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*****
Maomao fought the temptation to sleep. She desperately wanted to keep an eye on Miss Chue as the carriage slowly took them back to the Western Capital. Surgery to her abdomen and arm should have been done by someone else, someone with more skill, someone qualified, but Maomao was the only option.
At this moment, Chue was lying on the floor of the carriage on her back with her legs elevated on the seat to Maomao’s left. Maomao sat on the bench with her arms wrapped around one leg curled up in front of herself. With her head resting on her knee, she kept playing various parts of their earlier conversation in her mind.
“Without that hand, I have no value.”
How could Chue think that?! She’s one of the most remarkable people Maomao has ever met!
“My life would be so much harder without you, Miss Chue, so this can’t be the end.”
This whole situation was Maomao’s fault, she knew it. If only she hadn’t followed Xiaohong to Shikyou… if only she hadn’t gotten caught at the bandit village. If only she hadn’t been so soft… maybe she should have poisoned the bear-man properly or at least allowed Chue to handle him the way she wanted.
“You almost start to think it means there’s a place you belong.”
Maomao felt a tightness in her chest remembering Chue’s words. Didn’t she understand? Chue, you do belong! You belong to Baryou and the Ma clan. You have friends and family! You have a place you belong more than—
If only…
A warm tear trickled down her cheek. She didn’t allow it to get very far before wiping it away with a filthy sleeve. All my fault. “It is all my fault. I’m so sorry, Miss Chue. I shouldn’t have come to the Western Capital on this trip. I shouldn’t have...”
Maomao rubbed her eyes, when she blinked them open again she nearly jumped out of her skin. Sitting on the bench to her right was a woman she had never seen before. She simply appeared there, as if by magic.
A sad smile rested on the woman’s soft lips and the kind, blue eyes reflecting back at Maomao held a trace of familiarity. The woman’s clothes were fine quality but out of fashion by a couple decades. Likewise for her immaculate hairstyle. A noblewoman without question, but one who was out of touch with current trends.
Once Maomao recovered from her initial shock, she shook her head to clear it. Strange women didn’t suddenly appear out of thin air. The answer was simple: Maomao, riddled with exhaustion, had succumbed to sleep, and was now dreaming.
“Wake up, wake up,” she chanted while pinching herself. Another glance to her right and she saw the woman was still there, smiling serenely at her.
Maomao slapped herself. Hard. The woman gasped, but made no attempt to be a good little dream manifestation and let Maomao wake up.
“Okay, not a dream… a hallucination brought on by stress and fatigue.” Maomao reached over to wave the woman’s image away like smoke. Her hand did indeed pass through the stranger, but she stubbornly remained.
“If you don’t mind, would you kindly remove your hand from inside my face? It’s considered rude.”
“Huh. I wasn’t aware hallucinations could be heard as well as seen. Fascinating. I’ll need to document this.”
“That’s also rude. I’m not a hallucination, I am a spirit. Your ancestor to be precise, Lady Kan.”
“Luomen’s mother?”
“No. Lakan’s mother, your grandmother.”
“That man is a stranger to me. Therefore, you cannot be my ancestor so you can feel free to go away and be someone else’s hallucination.”
“I told you. Not a hallucination. Oh, I know! You like plants and stuff, right? Here, these flower petals belonged to my older half-brother, Zuko. He was a little bit of an arsonist, but basically a good kid. Anyway, these rose petals were a gift from his bald hippie buddy, Aang, supposedly blessed or something. I want you to have them.”
The spirit passed her hand through Maomao’s, leaving an icy chill and several red rose petals on her palm. Maomao stared at them in disbelief but quickly reverted back to her more pressing problems. “Do you mind? I’m busy.”
“Yes, I heard. Busy feeling sorry for yourself.”
Maomao tucked the petals into a pocket of her robes. “No, busy feeling sorry for Miss Chue and blaming myself because it is my fault. I should never have come here. I should never have gotten involved in court politics. In fact, I wish I had never been noticed back at the Rear Palace in the first place.”
“Oh my dear, you shouldn’t say things like that.”
“YES I SHOULD! Look at her! She would be whole and healthy if not for me!”
“You can’t know that.”
“It’s true! She should never have met me. None of them should have! Now she has to suffer with these injuries for the rest of her life and it’s my fault! I-I wish I’d never been born!”
