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Monday
The email had come in the middle of the day.
Riri did not check her phone expecting it. She was expecting a text message from Kira. From Yumeko. Maybe from Wendy. Instead it was an email from the prestigious university she applied to months ago hardly thinking anything of it.
Her and Mary were in the library. Not studying, they didn’t have to do that anymore, but rather lounging. Riri found that the last week of school entailed lots of sitting around and discussing futures. Graduation robes. Dresses. Heels. Acceptance letters. Mary thrived in this environment much more than Riri did. Mary had been planning for this single day since her enrollment into Kindergarten. Her top schools have had a place on sweaters in her closet, on pages in her journal, in any sort of conversation involving education.
Riri’s acceptance letter stared her back in the face.
When it came to Riri's future… well, she had about nothing. Her counselor had written down on Riri’s file the same thing she did for every JROTC kid without a plan. Enlistment. Counselors here were so bent on putting you in boxes. Straying from these boxes felt like stepping into a minefield.
For a while enlisting seemed like something she had to do. She had talked to recruiters at college fairs held at the school. She would always take a pamphlet then leave. But then the positive illusion of enlistment faded. Two weeks of boot camp. Deployment. JROTC times ten. She knew with absolute certainty that she would not be enlisting.
When Mary was accepted into her top university her parents threw her a party. Streamers and cake and confetti in the red and yellow colors of the school. An embroidered sweater with the university’s name on it and underneath it Mary’s name along with ‘future student’. Every conversation after that revolved around school. Dorm applications, scheduling campus tours, looking up future professors.
Riri was nothing less than happy for Mary, even with the knowledge that she would be moving four hours away.
Four hours was… a lot. Too far to see Mary every day, far enough to maybe see her on the weekends. She didn't know how to feel about the distance. It didn’t particularly bother her, it was just… weird. Mary has been a staple in her life for the past year, it’d be a little jarring to have her gone. Her therapist—because she had one of those now—kept asking her if it upset her. Surprisingly, she had said no.
But now Riri was looking at her acceptance letter to the very same university Mary was moving four hours away for. She applied because Mary applied. She didn’t think she had a proper chance. Her application was lacking, save for the ideal grades she kept. She figured if she got in, university with Mary. If not, she’d stay here, simple as that.
She should have been ecstatic, like her girlfriend currently was, gushing over her shoulder. Congratulating her. She tried to force it. Happiness. She was happy to an extent. Classes with Mary. Sharing a dorm with Mary. Lounging around campus with Mary. The thought instilled some excitement in her. The mushy kind. the kind the thought of Mary always created.
“We won't have to go long distance,” Mary said, “we’ll actually see each other everyday.”
“Yay,” Riri said, genuinely. Her tone came flat though, which made it sound a little less genuine.
Mary didn’t seem to care, used to the mess Riri was, and kept talking. And Riri kept nodding, and nodding, not really hearing a thing. Only hearing the voice in her head going, ‘this is what you wanted, right?’
—
When Riri trudged into the house that afternoon, her mother was already starting dinner. Riri wordlessly sat at the kitchen island, the news repeated countless times in her head. Now she only had to vocalize it.
Her mother eyed her, that brief look finding all the turmoil written across her body language. “How was school?”
Riri worked her jaw for half a second before finally speaking. "I got in.”
“Congratulations.”
“Okay.”
Ivelina paused cooking for a minute, just to assess the situation. “Do you… want anything?”
“No.”
“Oh… okay.” She turned her attention back to the stove.
“I’m happy about it,” Riri said. Which was the truth, she thinked. Or maybe saying it out loud made it sound more like the truth.
“That’s good. I'm happy for you.”
Riri nodded. She tried to find more to say, to which she found nothing, so she fled the kitchen wordlessly.
Tuesday
The gym was obnoxiously full of chatter. Riri can’t quite recall the graduating class being this big. Fold-out tables lined the space. Graduation prep was in full effect. Riri already had a hanger with her dark green graduation gown hanging from it in her hand. She was very ready to leave until she was being ambushed by Mary and Wendy.
“Trying to escape?” Wendy said. Mary hooked an arm through Riri’s and was beginning to guide her away from the gym’s exit.
