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Sovereign,
An indignity! An absolute and utter indignity!
I can only assume that you were not made aware of the conditions in which the creditors of Brimwood kept their victims, else you would not have subjected me to such a fate. Some of your other knights, perhaps, but not someone of my stature or greatness. It is an outrage of the greatest magnitude, not to mention utterly unacceptable.
Normally I would not insult a sovereign thus, but you leave me no choice. It is now only all too clear to me why you would allow plebeian scum to stay in the Tower while you would cast out one such as myself. You know not who your betters are.
A common beggar stumbling out of the forest only to open the doors of Brizh's legendary Tower by mere chance? Forgive me if I don't believe it. I would go so far as to call it foul play! Some sort of ploy or trick—you may have the wool pulled over the eyes of most of your subjects, but not mine. I can see you for what you truly are: a pretender, warming a seat not truly meant for you.
I look forward to the day that all Bretania realizes the mistake that was made in allowing you to rule them all. You will yet rue the day you subjected someone of my fine breeding to such a fate.
Yours in indignity,
Gwendan of Villador
[ seized and destroyed upon arrival at the Brimwood penitentiary ]
Sovereign,
Brimwood is a cesspit, if you must know. Those that haven't already given up all pride in their station are as arrogant as they are foolish; they know not superiority when they see it. Instead, they mock and jeer upon seeing their betters—I suppose that must mean you'd fit right in with this lowly rabble!
I thought the food served in the Tower kitchens was vile, but somehow the Brimwood penitentiaries even manage to top that. The bread is stale, salt is considered optional in any given so-called "dish," and water is all there is to drink.
Well, I refuse. I refuse it all. And I certainly refuse you and whatever vile lesson you're determined to have me learn by subjecting me to this pathetic rabble. "Work" will start tomorrow. I dread to think of what it will involve at all.
In contempt,
Gwendan of Villador
[ stepped on and torn, later discarded ]
Sovereign,
For all that it's worth, I have learned the lesson and I am ready to return to the Tower. I expect an escort back any d—
[ torn to pieces ]
To the so-called "Sovereign",
Everyone here is awful. Rotten to the core. I have been—I can hardly stand to write the word—beaten.
Many times, if you must know.
Does that make you happy, O Great Sovereign? Does it?
[ tearstains dot the paper, later torn up and discarded ]
To the pretender sitting upon the throne of the Tower,
I'm sure you must be utterly delighted, imagining my misfortune from your ivory tower! What fun that must be! No doubt you and the other knights there are laughing at me as we speak. As if I hadn't suffered enough.
Was it not enough that my parents
If I am murdered in this vile place, I will haunt you for the rest of your days.
Forever furious,
Gwendan of Villador
[ seized by one of the jailors, never recovered ]
Sovereign,
They still feed me, strangely. It matters not how many times I insult my jailor, the food still ends up in front of my cell more often than not.
No doubt it's been urinated on.
If you knew these were the conditions I was being subjected to here, I am quite certain that you would regret your unfortunate actions in sending me here.
It could have been quite simple! You could have paid off the debtors, and I would have ensured that my aunt and her friends rewarded you handsomely for it. I'm sure the Tower coffers are not endlessly deep—was the prospect of free money simply too terrifying for the beggar ruling over all Bretania?
[ dotted with specks of blood, crumpled up and left discarded ]
To the "Sovereign" hiding behind a mask:
It simply doesn't end. I'd expected that people would tire of the constant insults and the physical assault directed at an innocent young man, but they simply do not. It's insufferable. I hurt, and no one here seems to care!
Least of all you, I suppose.
What is underneath all those layers, anyway? What a waste. I can only imagine the sort of person that would feel the need to hide away from their subjects. What sort, you ask? Why, a coward or a toad. One or the other. Or is it both, in your case?
I certainly would not wish to be ruled by either.
Contemptuously,
Gwendan of Villador
[ later torn up ]
And another thing!
What sort of ruler would prioritize the many over the needs of the most important?
This includes me, just for the record. Which no one here seems to realize. It's insulting.