“NO! Don’t say—” Lady Kan abruptly froze and her eyes went out of focus. She placed one finger in her ear as if concentrating on someone speaking in the other. “Hang on, the other ancestors are conferencing… Oh, really? Are we sure about this? Okay, if all of you think so. I mean really, how bad could it be, right?”
“How bad could what be?”
“We are combining our powers to grant your wish.”
“Great! I wish to make Miss Chue better!”
“No, dear. Not that wish. The one where you were never born.”
“I-I wasn’t actually serious about that. I would much rather—”
“Sorry, no take-backs or backsies.”
“What does that even—”
“Ta-da!”
Miss Chue disappeared. The entire carriage disappeared. Maomao and Lady Kan were standing in a barren field. As far as the eye could see, there wasn’t a sign of any living thing. Not man, animal, or vegetation.
“Huh.” Lady Kan touched the side of her finger to her chin the same way Maomao often did when thinking. “Well this is rather bleak, isn’t it?”
“Where are we?”
“Right where we were. You see, because you were never born, the insect plague was far worse… I’m actually not entirely certain why…”
“All I did was make some insecticide. It can’t be this much worse without that one thing.”
“I agree. I know. Let’s pop on over to the Western Capital, shall we? Come, I’ll guide you since you’re new to all this.” Lady Kan held out her hand.
“I can’t touch you, remember?”
“You were never born, remember? You’re now a spirit, like me. We can touch each other.” Lady Kan cleared her throat and spoke in a weirdly, dramatic deep voice, “Now take my hand! Wooo oooh.”
“Why did you say, ‘Wooo oooh?’”
“What? You didn’t like that? My little snook’ems used to love it when I made funny ghost noises.”
“Who’s your little snook’ems?”
“Your father, Lakan.”
“That man should never be called little snook’ems. Why would y—”
“Please! Do you think he was born a useless, lazy, old fart?! NO! Of course not! He was once a useless, lazy, little boy! And that boy was my little snook’ems! Now stop asking stupid questions and take my fucking hand!”
“Other people have sweet grandmas who make them treats. Why do I get the cranky grandmas?” Maomao clasped hands with her grandmother. For a few seconds, her body felt like it had been tossed into a blender before being ejected into the air because someone forgot to put the lid on. It was extremely disorienting and confusing… particularly because she had no idea what a blender was.
“What the actual fuck?!!!” Maomao rocked on her feet before falling on her ass. She may have been a spirit, but her butt still hurt from landing on the polished tile floor.
“Oops, sorry. Forgot it’s your first time teleporting. I’m sure you’ll get over it. Now let’s see… huh. What’s happening here? Oh look! There’s my little snook’ems now!”
Maomao followed her pointing finger and yup. There was the useless old fart. He was conferencing with a very much still alive Gyoku-ou and they were huddled over a map and a Shogi board.
Maomao was still dizzy, so she didn’t bother getting up. Instead she looked all around. They were in the annex. Currently, it’s function appeared to be a war room. Maps and battle plans lined the walls. Weapons were stacked in a corner. Soldiers and commoners who were undoubtedly press-ganged into service bustled about. “Care to explain?”
“Uh… yes. Sorry, the information is being downloaded to my brain, but service out here is a bit slow.”
“What does that even mea—”
Lady Kan cleared her throat. “So apparently, it’s not just that you weren’t born, you were never conceived. Fengxian’s buyout went through, she moved out here with her new sugar daddy, crossed paths with my little snook’ems, and he decided not to leave the west. The new sugar daddy was surprisingly accommodating to their Go and Shogi matches, you see.”
“Uh huh.”
“So the useless fart never took over the La clan meaning that motherfucking asshole husband of mine remains in control! Son of a bitch!!!”
“Yeah, that sucks for you. But what about—”
“Oh right. Priorities… I guess. Gyoku-ou went ahead with his plan to start a war. The lazy, useless, old fart—”
“You mean your little snook’ems—”
“That’s not my kid. My kid overthrew his father like a good boy. Anyhow, he’s strategizing the war effort, but due to the insect swarm and no backup from the Capital, it’s not going well.”
“Why is the insect plague worse?”
“No one anticipated it. No preparations were made.” Lady Kan gave Maomao a withering look. “Gee. I wonder why.”