“I don’t like when you two hang out,” Riri said. “It’s never anything good.”
“We don't hang out,” Mary argued, “we just exist around each other.”
Riri mumbled something that surely would have gotten her in trouble if said at full volume and let herself be strung along. She concluded that the gym was her least favorite place in the world and was eternally grateful for the two years of JROTC that excused her from ever taking a gym class.
Mary and Wendy stopped in front of three tables. Atop the tables were cords and stoles in a rainbow variety, and behind the tables were teachers with clipboards and names.
A teacher asked Mary, “name?” to which Mary had given it. In response, Mary was handed a variety of things. A light yellow cord, a blue cord, a pink cord, as well as a cord with blue and yellow swirled around each other. And then she was given a stole with the words valedictorian embroidered on it, and finally, a medal.
Riri had the urge to reach out and hold all of Mary’s things for her before she was being asked for her name as well. She was given a medal identical to Mary’s, as well as a light yellow cord. Mary, however, was not given the stole Riri received last. A stole with JROTC embroidered onto it. Wendy was given an identical one with a variety of other cords.
“What are all of yours for Mary?” Wendy asked.
“Honor society, student government, choir, and then the medal is for math club,” Mary explained. “My neck is going to be so heavy the day of.”
“Rightfully earned,” Wendy said. “What does your dress look like?”
“Expensive,” Mary sighed.
Riri suddenly became very curious. “Can I see?”
“I’ll come over today. After graduation practice we can go to your house.” Mary said.
—
Graduation practice was held on the school’s football field. April was hot. It could only be compared to hell on earth, and Riri was not liking the glimpse of her inevitable afterlife. The fold out chairs lined in rows on the field were creaky. Riri couldn’t make the tiniest shift without it making noise.
“Did you know we are the only ones in our graduating class with a last name starting with a T?” Wendy was sitting beside her. Riri knew why now, thanks to the fun-fact Wendy had just blabbered. Everyone was organized in alphabetical order. Going by last names. By some coincidence Riri and Wendy shared the first letter of their last names.
Riri shook her head no at the fact, because she hadn’t known that previously.
Wendy eyed her. “You good? You’ve looked so pale today. Not more than usual, of course.”
“I got into Mary’s school,” Riri found herself saying.
“Oh!” Wendy perked up. “Congrats!”
“Thank you,” Riri said, though it sounded very far from thankful.
“Are we… not happy about this?”
“I don't know.”
“Does Mary know?” Wendy asked.
“Yes.”
A very awkward silence.
Wendy shifted in her creaky chair.
“I was supposed to go to your school,” Riri said. The local college only fifteen minutes away. Wendy had gotten in on early admission and a full scholarship. Riri’s acceptance came a bit after, just with less fanfare.
“Are you still going?”
Riri melted in her chair, whether it be from the heat or the question was unknown. The creaking that followed was horrendous and she was pretty sure she was making a very weird sound.
“Okay, don’t ask school-related questions. Noted.”
Riri spared her quarter of a sister a face full of sorrow. Mary was currently on the rickety portable stage the school had set up in the middle of the football field, giving her mock valedictorian speech. Riri was supposed to be walking that stage at the end of the week, and she still hadn’t even figured out what to do with herself after.
“Would I be making a mistake if I rejected the admission?” She asked.
Wendy shook her head. “No. Do whatever you want to do.”
That was the problem. She didn’t know what she wanted to do, and it was going to be the death of her.
—
Riri liked Mary in her room. At first, it was weird. Mary stood out against Riri's space so loudly. But back then everything had been weird for Riri. Now, Riri felt Mary looked the best here. Fit the best here. Ever since Mary had gotten her license Riri had no need for a driver. Her girlfriend was so willing to take her everywhere. Riri especially liked days like these, where Mary would drive them both to Riri’s house straight after school. Riri’s house was the preferred place now. More privacy, though Ivelina had a bad tendency of asking them if they needed anything every hour.
“Okay,” Mary said, "I got it on but I need your help.” She stepped from Riri’s bathroom to in front of the bed, where Riri had been waiting with her face smushed into sheets.
