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Chapter Text

"Welcome to Roosterteeth, home of The Cockbite."

Admittedly that wasn't the most family-friendly slogan, but when Burnie first heard it (drunk to the point of paralytic and overworked to the point of comatose) he had written it on the chalkboard outside before he had stopped laughing. Ray and Geoff just shrugged and went with it.

Roosterteeth was a small cafe in the middle of Austin, surrounded by big department stores and shiny offices where big, important looking people would walk in and out of business meetings wearing dark blue suits and earpieces and carrying briefcases. Michael was just glad he didn't have to wear a suit.

Roosterteeth (Or 'The Cockbite Coffee Shop' as Burnie had affectionately called it, wasn't big. It was about average size for a coffee shop, with one side painted red and the other blue, as if to divide the customers. Come to think of it, nobody ever changed sides. All 18 tables had the company logo painted in the corner, and every seat was padded against back pain. If he didn't have to work here every evening, he would love the place. As it was he just spent most of his time there silently cursing at customers and loudly cursing at the equipment and Lindsay.

Oh, Lindsay. Lindsay was what would happen if you took Michael's dream guy and gave him boobs and a vagina. She was pretty and smart and cute and just the right amount of nerdy. If she was a guy, he would be all over her.

"Oh Michael. If you were a guy, I'd be all over you too." That one pissed him off a little.

In all seriousness, watching late morning Pokemon marathons with her was the closest thing he'd had to a relationship in months. He was starting to consider asking every guy who came in if they wanted to go out for a drink or get married or watch a movie or something.

And then Gavin happened.

He didn't see the sandy haired idiot approach. They were never that busy at night, usually insomniacs and vampires who always seemed to pay with the exact amount of cash required. People were weird. When the door had squeaked open, Ray had been trying to make a pyramid out of paper cups and Michael was throwing packets of sugar at it. The dopey looking, skinny jean wearing, sandy haired 'Patron' was holding the door open for a pretty blonde, both of them talking in such loud voices he wanted to smash their heads together. He slowly made his way behind the counter, dragging his feet.

Who the fuck gets coffee at 2am?

"Hi, my name is Michael and I'll be your barrister." the same ten words he gave to every customer. "What can I get you?"

The dopey looking guy looked up at Michael, with a stupidly fucking cute look in his eyes.

Ask his name, idiot!

"Uhhh, hi. I'll have a white tea, and Barbara will have..."

"Barbara would like a hot chocolate." she almost yelled, clearly to enthusiastic for the current time zone. Lindsay scooted up next to him, opening the cash register with a loud cha-ching!

"That'll be 5 dollars." she smirked, to excited. Was he the only person that understood it 2am on a sunday? "Can I ask your name?"

"Gavin." answered the guy. It took Michael a second to realise the fruity accent the guy had was british.

Don't fall in love, don't fall in love, dont fall in love.

Lindsay pulled a black sharpie from her pocket and wrote 'Gavin' in big block letters on the tea. She added 'Barbara' to the side of the hot chocolate, and handed them over the counter, and for a brief second her finger rubbed against his.

Back off bitch, he's mine.

The adorable brit thanked them, said they were top (What.) and walked out with the pretty blonde, leaving Michael in a puddle of self pity and envy.

"Umm...Michael?" Lindsay was holding a piece of folded paper in one hand, and a cluster of dollars in the other.

"What." she handed the small strip of paper over to him, smiling. He opened it, half expecting a crudely drawn picture of a dick. A string of numbers were written down in neat, organised handwriting over a small message.

Call me. Barbara. X

"Sound's like you pulled, Mr Jones." she waved at him gleefully and walked into the back of the cafe, laughing.

Fuck.

Chapter Text

"You have to call her. It's polite."

Lindsay had not stopped going on about Barbara since she had left. Michael was wondering how easy it would be to get away with murder.

"You know I'm not in to girls, right? I feel like we've been over this a few times."

"It doesn't matter, you still have to call her. Just tell her that you're gay, otherwise she'll keep waiting for you. And you can't do that to a girl." Her soft voice had turned a little rougher, and her cheerful eyes had become a little angrier. Right on queue, Ray sauntered over. A pile of cups lay around the table he had been sat at, where his attempt at building a pyramid had failed. Michael wasn't clearing that up.

"Ray, should Michael call that pretty blonde that came in earlier?"

"You got her phone number? You son of a bitch." Maybe he should try for double murder. Ray was definatly starting to ask for it.

"Am I the only one who remembers that I'm gay? Anybody?" Not that they were listening, at this point he could set himself on fire and they wouldn't notice. He let out an exasperated sigh, and dragged his tired body to the other side of the shop. His boss Geoff was filling out paper work and arguing with his wife on the phone about holidays and work and porn. They had weird arguments.

"Ok, honey I have to go. One of the smurfs wants to talk to me. The angry one. Okay. I love you too." Geoff was the last person you would expect to be a manager at a coffee shop. The man was so laid back he could probably laugh his way through liver failure, which was likely going by how much he drank.

"Why am I the angry one?"

"You threw a tray at me, you're lucky you didn't become the fired one. What's up with you?"