Maomao ignored her. After all, she had very little to do with that. That fell upon bureaucrats and the Emperor and Jinshi. People with power. Which begged another question, “Why don’t they have backup from the Capital?”
“Aside from the fact that my dumbass husband’s kid—who is a complete stranger to me—and his new buddy there decided it was a good idea to secede from Li? Oh, I don’t know. You tell me.”
Maomao shook her head sharply. “Don’t blame me for your snook’ems failings. He probably screwed up something before coming out here.”
“Maybe we should teleport over to the Capital and find out. Shall we?”
Maomao rubbed her temple with one hand and her butt cheek with the other. “Do we have to teleport?”
“You’d rather spend a month or two on a ship? Of course not, we can’t even board a ship unless we died on one. Perhaps you plan to walk to the Capital?”
“You know, you seemed nicer thirty minutes ago.”
“That was before I saw how one less baby in the world drove my little snook’ems into becoming an asshole—who can’t even overthrow his own father—but has found time to start a war with Shaoh—”
Maomao extended her hand from her seated position. “Annnnnd we’re teleporting.”
“Right. Fine.”
Clasping hands, Maomao was once again a fruit smoothie plastered to the ceiling before dripping unwillingly back to the earth.
This time she face planted in the dirt on a hill overlooking the Capital. As she spit grass out of her mouth, she tried to clear her hazy eyes. Unfortunately, it turned out it was the air around them that was hazy, not just her eyes.
Lady Kan stood next to her, mouth hanging open, eyes so wide you would think she saw a ghost. Which would probably be more shocking if she weren’t one herself.
“What. The. Fuck?” The polished noblewoman uttered.
Everything was on fire. Every building. Every tree. Even the palace. Everything. Fire. Everywhere.
Maomao joined Lady Kan in doing an excellent impersonation of Jinshi in chibi mode after he mistakenly thought Maomao did the wild thing with Lihaku at the end of that one episode. You know the one. “You cannot possibly blame this on me. Or the lack of me.”
“Yes, well… your conception was literally the only thing we changed so—”
Maomao gestured helplessly at the blazing inferno that had once been the pride of Li. “How?!”
“Hang on. It’s downloading. I really need to upgrade my service.”
“Take your time.” Maomao watched the flames dance across the remains of skeletal buildings across the Capital. “You know what would be really useful right now? A couple dozen waterbenders.”
“I agree. Too bad they live at the extreme poles instead of—oh I don’t know—in a major metropolis near the ocean.”
“Gran. I have a question. What the hell is a waterbender and why do I know they exist?”
“Oh, you… you’ve had a hard day. I don’t think you’re ready for the explanation of crossovers yet. Just try not to think about it too much.”
“Yeah, I can accept that.”
“Okay… I’m receiving a surprisingly huge amount of information I need to process. So, you were never born, we established that. As a result, Luomen had no reason to move to the pleasure district. Without him, a plague of syphilis spread and lots of people died. Including everyone you knew at the Verdigris.”
“Everyone—”
“Eventually Luomen did open a clinic, but without anyone to look out for him and make sure he got paid, he passed away from malnutrition.”
“Pops died?!!”
“Because you were never kidnapped and sold to the Rear Palace, not only did Lihua’s first born die, but so did Lihua and Princess Lingli.”
“No.”
“Yes. Now please stop interrupting. Ahem. Now where was I?”
“Lihua, her son, and Princess Lingli all died from the toxic face powder.”
“Right. Because you weren’t there to stop Gyokuyou from eating poisoned soup, she dead.
“All of her ladies-in-waiting returned to the west and died as a result of the insect plague or the war with Shaoh.
“And ah, let’s see, the Moon Prince was crushed by a beam in a ceremony since you weren’t there to push him out of the way.”
Maomao’s chest tightened and her throat ached so much she thought it might swell shut. The smoke… it’s making it difficult to breathe.
“Fengming made another attempt to kill Lishu and this time she succeeded.
“Loulan, or Shisui as you called her, died from smoke inhalation thanks to a malevolent spirit.
“Xiaolan died from an infection after being whipped when she broke a block of ice.
“The other princes were never born since their mothers were already pushing daisies.
“The Shi clan was pissed about Loulan’s death, so they rebelled. Which, in fairness, they would have done anyway.
