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Tim notices it when they first start dating. She will be doing something and then just apologize suddenly when he walks into the room or when he asks what she’s doing. He doesn’t think much of it at first because he thinks maybe she was just startled.
But then it keeps happening, and she keeps apologizing. And he realizes that there is something more to it. He realizes that she is apologizing for every little thing.
And he’s not sure why.
He plans to ask her about it but then she doesn’t do it as much and it tapers off. It starts up again one day while she’s washing the dishes after dinner. He told her he would do the dishes so she could get Emma ready for bed.
“Lucy,” he says gently. “I can do the dishes. I told you—” Lucy freezes and one of the dishes slips out of her hand into the sink.
“Sorry.” She says. “I know you said that. I just forgot and the house is such a mess.” Tim frowns a little. The house wasn’t a mess considering a two year old was now living here and her toys were in everyone room of the house. Lucy and Emma had moved in recently and while it was a little more crowded he wouldn’t have it any other way.
He loves having them here.
“You don’t need to apologize babe.” Tim says. “The house is fine. I can do the dishes, you go get Emma ready for bed.” Lucy doesn’t say anything just slowly backs away. Tim watches her go and he wants to say more but he doesn’t know what.
He steps up to the sink and starts to wash the dishes, his mind going to Lucy. He would talk to her later and figure this all out.
No matter what.
***
The next time it happens is a few days later, they have both been busy at work and didn’t communicate who would pick Emma up from daycare. Lucy comes running up to him with a panicked look on her face.
“I’m sorry,” she says. “I meant to tell you but I need you to pick Emma up from daycare.” Tim frowns a little and watches as Lucy’s face falls a little. He doesn’t realize it at first because he’s busy mulling over the fact that he has a lot more to do at work. He thought Lucy would be able to pick her up.
“Luce, I can’t.” He says. “If you told me earlier—”
“I’m sorry.” She says again. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault. Just forget about it.” She gives him a look and then hurries off before he can say anything more.
***
It happens again that night and he’s really more confused than anything He ends up leaving work early and driving home a little distracted. He ends up getting into a fender bender, and has to call Lucy to come pick him up.
“What happened?” She asks as soon as she is out of her car. She runs over to him and looks him up and down.
“I was distracted.” He says honestly. “I’m not hurt—”
“Distracted?” She asks and looks towards her car. “Because of me?”
“No Luce—”
“I’m sorry. I never should have—” She says. “You could have gotten hurt because you—”
“Lucy!” Tim says. “Please relax. It’s okay. I’m just— why do you keep apologizing?” Lucy doesn’t reply just watches as Tim’s truck is towed away.
“I messed up.”
“No you didn’t.” He says. “It was a miscommunication. You got Emma right?” Lucy nods and Tim starts walking towards the car. He looks in and sees Emma in her car seat, looking at one of her books.
“Hi Emma.” He says. Emma looks up and she smiles and starts bouncing in her seat.
“Im! Im!” She squeals. “Me.”
“I see you baby.” Tim says and then looks at his girlfriend who is on the other side of the car. She still looks distracted and he doesn’t know what to do.
“Keys Luce.” He says. She doesn’t hesitate and tosses him the keys. He climbs in and she does too.
“I’m sorry.” She says. Tim reaches over for her hand and squeezes it.
“It’s okay Lucy. Everything will be okay.” He says and he keeps holding her hand all the way home. She is okay. He is okay. Emma is okay.
She is safe.
He would figure it out later, right now he just wants her to know she is okay.
That’s all that matters right now.
***
The next time it happens is when she accidentally shrinks one of his shirts. It’s one of those that can’t be put in the dryer. Tim knows it was an accident as soon as he pulls it out, it got mixed in with Emma’s stuff. He sighs a little but then just puts it aside, he plans to show it to her later but he forgets about it.
Lucy finds it later and comes into the bedroom with it clutched in her hands.
“I’m sorry.” She says, and she actually looks like she is on the verge of tears. “I didn’t realize it was in the pile of laundry.”
“It’s okay babe.” Tim says and he steps closer to her. “It’s not a big deal. It’s just a shirt.”
“Your favorite one.” Lucy mutters. Tim studies her for a few seconds. He’s not sure he has a favorite shirt. Lucy has pointed out that he has the same shirt in different colors. This was just one of those things where mistakes happen.
“It’s just a shirt Lucy.” He says gently. “It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry.” She says again and it’s like she’s not hearing what he is saying. “I won’t do it again. I’m—”
“Okay,” Tim says. “Why do you keep apologizing? It’s not a big deal.”