"Did you see that blonde chick who came in earlier? She gave me her phone number. Now those idiots are making me call her." he gestured at Ray and Lindsay, who had started throwing cups and small packets of sugar at each other.

"Oh waaa! My name's Michael and I get asked out by hot girls! Why does nobody understand how hard my life is? It's not fair!" Resisting the urge to grab the nearest serving tray and fling it at his boss's head, he clenched his fists.

"Okay, what do I do?"

"Simple. Call her, say thanks but I like dudes, hang up. Don't drag her along. That's just cruel."

"So do think he's going to call her?" Ray asked Lindsay, their fight with cups and sugar had died down to petty shoving.

"He'd better. If he doesn't I'm going to strangle him. You can't just drag a girl along like that. It's mean."

He threw the last cup at her, getting a hollow clup when it hit the side of her head. "How come I never see you with anyone?"

"I found someone. He was great and charming and handsome and funny and everything I wanted in a guy. He even liked Pokemon."

"What happened there?" Her entire face seemed to drop an inch. Her previously cheerful eyes had drifted over to where Michael and Geoff were sitting.

"He told me he was gay."

"Shit, Lindsay." he put one hand on her shoulder and the other on her back, and she just sat there against him for a second, like a small child that had been told Grandma was going to die. On the other side of the room, Michael got up from his seat opposite Geoff and walked back over to where and Lindsay and Ray were sat, awkwardly holding each other. Lindsay stood up from the table and excused herself to the bathroom, leaving Ray and Michael alone at the counter.

"I'm going to call that girl now, want to watch me fuck this up?" He held the piece of paper in one hand and a shitty cell phone in the other.

"Sure, wouldn't want to miss out on you self destructing over the phone." He flipped open the phone, and keyed in her number. Hoping for voicemail, he couldn't help but feel a little annoyed when she answered it sounding as happy as ever.

"Hey... It's Michael, the guy from Roosterteeth?" Ray leant forward in anticipation, waiting for the moment Michael screwed up. "I got your number and wanted to... Oh. That's very intresting. Okay, that's great. I'll get back to you on that, ok. Goodbye." he shut the phone and dropped it onto the table, smiling deviously.

"Well what?"

"She wasn't giving me her phone number."

Oh...

"She was asking out Lindsay." he managed through a grin that would make the Cheshire cat look like a sad clown.

"Dude Barbara's a lesbian."

Fuck.

Chapter Text

Ray paid attention. It was one of the reasons he always beat Michael's ass every Thursday night when they played Call Of Duty and Halo together. It was also why he was easily the best worker at Roosterteeth, and how he was able to pick up on other people's emotions easily. Namely Lindsay's.

"Isn't Lindsay straight though?" He seemed to know more about Lindsay's love life then Michael, and figured he would know if she was into chicks at all.

"Yeah, but don't you see what this means? She's into Lindsay, so I don't have to worry about this any more. That's a good thing."

"Except now Lindsay has to deal with it."

"So? She's never in a relationship, maybe she's secretly gay."

"...You're fucking dumb."

Maybe he didn't have much experience with relationships, but he was pretty sure the reason she was always single was because she was hung up on Michael.

And just like that, he was back in High School again, dealing with stupid angsty love triangles.

Lindsay had returned from the bathroom, dragging a greasey mop along the floor. "So did he call her?"

"He did. And-"

"And I'm taking her out to watch a movie tomorrow night."

Ray, who was not easily suprised or shocked, almost choked at that.

"I haven't been having any luck with guys, and I've never actually dated a girl, so fuck it. I may as well try it."

Ray really wanted to hit him. Instead, he turned to him, ignoring the voice in his head that was telling him to beat the man senseless.

"But Michael, don't you think somebody is going to end up hurt because of all this?"

Oh he really wanted to hit him.

"Nah, man. It's fine. This is probably going to be a one time thing any way."

Maybe he could get Geoff to hit him, Geoff would probably hit him if Ray asked.

"Besides, she's probably the hottest girl who's ever come through here. Right, Lindsay?"

Maybe Geoff would throw a serving tray at him. Poetic justice.

"Michael, I really don't think you should do this. This girl-"

"Barbara."

"This girl is probably going to end up getting hurt over this." Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Lindsay sinking into her chair.

"It'll be fine. Besides, it's not like I'm getting attention from anybody else recently."

You retarded son of a bitch.

Lindsay muttered something about clocking off early, and shuffled over towards Geoff. Now that they were alone, Ray grabbed Michael by the chest and forced him up against the wall of the serving area.

"Michael, what the fuck are you doing?"

"What! I'm meeting up with Barbara tomorrow, we're going to work out a way to get her with Lindsay. What the fuck is your problem?"

Barbara likes Lindsay, Lindsay likes you, you're gay and not interested in either of them. Why do you have to fuck this up?

"Nothing." he let his 'friend' go, and almost marched over to Geoff and Lindsay.

"Lindsay, I-"

"Don't say it, Ray. It's fine." She wiped a tear off of her cheek, hugged Geoff (Ignoring Ray) and walked out into the dark city square.

"What's up with her?"

"Michael is a giant cunt."

"Want me to throw a tray at him?"

"Not yet."

Geoff gave a tired shrug, and pushed all the paperwork into a large black binder. "I'm heading home. Are you two okay until the Morning crew get here?"

