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In the Wilson-Barnes household, physical touch is second nature to them.
It's a life line, an unspoken prayer that they promise to stay, a confirmation they are alive and here, and that's all that matters. But more specifically, it's the feeling that they are present, the thump thump from a heart or a pulse that keeps them going. A hand over the heart, an ear to the chest, hands to wrists, the whole nine yards. Sam really blames Bucky for it, he always has a hand on Sam's heart. But Sam can only say so much, because he wouldn't want anything more but to wake up and see his husband listening to his heartbeat.
Their family is in a risky line of work, they put themselves on the line of death every time there's a mission, and sometimes, after all the smoke is cleared, seeing with your eyes that your family is alive is not enough, you need the contact. It's their way of showing love.
It's all Peter’s known.
-
They just finished a mission and this one was particularly rough. Peter got hurt pretty badly, a nasty kick to the ribs and a small concussion later, Sam is ready to ban Peter from missions altogether and chain him to his bed.
“Dad, Bucky, I'm okay! I promise! You know I'll be fine by tomorrow, this is literally nothing.” Peter says from his bed in Medbay. Bucky had insisted they take him to Medbay despite Peter claiming he's fine. If you thought Sam was a mother hen, you've yet to meet Nurse Bucky. He’s the world's strictest nurse. But Sam has no qualms about it and sits at Peter’s bedside, hand over Peter’s heart.
“Peter, it's just to check everything will heal normally, you can’t be too sure.” Bucky says from behind Sam. Bucky runs a soothing hand up and down Sam's arm, they can’t stand to see Peter hurt, and it breaks Bucky’s heart. He places his hand over Sam's brachial artery on his upper arm to ground himself, letting himself relax as he feels Sam’s blood flow through his arm.
“Bucky is right, although I'm still convinced you should stay overnight.” Sam says as he rubs small circles over Peter’s heart. Peter has his hand on Sam's wrist, feeling his pulse.
“It's ironic coming from you Bucky, considering you literally refuse to go to Medbay after missions.” Peter says sarcastically.
“Hey, there's only room for one reckless person in this family, and it ain’t you pal. You know you come first, Pete.” Bucky says with a fond smile.
This mission was a rough one and they’re all a little shaken up. It's the contact that keeps them rooted, the thump thump. They don’t even notice that they do it half the time, this picture of them, hands tangled on pulse points to know that they are okay.
“Yeah well, you guys matter too. You guys come first for me too.” Peter says, smiling up at his parents. Peter has an unwavering love for his family. It’s one thing that Sam always taught Peter, family comes first.
“I know Peter, I just wanna keep you safe. Today was… a lot and when I saw you get kicked down, I thought-“ Sam gets choked up and Bucky is right there for him, he crouches down to meet Sam’s eyes, hand sliding from his arm to his hand.
“Sam, sweetheart, we’re all right here, we're okay. You know I would never let anything happen to either of you.” It's true, Bucky was right there for Peter, he took Peter into his arms and got Peter to safety and Sam swears he fell in love with Bucky for the second time when he saw him save Peter.
“I know I just, I love you guys.” Sam says as he wipes his eyes. Bucky's grounding presence rejuvenated Sam, he feels stronger.
“I love you guys too.” Peter says watery eyed. Gripping Sam’s wrists over his heart.
Thump thump
“I promise you guys I'm okay. Bucky was right there.” Peter says, trying to ease his dad.
Sam looks into Bucky’s eyes lovingly “I know he was, and I should've been there too. I'm sorry Peter.”
“What are you sorry for? You were busy being Captain America! You literally saved the day!” Peter exclaims off his bed.
“Im never too busy for you Pete, mission or not.” Sam knows he’s being a sap but can you blame him? His family is too beautiful to not to cry about.
After a thorough check that Peter was okay, Peter was clear to leave Medbay. Sam was still convinced that Peter should stay the night, but with Bucky’s gentle hand guiding him out, he gave in. They were all tired, there was no point trying to fight it.
After a copious amount of takeout, literally enough to feed a small army, the night falls and the Wilson-Barnes household considers the day a success.
Right before Peter turns in he texts MJ, he hadn’t got to text her before the mission started and well, he missed her.
mj<3
10:38 pm
Peter: hey mj :) ik we didn’t get to talk muchs today cause the mission:(
MJ: omg ur alive
Peter: yes im alive and very well thank u very much
MJ: well is an overstatement, ik u have that concussion
Peter: bro how do you know that????
