Work Text:
"You sure you want me to read this now?" He said as I lay on my bed, him holding my hand tight while looking at the letter on my bedside table. I smiled sadly as I answer his question,
"Yeah, for you to know everything."
I can see him grab the letter and starts to unfold it for him to read the contents inside.
Hindi niya alam na ang papel na nakatiklop eh more than one paper so nalaglag ang natitirang mga papel. I giggled as he reached for the papers on the floor.
"Yes. That contains more than one sheet of paper, mahaba-haba kasi, eh. Sorry. Hehehe."
Tinignan ko ang tatlong papel na hawak ng kamay ko at hindi ko pa man nababasa ay parang may karayom na tumutusok sa puso ko.
"Arin, I don't think I can read this." Parang babae man tignan, pero nagsimulang bumagsak ang mga luha sa mata ko habang ako'y nasa harap niya, still not accepting the fact that she might die while I'm reading this letter.
"Shh." Narinig kong sabi niya habang kinuha niya ang mga papel sa pagkakahawak ko at ibinalik ulit iyon sa bedside table niya,
"Don't cry. Just read the letter loudly for me, please?" Sabi niya habang hinihimas ang likod ko.
You don't know my pain because it's you who's going to leave, not me.
And thinking about that fact makes me want to go with her, wherever she's going.
Sobrang sakit.
"Just imagine that you're reading me a bedtime story."
"Arin, hindi ito ganoon kadali. You'll be gone sooner that I ever imagined! Can you just expect me to feel alright?" I shouted while she was there, stoned with the sudden outburst that I am currently having.
"Hindi ganoon kadaling tanggapin na yung taong pinakamamahal ko, yung babaeng sinandalan ko, ginabayan ako, sinamahan at inintindi ako for all these years, ay iiwan na pala ako!"
"I understand. Dude, please--"
"No, you don't. Kasi hindi naman ikaw yung maiiwan, Arin."
"Ako. Ako yung iiwanan mo." Pagkatapos nun ay nangibabaw ang malakas na iyak sa kuwarto. Hindi iyon galing sa akin, kundi sa kaniya na mismo.
"Dude, I'm sorry! Sorry......" she said between her sobs.
"Hindi ko alam na hanggang dito na lang pala ako. Hindi ko ito ginusto........."
"I'm sorry for putting you through this pain. You don't deserve this... You don't deserve me."
Kahit na galit at nasasaktan ako ngayon, mas pinili kong abutin ang nakahiga niyang katawan at yakapin siya, kasabay ng pagbagsak ng luha sa aming mga mata.
"Sorry..... I'm so sorry that it has to end like this."
"I really didn't mean it.... Even I didn't expect us to end like this." She said as she cried, while holding me in her arms.
Kahit naman ako, ayoko siyang mawala.
Siya na lang ang mayroon ako.
"Pero... Wala naman tayong magagawa, di ba?" Binitawan niya ako at pinaharap sa kaniya. I shaked my head as an answer, and she hold my face with both of her hands.
"We have to accept the truth, even if that truth hurts us, a lot." I nodded quietly, even though I don't want to accept this truth.
She wiped her tears and smiled,
"So... Let me read you my letters, yeah?" Kinuha niya ang tatlong papel na nakalapag sa bedside table niya. Inunfold yon, at nagsimula na siyang magbasa.
Dear Mr. Dimmhardt,
Hello? Hahahahaha. So, hi, my love. I'll give you this letter when the days of my life is slowly closing. So, yeah. I made you aware naman siguro that when you read this, it's my last day of living, right? I wrote this last night so that it wouldn't appear as scripted. Umm, let's start with this letter, shall we?
Ayoko nang magpaliguy-ligoy pa. Let's proceed.
So, I'll start with thanking you... I don't know for what, specifically so I'll say that I want to thank you for everything. I hope that you could accept this truth... Hindi man ngayon, but soon. I know that it takes time but I believe in you. I trust you. And I know that you can.
Actually, the time I knew about my deadline, ikaw agad ang una kong naisip. Kasi, this time it wasn't the one I love that broke the promise. It's me, who's actually breaking it. By expiring. By perishing. And I'm sorry for that.
Do you know why I chose you, out of all people that I want to be with for my last 15 days? Gusto ko kasing makabawi sa iyo. All the times that we've been through, all the lies, all the secrets. I want to make it up with all the times I hurted you. Hindi man iyon big deal sa iyo but it is for me. All the times that you said sorry, all the times that you cried inside. I can still remember it, and I can enumerate this one by one in front of you, but I know that I'm running out of time.
