Work Text:
It’s currently one a.m. Outside, it’s completely dark, clouds covering the beautiful sky full of shining stars that can barely be seen through them. The city is still awake despite the late hour, with occasional cars passing somewhere in the distance and their headlights briefly illuminating the streets before disappearing again. Inside the firehouse, however, everything is much quieter than it usually is during a shift. The 118 has a twenty-four-hour shift, which started thirteen hours ago at twelve, and after so many hours of calls, paperwork, food and coffee, everyone is starting to feel the exhaustion slowly catching up with them. They’re sitting in the loft, most of them sipping on another cup of coffee, trying to stay awake even though they all know they should probably be sleeping if they get the chance.
Buck has been staring outside the window for what feels like forever, holding an empty cup in his hand that was just a while ago filled with double-shot espresso. He doesn’t even remember drinking it. His eyes are fixed on the dark sky, but he isn’t really looking at it anymore. His mind is somewhere completely different, going over the same thoughts that have been bothering him for weeks. He knows he should probably stop thinking about it, especially while they’re at work, but he can’t. No matter how hard he tries to push it away, his mind always finds its way back to the same person.
Eddie.
He already knows he’s in love with him. Oh, he deeply knows. There is no point in trying to convince himself otherwise anymore because he has been doing that for far too long. At first, Buck had told himself that he simply cared about Eddie because they were best friends. Then he told himself that he was just protective of him because they worked together and because Eddie was important to him. But somewhere along the way, those excuses stopped making sense. Buck doesn’t look at his other friends the way he looks at Eddie. He doesn’t notice every little thing about them, doesn’t remember every tiny detail about their lives, and doesn’t feel his heart jump whenever they walk into a room. Eddie is different, and Buck has known that for longer than he wants to admit.
The problem is that Eddie is straight, and that complicates everything.
Buck really wants to tell Eddie. He wants to finally sit him down and tell him everything that has been sitting inside his chest for so long, because keeping it all to himself is becoming harder with every passing day. He wants to tell him that every time Eddie smiles at him, his entire day gets better, that he thinks about him far more than he should and that sometimes just being around him is enough to make Buck feel like everything is okay. But at the same time, he is terrified of what could happen if he actually says it. What if Eddie doesn’t feel the same? What if Eddie looks at him differently after that? What if he becomes uncomfortable around him? What if their friendship changes? What if Buck loses the one person he absolutely cannot imagine losing?
“Is it better to speak or to die?” he thinks to himself, staring at the reflection of his own face in the window.
To speak? What if he does actually speak, tells Eddie how he feels, but Eddie doesn’t feel the same way? What if those three words completely destroy everything they have built together? Their friendship, their trust, the way they can talk about almost anything without worrying about being judged. Buck can’t risk losing all of that just because he can’t control his own feelings.
But then again, to stay silent?
What if he keeps his feelings forever and lets them eat him from the inside out? What if he spends years pretending that everything is fine while secretly wishing Eddie would look at him the way Buck looks at him? What if he never says anything and one day has to watch Eddie fall in love with someone else while knowing he never even gave him the chance to choose? Is that really better?
Buck doesn’t know.
He doesn’t even know if there is another way. Is it possible to get rid of that feeling? Could he somehow force himself to stop loving Eddie? He knows the answer before he even finishes asking himself the question. No. The only way to stop loving someone would be to stop caring about them, and Buck could never stop caring about Eddie. He couldn’t hate him, either. Even if he tried, even if Eddie somehow broke his heart, Buck knows that he would still love him. That’s the worst part. There doesn’t seem to be an escape from it.
What if—
“Buckley! Watcha thinking about so deeply?”
Buck’s thoughts are suddenly cut off by Chimney’s voice. He blinks a few times before turning his head toward him, almost surprised to find himself still standing in the loft. He quickly puts on a smile, the kind of smile he has perfected over the years whenever someone asks if he’s okay and he doesn’t want them to worry.
“Nothing much, just work stuff, y’know?” he says, giving Chimney a slight smile.
