitals and sent it to Phil. To get used to the no-internet situation at his parents’ house he used the simple messages to text Phil.
Phil was sitting comfortably in a seat in first class when he received the message from Dan. He unlocked his phone confused as he wasn’t someone who usually got many messages – apart from his fans on twitter of course – and started smiling when he saw that Dan had sent him something. He felt sorry for Dan that his train was delayed but that didn’t mean he couldn’t mock him. Phil quickly took a picture of the passing landscape outside the window, wrote “ON TIME” in capitals and sent it to Dan. He laughed quietly and waited a few moments before he got a reply from Dan. Dan had sent a picture as well but it was simply a screenshot of the one Phil had taken seconds before. It showed him in the reflection of the window. Phil hadn’t even noticed that you were able to see him in the picture. Dan had written “Turnip” underneath the picture with a laughing smiley. Phil rolled his eyes and switched the camera in his phone so that he could take a photo of himself. He squinted his eyes shut and poke his tongue out. Without a comment he pressed send.
“Pardon, Sir.” A woman said, standing right in front of Phil. He blushed, she surely saw him taking the weird selfie.
“Yes?” Phil asked embarrassedly still trying to keep his reputation.
“Would you like to drink some tea or coffee?” the woman, Phil recognized as the train’s waitress asked. She was visibly judging him, which Phil thought wasn’t exactly fair or polite.
“No thank you. I’m fine.” He said and blushed once more when the waitress nodded knowingly and left. Phil groaned and quickly told Dan what had happened. He added several sad smileys to his text but as he didn’t want to appear too depressed he added his favourite lion emoji as well.
“You should have known that would happen… you attract weird people.” Dan’s answer appeared on Phil’s phone. Phil sighed. Dan was right. Phil smiled and quickly took a photo from his wide opened eyes. After adding “I’m not weird.” To the picture, he sent it and waited impatiently for a reply. Once again Phil felt like an idiot for not being able to not rely on Dan for a few hours. Phil hadn’t much time to be angry with himself as two minutes later his phone vibrated once again. Phil opened the text and saw Dan’s chocolate brown eyes smiling at him. “Neither am I.” Dan had written underneath. Phil started smiling broadly. Dan’s eyes were beautiful. He had always thought they were. He sighed and took a selfie with him rising an eyebrow asking: “You sure?”
The conversation continued between the two, even after Dan’s train had arrived and he was sitting comfortably in his seat. Originally Dan had planned to spend his train ride with watching a film but “talking” with Phil via photos was far more entertaining than anything any film production could deliver him. A lot of photos were sent between the two of them including different shots of their eyes, hands, the landscape they were passing by, and their faces in general. Phil arrived a little earlier than Dan. He apologized that he had to get out of the train and therefore put his phone away. When Dan didn’t receive an answer everything became awfully real. He would spend Christmas without Phil. Before it had felt like they were sitting next to each other, as they were constantly talking but now reality struck Dan once again. He would spend Christmas alone, without Phil. Okay, he would have his family to keep him entertained but that didn’t change the fact that Phil was like 300 miles away from him.
“Do you think we could continue texting?” Dan asked Phil. While waiting for an answer he impatiently bit his lip both threatening and expecting an answer. He felt awkward asking but not doing so wouldn’t have done his troubled mind justice.
“SURE!” Phil answered with a picture of him smiling in the backseat of a car. Dan immediately started smiling as well. Because a picture of him smiling back would have been… weird he sent a picture of him lying face down on the table in front of him. Phil answered with a close-up of his fringe and they continued texting/sending photos to each other. Surprisingly this helped Dan to stop feeling sad better than anything could have done.
Just when Phil sent a picture of the door to the home of his parents Dan’s train stopped as well. He sighed deeply and got out of his seat, grabbed his thousand bags and walked onto the platform.
“Could have told us you were coming later.” His mother said looking both worried and annoyed.
“Oh crap. I didn’t text you? I thought I did.” Dan said apologetically and hugged his mum. He normally took care to keep public greetings short – especially when they involved body contact – but he wouldn’t make everything worse with not hugging his mother right now.
“I bet he had better things to do.” Adrian muttered, winking at Dan. Dan blushed and quickly hugged him to hide it from the rest of his family. He couldn’t possibly know what he had done on the train ride that had distracted him, could he?
“Well. Whatever it was I’m glad you are here now. Let’s get home and finish decorating the Christmas tree, it’s already mostly finished but well. Later my parents will come around, did I tell you? Your grandma wants you to accompany her to service this evening. She said it would be very likely for you not to be awake tomorrow morning.” His mother said and took a few bags from Dan.
“She might be right there.” Dan muttered and smiled.
“Heaven what is in here? What’s with all those presents?” she asked holding up the bag with Phil’s presents inside.
“Stuff.” Dan mumbled trying his very best not to turn into a tomato. Why did he have to blush this often when someone confronted him with things that had something to do with Phil?
Family Howell spoke about plans for the Christmas Day on their way home. Dan actually started feeling all giddy inside, at least as long as he didn’t remember that he wouldn’t spend Christmas with Phil, once again. Those reoccurring thoughts were a complete downer to his spirit.
“Christmas.” Dan sighed when he saw the wreath hanging on the outside. He quickly took a picture and sent it to Phil before joining his family inside.
“Daniel!” his father shouted and hugged him. He hadn’t accompanied the others to the train station. Judging by the fact that Dan had arrived late, he had done the right thing staying at home.
“Dad!” Dan said and smiled. He squeezed his dad as hard as he could until his mum pulled his sleeve to make him follow her into the lounge. She smiled broadly and Dan knew immediately that something was up. Nothing worrying, judging by the smile, but something was definitely up.
“Have a look at the Christmas tree now, will you?” she asked and winked at him. Dan groaned internally. There definitely was something up.
“You told me it was only partly finished. I would say it’s already finished…” Dan started but interrupted himself as he saw his face in the Christmas tree grinning stupidly back at him. “What the…?” he asked and spun around to his mother, who started laughing. He turned back to the Christmas tree and saw that it wasn’t only him but also Phil who looked at him from between the needles. “Seriously?” Dan asked. The piece of paper or improvised bauble was showing Dan and Phil with Christmas hats on. It has once been in a teen magazine for fans to cut out and hang into the Christmas tree as a super classy ornament. “Do you want me to sign it?” Dan asked tiredly before starting to laugh as well.
“It’s hilarious isn’t it? I planned to hang it up last year but I forgot. You should have seen your face!” his mother shouted and tears started forming in her eyes.
“Why thank you.” Dan said and went over to hug her. His mother was a weird woman but he loved her quirkiness.
“I thought you might miss him…” his mother whispered into his ear. Dan froze immediately. He still managed to smile a forced smile. Could it be that his mother had figured something out? Dan hoped that it was only coincidence and changed the topic so that they were talking about what had happened in December. Throughout the conversation Dan had to admit that the smiling Phil in the Christmas tree did his work as Dan did not miss Phil just as much when he got to see his face.

