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It was weird, thinking about it now as his head rested on Eijirou's arm, their bodies flushed against one another; but Katsuki had never been that big on affection when he was younger—never craved it, really. Not hugs, not kisses, not tender gestures like caresses or sweet words. Being better and stronger than anyone else was much more important for him. Everything else came second.
Everything else came dead last.
He exhaled, mindlessly intertwining his fingers with Eijirou's and kissing his scarred knuckles. Maybe it was because of his own family dynamic; maybe having a mother who shouted more than said 'I love you' and a father who just accepted anything that happened didn't really make for a normal childhood. Maybe.
Katsuki let that thought aside, however; he was going to ponder about it another time, now it wasn't the moment to reconsider years of fucked up family ties.
It wasn't when he was inside the arms of the boy who had saved his life multiple times, both literally and by simply existing as an ever occurring presence in his mind—That outstretched hand still the single most important moment in his life; the reason he still kept going, knowing someone was always going to catch him when he was about to fall. Yet, he knew he wasn't going to say it out loud, not to him.
Eijirou was surrounding him everywhere, squeezing him against his chest as the movie they were watching kept playing on the tablet, despite Katsuki's mind being everywhere else but there. What genre were they even watching? Katsuki didn't know, but he could feel Eijirou's heart beating fast against his back, going in tandem with the crescendo of the background music, and that made him grin slightly against his will. Fucking adorable idiot.
Katsuki still couldn't believe this was his life now; he couldn't believe how powerful the need to be cradled in those strong arm was. How much his life had changed since he was a fucking bully picking on Izuku because of his own inferiority complex. He hated that part of himself now, he really wanted to come clean with the only person who had ever been able to actually understand him; but how was he going to when the mere thought of pushing him away had his knees buckle and his breath come short?
His lips were bleeding with how hard he'd been biting on them in the last ten minutes; his own heart clenching inside his ribcage as the thoughts kept circling in his head, but he forced himself to concentrate on what was happening on the screen. It was then, however, that he noticed the movie had actually stopped, and Eijirou's free hand had started gently carding through his hair. Still, not a word was being spoken.
It took a couple of seconds before Katsuki found it in himself to talk. "Ei?"
"Mh?" asked the other, his eyes never leaving Katsuki's reflection on the tablet's black surface.
Katsuki gulped. "Why… Why did you block the movie? It was getting interesting," he said, feigning actual interest, when, in reality, he hadn't even bothered to learn the name of what they were watching. Not when the whole reason he had accepted in the first place was to have Eijirou scratching on his arms with half hardened fingers as they lay together in his bed, leaving quick pecks on his head like it were akin to breathing for him.
Katsuki really had changed.
"Kats, love, you know the movie has ended almost ten minutes ago, right? You've been staring at the black screen for this entire time, actually." There was worry weaving through Eijirou's words, but it wasn't pity. It was never pity with him.
Katsuki bit the inside of his cheek. What could have he said? How had his thoughts spiraled so much he had completely lost track of time? Was this going to affect him during hero training as well? Was he-
"Hey…" A gentle hand came to caress his face with the utmost tenderness. "You're doing it again, Kats."
"What do you mean, Shitty Hair? I'm not doing anything!" he tried to sound the brashest he could, but his voice was creaking at the sides, and he was sure Eijirou had noticed by the way he'd stopped everything he was doing with his hands to just hug him tighter. Katsuki felt his heart skip a beat.
"Talk to me, Katsuki, please. I know you are strong, I know you want to show everyone that you are, but you don't have to keep those appearances here. Not with me," he whispered against the back of his head, eliciting a shudder from him. "And you are strong before you try to say I'm implying you aren't, because I know you are, but you can also let go every once in a while. I can take anything, I'm unbreakable, remember?" And Katsuki could feel the little smile pulling at Eijirou's lips as he kept talking, making his own traitorous heart beat even faster than before.