MJ: i talked to sam duh
Peter: bro what
MJ: why would i not talk to sam
MJ: ur constantly in some shit
Peter: uh idk i never thought about that and i think im gonna cry omg
MJ: ur just like him
Peter: anyway do u wanna come over tmr night ??
MJ: ya ofc
Peter: :)
MJ: get some sleep peter ik ur tired
Peter: but i wanna talk to u
MJ: go to sleep peter we can talk tmr :0
Peter: ok i love u mj :)))
MJ: love u too :)
MJ was right, Peter knocked out as soon as he turned his phone off, they knew each others every thought, they complete each other, and he’ll get to see his other half tomorrow.
-
MJ walks through the door and Peter lights up.
“Hey MJ!” Peter exclaims. He's beyond happy to see her.
“Peter, I can see the bandages under your shirt, are you sure you didn't need to stay in Medbay longer?” MJ says as she walks through the door.
“Why does everyone want me to be bedridden!?!? Damn, my dad told you everything.” Peter finds it endearing that MJ and Sam talk. It warms his heart like nothing else in the world. “I promise I'm fine. You know it's gonna be healed by tomorrow.”
“True, but I know that when it comes to injuries you take after Bucky, you could be missing an eye and would still pull that ‘I’m fine’ bullshit.”
“You know me too well, MJ.” Peter says with a fond smile. It's true, MJ knows Peter like the back of her hand, and he knows her the same.
They move to the living room to start Shrek 2. It might've been Peter’s 50th time watching the movie but it was comforting, and that's exactly what Peter wanted.
Peter emerges from the kitchen with a bowl of buttered popcorn with no salt (MJ hates salt on popcorn) places it in her lap and plops down next to her. Peter almost immediately melts next to her, taking in her scent, her warmth, her presence. His head still hurts from the mission and MJ’s warmth is curing it. Peter curls into MJ's side and places a hand over her heart, tapping out her heartbeat.
Thump thump. Thump thump.
Thump thump. Thump thump.
The soothing melody makes Peter feel safe. His brain clears from the fog of the day and everything he’s been holding, MJ is right here and he can feel it. He can feel the blood pump through her body as it wraps its steady rhythm around Peter.
Thump thump. Thump thump
It's the sound of home.
Peter starts to drift off halfway through the movie when MJ looks at Peter quizzingly.
“Uh, whatcha doin, Peter?” MJ asks.
“What? I’m doing nothin’.” Peter doesn't even realize he’s moved his hand to her wrist feeling her pulse.
MJ and Peter look down at Peter's hand at the same time.
“Oh. ya know, I’m just making sure you’re here.” Peter says nonchalantly.
“Peter, I am here.” MJ looks at Peter with confusion.
“I know, but I'm just feeling that you're here here.”
Peter had never done this around MJ. It was something his family did, but to Peter it was everyday life.
“Do you not do this?” Peter asks
“No, I’ve never done that, nor have I seen you do it really. Do you do this all the time to people?” MJ doesn't mean any harm, but it was just jarring to see Peter grab her wrists and check for her pulse like she was a dead body.
Peter starts word vomiting, “Well no, I mean, my dad will like to check my heartbeat and so does Bucky, but it’s not weird or anything. Or like, I’ll check his pulse and stuff sometimes but- well do you think it's weird?”
Peter is starting to get nervous, he doesn’t understand why something so simple would make her feel like this.
“Well, I don’t think it's particularly normal, but-”
“How is it not normal MJ? All I did was check your pulse?”
“It's whatever, I don’t care if you do, I just have never seen you do it.” MJ has this unreadable look in her eyes that Peter can’t make out. It's like she's trying to read past his brain and into his soul to get an understanding of him.
“Well you're looking at me like it's not normal.” This is all Peter’s ever known. It's his way of showing love and she rejects it. “Just say you think it's weird.” Peter says sternly.
“I don’t tho-”
“Just say it-”
“No-”
“Say it-”
“Peter, why are you acting like this?” MJ asks.
“Acting like what? A freak? Is that what I'm acting like?” Peter is getting worked up and possibly projecting, one of the agents during the mission had called him a freak… and that hurt Peter more than a kick to the ribs.
