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I played my phone and put it on shuffle as I walk around our street in this early morning.
As usual, nakasuot sa tenga ko ang earphones ko and I'm wearing some comfy clothes, kasi nga naglalakad-lakad ako, eh.
Bakit nga ba ulit ako naglalakad?
Ewan ko din.
... Nagpapahangin and waking myself up, I guess?
And wala namang pasok ngayon, so walang masama.
I walk down the street and feel the breeze as it touches my skin.
Masarap din pakinggan yung tunog ng mga dahon sa mga punong nadadaanan ko— they seem to be in terms with my music every single time.
In a few minutes, napagod na din akong maglakad at umupo na ako sa bangketa, realizing na di pa pala ako nagbe-breakfast.
Ipinahinga ko saglit ang paa ko at nang alam kong okay na akong maglakad ay nagsimula na akong pumunta sa may commercial place dito.
Subdivision ito but surprisingly, walang tindahan dito maliban na lang kung pupunta ka sa parang mall--ah i don't know how to describe it basta it's a mini mall.
"Why's there just one grocery store, in this town."
Pagha-hum ko ng lyrics ng isang kanta dahil related ito sa sitwasyon ko ngayon. I love to relate song lyrics to what's happening around me
"I was only tryna get some milk." Pagpapatuloy ko, nang nakita kong malapit na ako sa 'mall' kuno.
Napangiti ako dahil sa kadahilanang makakapag-almusal na ako pero bigla iyong nawala dahil may nakita akong isang pamilyar na kotse na patungo sa may nilalakaran ko (nasa parking lot kasi ako naglalakad)
"Look to my right, and I... Siya nga?" Pagputol ko sa sarili ko sa pagkanta dahil nakumpirma ng dalawang mata ko kung kaninong kotse ang nakikita ko.
It's him.
Hala, anong gagawin ko? nagpapanic kong tanong sa sarili ko habang minamadali ko ang lakad ko papunta sa mall.
"The last thing on my list was to see you around."
Ang weird lang na itong araw na ito eh tugmang-tugma sa kantang hina-hum ko.
Ang tungeks ko kahit kelan.
Act like you don't care.
Yan lang ang kailangan kong gawin.
So I sighed, and walked straight towards the store pero may biglang humawak ng balikat ko in the process.
I'm. Fucked.
"Yo!" Tawag nito sa akin habang hinaharap niya ako sa kaniya. At siguro dahil na din sa gulat ko, isang tipid na ngiti lang ang naibato ko pabalik sa kaniya.
What do I do now?
I'm stuck in this moment, with this particular person I want to see the least.
I.
Am.
Doomed.
"Huy!" Tawag niya muli sa akin, siguro kasi hindi ako nagrerespond in words. Tumingin ako sa kaniya, particularly sa mata niya, para makita ang itsura niya.
Nothing's changed.
Except sa label namin.
"Oh. You saying something?" Tipid kong sabi. Nakita kong parang lumaki ang mata niya sa sinabi ko
"Whoa, chill. Wala tayo sa klase. Di mo kailangang mag-english sa akin." Biro niya, inaawat ako sa pagi-english ko. Kunwaring hinawakan niya ang ilong niya at itinuro ito pataas, yung gesture kapag nagno-nosebleed.
"Nagdudugo ilong ko kasi, eh." Pagpapatuloy niya.
Natawa naman ako, pero hindi ko pwedeng ipahalata sa kaniya na malakas pa rin ang epekto niya sa akin kaya, tipid ulit akong ngumiti.
"Oo nga pala, anong ginagawa mo dito?" tanong niya bigla sa akin.
"Bibili sana ng breakfast ko." sagot ko nang hindi nakatingin sa kaniya.
"Talaga? Ako din sana, eh. Sabay na tayo!" aya niya sa akin.
Parang wala kaming past, ah?
Ganoon ba talaga kadali sa kaniya na kalimutan ako?
"Sige na, nakakalungkot din kasi kumain ng mag-isa, eh." pakiusap niya sa akin habang nagpapa-cute.
I clicked my tongue. How can I not resist your charms?
In the end, wala din akong nagawa, dahil hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at hinila ako papunta sa lugar na hindi ko din alam kung saan...
Which happens to be that fast food chain kung saan kami madalas magpunta noong kami pa.
Nananadya ba itong lalaking ito?
Tahimik lang ako the whole time habang siya e daldal ng daldal. Yes, nandito pa rin ako. Hindi ako nagpaalam na pupunta sa comfort room or something para makaalis kasi naisip ko, sayang yung pera kung ililibre din naman ako.
Teka, may sinabi ba siyang treat niya?
"Mag-order ka na. Kanina ka pa tulala, eh." I let out an awkward smile at nagsimulang tumingin sa menu...
Psst. Treat mo ba ito or no?
Pagdating sa foods, hindi ako tatanggi.
Hahahahaha—yeah... I'm mostly kidding.
Mostly.
"I forgot to say na treat ko 'to, since hinila kita dito ng labag sa loob mo."
"Good. akala ko ako pa magbabayad eh inabala mo na ako sa routine ko."
