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Over the course of his life, it would be inaccurate to say Kaworu did not bear witness to any amount of flirting.
Kaji has always been what Misato-san calls an "incorrigible flirt" and as his somewhat unofficial adoptive son, he's seen countless instances of his mentor flirting. From old-fashioned courting rituals he never understood such as opening a door for a woman with a chivalrous grin and the more blatant displays he's grown accustomed to like sliding a sneaky arm around a woman's waist.
All things he's seen work in Kaji's favor or fail spectacularly depending on the situation. He's seen women literally fawn themselves over Kaji and he's watched them get enraged and slap him. Not to mention the instances in which these flirtatious interactions happened with Misato there to fume over them while Kaji sheepishly explained himself.
Having been a bystander of such confusing examples of flirting, it's only natural Kaworu has little idea what to do when there's someone he's genuinely interested in. The only other type of flirting he's been privy to has been the subtle, awkward words and acts that he's been told were meant to express an interest in him.
Girls at school shower him in endless praise and awestruck expressions. They twirl their hair, blush, stammer their way through a confession and make indirect passes at him all the time. With the help of Toji and Kensuke, he's learned to at least recognize when a girl is blatantly throwing herself at him but he's still not quite good with the subtle hints.
Everything he's ever wanted to say has been directly stated with no thought to how it might affect the people around him or how it might sound coming from him. Kaworu has never been one to sugarcoat anything and he finds it hard to measure each word as though he's looking for the perfect balance, as if he's crafting a recipe to say anything.
People tell him he's too blunt sometimes. They either say it like it's a bad thing or they praise him about it, there doesn't seem to be a middle ground. He's either a blunt, cold jerk or a guy who "tells it like it is". Overall, his inability to stop himself from openly stating anything he desires to say has made it hard for him to consider the prospect of flirting.
Kaji tells him that flirting is an art, that you need to be as mindful of your words as you need to be of your body language when you want to attract someone. In the past, Kaworu never had any interest in partaking in such a needlessly complicated unspoken contest. Now, being told that his bluntness and lack of finesse might be the reason why his attempts to get Shinji to understand his feelings for him seem to fail, he's at an impasse.
Flirting — how Kaji explains it — can be a tool to gradually pull someone closer to you when a direct approach may be far too intense and end up spooking them. Kaworu remembers how he had spent an agonizingly slow amount of time caressing and talking to and buttering up a horse he'd encountered at a school trip before he could ever attempt to ride it.
Thinking of Shinji as a skittish animal, likely to run the other way as soon as he makes a sudden move doesn't feel right but it isn't entirely inaccurate. Based on how his interactions with him have been so far, Kaworu is starting to think a subtle approach might just be what he needs. So he takes note of what Kaji says. He listens.
And he practices that slimy grin of his in the mirror enough times that he's met with a perfect copy of his adoptive dad.
***
(Shinji almost makes it through an entire day without a frankly uncomfortable interaction with Nagisa at school and the peace of it makes him doubt that will last. His anxiety turns out to be a gut feeling as he barely has time to touch the door to push it open and get to his next class before a pale hand is doing it for him, far too enthusiastic about it.
Shinji sighs before he even sees his face and he only has time to open his mouth to say something, some polite request to leave him alone for the day and not take his awkward silence as permission to talk his ear off about nonsensical metaphors he can't comprehend. No words have time to form on his lips before he's met with Nagisa's wide, unsettling grin.
"You first," he says and has the audacity to seem proud of himself.
Holding the door open for him and loudly proclaiming it to be Shinji's given right to walk in first, making fun of him for his looks and presumably his voice. Shinji damns the complexities of male puberty, his vocal chords, his delicate face but never even thinks of damning his genes as he knows he might look like a lady — and has been mistaken for a lesbian before — but at least he's taken after his mom when it comes to looks.
"Very funny," Shinji deadpans.
Kaworu doesn't seem to understand what he means but Shinji is glad to have caused a reaction in him so similar to the one he keeps coming back to every time he has to interact with this strange, otherworldly boy. Sometimes he thinks Nagisa might have actually spent most of his life on the moon or something, to have such a lack of awareness about everything he does and says.
He sits as far from him as he can be without it becoming obvious because really, he's not trying to be mean. But he can feel Nagisa's strange, red eyes boring through him throughout the whole class and it makes him equally uneasy and nervous. Nagisa is an unsolvable puzzle but even with none of the pieces making sense on their own or forcefully put together, he's still nice to look at.
Shinji catches his stare once and can only wince at the determination he finds there.)
***
Observing Toji's interactions with the class president doesn't do much to enlighten Kaworu in the ways of a fellow teenage boy when it comes to flirting. They seem too engaged on this oddly well-rehearsed script that demands their every conversation to be full of banter and inescapable jabs at one another.
