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Alex had worked with the 1-6 SVU unit for a little over a year now. In that time, she had learned quite a few things about the people she worked with.
Captain Donald Cragen was a man who looked at the detectives in his unit as if they were his own children. He was tough when he needed to be, but there wasn't much he wouldn't do to protect them.
Detective John Munch was a die-hard conspiracy theorist who could find one in just about any case.
Detective Odafin Tutuola was a hard man, hardened by his years in Narcotics, but beneath that tough exterior was a heart of gold that he kept carefully protected.
Detective Elliot Stabler was a family man, devoted to his wife and children, but when it came to the victims they dealt with, he had a way of seeing every child as if they were his own.
Then there was Olivia Benson.
The brunette detective who had somehow managed to become the one person in the squad room Alex couldn't quite figure out.
Olivia was dedicated to her job. That much Alex had learned quickly. She was compassionate without being naïve, stubborn without being unreasonable, and fiercely protective of the victims who walked through the doors of SVU.
But there was something else about her.
Something Alex couldn't quite put her finger on.
Olivia Benson carried herself like a woman who had learned very early in life that depending on someone else was dangerous.
She rarely asked for help.
She rarely complained.
Even when she was exhausted, bruised, or running on nothing but coffee and sheer determination, she would simply offer that familiar little smile and insist she was fine.
Alex had watched her do it countless times.
And every single time, she wanted to call her a liar.
Not because Olivia was incapable of handling herself.
Quite the opposite.
Alex had never met a detective more capable, more relentless, or more willing to put herself between danger and someone who needed protecting.
It was the way Olivia seemed to believe that she had to carry everything alone.
Alex had seen glimpses of the woman beneath the badge over the past year.
The woman who laughed quietly when Munch said something ridiculous.
The woman who could tease Fin until he rolled his eyes.
The woman who softened whenever a frightened child reached for her hand.
Those moments were rare.
And Alex had found herself looking forward to them.
More than she probably should.
There were times when Olivia would walk into the squad room, shake the rain from her coat, and glance across the room until her eyes found Alex.
Every time it happened, something inside Alex shifted.
It was ridiculous.
She was the ADA assigned to the unit. Olivia was one of her detectives. Their relationship was supposed to be professional.
And yet, somehow, over the past year, Olivia Benson had become the person Alex noticed first whenever she entered a room.
The person whose opinion mattered more than it should.
The person whose smile could turn an impossibly long day into something Alex could survive.
And perhaps most dangerously of all—
The person Alex had begun to wonder about when she wasn't there.
She told herself it was nothing.
Friendship.
Respect.
A professional bond forged through too many difficult cases and too many late nights.
That was all.
It had to be.
Because Alex Cabot knew exactly what happened when you allowed yourself to want something you couldn't have.
And Olivia Benson was definitely something she couldn't have.
She was in the closet.
Even her own mother didn't know she was gay.
For as long as Alex could remember, she had been told that one day she would find a nice man, marry him, and have children.
It was a future everyone seemed to assume she wanted.
Except Alex had known from her early teens that it wasn't the life she wanted. She had never dreamed of a husband or a traditional family. She had simply never known how to explain why.
So she had become very good at hiding that part of herself.
She buried it so deeply that no one knew.
No one suspected.
Not her mother. Not her friends. Not the people she worked with.
For years, Alex had convinced herself that she could keep it buried forever. She could continue living the life everyone expected of her and never have to confront the truth she'd spent so much time avoiding.
Then she looked into those warm, caring, loving chocolate-brown eyes.
And suddenly, hiding became a whole lot harder.
Which was why Alex now found herself facing the biggest dilemma of her life.
Did she continue living the lie she had created to satisfy everyone around her, or did she finally give herself permission to be happy?
If she chose happiness, she knew there would be consequences.
Coming out could damage the political career she had always envisioned for herself. She knew her mother might turn her back on her, and that possibility terrified her more than she wanted to admit.