Mary had padded into the room with her hands holding the straps of her dress up, her back turned so that Riri couldn’t see the front. Riri scrambled to her knees with all the normalness she could muster before fiddling with the zipper. Mary adjusted her hair when she was done, finally turning to show Riri the full thing.
“What do you think?”
“I feel like I shouldn't be seeing it now,” Riri said. Mary’s graduation dress was beautiful, white, and generated so many thoughts Riri could not say aloud. She wished she hadn’t asked Mary to show her now, so that she could’ve felt everything she was feeling now the day of graduation and not a random tuesday.
“It would be covered by the graduation gown, and then all of the cords and stoles, so you’re lucky you’re seeing it now.” Mary perched herself on the edge of the bed before saying, “the next time you’ll see me in white is our wedding. Keeping this clean is hard.”
Riri made a noise so strangled she wondered if she was choking.
Mary stood from the bed like she hadn’t said something so monumental. “Dont be so surprised, obviously I want to marry you.” For a while Riri could not form words, only stare at Mary in that white dress and envision in her another, much more extravagant white dress.
When she finally managed words, she said, “you don’t make it obvious.”
Mary, who was now looking at herself in Riri’s full-length mirror, rolled her eyes. “I do, you’re just very oblivious.”
“You broke up with me last month because I had strawberry ice cream.”
Offense was very prominent on Mary’s face as she whipped her head around. “You tried to kiss me after.”
What Mary was not acknowledging was that she tried to kiss Riri after, and Riri had to decline as to not kill her girlfriend. The betrayal Mary felt after was enough for her to break up with her for a week. Not the longest they’ve been apart, but still agonizing. Every time they do break up, Ivelina likes to keep the bowls of ice cream coming for a very sorrowful Riri, so it’s not all bad.
Mary suddenly frowned. “I don't know why I said that, we don't have to get married obviously. Unless you want to?”
Riri could not fight back a smile. “How is that even a question?”
Her smile was reciprocated, and she was now being rewarded with a kiss. “God, I can't wait to spend forever with you,” Mary sighed, “university is going to be so…” She didn’t finish her sentence, instead opting to lean down and kiss Riri again.
It was then that Riri felt she should not be stringing her girlfriend along. But telling the entire truth sounded too scary. She didn’t want to be the cause of disappointment, but leading her on would just cause more disappointment in the end, wouldn’t it?
“Mary,” she said in between kisses. Mary had been mindful enough to let her breathe, stroking her cheek with her thumb in the process. Riri found that it helped her think. “I haven’t accepted the admission yet.”
Mary blinked a few times, leaning back a bit. Riri leaned in closer, not wanting her to go far. “Oh, okay. You know you still have until Saturday.”
“I know.” Riri could tell she had just shattered Mary’s bubble of dreams.
Mary’s face traveled through a series of emotions, ones that Riri couldn’t decipher fast enough before it went neutral again. “But you’re going to accept it?”
In her head she had said the truth, which was that she didn’t know. And then Mary kissed her again and told her that it was all going to be okay, and that she didn’t have to. But Riri's mouth was known to betray her. Her body never kept up with her mind, it was always trying to outrun it.
“I am.”
At least she had gotten a very big grin after, and a series of kisses across her face. Mary moved to enter the bathroom again to change, leaving Riri alone on the bed.
She was so stupid.
Wednesday
The harsh glow of her laptop illuminated Riri blue. The admission letter looked more intimidating like this, on a bigger screen. The bold symbol of the university just sat against the white background taunting her. Riri squinted so strongly she temporarily disposed of her vision. When she looked at it like this it was simply gibberish on a screen and not a future.
Of course, her eyes ached after some time, and a throbbing of her head followed it. Riri blinked rapidly to will it away. She was not completely successful.
The nickname Riri was fond of for Kira had appeared in the corner of her screen. She answered the call.
“Your mother told me that the school only gave out two tickets per parent for graduation,” Kira said, irritation already flaring through her body, “remind me again why you attend such an establishment?” Her hair was done up in those pink rollers Riri only saw in old cartoons, and a robe was draped over her body and secured tightly in a knot around her waist. Riri did not fight the thoughts of she looks ridiculous, and I am glad my sister will never stop being my sister.
“Because it is legally required of me,” Riri replied. “I will email the school.”