He let out a chuckle. "Hanggang ngayon mukha ka pa ring libre. Tsk tsk tsk. That's bad."
"Ngayon lang 'to. It's because I wanna catch up sa mga nangyari after, you know... our breakup."
Natahimik na kami after I said that, probably because me blurting it out made it awkward for the both of us. Nilikot ko yung singsing ko kasi I'm not comfortable sa air between us habang kasama ko siya sa pila dito sa counter.
After I while I've decided na maghanap na lang ng mauupuan kasi hindi ko na kaya yung awkwardness. It's killing me inside.
"Hey, hanap na muna ako ng mauupuan natin. You go and order. Hehe."
He flashed a smile and nod in agreement.
Umalis na rin ako sa pila at humanap ng upuan.
Medyo wala akong choice dahil maraming tao sa fast food na pinasukan namin kaya pumunta na lang ako sa unang mesa na nakita kong bakante.
I fiddled my phone out of boredom.
Malapit na kasing malowbat kaya hindi ako makapagpatugtog...
I sighed out of frustration. Kasama ko ngayon yung ex ko na iniwan ako sa ere, who wouldn't be frustrated?
Hindi ako manhid.
What am I even doing here?
I should get going.
Iwan siya kagaya ng ginawa niya noon sa akin.
Hayaan ko na yung libre, kailangan ko nang umalis dito, baka hindi ko kayanin—
"Huy." Tawag niya sa akin pabalik sa realidad. I just blinked back at him then look at the foods.
My tray consist of my favorites: chicken, fries and coleslaw.
Yung drinks eh iced tea without ice.
He still remembers.
Napansin niya ata na nakatitig lang ako sa pagkain kaya winagayway yung kamay niya sa harap ng mukha ko.
"Are you okay?" Tanong niya sa akin.
No, Of course I'm not fine, you silly.
I AM WITH MY EX, DUH. WHO WOULD BE FINE WITH THAT?
Tahimik na lang akong tumango sabay kuha sa tray ng pagkain ko nang hinawakan niya yung kamay ko para ihinto kung ano man ang gagawin nito- In this case, yung pagkuha ng pagkain.
"I know you're not fine. Tell me what's wrong." Binawi ko naman yung kamay ko sa pagkakahawak niya at nilapit yun sa akin. I cleared my throat to remind him of something.
"You're not my boyfriend anymore, are you?" Halata ko namang nagulat siya sa sinabi ko at sa harap ko ay nakita kong bumalik yung sarili niya sa "katinuan"
Kinda hurts, but effective.
"Oh.... Well, I just want to at least... Catch up?" Tinaasan ko lang siya ng kilay in response. Did he seriously thought I was serious sa sinabi ko kanina? I just said that-
He continued, "We're still friends naman, di ba?" He says with a slight smile.
This guy-
"There's nothing wrong naman sigur-" I cut him off
"I hate to break it to you. But when you left me hanging, you've cut off every relationship we had as well." Tinitigan ko siya after that.
"I have waited for half a year! Yet I didn't received any calls, or messages. You never showed up your face. I waited. And now I'm tired." I stood up and pulled my bag as I excused myself.
"Thank you for the food but I must go before we make a scene here." I said as I leave. Hindi na ako lumingon pa dahil matetempt akong bumalik at pakinggan siya.
I sighed when the restaurant was out of the view. Umupo ako sa bench sa labas ng parking lot and took a breather there.
It really was a mistake letting myself be pulled by that guy.
Huh. I realized, He never changed.
He's still stubborn and in denial of his mistakes.
I really thought he would at least apologize or say his side of the story.
I could have forgiven him on the spot.
Call me foolish, for all I care. It's just, I still love him. And I was willing to give him a second chance today.
But he wasted it.
I looked back for the last time and went home.
"Huy!"
"Ah!" Sabi ko dahil ginulat ako ng kaibigan ko. I didn't even realized that my mind went off to that day.
"Ano na namang iniisip mo?" I shook my head in response. Ayokong sabihin na yun na naman ang laman ng utak ko.
"Yung nangyari na naman ba sa kainan? Naku, it's been a week!" Sabi niya. Humarap siya sa akin at niyugyog ako sa balikat.
"Dudette, Let him go! He's not worthy of your time"
"Eh." I just shrugged my shoulder. It's not as easy as just saying it. Sinubukan ko na lang magfocus sa reviewer ko dahil may exam kami mamayang after lunch.
Tambay kami ngayon sa labas ng library dahil kami ang nakaassign sa corridor duty, and since there were only a few people passing by this place (the library is near the faculty-only part of the school), may chance kami to review.
I plugged my earphones to my phone and played some songs while reviewing.
For me, it's easier to memorise the terms that way kaya ayun.
After a while dumating na rin yung iba naming mga kaklase kaya pumasok na ako sa loob ng library to actually review without getting disturbed.
"Uy, narinig mo ba?" Tawag sakin ng kaklase ko.
"Andito raw yung ibang seniors natin."
"You mean yung kakagraduate lang, right?" I assured. Inirapan niya naman ako sa sagot ko.