Kensuke says that that's just how they are and that Hikari can sometimes be what he deems a "tsundere". When he asks about the definition of the word that's new to him, Kensuke seems to contemplate what his answer should be for a minute and then he points at Asuka like that's all the explanation needed.
Putting that incident aside, Kaworu finds that he can't learn much more from the boys he's only now realizing he should consider friends than he could from Kaji. Toji doesn't seem to even realize he's in the midst of some sort of fascinating heterosexual mating dance with the class president, not even with Asuka's blatant distaste for him and the idea of him dating her best friend.
Kensuke has nothing to teach him, too caught up in his hobbies and interests to spend any time investing in a relationship. At most, he drools over Misato and makes some offhand comments about which girls he finds cute. It's in the middle of one of those assessments that Kaworu can't seem to escape from that he learns something.
"Dude, she's cute but not even close to better than Hikari," Toji says and it confuses Kaworu to no end that he will say stuff like that and still deny he has a crush on the class president.
"Not this again," Kensuke bemoans. "I'm telling you you're blinded by her boxed lunches, Hideki-chan has the nicest rack of all the girls at school."
"Okay, that much I agree with."
"What's a rack?" Kaworu blurts out the question before they can change the subject.
They both pause and then share a look that makes Kaworu feel as lonely as if he were talking to himself, a look full of understanding and nuance and the unspoken inside jokes of two people who are close the way they are. Toji's being nice today because he doesn't laugh, instead he claps Kaworu on the shoulder and makes a comment about him being too pure for this world.
He lets him know what they mean is basically a girl's breasts. Then Kensuke gets a mischievous look on his face and they both grin at him, equally excited over what they're about to say or do. For a second, Kaworu thinks they might let everyone around know that he's so clueless he didn't even know what the word rack meant.
Then Kensuke asks, "And what's your thing? Tits or ass?"
Kaworu blinks at him, at a loss for how else to respond. That seems to make Kensuke feel somewhat awkward, as though he's also unsure of what to say next. At least it makes Kaworu feel less lost.
"Like what's your preference? What do you like more in a girl, her boobs or her butt?"
He phrases it more delicately and lowers his voice right as Asuka walks by them, palpable fear in his hushed tone. Once she's far enough, he and Toji share a glance and sigh simultaneously. They're so in sync with each other that Kaworu often feels that they can communicate telepathically. It certainly wouldn't surprise him.
He ponders on the question Kensuke made, wondering what exactly he'd consider more aesthetically pleasing to look at.
"Look dude, just say whatever makes you feel more, uh, excited," Toji starts and then makes a face as though he's struggling to say what he says next. "Y'know, down there."
It isn't often that Kaworu feels a surge of heat in his lower belly but he does know what they mean by it, he's not a moron. Last time he had such a reaction and it was inspired by some body part he's seen was probably...
"Shinji-kun has a nice ass."
Toji and Kensuke look at each other once again and then crack up laughing but Kaworu doesn't feel the same cold sweat he feels when he's being laughed at, his face lights up as he realizes they're laughing with him.
"Nagisa, dude, you're the best."
Toji grins, "You really just say whatever comes to mind, huh?"
Kaworu nods with a frown on his face. He does. That's why he's having such trouble figuring this whole thing out.
***
(It's the fifth time Shinji tries to read the same paragraph, his eyes skim over the words but don't take any of them in as he should. It's been hell having to deal with Asuka having sleepovers with the class president at Misato-san's place. He can't figure out for the life of him how Asuka seems so refreshed every morning as if she wasn't awake and giggling loudly at three AM.
Sleep threatens to take him over with each of his blinks, eyelids dropping as if meaning to close and give him some rest. But he can't, it's not like he can discreetly lie his head and sleep through this class. Not only would it be entirely too obvious but he also actually needs to focus on this assignment. It's supposed to be part of an upcoming test.
The lack of sleep already has him in an irritable mood so he all but groans when he feels a tap on his shoulder. When he saw just who he had sat behind him, he knew it would be an issue. Can't this guy go five minutes without bothering him about something? Can't he see that Shinji isn't exactly good company right now? One could argue he rarely is.
"What?" Shinji demands when he turns to the insufferable boy.
"I just wanted you to know I made sure to sit behind you today," Nagisa says as if Shinji hadn't noticed. "It was on purpose."
And he has the gall to say it with a mischievous grin as if he's proud of himself for... choosing to sit behind Shinji? Before he can open his mouth to let him know just how dumb that sounds, Nagisa is leaning forward and getting all up in his face. He's unexpectedly close when he whispers to Shinji in an excited voice.
"You have a great ass."
Then he stares at Shinji as though he should applaud him for saying it. As if this is funny, like Shinji hadn't realized he'd been teasing him more frequently these days. Does he really think this is what friendship is meant to be like? Or is this his way of harassing Shinji and he's just looking for a reaction? Given how he acts, it wouldn't surprise him.
