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Ramona feels a little sick, stepping back into Gordon’s cottage.
Her year away had changed her. Her hair is a little shorter, she has on new shoes, her gaze is a little less intense, but she carries herself like she is sure of who she is and where she comes from.
And she is sure. She is sure about many things now.
“You’ll forget about me,” Oona had said, all those months ago, leaning against her couch and doing that thing where she pretended not to care, “And that’s okay.”
Ramona definitely had not forgotten about her.
Quite the opposite, actually. She saw Oona everywhere.
“I miss her,” She’d said to Connor one night, four drinks deep, feeling small and pathetic. “I can’t stop thinking about her.” He didn’t even have to ask who she meant.
“Dude,” He’d said, reaching over to squeeze her shoulder, swaying with the movement, “Fuck. Her. She dumped you.” He’d punctuated his sentence with an accusing jab to her chest, and some of his drink spilled over the rim of his solo cup onto her new, expensive shoes.
She’d sniffed.
“I’ve seen, like, so many girls looking at you tonight.” He’d nodded very seriously, surveying the party. “You know what you need?”
“What?”
“You need to set your big sad, yearning gaze on someone new and forget all about her. This is your year! You’re supposed to live. Have some fucking fun.”
Ramona took his advice. She’d had flings, she saw the world, just like Oona told her to.
She half wants to lie to herself, to say she’d hated New York, hated all of it. She could part with it, then. She could come home and fix everything.
But she really, really likes New York. She likes the bustle of the city, she likes the people and the food and the big buildings. She likes feeling like she can fade into the background, like she can just be.
But something was missing, and it gnawed at her all the time. She couldn’t stop thinking about how much Oona would love it here, too. It's like she is present in every little corner of the city, and Ramona sees her. She sees her so much, too much. It hurts.
Ramona passes a fancy prep school on her walk to school every morning and can’t stop picturing how good Maple would do there. She sees an ad on a telephone pole and suddenly can’t get the old little vacant apartment five blocks down out of her head.
There is a hole inside of her, and it hurts a little more each day.
She feels it claw its way closer to her heart, the second she enters her old home.
Annie is here, of course, gushing over her and holding her close, even though they call every day and Annie came home for spring break not too long ago.
Ellis is here, too. He flew her up here, after all. He stands smiling at her. His arm is around Annie’s waist, and she’s got a hand on his shoulder. Ramona tries to feel happy for them.
“So, obviously, I’m throwing you a party.” Annie starts, grabbing for her and hugging her again.
Ramona laughs, but her heart drops a little. “Dude, please don’t.”
“Nope,” Her sister says, popping the p, “This isn’t up for debate. Everyone misses you! They want to see you.”
Ramona detaches herself, pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs. “When?”
Annie smiles. “Tonight.” A pause. “She’ll be there.”
Six hours later, Ramona stands alone in their room. She’d changed her outfit a zillion times, and she’s already a little too high. She’s anxious, bouncing on the balls of her feet. It’s pathetic.
She has to muster up every ounce of courage to come downstairs.
But when she does, she’s welcomed warmly by all her friends, and she realizes she’s missed them too.
There’s new people here too, people Ramona doesn’t recognize. She wonders how much of all her friends’ lives she’s missed.
Oona’s not here. Or Maple. Ramona’s heart hurts a little at that, but she brushes past it. She’s well practiced in this, after all. She’s spent the past nine months trying not to miss Oona.
It takes an entire hour. Ramona starts to believe she’s really not going to show up.
But then Oona comes confidently strutting through the front door like she’s right on time, Maple in tow. Ramona wonders, dumbly, if she’d had to work herself up to come here too.
The thought makes her frown, because Oona is glowing. She’s beautiful, more alive than Ramona remembers. She can’t imagine this girl being nervous.
Oona’s grinning, hugging Annie, then Sully, then Ellis, and already charming the room. Her smile is dazzling and infectious. Her hair is golden brown and she’s already properly sunkissed, which is ridiculous because it's still barely even June.
She hasn’t changed, Ramona thinks to herself, she hasn’t changed at all.
But then Oona moves just right and Ramona realizes that yes, yes she has. She grew up. It’s subtle. She has new rings on her fingers, and Ramona notices a second piercing in her ear lobe. She stands a little straighter and shifts her weight in a way she never would have before.
Before.
Nope. She can’t do it.
Ramona turns and bolts outside.
She sits down on the porch, lights a cigarette with shaky hands. She pushes a piece of hair out of her eyes, tries to breathe.
This is so much worse, Ramona realizes, it’s so much worse missing her when she’s right here.
