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Part 5 of Batfam dumbassery (via @batfambrainrotbeloved)
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Published:
2026-08-27
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2,647
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1/1
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You are NO Batman (yeah no shit hal)

Summary:

A quick lil low effort drabble because i'm on a roll and bored between classes, enjoy <333

Batman is a member of the Justice League. But after weeks of no contact followed by a costume change and isolation. On top of the recent months fuck up's, and Hal Jordan for one is of the opinion a heavy conversation is long overdue.

Little does he know the Batman they know is 'dead' and his secret child has been impersonating him and dealing with his dads death all alone. Said child, Dick Grayson of course, breaks down and its Clark and the rest of the league there to try and pick up the pieces.

(TLDR- Dick "Batman" gets yelled at for his fuck ups, but whoopsie daisy, turns out this is a whole college age child and his dad died and Hal feels like an asshole. Aka slight "lost in time" reinterpretation)

Notes:

Based on https://www.tumblr.com/batfambrainrotbeloved/755472084743929856?source=share THAT post for full context

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Batman was pissing him off, or he always did, that was a fact of life, but now he was really pissing him off.

Hal thrummed his fingers against the desk at the meeting. One run by Superman mind you, and yet here big bad bats was inturrupting every couple of minutes.

They'd gone on about seven tangents in the past half hour alone.

He had a life- hell an entire solar system under his jurisdiction, he did not have time to be playing 5000 fucking questions with the entire leauge present.

Mr "I work alone" being a micromanager freak wasnt new, but the over enthusiasm of being involved in every little detail was a new flavor of aggrivating.

Normally he could play it cool, brush it off. Be a "team player" but every milisecond he was reminded of the pulsing pain in his now broken wrist for yet another reason why he was pissed at Batman.

 

"-the sector clearance was a bit rocky, but he can make some improvements for next time- im sure you'll come up with some suggestions." Clark politely concluded the exchange.

Batman only let out a soft "Hmmph" of acknowlegment- which- rude much?

Keep it cool hal. Is probably what Barry would be telling him if he could guess by the side eye's from his buddy. Though even the flash, FLASH, was looking annoyed at this point. Not that he'd say anything.

'Wasnt his place' bullshit- especially after he almost got caught in an explosion Batman had failed to alert them of the bomb he was activley disarming.

 

"If there are no more questions we can consider meeting adjourned?" Calrk asked, ever the boy scout but was already half hovering to turn off the projector.

No one spoke up, Batman included thank fuck.

Barry was quick to abandon him to hop alongside j'onn and shay as rest of the room quickly began to clear. Everyone eager to leave before Bat changed his mind, or worse, the cafeteria ran out of brownies.

Sweet relief, Hal stood to trail behind, but was stopped by a voice calling out to him.

 

"Lantern? Are you alright?"

Lantern not even the dignity of his last name Batsy was well aware of by now.

"Why wouldn't I be?" He questioned, anger already prickling his skin.

Batman only blinked, "You are not using your right hand, and seem to be wincing and in pain- are you able to complete your duties or do you need accomedations?"

That word- like acid down his throat. Maybe it was his military side, or maybe some bullshit from his dad. But all he heard was the echo of pity

 

"You- want to accomadate me?" Something sharp in his voice must have caught his attention from how he straightened up. He was getting too hot- but the rest of the team had long left them alone, he'd need to self regulate.

"We're a team, we must acknowlege and support eachothers weaknesses," Batman monotoned.

Oh- ohhh- okay then.

"You wanna talk about incompetence? Sure- lets have that conversation!" He felt the tension spike around him, but he didnt care.

"How about we acknowlege the fact you're the reason im fucking twicthng in the first place!? You're meant to hit the villain not your teammates fucking wrist on a basic mission!"

"I apologized, I was unaware that your injury was still bothering you, you should go to medbay and-"

"Seriously what is UP with you recently? Its like you just decided to become all dick with no competency to back it up." Hal laughed, slamming his good hand on the desk.

Batman stayed silent, maybe stunned, most likely just being a prick.

 

"This is the fourth mission thats gone aray and ill tell you the common denomenator- its YOU!"

"....If you are unsatisfied with my preformance I apologize."

"So you admit you've been off your game!"

"Thats not- I want to talk, make things right between us Lantern."

"You know what- you wanna talk? Lets talk, clear the air," Hal huffed, pointing a finger into Batmans chest, the padding sinking in- even his muscles were just for show, the smug bastard.

 

"You preach about trust and transparency, but how the hell are we supposed to trust you if you start acting like this I mean cmon man- hell-"

A tickle in the back of his mind sensed a change in the atmosphere, but he ignored it.

"-Batman from five months ago would look at you now and call you a fucking dissapointment, so maybe consider that before you start nit picking my preformance!"

.

.

.

Silence.

Hal huffed, the flame reduced to smolders as he kept Batmans gaze. Maybe a tad harsh, but nessicary.

Batman just stood there, he did not move from his place. Nor did he respond. What was this the fucking silent treatment.