Up in the north Phil was occupied laying the table for dinner. He hadn’t heard anything from Dan for a while now. It didn’t worry him at all but he was a little sad nonetheless. He had been very happy when Dan had asked him if they wanted to continue texting. It reminded him a little of the old times where Dan had always been very shy and considerate about his words. Where he would be embarrassed to even ask something like that in fear of been mocked by Phil. Not that Phil would have ever done or ever will do anything like that.
When Phil had finished laying the table he took a photo and sent it to Dan with “Dinner!” attached to it. This time he only had to wait a couple of minutes before Dan answered. His heart started beating ridiculously fast when he opened Dan’s text. “Food is all you can think of, isn’t it?” Dan’s text said. “Nooo… maybe.” Phil replied and a huge smile broke free on his face.
“Who are you texting?” his dad suddenly asked him. Phil blushed but the smile stayed on his face.
“Dan.” Phil mumbled and rearranged the plates on the table, pretending to be occupied.
“Pity I didn’t see him for so long. Funny fella.” Phil’s dad shrugged and walked into the kitchen.
Phil followed him into the kitchen and asked: “When will Martyn come home? He will bring Cornelia, won’t he?”
“Sure. Tomorrow afternoon. They are with Cornelia’s parents right now.” His mother answered. Phil nodded and left the room again. He had felt his phone vibrating in his pocket and wanted to see what Dan had written. He didn’t know why he felt the urge to be alone when he opened the text but somehow it felt like a secret and he was more than happy keeping it from the noisy eyes of his mother.
Dan had sent a picture of his mother preparing a salad in the kitchen and added: “To be fair me 2.” Phil smiled. He really liked Dan’s family. And even missed them a little. That wasn’t anything he would be happy to confess anytime soon but deep down he knew it was true. “Greetings from Dad.” He wrote as a reply. “What’s with Martyn and your mother?” Dan replied with a picture of him poking out his tongue. Phil tried his best to ignore the weird feeling in the stomach and answered: “They haven’t said it specifically so I wanted to wait till they do. Btw Martyn isn’t here yet. They’ll come tomorrow, they are with Cornelia’s parents atm.”

Down in the south Dan behaved a little differently. He for one didn’t care about the glances Adrian shot towards him. He knew himself that he was smiling like an idiot whenever a new text or even better a picture from Phil arrived.
“Lucky fellas.” Dan replied and threw his phone across the room onto the sofa. Luckily it actually landed there, Dan wasn’t really known for good skills concerning throwing things.
“What the fuck?” Adrian shouted. Dan’s phone had landed right next to him. “Why are you behaving so weird? Is everything alright? Who have you been texting with?” Adrian asked and sounded pretty interested.
“Sorry. First of all: I’m not behaving weird. Secondly: Yes. And thirdly: If you need to know: Phil.” Dan answered.
“What?” Adrian asked confused.
“The answers to your questions.” Dan shrugged.
“You’re weird.” Adrian said and shook his head.
“I love you too.” Dan said and planked over Adrian.
“Stop that you weirdo.” Adrian said and tried to push him off but started laughing halfway through. Dan laughed as well and sat down next to him. It was really nice to have his brother around once again, even if that meant he wasn’t spending time with Phil.
“Have you send Phil a picture of you and him in the Christmas tree yet?” Adrian asked out of nowhere. Dan jumped a little at this.
“No I haven’t. Why do you think I send him pictures anyway?” Dan asked confused.
“Oh come on. One does not have to be Sherlock to figure that out.” Adrian said and winked at Dan.
“Phil and I are friends.” Dan stated.
“Thanks for clarifying.” Adrian said and winked again. Dan groaned and started poking and tickling Adrian.
“Oi, boys. Calm down. Your grandparents will be there soon. You want to behave, don’t you?” their mum interrupter their tickle fight.
“Yes.” Adrian answered.
“We’re not being raised on Downton are we?” Dan muttered and got up as the doorbell rang. Adrian chuckled behind him which caused him to start laughing as well. Dan’s mother shot a warning glance over her shoulder which caused Adrian and Dan to start laughing loudly.
“What are you, twelve?” Dan’s mother asked but she smiled as she shuffled their hairs.
After Dan had greeted his grandparents he went into his room to fetch the presents he had for them. They wouldn’t see each other the next day so he had to give the presents now. While he was at it he looked through the bag of presents Phil had bought for his family. Dan still couldn’t believe that he actually did it and he nearly started screaming when he saw that Phil had a present for each of his parents, his brother, his dog and his grandparents. He shook his head and blushed when he realised that he would have to tell the whole clan now that Phil had bought presents for them but he hadn’t returned the favour for Phil’s family. His mother would be very disappointed.
“Daniel, are you coming?” his grandma shouted.
“Yep. On my way!” he shouted. Before he would get to hand over the present he would attend the service in church as a favour to his grandmother. After promising that he was wearing enough layers to go out in the “cold” Dan and his grandmother left, leaving the rest of the family behind. No one, except for Colin the dog perhaps, had wanted to accompany them.
When Dan got out his phone to put it on mute for the service his grandmother asked him to take a picture with it. “What kind of picture. One of you?” Dan asked amused.
“Yes. Or maybe one of us together?” she asked and smiled.
“Sure.” Dan said and smiled brightly as he took a selfie. He had to bend down a little so that he could rest his chin on his grandmother’s shoulder but it was a nice picture nevertheless.
“Can you send it to me?” his grandmother asked.
“Sure. I’ll do it now.” Dan said. He quickly sent the picture to Phil as well, describing it with “church”. Phil hadn’t yet answered to his text from earlier but Dan thought he might de-tense the situation with this picture. He felt like he had crossed something like a line. He shouldn’t have told Phil (even if he didn’t directly) that he wished to be with him. He really shouldn’t have.
When Dan finished muting the phone he took his grandmother’s arm and walked on with her, listening to all the news she had to tell him. Luckily she spared interrogating him about Phil.

Phil was lying on the sofa when he looked at his phone again. He had neither read the text Dan had send nor had he seen the photo of him and his grandmother. When he saw them both now he started smiling immediately. First of all he wondered if he could interpret into Dan’s words that he would want to be with him right now. That was obviously rubbish so he simply concentrated on how beautiful his friend looked in the picture. It actually should have been a crime. Phil thought about sending “I’m not sure if church is the right place when you look like that.” But he didn’t do it. There was no need to press any feelings onto Dan he surely wouldn’t want to know about. Well feelings… Phil simply didn’t want to confuse matters by telling Dan how beautiful he thought he was. Even if that was more than right and would perhaps even make Dan smile, Phil wasn’t ready to say something like THAT just yet and especially not via phone.
Instead of writing anything “complicated” Phil simply took a photo of his feet writing “sofa”. He put his phone onto his chest and nearly started screaming when the notification went off right away. He unlocked the phone and saw that Dan had already replied. “The weather-forecast-man looks just like you.” Dan had sent a picture of the television with a red-haired woman forecasting the weather. Phil started laughing and replied: “Apart from that you just scared the fluff out of me… it pains to tell you that the weather-forecast-man is in fact a woman who does not look like me at all!”
“Why did I scare you? Yes. She looks like you.” Dan’s answer came within seconds.
“I thought you were in church and didn’t expect an answer. I take that as a compliment.” Phil answered and blushed a little bit. It was true, for him it was a compliment. Perhaps not that he apparently looked like a woman in television but that Dan had thought at him when he saw someone doing Phil’s dream job.
“Turnip… You should!” Phil’s blush got even deeper when he read Dan’s text.
“What are you doing right now? We are simply lying here…” Phil texted. He wanted to change the subject as quickly and smoothly as possible because otherwise he probably couldn’t stop himself from telling Dan how beautiful he thought he was.
“The other ones are talking. I simply enjoy being here with my family. I have to stop Colin from eating my socks tho.” Dan answered. Phil smiled sadly. Dan was happy to be with his family. He should have known that and he most certainly shouldn’t feel sad now. Perhaps Dan actually missed but simply couldn’t say it, like he couldn’t. Phil stopped breathing when he realised that he actually already missed Dan. That was more than ridiculous as they saw each other for the last time something like six hours ago. In the end Phil decided not to care too much about the words Dan used. Instead he quickly replied with “Colin is my hero.”