The door creaks open and Ramona whips around. Oona is standing there, because of course she is. But the confident girl is gone. Oona looks tired and sad. Her arms are crossed.
Ramona feels enraged, suddenly, and turns back around. Oona broke up with her. What could she possibly have to be sad about?
She sucks smoke into her mouth, angrily, and Oona just stands there. It's a long time, too long, before she sits.
“Are you alright?” She asks.
Ramona bites her tongue. “Fine.” She passes the cigarette to Oona.
There’s a long stretch of silence before Ramona finally turns to her, and Oona has the cigarette between her lips. She’s looking at Ramona in that gentle way of hers, her mouth is a little downturned and her green eyes are wide. Her eyebrows scrunch together, just a little, when Ramona looks at her.
And Ramona just melts.
“Oona…” She says, and Oona nods like she knows exactly what Ramona means.
She really, really feels like hurting herself all over again.
Ramona bites her lip and turns away before she can.
“Did you like it?” Oona asks, a little too fast.
“What?”
Ramona looks at her again, but she’s just staring off into the woods now.
“New York." She passes the cigarette back. Ramona takes a drag, tries not to think about how it was touching Oona’s lips too.
“Yeah.” Ramona says simply, like it's not a loaded question with a complicated answer.
Oona nods, like that’s what she’d been expecting Ramona to say.
“You’re going back then? At the end of summer?”
Ramona swallows thickly. “Yes.”
“Okay. Good.”
And then she’s back inside. Ramona tries not to think about what that means.
She’s laying on her bed and reading (moping), three days later, when Oona’s little sister barges into the cottage.
“Maple!” Ramona says, shooting out of bed.
The girl in question lets out an exasperated sigh and looks so over it in a way that only thirteen-year-olds can muster. She realizes with a pang that Maple is rapidly approaching her own meager height. Ramona wonders if she’ll be as tall as her sister.
“I can’t do this anymore.” She exclaims, crossing her arms and looking pointedly at Ramona. “Both of you are being so stupid!”
“What?”
“All she does is mope around all day. I’m done!”
Ramona’s eyebrows raise a little at that, but she just huffs and leans back against her bed. “Dude, how is that my fault? Oona dumped me, you know.” She feels bitter. Vindictive.
Maples rolls her eyes. “Please just talk to her.” She looks a little more serious then, and wise beyond her years. More like the kid Ramona recognizes. “She still loves you, you know.”
They stare at each for a beat. With that, Maple turns on her heel and waltzes back down the stairs.
It’s Canada Day, early evening. Ramona goes to some rich kid house party with Annie. She’s moping, still, and Annie’s trying her very best to cheer her up.
They walk in and Ramona just knows, immediately, that she’s here.
Shockingly, Oona’s not currently making out with anyone when Ramona spots her. There’s a girl talking to her, though. Leaning in a little too close and running a hand down Oona’s arm.
Oona catches her eye. Ramona stomps away, infuriated.
She can hear Oona behind her, calling her name over the thumping of the base drum.
“Ramona, wait!” She hears her call once they’re outside on the dock, all alone now.
Ramona halts and whips around. “Why?” She shakes her head. “Don’t pretend like you actually care.”
Oona stops, breathing a little hard. “I wasn't, like, going to hook up with her.” She nods back towards the party.
“I don’t give a single fuck what you do. It’s not like we’re together.”
Oona stares Ramona down like she knows her. Which is infuriating, because she doesnt. Not anymore. “I did it for you, you know.”
Ramona shakes her head. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
Oona frowns, twists her hands together, catches herself, stops.
“You needed to go to New York. You wouldn’t have if I didn’t end it.”
Ramona stares at her, anger welling in her chest.
“No,” She points an accusatory finger, “You gave up. You were so scared of being left that you decided to break my heart before I could break yours. I’m supposed to think that’s some kind of selfless act?” She scoffs, stepping back. “Fuck that.”
Oona stills a little, narrows her eyes, and her face goes very flat. “Maybe I was scared. You fucking left! For a whole year! I called. I called a lot. You always run away. It's what you do, Ramona. You run.”
“Gordon was dying, Oona.”
“I know. I know that. But you couldn’t just call me back? Not once?”
Oona turns away, arms crossed and jaw clenched. There’s a long pause before she speaks again. “Would you have gone anyways?”
“What?”
“If we didn’t… break up, would you still have gone?”
Ramona exhales and scuffs the sole of her foot against the wood of the dock. “I don’t know. You didn’t even give me a chance. We could’ve… I don’t know. We could’ve worked something out.”
She sighs, feeling the fight leave her body, and shuffles forward. “I loved you Oona. I mean, I still…” She sniffs, hugging herself. “I would’ve tried, for you.”