The morning crew-consisting of Kathleen, Miles, Kerry and Monty-wouldn't be there for another hour, and Ray wanted to go home.

"Michael will be fine on his own, he owes me one." he helped Geoff clear up the rest of the paperwork and walked out the door with him.

"I'll get Griffon to talk to Lindsay, maybe she can help." They bid farewell to each other, and Ray hopped the fence into his own shitty apartment block, feeling his phone buzz.

Hey man, I need you to cover for me while I'm out with Barbara tomorrow. M.

Fuck.

Chapter Text

Michael liked Barbara.

Not 'like liked' Barbara, he was still gay. But as people went, Barbara was a pretty cool person.

"So there's nothing going on between you two?"

"No, we're just friends. I'm more into guys." He kept trying to come up with ways to bring up Gavin, but every time he did Barbara changed the subject.

"Oh. What about her?" and he'd have to be deaf to miss the hope in her voice at that.

"She's straight, I think. But she never seems to date anyone so I could be wrong."

--

Ray hated alcohol.

He didn't have an abusive drunk father or anything (His life seemed like it was trying to be as uninteresting as possible some times) he just hated the taste, and the smell, and the way everything felt less real when you drank it.

He also wasn't fond of drunk people, but he didn't get to decide who drank what.

Drunk Lindsay was a shitty Lindsay.

She staggered in to Roosterteeth at around 11, clutching a bottle of vodka against her chest and singing George Michael songs. Geoff was juggling salt shakers in the corner, and Jack was busy trying to hide his cell phone under the counter everytime he got a text from Catty or Caiti or whatever her name was.

"Heeeeyyyyy Rayyyyyy. What're you doing heeere?" She managed between hiccups and garbled noises that didn't count as words.

"Hey, Lindsay. You seem cheerful."

"Oh, you know. I'm just drunk. I'm really drunk." As if he couldn't tell by her look, sound and smell. It was probably a good thing no customers were in there at that point. Michael had a point, why the fuck did they stay open all night?

"Lindsay, why are you here?"

"Oh, just looking for Michael. I was going to tell him, you know. This was going to the moment. But he's out with that dumb blonde bitch!"

Geoff dropped the salt and pepper shakers on the table and sauntered over to where Ray was consoling Lindsay.

"That girl is so much prettier then me. Geoff, tell me I'm pretty."

"You're pretty Lindsay."

"You're just saying that because I'm drunk."
--

Michael dropped Barbara back at her place at 11, and considered dropping in on Ray and Geoff. They were probably empty at the moment-they usually got busier after midnight when most of the people who were still working at this hour changed shifts-so they might appreciate the company.

Crossing into the parking lot, he noticed a familiar, dopey looking face walk out.

"Hey, you're Gavin right?"

The sandy haired man turned his head and narrowly avoided hitting a parked toyota next to him.

"Yeah, you're Michael?"

"Yeah, how did you know?" It was a serious question, aside from when he first came into Roosterteeth they had never really met.

"Barbara told me you were coming over, something about that girl you were with."

"Lindsay. Say, you're not... 'With' her, are you?"

"Nah, she's not my type."

"Blonde?"

Gavin let himself give a small grin at that.

"Female."

Michael waited for his heart to stop fluttering, and asked him if he wanted to go out for a drink.

"Sure, let's get bevved."

Michael didn't know what that meant, but it sounded fun.

--

After a heated game of Rock, paper, scissors with Ray and Jack, Geoff was left with the task of taking a very drunk Lindsay home. After enough struggle and man-handling for it to be technically classed as assault, he finally had Lindsay buckled in to the back seat.

"Geoff, do you think Michael's date went well?"

"I doubt it, sweetie." Ray had clued him in on the whole 'Lindsarbarachael' issue earlier, and figured somebody was going to end up fired any day now. After getting her in to bed and hearing enough jokes about her giving him a 'Tuggey' to give him a fear of hand jobs for life, he managed to get halfway home before getting a text from Gavin.

I met a hot guy, I'm bringing him back to yours. Stay out of my room. Gavvy xxx

Fuck.

Chapter Text

Michael never liked one night stands.

He liked sex, who didn't? But he was always left with a hollow feeling afterwards. Long story short, he wanted a relationship. Sort of like the one he had been faking with Barbara.

He rolled out of bed, abandoning the lovebite covered brit in a sea of duvet and pillows, and set about his exit stratergy. The first item on his mental list was getting his clothes together. He had left the majority on, around and under the queen sized bed, and gathering them together into a neat bundle was something he managed without waking up last night's lucky guy.

Next was getting dressed. He had two options; get dressed in the bedroom, and risk an awkward interaction if Gavin woke up; or leave the room and risk running into another family member. Mentally crying fuck it, he walked out of the messy bedroom, completely naked and bundle of clothes in hand.

And walked straight into Geoff.

"Hey, buddy." His boss was wearing a green bath robe with a hood shaped to look like the Master Chief's helmet. Lindsay had gotten them all bath robes for Christmas last year, Michael had gotten Banjo from Banjo and Kazooie. He didn't have it on at the moment, instead he was standing in front of his boss with his still half-on, half-off boner hanging between his legs.