“Your hero is eating other people’s socks?” Dan answered Phil. Texting with him was a lot of fun. They never usually texted this much together, which was only natural as they were around each other most of the time. Deep down Dan had already realised how much he missed Phil but there was no need to admit that yet and in the time where he couldn’t be with him he could at least be happy about the texting.
“If you are phrasing it like that it does sound weird.” Phil answered which caused Dan to smile.
“What were you going for then? ‘my hero is constantly bothering dan’?!” Dan asked and sent Phil a picture of Colin actually nibbling at his feet.
“Shame on you!” Dan whispered before stroking Colin’s head.
“That’s more like it!” Phil wrote which made Dan smile like a fool once again.
A few moments later Dan’s phone announced another new message from Phil. He opened the picture and saw the Blobfish he had given Phil for Christmas.
“Thanks?” Dan wrote confused.
“Sorry. I was just checking the picture we uploaded on twitter and insta. They all seem to like them as well.” Phil explained. For Dan that was still no reason why Phil had sent him the picture but he decided to ignore it. It would only offend Phil if he would tell him that his grandmother knew how to handle a phone better than Phil could.
“They do. And so do I! I actually threw my phone across the room and it did not break! GO SPARKLY PHONE CASE!” Dan wrote proudly.
“Well done me.” Phil answered. Dan wanted to answer something as well but he was called to the table. His family wanted to play games with him. He agreed. Simply because he knew that there was no way he could escape. To be fair he enjoyed playing with his family, especially when his grandparents were around. They would always misread the things which lead to a lot of funny attempts of riddling out a word which wasn’t even demanded.
The evening took a very long time to come to an end. Dan wasn’t mad about it at all. He was even a little sad when his grandparents stood up to go home. He really wanted them to stay so that they could all have a chat once again. Luckily Dan remembered that he still had to give them their presents so he had an excuse to urge them to sit down once more.
“Well. Okay. I have some presents for you. Two actually.” Dan said awkwardly while holding them up.
“You shouldn’t have.” His grandmother said.
“I just bought one. The other one is from… Well. What shall I say? Phil got you a present as well.” Dan mumbled and quickly handed them over.
“Phil? That is so very kind. Why did he do that?” his grandfather asked slowly starting to open Dan’s present. Dan tried his very best to ignore Adrian’s knowing glance. Before his younger brother got to say anything Dan cleared his throat to quickly say… anything actually.
“I have no idea. I guess he is simply a really lovely person.” Dan said and shrugged.
“That he is.” His grandmother agreed.
“Thank you, Daniel!” his grandfather said and smiled when he handed it over to his wife so that she could have a look as well. Dan was really relieved that the present pleased his grandparents. It was a handmade socket for a teapot which looked like a London bus. He obviously didn’t do it himself, he ordered it online. Still he picked it so it was alright if he was a little proud, wasn’t it?
“That’s very handy. Thank you. I’m afraid you can’t unwrap your present now because Father Christmas still has it.” His grandmother said and winked at him. It was lovely how she still pretended that Dan did not know that there was no such thing as Santa.
“Oh, I understand that.” Dan said and waited impatiently for them to unwrap Phil’s present. His grandfather seemed to understand him because he slowly started unwrapping the present. First of all a letter fell out. His grandmother grabbed it quickly and opened it.
“Merry Christmas! I heard Dan talking about you loving China in all sorts so I knew I had to get you this when I came across it in a shop. Best wishes Phil.” Dan’s grandmother read out loud. Dan couldn’t help but think that that was enormously cute. He tried to forget what just sprang to his mind but the thought kept nagging at his consciousness.
Dan’s grandfather finished unwrapping and held a small bowl with a lid on top. It looked like some delicate China, Dan could tell even if he had no idea about China actually.
“That is very cute! Look at all the English flowers printed on the bowl and the small lid. Oh that is just adorable. I wish I could cuddle him, you do that for me, will you?” Dan’s grandmother asked gazing onto her present. Dan nodded. Somehow he was really happy that his grandmother suggested hugging Phil. First of all he had something to look forward to and most importantly he had an actual proper excuse to hug Phil when he got home.
“That is very kind of Phil. Tell him our best wishes.” Dan’s grandfather said.
“I will.” Dan said and smiled. After a few minutes of silent smiles his grandfather cleared his throat and stood up.
“We better get going now. Thank you for the great evening. We will see each other again soon. Have a nice Christmas.” By the time his grandfather had finished his wife was already standing as well. The rest of the family followed into the hallway and wished them a save journey home.
When the front door was closed again Dan’s parents started yawning. Dan was a little tired as well but his body wasn’t used to going to bed on the same day he woke up. That meant he usually stayed up until at least 1 o’clock in the morning, it being half past eleven was definitely considerably early.
“You going to bed yet?” Dan asked Adrian.
“Nope.” Adrian said and yawned. Dan smiled and they made their way back into the living room.
“What shall we do?” Dan asked as he sat down on the sofa.
“I dunno. I was just going to lie here watching something on telly. You could join me or you could text Phil.” Adrian said and shot a knowing glance over to Dan. Dan blushed and pushed his phone back into his pocket he had just been about to get it out.
“How do you know I was texting Phil?” Dan asked, trying to hide his embarrassment.
“Didn’t you tell me? Well, I could have figured it out anyways.” Adrian said and shrugged.
“How?”
“With your smile? You smile like an idiot every time your phone goes off. You smile like that whenever you talk about Phil. Anyone could figure out with whom you were texting.” Adrian explained matter-of-factly.
“Really?” Dan asked with red cheeks.
“Yes. Obviously.” Adrian said but his voice was soft. “How does it feel like to be in love?” he asked quietly. It was obvious that Adrian had to put all his courage together to ask that question.
“What?” Dan asked short-breathed. He felt sorry for being so bluntly about something Adrian thought important but this was also about the safety of his mind, wasn’t it?
“Oh come on!” Adrian groaned frustrated.
“What?” Dan asked embarrassedly. He sort of knew what Adrian was on about but admitting that would have been his sure death.
“You stop pretending you don’t know what I talk about right now.” Adrian said seriously.
“Believe me, I don’t know what you are talking about.” Dan lied. Adrian raised his eyebrow and Dan sighed. “Okay, alright. Perhaps I can guess what you are talking about.”
“That’s a little better. But you are actually trying to make me believe that you didn’t notice that you have a crush on Phil?” Adrian asked. They both stopped concentrating on the television completely.
“Oh don’t say “crush” that sounds horrible!”
“Alright… that you are in love with Phil?” Adrian corrected himself.
“What? Okay, sorry. I don’t know. I mean. I only realised yesterday or well, this morning at around 2 o’clock that I might have, I don’t know… feelings for Phil.”
“How on earth did you not notice? Don’t you have any mirrors in London?” Adrian asked and shook his head.
“Is it really that obvious?” Dan asked. This wasn’t good.
“It is for me. All those love stuck people described in books resemble you in every detail to say the least.” Adrian stated and smiled cheekily. He definitely enjoyed torturing Dan.
“Oh bother.”
“As bad as that you are impersonating Winnie?” Adrian asked and raised an eyebrow.
“Shut it.” Dan said and groaned.
“Well, look. I don’t think you should feel this way about being in love. Judging by your smile it is a rather amazing feeling. You should definitely concentrate on that bit.” Adrian said.
“How should I know it’s an amazing feeling if I hadn’t even noticed it yet?” Dan asked miserably. He silently admired Adrian for being this clever.
“Stop it. I know that Phil does not deserve that kind of behaviour.”
“You’re right. Of course you are but well. I’m only being like this because I think that realising that nasty feeling has to be the end of mine and Phil’s friendship.” Dan said sadly.
“’Nasty feeling’? Are you alright?” Adrian asked, he sounded offended. Just as if he was Doctor Love in person.
“No. I’m not.” Dan groaned. Adrian shook his head and was about to say something as Dan’s phone buzzed. He tore it out of his pocket immediately and felt a smile creeping onto his face when he saw that he got a message from Phil.
“That does not look like a ‘nasty feeling’ to me.” Adrian muttered mostly to himself and concentrated on the television, leaving Dan alone.
Dan’s smile grew even wider when he saw that it wasn’t just a text he had gotten from Phil but a selfie. A selfie of him lying in his bed, with glasses on, squinting shut his eyes and smiling broadly. Dan’s heart started beating faster and he knew Adrian was right. That definitely wasn’t a ‘nasty feeling’ he was experiencing right now. He was more grateful for knowing Phil than anything in that moment where he was looking at the photo. Dan decided to send back a picture but not of himself. If Adrian was right one could see that Dan was in love. Instead he decided to take a picture of Adrian watching telly. He wrote “YOUTH” in capitals and sent it not paying too close attention to his fast beating heart.
Dan and Phil continued texting each other like they did all day. They eventually had to stop when Phil fell asleep at around half past one in the morning. At that time Dan was already lying in bed as well.