Her Uncle Bill would accept her. That much she knew without a doubt. He had always been the one person in her family who seemed to love her without conditions.
But what about her friends?
Would they understand?
Would they still look at her the same way?
Alex couldn't help but fear they wouldn't. She could imagine the awkward silences, the uncomfortable questions, the subtle distance that might slowly grow between them.
They might not reject her outright.
They might simply start keeping their distance.
And somehow, that almost seemed worse.
All because she had finally allowed herself to admit the truth.
She was falling in love with Olivia Benson.
The realization settled over her with a weight she could no longer ignore.
Alex pushed back from her desk and slowly made her way to the large window overlooking the city. She stood there silently, staring out at the countless lights below as her mind began to wander.
She imagined what her life could look like if she could finally be honest about who she was.
A life where she didn't have to hide.
A life where she could come home after a long day at work and find Olivia waiting for her.
A life where they built something together.
A home.
A family.
Alex closed her eyes, allowing herself to imagine it for just a moment.
She wanted children. At least two.
One with her blonde hair and features, and one with Olivia's beautiful chocolate-brown eyes.
She wanted the chaos of toys scattered across the house, laughter filling the rooms, and two little voices calling for their mothers.
She wanted Olivia beside her through all of it.
The thought brought a small smile to her lips.
For the first time in her life, Alex could actually see a future she wanted.
And that was what scared her the most.
Because she wasn't supposed to want this.
She was Alexandra Cabot.
A Cabot.
She had been raised with certain expectations, certain traditions, and a very specific idea of what her future was supposed to look like.
And being openly gay had never been part of that picture.
She was expected to marry a man, have children, and continue the Cabot legacy. She was expected to be successful, respectable, and above all else, never do anything that could bring embarrassment or scandal to her family.
There had never been room for a woman like Olivia in that future.
Or a woman period.
At least, that was what she had been taught to believe.
But standing there, looking out over the city, Alex couldn't help wondering what would happen if she stopped living the life everyone else had planned for her.
What if, just once, she chose herself?
What if she chose Olivia?
A soft knock on her door pulled Alex from her thoughts.
“Come in,” she called, glancing at the clock as she wondered who could possibly still be working this late.
The door opened, and Olivia stepped inside.
“Hey, Alex,” she said, smiling at the blonde.
That smile.
Alex had noticed it countless times over the past year.
It never quite reached Olivia’s eyes, but God, did it soften her features just right.
There was something about it that made Alex wonder what Olivia would look like if she were truly, completely happy.
What would that smile look like if Olivia didn't have a reason to hold anything back?
Alex found herself wondering if she could be the person who put that kind of smile on Olivia's face.
The kind that reached all the way to her eyes.
The kind that made Olivia forget, even if only for a moment, all the pain she carried behind those beautiful brown eyes.
And for one terrifying moment, Alex allowed herself to imagine that maybe she could.
“Why are you here so late?” Alex asked, motioning toward the chair across from her desk.
“I was finishing up some DD5s for a very bossy ADA who happens to be assigned to our unit.”
“Man, she must be a real ball buster.”
“She is,” Olivia replied with a grin. “But she means well.”
Alex couldn't help but smile.
“Oh, does she now?”
“Yeah. She's actually pretty great.”
“I'll have to take your word for it.”
“You should,” Olivia said with that same smile.
God, how Alex loved that smile.
“Now, why are you here so late?”
Alex glanced down at the paperwork scattered across her desk before lifting her eyes and connecting with those warm brown ones.
Because I can't stop thinking about you.
The thought came instantly, so clear and honest that it almost slipped past the carefully constructed walls Alex had spent years building.
Because I don't want to go home to an empty apartment.
Because I want to go home with you.
I want to walk into your apartment at the end of the night, curl up beside you, and feel like I belong there.
But none of those were things she could ever say out loud.
Not to Olivia.
Not to anyone.
So instead, Alex offered her a small smile and reached for the first excuse that came to mind.
“I had some paperwork to finish.”