"Hey... Boss."

"Get out of my house."

"Sure thing boss." He slowly backed down the hall, nudging open the door to what was helpfully labled as a bathroom and sending a prayer to some god or another that it would be vaccant.

When nobody screamed, and he managed to creak the door closed without revealing himself, he let out a long sigh/groan. He thumbed his way through his pockets, checking for his wallet, keys and phone.

8 new messages from Lindsay!

That was weird.

14 new voicemails from Lindsay!

That's fucking bizarre. A brief montage of car crashes, heart attacks and muggings played in his mind like his own personal horror movie. Just as he was about to open the first, Griffon stuck a hand through the door and pulled it out of his reach.

"Griffon what the-"

"Lindsay got drunk last night and started singing Madonna over the phone to everyone. I'm keeping a copy for blackmail, and deleting everybody else's."

She smiled deviosly, finished deleting everything Lindsay had sent and sauntered out towards her workshop.

"Did you delete it all?"

She found Geoff in his green bath robe at the mini bar in her studio.

"Everything, he won't have any idea what she sent. Tell me about the part where she gave you a Tuggey."

"She offered, I refused. I'm not that bad of a husband." He pulled a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels out of the fridge and poured it into a drinking glass. It was 10:30 and he hadn't had any alcohol yet, a blasphemy in the Ramsey household.

Michael awkwardly called goodbye through the front door, Millie started playing fetch in the yard with their new puppy, and Gavin staggered out of his room in a purple haze. His chest was covered in love bites and his back was decorated with nail marks. Brilliant.

"Did you know him?" he gestured, pointing in the direction Michael left.

"Yes, that's Michael. The angry one. He threw a tray at me." Geoff almost yelled.

"Are you ever going to let go of that?"

"Fuck off."

Ray's phone buzzed softly on the table.

We're getting coffee, meet me @ RT. M.

Fuck.

Chapter Text

At some point between reading Michael's text and arriving at RoosterTeeth, Ray had quietly decided to throw a tray at somebody.

He had a short list of potential targets written out in his head. Not Michael, he would beat the shit out of him. And not Geoff because he'd get fired. Ryan was too insane, Jack and Caleb were too nice to him, and Lindsay had a vagina meaning anything other then a five second hug would get him fired, get the shit kicked out of him, and probably get him some kind of criminal record for good measure. The only other potential target was JJ, who was normally too invisible to be worth noticing.

Today Ray was going to hit an almost stranger for reasons he still wasn't clear on.

"Why do we always get coffee here? We work here, why the fuck would we want to spend more time here?" Michael yawned, attracting the attention of the entire cafe.

"I don't know dude, you picked it. Can you just get me a drink?" Ray had come out in the same tan shorts and green too he had worn the night before. If he had to be here, he was going to try as hard as possible to make sure Michael knew he didn't want to be here. Michael didn't seem to notice, and came back with two cups of coffee and one cup of tea.

"The tea is for Gavin."

"I didn't ask. Wait, who's Gavin?"

"I don't know. I think he knows Geoff though."

"How come?"

"We had sex, and I woke up at Geoff's house."

"Oh. Oh, you mean that Gavin?"

"Am I the only one who doesn't know Gavin?"

"Yes, you idiot. He's Geoff's nephew for god's sake, he comes to the christmas parties!" Miles and Kerry had both sauntered over, ignoring a pile of dirty cups that had been stacked into a pyramid.

"What are you guys talking about?" Miles asked, slouched against a table.

"Michael fucked Gavin."

"Gavin Free?"

"Yeah."

"Awesome, nice catch bro." Miles and Kerry both fist-bumped Michael, a dirty cloth in Kerry's hand smelt like muck and honey.

"Wait, does Geoff know?"

"Yeah, but I don't think he cares. Wait, you knew him too?"

"Yeah, he was at Geoff's Halloween party dressed as a giant dick. Don't you remember? That cute girl he was with kept making puns."

Apparently Michael was the only person in the city who didn't know Gavin and Barbara until two days ago. He made a mental note to make sure nobody he knew was friends with Brad Pitt or Joel Heyman or one of those other annoyingly hot famous people.

"He's going to be here in like five minutes, then we're playing Halo at Ray's. Do you want to come after work?"

"Wait, we are?" Ray asked, frantically trying to get his phone out of his pocket.

"Yeah man, he wanted to meet you. We got drunk and started talking about guys."

"Fuck." Ray started frantically searching through his contacts, looking for someone who could help.

"We can't, we're working until you guys are on. We'll see you some other time."

"Alright, catch you later." Michael checked his watch, and looked out the window. "Oh shit, here he comes!"

Somewhere on her workbench, Griffon's phone buzzed.

Lindsay is drunk and asleep at mine, can you kick her out for me? Going there with Michael and Gavin soon.

Fuck.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Barbara woke up first, unsurprisingly. She managed to sleep through the worst of her hangover, not even waking up when Griffon had grappled her out of the car and dragged her up four flights of stairs up to a cheerfully painted apartment. The walls were painted baby blue, complimented by tasteful light fittings and a varnished hardwood floor.

If Barbara stuck with trying to get into TV, she could have been the next Martha Stewart.