Shinji scoffs and turns away from him, deciding that Nagisa's weird comments are nothing more than a desperate attempt to get attention and he won't rise to the bait. This has to be the most inventive type of bullying Shinji has ever been subjected too. He pointedly keeps his eyes off of Nagisa for the rest of the class.
The only glimpse he catches of him is when he's gathering his things to head to his next class and for some godforsaken reason, Nagisa seems utterly dejected.)
***
It occurs to Kaworu that he may be overthinking this whole thing.
Shinji remains indifferent to his attempts at seduction and it feels monumentally wrong for them to continue to be so divided. All he wants is to get closer to the boy he's in love with but nothing he does seems to work in his favor. In his head, he goes through all sorts of scenarios as he tries to figure out what his next course of action should be.
His introspection doesn't pay off in the ideas department but Kaji notices how distant he is and tries to cheer him up. It's pointless to ask him for advice when all he taught him was ultimately useless in practice but Kaworu appreciates the concern. If only he could get him to understand that he means it when he says Shinji is the love of his life.
Whenever he says anything about it, Kaji acts as though he's humoring him by agreeing with an awkward smile. No doubt he's trying to be supportive but Kaworu doesn't quite get what about it is so hard to believe. Has he never looked at Misato and felt that the entire world was only constructed as a means to get them to meet?
Does he not feel as though he's been trapped in a test tube, patiently waiting for the moment his life's purpose would be revealed only to find that a single person is more meaningful than anything he could be sent to do?
Doing his best to rationalize it, Kaworu writes down every possible outcome he ever imagined of approaching Shinji in romantic pursuit. Looking down at the paper he can barely recognize what he wrote as written by himself, it's almost as though some other personality was manifested just to give its opinion on what should be done about Shinji.
His thoughts become more jumbled whenever Shinji is concerned and it doesn't surprise him that he ends up with such radically different options. From "ask him to see the stars with you" to "find a way to give him CPR so you can have an excuse to kiss him", the suggestions vary on purpose and intention.
Kaworu wonders if he should take a different approach. More accurately, if he should take a familiar approach that has been his go-to through his whole life. He considers just saying what comes to mind as he has always done, follow an instinct rather than thinking through every possibility and preparing for it. Wouldn't it be better to be genuine?
His honesty has been received in many different ways in the past but most have been positive. People at school think he's funny. Toji and Kensuke at least find him entertaining enough to hang out with him. It even seems to endear him to some of the girls at school, although he cannot tell for sure why they have such interest in him.
The only one who ever interested him is Shinji and he vows to let him know that as soon as he sees him.
***
(Most of the students have already left the locker room but Shinji isn't taking any chances, he refuses to go shower until he's certain there's no one around to see it. He doesn't understand how they could be so okay with showering together for everyone to see but he won't be pointed at and laughed at for a part of his anatomy he cannot find a way to grow.
He's caught up in the music in his earphones which is why it startles him so much to feel something poking him. Jumping in his seat, he takes off his earphones and looks back to see exactly who he hoped he wouldn't see. Nagisa's grin is as unsettling as ever but Shinji has given up on blaming that on him. Honestly, it might just be how he smiles.
"Yes?" Shinji asks, hoping with all his strength that this isn't another one of those puzzling interactions with Nagisa.
"Are you going to take a shower?"
Shinji is standing that in his gym clothes with a towel hanging off his shoulder, all he can do is nod and repress the urge to roll his eyes or be needlessly sarcastic. It's the type of attitude he can't have around Asuka or she won't hesitate to punch him for it. At best, he can get away with it when it's aimed at Misato-san because most of the time, she knows she deserves it.
"Yeah, that's what I was going to do."
Was, because now he isn't sure it's safe to follow with that course of action now that Nagisa is around. Shinji isn't sure he can trust him not to make fun of him for some reason, he's been vaguely doing that for the past few weeks as far as he can tell. Although it is hard to tell. Nagisa has a weird way of mocking people.
"May I come with you?"
Shinji blinks, "Uh, what?"
"To the shower," Nagisa dares to clarify. "Can I join you in the shower?"
There is no way in hell he will allow that to happen. Shinji looks up at Nagisa with narrowed eyes that demand some sort of explanation. His face is flushed but Nagisa smiles at him as though he just made a perfectly normal offer and not an offer to do exactly what Shinji was avoiding by waiting until everyone else left.
"Y-You can't just- You don't..."
"Is that a no?" Nagisa asks, cocking his head to the side like a confused puppy.
Shinji opens his mouth and is horrified to realize he can't find the words to deny him.)
***
The sounds of the running showers are the only thing making the long silence between them even slightly bearable. Kaworu uses a generous amount of soap as he's wont to and sneaks a glance at Shinji, who's stiffly standing with his back to him as though he expects Kaworu to jump at him at any second. It does give him a nice view of his ass.