“Peter, you’re making that bullshit up. I never thought that, what the fuck?” MJ is beyond confused.
Peter stands. “Whatever, It's fine MJ. I didn't mean to weird you out. I guess it’s not particularly normal. I’m sorry.” Peter walks off into the kitchen leaving MJ stunned.
MJ can’t figure out why the hell he just blew up like that over this? It's not like she was judging Peter for it, it just caught her off guard. MJ knows Peter’s life is very different from everyone else’s, and Peter said he’s making sure she's here and he thought that she thought Peter was a freak. Who the hell told him that to make him believe that. Just as MJ was trying to put together the pieces, Peter comes back in from the kitchen holding sour patch kids, her favorite.
“Let's just finish the movie, yeah?” Peter says as he sits back down.
“Yeah, that’s fine Peter. Cool.” MJ says awkwardly. What the hell is happening?
Peter doesn’t lean back in to listen to her heartbeat. Or her pulse.
The rest of the movie is tense, and they both say their awkward goodbyes, and Peter doesn't even feel like himself. Peter knows he’s weird and a freak but he thinks he just ruined one of the best things in his life.
Shit.
As Peter made his way to his room completely engulfed in his thoughts, Bucky passed him in the hallway.
“Pete, you feelin’ okay? You look green, Where's MJ?” Bucky's face and voice are full of concern. Bucky looks one second away from calling Sam who’s probably resting in his room after yesterday's mission. The last thing he wants to do is to disturb his dad with his bullshit.
“I’m fine, Bucky.” Peter brushes off his feelings and makes a beeline for his room,
“Peter, wait-” Bucky grabs Peter’s wrist lightly feeling his pulse, “Are you okay?” Bucky asks with so much sincerity it hurts.
Peter pulls away like he’s been burned, completely speechless and goes to his room, leaving Bucky completely lost.
-
Peter feels like the biggest asshole in the world.
It's been two days since his last hangout with MJ and he feels like shit. The rest of the night was extremely awkward, MJ said she had to get home soon and left an hour early, which Peter knows isn’t true considering her dad doesn’t even care if she’s out late. He knows he shouldn't have lashed out like that and he was being immature, but damn it it broke Peter’s heart.
Why would she not want his love? Why would she denounce his affection like that? Peter can’t wrap his head around it, this whole thing is making him question everything he’s known about love and safety his whole life. At this point, Peter is ready to just stop giving affection. It's obviously weird and not normal, so he’s done doing it.
Peter continues to stew as he bites into a ham sandwich, (courtesy of Bucky) when Sam walks into the kitchen and wraps his arms around Peter from behind.
“Hey Peter, why do you look pissed off at the world? You're taking after Bucky I see.”
“I can hear you, Samuel,” Bucky calls from the living room.
“You know it's true, James!” Sam says half heartily as he warps an arm around Peter, listening for his heartbeat.
Thump thump. Thump thump.
Thump thump. Thump thum-
“You don’t have to do that.” Peter says as he shoves Sam away.
“Whoa Pete, do what?” Sam looks completely bewildered, like he doesn’t even realize what he did.
“That thing, listening or feeling for my heart. I’m right here, you don't have to do it.”
“Peter, I don’t understand-”
“You do it everyday, after every mission, hell, even if I just come home from school, you do it and, its- its annoying!” Peter doesn't even believe the words he's saying as they come out his mouth, his mind and heart are at battle.
“Peter, I’ve done this as long as I can remember, I didn't know it bothered you.” Sam says with a little hurt in his voice. The same hurt MJ had in her voice.
“Well, it does. Just stop.” Peter's voice cracks and he's on the verge of tears.
“Peter, what's wrong?” Sam on impulse reaches a hand out, and Peter abruptly gets up and walks out.
“Peter, Stop! I'm sorry!” Sam calls out, but Peter is gone up and away to his room. Bucky walks in a second later and goes to Sam.
“Sweetheart, I think there's something going on with Peter” Bucky heard the whole conversation but he didn’t want to interfere. Bucky knows he’s very much a part of the family, but every now and then he can’t help but step back, he doesn’t wanna step out of place.
“What do you mean?” Sam’s face immediately started to darken.