The next morning Phil was not happy when he realised he had fallen asleep on asking Dan a question. He felt bad for doing so. Phil quickly grabbed his phone and saw that he had two new messages from Dan. One was the answer to his question and the other one said: “You sleepy hat! Never mind. I can bear being neglected at night.” Phil smiled sadly. He knew Dan wasn’t being completely serious but he felt bad nevertheless. It definitely was rude to simply falling asleep in a conversation. Phil quickly tipped “SORRY!” and sent it before taking a picture of himself, smiling broadly wishing Dan a very merry Christmas. After he had sent it he waited a few moments before he reasoned that Dan was probably still asleep. Phil got up and made his way downstairs. He heard his mother laying the table in the living room and got immediately excited. He would get to unwrap presents in a second now. That was always very much fun.
“Christmas!” Phil shouted excited as he walked into the room.
“Heaven above!” his mother answered and laughed.
“No mum. Jesus came down to earth. That’s what we are celebrating today. That God has come down! And not stayed in ‘Heaven above’ as you put it.”
“I beg your pardon?” His mother answered and shook her head.
“As it’s Christmas I shall grant you that pleasure.” Phil said and bowed his head.
“I thank you very much, son.” His mother said and hit him on the fingers as he was about to grab his first present.
“What?” Phil asked hurt.
“We wait till Martyn and Cornelia arrive before we open our presents.”
“No we won’t?” Phil pouted.
“Yes we will.”
“Mum!” Phil complained but he already obeyed and sat down at the table. “When will that be exactly? You can’t keep me waiting all day. Santa will notice!”
“They should arrive any second actually.” His mother said as his father walked into the room. Just when he settled down as well the doorbell rang and Phil jumped up. He was excited to see his brother but then he also wanted to start unwrapping his presents.
“Martyn! Merry Christmas!” Phil shouted and hugged him.
“Same to you!” Martyn said. After hugging Cornelia as well Phil urged them to go inside.
“Phil wants to unwrap his presents!” his mother said.
“That explains a lot.” Martyn said and hugged his mother.
“Please?” Phil begged. He did not really care that he was behaving ridiculously. It was only his family after all. They already knew him like this.
Everyone laughed and walked into the living room. After shooting his mother a pleading glance and receiving a nod Phil hurried towards the Christmas tree and started reading tags. He finally found one with his name on top and took it with him to the sofa.
“Phil? What got into you? We always open our stockings first?” Martyn scolded and threw a huge sock into his lap.
“Oh lord. Yes. Of course.” Phil said and quickly dived into the bag full of presents.
There had been a lot of highlights along with some very nice presents which managed to make Christmas as perfect as possible. One of the presents Phil unwrapped was floss. Yes. Actual floss to clean his teeth. To keep things fair, Martyn had received toothpaste in his stocking.
“Why did you get me floss?” Phil asked his mother, raising an eyebrow. He was confused and turned it around in his hands, checking if he missed a clue.
“I didn’t get it. Santa did and well… I assume he must have read your book?”
“My book?”
“Yes.” His mother said. She started laughing uncontrollably. After a while Martyn said: “AH!” and started laughing. He quickly got a copy of TABINOF, which was lying on the coffee table, rather convenient as Phil’s mum could easily show off her son whenever she had guests over. Martyn flipped through the pages and opened it on the page of Dan and Phil’s “brainfarts”. There it was. Phil had said precisely that he hoped not to receive any floss from Santa. His mother must have read it and thought to herself that it would be totally hilarious to… well you get the drift. When Phil finally understood the joke he joined laughing and couldn’t stop for a long time.
“Thanks for all the presents!” Phil said and hugged his knees to his chest. “By the way I’m supposed to wish all of you a very merry Christmas from Dan.” Phil said and pretended not to blush.
“Thank you. Well thank him.” His mother said and got up only to sit down at the table again. Phil nodded and hugged his knees even tighter. He missed Dan quite a lot. More than the others could guess. Phil sighed silently. Dan had become a huge part of his life. That was for sure. He was not sure though when that had happened. He had always valued Dan’s company and opinion a lot but it seemed like that Dan’s place in Phil’s heart grew bigger and bigger. The only problem was that Phil started to wonder if that place he granted Dan wasn’t in fact too big. What if he was to ever meet the one - would he be able to leave Dan? Phil got really cold inside when he thought about it. He wouldn’t want to leave Dan. Neither did he want to think about leaving him. Especially not since it was Christmas!
Phil quickly stood up and sat down with the other ones. While he was putting some scrabbled egg onto his plate he thought about Dan and his family. He wondered if they already managed to make him get up and unwrap his presents. Phil laughed silently when he remembered that Dan could surprise him on his birthday with being up fairly early, eager to unwrap his presents. He would surely be awake by now. When he thought that he wondered if he had found his present yet. He had already given Dan the phone case but he had put something in the bag full of presents for him as well. Later, when he had finished with breakfast he would text Dan asking how Christmas morning has been for him, then he would see if Dan had already found the present and what he thought about it.

Dan was woken up by his phone buzzing on his chest. Far too early in the morning Phil had sent him a selfie. A selfie which made all the organs in Dan’s body pretend to be on a rollercoaster. Phil’s smile was contagious so that even the very sleepy Dan smiled back. Well he did until he remembered what Adrian said about his stupid smile whenever he was texting/thinking about Phil. He tried his best to stop smiling and got up. On the stairs he bumped into Adrian who wished him a merry Christmas.
“Phil already texted you I see?” he asked and winked. Dan pushed Adrian down the last few steps and they made their way into the living room.
“Santa has been here!” Dan shouted and faked an excited voice.
“He has.”
“Oh I nearly forgot he had been in my room this night.”
“TMI, Dan.” Adrian said and started laughing at the sight of Dan’s disgusted face.
“Shut it. I will get a few presents. Wait for me!” he called. On the way back up he ran into his parents.
“You are never up this early!” his mother complained. Dan had surprised her quite a lot. Dan simply hugged her and planted a kiss on her cheek.
“It’s Christmas mummy! Of course I’m up already. Wait with the unpacking till I’m back!” he called and raced into his room. He quickly grabbed both his presents and the presents Phil had got for his family. He ran back downstairs again and jumped onto the sofa.
“Okay. As you might have guessed while I was handing granny and grandpa the present Phil got them that you will get some as well. And here they are.” Dan said festively and made a round through the living room handing over both his and Phil’s presents. Making a huge deal of it was somewhat easier for Dan as he wasn’t too embarrassed about the whole story now. When he reached Adrian, his brother whispered: “You so nervous about it that you hold a speech?” Dan blushed and gently nudged Adrian whispering: “Shut it.” How was it possible that Adrian knew him this well?
Dan smiled widely when he saw what Phil had gotten his family. His father got a funny looking tie, he would have a look at it soon when no one was looking, preferably when Adrian was concentrating onto something else. Dan’s mother got a scarf which was covered in penguins. Dan blushed when he saw it. He never imagined Phil would remember that he had once told him about his mother being obsessed with penguins. The last one to unwrap a present from Phil was Adrian. Dan knew immediately that Phil had found a perfect present for him. It was a set of tools for his camera. Adrian was kind of obsessed with taking pictures with his phone. He did not like big cameras but loved snapping away. The only thing that bothered Dan about it was that Adrian had no platform were he could show off his talent because his internet life had been kind of ruined by the fact that he was Dan’s brother.
After Dan had unwrapped the present Phil got for Colin – a Santa dog toy – he sat down on the sofa again starting to unwrap his presents. They were all nice and included socks from his grandparents for example. Funny enough the socks he got were either in a really weird pattern or covered with animals. Was it only him or did the socks scream Phil? Dan laughed and examined the socks further. He suddenly spotted a small piece of paper saying: “We wouldn’t mind if you’d share these.” Okay. Dan was sure his grandparents couldn’t possibly know anything about Phil’s weird behaviour with socks. He was sure he never actually mentioned any of this to his grandparents. They must have guessed it or his mum had said something. Dan wasn’t sure what to think about that so he simply stopped. There was no need to ruin Christmas with complicated thoughts. Dan was about to put the card away but then he turned it around and saw that there was something else written on it: “We have read your book and your sock drawer was not colourful enough. Phil’s was so please share these. Love” Dan blushed and shoved the card into his pocket.
Dan looked around the room. There was a mess. Like always. A lot of wrapping paper was lying around and Colin wasn’t helping either with walking through the mess, obviously to anyone but him that he was making matters worse. Dan shook his head and walked over to Colin.
“Hey there you little troublemaker.” Dan said and lifted Colin against his chest. In return Colin started licking his face. Dan started laughing and carried Colin back to the sofa to use him as a blanket. The rest of the day was very calm with the Howells. When it got dark they eventually started playing games on their Wii all together but apart from that they were either eating or napping. Not that either of them minded. Christmas has always been a little like this. They were very exhausted, each of them so simply lying next to each other on their sofas occasionally talking was the best way any of them could picture Christmas to be.
After playing for a couple of hours Dan sat down exhaustedly and decided to have a look on his phone. There was a new message from Phil, just like he hoped there would be. He opened it hastily. It said: “Did you like your present?” Dan frowned and answered: “Yes, they were all lovely.” He had no idea if Phil was referring to one in particular so he just kept it general.
“Texting Phil, are we?” Adrian asked with a knowing smile.
“And if I was?” Dan asked back.
“Oh. That would simply explain the smile on your face.” Adrian said casually. Dan blushed and pretended to look for something on his phone.
“What did he get you then? I haven’t seen you unwrapping something.” Adrian asked carefully.
“Oh, we exchanged presents back at home. He got me a lovely phone case. You could have seen that on twitter.” Dan said and smiled.
“Sorry to crash your dreams but I’m not spending my free time stalking my brother on social media.” Adrian stated and smiled.
“You sure about that?” Dan asked. Adrian started laughing and they stood back up to join playing the Wii once again. While Dan was doing so he wondered what Phil was doing at the moment and what he had wanted to ask with the text.

