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i.
The shop had been closed for hours by the time Coco was sent to bed. The last’s remains of the day’s warmth still lingered through the house, the evening spring air beginning to creep through the cracks and open windows.
Coco was already tucked beneath her blankets, only her head peeking out from the covers. Her mother sat on the edge of the bed, smoothing down a stubborn tuft of golden green hair that refused to stay in the place she wanted.
Coco watched her mother’s hands as they moved, even as they disappeared from her field of vision. Then, as her mother stopped and reached to pull the blanket a little higher over her shoulders, Coco spoke.
“Mama?”
Her mom looked down at her, her features soft in the candlelight. “Yes, my dear?”
“What’s a soulmate?”
The hand resting on Coco’s blanket stopped. Her mom seemed to be caught off guard, brows lifted and eyes wide. Then, she let out a small but amused breath through her nose.
“...Where did you even learn that word?”
Coco wriggled out of the blankets, eyes shining with the importance of the question.
“I heard from a lady at the shop. She said she wanted to buy a gift for her soulmate.” Coco scrunched up her nose and furrowed her small eyebrows as she tried to remember exactly what the lady had said. She had sounded very happy when she talked about it.
At her mother’s silence, Coco insisted on the question: “So… what’s a soulmate?”
Her mother leaned back slightly, considering the question. She had a small smile, but Coco could see something sad about it.
“You know how much your mama misses your daddy?”
Coco nodded. “Yes.”
Her mom’s golden eyes drifted towards the window beside the bed. Beyond it, the night sky was filled with as many stars as ever.
“Well, that's because he was my soulmate. Or at least the closest thing we have in this world to one.”
Coco thought about that. She had heard her mom talk about dad before. Little things mostly. Stories about him from a time before Coco was ever in their lives, things he used to do around the shop, how his laughter was similar to Coco’s own.
“So, is it someone you marry?”
Her mother's laugh made Coco smile. “Sometimes. But sometimes it's not.”
Coco shifted to lay her cheek on the pillow, eager to hear more. “Are they magic, then?!”
She laughed again, this time more softly.
“Oh, darling… Maybe, who knows? We live in a world where flying carriages are real and natural water lakes clean themselves. But I like to think they’re more than just magic, since anyone can find theirs, not just witches.”
Coco’s face scrunched up in thought. “I don’t understand…”
Her mother seemed to be in thought for several moments before she opened her mouth and spoke again.
“A soulmate… Well, it's like a best friend but more. It's the one person that knows you better than anyone else. It's someone who makes you a better person– actually, they don't make you a better person; you do that yourself because they inspire you.”
She paused, her smile softening as she looked at her daughter, a hand stroking green strands again. “A soulmate is someone who you can carry with you forever. It's the one person who knew you and accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did. Or when no one else would. And no matter what happens, you will always love them. Nothing can ever change that.”
Coco stared at her.
“That’s complicated.”
“It is, isn't it?” Her mother reached down and pulled the blanket up beneath Coco's chin, tucking it snugly around her. “But you shouldn't be worrying about that now, young lady. You're still my baby.”
Coco frowned and pouted at that. “I'm not a baby! I'm almost nine!”
Her mother let out a loud laugh and reached out her hand to pinch her cheek. “You'll always be my darling little girl.”
“Mama!” Coco giggled at that despite her protests.
Her mom settled back where she was at the start of the conversation and began to hum, an old lullaby, one Coco had heard so many times that she knew the melody and lyrics by heart. Her mother’s voice was soft as she sang, the little girl’s eyelids growing heavier with every verse. By the time the song ended, she was already halfway to dreamland.
Her mother brushed a final strand of hair away from her face and pressed a kiss to her forehead. She lowered the flame of the lamp by the bed and rose quietly from the mattress, careful to not disturb the girl, but Coco could still hear the footsteps move toward the door.
Her mother had just reached for the handle when Coco’s eyes opened again
“Mama… will I know when I meet my soulmate?”
Her mother stopped and turned to her. The girl was barely able to make out her features in the darkness, but she could tell she was smiling.
“Maybe not at first. But when you know, you won't be able to forget that love for them.”
Coco smiled sleepily. “Like papa and you.”
Her mother’s expression softened. “Like your papa and me, yes.”
Coco's eyes began to close again. “Goodnight, mama.”