Chimney looks at him for another second, almost as if he’s trying to figure out whether Buck is telling the truth, but eventually he nods and lets it go. Buck waits until Chimney turns away before quietly letting out the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. He turns back toward the window, hoping nobody noticed anything strange about him, but then he feels someone’s eyes on him.
Eddie.
Eddie has been watching him.
Buck knows that look immediately. Eddie knows when Buck’s smile is real and when it isn’t. He knows when Buck is genuinely laughing and when he’s pretending to be okay because he doesn’t want anyone to worry about him. Eddie looks at him for only a few seconds, but those seconds are enough for him to realize that something is wrong. The spark in Buck’s eyes that Eddie loves so much is missing, and even though Buck is trying his best to hide it, Eddie can see straight through him.
Eddie stands up quickly and walks over to where Buck is sitting. Chimney notices him coming and, without needing to be told, quickly gets out of there, deciding that giving those two a moment alone is probably the best thing he can do. Eddie stops beside Buck, looking down at him with a concerned expression.
“Hey, Buck?”
Buck lifts his head so he can look into Eddie’s eyes. Just seeing him this close makes his heart beat faster, which is exactly what he doesn’t need right now.
“Yeah? What’s up?” Buck asks, trying to sound casual.
“Well, I think I should be the one asking what’s up,” Eddie says, sitting down beside him. “I can clearly see something is bothering you. You know that you can talk to me if you need help. I’m always here for you. I’ve got your back.”
Buck looks down at his hands. Of course Eddie has his back. He always does. That’s exactly why this is so difficult. Eddie is the person Buck trusts more than anyone, the person he can tell almost anything to, and yet this is the one thing he can’t bring himself to say.
“Eddie, I’m fine, really,” Buck finally says. “And I know I’ve got your back, and I’m thankful for that. And you know you’ve got mine too, right?”
“Of course,” Eddie says without hesitation.
Buck looks at him for a moment, and for one tiny second he thinks about telling him. He could do it now. He could just say it. He could tell Eddie everything and finally stop carrying it around alone. But before he gets the chance, the alarm suddenly goes off, filling the loft with noise and immediately pulling them both back into work mode.
Buck stands up and walks closer to Eddie, giving him a small pat on the shoulder.
“We better get to work. We have lives to save.”
Before Eddie can say anything else, Buck turns around and heads toward the fire pole. A second later, he’s sliding down it, leaving Eddie standing there with a small smile on his face. Eddie shakes his head because, of course, Buck chose the pole. He always does. If Buck has a choice between taking the stairs and sliding down the fire pole, there is absolutely no doubt which one he’ll choose. Eddie thinks it’s probably because Buck believes it makes him look more dramatic, even though sometimes taking the stairs would be much easier. It’s silly, but Eddie loves that about him.
Eddie takes the stairs while the rest of the 118 gets geared up. Within minutes, everyone is sitting in the fire truck or ambulance, ready to respond to whatever is waiting for them.
“So what do we know, Cap?” Chimney asks as they drive.
“A huge pile-up on the freeway,” Bobby explains. “Driver of the truck lost control over it, which led to it crashing into other cars, which crashed into other cars. Station 129 is already on scene, but they need our help.”
“Oh, that is gonna be a hard call,” Eddie says, looking toward the others.
“Yeah, you’re right,” Buck agrees quietly.
Eddie looks at him again. There is something about Buck’s voice that bothers him, but before he can ask what it is, they arrive at the scene.
When they get there, they are shocked. They have already dealt with multiple pile-ups before, but this one is different. There are cars everywhere, some of them completely smashed into each other, while others are sitting at strange angles across the freeway. Emergency lights flash across the dark road, illuminating the smoke and debris scattered everywhere. People are shouting, firefighters are moving from one vehicle to another, and paramedics are already treating several injured people. For a moment, Buck simply stands there and takes it all in before Bobby’s voice brings him back to reality.
“Alright, listen up, everybody! Buck and Eddie, take care of that Jeep and BMW on your left.”
“Got it, Cap!” Buck immediately responds before heading toward the vehicles with Eddie.
He doesn’t listen to what his captain is saying later. At this point, he wants to focus on saving the people in front of him. Whatever was bothering him at the station can wait. There are people who need help, and that’s what matters right now.