At the exact same moment where Dan was playing Wii with his family Phil was playing Pictionary with his family. They were all laughing very hard whenever someone guessed into a completely wrong direction. They had so much fun that they decided to play a second round after having dinner. While everyone else was helping to lay the table Phil excused himself, went to his room and checked his phone. He had texted Dan earlier and was now waiting for an answer. Phil was pretty impatient doing so because he had waited for about two months to reveal the surprise to Dan.
Phil unlocked his phone and saw that Dan had sent him a text. He eagerly opened it and read it: “Yes, they were all lovely.” was everything. Phil frowned and sent a text asking: “So you have unwrapped everything already?” He wanted to wait for an answer but his mother called him downstairs. He obeyed but pushed his phone in his pocket. He really wanted to know what Dan thought about his second present.
Phil had to wait the whole dinner until his phone buzzed and announced a new message from Dan. He opened it quickly and saw: “Of course. What are you doing rn?” Phil frowned once again. So Dan did not like his present. Phil suddenly felt really sad. He had been so excited to be able to buy Muse tickets and now Dan didn’t even like them. Phil sighed and decided to enjoy the evening with his family. He quickly took a picture of the dinner table send it to Dan with “Dinner.” Attached and walked into the kitchen to help his mother. After they had finished everyone sat down on the sofas and started playing Pictionary once again. Phil managed to forget about Dan and to enjoy the precious time with his family.

Dan on the other hand could not forget about Phil. To be fair he didn’t try but still. Phil was flying around his head the whole time while he was playing, lying on the sofa or eating. After that weird picture he had received from Phil it took a couple of hours before Dan heard from Phil again. That was not via text though but via twitter.
Dan was confused when his notification went off, not announcing a new text from Phil but a twitter post. He wasn’t confused that Phil had tweeted something but that it was a picture and that he hadn’t sent it to him first. He obviously did not have to but Dan felt a little left out, especially when he saw that the picture was something Phil had drawn for the game Pictionary. That meant Phil had a lot of fun at the moment. Great. Dan felt sad suddenly and without thinking better of it he texted Phil, asking: “Why would you post it to twitter first?” This time he didn’t have to wait long for an answer. It came almost immediately: “Sorry. I didn’t think you would care.” Dan had to read it multiple times. It did not feel like Phil at all. He usually never said something like that. Dan knew that he must have done something pretty bad to deserve treatment like that. It obviously must have been him as Phil never did something wrong.
Dan had to swallow away a lump that had formed in his throat and quickly texted back, trying to choose his words wisely: “Sorry. I would have liked to but I’m not telling you what to do. Still playing the game?” Dan’s heart pounded hard as he texted that. He really did not want Phil to be angry with him. He wanted to apologize but as he didn’t know what for - apart from being himself once again, he simply tried to be as nice as possible.

“Yes we are.” Phil texted back and attached a picture of the game board. He felt a little sorry for his harsh words but he mostly did not know how to feel about Dan’s behaviour.
Phil was confused when Dan did not seem to care about the tickets but yet again cared quite a lot as Phil had dared to tweet something without asking him beforehand. As being rude never was the way to solve anything Phil tried his best to stay friendly in his texts. He did not have to try too hard, though. He could never be seriously mad at Dan, not for long and not if he thought about losing him eventually when he was being too mean.
That was why against his better judgement, Phil’s heart started beating ridiculously fast when he opened a text from Dan the next morning saying: “I miss you.” Phil nearly forgot about the dilemma concerning the tickets but only nearly. Phil sighed. Dan confused him constantly, perhaps unintentionally but yet again he did and Phil was not sure how to feel about it.
In one day he would be reunited with Dan. He was already looking forward to it even though he was a little scared if the whole thing with the tickets could somehow backfire. Phil quickly pushed these thoughts away took a picture with only his eyes piercing out under his duvet saying: “Miss you too.” and sent it before getting up. He would have felt a little awkward doing so if it wouldn’t have been for Dan.
Thankfully for the rest of the day their conversation felt normal again. Phil managed to push any thoughts of losing Dan (because he did not like his present) out of his mind.

Around lunch Dan announced that he had to take a selfie for his social media, to satisfy his followers.
“What’s keeping you from doing it?” Phil asked Dan. Dan sighed. He really wanted to text back that he looked ridiculous on every selfie he had taken in the last couple of minutes but he didn’t do it. He knew Phil hated it when he was insecure about himself. Dan took another selfie and groaned. He looked ridiculous.
“What the heck is wrong with you?” Adrian asked annoyed he had already seen Dan attempting to take a good selfie for at least ten minutes now and groaning loudly whenever he looked at his attempts.
“I can’t take a picture without looking dumb.”
“And that’s news to you?” Adrian asked. Dan threw a pillow at him, which made him loose his support for his head. Luckily Colin walked over to him, lied down and let him rest his head on his back. “Whatever.” Adrian muttered. Dan shook his head and closed his eyes for a second. He felt Colin breathing underneath him, which made him smile. Phil would love to have a dog. Dan opened his eyes, held up his phone and took a selfie smiling ever so slightly. In the exact same moment Colin had looked up as well, which made the picture even more perfect. Dan sent it to Phil saying: “Dog pillow.” It was meant to be a joke and simply entertain Phil.
“That is it.” Phil texted back. “What?” Dan asked back in confusion. “Use that photo for social media.” Phil’s answer said. “You sure?” “Yes.” “I look stupid.” “Believe me if you look like anything you look the opposite of stupid.” Phil’s answer made Dan blush. “So you are sure?” he asked one more time. “I am and if you don’t upload it, I will. I know all your passwords.” Phil texted. Dan started laughing which caused Adrian to look up.
“What is it?” he asked.
“Nothing.” Dan said and quickly opened Instagram to post his picture. Without him noticing it, Adrian had appeared next to Dan.
“I knew you would look less weird if you thought about Phil. Seems like you did not even need my advice this time.” Adrian said.
“Crap. Is it so obvious that I was thinking about Phil?”
“I have no idea how many times you have asked me that question now. All I can say that for me it is pretty obvious but if Phil hasn’t noticed before he might not notice now. By the way I still don’t get why you are so afraid of him noticing.”
“Well.” Dan started but Adrian interrupted him: “I don’t want to hear your weird excuses. Just do your thing but remember that I have told you that there is no need to hide emotions.”
“Philosophical…” Dan muttered. Adrian laughed and got up once again.