Remember the ring you gave me as a late first month gift? It's still with me through the years. I may not wearing it but whenever I have doubt in myself, I'll just wear it and remember your line. Na... 'It's us now, and we are no longer alone'.
But thinking of the last line, we will be alone once again. You will be alone, once again. Because of me.
I want to be with you on my last fifteen days in order for me to leave you the best memories I can ever give.
Huminto siya sa part na iyon, na ipinagtataka ko.
"Sorry." Aniya, saka siya biglang napangiti. I was dumbfounded because I saw her smile.
I mean, nakakpagtaka lang kasi....
She smiled?
And it's not a sad one, it's her real smile.
"While I'm reading this, saka ko narealize na napaka-cheesy pala ng mga naisulat ko dito." Saka siya natawa.
Hindi ko alam kung matatawa ako dahil sadya naman talaga siyang mais, o maiiyak ako dahil eto na yung huling pagkakataon na makikita ko siyang ganito kasaya (at ka-mais). But in the end I didn't choose at my options but instead I just enjoyed every moment that I can see her like this.
She clears her thoat and held up the papers again as she continue reading...
The first day, you still didn't knew right? You only knew the truth noong dumalaw tayo sa dati nating school, sa room na naging witness ng halos lahat ng mga nangyari.
I also proposed to you there, right? The funny thing was, I almost forgot my main objective at that day. Naalala ko lang noong dinukot ko yung panyo sa bulsa ko at nakapa ko yung box.
It sounds weird to you still, huh? I can imagine you cringe at this particular part, kasi ikaw dapat gumagawa nito. By nito, I mean the proposal, but still I was the one who did it. Sabi ko na kasi sa iyo, ako yung lalaki, eh.
"Oo, wala ka nga lang genitalia." Pagtutuloy ko sa sasabihin niya sa sulat. Ngumiti ulit siya at nagulat naman ako ng bigla niya akong pinalo sa braso.
"Paano mo nalaman! Ang daya...." She pouted childishly as she laughed at it right after.
"Kilala mo talaga ako. Sobra."
"It's because I love you, sobra.." napangiti siya.
"May kinalaman yun?"
"Meron. Kaya basahin mo na yan, malayo-layo pa tayo sa huling papel." Sabi ko at tumingin naman siya sa binabasa niyang papel. Binaba niya ulit iyon na ipinagtaka ko.
"I love you, too. So much." Sabi niya, habang nakangiti. Iniangat na ulit niya ang papel at nagpatuloy sa pagbabasa.
But seriously, I want to know how you feel the time I did that. I want to know if you became gay at th--just kidding. But I seriously want to know why you said yes.
Also, Remember our wedding day? It might not be like what you're visualizing us to have but at least, we're married. In papers, and in church. And it's all legal- it's with the permit of both of our parents.
It may be the simplest, but having a garden wedding near the beach was the best of all weddings I can ever imagine.
I won't deny na isa iyon sa pinakamasayang araw ng buhay ko but,
That was the first two days of the last 15.
The rest of the days are pretty normal. We did fulfill most of the things that we wanted to do in our own bucket lists. You got your day with your whole family, I got a day with my own. We traveled to different places, you bought me my favorite flowers, we got a day to bond with our best of friends together, and too much more that I can't enumerate them anymore.
Let's just say that each day with you wasn't a waste. Afterall, that was my last days so why not make the most of it, right?
Right.
Remember the day that I first talked to you? The time I asked you at what school you're from? Or the time I pulled you outside to ask you some questions, then you told me things to make yourself look weird, but boy you don't know who you're talking to... Yet.
Remember the day we made that infomercial? Or the day that I got sick before my contest? Or that moment when you almost hit me with the ball at your volleyball practice? I hope so.
Also remember that day when... When the whole class--even the teachers starts to tease both of us for being too close and concern for each other...?
I have feelings for you eversince that time. Probably you're tired hearing the same story but I'll never get tired of telling you this story... The story of how I denied my feelings for how many times, and for how long, that even everyone knows that we do have feelings for each other, I still played it safe.
Like I said, I gave up on denying by the time you offered your hand for me to hold when I was scared of your dogs.
What I wasn't telling you is for how long I've had feelings for you... Well, I wasn't sure until I remembered how you cared for me that time when I attended the class with a fever.