“The Emperor was so distressed about all the deaths, the Shi rebellion, and the West seceding, that his appendix became inflamed sooner—”
Maomao interrupted, “Wait, the Emperor’s what?”
“Oh, right. That doesn’t happen until light novel 15 and you’re only in light novel 12. Forget I said anything.”
“Light novel? What are you—”
“I said, ‘FORGET I SAID ANYTHING!’ Anyway, that thing popped like a zit on an unlucky teenager on picture day. Soooo, he dead, too.
“Now the country has been embroiled in a civil war for the throne for quite awhile. Shi clan vs Capital clans vs fuck. I don’t know. Everyone is fighting, okay? Gaoshun, Basen, Lihaku all died in the war.”
“But Miss Chue is okay, right?”
“Oh fuck no. She failed at her job to make the Moon Prince happy the moment he was crushed like Daffy Duck under an anvil. She went all hara-kiri with a big old sword in her gut like—RAWR!” Granny Kan mimed plunging a weapon into her belly and slicing across.
“Yeah, I get it. Well, no. I have no idea who Daffy Duck is, unless he’s related to Jofu, but that seems unimportant at the moment.”
“Right, Jofu needed extra attention as an egg, didn’t get it, and never hatched because—”
“Lishu and Basen weren’t there to take care of her. Yeah, I get it. Is anyone I know still alive?”
“Well, you already saw my snook’ems.”
“I meant anyone I care about more than two farts in the wind?”
“Oh let’s see… hmmm… Yao was married off to a halfway decent man since the medical assistant position was never created. Ohhh, but then En’en lost her shit, killed ‘em both and then herself.
“Ummm, Lahan was raised by that piece of shit man I was forced to marry and died as a child because no one was watching him when his little abacus broke. He swallowed one of the beads and choked to death.”
“Fair. His brother?”
“Lahan’s Brother is still, oh no wait. He dead, too. Growing up in the Capital—never experiencing the joy of potatoes—he simply lost the will to live.”
“Suirei?”
“That bitch Shenmei killed her.”
“Baryou?”
“Stress, obviously.”
“Taomei, Maamei, Ba- whatever his name is?”
“Taking a dirt nap.”
“Fuck me. Let’s see, who have we forgotten? Lady Ah-duo?”
“Oh some good news there! After the Emperor kicked the bucket, she was able to use the chaos of the war to escape and finally go traveling!”
“Well at least she—”
“Although, she ended up getting sat on by an elephant that squished her like a tube of toothpaste under a steam roller.”
“I… I don’t know those words, but it sounds bad.”
“No? Ok, how about like a slug under your shoe?”
“Eww. Suiren?”
“YES! Suiren is most definitely still alive! Mostly because Death is too terrified to reap her soul, but can you blame ‘em?”
“No, that’s fair.”
“So if you think about it, you really did have a wonderful life!”
“What the fuck? Did I though?”
“I mean… your life may have sucked in a bunch of different ways, but it wasn’t all bad. Just look at how much better you made everyone else’s lives. Even my death is better knowing my little snook’ems will metaphorically slap his bitch-ass father right the fuck out of the Capital with your existence as his only motivation.”
“This is just ridiculous. I think I must be experiencing a delayed effect from one of the toxic potatoes or the venom or something. None of this can be real.”
“Alright fine, but this is the part where you’re supposed to say, ‘I want to live again!’ So how about it, huh? Take one for the team!”
“Fine. I want to live again.”
Maomao jolted awake when the carriage hit a hard bump in the road. The driver called out an apology from the front, but that did little to ease her pounding heart. Maomao frantically took in her surroundings.
It was dark out, but the moon cast just enough light through the carriage window for her to see a figure on the floor. Flat on her back, legs still elevated on the seat, Chue gave a little snore.
Maomao relaxed back in her seat. “A dream. Just a really weird, terrible dream.”
A faint acrid, sooty scent irritated her nostrils. She peered out at the landscape, but saw nothing to explain the odor. She gave Miss Chue a sniff, but it wasn’t coming from her either. Maomao gave her own clothes a sniff and there it was. The distinct smell of smoke permeating her clothes all the way to her undergarments.
Maomao had a sinking feeling, patting her robes, she checked her pocket and removed a handful of red rose petals.
“Zu-Zu’s petals. Fuck my life.”