For the rest of the day neither Dan nor Phil did anything interesting with their families. Everyone was always very tired on Boxing Day so there was no need to stress anyone out with “fun activities”. Instead Dan and Phil simply continued texting each other. A few times Dan was about to ask Phil something along the lines if he had ever thought about “Phan” but he decided not to. First of all if he was ever about to ruin their friendship he would surely not do that with a text but in person and surely not one day after Christmas.

On the evening of Boxing Day both Dan and Phil started packing all their things together. Dan was a little sad to leave his family once again but he was very excited to be going home nevertheless. Home was where Phil was, something Dan knew but would probably never be able to tell Phil.
Phil was excited to go back to his and Dan’s flat as well even if he would miss Martyn quite a lot. He had to make sure to invite him over pretty soon.
Whereas Phil went to bed pretty early to catch up with his ruined sleep schedule he had developed in December, Dan stayed awake until two o’clock in the morning. That wasn’t too bad considering the fact that he often stayed awake until 4 o’clock in London but it was stupid nevertheless as he had to catch a train at 9 o’clock the next morning.

When his mother woke Dan up at 7 o’clock the next morning he regretted staying up so late. Nothing could wake Dan up. He was walking around like a zombie the whole two hours until he had to get to the train station. When he reached it he noticed horrified that his phone wasn’t charged. He had 11% left. Not at all enough for a whole train journey back home. He sighed and said goodbye to his family.
“You forgot this.” Adrian said and handed him the bag Dan had transported Phil’s presents with.
“Thanks.” Dan mumbled and hugged Adrian quickly before getting into the train. Even though he got a little annoyed with his constant reminders that Dan was in love with Phil, he had always been right and he had even helped him a lot. Dan tried his best to put all those emotions into the hug, failed miserably as he started yawning.
“Have a safe journey!” his mother called and smiled. Dan smiled back. He felt sorry that he hadn’t enjoyed his stay with his family more. They were the most important people in the world to him – next to Phil – and he hadn’t managed to show them how much he valued them being around.
Dan sat down on a seat next to the window and put the bags on a seat next to him. Suddenly he heard someone saying his name. A girl was standing there, smiling at him. He immediately smiled back and eagerly answered her questions. It was always nice to meet people from his audience. Due to the fact that he and Phil rarely ever left their home encounters like this happen the opposite of regularly so it was very nice having a face to the audience every now and then. After taking a picture with the girl Dan was left alone once again. He unlocked his phone and wasted his precious amount of percentage of battery left on looking through tumblr. When his phone died he had nothing left to keep him entertained. He sighed and organised all his bags so that it would be easier for him to grab them on his way out. While he was doing so he suddenly felt something inside the bag of Phil.
Dan frowned and took the something out and saw that it was an envelope. Dan’s heart started beating faster when he saw his name written on it, in Phil’s hand writing. Dan teared open the envelope and was greeted with a small note saying: “Dear Dan, I got you something else for Christmas. It is a little selfish but I hope you will like it. Merry Christmas, Phil” Dan’s heart started to hurt it was beating that fast. Dan teared open the envelope a little more and saw two tickets. He gasped when he saw that those were muse tickets. To his very embarrassment, tears started forming in his eyes. Phil had gotten him tickets for muse. Well he had gotten them tickets for muse but in Dan’s opinion that was even better. That would mean that Dan got to spend an amazing evening with Phil and their favourite band.
Dan’s hands started shaking when he put the tickets back into the envelope. He suddenly realised that there was no way he could tell Phil that he had found his present just now. Why did the stupid phone die just then? Dan was furious and the worst was that he couldn’t do anything about it. For the rest of the journey Dan tried to stay calm and patient. There was no escaping the bad thoughts he kept having for only finding his present just now.
That was why Dan grabbed his bags and raced out of the train the second it arrived in London. Only when he smelled the “fresh” London air when he stood outside the train station he realised that he was first of all not fit enough to run all the way back home and secondly Phil wouldn’t even be there yet. When Dan finally reached his home he walked up all the flies of stairs and immediately plugged his phone into the charger. Once it woke up again he was about to send Phil a message but he thought better of it. He would see him in about an hour, after all this time in the train Dan would be able to wait for a little while longer.

Dan was already home, making himself a bowl of cereal when Phil was still sitting in the train on his way to London. The nearer he got the more insecure he grew. Texting with Dan over the last couple of days had felt like being sent all the way back to 2009 once again. In a way it was nice but it also made Phil transform into the younger and more insecure version of him.
An hour later Phil’s train arrived in London. When Phil stepped out of the train he was almost surprised to not see Dan waiting for him. He shook his head and reminded himself that this wasn’t 2009 and that Dan was probably simply sitting on their sofa back home. Somehow this thought made Phil smile. Simply knowing that Dan was home and that he was in fact sharing a home with him made Phil realise how lucky he was. As fast as he could with his entire luggage Phil walked home and climbed the stairs leading to their flat. He took a deep breath and unlocked the door. He carried the bags up the stairs and was about to shout out to Dan to say that he was back when the later ran into him, flinging his arms around Phil.
“Hey.” Phil said softly and took the opportunity to squeeze Dan. He had never imagined their hello to go like this. But he was really happy nonetheless. This was more than he could have wished for and it gave him a little spark of hope that he was not in fact losing Dan.

“Hey.” Dan breathed. He felt a little shy (just like he did 2009), having ran into Phil like this but his strong arms around him made it all worth it. Dan was about to tell Phil how much he had missed him but in that moment Phil squeezed Dan which quite literally made all the air in his body disappear, in the best way possible, obviously. Dan snuggled into Phil a little before he noticed what he was doing. He was on the best way to actually ruin their friendship with not being able to keep his feelings for himself. He loosened his grip immediately, mumbled “Thanks for the ticket.” and ran into his room. He sat down on his bed and tried to congratulate him on his escape. It was not easy though, especially not when his skin kept tingling all over, reminding him of Phil’s embrace.

Phil was still standing in the hallway a couple of minutes after Dan had run away. He was confused, once again. First of all it had felt like everything was going to be good, perhaps even better than good but now after Dan had left oh so suddenly Phil wasn’t too sure about the situation after all.
Phil sighed and carried his luggage into his room, quietly drank a glass of water, gathering all his courage before knocking on Dan’s door. It had been enough torture to always wait for an answer and not being sure whether the answer would actually satisfy him. As it was Phil thought himself of being no longer capable of waiting any time longer.
Phil did not wait for an answer – as he was sure Dan would say no – and walked in straight away. He saw that Dan was snuggled up in his bed, facing the wall.
“Dan?” Phil asked and sat down on the edge of his bed. He did not dare to get closer or actually touch Dan but he needed to make sure that Dan wasn’t feeling bad. “Is everything alright?” Phil asked.