Yeah, that was one month after the class started but for my heart, time doesnt matter. I just... I honestly don't know now.
Weird, right?
People might think I'm crazy with this kind of personality but you came in and became one of the few people who can accept me for what I am.
And I thank you for that.
I actually want to enumerate some things, important things or points that I should be thankful at you.
First is your effort. Your surprises probably failed some (let's be real, it's most) of the time---
"Hey! Kahit naman yung mga surprise mo nagfe-fail din, ah? Saka kaya lang naman yun pumapalya kasi--"
"Magaling akong manghula?" She sweetly asked. I shook my head,
"No, kasi pala-tanong ka. At kapag iba naman response ko, iba na ibig sabihin sa iyo."
"So, magaling nga akong manghula." Pilit niya.
"Palatanong ka lang talaga, Arin." I said as I brushed her hair.
"Sige na, ituloy mo na iyan." Tinignan niya ako with questioning look in her eyes.
"What? I want you to finish the letter...... at least." I said and urged her to continue.
Your surprises probably failed some of the time, nakikita ko naman yung effort mo to make it happen, despite my curiosity and questioning towards you. Kahit nabuko na, I never expect when you'll give me the surprises. Kagaya noong ring natin, I was just happily dancing to DDD when you came in my room, pinalapit ako then sinuot mo sa akin yung ring.
You don't even knew how happy I am at that time. I wanted to cry of happiness, because I don't know how to, and I want you to be the reason why I cried of happiness.
Second, your kindness. Kahit sabihin mo na nahawa ka lang sa akin or something, I won't believe that.
Kasi, di ko lang sinasabi but my instinct says a lot about the people around me. And my instinct says "I'm interested in this person." I definitely saw your kindness first, and that's the main reason why I fell for you. Sadyang in denial ka lang talaga, sir. Hahahahahahahaha.
Last, your love. Your love for me is enough for you to stay this long. Your love that can accept me for who I am. Your love that can wait patiently.
And your love, that I'll feel until my last breath.
I may be perishing away, but don't ever forget that once in your life, you met this weird person whom you love until her last breath.
As I pass away, I want you to start anew and live a happy life. I don't want you to be miserable for the rest of your life. I want you to enjoy, have fun, and be happy, even when I'm gone.
I'll pray to Him to guide you to that path. Kasi kahit atheist ka, alam ko namang andyan pa rin Siya para sa iyo. Hahahahahaha. Akala mo talaga kung sinong religious na tao itong nagsulat nitong letter, eh ano? I think I'm gonna puke.
Just kidding.
But seriously, I don't want you to be miserable when I'm gone. I want you to be as happy as you can. It will take time, yes. But by the time that happens, I will be still by your side, and I'll be also happy for you.
But don't forget me, ah? Don't ever forget this weird girl that you didn't expect to love this much. Na ilang beses mo ding dineny sa sarili mo throughout the months saka mo narealize that there's no use.
I want you to know that as I die, I'll take our memories with me, the good and bad ones. Alam kong medyo maikli lang but three years is enough for me to feel our overflowing love that can last till the end of unknown.
And a little commercial, WHOA. This has been three sheets of paper? Holy cows. Hahaahaha. Sorry ah? Madaldal na likas ang asawa mo, eh.
Ang sarap sa pakiramdam na tawagin ka bilang asawa ko, but I feel sad because I can only call you as my husband for a short period of time.
And dahil paubos na ang papel, I want you to look at my eyes as I drop these letters for me to say...
She gave me the letters as we look into each other's eyes, me wating for her to say those words I long to hear, even if she said it a million times.
"I love you, so much. My love for you will never end because you're the only one I love to this extent. Alam kong alam mo na iyon but I'll never get tired of saying those things to you. Kahit sa huling hininga ko, hinding-hindi ako magsasawang sabihin na mahal kita, higit pa sa buhay ko.
My love, always be happy, ah? But don't forget me when that day happens.
I wish to have a family with you, I can't deny that. I want to raise our kids with you but I have no choice but to walk on this path.
"I love you, my love. Until we meet again. Goodbye."
Five Years Later...
"She really wrote her last lines here, huh?" Sabi ko habang binabasa ang huling salita sa kaniyang sulat.
I can't believe that a girl can write a letter that's three sheets long. Sabagay, uso nga pala ang carpet letter sa generation namin.
All these years, Arin. Hindi kita nakalimutan. At hinding-hindi kita makakalimutan.