He sighed as his hand found Eijirou's again, kissing the palm reverently as he spoke into it. "You don't understand, Ei. What if you're going to hate me? What if you'll want to break up with me and forget about everything and anything we shared?" His breath was becoming ragged as he kept going, but quickly came to a halt when he was grabbed by the waist and completely manhandled to face Eijirou—hell, that shouldn't have been as hot as it had.
"Katsuki, what the fuck?" Eijirou's face had hardened following the question—not literally, but Katsuki felt exactly as if it had—as a mix of confusion, fear, and anger painted his expression. "What are you talking about? Why would I ever want to break up? What did you do now?"
It took Katsuki a few seconds before his parched throat allowed him to speak. "It's not something I did now…" he admitted, finding it really hard to maintain eye contact.
Eijirou sighed, his every expression softening anew. "Hey, if it's something you did in the past and you're feeling like this, then it means that you've grown past it, doesn't it?" He was smiling a little as he talked, and Katsuki couldn't help but ache with the need to kiss him senseless. Yet, he tore his eyes from those perfect lips.
"It's not so simple, Ei, you don't just outgrow shit like this." It was painful to talk, but it was even more painful when he could feel all the love oozing from the boy next to him; in every single gaze, gesture, sound he made when they were together. Like now. Like in this precise moment, when he'd started scratching his arms again; an excuse to pull him even nearer and tighter. Fuck, Katsuki was going to lose this now, and it had all been his fault. He blinked away a couple of stray tears, hoping Eijirou hadn't noticed.
But, obviously, that sweet ass motherfucker had, because in a second his thumb was gently prodding at his lids, urging the tears to fall. "Hey, it's fine to cry, Kats, you know it's manly to let your emotions out."
And Katsuki couldn't contain himself anymore, closing the already small distance between them to kiss Eijirou with everything he had in him, eating up the way Eijirou gasped against his lips, as his hands jumped from his forearms to cradle his nape, pushing him more against himself. Katsuki tried not to think about how this was possibly going to be their last. He tried so hard, but as he did, his body moved against his own will, caging Eijirou under himself to deepen the kiss as red hair sprawled on the pillow like a fiery halo.
The moment lasted for several more minutes, in which both of them broke the contact for no more than a few seconds total, too preoccupied in indulging in the taste of the other. Yet, Katsuki knew Eijirou wasn't stupid. He knew he couldn't go too far before he was stopped and asked to talk.
And in fact, it didn't take much more time before their lips separated for good, ragged breaths ghosting over reddened skin. They looked each other in the eye for a couple more moments, before Eijirou finally spoke. "Love, I…" Eijirou panted dazedly before taking a deep breath and cupping his cheeks. "Can you… Can you actually talk to me, now? Can you actually tell me what happened? You didn't kill anybody, did you?" There was slight amusement in Eijirou's words, however, and Katsuki felt his heart drop in his chest, but he was the fucking GEMG Dynamight, fuck! He wasn't going to back out now. He was going to accept the loss as a way to redeem himself if that's what was needed.
He was going to tell the love of his life the truth about his past, and he was going to accept every single consequence. He was, even though he felt fucking scared about it.
"No, but I told him to kill himself so he could try being a Hero in his next life."
Eijirou paled.
He was still pinned under Katsuki, but the beautiful red that was coating his cheeks and the smile he was pressing against his lips mere moments ago had now been replaced by sudden realization; biting his lip as he tried to conceal the disgust he was clearly feeling. "Katsuki… Can you get up?"
Katsuki jumped upright as soon as the question registered in his mind, kneeling at the edge of the bed as Eijirou sat against the headboard, avoiding his gaze. Fuck if it didn't hurt.
Katsuki's resolution was already wavering.
He felt so stupid. Did he really think he would have been able to live without Eijirou? After all the firsts he'd been for him? That they'd been for each other?