Her mom lingered in the doorway for another moment before speaking up again.
“Goodnight, my dove. Have sweet dreams.”
The door shut softly after that.
Coco curled herself deeper beneath the blankets, her mom’s words lingering in her mind as she drifted to sleep.
A soulmate. Someone who knows you, inspires you, accepts you, and believes in you. Someone you could carry with you forever.
For Coco, that sounded an awful lot like magic.
ii.
Coco had lost track of how long they had been traveling home. It felt like forever, but it also felt like no time at all. She stared at the stars blinking in the sky just like they did the night before, sparkling with unchanged synchrony with the universe like sothing had changed.
Tetia and Richeh were asleep in the wagon just a few feet away from her, chests rising softly with each calming breath they took.
Coco envies them. She wishes she could sleep too. She wishes she could close her eyes and wake up to find that it’s the night before Silver Eve, Agott and she just had a talk and spent what felt like hours making funny sculptures of light while staring at the city lights.
The night of Silver Eve felt like it had lasted forever. The leech, the victims, the pain, the fear–
Her hands curled into the duvet that was on top of her as she tried to breathe normally; she had been doing that for hours. But Coco felt like she had to be strong. The last thing everyone needs after what happened is seeing her fall apart.
Coco swallowed, feeling her hands shake. She needed to calm herself down; she needed–
“Coco, are you sleeping?”
Agott’s voice cuts through the mental fog. She turns her head and looks to her left, finding her roommate staring at the sky, violet eyes reflecting the vastness of the sky and its twinkling residents.
Violet irises meet gold, and Coco realizes there’s no need to keep lying.
“No.” She paused, waiting for a reply from the girl beside her, but when Agott didn’t, she continued. “What is it?”
“Just…” Agott hesitated, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes before opening them again and turning on her side to face the girl. “...Wanted to let you know that… I'm here, okay?”
Coco stared at her, and for some reason, those words made her chest feel tight. She decided to look at the sky again, the bandage covering her left eye not allowing her to see Agott anymore.
“I…” Agott whispered, “I don't know what happened before we met at the hills or after the leech spell…” Coco’s grip on the duvet was tighter now. “...But I'm here for you. No matter where or when, I'll always be here for you.”
Coco was quiet. There was something strange about being understood without having to say anything. She had been trying so hard to hide how frightened she was. And yet, Agott had noticed anyway.
“...You know me.” She spoke after a good while, enough that Coco would be scared that the other girl had fallen asleep.
But she hadn’t. “What?”
Coco turned on her side to face Agott fully now, strands of her hair falling across her eye.
“...No one else noticed. Or at least, they didn't say anything.” She looked at her hands, now in the tight space between the two of them. “But you did.”
Agott was quiet for a moment, eyes travelling wildly between Coco and anything else they could find. Then she gave a small shrug.
“...It's what friends do.”
Friends.
She remembered when Agott refused to use that label months ago after the traumatic landslide on the Staircase River. And yet, here she was. Using the word freely out of her own volition.
Coco smiled at the girl looking into her eyes.
“Yeah…” She let her hand find Agott’s, squeezing it. “I'm glad we're friends, Agott.”
A faint redness appeared in her cheeks; Agott looked at their connected hands before looking away, not before Coco could see a faint smile on her face.
“I'm glad too.”
Coco closed her eyes again, breathing in and out, trying to calm her racing heart and thoughts.
It didn’t work; she still felt scared, her thoughts were still tangled in a web of memories she wished to keep and ones she wished to forget, and of course, there were things she wasn’t ready to talk about yet.
But Agott was there. And at least for now that made things a little bit easier.
iii.
The afternoon sun was warm against Coco’s back; she and the other apprentices had been practicing outside in the hills around the atelier for most of the day. Master Qifrey had given them an assignment, a problem that should be solved with magic that they should themselves create from scratch. Everyone had found their own little spot in the grassy hills and not too far from the other girls; Coco found one for her as well.
She had also found out she couldn’t get her idea to work. The magic either fizzled out too quickly or lasted too long. Either it was powerful enough to make her reel back or weak enough that she barely noticed the effect.
She stared at her last failed attempt in her hands, and her shoulders dropped.
“This is stupid!”
Tetia looked over from her own spell. “What's wrong, Coco?”