Dan was about to moan. It was not fair that Phil was being so nice once again. It would all be easier if he could be angry with him for once. Like he had been angry with him when Dan had questioned his twitter post. Why couldn’t Phil shout at him for simply running into him and being such a wuss about thanking him for the overly generous Christmas present?
“Yeah.” Dan mumbled eventually.
“Really?” Phil asked and Dan kept quiet.
“Dan. We can talk about it. Even though I’m not quite sure what it is you apparently need to talk about so urgently. Perhaps I can help you. If you… Well. I was about to say if you want but I’m convinced you have to get something off your chest. So would you be so kind to tell me?” Phil asked, he was a little nervous about what Dan was about to say. He had no idea what it was but something that made Dan like this could not be too good for anyone.
“It’s just… I don’t know exactly. Everything kind of.” Dan mumbled.
“Dan. Just start wherever you want, but start.” Phil insisted. He shuffled a micrometre closer to Dan.
“It’s not that easy!” Dan spit. Phil backed away a little once again which made Dan feel sorry immediately. He wanted to apologize but he was lost of words.
It was Phil and not Dan who started speaking first: “I was trying to help.”
Dan took a deep breath. There was no way everything could go more wrong than it was already, not even if Dan told Phil everything. If Phil was sad right now because Dan wasn’t talking to him it would be best to tell him everything. Even if Phil would be mad when Dan had finished he could always say that he had urged him to tell everything. That would not guarantee that their friendship would survive but it was worth a try. Everything was worth a try at the moment. Everything was better than having Phil worry about Dan.
“I’m sorry, Phil. I will tell you. I will. But. It’s hard. And I’m scared. And I’m making everything worse right now.” Dan sighed and slowly turned around to face Phil. “Okay, I will give my best to give my story a structure but I can’t promise anything. First of all thank you so much for the tickets.” Dan repeated as it felt like a good start to his confession. Dan even managed to smile.
“So soon?” Phil asked and Dan knew he was hurt.
“Considering that I only found the envelope on my way back while I was on the train I would say it’s relatively soon.” Dan said and smiled sadly.
“On your way home?” Phil asked. He was already a little relieved.
“Yes! I feel so bad!” Dan said and buried his head in his hands.
“You feel bad? I have to feel bad and I do!” Phil cried out. “I thought you didn’t like my present and that you kept quiet about because of that! That was why I was a little mad at you. I thought you must have changed quite a bit if you didn’t like muse any longer.”
“Oh I would have been mad at me as well. I didn’t understand then but I certainly do now! I’m so sorry!” Dan said miserably.
“You don’t have to.” Phil said and patted Dan’s knee.
“I do. You don’t. But actually you could have known something.” Dan said and smiled carefully.
“Oh could I have now?” Phil asked confused.
“Well I think it’s safe to say that I’m never going to change. At least not in that way. My love for muse will probably always stay the same.” Dan said and smiled.
“I could have guessed that, you’re right.” Phil admitted.
“Don’t you dare feeling bad right now. That’s not what I wanted to do.” Dan sighed.
“What did you want to tell me then?” Phil asked and Dan found himself lost for words once again. He cursed himself for it but no matter how hard he tried: not a sound came out of his mouth. A reason for this might have been that Phil was so friendly with him right now. He was being a true best friend and no matter how selfish Dan was he knew that he never wanted that to change.
Phil stayed silent for a while before he cleared his throat and mumbled (simply to say anything and because he was still feeling bad for how he had treated Dan): “I’m sorry I was so mean to you.” Dan’s eyes widened and Phil quickly explained: “I would have sent the picture to you first but I was mad at you. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Are you being serious?” Dan asked. He couldn’t believe how fortunate he was to live with someone as cute as Phil and as caring.
“Yes.” Phil mumbled, fearing a nasty reply from Dan.
“Well in that case I won’t accept your apology.” Dan said and shook his head.
“Why?” Phil asked and sweat broke out all over his body.
“Because there is nothing – you hear me nothing you would have to say sorry for! I have to apologize for my rude question but I suggest it would be best if we just leave that behind and concentrate on the most important things.” Dan said and even dared laughed.
“Most important things?” Phil asked and raised an eyebrow. Dan swallowed hard. Now that he had started it he had to finish it as well.
“Yes. You asked me to tell you everything and I have not finished yet. In a way I haven’t even started. The whole day I have waited and dreaded to tell you about it but well. Here it goes then. Realising how unbelievably sweet your presents have been for my whole family – I repeat: whole family! – I have realised that I first of all don’t deserve a… friend like you and secondly that I damn well couldn’t live without you.” Dan finished. His cheeks were bright red but at that time not even that mattered. He had just confessed a couple of things and it was time for Phil to answer. A thousand possible outcomes played through Dan’s head and he had to concentrate pretty hard on understanding what Phil answered as it nearly drowned in the thoughts playing through his head.
“Thanks. I guess.” Phil said shyly. Dan exhaled sharply.
“That’s all?” he asked a little down.
“What? Why?” Phil asked and blushed a little.
“Phil. I hate to say it but I think you don’t really get what I have been saying.” Dan said and shook his head. The anxious feeling was back.
“What?” Phil asked and blushed again. “You were thankful for the presents I bought your family.”
“Yes and no.” Dan said, suddenly feeling tired. He had thought that confessing had been the hardest part but this was a lot harder. His whole body started trembling now. Perhaps Phil did this on purpose, perhaps he wanted to spare Dan with the truth.
“What am I supposed to make of that?” Phil asked and laughed nervously.
“Phil. I kinda just told you that I couldn’t live without you.” Dan said blushing hard and not daring to look into Phil’s face.
“Thanks?” Phil asked. Even if he wanted Dan to go into a certain direction he did not dare to think that he actually would.
“For goddamn’s sake!” Dan cried. “Have you ever had a friend saying that to you?”
“Not till now.” Phil admitted.
“Not even now.” Dan corrected his breathing as uneven as if he had just run a marathon.
“Sorry?” Phil asked. Dan had managed once again to confuse the heck out of him.
“Not even now have you been told that by a friend.” Dan said and stopped. Phil’s eyes had gotten wide.
“Dan you confuse me.” Dan wanted to interrupt him but Phil continued ranting: “You always have and I doubt that you will ever stop. I mean don’t get me wrong, I kinda love you for that but it’s just so damn confusing. No matter what you do it never fits together. Just there I thought you confessed something and here you are insisting something about friends. I can’t follow. And what was that crap with not being worth to be my friend? I don’t deserve you. I mean it’s kinda fair when you confuse me all the time but there are people out there of whom I’m sure they would be able to make better use of the brightness you are able to give and not just secretly think about it like I do.” Phil stopped and played everything he had said through his head. He blushed deeply and hoped that Dan hadn’t heard most of it. He was clearly all about being friends and Phil might have just ruined that.
“I confuse you?” Dan asked.
“You do. And distract me. It’s bad. Not horrible but my brain had to do a lot of work to at least appear kind of sane.” Phil said. Both of the boys were looking at their fingers instead of into each other’s faces, let alone eyes.
“I get that distracting bit but I have been told that I’m as open as a book. By the way that confusing bit that fits better to you. You are confusing as hell at the moment.” Dan said and crossed his arms in front of his chest, trying to stop them from trembling.
“Who told you, you are as open as a book? The viewers?” Phil asked shocked.
“No. Someone close to me.” Dan said slowly. Phil suddenly felt a bang of jealousy.
“Who?” he asked.
“Adrian.” Dan said.
“Good.” Phil said relieved. Dan looked up and scrutinized Phil’s face.
“Pardon?” Dan asked.
“Nothing. Why did he say that then?” Phil asked, trying his best to bring the attention back to Dan.
“Because of you. Obviously.” Dan said and found the strength to keep looking into Phil’s face.
“Me?” Phil asked and stared into Dan’s brown eyes.