For some reason, they all seem to think they are the most important person here. But not everyone can be! That would rid the notion of its very exclusivity!
Ridiculous.
If I
[ stolen by another inmate, ceaselessly mocked ]
What makes me any different?
If you must know, I have been puzzling over this very question all day. What makes me alone so special?
Everyone else here seems to think they alone are the cream of the crop, so why would I be any different? I have been mocking them all for their pretension and self-absorption, but am I truly any different?
[ carefully folded, ultimately discarded ]
I fear I may be just as awful and vile as the other nobles here.
[ torn to pieces and burned ]
Is this why you sent me away? So I would see who I am?
I didn't think you capable of such cruelty.
[ scratched through, later discarded ]
I should hate you for this. Who gave you the right to pull the wool from my eyes? I certainly did not.
So then why can I not seem to hate you?
[ crumpled up, forgotten in cell ]
Dear Sovereign,
I accidentally saw my reflection yesterday, and it would seem that the beatings from my early days here have taken their toll. One of them broke the skin across my nose and is more scarring. Of course, even if I had caught it sooner, it wouldn't have mattered. It is not as though I would have received medical aid.
I find myself strangely not as upset about it as I had expected to feel.
[ folded and forgotten beneath his straw mattress ]
Dear Sovereign,
It occurs to me that I have not informed you of what I am doing here. Well, it's mining. I don't know whether or not this is standard for all of those in positions like mine—perhaps others have the luxury of doing scribal work?—but above all, it's filthy.
My hands are always dry and cracked, my entire body aches from the labor of it, and most days I simply collapse in bed on account of complete and utter exhaustion. At least I
What am I doing? You don't care about any of this
[ torn to pieces, discarded ]
Sovereign,
I think I may have made my first friend.
[ unfinished, abandoned ]
Dear Sovereign,
Surprised as you may be to hear it, my hunch was correct, and all simply because I dared to stand up for someone else. This person has since then been electing to spend their free time in my company—voluntarily, unless this turns out to be little more than a cruel prank. After learning to keep my mouth shut, I must admit that opening it again feels almost strange. It's like having to relearn how to speak in a way. Bruises and hunger taught me that nothing I had to say was worth speaking into existence. But apparently that's not true. It just depends on what one has to say.
It's odd. It feels like the sort of thing that I should have learned sooner than this. I used to think I never wanted for anything, me with my silver spoon in my mouth, but actual human connection? How did this pass me by all this time?
But then, I look at some of the others like me here and realize that they may claim to be friends to each other's faces, but they are not, not truly. No, they stab each other in the back with an ease belying the venom behind it. They despise each other. If they aren't looking down at their so-called "friends," they are envious of what others have that they do not. I know how they think, how they feel, for I once felt much the same. How it now sparks such disgust in me... even I find myself astonished.
Yet they have even seen fit to allow me to diversify my work some. I have for some time now been learning of alchemical reagents and potions of all sorts, so much so that I may yet be able to concoct my own one of these days. It is an exacting science, and demands accuracy in many ways, but it has allowed me the chance to grow in yet another way. Though the occasional burns and spills are quite bothersome,
[ tucked away with intent to be completed, discarded by jailor ]
Honored Sovereign,
I've given it some thought. I suffered a considerable loss in my past. If I only ever kept people at arm's length... then I would never have to suffer another such loss ever again.
It's plain and simple cowardice, and yet it made perfect sense to me for so long.
Is it normal for growth to hurt this badly? I used to think that loss would be the greatest pain I would ever have to suffer, but I hardly even recognize myself when I chance upon my reflection. All I can bring myself to muster for that man is disgust.
Who considers beauty to be the most important quality for anyone to hold? I used to think it a reflection of my nobility. Nowadays I would hardly pass muster. If my past self could see me now, he'd be disgusted. I daresay you'd barely recognize me yourself.
Then again, maybe that's for the best. He wasn't a very good person.