“I can't find a way to make this spell work.” She rested her chin on the palm of her hand, pouting while Tetia shuffled a little closer.
“Do you need help?”
Coco looked at the growing pile of failed spells beside her and sighed.
“At this point, I think giving up is better.”
Tetia gasped at her words. “Don't say that! I'm sure you can find a way to fix it! Just let me know if you need anything.”
Coco puffed out her cheeks as she stared at Tetia’s back as the taller apprentice went back to her spot. Usually Tetia’s encouragement made her feel better. Right now, it didn’t.
Coco let herself fall backward onto the grass, crossing her arms and staring at the vast open sky.
Maybe I should stop trying that, she thought to herself. There’s plenty of other things I’m good at.
She rolled to her side, facing the short grass in her face, but now staring at Agott, who wasn’t that far from her. Coco decided to watch her.
Her roommate was completely absorbed in her own work, brows furrowed in concentration. Around her, a similar sight. Crumpled papers tossed aside, torn failed spells, just like the ones around Coco.
Coco blinked. Agott is failing too? She asked herself, not having noticed it earlier because she was so absorbed in her own spell and ideas.
Agott drew another spell, closing the circle around it while Coco watched her carefully.
It failed.
Agott’s brows furrowed further as she stared at the remains of her attempt before nodding her head, tossing the attempt aside and turning for another page in the palmquire.
Coco blinked in surprise. She expected Agott to be angry; she remembered the times Agott would get so mad at failing at a spell that she would throw a fit and mess with her own table to let out steam.
But now… Agott did look frustrated, but she didn’t stop.
She tried again. It failed. She paused in thought before another piece of paper joined the others around her.
Coco stared at her friend. There was something different about Agott’s face now. Her eyes weren’t filled with the frustration Coco had felt. They burned with something akin to determination.
She drew another spell as Coco propped herself up on her elbows in expectation.
It failed, but Agott kept trying, again and again and again. She didn’t seem to care about how many pieces of paper ended up around her. Every failure only made her pick up another page and start over.
Then, finally, something changed.
The spell that had failed so many times worked. Agott stared at it for a moment before a big smile spread across her face, eyes shining. She looked up, and her eyes met Coco’s.
Coco looked away, not sure why she felt embarrassed for watching. But when she looked back, Agott was still staring at her, still smiling, although it had changed from the grin she had earlier to a small and more contained smile.
Coco’s eyes fell from her face to the pile of papers at Agott’s feet, before looking at her own.
She had been so angry about it, so frustrated that it wouldn’t work no matter how many times she tried. But Agott failed too, lots of times.
And yet, she kept going anyway.
Coco sat up and reached for her discarded palm quire. From the corner of her eye, she could see Tetia looking over curiously.
She thought about what she wanted to create and started drawing, trying it with a few different sigils this time.
It failed again.
Coco stared at it, and for a moment, she felt the earlier frustration and anger rising in her chest. But then she remembered Agott, with her pile of failed attempts but a determined look in her eyes anyway.
Coco tore the paper away and started over again. She still didn’t know how to make her idea work, but now she wanted to find out and understand why it succeeded while the others failed.
And when the next attempt failed too, Coco didn't tear the paper away in anger.
She simply looked at it and then started again.
iv.
The room was dark. So dark she couldn’t see the walls or the floor beneath her feet either.
There was only darkness and the sound of footsteps somewhere behind her. She needed to run, to hide so they wouldn’t find her again.
Her legs hurt; she couldn’t remember for how long she had been running, only that she couldn’t stop. If she stopped, they would catch her. If they caught her–
She kept running, the darkness seeming to stretch on forever; she could make out a few branches of trees, dark as everything around her.
The footsteps continued, somehow closer despite the fact she hadn’t stopped or slowed down.
A voice called after her, calm. Maybe too calm. It told her that she was making the wrong choice, that she was wasting her time, that she could do everything stop if she only listened.
She covered her ears; she didn’t want to hear them or anything.
The voices kept coming, changing. Sometimes they sounded like the brimmed caps; sometimes they sounded like people she knew; sometimes they sounded like her own voice.
They all said the same things: that she could make this easier, that she was the salvation of the future of magic, and that there was no need to be afraid. She was their Child of Hope.
She ran faster somehow, despite the tears from the pain she was feeling.