“Yep.” Dan said and exhaled. This was really hard. No one ever warned him that this would be as hard as it was. Not even his clever brother.
“And why? Why do you talk about me?” Phil asked and Dan cursed himself. Phil must think it was weird that he had talked to Adrian about him.
“Why wouldn’t I talk about my friend?” Dan asked.
“Friend.” Phil said sadly. Now he knew Dan’s position but he was still confused where he wanted to go with this.
“Yes. Best friend.” Dan said which managed to make Phil feel at least a little better. It wasn’t exactly what he longed to hear but it was far better than nothing. “Okay so listen. I know I have always said you are my best friend and in a way that is still true but I would rather say… well I have started to realise that they might have been right.” Dan said uncertainly.
“They?” Phil asked and frowned. Was Dan actually trying to say something or was he just rambling nonsense.
“Phil for god… Heaven! They as in my freaking brother! As in all the phans that apparently know far more than us! They as in literally everyone! Even my mother must have detected something!” Dan cried out desperately.
“Dan! I can’t keep up. What did they say. What does this have to do with your brother and what did your mother detect. See this is what I mean when I said that you are confusing me!” Phil said as calmly and gently as he could.
“Am I really this hard to understand?” Dan sighed.
“Most of the time, yes.” Phil said lovingly. The sound of it sent chills down Dan’s back.
“I’m sorry.” Dan mumbled.
“Don’t be. But please just tell me what you want to say.” Phil said breathing unevenly.
“You will laugh at me.” Dan said miserably.
“This is ridiculous. You know perfectly well that I wouldn’t dare to laugh at you.” Phil said sadly. Did Dan know him that few that he actually feared that he would laugh about him?
“Promise?” Dan asked.
“Promise. But hurry up now or I’ll kiss you!” Phil shouted and both their mouths fell open in shock.
“What?” Dan asked.
“N…nothing. I interrupted you. Please go on.” Phil mumbled, face bright red.
“N…no. That was what I wanted to say.” Dan said feeling calm inside.
“What? ‘But hurry up or I’ll kiss you’?” Phil asked confused.
“No! That I think that we are more than friends. We might have always been but my dear brother was kind enough to keep that to himself ‘till now.” Dan said nervously.
“Can you please explain what Adrian has to do with this? You confuse me.” Phil said and shuffled a little closer.
“I can.” Dan said and smiled.
“What are you waiting for then?” Phil asked and smiled.
“Sorry. This is all so unreal. Did you actually just say that? I mean. I did not imagine that did I? If I did please tell me now and I won’t continue for the sake of the both of us.” Dan said nervously.
“I certainly did say that but I won’t repeat it until you tell me what Adrian and your mother (?!) have to do with this.” Phil said. Dan looked nervous so he grabbed his hand without thinking about it.
“Thanks. Well. I better start now. When I was at my parents’ house Adrian noticed straight away that I was texting. He obviously did but apparently judging by my smile he also noticed that I was texting with you.” Dan said and gave Phil a small nudge.
“How?” Phil asked.
“If you need details you certainly should ask Adrian. All I know is that you should be ashamed!” Dan said and even started laughing.
“Why? You confuse me.” Phil said and managed to make it sound like a compliment and less like an insult of any kind.
“Well when I was with my family Adrian didn’t waste any second telling me how love stuck I look whenever I was texting you. You surely must have noticed that sometime!” Dan said. It was a relief that he was able to be silly once again.
“How could I? I didn’t see you when you were texting!” Phil said confused.
“No silly. Back home. Apparently I have always looked at you like that.” Dan said.
“See! How should I have noticed that then? I only ever saw you looking at me like that. How should I know you did not look at someone else like that?” Phil asked and shuffled closer to Dan.
“You’re saying I have looked at you the same way since 2009?” Dan asked horrified.
“So did you just then but yeah. I guess. What’s so bad about it?” Phil asked surprised.
“I can tell you.” Dan said quietly shuffling closer to Phil.
“Can you?” Phil breathed and locked eyes with Dan.
“We have wasted years!” Dan said.
“Years?” Phil asked and gulped.
“Years of being an item. Of knowing how we feel and for god’s sake years of making the best of it.” Dan said breathlessly.
“You are doing it again.” Phil said and smiled carefully.
“What?” Dan asked confused.
“Wasting time.” Phil mumbled. He closed the distance between him and Dan took his head in his hands and pressed his lips carefully against Dan’s. Dan was completely blown away by the kiss so that it took him a couple of seconds to realise what was happening. When he did he flung his arms around Phil and deepened the kiss. When they had to break apart because they needed oxygen Dan fell against Phil and groaned.
“I beg your pardon?” Phil asked.
“Just the thought that I could have had that years ago.” Dan said and cheekily looked up.
“I guess we weren’t ready then.” Phil mumbled.
“Still a shame. And actually I think I must have been ready all along. Otherwise it wouldn’t have felt so natural when I realised that you were not only the one I couldn’t live without but also the one I needed to live.” Dan said and smiled.
“That was cheesy.” Phil said and poked Dan’s dimple.
“Well. But true.”
“Even worse!”
“I bet you can do even worse!” Dan said cheekily and pulled Phil closer.
“I can actually.” Phil whispered into Dan’s ear.
“Please do. Otherwise I will never be able to believe that I’m not dreaming right now.”
“Okay, well then. Do you remember me wrapping presents? You should as it’s not really long ago. Actually it wouldn’t matter how long it was ago because it happened all the time that you were distracting me. In the best way possible. Whenever you only walked around it would be guaranteed that I would think about you for a long time. Actually how couldn’t I? You are beautiful! When I left for my family’s home I thought about us for the first time actually. I always knew that you were important to me but I also realised that saying that you are like a brother felt wrong. I do know why now but I didn’t then. When I got on the train I was really happy to receive your first text. By the way I loved all the photos you sent me even if it was a bit mean to always make me realise how ugly I am compared to you!” Phil said and laughed.
“Wait a second. That’s not true. I know perfectly well that you tried to kill me with your selfies with glasses on.” Dan said.
“I didn’t but it’s good to hear that they had such an effect on you.” Phil said and smiled.
“Shut it.” Dan said and blushed.
“Well. What shall I say then?” Phil asked.
“Nothing.”
“I wasn’t finished yet.”
“Oh. Continue then please.” Dan said and blushed.
“Alright so after I had been mad at you for a few seconds because I thought you had changed enough to no longer like muse I realised that loosing you was the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me. I needed and wanted you to stay in my life forever. I know that’s selfish but that’s just how it is.”
“Same here.” Dan said quietly.
“Thanks for making the Christmas holidays so beautiful even if I missed you all the time.”
“I missed you too. A lot. It was made all painfully real with your adorable pictures and well the cute card you wrote my grandparents.” Dan said. “Oh, by the way.” He added cheekily and flung his arms around him. He snuggled against his shoulder and breathed in the delicious smell.
“What is this for?” Phil mumbled and placed a small kiss on Dan’s neck.
“My grandma wanted me to cuddle you.” Dan explained and melted further into Phil’s strong arms.
“Good to know.” Phil said and laughed softly. He loosened his grip and wanted to sit up again.
“Don’t you dare move away.” Dan said and clung onto Phil.
“Dan!” Phil groaned.
“Only if you say the password.” Dan said and laughed. Phil laughed as well.
“Dan. You are so weird. I love you.” He said and certainly did not expect Dan to drop him quite as forcefully as he did.
“Oh. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.” Dan said and pulled Phil up.
“What am I to make of that now?” Phil asked and laughed.
“I’m so sorry.”
“And they say I’m the clumsy one.” Phil said and pushed a string of hair behind Dan’s ear. He then cupped Dan’s cheeks in his hands and looked him deep into the eye.
“I love you Phil.” Dan said quietly with a breaking voice.
“I love you too.” Phil said and closed the distance for the second time. It felt so right. It felt like nothing ever did before. And as Dan made those delicious noised Phil thought once again that this boy should be illegal for everyone’s health.
“I love you Daniel Howell.”
“You are repeating yourself.” Dan said breathlessly.
“I will stop if you want.” Phil said and smiled.
“Please never.” Dan said and connected their lips again.