Humbled,
Gwendan
[ hidden inside his pillowcase, later discovered and discarded ]
Dear Sovereign,
There are more friends now... I think. These people seem to enjoy spending their mealtimes with me, which is new. When I pass one of them in the halls, I'm acknowledged instead of avoided.
It's very strange... in a good way.
Do you have friendships like this at the Tower? It seems so lonely
What am I saying? I can't send that
[ crumpled up and tossed ]
Esteemed Sovereign,
I don't know why I keep thinking about the Tower, but my thoughts just keep coming back to you. Did you know this would all happen when you sent me away? Did you think it would be good for me? How did you know?
My aunt will be upset, but the others helped me pierce my ears. It's something I always wanted to do but could never bring myself to do.
Along a similar vein, I caught sight of my armor under the cowter yesterday, and was startled by how brilliantly it used to gleam. No longer, of course. It has weathered quite a few blows and has thus become rather scuffed in the process. It's to be expected, I suppose. And in a way, it's kind of a relief. The thought of it becoming somehow ruined can hardly be a fear of mine any longer, as it already has been. Even the fur I used to wear has been rendered nigh unwearable. I will need to find something else to help me keep out the cold.
Work in the mines is tough, and while I can't speak to the appearance of my armor, I'm quite certain that I've at least become stronger. Perhaps it will have made me a better knight by the time I return to Tower City.
I look forward to the day, the hour, the very moment.
Your most contrite knight,
Gwendan
[ handed over to jailor for sending, then discarded ]
Dear Sovereign,
It occurred to me as I was writing my last letter that you may well not wish me to return
Could you see yourself accepting
Do you believe that anyone is worthy of redempt
I believed myself a good knight when I previously sat at your Round Table
When you sent me away, you told me that I was to return upon the repayment of
How pathetic can one man possibly be??
[ angrily discarded ]
Dear Sovereign,
I really do have friends now. I never did before, though I'm sure you might have suspected as much. We don't miss what we don't know, but in hindsight I do feel as though I've missed out on a crucial aspect of life. It's quite pleasant, having one's company enjoyed, being asked how I feel about things and what I like, not only ever feeling superior to those around me. This must seem very intuitive for someone like you, but these are all very novel, wonderful new experiences.
I'm quite certain that if you had attempted to befriend me in my previous state, I would have simply rejected any attempt outright. I believe that Angelica was attempting it before my exile. An exile that I do hope is a temporary one...
It is entirely possible that your roster of knights will be full by the time I return, but I will wait. Before long, I will have nothing but time. And if there's one thing this experience has taught me other than empathy, it's patience. Good things come to those who wait. Well then: I will wait.
With a profound yearning to return home,
Gwendan
[ unsent, taken along and carried in his satchel en route back to the tower ]
Dearest Sovereign,
I will not be sending this letter, but I nevertheless wished to put down on parchment that I would be returned to the Tower within the week. While I am fully aware that you may well turn me away at the door, rest assured that I will await your summons with bated breath.
Loath as I was to leave the dear friends I've made, returning to your side feels only correct. I hope that you will see in me what others have seen: that I return to you humbled and free of debt this time.
Whatever you will decide, I will be grateful.
Yours,
Gwendan
[ stowed, unsent ]
My friends,
To my great surprise, I was welcomed back to the Round Table with open arms and no hard feelings whatsoever. I consider this to be quite a miracle, but no one here seems all that upset about my return, though there was some shock regarding my new appearance. The change has felt so gradual to me, but even I know that I could not look more different now than when I first left the Tower.
The Sovereign even saw fit to call me reasonably shiny this time. Was I unreasonably shiny before? Mayhaps.
In truth, the Sovereign has proven something of an enigma to me. Grateful as I am for the warm welcome, I find it exceedingly puzzling. I was dreadful before. Have I truly grown enough to warrant an immediate return to the roster? Every day that I am here I see new hopefuls flood into the audience hall looking to obtain a seat at the Round Table, which is always full up when all are attendant.