"Real mature Bats- no whitty reply?"

.

.

.

"You're right," Batman spoke, barely above a whisper. Hal paused, his tone it was- wrong.

But before he could think to question it, the next words spilled out, a half sob confession, "I am no Batman."

 

"Wha-" Hal tried, and watched in horror as Batman collapsed

A quick shot of his ring produced a cushion as Batmans knees would have otherwise slammed against the hard floor. But the man didnt seem to react, pulling his legs into his chest, his solid posture crumbling as he curled into himself.

 

"Bat? Oh fuck- Batsy?" Hal kneeled alongside him, reaching out, but there was no response.

Batman was curled up in the meeting room on top of a hologram cushion, shaking with loud full body sobs.

And Hal Jordan, had no fucking idea what to do.

With heavy breaths, he did the only thing that came to mind. Slammed his hand on the door panel, and screamed

 

"CLARK- FUCKIN- HELP ME!!"

____________________________________________

Clark was, concerned, for lack of a better word.

His relationship was Batman had always been a complicated one, more than colleuges but not quite true friends he just seemed a tad too cautious to truly let him in.

Which was fine, he could be patient.

 

But it seemed in the last few months any and all progress had vanished completely. Batman hadnt attended meetings in a few weeks and then suddenly showed up, calling everyone by their mask alone.

He was distant, more than before. More cagey than cautious. And all of them had noticed. They asked him, and he had no awnser.

Even J'onn admitted to trying to peek only to find that Batmans new helm kept him solidly out.

That added with the suit upgrade, the helmet covering his entire head, and the new feature masking his heartbeat was a slight he tried not to take personally.

 

Today however- Batman seemed almost, engaged? Or at the very least trying. In his own way.

But Clark could see in the thrumm of tension lining Hals shoulders, he shouldnt have left them alone. Diana had excitedly dragged him off to discuss another affair, and he hadnt the heart to ignore her. Or the cause to deny.

 

They would be fine-

Barry gestured a mile a minute, excitedly explaining about a new experimental anti pollution project in Uganda that he had convinced the JL to help fund. The positive update did bring a small smile to his face and ease at least a small percentage of his worries.

"Is it really that big a concern? Why not focus on the larger waste? Wouldn't they cause more distruption?" Oliver asked behind bites of brownie crumbs flying.

Barry grinned, "See you'd be correct however microplastics, specifically nanoplastics and their theorized ability to pass betwene cell walls is if not more-"

 

Clarks ear twitched as he heard a door unlatch, but did his best to ignore it.

CLARK FUCKIN HELP ME

Hals scream sent shivers up his spine, muscles tensing on instinct as his head whipped in the direction.

 

"Something wrong-" Is all he got out before vanishing from the table, and zipping back down the hallway.

Clark practically tore through the doorway, barely waiting for it to swing back open as he took in the scene in front of him.

Batman, curled up, sobbing, whatever tech was protecting his heartbreak seemingly off, or maybe it was the fact his heart was thudding against his chest a mile a minute.

The man was in more distress than Clark had ever seen him. He'd barely shed a tear when almost having his arm torn off by a robot, but now? He looked devestated

Red eyes flicked to a panicky Hal who looked on the verge of freaking out himself.

 

"What happened?" He boomed, faintly recognizing as more JL members arrived right outside the door.

"I dont know!" Hal pleaded "One minute we're arguing, over the stupid mission, he was worried, I got pissed being pitied, said some shit- and he started freaking out!"

"What did you say!?" Diana asked, popping besides Clark with a panicked gasp.

"Fuckin- nothing new just-?" Hal gestured, sounding near hysterical now, "If he wants to nitpick reflect on his preformance, and he wasnt the same batman he was before, and-"

"He fuckng agreed with me- said he wasnt Batman and fucking did THIS!"

 

Barry zipped over, pulling his friend into his chest as J'onn approached the trembling shadow.

"Can you speak?" He asked, calmer than any of them combined.

Batman did not reply, hell he didnt even acknowlege his presence.

J'onn frowned, slowly reaching a hand out to place it on his shoulder. Batman did not move away, perhaps even moved into the touch, seeking comfort in such a vulnerable way it made his heart shatter.

 

"If you cannot speak- they cannot help, but I can, if you will accept mine."

Clark flinched, well aware of what J'onn was suggesting. But well- a part of him didnt want to protest. He wanted to know what was wrong with his friend.

Batman shook his head, burying his face deeper into his knees, but the first recognizable words made their way to Clarks ears.

"-cant- not allowed"

Allowed?

 

"Whoever you are fearful of is not here, and they cannot come, I promise you" Clark tried, wincing at how Batmans sobs seemed to grow harsher.

But he needed him to know it was okay, "No one can hurt you here, you are our friend, and we will fight for you- so please, trust us."

At last, Batman lifted his head just enough to see the white lenses, the rest of the helmet firmly locked in place.

But with a shaky hand, he reached and a gloved hand took hold of J'onns. He looked confused, but simply allowed Batman to guide him between sobs, the rest of the group deadly quiet.