Yet, however, Eijirou sighed after a couple seconds, hugging his knees and looking at him through his beautiful dark long lashes. "This is about Midoriya, isn't it?" he asked with a feeble voice, almost as if he were the one who felt embarrassed about what had happened. But maybe he was embarrassed, embarrassed to have dated Katsuki for the last few months, of having been his friend at all. Katsuki's palms began to sparkle.
And it seemed like it was enough of an answer for him, because Eijirou soon began talking again. "Do you… feel bad about i-"
"YES!" Katsuki shouted before Eijirou could actually finish asking the question, closing the distance between the two of them before retreating again. "You know I already apologized, Ei…
"You know I changed since first year…"
Eijirou still looked unsure. "Hey, I know, but…" he said, letting the answer die as he got up from the bed, pacing around the room in a way it almost gave Katsuki an aneurysm as his muscles flexed with each step under Katsuki's shirt—fuck, now it's not the time to be horny, Katsuki; he mentally swatted himself.
"You know what, Kats?"
"Yes?" he asked tearing his eyes from Eijirou's bare legs to look at his face.
Eijirou stopped abruptly, fixing his gaze on Katsuki as well. "It's weird. We've not known each other for too long, but every time I do as much as looking at you I feel a connection I've never felt with anyone else. It's almost as if we'd met each other in a past life, you know?" But he didn't give Katsuki time to reply—to say that he felt the same—that Eijirou kept going. "So discovering things like these hurts… It feels a little like betrayal."
Katsuki's world crumbled under his legs. Fuck FUCK FUCKFUCKFUCK- "Ei-"
"No." Eijirou interrupted him with a swift movement of his hand. "Let me finish, Kats, please.
"However…" Eijirou stressed the word. "However, I'm glad you trust me enough to tell me this. I know it must have eaten you from the inside since you guys became friends again—or whatever label you want to give to your relationship."
The air was tense now, and neither of them spoke for the next five minutes; both trying to find the right words not to break the fragile understanding they'd just created. Katsuki's head was spinning, not knowing exactly what to say or do—it wasn't like he hadn't predicted something of the sort, but looking at Eijirou being so defeated—so betrayed, like he himself had said—made his stomach churn. He really didn't want to lose him over something stupid he'd done in middle school!
Fuck it! Katsuki got up from the bed, approaching Eijirou where he was standing; still without touching him. "Lov- Ei, please, listen." Katsuki felt so pathetic as he tried to rationalize what was happening while still attempting to maintain some semblance of dignity, pinching the bridge of his nose. "What do you want me to do? Fuck, I know I'll have to live with this forever, but please, I can't lose you-"—so much for maintaining some dignity.
Eijirou exhaled. "Kats, it's not me who you have to apologize to; and you already have to him. So I don't know why this is hurting so much," he said biting his lip. "I've always known you guys had a rocky relationship, I knew you were a dickhead in middle school and I know you've grown into the person you are now. The person I love so fucking much-"
Katsuki's breath hitched as their eyes met each other again. Still, Eijirou continued. "But it's like it never registered to me that it had been that bad for so long. I thought that, maybe, the first few weeks at UA had been a slip up, especially when you quickly mellowed out with me," he said chuckling a little at Katsuki's offended grumble of 'I didn't mellow out, bastard'.
"You absolutely did, Kats; and you can ask Kaminari and the others if you don't believe me- But," he continued losing his smile again. "I now feel you should have told me these things before, you understand, right?"
Katsuki didn't know how to respond. Because, fuck, obviously Eijirou was right, but he also couldn't just stay here and see everything they'd created in the last two and a half years slip between his fingers, still… He spoke. "I do, fuck, I know, Eiji. And I can understand if it's too much to bear for you-"
Eijirou interrupted Katsuki's stream of words by letting his head fall onto his chest with a thud. "That's not what I'm saying, Kats. I told you I was going to shoulder anything, I just want to make sure you actually feel bad about it. Can you explain yourself? And for real this time, not like after the war when you chickened out from the details."