I sighed as I watch the sun sets sa exact spot sa seaside kung saan ako nagconfess, mga about seven years ago.
"You're the only girl who made me feel this way. You're the only one."
"And no one can replace you in my heart." I said as I sadly look at the beautiful view.
She adores this view the most, and it's been her dream to watch this with me.
"Dude, I hope you can see this view right now..."
"Of course I am, silly." A voice from my back answered.
Lumingon ako and there she is, standing behind me in a white dress, holding a life-sized bear at her left hand, na napanalunan niya sa booth dito sa Mall Of Asia while holding a cute creature on the right.
"Hello my dear Sophia!" I said as I lift the child papunta dito sa may platform. Natuwa naman ang bata pagkakita ng view na tinitignan ko kanina. I smiled and shook my head.
"Naku, mana na sa iyo itong anak natin. Mahilig din sa view ng langit at sunset."
"Aba, malamang! Ako nagluwal, eh!"
"Hoy, hindi mo iyan mabubuo mag-isa."
"Nadevelop siya sa tiyan ko."
"Di yan mabubuo ng wala ang cell ko."
"Hindi makakapasok yang cell mo kung di mo pinasok!" Naiinis niyang saad,
"Di naman makakapasok kung di mo binigyan ng permiso." I said as I wear my victory smile. Nakita ko siyang nag-pout at hinampas ang braso ko.
Natawa na lang kami parehas sa kalokohan namin.
"Sophia, you like the view?" She asked our child as she climbed towards the spot. She remembered about it just now and it's evident in her eyes.
"Dude." Panimula niya,
"Is this the same spot where you confessed?" I nodded, and I see her eyes twinkle. I saw her face our daughter as she starts to speak.
"Sophia... This exact place that we're sitting. Dito nagtapat yang tatay mo about his feelings for me." Nagsimula na siyang magkuwento sa anak namin ng mga nangyari sa araw na iyon.
By the way, I thought five years ago that after she said her last words is patay na siya (because she closed her eyes, probably out of exhaustion na din), so I cried and hugged her for as long as I can remember, and I unknowingly slept in her arms.
Na-realize ko lang iyon the next morning when someone's waking me up at nagulat ako na hindi kung sino lang yung gumigising sa akin, kundi siya mismo.
Siya na ang akala namin ay maglalaho na dito sa mundo by the time that Christmas Day arrives.
I can still remember her sweet voice waking me up on that day, saying "Good morning, my love. Merry Christmas." directly to my ears.
That was one of the greatest gifts I can ever have.
Also, Sophia is our child and she's 2 years old. And the other greatest Christmas gift given to me is her announcement, three years ago, that she's pregnant.
I know, I know that we're too young, she almost died at 18 (and now she's 23), but Sophia came into our lives and I think it's a sign given to us to start anew.
To start our own.
But don't worry, we're still studying. Home school nga lang. It's better than nothing, right?
"Alam mo ba na ang panimula niyang tatay mo eh "hanggang friends na lang ba talaga tayo?" Eto namang si nanay mo eh gustong magpabebe kaya pinaulit-ulit ko sa kaniya yung tanong, hanggang sa umamin na yang tatay mo na may nararamdaman siya sa akin." Sabi niya habang proud na proud akong asarin sa anak namin.
Nakisabat ako sa usapan nila, "Oo nga, eh. Ano nga ba sabi mo nun nung ipinagtapat ko na may gusto ako sa iyo? Na hindi mo lang ako gusto, because ,"it's something deeper"?"
"Ano ba yan! Kaming dalawa lang ni Sophia nag-uusap dito! Wag kang epal!" Puna niya sa akin habamg naiinis na hinahampas ang braso ko. Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya para pigilan ito sa paghampas sa akin. Lumapit ako at binantaan siya ng pabulong,
"Nananakit ka, ah. Humanda ka pag-uwi. Ikaw naman sasaktan ko and at the same time, you'll be pleased." I said as I smiled devilishly.
Walang nagawa si Arin kung hindi mag-pout (that means na suko na siya sa pang-aasar sa akin), which I found cute, as always.
"Let's enjoy this view, shall we?" Sabi niya at lumingon sa view namin ng sunset. Tumayo naman ako at nagpagpag ng pantalon.
"I'll buy foods for us. Nakakagutom ang pagtingin sa view habang nakakaamoy ng pagkain sa paligid, eh."