“No need, I've already done that. Yumeko damn-near cried when I told her there weren’t enough tickets for us all.” Kira began to do that thing where she would pretend to be annoyed at the thought of her girlfriend, but the softness to her eyes always told another story. “The staff at your school are highly questionable. I’m not excited to see the building in person.”
“You’ll be on a field. Used for football. You won't have to enter the building.”
As if she had seen the field in some kind of premonition, Kira’s eyes widened in horror. “Surely you aren't expected to graduate in a field?”
“Yes,” Riri confirmed, “in heels as well.”
If she hadn’t known better, Riri would have thought her sister was about to gag. “Maybe I should stay in Canada and miss the damn thing,” Kira said.
They both knew Yumeko would rather grab Kira by the scruff of her neck and drag her all the way to Washington than miss Riri’s graduation. She could admit she was the smallest bit excited to see her siblings. They visited for Christmas again last year, but since then it had been the agonizing distance.
“You look deeply bothered,” Kira said suddenly, snapping Riri out of the trance she didn’t even know she was in.
“I’ve done something,” Riri said.
“Something is a large range.”
“I got into university.”
Kira’s face remained impassive. Riri continued, realizing she’s using the vagueness her sister despised so much. “I got into Mary’s university, and she’s under the impression that I’m going to accept the admission.”
“So tell her you aren’t sure,” Kira said plainly.
“It’s more complex than that.”
“I’m failing to see the complexity.”
Riri racked her brain for a different way to put it. “If Yumeko thought you were going to buy her something she really wanted, but you weren’t sure yet, what would you do?”
“I would buy it for her,” Kira said.
“That isn’t an option.”
“Of course it is. I’m a millionaire.”
Riri sighed heavily. “You aren’t trying hard enough to see my problem.”
“I see your problem,” Kira said, “and it is that you think something that isn't going to happen will.”
“I don't want to disappoint her.” Except she was already building the disappointment. She knew the longer she kept her uncertainty to herself, the more she’d hurt Mary. It was all that replayed in her mind.
“What's the worst that’ll happen if you do?”
What a silly question. “She’d break up with me.”
Kira laughed. She laughed right in Riri’s face. “Aren’t you used to that by now?”
Riri gripped the edge of her desk, her jaw tightening with every chuckle escaping Kira’s mouth. “It wouldn’t be like the other times. It would be like the real time.”
“Riri, you are so dramatic.”
Riri, for a second, considered that maybe, just maybe, she was being a little dramatic. And then the second vanished, and Riri decided no, she was not being dramatic. She was being perfectly reasonable. And since she was so reasonable, she promptly hung up on her sister.
—
Riri woke with a disgusting sheen of sweat clinging to her. Nightmares were rarer now, hardly ever present. But sometimes, on days a little worse, they’d come to haunt her. This one hadn’t been tellingable. She only had the knowledge that it was a nightmare, and that lingering feeling they always left.
Riri found that she didn’t really like sleeping alone anymore. Her bed would feel too big, her ceiling too far away. She softly padded down the stairs, her socks muffling any noise that would have been made without them. She entered her mother’s bed with the knowledge that she was too old to be doing this. She was an adult now, after all. She can't sleep in her mother’s bed forever. She can't live with her forever.
University could be a start, except she didn’t want it to be. She’s content here, in a bed that’s not meant to fit two, warm in her mother’s embrace. There's no uncertainty about what she wants to do anymore.
Thursday
Riri woke with a pit in her stomach, and throughout the day it got deeper, making her ache so violently she thought she’d been stabbed and had her guts scooped out. So now here she was, bent over in pain at the dry-cleaners with her mother and Wendy, waiting for Satan to take her.
“I’m sure Mary won't be mad.” Wendy had initially been creating what was supposed to be comforting circles with her palm onto Riri’s back, but then Riri claimed the touch only made it worse. “I mean– she’ll be a little mad. Disappointed. Maybe a little sad…”
Riri could physically feel the pit grow. “You are making me feel terrible. More terrible than before.”
“Why don't you want to accept the offer?” her mother asked.
Riri created the smallest slit through her fingers to meet Ivelina’s eyes. “It’s far. I’d be leaving you. And… Wendy.” But mostly you, Riri wanted to add. She didn’t think it was worth it, even if Mary seemed to be worth everything.