“But it is.” Lucy insists. “I promise I won’t do it again. I know you—”
“You know I what?” Tim asks. “Do you think I am mad about this?” Lucy hesitates but finally nods. Tim just waits for her to explain.
“Why wouldn’t you be?” She asks. “I mess everything up. Everything is good and—”
Tim sighs a little, he’s not mad. He’s confused as to why she thinks he would be mad.
“I’m not mad Luce.” He says. “Okay? I’m really not.” Lucy’s face changes a little and she clutches the shirt closer to her.
“Okay.”
“Why do you think I would be mad at you?” Tim asks curiously. Lucy doesn’t look at him.
“I did this once before with—” she trails off and she doesn’t need to finish for Tim to know who she is talking about.
Chris Sanford.
It makes sense now.
“Oh Luce.” He mutters.
“I’m sorry.” She says. “You are not him.” Tim shakes his head, he understands that getting out of a abusive relationship is hard and it takes a lot to heal from it. He understands that there are still some things that triggers her.
He gets it.
“Don’t apologize baby.” He says and he pulls her into a hug. “I’m not mad and I’m not him.”
“Thank god.” She mutters and looks up at him. “I know that but it’s just—”
“I get it Luce.” He says. “It’s okay just breathe.” She takes a deep breath and he just holds her.
They would talk about this more later but for right now she’s safe. She is okay and that’s all that matters.
***
The next time it happens, she moves some stuff around. It’s just in the kitchen drawers but when he goes looking for a certain utensil he can’t find it and soon he’s tearing apart the drawers.
“Tim?” He looks over to see Lucy holding Emma in her arms. The little girl looks like she just woke up from her nap. “What’s going on?”
“I can’t find that spatula I always use for the grill. It was in here but—” He says and then pauses as Lucy walks over to another drawer and pulls the spatula out. He stares at it and then at Lucy.
“Why did you move it?” He asks without even realizing how he sounds. He’s frustrated but not at her. Not really. “It was fine where it is.”
“I’m sorry.” Lucy says. She puts the spatula on the counter and she backs away. Her grip on Emma tightens and that’s when Tim realizes. His heart drops and he feels terrible.
“No, it’s okay.” He says.
“It fit better in that drawer. I know it’s further away but I needed to put some—” She says. “Never mind it doesn’t matter. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry baby.” Tim says stepping closer to her. “I didn’t mean—I’m not mad. You are okay.” Lucy puts Emma on the ground but the toddler clings to her leg.
Tim reaches down and scoops Emma up he gives her a kiss and then gives Lucy a soft kiss. He feels bad and he knows it’s not a big deal but Lucy had to live with Chris’s abuse far longer than she should have.
He would never be that person, Lucy and Emma deserved all the love and he knew what it was like to be in a abusive house firsthand.
But still—
He feels bad and he never wants Lucy to feel like she has to apologize. He wants her to she is safe here with him.
“I’m sorry.” Lucy says. “I’m—” Tim cuts her off with a quick kiss and then carries Emma over to the living room where her toys are. He puts her down and she immediately crawls over to one of her dolls.
He should do this later but he wants her to know now. He wants her to know that she doesn’t need to apologize. He wants her to know she’s safe.
He walks over to Lucy and pulls her into a hug, and just holds her. “I’m sorry.” She mutters. He pulls back to look at her.
“Don’t apologize babe. Okay? You are okay.” He says.
“I’m sorry.” She says and her cheeks flush a little. “Sorry.” Tim laughs and gives her a kiss.
“It’s okay.”
“I had to walk on eggshells around him.” She says suddenly. “If I ever moved something around he would get mad. I had to for all Emma’s bottles and stuff.”
“Oh Luce.”
“He just made me feel like I couldn’t do anything.” She says. “I was trapped. Everything I did was wrong, and now when I mess up….”
“Okay.” Tim says softly. “You know I haven’t really talked about my dad.”
“No.” Lucy says shaking her head. “You don’t have to babe.”
“He was an abusive bastard too. A monster.” Tim says. “He was always drunk. Always angry about something and I protected my mom and my sister.”
“Oh Tim.” Lucy says and there are tears in her eyes. “I’m so sorry baby. I had no idea.”
“I don’t like to talk about it.” He says. “But you know it’s part of my story and sadly Chris is a part of yours. You never have to apologize to me. You are safe.”
“With you.” She says although it sound like it’s more for herself.
“Always.” Tim says. “Always Luce. You and Emma.”
“Okay.”
“I love you.” He says because he needs her to know it.
“I love you too.”