The bed she was in was hard, and all the dust that decorated the shelves made the room seem old and deserted. After a few minutes of psyching herself up, she managed to crawl out of bed and stumble out of the spare bedroom. Griffon was in the living room, layed out on a tan sofa and wrapped in a red blanket with a bowl of popcorn. A large TV, way too big and expensive-looking compared for such a small apartment, was stuck to the wall and busy showing episodes of Doctor Who.

"Griffon? Why is my hair wet?"

"You had to take a shower." she replied, dropping popcorn into her mouth and massaging her neck.

"Oh. Wasn't I passed out?"

"I showered you. Trust me, you needed it." It was true, the smell of Lindsay's puke was still hanging around her, and one of her sneakers was still covered in bile and hamburger meat next to the front door. Griffon was never going to feel clean again.

"I'm just going to pretend that that's not creepy." Barbara sat down on the other side of the couch to Griffon, the older woman's feet on her lap. "Where are we?"

"Lindsay's apartment." On the screen, a skinny looking British man wearing a bow-tie threatened a camouflaged Dalek with a biscuit, while Winston Churchill smoked a cigar and ordered an old man with a robot arm to build something so they could destroy a spaceship that was hidden behind the moon.

This show would probably make more sense if she watched it.

"Why are we at Lindsay's apartment?"

"Because your apartment sucks, sweetie."

The apartment did seem pretty Lindsay-ish. Shelves full of DVD's and video games covered two walls, and a third was decorated with pictures of her, and what looked like her parents. On the center of the wall hung a framed picture of her, Michael, Geoff, Ray, Jack, JJ and Ryan. Lindsay was on Michael's back, with her arms around his neck and her legs around his stomach. Jack and Ryan stood on either side of the group with the same look of half-forced cheer, and Geoff stood in the center with a mix of joy and exhaustion on his face. They almost looked like a family.

"Why do Daleks have those big dumb lights on there head? Wouldn't that just add to the electric bill?" Griffon asked, finishing the popcorn off with one hand and nursing a bottle of beer with the other.

"You mean the Da-lektric bill?"

"Quiet, Dunkleman."

"More like Punkleman."

"Fuck off."

Lindsay woke up an hour later, the dry taste of alcohol and sick still hanging around her mouth and making her want to retch again.

Feet dragging behind her, she stumbled out of her bedroom and towards the kitchen, wanting to wash the bitter taste out of her mouth with milk or water or drain cleaner.

If she didn't stop thinking so depressingly, she was going to need therapy.

"Quiet Dunkleman."

"More like Punkleman."

And Barbara was in her apartment.

Fuck.

Chapter Text

"So..."

"Shut up."

"Ok."

Lindsay wasn't the best host. Griffon had gone home a few hours earlier, leaving a hungover Barbara and a miserable Lindsay alone on the ugly tan sofa in front of the TV.

"Do you care about him?" Lindsay said. The bags under her eyes and the obvious grime in her hair made her look at least ten years older, and the soft green blanket she threw over her shoulders made her seem hunched and crooked.

"What?"

"Michael. Do you care about Michael?"

"Yeah, I-"

"How much?"

"What?"

"How much do you care? About Michael."

"I don't know... What are you-"

"Shut up. Just shut up. Please, just shut up and don't hurt him. Or I'll kill you." She raised a fist to threaten her, her wrist hanging loosely and drooping her hand down toward the floor. It was hard to take someone in a cat T-Shirt as scary.

"I won't hurt him, I promise."

So Lindsay has a thing for Michael, that explains a lot.

"What do you mean there's a condom?"

"There's a condom. In your toilet."

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

Gavin grinned a little at that. "Is it used?"

"Probably, who the fuck tries to flush unused condoms down the toilet?" Michael came back with a stupid grin on his stupid face. "So who is he?"

"He?"

"The guy you slept with."

"I'm not gay, dumbass."

"How many times did you watch that shitty Joel Heyman movie? The one about him being death?"

"Fuck you, that movie is great."

"Aww, I didn't know you swung our way Ray." Cooed Gavin, ruffling Ray's hair like a kid.

"I don't!" said Ray, acutely aware of how over-defensive he was getting and how he had watched every Joel Heyman film at least 12 times.

"So it was a she?" asked Gavin.

"Yes."

"OK, who was she?"

"She was... Courtney."

"Courtney?"

"Who's Courtney?" asked Michael.

"That cute girl who I met at work. The artsy one."

"The one you broke up with six months ago?"

"Yeah..."

"Ray, you're a shitty liar." Michael laughed, going back to playing Halo with Gavin.

Fucking assholes.

Geoff came round a while later, around the time Lindsay felt she could swallow something again.

"Did you kids behave while Mommy was gone?"

"Yes, can I go home now?"

"Nope, Lindsay's making us dinner."

Lindsay, who was still curled up on the sofa, muttering under her breath about torture and murder and other cheerful subjects. "The hell I am."

"Yes, you are. Like it or not, you're know the most important people in Michael's life. And as a responsible adult-"

"Liar." They both mumbled.

"I have to stop you from killing each other until you learn to play nicely. So shut up and cook."

"Can't I just order pizza?"

"Fine, but Barbara get's to pick, and you can split the bill."