"Duh! We're the seniors here now. Tayo pinakamataas na grade dito? Of course it's the recent graduates!"
Eh. Point taken. "Okay... What about them?"
"Di mo ba tatanungin kung andun siya?"
Oh, I forgot about that.
"Why would I?"
"Oh c'mon. Wag bitter! Tanungin mo na, dali!" Sabi niya at niyugyog niya ako in excitement.
Mukhang andun nga siya sa kumpol ng seniors.
"Oh come on ka diyan. I don't care anymore." Bumalik na ako sa pagrereview nang may kantang biglang nagplay sa phone ko.
It's Cimorelli's Fall Back.
The song na kinakanta ko nung naencounter ko siya. I paused it thinking that this is the sign that I will see him again.
Why is this song so accurate and relatable?
First yung nangyari noong last week.
And now what?
I'm not in a homecoming game, I'm in a library.
And it's Wednesday noon.
Look, I really don't believe in coincidences so clearly this song is a blessing and a curse for me.
Blessing because well, it's my most favorite song in their album...
Curse because of how I'm becoming a living embodiment of this fucking song.
After arguing with my own thoughts, I gave up trying to review and pulled out my tablet.
Fine, you're got me this time, I guess.
I went outside and I finally played the song to sing along with it. I looked over the terrace thing and saw no one so I thought umalis na yung seniors.
Well, I thought maybe they were just here to get their documents.
With the thought of that I started singing the song with genuine happiness in my tone ...
Until it came to that exact part.
My four eyes (I'm wearing glasses, fyi) couldn't fathom what happened.
Just as I sing the line "Look to my right and I couldn't believe" together with the audio, I saw him standing there in his blue polo shirt together with his batchmates.
I stood there in shock as I see him walk towards my direction, totally oblivious at the fact that I am standing here in the hallway with my left hand covering my open mouth and my right hand holding the tablet, still recording.
The song was still playing in my earphones and it was currently playing the second chorus.
I froze for what it feels like forever until I saw him looking at my direction. I looked away and do what makes sense with the adrenaline rush I'm having at the moment.
Run and hide.
I bolted towards the faculty building to get up to our room and hide there until it's examination time.
I only had my tablet and myself while I'm running.
Wala akong pakialam kung maraming nakakakita at nagtataka sa akto ko.
All I care about is I need to get away from him.
My thoughts went straight to contemplating my decisions.
Why am I even running? I'm not even sure what the reason was but at the moment I think it was the right move.
I hate how accurate this damn song is with what's been happening lately. I really do.
This song tell exactly what I feel and to be honest, I was torn between shouting this song at the top of my lungs so he could hear what me heart says
But it made me wonder if it will make any difference... So I just... ran.
Deep inside alam ko na kahit nakita niya na tumakbo ako, he won't chase me and call my name to make me stop.
Nakarating ako sa Fourth floor after running for almost a minute in full speed.
My adrenaline is still pumping as I open our classroom and sat down at one of our chairs to rest.
I wonder what he looked like while he was looking at me, though.
I decided not to glance back kasi aside sa baka maaksidente ako eh baka tumakbo ako pabalik para batiin siya.
But I felt his gaze as I run away from him.
That made my heart pound more than it should out of exhaustion.
"That was a power rush." Tumingin ako sa tablet and I realized na huminto pala yung kanta.
Maybe I paused it accidentally while I was running. I opened my tablet and it confirmed na na-pause ko nga.
I've decided to continue playing the song as I slowly accept the fact that this song, actually happened to me in real life.
I'm completely aware na alam niyang ako yun. His eyes aren't as bad as mine kaya I'm more than sure he recognized me.
And even though I hate to admit it myself, I know that again, he doesn't care anymore.
Besides, kasama niya classmates niya.
Will he prioritize me instead of his friends?
No.
And now I'm here, alone.
Listening to this damn song as I slowly realize to myself na lahat ng hinihiling ko na mangyari noon ay wala na lahat.
It didn't happen and it will never happen...
Ever.
While the song is playing in my earphones I decided to sing along to it again.
I think it's fine kasi ako lang naman mag-isa dito sa kuwarto, and all Grade 10 students are having their lunch break.
Hinihingal man, gusto kong i-let out yung nararamdaman ko through the song.
I will sing this words for him for the last time.
Pagtapos nito, I'll move on.
---
Saying the "But I just can't run from you" part made me laugh while singing it.
Because ironically, I did run from him.
But my heart was left behind there.
It made me wonder if he could feel it there as he pass by it.
Sana.
I clasped my hand as I secretly wish he does.
But will he pick it up? Will he search the whole school to give it back to me?
I doubt it.
I sigh as a lot more thoughts run into my head about what just happened.
To be honest, hindi ko pa napaprocess ng mabuti. It hasn't sunken yet.
Hay. Ang gulo ng utak ko.
I'm still in this loop of recalling what happened.
Aasang darating siya -> titigil -> malulungkot -> cycle repeats.
But one thing is for sure.
I still love him.
I really do.
And even though I hate to admit it, I just know that...
Whatever happens, it will just take me one good move
To fall back to him.