Habang nag-aantay ako na maluto ang pagkaing inorder ko at tinignan ko ang mag-ina sa malayo. Nagtaka ako ng kinuha ni Arin ang phone niya at parang may tina-type siya doon. Nagulat naman ako nang mag-ring ang phone ko, realizing that she's dialing my number.
"Hello?"
"You wanna know why our story is still untitled?" Napahinto ako sa tanong niya.
Of course, I want to know.
"Of course, you do. You gave me that question on our first year anniversary, right?" Tinawag ako ng nagbabantay sa stall na pinagbilhan ko ng pagkain dahil luto na ang inorder ko.
I assembled my earphones and connected it to my phone para hindi ko na hawak yung phone ko while walking back towards our spot.
"By that time, di ko pa talaga alam kung ano yung gagawing title, since the time that you're still in denial it was Meme-denial because you're a meme--I mean you love memes and you are in denial. And meme-denial sounds a lot like in-denial that's why I chose that trend. But for now..."
Lumingon siya at nakita niya ako na papalapit. Pinatay na niya ang phone call at inantay akong makabalik.
"I'll repeat my question, do you want to know the reason why our story is still untitled?" I nodded as a response habang nilalapag ang pagkain sa semento. (Dont worry, may lalagyan ang mga pagkaing inorder ko so it won't get dirty, also it's obvious, come on now.)
"It's because I wanted to name it at the day that I'll die but it didn't happen so..."
"So...?" I asked. Nakita ko naman siyang ngumiti at lumingon kay Sophia, na hanggang ngayon ay tuwang-tuwa pa rin sa view.
"Now I want our child to name it for us."
She turned her gaze towards me, only for her to see my shocked reaction but she didn't mind at all.
"It's probably not now, but soon enough, when she remembers the stories I've been telling her about us someday, I'll think she can come up with a title better than what I think it should be."
"Because right now, I don't think it's a decision I have to make." Pagtatapos niya sa speech whil looking at me, still smiling.
"That's okay.." panimula ko,
"Pero kung ako bibigyan mo ng chance na bigyan ito ng title, I'll say that I want this to be entitled "Christmas Miracles" kasi the day that you lived was Christmas day, and the day you announced na magiging tatay na ako was also on Christmas day."
"Pwede, pwede. Pero kagaya ng sinabi ko, wala na sa kamay natin ang desisyon." Sabi niya at sabay naman kaming tumingin kay Sophia na yakap-yakap ang teddy bear na napanalunan ni Arin.
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
"So much?"
"So much."
I pulled out the ring na nakatago kanina pa sa bulsa ko, held it in my hand while keeping it hidden when I faced her
"Arin.."
"Yes?"
I kneeled as I pulled put the ring to propose.
"Happy Seventh Anniversary, my love. I'm hoping that there are many more to come but first, let me do this formally."
"I know that you'll say yes but I still want to ask..."
"Will you marry me, again?"
"At dahil sinabi mo na I'll say yes, I'll say no." Pang-aasar niya sa akin.
"Mapantrip ka na naman, eh." Patampo kong sabi sa kaniya at akma nang tatayo, dahil narealize ko na nakaluhod pala ako dito sa seaside and maraming tao ngayon because it's Saturday.
"Ah, sige na nga. Yes."
"Napilitan ka lang, eh!"
"Hindi, ah. By the way, naka untie ang sapatos mo, hinila ata ni Sophia." I looked at my feet and they're both untied.
Tsk. Pinagbintangan pa si Sophia. Inabot ko ang sintas at sinimulang buhulin ito nang makarinig ako ng palakpak at sandamukal na 'yes' galing sa asawa ko.
I looked up and I saw her genuine smile.. Which I am blessed enough to see it again.
"I knew it." I said as I finished tying my shoelaces.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Why didn't you stopped me then?"
"Wow, you really expect me to stop you, huh? Di ka naman nagpapaawat."
"Oh. Yeah. Thanks for remembering anyways."
Silence.
"Dude. My answer is yes."
"Eh?"
"Ayaw mo? Magpopropose ako sa ibang lalaki, sige ka!"
"Ay, di naman, nagulat lang ako."
"So, another wedding, eh?"
"Yeah."
Another silence filled our atmosphere.
Inakay ko si Sophia at Arin gamit ang kaliwang braso ko at inilapit sila sa akin.
"I love you, my miracles. The love of my life."
"I love you too, so much."
We happily watched the sunset, hoping we get the happy ending of a chapter that we all deserve.