"Prick."

"I will fire you."

"You're a prick, sir."

"Better."

Michael and Gavin left a few hours later, thanking Ray for all the nachos and Taco Bell. Ray checked in the bathroom, annoyed to find the condom still floating there.

A used condom.

The one that he had used.

Fuck.

Chapter Text

After an hour of eating pizza and drinking 99 cent store cola with spiteful glares from Lindsay, apologetic looks from Barbara and annoyed sighs from Geoff, and two hours of all three of them quietly watching Space Jam while drinking strawberry milkshake and eating ice cream, Griffon arrived to swap shifts on babysitting with Geoff.

"I'd love to stay and watch more kids films, but I have to go to work." Lindsay griped, excusing herself to the bathroom.

"I'm sure your boss will understand, the amazing guy that he is." Came Griffon's reply, slobbing out on the sofa next to Barbara.

"Actually he's kind of a dick. Besides, I can't really afford to miss a shift. I have shit to pay for, like pizza and ice cream and lonely hearts ads in the newspaper and-"

"Blah blah blah, your life sucks, we get it." Griffon offered Barbara a ride home, and Lindsay offered Geoff a ride to work, and eventually the apartment was empty except the stale smell of pizza crusts and the sound of the tap that had been left running in the bathroom, spilling cold water out from the basin.

Arryn was used to waiting around for Miles after work, usually occupying herself with stacking cups into pyramids and talking to Lindsay while her adorable boyfriend finished dancing around behind the counter with Kerry. Being friends with both Barbara and Lindsay, she was the first person Barbara came to about her crush on the red-haired girl after the New Years party and the first person Lindsay had called at 3 in the morning on a Monday to drunkenly laugh, cry, sing and vomit about how pissed she was at Barbara. Good friends.

"Why the long face, Tuggey?"

"Why the stupid cat-ears, Zechy?" Lindsay asked, pointing at the expensive looking hairband she had on.

"Miles gave them to me, it was a sweet moment and you just ruined it. How do you feel about yourself now?"

Lindsay sat down next to her, ducking in shame. "I'm sorry, this whole Barbara thing is just... Fuck!" She punched the table, turning the impressive tower of cups into an ugly pile of debris.

"It's fine, I wasn't working on that either. What's with the stick up your ass?"

"What does he see in her? Why does he have to go straight for her? Why not me?"

"Well, she is pretty great in bed."

Lindsay eyed her carefully, waiting to see if this was leading somewhere. "What?"

"Barbara is a pretty good fuck, maybe that's why he likes her."

Lindsay knew Arryn was bisexual, had been with her at enough late night, cheap drinks and flashing lights nightclubs to have seen her get into some action with this girl or that girl. She had never tried anything with Lindsay, which was actually kind of disappointing.

But Barbara was bi too? This was news.

"I didn't know she was..."

"Into girls?"

"Yeah, that."

"Well, she is. Maybe Michael feels like he can relate to her or something."

Actually, Arryn knew that Barbara was completely gay, that this was all a bullshit, half-baked idea from Michael on how to get Lindsay and Barbara together, but that was the best reason she could come up with.

"So... You took Barbara to bed?"

"Yes."

"Think you could do it again?" The look in Lindsay's eye was a little too hopeful, and almost perverted.

"No! Well, maybe but why?"

"Because if you do, and Michael finds out..." A twisted smirk came across her face, and for a second Arryn was really, truly afraid for her friend.

"Then Michael will break up with her, and then Miles will break up with me. Sorry sweetie, but I'm too busy with my happy relationship to risk it all for a night with her. You want it done, do it yourself."

There was a long, awkward silence before Lindsay spoke up again.

"OK."

"What?"

"Alright, I'll sleep with Barbara."

"...What?"

Lindsay stood up, striding away from the table with a dirty grin. "Geoff, I need to do something. Cover for me?" Geoff waved a hand from the corner, quietly yelling into his phone about dicks to someone.

"Uh... Guys? I think I fucked up."

Ray had never been a drinker. After a few years of several of his High School buddies piss their lives away with cheap beer and liver damage, he had decided to avoid it whenever possible. Which was why when he did decide to get drunk an hour before his shift, it only took a few to put him down. He found his cellphone under the couch, and after several attempts he finally made his hands work for long enough to type in Geoff's number. Geoff answered on the third ring, complaining about being disturbed from his quiet donut eating at work.

"Geoff! I can't come to work, I'm a drunk. And Michael..."

Geoff sighed over the phone, and Ray was sort of proud for making his boss this annoyed.

"What about Michael?"

"We had sex."

"You had sex with Michael?" He laughed, amused.

"Noooo... Michael will hate me when he finds out."

"Finds out what?"

"I had sex with him."

"Him?"

"Gavin. I fucked Gavin."

Fuck.

Chapter Text

The drive to Barbara's apartment was not quiet. Griffon and Millie sat in the front listening to old country songs and singing as loud as their lungs could go, and Barbara sat in the back trying to block them out with a cushion she had taken from Lindsay's sofa.

"Barbie, why are you so sad?" Millie asked between screaming matches with her Mommy.

"No reason sweetie, you don't have to worry."

"But you're my friend, I have to worry."

