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Moving back into his parents house was the last way he'd expected to spend the end of his fall semester yet somehow, it was happening. While moving in boxes, he couldn't help but feel disconnected, all the extra space now unfamiliar to his senses. He and Jabber had only had a two room apartment, one of them being a red room since Jabber was majoring in architecture and dabbling in photography. So, the change in space was like a shock to Zanka's senses, everything feeling surreal and hollow. Zanka set the boxes down in his room just as his mother, Mrs. Nijiku, walked in.
"I'm so relieved you got over that... phase, Zanka. I was worried for a moment there that you were dead set on embarrassing us." Mrs. Nijiku spoke, passive aggressiveness lacing every word.
Zanka practically felt his heart drop to his stomach, letting out a small, awkward laugh.
"Me too..." Zanka mumbled, avoiding looking at his mother. It hurt more to hear than he ever would've thought, the words weighing heavy like stones in his heart.
"I never did think you were... gay, Zanka. I think you just thought you were because you interact with guys more." Mrs. Nijiku said, accusingly, saying the word gay as if it were poison on her tongue.
Zanka stayed quiet at that, just looking around the room at anything but his mother.
"We can fix that silly issue though, we'll be finding you a proper girl to marry, after all Zanka, we only wants what's best for you because we love you." Mrs. Nijiku reassured him, although it felt like anything but to him.
"Of course, mother." Zanka agreed, finally meeting her gaze, giving her that practiced, perfect smile.
He picked up a picture from one of the boxes, his mother slipping out of the room and yelling to his father downstairs as he looked at it. It was one of the first pictures Jabber had taken of him, his smile one of genuine laughter since Jabber took it when he wasn't looking of course. He'd taken it after Zanka had told him about how his mother said if he wanted to keep living there, he'd have to call what they had a phase. He went on telling him how he refused and packed up his things right then and there, only stopping when he saw the look on Jabber's face; he was holding back a laugh. Once Jabber had begun laughing however, it made Zanka start laughing too and they'd spent the moment laughing their hearts out.
Compared to the frown seemingly frozen on his face now as he stared at the photo, it made his stomach twist and churn in a way that made him sick. It hurt to think about Jabber, hurt to remember how badly things had gone in a matter of moments, over something so simple. Zanka regrets leaving everything the way he did, only wishing he could make things right now, but he couldn't and unfortunately, wouldn't get the chance.
It had just been another night in their apartment, Zanka was in the middle of plating the dinner he'd made the two of them, which had been shrimp alfredo; their two cats Kira and Lovely play fighting on their couch. Jabber walked through the door, sliding off his shoes as Zanka greeted him and set his plate on the table. He greeted Zanka back, walking around to the kitchen where Zanka was now pouring them glasses of lemonade and hugged him from behind, arms wrapping around his waist as he planted a kiss to his neck. Zanka set down the pitcher of lemonade and spun to meet Jabber face to face, smiling softly as he pushed Jabbers' braids behind his ear to place a gentle kiss on his cheek.
"Come on, dinner's ready." Zanka said, softly, going to grab the glasses of lemonade but Jabber beat him to it.
They walked over to the table, Jabber set down the glasses of lemonade in front of both their plates and pulled Zanka's chair out for him. They both sat down and ate, Jabber practically scarfing down his food, and Zanka watching in amusement while eating small careful bites of his. It wasn't the dinner where everything went wrong, no, that was fine, nearly perfect if you asked Zanka. It was after dinner that sent everything spiraling into one big mess.
Zanka was just washing the dishes as Jabber wiped down the table after they finished eating, it had become their every night routine and it should've been just that, except it wasn't.
"So, how was work?" Zanka asked, casually, just scrubbing off a dish that had accumulated in the sink throughout the week. It was a normal question, he asked nearly every night, except for the nights he worked late and wasn't able to make it home in time for dinner.
It took Jabber a minute to respond, having stopped cleaning off the table entirely, it was clear something was up.
"It was alright, nothing really interesting happened..." Jabber responded after a moment of silence, beginning to wipe down the table again
Zanka set down the dish in the sink, wiping off his hands as he turned and looked at Jabber.
"What?" Jabber asked, raising an eyebrow as he set down the cloth he'd been cleaning the table with.
"I just... You're not telling me something..." Zanka stammered out, unable to tell if he was truly just overthinking Jabber's hesitation or if there was truly something Jabber wasn't telling him.
"What makes you think that?" Jabber questioned, his tone sounding a bit offended, now moving away from the table and towards where Zanka stood.
"You hesitated... you never hesitate when you talk to me about your day." Zanka replied, avoiding Jabber's gaze and looking at his hands which were nervously fidgeting with one another.
"I..." Jabber paused, seemingly trying to make sense of all that left his mind a storm.
"I was offered a scholarship at another university, it's got a better architecture program and even a toxicology one." Jabber explained, although likely leaving something out since his eyebrows were still furrowed like they always were when he was deep in thought.
Zanka was about to congratulate him but Jabber stopped him.
"It's all the way across the state, and I've already filled out all the paperwork... I'm going." Jabber finally admitted, eyes locking onto Zanka's as he did.