Ivelina’s face became soft. Riri still hated that kind of pity. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”
Riri knew this. It’s been drilled into her this past year. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. You can make your own decisions. No one is waiting to punish you. She was immensely aware of the freedom she has now, so much so that it still makes her feel dizzy. Still, it hit her like a punch in the face.
Tell Mary the truth. It sounded so easy, it seemed so easy. She knew she could do it, and she knew Mary wouldn't kill her or anything. She hoped. Mary had worked so hard for this, and she thought her girlfriend was going to be by her side through it. But she wasn't, because Riri was a shitty girlfriend. And now tomorrow she’d have to face the consequences of it.
—
Yumekiriri
Yumeko 𑁊^. .^𑁊: We r about to board plane now !!!!
Riri: yay
рыбная девушка 🦈: so enthusiastic
Riri: :c
рыбная девушка 🦈: ew stop that
Yumeko 𑁊^. .^𑁊: used to complain about Riris lack of whimsy but now you are criticizing it :(
рыбная девушка 🦈: Sorry
Yumeko 𑁊^. .^𑁊: whatcha doing riririri
Riri: I just got home. My stomach hurts.
Yumeko 𑁊^. .^𑁊: are you okay???
Riri: I’m dying, Yumeko.
рыбная девушка 🦈: no you aren’t
Riri: I’ve just lost more health.
рыбная девушка 🦈: this isn’t a video game
Riri: Yumeko save me.
Yumeko 𑁊^. .^𑁊: Kira stop :(((
рыбная девушка 🦈: how about Riri complain about her stomach ache to her own girlfriend
Yumeko 𑁊^. .^𑁊: she’s going thru a crisis rn you know she can’t
рыбная девушка 🦈: self-inflicted crisis btw
Yumeko 𑁊^. .^𑁊: Kira give her words of encouragement
рыбная девушка 🦈: can’t she just take some medicine instead?
Riri: We have none.
рыбная девушка 🦈: then we’ll pick some up for you before we get there. Stop being a big baby.
Riri: Yumeko.
Yumeko 𑁊^. .^𑁊: Kira stawp
рыбная девушка 🦈: I am literally doing nothing
Yumeko 𑁊^. .^𑁊: bullying your sister
рыбная девушка 🦈: you mean being honest?
рыбная девушка 🦈: How about you text Mary the truth and get it over with.
Yumeko 𑁊^. .^𑁊: noooooooo telling her in person is the right way to do it.
Riri: I don’t trust either of you.
—
Before clicking off her phone Riri did briefly consider texting Mary the truth. Her contact was right there. Right above the Kira and Yumeko groupchat. She almost clicked on the two little cats with a heart in the middle—a name Riri had done for her girlfriends contact, which her girlfriend called her corny for—and texted Mary her decision.
It felt way too wrong to do so, so she didn’t. Mary didn’t deserve that. It was like every hour she kept this secret she felt worse, but the possibility of how Mary might feel after the truth kept her from acting on it.
She had less than 24 hours until graduation. Less than 24 hours until she had to make a decision, and before she had to tell her girlfriend words she didn’t want to hear.
At least she knew she had medicine on the way.
Friday
Graduation was at seven. It was currently six and Riri was staring at her graduation robe in despair.
She declined the admission last night. It was the easiest thing she had ever done. She slept so well she wondered if she had lost the ability to feel guilt.
Today she was going to tell Mary, even if it led to Mary killing her with her bare hands—which was something she decided was absolutely possible.
Yumeko, still lacking the beautiful trait of respecting personal space, barged through her door. “What are you doing? We’re going to be late, and you know how Kira is about punctuation.” She noticed the gown, then Riri’s state of disarray. Riri was fully dressed, save for the green accessory, and was heavily considering getting undressed and skipping her own graduation.
“Is this about the university thing?” Yumeko asked.
Riri bowed her head into a slow, pathetic, yes.
Yumeko dropped herself on the bed, right next to Riri, slightly bouncing them both with the recoil from the mattress. “If Mary does get mad, I could beat her up for you,” she joked, “or maybe she won't be mad at all.”
“I don’t like disappointing her.”