Griffon half-laughed, half grinned at her daughter's innocence. "Barbie is having trouble with a girl she likes. It's nothing you have to worry about Millie."

"You mean, like boy-trouble?"

"Yeah, but with a Girl."

"I didn't know Barbie liked girls!" Millie laughed, surprised at the revelation. "I wish I liked girls, boys are ickey!"

"Even Daddy?" Griffon asked.

"Daddy's not a boy! Daddy's a grown-up!" She laughed. Barbara laughed with her, and Griffon chuckled a little at her daughter's adorably sweet nature, and then Millie and Griffon went back to screaming at each other over the music while Barbara tried to smother herself with a cushion.

Eventually, they pulled in outside Barbara's building and Millie and Griffon waved goodbye while Barbara asked the maintenance guy to let her in for the third time that week and explained that they shouldn't have bought keys that were small enough to lose. She showered, changed into her pajamas and had sat down on the sofa for maybe an hour before there was a knock on the door.

"Barbara! Open up, it's Lindsay! We need to talk."

Oh.

"What do you mean you had sex with Gavin?"

After an afternoon of babysitting two fully grown women, and an evening of babysitting 3 man-children and running a late-night coffee store, and now Ray getting drunk for the first time in his life and yelling about fucking Geoff's best friend, he was starting to get bored of these people's bullshit.

"He came round my apartment one night and we fucked!" Ray yelled, loud enough that the old man nearest to Geoff looked over and raised an eyebrow.

"I got that, but when? Why?"

"Last night, I think it was after he..." Ray trailed off a little, barfed, and spoke again. "I think it was right after he fucked Michael."

"OK, just go and lie in bed for a while and call me when you're sober enough to drive."

"No licence, can't drive." He drawled, and Geoff hung up. He keyed in Gavin's phone number, surprised that the dumb Brit even answered.

"Hello?"

"So was Ray a better fuck than Michael or not?"

"He told you about that?" Gavin yelled, and again the old man looked over.

"Yeah, he really seems to regret it so I guess that means you suck."

"Bollocks, bollocks! Does Michael know?"

"Maybe, if he doesn't then he will soon. And what do you care? You've known him for less than a day and half of that you spent naked."

"Shut up." He moaned. He shouldn't care if Michael knew, it had been a fling between them, nothing more.

"Tell me, why did you fuck Ray?"

"It's a long story..."

After dressing up in her sexiest casual clothing and make-up, drinking three pots of coffee and spending an hour outside rehearsing how to get Barbara into bed, Lindsay was finally ready to admit she didn't have a clue what she was doing.

The door swung open, and Barbara was stood in a set of revealingly cute blue pajamas with the words 'Knight-Knight!' written onto the chest over a pair of Medevil Knights in bed. The make-up had been washed off of her face, leaving a naturally beautiful face to shine through.

"Knight-Knight? Really?"

"What's wrong with my punjamas?"

"Seriously? Punjamas?"

"What? I like them."

Lindsay shook her head. "Listen, I know we had a few...disagreements earlier..."

"You tried to bite me."

"Like that. I just want too get off on the right foot, for Michael's sake." She held up a large, glass bottle. "I brought wine." She mumbled.

"Wine sounds great!" Barbara managed, leading her into the apartment by the wrist.

I am so not ready for this. So not ready, so not ready, so not ready!

Michael walked out of the café at around three in the morning, just in time to hear his phone buzz.

Ray: We need 2 talk. It's important.

Fuck.

Chapter Text

An hour of mental preparation, the sexiest clothes she could find and the half-bottle of vodka she drank before coming here had done nothing to make her feel less afraid. Afraid was an understatement, she felt like shitting a brick and breaking a window with it.

The walls were all painted a cold yellow. Photographs of family, friends and pets draped the shelves, the carpet was flattened and scuffed, the sofa was a tacky lump of cushions with a soft blanket thrown over it to hide the worst lumps and marks.

Barbara disappered into the kitchen to find wine-glasses, and Lindsay sat down on the edge of the sofa, staring at the large black television. The door to the kitchen squeaked open again, and Barbara came out carrying a pair of wine-glasses, her lips noticeably redder and more lip-stickier than when she went in.

"So are you really here to build bridges, or are you going to kill me?"

"Bridges, yes. Murder, maybe."

"Can we at least get drunk first?"

"I'll allow it."

It was almost four in the morning when Michael arrived at Ray's apartment. The Puerto Rican was shirtless when he opened the door, dark green shorts pulled up around his waist and beer stains splashed across his chest.

"Michael, you made it!"

"What the fuck, are you drunk?"

"A little." He walked back to his sofa, stubbing a toe on the kitchen table and falling in a heap on the couch.

"OK... Why are you drunk?"

"Because we had sex."

"We had sex?"

"No, WE had sex!"

"We? Who the fuck is We?"

"Gavin, I had sex with Gavin."

There was a moment of silence, and then Michael punched him off of the sofa.

"So..."

"More wine?"

"Yes please."

Millie couldn't sleep. The dog from next door kept barking, and her room was too cold for sleep. Millie had enough books piled under her bed to build a house out of, so when she couldn't sleep she would get Mommy or Daddy or Gav to read to her. Daddy was at work, and Mommy was asleep, so she picked up her favourite book and crept in to Gavin's room. The door squeaked like a mouse when she pushed it, and Gav looked up from his place on the bed.