But then, they are... kind. You know how I valued your acceptance of me after everything, and I do feel that they are much the same. Perhaps something to do with their health condition? I am aware that they cannot leave the tower, and their face is obscured to all of us, but that is all that I know, and I would not dare to speculate on it lest I misstep. I'm sure someone with a health condition so severe would understand what it's like to be misunderstood and rejected in all walks of life. Whatever it may be, what has emerged from such hardship is a true marvel of a person. I daresay anyone would be lucky to know them.
Would you believe it, they just came to speak with me in the library. Of course I recounted my time in Brimwood and the friends I met there, which surprised them considerably, not that I can blame them. But...
Ah, I fear I may have made quite the fool of myself just then. They said something so very kind—as they have always done, as long as I have known them—and I couldn't help but... misinterpret, perhaps? I fear my cheeks are still warm even now that they've departed again, to say nothing of my ears. Goodness, did they come here only to speak with me? At this rate I may yet get the wrong idea...
I miss you all terribly, of course, and I do promise to write often. My Sovereign has attained some faster mounts in my absence, so even longer quests may take less time now, though I fear I will be away for the Kutnar Grand Derby for the foreseeable future. All of which is to say: I will write when I can.
Fondly,
Gwendan
[ delivered to Brimwood with a swiftness not usually associated with missives sent from the tower ]
To my dearest friends,
My efforts in the race I mentioned proved successful. I believe I will be sent out again before long, but wished to take the chance to regale you with how things have been here.
To answer your question, no, I am quite certain the Sovereign is not interested in me in any way. They are... well, they are quite far above my station, for one thing, but they are also unfailingly kind to all of their knights. All they said was that... ah, this is embarrassing... that they thought me more brilliant than ever, despite the fact that my armor has lost its shine.
It really does feel like a fairly simple and straightforward compliment. Which is precisely why I felt as embarrassed as I did. I fear I may have said something somewhat flirtatious? Not that I wasn't being honest, just... perhaps it wasn't entirely appropriate? My own feelings of course are not something that can so easily be changed, but I would never expect them to be returned.
But please, do tell me how you have been. I'm sure there's no need to focus on my (lack of a) love life when we could be talking about anything else, truly...
Yours always,
Gwendan
[ read aloud to a circle of very invested friends ]
My dear friends,
Before I inform you of any additional news (which I do in fact have to share), I must once again assure you that there is nothing romantic between me and the Sovereign whatsoever. It matters not how much I may yearn if they are in no position—romantically or in station—to return those feelings. They have been kind and considerate and polite and nothing but respectful of... boundaries. As much as you may delight in reading into their words and my own missteps, please know that this is not a fantasy I can entertain for too long lest I am determined to drive myself mad.
Though I may in fact be going madder simply by being near the Sovereign at all these days.
I'm sure you all recall my armor. It would seem that my belief in its general worthlessness was not entirely founded. I'm not sure what happened to cause this change—and if any of you argue that it was my falling in love, I may yet despair—but it seems to be sturdier. And when I wear it, my ability to practice magic is likewise much improved. It seems, in my striving to become a better man, I have somehow become the knight my Sovereign deserved all this time.
I should add here that I am not saying this to gloat. Rest assured, those days are behind me. Rather, I am explaining all of this because I did the same with the Sovereign. This led to a longer conversation about everything that had happened to me before I ever arrived at the Tower in the first place. I'm sure you'll recall that conversation, one that was only coaxed out of me given the assistance of several glasses of wine. Yet speaking to the Sovereign, it all seemed so simple. I uttered the words into existence without even meaning to.
They were as kind as ever about it, of course. What puzzled me exceedingly—and what I'm sure all of you will all too eagerly read too much into—is the fact that they said they wished to learn more about me. And... that they wanted us to spend more time together.
Now, before you rush in to tell me what a fool I am, know that I of course told them that I would love nothing more. I haven't the slightest hope of seeing this love of mine fulfilled, but knowing that they care at all, let alone to that degree...
I suppose there may be some truth to your speculation after all. Try as I might to fight it, I fear I have fallen rather hopelessly in love. Hopelessly being the key word here. I daren't dream of more. Would you believe it, I actually tossed a coin in a supposedly magical wishing well the other day?