Oona’s eyebrows pinch together, and her face looks open. Ramona reaches out, against her better judgement, and grips Oona’s sweater, just like that night outside the cottage.
Oona is so close that Ramona can feel her breathing, can see exactly how her face shifts when she relents, when she leans in.
Their lips meet, and the first kiss is soft and tender, like a reunion. Ramona rubs her nose against Oona’s when it's over.
“I still love you,” Oona breathes against her cheek, “I do. I waited for you.”
Ramona smiles, melting against her and feeling emotional. She fits their lips together chastely, “I love you too.”
The next kiss is different. It's hungry, aching. Oona licks into Ramona’s mouth, matching her pace. Oona tastes like lipgloss and smoke and Ramona’s heart stutters, beating out of her chest.
Oona grips her jaw and moves to Ramona’s neck, sucking and licking and biting.
Ramona drops her hands to Oona’s hips, pulling their bodies flush against one another. Oona finds her pulsepoint, scrapes her teeth against it, and Ramona downright whines, high and girlish and needy.
Oona pulls back, and Ramona sputters, embarrassed. But Oona’s lips are red and swollen, her lip gloss is smeared and her eyes are so, so dark. She’s looking down at Ramona in a way that makes her stomach flip.
“You’re so pretty,” She breathes, and they fit their mouths back together.
Oona looks pleased with herself, when they finally part. She looks more like her old self.
“Come back to my place?” Ramona says, breathy. Oona nods.
So they begin again. Annie smirks at her in the kitchen on the morning after, knowingly. Their friends all steal glances at each other when Oona smiles at her, when Oona grabs her hand.
Ramona’s floating. She feels whole again. In more ways than one.
It’ll be different this time, she tells herself when Oona pushes her up against the wall of the cottage. It’ll be different this time, when she’s three fingers deep inside of Oona. It’ll be different this time, when Oona pulls her close at night and fits their bodies together just right.
Connor comes to visit some time after Canada Day. They’re all lounging by the water.
Oona’s laughing at something Sully says, and she presses her body up against Ramona’s. She’d laid their towels right next to each other for this explicit purpose, Ramona’s sure of it.
When she gets up to follow Annie and Sully somewhere, she presses a kiss to Ramona’s cheek before she slips away.
Ramona lays there, drying in the sun, smiling like an idiot as she watches her go.
“I see you got wifey back." Connor says from next to her, smoking a joint.
From behind her book, Maple mutters a disgruntled, “Finally.”
But Ramona’s too happy, uncharacteristically so, to let it affect her. Instead she sighs and lays back against her towel.
“I missed her.” She says, dreamily.
“Oh trust me, I know.” Connor shakes his head. “What are you gonna do when you come back to New York?"
It's an innocent question, and Connor certainly doesn’t realize the implication when he says it. But it stops Ramona in her tracks and makes her heart drop into her stomach.
She stops avoiding the topic and thinks about it, finally. Once she starts she can’t stop.
It's a week later, early August now. They’re sitting outside the house boat and watching the sun go down. Ramona can’t hold it in anymore.
“Come to New York with me.” She blurts.
Oona smiles a little, like Ramona’s playing some cruel joke, “What?”
“I can’t do it without you. I mean, I like it, New York, I really do, but I miss you. I don’t want to leave you again.” Ramona babbles, catches herself, holds her breath. “Please. I think you’d like it, too.”
It’s not the little apartment Ramona dreamed of five blocks down from the Jacobsons', but Annie finds one that is only four away instead. It's a beautiful building, and the unit itself is all wood floors and old tile. It's a ridiculous price for a studio, but Ramona manages to guilt Steven into paying the rent.
Ellis drives them down from Toronto, car loaded up with all of Oona and Maple’s things.
They all help the sisters move in. There’s not much stuff to be honest. Ramona carries up Maple’s beloved house plants carefully, and hangs up Oona’s posters. She thumbs through old pictures and books and smiles. She pretends she doesn’t hear when Maple starts saying something about a cat.
There’s no couch yet, but there’s a queen sized mattress pushed up against a window, and a twin fits perfectly into the walk-in closet.
The place is mostly empty, and a little foreign, but they’re surrounded by old books and polaroids and familiar nick-nacks.
Cars and people move about outside. Dogs bark and pigeons coo.
It's early September, still warm. Golden light pours onto Oona’s mattress where Ramona lays. Oona is nearby, smoking a cigarette and reading a pamphlet for NYU.
Ramona reaches for her, pulls their bodies together, just because she can. Oona giggles when she kisses her.
All the others had gone home for the evening. But this time, Ramona stays.