Yumeko thought about this for a second. “You probably think you’re a bad girlfriend huh.”
Riri frowned, confused, because that is exactly what she’s thinking.
“Well, you’d be an even worser girlfriend if you were late to her graduation,” Yumeko said.
“Why are you guilt tripping me?” Riri asked, bewildered.
“Everytime I give real, good advice you say, ‘how do you know’ and start questioning my authority. So I'm trying a different method.”
Riri huffed. “I don't like this method.”
“You aren’t supposed to like it.” She stood, approaching the door. Before she left, she looked back and said, “do better.”
Two people would be dead by the end of tonight. Yumeko, after being strangled by Riri. And Riri, after being strangled by Mary.
—
Luckily for Riri, the crowd of students was so dense there was an extremely small chance of her running into Mary before she was supposed to. And even luckier for Riri, Mary was valedictorian, and sat in the front row, whereas her and Wendy were banished to somewhere in the middle.
Her and Wendy sat in their creaky chairs and listened as the principal gave whatever speech she was giving in blissful silence—before Wendy decided to break that blissful silence.
“I’m guessing you haven’t told her.”
Riri resisted every violent urge she had in her. Not towards Wendy. Well, most weren’t towards Wendy. Riri was just thinking of the quickest way she could end her own life before someone else did it for her.
Instead she settled on, “I haven’t.”
“You should probably tell her after dinner tonight. You know, the one where all of our parents are going to be.”
Riri had forgotten about dinner. Dinner at her house, between all five of their parents, including Ryan’s mother. She can’t tell Mary before dinner, it’d ruin the happy atmosphere a dinner was supposed to have.
A burst of applause began to surround her, muffling her current thoughts. Mary had begun to climb the steps of the stage. Somehow, she looked beautiful drowning in a dark green robe, cords and stoles weighing down her neck. Riri held on to about every word of her speech, admiring the way the sunset was timed beautifully just for her. If she weren’t so far—and actually had pockets—she’d take a photo, but she knew her parents were probably taking millions of those right now from the bleachers.
You’d be a bad girlfriend if you didn’t tell her as soon as possible, she thought. Mary doesn’t deserve to have such a beautiful day soured after the fact, because her girlfriend was a coward.
—
After the ceremony Riri could only make out the heads of people with green caps resting upon them. She floated through the crowd Wendy had disappeared into some time ago, trying to find Mary before anyone else could. She had an advantage, considering every cap was identical, and Mary’s was customized by her own hand. She only had to look for a burst of pink.
That proved to be easier said than done, but she had ended up doing it. Mary was still by the stage, chatting with a past teacher, diploma in hand.
Riri waited, even if each second felt like bits of courage leaping away from her body.
When Mary was done, she didn’t wait a single second before tackling Riri into her arms. Riri’s body instinctively melted into Mary's as it's done almost every time before.
“Congratulations,” Riri said, partially muffled by Mary’s hair.
“Congratulations to you too,” Mary laughed, pulling back only slightly. “Was my speech okay?”
“More than okay,” she said truthfully. Then, another truth. “I’ve been lying to you.”
Mary frowned, her face confused as she pulled back. “About?”
Riri thought that look alone probably could have killed her, but she stayed strong. “About university. I’m not going. I declined.”
There was an agonizing silence. Riri did not catch Mary’s face this time, considering she had avoided eye contact to make the confession easier. But she did it. She did what was eating at her for an entire week. She was truthful, and that mattered most. Maybe she were half a bad girlfriend now, or maybe she weren’t bad at all. She didn’t care anymore, she just wanted to be honest.
“I know that, Riri.”
Her eyes snapped back up. “What?”
“You think I don’t know you by now? I feel like you’ve been avoiding me since Tuesday. I’m not mad at the fact. I’ve been… a little pushy about it. But I don’t care what you do, it’s not my decision. I only want you to do what makes you happy.”
Oh… that made things, consideringly easier to bear.
“So I’ve been nervous… for nothing?”
Mary smiled. “For absolutely nothing.”
Then Mary slid their hands together and led them through the crowd of people as if nothing had actually happened. Like Riri hadn’t imagined her being dead by now.
Maybe she was just dramatic.
The End