“I’m gonna head to the BMW, you go to the Jeep,” Eddie tells Buck.
“Alright!”
Buck immediately heads toward the Jeep, which is standing not too far away from the BMW. He carefully approaches the vehicle and looks through the window, checking for anyone who might be trapped inside. He finds only one person, a woman sitting behind the driver’s seat. She looks frightened and confused, but thankfully she is conscious.
“Hey, miss, can you hear me?” Buck asks, crouching beside the vehicle.
“Y-yeah,” she answers weakly. “What happened?”
“You’ve been in a car accident. I’m a firefighter, and we’re going to get you out of the car, alright?” Buck says calmly, trying to keep his voice reassuring despite the chaos surrounding them. “I need you to tell me if you can wiggle your toes.”
The woman moves her feet carefully.
“Yeah, yeah, I can.”
“Okay, that’s good. I’m going to stabilize your neck, alright?”
“Yeah.”
Buck carefully stabilizes her while the team works around the vehicle. He keeps talking to her, asking simple questions and reassuring her that they’re going to get her out. Eventually, they manage to free her safely. Buck helps transport her toward the ambulance so the paramedics can check her over more clearly, and only after he knows she is in good hands does he turn around and start looking for Eddie.
He finds him near the BMW.
Eddie has already gotten a man out of the vehicle.
“Take care of the man!” Eddie screams. “I’m gonna go back for his kid!”
Buck nods and stays with the man while Eddie returns to the damaged vehicle. He watches Eddie carefully as he reaches inside, knowing there is still a child trapped somewhere in there. A few moments later, Eddie emerges with the kid, carrying them away from the damaged car and toward Hen.
They transport both patients to Hen so she can check them out, and Buck turns around when he hears his name.
“Buck! I’m going to head to the BMW to check one more time if it’s clear!”
“Alright!”
Buck looks at Eddie as he walks away, watching him disappear toward the vehicle. Something about it makes Buck uneasy. He doesn’t know why at first. Maybe it’s instinct. Maybe it’s the fact that he has spent so many years working beside Eddie that he has learned to recognize danger before he can consciously explain it.
Then he sees it.
Smoke.
It’s coming from the vehicle.
Buck’s entire body freezes for a second.
Then he smells it.
Gasoline.
His stomach drops.
“EDDIE!”
Eddie turns around at the sound of his name.
Buck doesn’t think. He doesn’t stop to consider whether he is overreacting or whether someone else can handle it. He simply runs toward Eddie as fast as he can. When he reaches him, he grabs his arm and pulls him back, putting himself between Eddie and the vehicle.
The explosion comes almost immediately.
It is huge.
The sound is deafening, and Buck barely has time to understand what is happening before the force of it throws both of them backward. Everything becomes a blur of noise, smoke and movement. Buck feels himself losing his balance, and the next thing he knows, he lands on top of Eddie.
For a few seconds, he can’t hear anything except a high ringing in his ears.
He slowly lifts himself up, blinking through the confusion, and immediately looks down at Eddie.
“Eddie?”
Eddie blinks up at him.
Buck’s heart is pounding.
“Are you okay?” he asks, his voice rough.
Instead of answering, Eddie suddenly looks furious.
“Are you crazy?! What were you thinking, Buck?!”
Buck freezes.
“I—I…”
He doesn’t know what to say.
“You could’ve died!” Eddie shouts.
“But you—”
“Let’s go back to work,” Eddie cuts him off, standing up.
Buck looks at him in confusion.
“But we will talk about it later,” Eddie says before walking away.
Buck stays where he is for a moment, completely speechless. He doesn’t understand. He had seen the danger. He had reacted. He had saved Eddie. So why was Eddie angry with him?
For the rest of the call, Buck tries not to think about it. He focuses on the patients, on the people around him and on everything that needs to be done. He follows orders and helps wherever he can, but no matter how hard he tries, his mind keeps going back to Eddie. Every time he looks at him, he remembers the expression on his face after the explosion.
Buck doesn’t understand what he did wrong.
After two hours, they’re finally done. The scene is under control, the injured have been transported and the 118 returns to the station. Everyone is exhausted, but Buck doesn’t feel tired enough to sleep. Instead, he feels restless, like he has too much energy trapped inside him.