Katsuki swallowed thickly, not even noticing his own hands coming to thread through Eijirou's soft hair. "There's not much I can say, Ei. It's obviously not something I can excuse with anything. I was an idiot—and I still am, fuck—but I am fucking sorry. I know I made Izuku's life a living hell for years, I know nothing I can do or say now would ever actually be enough for what I did. And now he doesn't have One for All anymore and he's still the same good ass motherfucker despite everything that has happened to him, while I'm here bitching for my boyfriend not to leave me when he'd have all the rights because I'm fucking stupid, and-" he closed his mouth shut as soon as Eijirou raised his head to cup his face, a soft look in his eyes.
"I don't wanna leave you, Katsuki, do you understand me? But you do have to stop spiraling and just talk. I told you I can accept it, even if it hurts, but I want you to be a hundred percent sincere with me from now on. Okay?"
Katsuki nodded with a little too much zeal if the faint smile on Eijirou's face was anything to go by, but tried to put that thought aside as they moved to sit on the bed again, their backs against the wall. "So?" Eijirou asked.
"So," Katsuki started, looking at the little explosions that were popping from his palms. "I was a fucking bully, but you already know that. You also already know that I gave him the name 'Deku' because it meant 'useless', but…" Katsuki continued his story trying to recollect the most details he could—because, fuck it, at this point he was going to come clean completely or not at all—and it was as the sparkles in his hands crackled more as the story progressed backwards, that they suddenly died at the contact with Eijirou's hardened palm.
And- Shit.
Katsuki squeezed his hand without thinking, because that hand was the sole reason he'd accepted Izuku's all those years later. Because that hand was still the one he'd catch without sparing it a second thought; at all. He sighed. "And that's pretty much it. I've done so many things I'm not proud of, Eiji; so many. But I also ended up here, with you, and if carrying this burden, this guilt, is what I have to live with for having you in my life I'll accept it, because, fuck, Ei, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me."
Eijirou, however, didn't reply. He was still silently staring at the ceiling when Katsuki tore his gaze from their joined hands; the bastard was still looking as effortlessly handsome as always. Yet, it was then that their eyes met for a fraction of a second, and before Katsuki could stop himself, he began speaking again. "I'm sorry, Ei. I know I just dumped so much shit on you, you don't have to stay if you don't feel like it."—Perfect, Katsuki, just keep digging your own grave, good fucking job, he chastised himself.
Eijirou hummed before actually talking; his voice carrying a teasing tone. "You have to learn to shut up sometimes, you know, Kats?"
"Eh?" Katsuki replied with a snarl, taken aback.
At which, he was quickly met with his favorite sound. Eijirou chuckled under his breath, removing his hand from Katsuki's hold to flick his forehead with a grin pulling at his lips. "I told you I would never go, so why keep bringing it up? Do you want me to go?"
Still touching his aching foreheads, Katsuki's eyes shot open at Eijirou's words. "No!" he shouted, clenching on Eijirou's wrist before he could realize what he'd done. "Fuck no."
Eijirou laughed again, the sound reverberating in the room like the sloshing waters of a spring—fuck, when had he become such a poet?—and soon he was letting his head fall on Katsuki's lap, looking at him with his big red eyes as he tried to find it in himself to stop making fun of Katsuki's pout. "C'mon, Kats, I was just teasing," he said, still giggling for a second before turning serious. "But jokes aside, I'm glad you told me. I know I said what I said, and I wasn't lying—I would have preferred if you had told me before—but I can now understand why you weren't ready," he continued, interlocking their fingers again. "But we have to trust each other if we want to grow as people and for this relationship to work, okay?"
Katsuki exhaled, closing his eyes. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right."
Eijirou didn't say anything else, but positioned himself better until he was comfortable enough to drift off; little snores and mumbled words lulling Katsuki to sleep as well; now with a lighter heart.
~fine~