She stumbled, tripping over something in the infinite darkness. She tried to get up, but she couldn’t see anything–
A hand caught her. She tried to scream, to pull away, but no matter how hard she struggled, they wouldn’t let go. She couldn’t breathe; she couldn’t–
“Coco…”
She froze. The voice was right in front of her, soft, familiar.
She looked up, a figure in the darkness that she couldn’t make out the face. But the curls she had spent hours of her teenage years admiring, wishing she could run her fingers through were recognizable despite the darkness.
“Coco.”
The voice–
Coco took a step back. The figure stepped closer as the darkness shifted
“Coco!”
Coco screamed as she jolted awake. Her whole body lurched forward, and for a moment she couldn’t tell where she was. Her heart was pounding so hard it hurt; she couldn’t breathe–
She tried to focus on her surroundings. Her eyes slowly recognized her room in the darkness, her cloak hanging by the door, her dresser, her pillows and covers and–
Agott was there, sitting on the bed beside her, looking at her with worry, real–
She stopped that thought. What if she wasn’t? They had done this; they could make her see things, trust people and voices that weren’t really there just so they could crush her hopes.
Coco’s breathing became more labored.
At that, Agott reached for her, but Coco flinched away, curling into herself.
She saw sadness flash across Agott’s features before she composed herself.
“Coco… It’s okay.” Coco stared at her. The voice. It was Agott’s for sure; she had heard it countless times. But even then, it wasn’t enough.
She kept staring at Agott, looking in her face for something that would prove this wasn’t real, that she had been taken back by the Brimmed Caps–
There was nothing. Just Agott, just her best friend. The realization broke something inside Coco.
She started crying. Not the quiet kind of crying she had been doing when she didn’t want people to hear or notice.
She sobbed, uncurling her body and throwing herself in Agott’s direction, hands grabbing her clothes, holding as tightly as she could, afraid the girl would disappear.
Agott didn’t pull away, wrapping her arms around Coco instead. Coco buried her face against her shoulder.
She was real, she was warm, she was breathing. Coco could feel it, feel Agott’s hands on her back, feel the soft fabric of her nightwear beneath her fingers.
Real. Real. Real.
“Shh… It’s okay… Breathe with me, alright? In… and out…”
Coco tried, feeling Agott’s chest rising against her own as a guide. Her own breathing hitched. She tried again.
Agott took a slow breath, waiting for Coco to follow. “In…” Coco breathed in shakily. “And out…” She let it out, repeating it again and again.
The tightness in her chest slowly began to loosen
“Good job.”
Coco cried harder at the words, not fully understanding why. Maybe it was because Agott wasn’t asking her to stop crying, or because she wasn’t telling Coco everything was fine when it clearly wasn’t.
Coco held on tighter. “I-I’m so-sorry–”
“What are you apologizing for?” Agott asked, her voice soft.
“I-I- I don’t know–”
Agott’s hand moved slowly up and down her back. “It’s okay to not know.”
Coco squeezed her eyes shut; her thoughts were still racing, remembering the voices, the days that never seemed to end, the thing they said and wanted her to believe. She remembered thinking that nobody would come and she was going to lose her mind in that place.
And now Agott was here.
Coco’s fingers tightened in her clothes.
“Y-You shouldn’t have b-bothered with me.”
Agott pulled back just enough to look at her. Her expression was tired, but there wasn’t a single hint of annoyance in it.
“I'm always going to be by your side, Coco. That's what best friends do.” Coco’s eyes filled with tears again as Agott held her gaze. “If no one else in the world believes you, I’ll be right here, believing you until my last breath.”
Coco couldn’t answer; she frankly didn’t need to. She simply threw her arms around Agott again, and Agott held her, kissing the top of her head.
For a while, neither said anything. Coco’s crying gradually became quieter. Her breathing slowed, the room stopped feeling like the dark place from her nightmare, and she could still feel Agott’s warmth and smell.
Every time fear tried to pull her back into that place, she had someone to hold on to.
Coco was safe. Agott was right here.
And for tonight, that was more than enough.
v.
The night sky in the Naakiwan Downs was clear, and from the roof of the atelier, the stars seemed close enough to touch.
Coco was sitting, leaning back on her hands. She had always liked the stars; there was something comforting about knowing that they were always there, even when she couldn’t see them during the day.