It’s almost four a.m.
Outside, it’s still dark, the clouds still covering the sky. Rain has started falling, hitting the pavement and the roof of the station with a steady rhythm. Buck eventually finds himself sitting outside on the driveway, staring at the wet ground while the rain slowly soaks through his clothes.
He doesn’t care.
He keeps thinking about what happened.
What had he done wrong?
He did it to save Eddie.
Wasn’t that enough?
Buck lowers his head as the rain runs through his hair and drips down his face. He can’t tell which drops are rain and which ones might be tears anymore.
He feels stupid.
He had thought Eddie would understand.
He had thought that if Eddie ever found out how much Buck cared about him, he would know that Buck would do anything to keep him safe.
But maybe that was the problem.
Maybe Buck had done too much.
Maybe Eddie didn’t want him to care that much.
“Was I not enough?” he thinks quietly.
He closes his eyes.
He hates that Eddie’s anger has hurt him this much.
Suddenly, he hears footsteps behind him.
Buck slowly stands up.
He doesn’t need to turn around.
He knows it’s Eddie.
He could recognize him without seeing him.
Eddie stops right beside him, and for a few seconds neither of them says anything. The rain continues falling around them, filling the silence that neither of them seems to know how to break.
“Buck, I think we should talk,” Eddie finally says.
Buck turns to face him.
“Yeah. We should.”
“What were you thinking?” Eddie asks, his voice still carrying some of the frustration from earlier. “You could’ve died.”
“But I didn’t.”
“But you could’ve!” Eddie responds immediately. “I don’t think you understand. If I lost you…”
He stops, looking away for a moment before continuing.
“I wouldn’t ever forgive myself.”
Buck stares at him.
“And if I didn’t cover you, it would be my fault if you died,” Buck says, his voice becoming more emotional. “I just couldn’t stand there and watch the most important person in my life die.”
Eddie’s expression changes.
Buck can see the surprise in his eyes.
“I just… just couldn’t watch the person I’m in love with die.”
The words leave Buck’s mouth before he can stop them.
Silence.
Eddie doesn’t move.
Buck’s heart feels like it’s about to explode.
He has finally said it.
The thing he had been so afraid of saying.
Eddie knows.
There is no taking it back now.
Buck doesn’t know what Eddie is thinking. He doesn’t know whether he has just ruined everything or whether, somehow, things could still be okay. He looks at Eddie, waiting for any kind of reaction, but Eddie remains silent for another moment.
Then something changes in his expression.
The anger disappears.
Eddie takes a step forward.
Buck barely has time to react before Eddie reaches up, cups Buck’s face in his hands and leans in, pressing his lips against Buck’s.
For a second, Buck simply freezes.
Eddie is kissing him.
Eddie.
The person he has been secretly in love with for so long.
It doesn’t feel real.
Buck slowly kisses him back, his hands finding Eddie’s shoulders before moving upward and resting gently around his neck. The rain continues falling around them, but Buck barely notices it anymore. Everything else seems to disappear. There is no station, no fire, no freeway, no calls. There is only Eddie standing in front of him.
Buck feels butterflies in his stomach, and his heart is beating so hard that he is convinced Eddie must be able to feel it. He has dreamed about this moment for so long that he never actually believed it would happen. He had imagined what Eddie’s lips would feel like, what it would be like to finally hold him, but reality is somehow even better than anything Buck could have imagined.
For Eddie, the moment is just as overwhelming. He has been thinking about Buck lately more than he wants to admit, but until now he never really allowed himself to understand why. He had always told himself that Buck was his best friend, that the love he felt for him was the kind of love you had for family. But hearing Buck say that he was in love with him makes something click inside Eddie’s mind. Suddenly, all the little things make sense. The way he worries about Buck. The way he notices when Buck isn’t okay. The way he always looks for him when they are in a crowd. The way losing Buck feels like a possibility he can’t even imagine surviving.
He loves him.
He realizes it right there.
But then fear takes over.
What if Buck didn’t want this?
What if he had misunderstood what Buck meant?
What if Buck meant that he loved him as a friend?