"Wait, what?" Zanka asked, letting go of his hands, shocked that Jabber would go through with something as important as that without even bringing it up to him first.
"You don't just get to do that, I've worked my ass off to be able to be with you, we're supposed to do things like this together." Zanka told him, now irritated by the entire situation.
"So have I, but Zanka, I can't give up every opportunity I'm given just so I can be with you, that's not fair to me." Jabber retorted, bringing a hand to point at his chest to emphasize his point.
"And I haven't?! I've given up so much to be able to here with you like this, I've given up my family, I've given up my dream university because they didn't have an architecture program for you there, I have to work my ass off just for us to be able to afford this apartment together, and you're the one always giving up everything?! We've both made sacrifices." Zanka defended, explaining everything he had to give up, had to endure, just to be able to live the life they wanted.
"You're right, just... forget about it." Jabber said, looking away and going to their shared bedroom. "I'm going to get a shower." Jabber explained, before turning and walking away.
"Jabber, wait-" Zanka said, going to grab Jabber wrist but he just shook him off.
"Don't. You were right." Jabber stated as he walked down the hallway.
Zanka stood there for a moment, frozen and not knowing what to do, he could feel tears burning in the back of his eyes. He blinked them away, going to finish washing up the dishes. It took about thirty minutes for him to finish the dishes and put away the leftovers from dinner so by the time he'd gone to their room, Jabber was asleep, facing the wall opposite to him. Zanka felt his heart break a little as his throat choked up, choosing to go get into pajamas instead of dwelling on the feeling. When he was finished, he slipped into bed, curling up behind Jabber and wrapping a gentle arm around his waist. He hoped they could talk this over in the morning, figure something out when it wasn't a fresh wound on both of their minds.
Zanka awoke feeling cold, shivers shaking his entire body. Instinctively, he wanted to hold Jabber closer since he was always warm. Only, Jabber wasn't there and he was alone in their queen sized bed. Sitting up groggily, he rubbed his eyes, looking around the room in hopes to find out where his lost lover had gone. He didn't see him anywhere, which was odd considering you could only go so many places in such a tiny apartment. He got out of bed to go search for him but stopped in his tracks when he noticed all of Jabber's stuff was gone, even the ten silver rings he'd received from his mother as a child and hardly took off. He walked over to Jabber's side of the bed, noticing a small white envelope on his bedside stand.
It was a letter, but Jabber hated writing letters. He'd always complained they were to formal and that whatever someone said in them could always be said through a text. Opening it, Zanka could already feel the heartbreak sinking into his chest and making a home, his hope dimming into a minuscule flame, and his dreams all coming to a stop. Jabber's handwriting had always been neat for someone so all over the place though.
Dear Zanka,
I'm sorry I left things like this, I really am.
But I'm not like you, I can't spend my whole life sacrificing everything. I need freedom, I need room to breathe and grow, and after the fight last night I felt trapped.
I'm on my way to the university where I can start new and grow into everything I've wanted to be with you. I'm sorry it had to end like this, Zanka. I love you but I can't be your forever right now.
Staring at that letter, Zanka couldn't do anything, couldn't breathe, couldn't think, it was like the entire world surrounded him and swallowed him up all at once. His knees buckled beneath him and he couldn't do anything but sob until the morning came.
He'd stayed in the apartment up until it came time to pay rent and just his job alone didn't pay him enough to live there and go to university at the same time. So, when the time came he eventually mover back into his parents house, leading him to where he was now.
Jabber never meant to leave things the way he did, now a couple months later, he regretted the way he left. He was a coward, but to say he wasn't thriving in his new university would be a lie. He only wished he'd been smart enough to bring Zanka with him, he would've loved it there.
But when he heard that his architecture group was going back to his old hometown for about a week, he was excited at the idea of potentially seeing Zanka again. He packed his things and went with them on a bus back to the place he'd so hurriedly left. When he got there he'd stayed in the hotel booked for them but spent the day wandering around, getting a feel for everything again. Eventually he'd come across the same apartment building he and Zanka once shared, only to find out that Zanka no longer lived there anymore. He'd stopped by his old university and it turned out that Zanka had disenrolled from it, per his parents wishes.
To hear that Zanka gave up his dreams like that broke his heart, he knew it was his fault and the guilt ate him alive.
He knew he'd have to run into him at some point though, it was a small town and Zanka was an incredibly handsome guy, how would he miss him?
Zanka hated everything about where he was right now, stuck on a date with a girl he didn't like, only there because her parents are rich and noble and his parents set it up. He was stuck in a stupid fancy dinner in way too fancy clothes. Pinned up like some China doll wasn't who he was, a fine vicuña wool kimono draped over him and pinned around his waist, all too fancy for someone as simple as him. He at least got to keep his tassel earrings but they didn't feel right being seen by someone else he was meant to love.
Just smile through it is what he told himself, sitting next to his mother and listening to her talk for him was absolute torture. On his and Jabber's first date, he hadn't known what to say but eventually Jabber got him talking. Now it was nothing but a memory and he was stuck being perfect again.
He looked around the restaurant in an attempt to distract himself, noticing a couple sitting a few tables away from him, his mother, and his suitor.