Agott was lying down, a book resting open in her hands. More accurately, Agott’s head was resting in Coco’s lap while she read, the Floatglow Lamp beside the two girls bright enough to allow her eyes to see the letters in the pages.
Coco tried not to move too much, not wanting to disturb her girlfriend. She looked down at her and smiled. Her hair was spread across Coco’s lap, softly illuminated by the lamp and the moonlight. Every so often, Agott’s eyes moved across the page, and Coco found herself watching her instead of the stars.
She had always loved watching her. She loved the way Agott’s eyebrows furrowed when she was concentrating. She loved the tiny smile that appeared whenever she found something interesting. She loved how Agott could spend hours explaining something she cared about, even if Coco didn’t understand half of it. She loved how she always noticed when Coco was upset, how she could tell when something was wrong even when Coco said nothing, how she never made Coco feel like she had to hide the parts of herself that scared her.
She gently brushed a stray lock of hair away from Agott’s face. Agott didn’t look up from her book.
Coco looked back at the sky. She never stopped being amazed at how many stars there were.
She wondered how many stories people had made about them across time. She wondered how many times the stars had witnessed a scene like the one they were in, a couple of lovers who would spend their night looking at the vastness of the cosmos.
Coco pointed upwards and spoke. “Do you see that one?”
Agott didn’t immediately look up from her book, turning to the next page. “Which one?”
“The one that looks like an owlcat!” At that, she finally glanced towards the sky and squinted.
“I don’t see any of that, Coco.”
“What?! Look, you can see the head and the wings!” Coco tried to draw with the tip of her fingers to showcase her point.
Agott stared for another moment. “...Maybe?”
Coco pouted. “Maybe?!”
Agott shrugged and returned to her book while Coco huffed and crossed her arms, looking away dramatically.
But the attitude didn’t last long, and before she realized it, her eyes drifted back down to Agott.
There was something about seeing her like this that made Coco’s chest feel warm. Maybe it was because Agott didn’t let anyone but Coco see her like this or do things like laying her head in a lap.
Coco thought about all the years they had spent together. Half a decade of love and friendship and moments she wishes she could relive, even the difficult ones.
Suddenly, a memory that had nothing to do with Agott popped into her mind, something from almost a decade ago instead of half.
“What’s a soulmate?”
Coco could remember lying in bed as a little girl, listening to her mother’s voice in the low light.
A soulmate was a best friend, but so much more. It’s someone who knows you better than anyone else, someone who inspires you to be a better person. A soulmate was someone who you can carry with you forever, someone who accepted you, believed in you before anyone else did, or when no one else would do it.
She thought about the times when she and Agott realized things about each other without saying a word, knowing each other like someone knows the back of their own hand. She thought about the times Agott would inspire her without saying anything; just because she was there, she made Coco want to be a better person. She thought about the times Agott was there for her when no one else was, when no one else would.
Coco’s heart skipped a beat as she looked down at Agott for a long moment.
There was no doubt anymore. She understood. Her mother had said that maybe she wouldn’t know at first. And she hadn’t. Not when she was twelve, thirteen, or even sixteen. She had simply kept finding her way back to Agott, again and again, until one day she realized that she couldn’t imagine a future that didn’t include her.
Coco smiled, feeling the corner of her eyes sting, finally truly understanding what her mother meant half a life ago.
“Agott?” The girl made an inquisitive noise, not looking up from the book. “Do you believe in soulmates?”
Coco watched as the book almost slipped from her hands as her head snapped up to look at her.
“Huh?” Her girlfriend studied her face for a moment before answering. “Yes.”
Coco’s smile grew at that.
“Good, because I’m sure you’re mine.”
Agott blinked up at her, and for a moment, she looked almost surprised.
Then her expression softened into a small, fond smile.
“You are mine as well.”
Coco’s heart felt like it might burst. She let out a happy laugh and leaned down to kiss her forehead, brushing away dark curls before taking Agott’s face in her hands and pulling her up into a proper kiss, which Agott returned happily, neither the girls cared as the book tumbled down from her hands, falling down the roof somewhere below.
Above them, the stars continued to shine. Coco had spent years wondering what a soulmate was, and now she knew.
And she couldn’t have been happier with the answer.