As much as I may disagree with your own optimism regarding my romantic prospects with the Sovereign of Bretania, I might remind you, I am already looking forward to hearing back from you. Perhaps this time we can actually discuss something other than the bleak future of my love life?
Fondly exasperated with the lot of you,
Gwendan
[ resulting in an immediate reply of nothing but exasperation and boundless affection ]
Dearest friends,
Can you believe that even Brimwood has chosen to ally with Brizh now? Together with Enberg, that means all Bretania is now united. I cannot imagine that the Empire will be thrilled to hear it, but... one problem per day.
And speaking of problems, it seems that others here at the Tower now likewise subscribe to the ridiculous notion that I might yet find any hope in my wistful sighs. It's absurd. I fear that the Sovereign has taken notice of these whispers, in which case I may be doomed. Thankfully they haven't yet spoken to me about any such concerns...
To answer your myriad questions, in all their varying levels of ridiculousness:
- Yes, I was as forward as I felt comfortable being in the moment. I already feel rather mortified with how forward I was!
- No, I do not believe that explicitly stating my feelings would be wise! Least of all if they do not feel the same way. That would only serve to make them uncomfortable.
- No, I have not seen beneath the mask. Or the bandages.
- They still can't leave the Tower... romantic outings are not an option. If I were to invite them for a tryst, it would have to be within these walls.
I will endeavor to speak to them more. Try to... ask them about how they feel? I often think they must be quite lonely in their position. Perhaps they will want to talk about it...?
I will write again if anything changes, but please do not get your hopes up for me. I am trying to keep them as low as possible as it is.
Warmly as ever,
Gwendan
[ followed by a reply filled with nothing but additional questions ]
My friends,
. . .
I will admit I do not know how to start this letter. I suppose I will open by admitting that I was... wrong. I tried to speak to them, not expecting them to bring up the status of our relationship. But they did, and just like that, all of my feelings for them simply rushed out all at once. They could have told me to back off, that their station didn't allow anything more than what we had, but instead they took my hand, and then...
Suffice it to say I could hardly believe it. I still can hardly believe that any of it happened at all!
And before you ask, no, I will not be going into detail. More than kissing happened. I saw what was under the mask. That is all that any of you need to know!
I do not know yet where things will go from here, but I know what my own heart desires. If only they will allow it, I will gladly court them.
Hopefully you will all be able to visit Tower City sometime in the near future. I should very much like you all to meet them.
For now, please be contented to know that I am overjoyed with what I can only call the most incredible of luck.
With all my love and joy,
Gwendan
[ immediately replied to with a missive stating only that they had, in fact, told him so ]
My Grace, My Beloved,
I fear our quest here in Moonvale will keep us apart for a few weeks longer. It's taking longer than expected to deal with the two-headed dragon they somehow managed to create here. I'm sure they'll be all too keen to take responsibility for that error in their arcane experiments...
You must know how I long to see you. I know it has been a piddling few weeks since I last had the honor of cradling your beautiful face, but my adoration of you does seem to bring out the most dreadful greed in me, and I cannot help but selfishly desire ever more.
Have you been thinking of me as I have been thinking of you? Fear not, I have been keeping my mind on my work as needed to prevent undue injury to my person or that of my fellow knights, but outside of these moments my mind does wander... I see you in my dreams and long for your touch as I wake. I go to sleep reaching for a body beside mine that isn't there. Would that I could only reach out and grasp hold of you, to let my hands wander... Have your dreams teased you as mine have? I fear mine have been terribly cruel to me.
Yet I know that this absence will only make our reunion upon my return all the sweeter. How I long to hold you in my arms again...
Such a time cannot come soon enough. But when it does, I will make all that waiting worth both our while. Just wait for me, my beloved.
With naught but love, ever yours,
Your Gwendan
[ eagerly expected, read five times, then carefully folded and preciously kept in a box overflowing with Gwendan’s other letters ]