"Gavin?"

He was in one of his moods, what Mommy called the Grumpies and what Daddy called the Bitchies. His eyes went from his phone to her, and back to his phone. "Millie."

"What's wrong Gav?"

He put his phone down, then picked it up and through it at the wall next to his trash-can. "It's nothing." He straightened up, and said "It's nothing serious, don't worry about it." He leaned over and ruffled her hair, and she giggled and tried to push his hand away. "Can't sleep?"

She nodded. "Mommy say's that if the dog next door doesn't stop barking she'll make it into a coat for me."

Gavin grinned, and helped her onto the bed. "Not even Mommy could make a coat out of him, he's too small. She'd be lucky to get a hat out of him."

"I don't want a dog-hat, that would look stupid."

"Imagine how the dog would feel, he has to be a hat."

Millie giggled, and Gavin giggled with her, and she leant into his side until they stopped.

"Gavvy, why are you so grumpy today?"

He tilted his head, and his face looked bright red. "I did a dumb."

"Was it a big dumb?"

"The biggest dumb ever."

"I don't know, you do a lot of dumbs." She giggled again, and he stuck his tongue out at her.

"This was a big dumb, and I think I'm going to get in trouble for it."

"Want to hide in my closet until it's over?"

"Maybe next time." He smiled, and she smiled back, and Gavvy picked up her book and started looking through it. "Another Princess story?"

"It's my favorite, it's about a princess who meets a talking horse and teaches him how to walk."

"What about the one with the princess who fights the monster in the closet?"

"That's my favorite too." He turned to the first page and started reading, and by the time he finished the second page she was snoring into the air like a foghorn. He carried her back into her room, and when he layed her out on her bed she smiled a little in her sleep. When he fetched his phone from the bin, he found a message from Michael.

*Get over here now, you little prick.*

Fuck.

Chapter Text

It had been an hour since Michael called Gavin. If he hadn't turned up yet, he wouldn't.

"This whole angry boyfriend thing has been interesting, but it's 3am and I need-"

"Shut up." He had kicked Ray onto the floor while he took the ugly couch, feet up on the coffee table. "Just shut up."

"I'm serious, I have shit to do tomorrow. Tina wants me to-"

"Shut. The fuck. Up." His fists were clenched on his knees, head down, eyes focused on the blank TV screen ahead of him.

"Seriously, I-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP."

"WHY ARE YOU ANNOYED AT ME?"

He didn't mean to yell, didn't want to. His head was still fuzzy from the piss-tasting alcohol and the thump on the head he took when Michael hit him. The apartment above him belonged to a nice old lady called Maggie, and he hated the idea of waking her up.

"What the fuck did you just say?"

"Michael, I-"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"

He tried not to yell this time, wanting to control himself. "I didn't know you had a thing for him, I didn't know you even knew him. You don't even have a thing with him, you just fucked each other one time. So stop acting like I betrayed you, because this is about you more than it's about me."

He stopped to breathe, surprised at how angry he felt. "I hate you, Michael. You're my best friend, and I love you like a brother, but you are one of the biggest assholes I know. Lindsay and Barbara, Jack and Caiti, you always have to involve yourself with every fucking thing anyone does! Why can't you just stop?"

He stopped again, eyes darting between Michael and the blank TV and his shoes. When enough time had passed for it to be awkward, Michael spoke again.

"I'm sorry."

"Just shut up and help me off the floor." When Michael had pulled him off of his ass and onto the sofa, he was almost done complaining.

"Seriously, why the fuck is Lindsay so in love with you?"

"Lindsay's what?"

"Fuck off."

He didn't want to keep Michael waiting, but then he wasn't exactly in a hurry to have his ass kicked either. When he finally convinced Geoff to chauffeur him there, he was half sure that Ray had already been beaten to death.

"I don't want to sound like a dick, but this is all your fault."

Geoff was still in the Master Chief pajama set that Lindsay had given to him last Christmas. His usually admirable mustache was bushy and unruly, and the bags around his eyes showed how tired he really was.

"How is this my fault?"

"If you hadn't slept with Ray, Michael probably wouldn't want to kill you now."

"We weren't even a thing when I slept with Ray, Michael came after." He checked his phone again, half-glad and half-disappointed to see that his battery had died. "I hooked up with Ray at that party at yours last week, he was curious and I was drunk. I was going to say hi to him when I met Michael."

"I'd tell you to explain that to him, but he'll probably kill you anyway."

"Yeah." He rested his head against the window, watching the world run by. "What I don't get is why the condom is still in his toilet a week later."

"Plumbing issues, he's been shitting at work for a week."

They parked at the curb, and Gavin walked up to the door of the building with a "Go get 'em, Tiger." from Geoff. He pushed the buzzer once, twice, then stood back as the door swung open to show Michael.

"Hi."

When Lindsay woke up, she was in a strange bed. Her dress was on the floor next to her, and her underwear was hanging loose off of her body. When she managed to sit up, she noticed Barbara at the end of her bed with a cup of coffee.

"Good morning sleepy."

Fuck.