What if Eddie had just ruined everything?
Eddie slowly pulls back.
Buck opens his eyes.
Their faces are still close, but Eddie takes a step backward.
“I—I’m sorry, Buck,” Eddie says, his voice barely above a whisper. “I am so sorry.”
Before Buck can ask what he means, Eddie turns around and runs.
Just like he usually does.
When he’s scared, when he doesn’t know what to do, when his emotions become too much, Eddie runs. He runs toward the one place where he feels safe, his home, where he can close the door and hide from the world for a while.
Buck stands there in the rain, watching him disappear.
His chest hurts.
He doesn’t understand.
Eddie kissed him.
Eddie kissed him first.
So why did he run?
Buck feels tears building in his eyes, and this time he doesn’t bother trying to stop them.
“Go, Buck.”
He turns around.
Bobby is standing there.
“I’ll give you time off work. Just go.”
Buck looks at him, confused.
“Cap…”
Bobby walks closer and puts a hand on Buck’s shoulder, squeezing it gently.
“You can do it, son.”
Buck looks toward the road again.
Then he nods.
He doesn’t waste another second.
He runs after Eddie.
⸻
When Buck finally gets to Eddie’s house, the front door is locked.
He knocks loudly.
“Eddie!”
Nothing.
“C’mon, Eds! We have to talk!”
Still nothing.
Buck knocks again, harder this time.
“Eddie!”
He waits.
His heart is beating rapidly, and his thoughts are running in every possible direction. He keeps wondering whether he has done something wrong, whether Eddie regrets kissing him, whether he has somehow made Eddie uncomfortable. He wishes he could understand what is going on inside Eddie’s head, because not knowing is somehow worse than being rejected.
Finally, he hears movement behind the door.
It opens.
Eddie is standing there.
His hair is still slightly wet, and his face looks exhausted. He stares at Buck for a few seconds before looking away.
“Listen, Buck,” Eddie begins. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. You probably meant you love me as fri—”
Buck can’t let him finish.
He steps forward and gives him a gentle kiss.
Eddie freezes for only a moment before kissing him back.
This time, he doesn’t run.
He pulls Buck inside and closes the door behind them while they’re still kissing, finally allowing himself to stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong.
Buck eventually pulls away slightly, needing to look at Eddie.
“Eddie.”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
Eddie’s expression softens.
“No,” Buck says, shaking his head slightly. “I mean I’m in love with you. Not as just best friends. Not as family. As something more. I’ve always been.”
Buck’s eyes fill with tears.
“I knew you were the one when I first saw you in that locker room. I was just scared to tell you because I thought you wouldn’t feel the same way. I thought I’d lose you.”
Eddie reaches up and gently places one hand against Buck’s cheek.
“I thought you didn’t feel the same way.”
Buck lets out a small laugh.
“So we were both just idiots?”
Eddie smiles.
“Oh yeah. I guess we’re both idiots.”
Buck laughs softly, wiping away the tears that have escaped.
For the first time in a long time, he doesn’t feel like he needs to hide anything. He doesn’t need to pretend that he’s okay when he’s not. He doesn’t need to wonder whether Eddie knows how much he means to him because now he has finally said it.
Eddie takes Buck’s hand and holds it tightly.
“I don’t want this to ruin what we have,” Buck admits quietly.
“It won’t,” Eddie answers.
“You don’t know that.”
“I know us.”
Buck looks at him for a moment before smiling.
“Yeah. I guess you do.”
Eddie smiles back.
Outside, the rain continues falling against the windows. The clouds are still covering the sky, hiding the stars somewhere above them, but Buck doesn’t care anymore. For the first time that night, he doesn’t feel like he’s drowning in his own thoughts.
He’s finally breathing.
And maybe that’s all he needed.
Maybe all those nights spent wondering whether it was better to speak or to stay silent were worth it.
Because sometimes speaking is terrifying.
Sometimes telling someone how you feel can change everything.
But maybe changing everything doesn’t always mean losing everything.
Sometimes it means finally finding the courage to say the words you’ve been carrying inside for far too long.
Buck squeezes Eddie’s hand.
Eddie squeezes back.
And this time, neither of them runs.