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“Are you sure we should be doing this?”
Peter didn’t look up from the interface, blue light reflecting off of the metal imitators fitted over his fingernails. He’d designed them to interact with Mr. Stark’s tech in a way that couldn’t be differentiated from the real thing.
“He started it,” Peter argued, “when we put a tracker in my suit and named all the protocols like it was a daycare.”
Ned snorted, curling over the keyboard in his lap. “Baby Monitor Protocol.”
This time Peter did look up, without a hint of amusement in his eyes. “Ned.”
“Okay, okay, sorry. Jeez.” Ned raised his hands in surrender and turned back to his keyboard. “What exactly are we doing to him?”
Peter grinned, leaning back from the floating holoscreen. “Giving him a taste of his own medicine.”
*~*~*~*~*~*
Tony softened his steps as the warehouse door slid shut, muting his exterior speakers to keep his voice from alerting any potential guards.
“F.R.I.D.A.Y.,” he whispered regardless, “activate stealth mode.”
A voice suddenly blasted in his ears, and for a moment Tony was afraid he’d been caught - then the words registered.
“AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA-” followed by a burst of distorted noise - music mixed with static and screaming.
Tony disengaged the helmet immediately, then flinched as the loud noise continued to play for a moment before cutting off sharply.
Luckily no alarms went off, but Tony was left standing, dumbfounded, for a long minute.
“...what the f-”
*~*~*~*~*~*
Tony was on his way back from that mind-boggling stealth mission when his stomach growled. He glanced below him - he was flying over a small city. “F.R.I.D.A.Y., find a Burger King nearby.”
F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s voice chirped through the in-suit speakers. “Sure thing, boss. Activating I Can Has Cheezburger? Protocol.”
Tony actually stopped midair. “...what did you just say?”
“I said, sure thing, boss. Activating-”
“No, no, F.R.I., I know what you said. But… what is that?”
F.R.I.D.A.Y. was quiet for a short moment, then answered. “I believe it is based upon the premise of the 2007 meme of a happy cat requesting a cheeseburger, comically misspelled and popularized over the late 2000s and early 2010s.”
Tony sighed heavily. “...memes.”
“Yes, sir.”
“.........Peter.”
A long pause.
“...Would you still like me to locate the nearest Burger King, boss?”
“...Yes.”
*~*~*~*~*~*
After Tony finished his cheeseburger, he made his way back to the Tower. After removing his suit, he went looking for his protege.
After several fruitless minutes of searching, Tony decided he was done playing nice.
“F.R.I.D.A.Y., activate Peter’s GPS.”
“Activating HELICOPTER PARENT PROTOCOL.”
Tony blinked. “...F.R.I.D.A.Y.”
“There’s a note attached to this protocol. Would you like to preview it?”
Tony sighed deeply. “Yes.”
So F.R.I.D.A.Y. read. “HELICOPTER PARENT PROTOCOL note: You know what you’re doing.”
Tony dropped his head into his hands. “...Peter.”
*~*~*~*~*~*
Tony groaned as he got up, taking stock. He remembered taking a hit, the ground racing toward him, and now…
“F.R.I.D.A.Y., run a full diagnostic,” he ordered, removing his helmet to rub at his aching head.
“Activating Have You Tried Turning it On and Back Off Again? Protocol.”
Tony was quiet for about half a second. Then. “Peter, I swear to f-”
*~*~*~*~*~*
Tony lost patience two days later, after sending a distress signal activated the “Help, I’ve Fallen and Can’t Get Up” Protocol, and then when he complained to F.R.I.D.A.Y. about villains always coming up with new ideas, she replied “okay, boomer”.
“F.R.I.D.A.Y., reset all protocol designations.”
“I’m sorry, sir, but this action is restricted.”
Tony paused, stunned. “...on whose orders?”
“Yours, sir,” F.R.I.D.A.Y. told him.
Tony’s jaw clenched. “When?”
“Six days ago, sir, at 6:14pm.”
Tony’s eyes narrowed. “...where?”
*~*~*~*~*~*
Peter jumped when the door to his bedroom slammed open. He knew it was coming, but he’d hoped to have a little more time to prepare.
“Peter Benjamin Parker!” Tony stormed into the room, and Peter pressed himself flatter against the ceiling, hoping against hope that he wasn’t seen.
Tony looked around the dark room for a moment longer, then reached for the lightswitch. When it didn’t work - Peter had made sure of that - Tony switched gears.
“F.R.I.D.A.Y., activate night vision.”
Peter had to hold back a snort before F.R.I.D.A.Y. even spoke.
“Activating Old Man Bifocals Protocol.”
Since Peter could see better than Tony in the dark, he was treated to the beautiful sight of the man’s face going absolutely red.
“Peter!”
Peter finally lost the battle, snorted so hard he choked, then laughed until he fell off the ceiling - directly onto Tony’s head.
Tony squawked, which only made Peter laugh harder. He scrambled to try to get up and run, but Tony grabbed his ankle before he could, and then his hand got stuck to the floor and knocked him over again, which dragged Tony back down.
Tony twisted just enough to get on top of Peter and pin him down - likely forgetting that Peter was several times stronger than him and could throw him into the wall if he wanted to - and leveled him with a dead-eyed stare.
“Peter. The memes. The jokes. The lock you placed on my own system. How? How did you do it?”
Peter briefly considered telling him - he was sure Tony would be proud of the imitators he designed - but decided it was better to leave him in the dark. So he grinned and shook his head, keeping his mouth shut.
Tony’s glare turned murderous. “Peter. I demand you unlock my protocols immediately.”
At that, Peter was delighted to exposit. “Oh, I can’t do that.”
“Why. Not?” Tony gritted out.
Peter’s grin was blinding. “You told F.R.I.D.A.Y. not to defy or argue with you. This includes contradicting your own high-priority orders.”
“Peter.” Tony tried to stay calm - he was genuinely impressed that the kid had pulled this off, but it was also annoying as everything. “Tell me how you did it.”
Peter’s grin suddenly vanished. “Spite,” he said, totally deadpan.
Tony blinked. “...That’s not a thing.”
“It is.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
Tony sighed. “...Kid?”
Peter’s grin returned. “Yes, Mr. Stark?”
Tony almost smiled. “...If I apologize for the Baby Monitor… will you fix my stuff?”
Peter wrapped his arms around Tony’s middle, tucking his face against the man’s shoulder. “I love you, Mr. Stark.”
Tony froze, then returned the embrace. “...love you too, kid.”
It was only after the hug ended and Peter stood up and took off that Tony remembered he never got that promise.
“Kid, you little-”