“Don’t jump to the worst conclusion! I think it has something to do with him and MJ. She left early last night and Peter looked completely spooked when he went into his room. I tried to talk to him and I grabbed his arm, just to check his pulse, and he completely freaked out.” Bucky can’t help but feel like he fucked up. He should've just given Peter space instead of trying to pry-
“Buck, I can see you spiraling, it's not your fault.” Even after all these years, that reassurance from Sam never fails him.
“Sam, I don't know, but I think something happened.” Bucky's face has softened, coming back to earth with Sam.
“But what? What did we miss? He just said he hates when I listen or feel for his heart, which I never do.” Sam confessions.
“Sam, you definitely do that.” Bucky says.
“No I don’t! When have I ever done anything like that!” Sam exclaims.
“Sam, you're literally holding my wrists right now.” Sam looks down and sees his hand squeezing Bucky's wrist half to death with nerves.
“Shit! What the- damn it Bucky, this is your fault!”
“Now wait a minute Samuel, what did I do?” Bucky has no clue where Sam is going with this.
“You’re the one who always used to put your ear to my heart whenever we were out!” Sam remembers one time they were waiting in line at the farmers market and Bucky, nonchalantly, steps in front of him and leans down and places his ear to Sam’s heart. Just out of nowhere, not caring about anything else, and Sam didn't put up an ounce of a fight.
“I didn't think it was a problem, why wouldn't I do that? I love you.” Bucky says, like it's the most obvious thing ever.
“I love you too! And Peter! I never knew it bothered him like that. We should just give him space, he’ll come to us when he’s ready.” Sam knows his son, he can only keep quiet for so long.
“Of course sweetheart.” Bucky’s gaze softens at Sam. It hurts to see him stress, but he loves his kid so damn much it makes Bucky’s heart swell. “Wait, did you say you used to put your ear to your heart? I still do that.” Bucky was almost hurt that Sam thought he didn’t.
Sams heads to the living room. “I never said you don’t do it anymore, just not as often.”
Bucky walks into the living room and grabs Sam to pull him close. Bucky presses his ear right to Sam’s chest.
“I’ll never stop doing it, Sam.” Bucky says earnestly.
Sam wraps his arms around Bucky and closes his eyes, “I hope you never do.”
And they stand there, Bucky listening to his favorite melody.
-
Peter’s been in his room, face planted into the mattress since he freaked out on his dad. This shit is so stupid. Peter doesn’t even wanna face his dad or Bucky, but how can he explain to them how he feels? He doesn’t even know if MJ likes him touching her, let alone that she would be willing to be around him. Maybe what he did was weird, but he doesn’t want to stop doing it. Everything he said to his Dad he takes back, Peter doesn’t want to change everything about himself, he likes himself. So fuck it, He gets up and storms into the living room. He spots his dad and Bucky curled up on the couch and Peter goes to them and curls right up next to Sam.
“Don’t ever stop listening to my heart, I'm sorry” Peter says earnestly.
“Peter, what-” Sam starts, but he’s cut off by Peter, who’s word vomiting.
“MJ thinks I'm weird. I mean- I did the heartbeat thingy where I was tapping out her heart and she got weirded out and she thinks I'm a weirdo and I flipped out on her and I'm the biggest dick in the world and I'm a thousand percent sure she’s breaking up with me.” Peter lets out a huge breath. That had been resting on his heart for a minute.
“What? Why the hell would you say that Pete? Why would she break up with you?” Bucky jumps in.
“Why wouldn’t she! I’m telling you it's over.” Sam is rubbing soothing circles over Peter’s back, and Peter is sticking to Sam’s shirt for dear life. Literally.
“Ok, well have you talked to her since?” Sam asks calmly.
“Uh.. no? Should I?” Peter couldn't bear talking to her. “Maybe I'll talk to her next month! I just wanna give it time.”
“Next month?” Bucky questions softly, “Pete, that's way too long. MJ doesn't seem like the type to not understand… unless she is?” Bucky says worryingly, the last thing Bucky wants is Peter stuck in some relationship where Peter is walking on egg shells, waiting for them to freak out.
“Well, do you think she thinks I'm weird?” Peter asks Sam.
“I don't think so, Peter. I mean sure, she probably thought it was off putting but like Bucky said, I don't think she would break up with you. That's pretty harsh.” Damn it. Curse his dad for always being right and knowing exactly what to say.