Slipping J'onns hand to the back of the helmet, there was an audible click.

And then silence.

 

J'onn gasped, a horrid and wretched sound, mixed with a purely panicked warble as his other hand shot out to curl around the other side of his helmet.

"What? What?" Clark demanded, impatient in his worry.

J'onn shook his head, and slowly sat back, lowering himself until he was face to well, lenses.

"You- I am so sorry" He said, every words a half warble.

Then he did the unthinkable, and pulled Batman into his chest. The man, not done shocking them, was quick to wrap his arms around J'onn, heaving more sobs into his chest.

 

"Shall I explain?" He asked, pausing and seemingly recieving an awnser. "Are you sure? They will trust the judgement of my secrecy?"

Batman shook his head, and without further delay, J'onn slipped both hands around the helmet and pulled.

Hal honest to god covered his eyes, and Clark almost did the same, but paused as he saw the first flash of skin.

 

Dark skin. Much darker than the near sickly pale frown he was used to.

And all at once, the helmet popped off, and ringlets of dark blueish brown curls plopped around a teary eyed boys head.

A boy. One who looked nothing like what they knew of the Dark Knight. An imposter.

 

Diana's arm moved to her lasso, but she made no other move, "J'onn- who is this?"

Clark would like to know too-

But before J'onn could speak, it was Oliver who let out a heartbreaking gasp, quickly dropping to his knees and reaching forward.

The boy did not protest as Oliver tilted up his chin.

"Oh... Dick..." He muttered, and Clark felt even more confused.

J'onn finally spoke "This is Dick Wayne-Grayson.... Batmans son"

.

.

.

"His fucking WHAT!?" Arthur broke from his own stunned silence, turning red at his language but perfectly marking how Clark felt in stupored silence.

But J'onn was not finished.

"He has been covering the mantle since..." J'onn trilled, "Since Batman died."

 

No.

Dick let out a loud hiccup, "Im sorry- im sorry- im so so sorry-we- he didnt- I couldnt tell you-"

Oliver shushed him, Dinah quickly and nervously at his side. Both joining J'onn in comforting the trembling boy who looked like he was a steady breeze away from shattering in their arms.

Clark- sat on the floor, collapsed more like. But- he couldnt believe it. How could any of them?

He turned to Diana, but she had removed her hands from her lasso, instead they were covering her gaping mouth, and blue eyes overflowing with tears.

Batman... dead?

 

"How-" long? how had they not known? how did it happen? too many questions rapped against his head.

"Mission gone wrong... I- didnt know what to do there were protocols but-" He turned to Hal, fresh tears overflowing, "You're right, im not Batman."

Hal shook his head, pale as a ghost and summoning pillows and fans left and right for their panicked friends. "No no, I never should have- you're just as much-"

But Dick shook his head, "No- im not- and I dont want to be- but- what choice do I have?"

"Gotham is my, our city, it would crumble- I cant let his legacy fall just because Im too weak to handle it all"

That was enough. Clark could grieve later. But now, he needed to be a leader.

 

"That is done."

Dick looked up, ocean blue eyes filled with such sorrow "..what?"

"I told you, and my words do not change... we will fight for you, and I intend to keep that"

"You cant-"

"Dont go telling us what to do now- you're what- eleven?" Hal butt in, a shaky attempt to raise the mood.

Dick sniffled, wiping his eyes, "Im twenty four, but you- you have your own cities, I just got to-"

 

"Got to nothing- you are still young, and learning, and your father was a great man." Dinah began, the was an ice cold arrow in his chest. "And any great man would not wish for his family to suffer."

Dick shook his head, "I... you dont know what you're getting into"

"Absolutely no clue," Barry confirmed, "But Batsy was family- and we refuse to abandon family okay kiddo? We're the justice leauge, its kind of our entire deal."

Dick let out a wet laugh that made Clarks heart rise just a bit. Now this they could do, give grief a purpose, a path.

"Besides, whats one more kid hero under my wing" Barry joked.

Something flashed over Oliver and J'onns face, but before either could clarify, it was Dick who laughed even louder than before.

"Well... if you're all serious about this you shoul... know the full truth"

Clark nodded, looking at each of his friends, his family who did the same.

And Dick, with a bright white smile that contrasted so much with the Dark Knights trademark scowl happily said, "Theres like eight of us, more depending on how you count."

.

.

.

"WHAT!?" They all chorused.

Clark just blinked, well, he'd need to tell Ma to get started early on Christmas sweaters.

Notes:

They have the exact reaction all over again when they finally realize who "Dick Grayson-WAYNE'S" dad is-

Also when Bruce returns from the timestream he will be both pleasently suprised and horrified to find the league knows everything about his children and personal life.

Like pro- his kids were cared for by people he trusted and cared for
Con- no more mr. mysterious and nonchalant, they've seen the gala pics Bruce

A not so serious lil brainworm drabble since im on a hurt/comfort kick since my main stuff is all up to date so enjoyyy <33

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