Olivia's eyes flicked toward the mountain of files on Alex's desk before returning to her face.
“Looks like more than some paperwork.”
Alex laughed softly.
“Unfortunately, the paperwork doesn't seem to understand that I should have a life outside this office.”
Olivia smiled again.
And Alex silently wondered how much longer she could keep pretending she wanted the life that had been constructed for her.
The life her family expected.
The life everyone assumed she wanted.
The life that suddenly felt so empty compared to the one she had begun imagining with Olivia.
“You work too hard, Alex.”
Alex laughed softly.
“That’s rich coming from you.”
Olivia shrugged, her smile widening.
“I know when to take a break.”
“You do?”
“Occasionally.”
“I'm shocked.”
Olivia laughed, and Alex found herself watching her a little longer than she should have.
There it was again.
That smile.
The one that made Alex wonder what it would look like if Olivia ever truly allowed herself to be happy.
And once again, that dangerous little thought crept into her mind.
Maybe I could be the reason.
“How did you know I was even here?” Alex asked, tilting her head to the side.
“I’m a detective. I know these things,” Olivia replied with a playful grin.
Alex raised an eyebrow.
“Is that your official answer?”
“It is.”
“And here I thought you actually had a reason.”
“I do.”
Alex’s curiosity got the better of her.
“Oh?”
Olivia shrugged, but there was something almost shy about the gesture.
“I was heading home and noticed your light was still on.”
Alex's heart gave an unexpected little flutter.
“You noticed?”
“Of course I noticed.”
Two simple words.
They shouldn't have meant anything.
But to Alex, they meant everything.
“Liv,” Alex said softly, trying to keep her voice casual. “With the way your schedule runs, how do you even find time to date?”
What she really wanted to ask was much simpler.
Are you single?
But she couldn't bring herself to say it.
That question would reveal far too much. It would tell Olivia that Alex had been thinking about her personal life, wondering if there was someone waiting for her at home.
Wondering if there was a chance for something more.
So instead, she carefully phrased the question as if it were nothing more than idle curiosity.
Olivia studied her for a moment, and Alex suddenly wondered if the detective could see straight through her.
“Date?” Olivia repeated.
Alex nodded, forcing a small smile.
“Yeah. You know... dinners, movies, that sort of thing. How do you find the time?”
Please don't ask why I want to know.
“I don’t,” Olivia said, leaning forward slightly. “Well, let me rephrase that. I try, but when the job comes calling, I have to go.”
She gave a small shrug, her expression turning a little more serious.
“The women I date are okay with it in the beginning. They understand the hours, the late nights, the calls in the middle of dinner. But after a while…” Olivia paused, searching for the right words. “It starts to feel like they come second to the job.”
She gave a rueful smile.
“Which, sadly, they do. And eventually, they don’t want to continue the relationship with me.”
Alex listened quietly, carefully keeping her expression neutral even as her heart began to beat a little faster.
The women I date.
Olivia dated women.
The knowledge sent a rush of hope through her that she immediately tried to suppress.
She had asked the question expecting one answer.
She certainly hadn't expected this answer.
Olivia leaned back in the chair, a small, almost mischievous smile playing across her lips.
“Now, I've allowed you to ask me a personal question, so I get to ask you one.”
Alex's heart gave a nervous little flutter.
“Fair enough.”
“Why are you here and not with your boyfriend?”
For a moment, Alex simply stared at her.
Boyfriend?
Of all the questions Olivia could have asked, that was the one she had been hoping—and dreading—she wouldn't.
Alex quickly looked down at the papers on her desk, pretending to straighten a stack that was already perfectly aligned.
“I don't have a boyfriend.”
The words came out softer than she intended.
She looked back up and found Olivia watching her intently.
“No boyfriend?” Olivia asked.
“No.”
There was something in Olivia's expression that Alex couldn't quite read.
“Girlfriend?”
The single word stopped Alex's breath.
For years, she had been terrified someone would ask that question.