Peter looks up at Sam, “I'm just scared, I don't wanna lose her. Without her I'm not complete, I mean what am I gonna do? Oh god, I can't do this-” Peter starts hyperventilating and Sam is right there.
“Peter, I promise it’ll be okay, and if it's not, then that means it wasn't meant to be.”
“Wasn’t meant to be? That's terrible!” Peter exclaims.
Sam backtracks, realizing he's sent him spiraling again, "I'm not saying that will happen! I’m just saying if it does, which it won’t, then maybe she doesn't understand you. Sam says solemnly.
“But she does understand me, dad.” Peter feels like he wants to melt into the floor. How could he fuck this all up?
“Then you got nothin’ to worry about, Pete.” Bucky says apologetically.
Peter lets out a deep breath. “Ok, invite her over tomorrow, but you guys can’t be in the room! You'll freak me out.”
“Don’t worry Pete, we’ll let you have your privacy.” Bucky says. Bucky is now holding Sam's unoccupied hand, they are a tangle of limbs and it's the perfect scene.
“C’mon, I'll order dinner. How does jambalaya sound?” Sam asks.
“Oh god, I love you so much, dad. Thank you guys, seriously.” Peter snuggled deeper into Sam as Bucky went to turn on Star Wars.
Peter can’t believe he ever said no to this.
-
mj<3
9:59 pm
Peter: hey mj
MJ: hey Peter, i missed u
Peter’s heart shattered into a million pieces, he couldn't keep hurting her anymore than he already did.
Peter: i miss you more than you know
Peter: do u wanna come over tmr? Its totally ok if u dont want to
MJ: peter, i wouldn’t want anything more in the world than to see you
Peter: :)
Peter: ill see u tmr mj. I love u<3
MJ: i love u too peter
-
Peter can’t breathe. MJ is coming in like a minute and he wants to throw up! This isn’t even that serious but it is at the same time. He asked Bucky if he should get MJ anything and he said “Well Pete, you can't go wrong with flowers.” So Peter got her a bundle of Geraniums, her favorite, she looks so beautiful with them, wait, what if she was in the mood for another flower!? Oh fuck, he should’ve had backup! Ok, if webs to the closest store he’ll make it back-
The doorbell rings.
Shit.
Ok! Just say the speech you practiced and everything will be okay, Peter. Here goes nothin’.
Peter opens the door and sees MJ standing in the doorway.
“Hey, MJ.” Peter moves to let MJ in and she takes a cautious step into Peter’s space.
“MJ, I am so sorry if I hurt your feelings or-” before Peter could finish his speech, MJ dove into Peter’s chest and pressed her ear to his heart.
“Don’t ever stop doing it, Peter.” MJ says earnestly.
“MJ-”
“It was never weird, you can never be weird to me, Peter. I love you, and I mean that.” MJ closed her eyes as she listened to Peter’s heart.
Peter stood there frozen with flowers in his hand and tears welling in his eyes. He felt like his other half had come back. Peter pulled MJ up softly.
“Don’t worry, I never will.” Peter says as he pulls MJ to the couch. Peter puts the Geraniums on the coffee table and sits down with MJ. Peter wraps himself around her and happily puts his ear to her heart. It’s like he was made for this. For taking care and loving her. Peter should've known from the start that MJ would never abandon him, and he’s glad he’s come to his senses.
“I know I already said it but I'm sorry. I love you so, so, so much. I’m sorry I flipped out on you. I just got so scared that you thought I was a freak.” Peter needs her to know this. To know he loves her more than anything.
“Peter, you're not a freak, stop calling yourself that. Everyone is different and there's nothing wrong with that.” MJ states matter-of-factly.
“I know, but it's hard not to feel like it. I guess I was just scared of losing you.” Peter knows his dad would be so proud of him right now.
“Well guess what, you can’t get rid of me that easily. I’m stuck to you.” MJ clings around Peter.
Peter chuckles purely, “Yea well, I’m stuck to you too, literally.” Peter sticks himself to MJ for good measure.
They're a tangle of limbs and it's perfect. Sam and Bucky were definitely not around the corner listening to make sure it went well. Peter keeps his ear planted to MJ’s heart and there Peter sits, listening to his favorite melody.
Thump thump.