Joining him in the shower was a sudden decision, an act of impulsivity brought on by a desire to be closer to Shinji than he had been in the past. Oftentimes, he can practically hear a voice at the back of his head urging him to act a certain way and he tends to follow its lead. Out of curiosity of what may happen more than anything, as it gives him this sense of deja vu.
"Y'know, Shinji-kun," Kaworu starts, raising his voice to be heard over the water falling. "It occured to me that maybe I'm overthinking this whole thing."
That earns him a look he can't quite decipher, Shinji turning to stare at him with an inquisitive eyebrow raise. He's beautiful like this, not that Kaworu can ever think of an occasion when he's anything but beautiful. Still, it has his heart leaping at his throat as if it wants to jump right out and merge with Shinji, becoming one with his own heart.
"Yeah?" Shinji prompts but he doesn't seem to understand what Kaworu means at all.
Communication is a crucial aspect of any relationship, if Kaworu has learned anything from watching Kaji repeatedly fumble his attempts to be a good partner for Misato-san. He can't let a meager misunderstanding stand between him and the boy he loves, he'd like to believe he's smarter than that. More importantly, he'd like to actually feel like Shinji knows what he's talking about.
"The truth is... I like you, Shinji-kun. I really do."
He'd like to think he's shown that again and again but apparently, it's news to Shinji because his eyes widen and he stares at Kaworu as though he just grew a second head. Really, he had thought it was obvious that he was crazy about him. Did Shinji not catch onto all those desperate efforts to be closer to him? Did he not hear his cigarette analogy? He thought he'd made his point clear with that.
"I don't know why you won't believe me," Kaworu says and he makes sure to not smile as he usually does, aiming to look serious for once. "I've always liked you. I just want to be with you."
Shinji blinks for a minute, processing what was said. Kaworu patiently waits for him to decide on how to react to it, his stomach twisting in ways he hadn't thought were possible before. It's what it feels like to be nervous, he's sure. He's ecstatic about it, he can count on one hand how many times he was actually anxious about something. It feels very human of him.
"I thought you were making fun of me," Shinji finally says.
At that, he can't help but look back and wonder how he could have reached that conclusion. Is that something people do? Repeatedly tell people they want to be around them and that they light their heart on fire just to mess with them? He can't recall ever being a victim of this particular type of prank. Is Shinji as clueless as he is about these things? That would be reassuring.
Not to mention, the thought of sharing a trait with Shinji fills him with irrational joy.
"Never," Kaworu assures him.
More silence follows. When he looks at him, Shinji has his head bent down and is seemingly lost in thought. Kaworu can feel his heartbeat as clearly as if he had an ear pressed to his heart, his entire world has shifted to eagerly anticipate whatever response he will get from Shinji. This is the moment that makes him or breaks him, he can hardly contain himself.
"I don't... dislike you."
Those words tie a string around his heart, make it flinch and nearly stop beating out of sheer elation. Shinji doesn't hate him. He doesn't even dislike him. For once, he can see something akin to affection in his eyes and it brings a new perspective into his world. It drives him insane with want, he can only dig his nails into his palms and resist the overwhelming urge to go up to Shinji and kiss him.
Careful now, that voice in the back of his mind instructs him. You'll scare him away.
"I just don't..." Shinji sighs sharply. "I don't understand why you'd like me."
There's many things Kaworu can say to that. How can you not understand? Isn't it obvious? What's there to not get? He's floored by the fact that Shinji doesn't realize how amazing he is. That he can even for a second imagine he's not someone worth admiring, not someone others would like to be close to. Kaworu can't possibly be the first.
"Well, I don't understand why anyone wouldn't."
Silence takes over then. Like Shinji has nothing to say to that, can't possibly think of anything to say. Kaworu is patient, waiting for him to come up with something or at least acknowledge what he said. When he sneaks a peek at him, Shinji's face is beet red. The sight makes Kaworu's poor heart sing a tune that matches the beat of Shinji's heart. He feels unbelievably stupid but so very happy. It feels like they're finally getting somewhere.
"Y-You say such weird things," Shinji ends up saying, though he doesn't sound mad.
"Is that a bad thing?" Kaworu asks, just to be sure.
Shinji's quiet for a moment but then shakes his head slowly.
"No. Not at all."
Kaworu's smile is bright. He can feel Shinji looking at him and for once he doesn't think he's judging him. For once, he thinks they may understand each other. They might even be on the same page, Kaworu hopes. If Shinji likes him even half as much as he likes him, it'll be enough for him. If he just gives him the time of day, that's more than good enough. Kaworu just wants to be near him. Just wants to see him smile.
"I still think you're pretty weird," Shinji mutters.
All his life, people have told Kaworu he's weird. He never understood why.
But he thinks maybe it's fine to be weird, if Shinji likes him anyway.