Now that Olivia was the one asking it, Alex wasn't sure whether she wanted to run from the question or finally tell the truth.
“I’m not…” Alex trailed off, the words catching somewhere in her throat.
Olivia immediately noticed the hesitation.
“I’m sorry, Alex. I wasn’t trying to offend you or anything. I was just asking.”
“No, you didn't offend me.” Alex quickly shook her head. “It's not that.”
Olivia waited, giving her the space to continue without pressing.
Alex swallowed hard.
She could tell her.
She could finally say the words she'd spent years hiding.
I am gay.
Three simple words.
Yet somehow they felt like the hardest words she had ever tried to speak.
“I’m not…” Alex started again, but once more, she couldn't finish.
Olivia offered her a reassuring smile.
“You don't have to answer.”
Alex looked at her, surprised by the genuine concern in her eyes.
For a moment, she simply studied the brunette.
She knew Olivia well enough by now to know she would never push her for an answer. Olivia was one of the kindest people Alex had ever met, especially when it came to something personal.
And Alex knew something else, too.
If she told Olivia her secret and asked her not to tell anyone, Olivia wouldn't.
She would take that secret to her grave if that was what Alex needed.
For the first time, Alex wondered if maybe she could finally tell someone.
Maybe she could tell Olivia.
Before Alex could make up her mind, Olivia slowly stood.
“Alex…”
The sound of her name pulled Alex out of her inner battle.
“Whatever you have going on up there,” Olivia said, pointing toward Alex’s head, “it’ll be okay.”
Alex stared at her.
Will it?
She wanted to believe her.
More than anything, she wanted to believe that somehow everything would work out.
“Anyways,” Olivia continued, straightening her leather jacket. “I saw the light on and wanted to check on you.”
Alex's heart warmed at the simple admission.
Olivia had noticed her light was on.
And she'd come to check on her.
“Don't work too late,” Olivia added. “Take a cab home, and if you can't get one, call me.”
Alex blinked.
“Call you?”
“I don't usually go to sleep until late,” Olivia explained with a small shrug. “I'll make sure you get home safely.”
There was nothing complicated about the offer.
Nothing inappropriate.
Just Olivia being Olivia—looking out for someone she cared about.
But to Alex, it felt like so much more.
Someone cared whether she got home safely.
Someone would answer the phone if she needed them.
And as Olivia turned toward the door, Alex found herself wondering what it would be like to have someone like that waiting for her every night.
“Liv.”
Alex's voice stopped her.
She pushed herself away from the desk and walked around it, closing the distance between them. Olivia had already stopped at the door, and when she heard her name, she turned around slowly.
That smile was back.
God, that smile.
Alex took a breath, suddenly aware of how fast her heart was beating.
“I’m single.”
Olivia's smile faltered slightly as she watched her.
Alex swallowed, knowing there was no going back now.
“Actually…” She paused for a moment, gathering every ounce of courage she had. “I was wondering if you would like to go out sometime?”
For several seconds, Olivia simply stared at her.
Alex's stomach twisted as doubt began to creep in.
What have I done?
She had spent years hiding this part of herself, and now, after one conversation with Olivia Benson, she'd just placed it directly in front of the woman she had been falling for.
But Olivia didn't walk away.
Instead, that beautiful smile slowly returned.
And this time, Alex could swear it reached Olivia’s eyes.
“I would love to,” Olivia answered, and there was something in her voice Alex had never heard before.
Happiness.
Real, unmistakable happiness.
Alex felt her breath catch as a smile spread across her own face.
“You would?”
“I would.” Olivia nodded, her smile growing. “I’ve actually been wondering when you were going to ask.”
Alex blinked in surprise.
“You have?”
Olivia gave a soft laugh.
“Yeah.”
For the first time that night, Alex felt the fear that had been weighing on her begin to lift.
Maybe she hadn't made a mistake.
Maybe choosing happiness didn't have to mean losing everything.
Maybe, just maybe, she had finally found something worth taking the risk for.